As a mom, one of the principles of parenting that has stood out to me the most is modeling – how my children copy my example whether I want them to or not.
I’m not proud to say this, but a few years ago, I made the mistake of losing my temper in a very bad way in front of four of my five kids. They lost pieces to an educational material that I needed to teach them mathematics. In my frustration, I dramatically threw the box on to the floor, letting all the parts fall out with a loud crash, and I raised my voice, scolding my kids about how they needed to be better stewards and more responsible.
After the drama, I looked at my children and they were all tearing…from the oldest to the youngest. This was the first time they had seen me get angry in this way and it scared them. It scared me too when I realized how easily I can snap and wound the hearts of my kids.
I asked for their forgiveness and had to talk with each one of them because they were deeply affected. It was a very humbling moment. I couldn’t take back what I had done so I just hoped they wouldn’t remember it as time passed.
Recently, as I was encouraging my kids to be kind to one another and speak respectfully to each other, I asked one of my sons this question, “Do you see mom getting angry or shouting at you guys?” I hoped he would say, “No, you don’t mom, we should be like you.” Instead, his very honest answer was, “No, you don’t lose your temper but,” he continued with emphasis, “there was THAT ONE TIME…” (referring to when I threw the box on the floor!)
Even just one ugly display of anger leaves an imprint on my children. My children can very easily become casualties of my bad example if I make losing my temper a habit.
While my dad was preparing for his Sunday message, he went over his points with me and emphasized the need for parents to be honorable. We commonly understand honor as something children are commanded to do for their parents, and he has preached on this topic many times. But during our conversation he added, “Parents shouldn’t make it difficult for their children to honor them. In fact, they should make it easy.”
As I gave this perspective more thought, I recalled my own experience as a child. Even if my parents weren’t perfect, I wanted to obey them and honor them. I didn’t struggle with feelings of bitterness or resentment towards their authority. Were their times when I didn’t always agree? Certainly. But at the end of the day, I wanted to obey them. It wasn’t because my parents epitomized perfection, but they modeled consistency in one area that I want to highlight.
I saw the fruit of the Spirit in their lives – the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Even if their ministry was very public, they were the same Spirit-filled people outside of the home as they were in private, with my siblings and me. They weren’t hypocritical, instructing people to do one thing and then giving themselves license to be selfish, temperamental, moody, or demanding at home. In fact, of all people in their lives, they were most gracious and considerate towards us, their children.
Up till this day, I am very grateful that my parents modeled being Spirit-filled to me, and they continue to do so. I would like to share with you two recent experiences with my parents where they encouraged me once again with their examples.
I will start with my mom. Some months ago, my mom and I tried to get into the CCF building using the same entrance we always do. We were headed up to the 8th floor for a leader’s meeting, when a very strict guard who was on duty that day stopped us. Apparently, there was a new policy about using IDs and this guard was a new employee who was very eager to enforce the rules. My mom didn’t know about the change in protocols. She always went up and down using the same entrance because it’s the easiest way to get to my dad’s office or to the floors where she has meetings with the other pastor’s wives.
With an interrogative tone, he questioned where she was going. My mom tried to explain that we had an elder’s wives’ meeting. When he wasn’t convinced, she politely tried to say that she was Pastor Peter’s wife. Still skeptical, he asked, “Can I see your ID?” She pulled out her wallet, looked for her driver’s license and showed it to him. I don’t know if he was looking for proof of marriage but his skeptical expression seemed to imply this. He looked over her license and back at her, and pulled out a radio. “Nandito ang asawa ni Pastor Peter?” It was phrased in a question form, so neither my mom nor I were too sure what he was trying to confirm.
In the meantime, I looked over at my mom who was a picture of calm and cooperation. Since the guard seemed to be well meaning even if he was a little bit clueless, my mom didn’t insist on using that more convenient entrance. She and I walked to the opposite end of the building so we could comply with the new security measure of wearing IDs before accessing the office floors during weekdays.
She didn’t get upset about being inconvenienced or make any remarks about the guard’s not too courteous behavior. Furthermore, she didn’t act like she was “above the policy” as the wife of CCF’s senior pastor. My mom’s example reminded me that we are all servants. Leaders should never have a sense of entitlement or expectation that they deserve special treatment. She modeled for me how leaders should be humble and willing to submit to authority, following rules with a positive attitude.
By God’s grace, I am also blessed to have a dad who is a good role model of being spirit-filled. Earlier this week, I asked him if he could visit the sick father of a close friend of our family’s. In fact, I really begged him to because this man’s lung cancer had spread and multiplied, and his body was becoming unresponsive to treatment. His lung doctor gave him a very negative prognosis. So I requested that my dad go to see him in the hospital so he could share the gospel and pray with him.
My dad’s free day was Tuesday evening. But Tuesday is normally his most hectic day, since he has back-to-back meetings with church leaders. However, he told me he would make himself available at 6 PM so I confirmed this schedule with him and my friend. For some reason, I thought the hospital we had to drive to was in St. Lukes, Quezon City, so we headed in that direction. Edric and I were with him in his van, instructing the driver where to turn using the Wayz app so we could avoid the evening traffic. When we were a minute away from the hospital, I called my friend to let her know, and she said, “Okay, so you are near Global (referring to St. Lukes, Global City)? I will come down to see you in the lobby.”
“Global?!” I panicked. “I thought you said St. Luke’s Q.C. Oh no, wait a minute, I will call you back!” I had to excuse myself from the conversation and put the phone down to check my text messages. Sure enough, my friend had specified St. Luke’s Global. I don’t know how I missed this! I called her back to apologize and explain that I made a mistake.
My dad heard the entire conversation, but he very calmly said, “It’s okay. We can go tomorrow night.” I couldn’t believe it! There was NO trace of annoyance in his voice or in his body language. He even added cheerfully, “This is great, I can be home earlier and have dinner with your mom.” Not only did he refrain from embarrassing me or making me feel stupid, he saw the unfortunate mistake from a positive perspective!
After my dad dropped Edric and me off so we could ride in our own vehicle, I started to cry. This was partly because I was frustrated at myself for inconveniencing my dad and my friend with an idiotic mistake. But even more stirring to me was my dad’s graciousness. (The next evening he made time again to go with me all the way to the right hospital…St. Luke’s Global City.)
The point I wanted to make about parents being honorable is this: Honorable parents honor God in their responses. They represent Christ to their children in such a way that their children want to have a relationship with Him, too. To the best of my recollection my parents were like this but if there were occasions when they weren’t, they asked for our forgiveness and how they could improve.
As parents we need reflect on some hard questions. Do our children see evidence of the Holy Spirit in us when we encounter stress, trials, unpleasant circumstances or relationship issues? Do they see convincing proof that we are followers of Jesus Christ in the way we handle our time, money, or choose our habits, attitudes and values? If not, what can we change? If yes, then praise God!
I pray that all of us will seek to honor God in our lives so we can lead our children to do the same. God has given us the unique privilege and responsibility of primary influence so let us be honorable parents in the way that the apostle Paul said to his spiritual children, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1)