I Threw a Pencil, Ripped a Page, and Slammed the Door

So today I actually lost it, like really lost it as I was teaching math to my daughter, Tiana. She couldn’t grasp regrouping for addition, and even with the use of manipulatives and lots of reviewing to help her get it, our lesson turned into a massive fail because of my outburst. 

First, I threw a pencil at the window. Every one of my kids saw this. That was after lesson # 1 with Tiana. I apologized and replaced the pencil, mumbling some excuse to justify my annoyance.
We even prayed together and asked for the Lord to fill all of us. I confessed my anger to my kids aloud and asked for their forgiveness. 

Truthfully, I wasn’t really sorry. I probably should have abandoned the work Tiana had to do for about an hour to get a grip of my emotions. But I persisted, demanding that she finish the two pages of math work assigned for the day. Therefore the worst was yet to come.

By the time we got to the practice bit of the lesson, Tiana blanked out and forgot what to do… AGAIN. By this time, she most likely sensed my irritation growing by the way I sighed loudly and convoluted my face, like I was incredulous that something so simple could be so difficult for her. So when the mounting pressure of anger reached its climax, I pressed hard with her pencil and circled one of the numbers I wanted her to pay attention to…like twenty times! Then I stood up, absolutely peeved, grabbed her book in my hands and ripped the page we were supposed to work on next, yelled out in exasperation, and stormed out of the homeschool room. When I got to my bedroom I intentionally, as well as forcefully, slammed my bedroom door to emphasize how mad I was.

Throwing myself onto my bed, I cried out, “I can’t do this, Lord! I have had it! I give up! I can’t homeschool her! I don’t know what to do!”

After some minutes of my face plastered against my pillow, sobbing over my failure, and my body lying prostrate on the bed, reality jolted me out of my delirium. I knew that I had to get back to the kids. Hello! I was their teacher! I couldn’t leave them in our “classroom” and abandon my responsibilities. More importantly, they needed to hear an apology from me. Another one. A real one. I behaved like an emotionally immature adult and without a doubt, deeply wounded them. This moment needed repairing.

So I collected myself, and walked back to the homeschool room. Tiana was curled up beside Catalina, who broke the silence. “Mommy, will you forgive Tiana?” 

Forgive Tiana?! She had it all mixed up.

“Catalina, mommy was the wrong one. Will you forgive me?” 

I had to ask for forgiveness from all of them, especially when Tiana tearfully explained, “Mom, I-I-I felt bad because you were frustrated and ran to your room. I cried.”

Pulling her to myself, unable to give any sort of defense for my actions, I hugged and kissed her tightly. 

“I was so wrong, Tiana. Will you please forgive me. I am so sorry. I was a bad example.” 

Tiana nodded kindly and managed to smile. I didn’t deserve that smile. It was generous, forgiving, trusting. I know she meant it. 
We resumed with extra math practice, but I was guilt-ridden. The rest of the morning, I didn’t want to homeschool.

At some point, the kids, bless their hearts, sought to assist me. They took over the base ten rods and blocks and proceeded to explain the concept of adding to Tiana, encouraging her and patiently going over each problem she had to solve. 

I grabbed my phone to call Edric. He listened as I quietly begged, “Please come home early today. I need you. I lost it.” 

He knew what I meant and chuckled. This wasn’t the first time. I have marched into his study room in the past ranting in exasperation about how hard it is to teach math to Tiana. 

“Okay,” He replied reassuringly, promising to head home as soon as he could. 

I felt him smiling at the other end of the phone. He didn’t mean to belittle my emotions. But in the midst of a major decision he needed to make about the business today, my issue probably seemed almost cute to him. 

Yet it wasn’t. There wasn’t anything cute about my outburst.

Truthfully, I hated myself this morning. I hated homeschooling. I hated Tiana’s math book and the inconvenience of having to teach something over and over again in futility.  I felt like I was a total failure as a mom and wondered if homeschooling is worth it. 

Why do I have to agonize over teaching when I can send my kids to school and let their education be an institution’s problem…not mine?

In fact, moments after I spoke to Edric on the phone, I messaged him, proposing that I should send Tiana to school so that I can avoid getting angry because I don’t want to hurt her emotionally. I have never suggested this about any of my kids. Sure, I have felt irritated at each one of my children for various reasons, but I have never felt such an intense frustration to the point that I want to throw objects, bang my head against the wall, jump up and down, break a pencil, tear a book in half, or scream at the top of my lungs just to let all the internal pressure out! It’s like those moments in the movies when a character is seated across another person, staring at them expressionlessly, seemingly calm on the outside, but then you get to peer inside the character’s mind and see them role-playing all kinds of violent scenes! 

The Bible says, “For the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” (James 1:20)

My anger didn’t inspire Tiana to try harder. It just made her feel insecure and incapable. Letting out all that pent up anger didn’t make me feel the relief I wanted to feel, either. And now the kids have a bad memory about mommy that they may well remember into their adulthood. 

In fact, Edan remarked, “Now, you have two things you’ve done in anger that we will remember.” (He was referring to one other incident some years ago when I threw a box of math manipulatives onto the floor, which terrified all of them.)

Edan also admitted as the hour was approaching noon, “Mom, when you are not happy, none of us feel happy.” 

Titus said, “Mom, I prayed for you, and I cried a little when you got mad.” 

Elijah added, “I was actually scared. And I was sad, and I knew you had a problem.”

When I got the chance to speak with Edric over dinner, he listened very understandingly to my narrative, but his take on the matter was this, “This is God’s way of humbling you. This is an opportunity to be dependent on Him.”

He’s right. Home schooling is hard work. It is miserably difficult sometimes, and mostly because parenting and homeschooling are interconnected and you have to be intentional about the former to be good at the latter. Home schooling magnifies your flaws and makes you realize how much you need the Lord, that you can never do it well for each child, through every season and for all the years that you do it apart from Him. The best homeschooling days are the ones when I remember this. The worst ones, like today, are the ones when I try to force my kids to learn and push them for the wrong reasons, mostly selfish ones.  

However, I will end by talking about how beautiful God’s grace is. Tiana returned to her cheerful self the rest of the day, almost like she forgot what happened. I’m sure she didn’t, she hasn’t, but I praise God for the opportunity to repair my mistake later on in the day. This is one of the reasons why home schooling has made such a positive difference in our family – the kids and I have so much time together, to build and rebuild our relationship. I had the rest of the day to hug, kiss, and affirm Tiana. By the evening, we prayed together and she fell asleep peacefully, knowing she was loved and treasured by me.

As for my four other kids (especially my two older ones), they were strangely comforted by my display of weakness. After I asked for forgiveness, one of them confessed, “You know, mom, I also feel mad at times and I can relate with how you felt.”

In other words, we get it, mom, none of us are perfect, we struggle with the same things.

Edric also came to my rescue (and Tiana’s), offering to help teach Tiana addition and subtraction. He knows how to add the element of fun in his instruction and not take the obstacles too seriously. Yeah!

I have to believe that God can still use a bad incident like this and use it for good in our homeschool journey. I’m ashamed about what happened, but I thought to share it as a reminder to myself that home schooling on my own power isn’t enough. On a practical level, I also need to walk away, maybe get a glass of water, say a quick prayer, breathe in deeply, or hum a happy tune when I feel the frustration rising in me so I don’t get to the point where I lose it on my kids. 

Is it just me? Can you all relate somehow? 
 

Comments

  1. Aileen Pamintuan says:

    I smiled just looking at the title of the post. I thought to myself..you’re just like ME. Whew!! I really thought before that you are like a super mom and wife. My impression of you is that you are a very calm, caring and godly woman..and I sometimes don’t want to read your posts about your family especially at times when I feel like a failure as a wife and mother of two. Thank you for sharing. I can definitely relate. I get mad at myself mostly after the outburst cause I can see the sting of my words and actions on my children’s eyes whenever I get frustrated teaching them. Thank God that children are very forgiving. Usually it seems easier for them to forgive me than having me forgive myself. I am happy you can share even the blow by blow account. Let us both pray for each other and to all the moms reading your posts. Being a mom is really hard work. But God gave us our children to demonstrate to us what sacrifice and love really mean.

  2. Thank you Joy for sharing. I am not homeschooling yet but I lost it many times when my almost 3 year old son doesn’t obey. It’s hard and challenging. When I lost it, I feel guilty and call myself a bad mother. I really appreciate your honesty.

  3. tao lang din tayo hindi porket Christian hindi na nagagalit natatakot tayo na hindi magagawa ng anak naten mga in expect naten sa kanila.. iniisip naten ung ibang bata alam na yung ganitong bagay. Pero iba-iba sila at sa panahon ng Diyos sila natututo hindi pinilit.

  4. Appreciate you for this honesty, Joy. I totally feel you. *hug* I’ve had days like this too, not only in homeschooling, but parenting as well. It is really shameful to confess that moments like this happen, but praise God for His mercy and grace. And thank God that our children are instruments of these. May we all be continuously sustained by God as we do our roles as parents in teaching and raising our kids to their fullest potential and in godly character. Thank you for this post as I needed this reminder today. ❤️

  5. olive alvero says:

    HI Joy,
    I can really,really relate to that. I can say that’s why tutorials are flourishing in our area because moms have the same experience as you have.Moms perhaps lack the patience when it gets to their own kids because they have a very high standard for them to learn quickly(so they thought). Actually i myself(being a tutor) doesn’t have the same patience I do with other children than my own. I feel so upset and teach with a loud,irritating voice with my kid.Lord forgive me. But i also couldn’t understand why i was that way . So just to share with you that you are not alone in your teaching journey in teaching our own kids. More when we see each other in Dubai. God bless you.

  6. m joyce go says:

    This kind of brain is exactly why I took a Science course in college, not Business. I’m going to say Thank you! to my aunty for tutoring me in Math for several years. It must have been just as frustrating for her (CPA) having a student with this kind of brain that likes less Math.

  7. Chona cacha says:

    I had my shares of outbursts too…but the lesson i will never forget an elder of the church showed me was…they (children) are who we taught them to be. If they fail on something it’s because failed to teach them first. So instead if being frustrated I cry to the Lord and feel sorry for my shortcomings, ahd then how amazing God works bcos He will shiw me ways to teach my child innovatively

  8. We can all relate, Christians and Non-Christians alike! The only difference would be is where we can rest when these events occur. Who we can run to when we can’t handle it anymore. Whose ears are willing to listen and truly understand us and feel safe when we need to rant.

    Thank you for your courage and humility to remind us that we can still be loved despite our flaws and shortcomings. You are one to look up to Miss Joy!

    PS
    Tiana is a wonderful kid. She may not be good at math but she has shown her beauty and strength in the situation. Her generosity and kindness is something we should admire and imitate. She doesn’t “add” bad things in her mind so she can always spring back to being happy. God truly knows how to make everything good out of bad and show us the true beauty in the people around us!

  9. Mrs. Bueno says:

    Yes🙏🏼❤️ You are not alone. I am an English teacher and have a difficult group of fourth graders. God is humbling us to pray more and at the end just love them even when they don’t get it:) That’s what they will remember anyways at the end of the day.

  10. Not that I’m rejoicing with your outburst but, I felt better knowing that I’m not the only one! It’s like God is telling me, “see? She is also a work in progress. Just follow and trust me.” 😊 Thank u for your honesty. Don’t worry, kaya natin to!!! God have our backs.👍

  11. Ms. Maria says:

    Aww.. reading this made me cry. But praise God that He continually forgives us that we learn to also forgiveness, also He continually mold us and help us learn and grown with Him. I remember, this is way-way back,90s, I was I think in grade 2 or 3, so me and my mom were practicing to read aloud fast but with proper pronunciation of words in the dining room. We have different perspective of what fast is and I was and still a sensitive kid, in my view I was reading fast and aloud in her view it was not, that grew to her irritation to me. As I was reading, her voice kept higher and higher, telling me, “speak louder” and “faster”. during those time, I was getting scared, and my tears began to pore little by little, but I was trying to hold those tears so hard.
    I was so scared of her that she might see or notice the tear drops and wet parts of the page, I would make simple ways to wipe the wet parts like, using my fingers and sometimes cover the part with my hold hand, like I was resting my hand or something.
    Still we continued to practice, and I was not looking at her anymore, her voice began to be louder until she saw the wet part of a page and I lied, and told her I have colds. Still continued, then it came. she was so annoyed at me that she shouted at me so loud, she said “Bilisan mo kasi!”. and I could not lie and hold the tears anymore so I cried aloud, and she stopped and looked at me for awhile and then we went to the living room , just a few steps form the dining room, and she sat on the couch and she carried me and hugged me. while hugging me she said, “shhh…ok….what do you want?” in a calm and soft voice. I wanted her to say “I’m sorry”, I wanted to say that but because I was so scared I couldn’t all I can say that time was ” Sinigang” ,my favorite food at that time, while crying. when she heard that, she laughed and called our helper and I just ate my feelings away. Well there were more arguments had gone by while I was growing after that.

    But by God’s grace, when I was in college, me and my mom began to be close and I can tell her anything like we are best friends, we had a moment to talk about that night. and she explained, that she was so exhausted that night from juggling 2 or sometimes 3 jobs because at that time my dad had no job. then it was by God’s grace that I understood her and forgave her for everything that happened between us from grade school to high school. I admit that I did a lot of rebellious things , but is was only through Jesus Christ that we are forgiven and gained mended hearts.

    To God be all the Glory.

  12. Thank you for being so authentic Joy! I appreciate you for sharing this and it brings to mind how i too snapped a pencil in two, broke a pair of scissors and tore my daughter’s book years ago when i was still homeschooling and she too has a memory of what i did in anger. But God is gracious and kind. Was deeply touched by your children’s sensitivity and understanding, their caring ways and even your husband’s support which is God’s grace at work to minister to you. God’s love and mercy, his kindness and sovereignty prevails. God bless you and your family!

  13. Arcel Robertson says:

    Joy, this is such a perfect timing and the verse you shared is perfect and I will meditate on it. No, it is not just you! My eldest who is in Kindergarten has the same issue. I always say, “we just read this word few seconds ago”. I know he is smart in his own way but I don’t know how to teach him in a way that speaks to him better. In addition tonight, we are using colored pencils to visualize it, I’ve used lines but it doesn’t seem to be working. Aggghhhhh! My son’s school doesn’t do homework and because it is spring break where we live, they sent him a pretty big packet of things to do while on vacation. This made me realize how much attention he needs and how much patience I need to have. Kids do learn differently I know, but how can I teach differently?

  14. Kæ Çe says:

    Been in that same situation with my twin sons: my youngest, i know he is bright but when he doesn’t feel like studying his common line is, “I don’t know” and shows disinterest, pouting lips, pushing book away from him and worst slamming his pencil on the desk. So giving him biblical pep talk with that disrespectful attitude. After couple of minutes he is more calm.

    Though me deep inside, i feel so bad of myself when I lose my patience and frustrated when i couldn’t handle with some of my their homeschooling struggles. I asked them if they want to go school outside so other teachers could teach them, that’s when the time it hits my boiling point. I asked my husband if we could send them to school to unchain myself from this challenges. I just get a passive answer to my husband, feeling helpless on this ground. So, minutes of talking to myself and saying my prayers. God convicts me why I am experiencing this…. yes it is more on character moulding for me and how I should obey His will. He speaks to my heart, then I cried and ask His forgiveness. I ask Him to shower me patience and kindness how godly mom I should be, be more effective by impressing upon them God’s word in every situation.

  15. Yes. I can relate to this ms joy. 😢. Why is really hard to control our anger even though we know it will just cause conflict between others or love ones?

  16. I can relate with having thoughts that there’s something wrong with my child’s brain! Asking “how can’t her brain work the way mine does” (in terms of grasping math concepts). Oh my, how can I criticize what God had made so beautifully and so special. It’s true that Home schooling magnifies our flaws and makes us realize how much we need the Lord, we can’t do it apart from Him. Praising the Lord for His mercy and grace.

    Thank you Joy for sharing this humbling experience. It’s encouraging to know that many moms share the same weakness and we have a God who forgives us and sees us through every weakness.

  17. I myself have the same sentiments, i can relate on how our anger and frustration transform us from being loving to monster mom..and i fully regret after the outburst, the pain emotionally and physically i inflicted to my children makes me less a mother and a person. Being a mother is an everyday challenge, but in God’s grace everthying will fall into places. Thank you Joy for sharing this, its an eye opener and inspiration. GOD BLESS.

  18. Thank you for sharing Joy. Somehow, when i read your blogs i kinda feel inadequate because you seem to have it all the time. But this post reminds me like you and me, we make mistakes. And i know i make more than you do 😊. So don’t be hard on yourself. Edric’s right. God is just humbling us to be made perfect in His time. God bless you

  19. Eddie Marc says:

    I don’t know how my own experience would help your struggle and perception with your daughter Miss Joy. I am the eldest of the four brod’s. My Mom shows potential in me since I was a kid but never too proud of my Math performance. She herself admitted that though she tops in class but never in Math. She’s average, humbly admitting to the four of us. I also belong among the top performer in the class since grade school. But my grades in Math were always at an average not until when I was in Grade 4 that I got 79 grade during second grading period. I was too afraid to tell my Mom and if I only I could hide it to her. But she is the one who used to sign my report cards. So when she knew that I got a poor grade, she was very mad and disappointed at me.She did not sign my report card and so my father was the one to sign it until the third grading period. I was afraid I’ll not be able to be among the top on the last grading. But God’s grace is unlimited. I was the highest on the fourth grading in our Math periodical exam and so my Math teacher gives consideration and adjusted my 79 grade to 85 and got 95 final grade. I finished as the top 4 in our class. But my Math struggle remains until my high school. I never excel in this subject and that low confidence just keep me on a high pressure until I build up fears not only on the subject but also to all my Match teachers. I graduated high school not satisfied with my performance particularly in Math subjects. I have a lot of fears to take up course in college that involve numbers. To make my story short, God used my weakness in this subject to face my fear in numbers. I took up BS Accountancy and finished strong as Magna Cumlaude. I am a practicing CPA and working on the financials of our company here abroad. To God Be the Glory! He is a God of Surprises Miss Joy! He can really turn our weaknesses as our great strength in His perfect time. I feel you and especially Tiana. I love your family! Thank you for your authenticity. 🙂

  20. Celeste Borja says:

    When you wrote that homeschooling magnifies your flaws…It is so true! I have come to realize so many things that I see when I parent and teach my child. That my son is just like me and why I get easily irritated because he acts like me. Praise God that He is there to help me realize and change my ways so together we improve on what we need to improve and to know that God is not yet done with us. Thank you,Joy for sharing and for your blogs. It really helps.

  21. Hi Ms Joy!
    My mother used to have an incredibly hard time teaching me as well. I wasnt home schooled, but she was very strict with me. How you reacted to Tiana is nothing compared to how she got mad. Episodes of chasing me around with a stick, throwing books, and yelling were part of my daily routine. She admits it was a weakness, but it is true when you say it makes the child insecure. Trust me. Until now, my mom’s way of quizzing me still haunts me. I saw myself in tiana in this story. I pray that the Lord will help you, so as not to affect Tiana and tne others. But be comforted in the fact that its natural to be frustrated 🙂 we just have to respond, not react. Praying for Tiana’s improvement in Math!

  22. For a moment there, while reading your post, I got a bit confused if I was reading about a particular day I had in MY homeschooling with my daughter. Could there be really someone so well-experienced in homeschooling going through the exact same emotions and actions as I did?!

    I have been a “silent” follower here. But this one made me raise my hand and stand up. I am not alone. Your story has given me reassurance that extreme difficulties do not mean God wants me to stop and take another path. Sometimes it means overcoming that mountain. Your story has prepared me for my family’s next homeschooling chapter, “Multi-level homeschooling”. Though I am excited to spend more time with my second daughter (coming from trad school), I admit that I am more anxious than excited when the reality of dealing with my kids’ different learning styles, temperament, and character enters my mind.

    But thank you for your story of encouragement. The honesty and humility in your story has reassured me of God’s message to me; that I heard Him correctly the first time. No excuses.

    Thank you, Joy.

  23. Hi Joy.

    I feel for Tiana and somehow can relate to her. I wasn’t homeschooled. Yet at 25 I still vividly remember the trauma I experienced when I couldn’t perform well at school. When I was 13, just a day before my exams, I pulled an all-nighter with my aunt to learn the concept of buoyancy. Earlier that night, my mum screamed at me, demanding that I get into the pure science curriculum, the better curriculum my school offered. She demanded that I must achieve what my elder sister did. My aunt gave me gum to chew just to get me through the night. I ended up memorizing everything without comprehending what was taught to me.

    Even in college, I took with me that fear of failure. I was so afraid to fail. My mum was no longer that demanding as she knew how difficult accountancy is. I felt limited as fear stopped me from exploring and learning. I was afraid to ask as I didn’t want others to belittle the kind of questions I might throw and how my mind works. I kept all my struggles in and trusted few who would entertain my inquiries knowing they will lovingly answer and explain to me even when they had to repeat it several times for me.

    This fear has been inculcated in me and slowly I’m seeing myself grow and get past it. I’m now a CPA and working as an auditor. If I were to turn back time I wish I didn’t give in to the pressure of learning per other people’s standards even my mum’s. I have my own pace and learning curve.

    I hope Tiana won’t go through the same. Learning is at it’s best when there is no fear or pressure but love and encouragement. She is lucky to be homeschooled because you, her mummy, are in control of her learning environment.

    I usually don’t respond to blogs but something within urged me to speak my mind. I hope you wouldn’t mind my sharing. I mean well.

    Lots of love,

    Zarah

  24. Darlene says:

    I’m guessing this blog has received more comments than any previous blog. We all can relate! Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability

  25. I was crying as I read this post. I happens tome, and it is the worst feeling. When I see my child hurting because of my impatience, I really want to put them in a normal school. I feel guilty. I am worried that my child will have a math trauma because of me. Yet, God redeems every situation into knowing more about God’s grace. You’re right, homeschooling magnifies our flaws and most importantly it magnifies God. God bless our homeschooling journey.

  26. Thank you for having the courage to share this story. I agree with most of the comments here about how a lot of parents can relate with your outburst, and there is truly nothing more humbling than having to apologoze to your child. Every time I lose my patience with either of my kids, it takes a LOT of effort to swallow my pride and apologize sincerely. They’re at the age where they are starting to express their emotions and trying their independence and I want them to know that I can make mistakes too, with my words and my reactions, and would like to model to them what one needs to do when one misbehaves (i.e. Mommy tantrums). Plus I don’t want them to grow up internalizing guilt at all times; I don’t want them to always think that when someone they love is angry, it’s their fault and they need to apologize to somehow make that person happy. I can never say it enough, but blessing me with children was one of the ways that God made (and continues to make) my heart more mature. 😊

  27. Tolet Antolin says:

    Your kids are right. We all get mad at some point. It is not okay of course to act out in front of our kids, but, sometimes we just can’t help it. Joy, you are a wonderful mom and this is just a part of it. By the way you acted after the incident just shows how wonderful you are. By realizing and confessing and asking for their forgiveness that it is you who’s at fault, you showed your kids that they are valuable. Some parents don’t even realize that and tend to blame it all on their kids. So, your kids are still lucky that their mom values (and means it) their emotions. God bless your heart. And as a preschool teacher, Math is also one of my biggest challenges in teaching 4-5 year olds, most especially regrouping! They just don’t get it sometimes. What I’ve learned is that to not expect anything from them no matter how well you think you’ve taught it and no matter how many times you taught it. Sometimes, they just don’t get it and its okay. Because they will bloom later on at their own time.

  28. Celestine says:

    HI Teacher Joy,
    As your avid reader and follower, when I first read your title, I already knew it was something related to outburst and anger. I am not a mom but I can relate to Tiana. 🙂 My mom used to review us also when I was still a kid and I was not that good in Math as well ( I think in academics in general). There were series of outbursts while reviewing and I always not look forward to our review sessions. She was a working mom so I tried to understand her firmness and expectations when she reviewed me. I can also sense that , hindi siya nagagalingan sa akin when it comes to academic because i got low grades, that I still need someone to tutor me, that I cannot study on my own. What triggered the hurt was when I declared to them 5 years ago that I want to pursue a graduate program in UP Diliman and she had that comment which I clearly remembered, ” Ano naman ang maibubuga mo dun?” I knew she meant a different thing but It hit me so much because I felt soooo low that she thinks I cannot make it. My elder sister would always explain to me that what my mom meant about her statement but the damage has been done. Since then, I was not grade conscious. I just did my best in everything I do and I promised myself I will be good in life skills and be independent. Independent in a way that I will be more street smart rather than academically smart.
    I can also relate to what you have said that your children might never forget that incident. That is so true! There were occasions when I can still remember the rough, tough and hurting words that my mom used to tell me before. I never knew that it left a big scar in my heart until now I am in my 30sh. Those incidents hurt me a lot and up to now I still carry it in my heart and I think those were the hindering factors for me not to be open with my mom. Right now, at this season of my life, I am trying my best to forgive her and put down my wall to her. I am just so amazed how you apologized to your children and Tiana also because I believe this is what we just wait also for parents to say to us to lessen the hurt.
    Thank you also for sharing the verse James 1:20. 🙂

    • yeah my mom never said sorry to me either for all those times she said… “ano namang alam mo jan?” or “hindi mo alam yun? akala ko ba matalino ka?” or when she told the neigbhor “ayoko talaga magkaron ng anak na babae” … i dont hate my mom… just her guts.

  29. Corinne says:

    Totally can relate. I’m not homeschooling my kids but my middle child is so like Tiana and I get frustrated most of the time I’m trying to teach her something and she’s a very strong willed child. Thanks for sharing… I actually cried while reading… 😊

  30. Jannette says:

    It is all about the Grace of God 😊
    The grace that we need everyday to
    humble us and run to Jesus on our
    knees 🙏 Homeschooling is really a tool
    to dig deeper and see who we really are
    and who God really is. We are a big
    mess that only God himself through
    the finish work of Jesus could clean and fix.
    Our lives is a story of His grace ❤️

  31. Kristina says:

    I think there is something WRONG? How can you do that to Tiana? (I Threw a Pencil, Ripped a Page, and Slammed the Door) we are role-model for our child and more likely they will imitate what we are doing or how we react. So please take care next time dear..

  32. Joaquin (Juancho) says:

    My gulay you need anger management! Tiana must have been so scared! My gulay woman!

  33. Arpee Navarro says:

    “Mom, when you are not happy, none of us feel happy.” this melted my heart. It is so real. Mothers are the light of our home. But when we get “busted”, darkness sets in. During moments like these, we badly, deeply need Jesus’ light to emanate us from within and restore ourselves so we won’t rob our loved ones of our more steady and glowing love that they truly deserve from us. Thank you, Joy. Thank you.

  34. Been there done that says:

    Joy that is hurtful af. I hope guilt haunts you like crazy because tiana will be forever traumatized. Tsk

    • it was hurtful, yes. but it’s precisely that kind of comment and mindset that haunt people like crazy, really. especially those who admit to have been there and done that and simply pass on their guilt to others in two, three liners. just like that!

      • Been there done that says:

        Wow i bet you’re as guilty as joy. Poor kids you have.

        • I hope you are not stalking this family. You subscribe to her blog, then go through all the trouble reading her posts just so you can leave hurtful comments. I think you are the one badly hurt here. Whoever you are, I pray that despite you doing all this, God will use it to reach into your heart. Continue reading her posts 🙂

    • For once, I agree

  35. Andrea Ann Linao says:

    I have a 5yr old daughter and I’ve been wanting to home school her for 2 yrs now. But I couldn’t make up my mind because of fear.. Upon reading this, I realized that it is definitely harder than sending her to school :p
    Now, although feeling uncertain still, I see me in you. I sometimes lose it too. I personally tutor my daughter almost everyday after class and she can really get into my nerves sometimes.. but a part of me still wanta to push through with it.
    Observing you, I say to myself, “your family is close to perfect..how can I be that good too?”
    I’m glad you shared this.. It made me feel that you are human after all and that I will definitely have my share of outbursts, too. But I can still push thru with it.
    Please pray for me as I decide to home school my litle angel.

  36. We all have some moments like this one. Homeschooling four kids for me wasn’t easy as you think it was. There were tears, frustrations and so much impatience. But there wasn’t any regret at all. I thank the Lord because of my kids I learned so much. I ‘ve discovered things about myself, I’ve learned so much from them than they learned from me. I was the least likely candidate for this job because I most of the time yelled at them, became mean to them, and was at the highest lebel of impatience. It was just the grace of God that got me through for He said in 2 Corithians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” . To my children, thank you for our Homeschooling journey. I know there are days we enjoyef each other, for those days that we didn’t, my sincere apology. Mom and Dad love you so much and we always mean well for all of you. 🙂

  37. *level

  38. Joy, thanks for sharing this story. Although it’s not a good experience, God is able to use it it to teach you, your kids, and your readers important lessons. I’m also comforted to know that I’m not alone in this struggle.

    I also want to thank the readers who shared their experiences with their mothers’ outbursts. I am a mother of two and will start homeschooling my 5 y.o son soon. When he studied in a trad school, I tutored most of his lessons and helped him with his projects. Many times, I lost it too, really bad. I felt guilty every time. And I’m thankful that my son is very forgiving. I will remember your words though. I don’t want my children to go through the same thing. And for you, I pray that the Lord will heal your wounds whether your mothers humble themselves or not.

  39. Hi Joy,
    Thank you for sharing.
    I am a parent to a child with Special Needs and the anger and frustration that you feel – is sooo Real to me, in a different context and perspective. I want to encourage you. Our journey is impossible without the Lord. God bless you! 🙂

  40. Obviously, home schooling is not for everyone, the same way regular school wasn’t for me, but I was kept there and so my learning progress was stunted. So why push the home schooling method on Tiana when a real teacher with more training can teach her in a regular school? I mean at least try. Or else you’re doing more harm than good. Also, it seems that your younger kids are not used to basic public speaking, maybe it’s due to being too sheltered at home and not in a normal school where public interaction is a basic task.

  41. yes, totally can relate, and it is strangely comforting to know that i am not the only who loses it. it’s weird that i shed a few tears when you were describing how tiana and catalina were saying sorry to you, i guess it reminded me of my own daughter when lost my temper at her and she was the one saying sorry to me! i felt horrible. i recently lost it again a few days ago, and although my youngers kids have forgiven me, my eldest son who is 16 years old is somewhat still aloof towards me. Just goes to show the older they get the harder it is to win them over.

  42. I think Tiana is just not ready with the lesson… I have a child with a learning disability and it’s a blessing that I am able to homeschool him because I am able to follow his queue if he’s ready for a particular lesson or not. If he went to a traditional school, he will be so lost, would definitely be left behind and be frustrated about school. He has ADD and auditory processing disorder. He’s very smart, has a photographic memory abd has a very high IQ. But he doesn’t learn the same way as a typical child does. Some topics he understands right away, but other times it takes him awhile to get it. I always pray to God for patience and guidance. I am not saying your daughter has a disability but maybe you’re just pushing her to do something she’s not ready for.
    I appreciate your blog very much. God bless to ypu and your family.

  43. Karen T. Bersalona says:

    Thank you for this post Ms. Joy. I can relate! I have struggles also in teaching Math to my 5 year old daughter. If she can’t get it after explaining to her again and again, my craziness will come out and it’s like I’m bursting inside of me and I would like to throw something to be relieved. Weeew I thought it was just me, but you experienced it also. Well, we are all human and we need God’s daily sufficient grace in our everyday work. I learned a lot from this post. God bless you Ms. Joy! God bless us parents!

  44. Dorina Pelayo says:

    I am so touch of how your kids can relate with you. And they are really knowing you well and love you the way you are.
    You are so blessed!

  45. Camille Bondoc says:

    My husband and I were planning to homeschool our kids (7yrs old and 3 yrs old) this school year. I am smiling while reading your post, Miss Joy. Homeschooling is not for everybody. It requires patience. If I can enroll to a how-to-be-patient-while-teaching class, I would. Haha. Thank you for this. I will be backreading your posts so I can prepare myself.

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