Father

You Have to Let Him Be the Man

November 28, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 2 Comments

Edan, our second, is 7. So he has a number of baby teeth on their way out. I pulled one a few weeks ago. Edric was jealous that I did it. He wanted the honor of pulling it out himself. But I couldn’t help it. The thing was practically dangling at a 45 degree angle. It was much too tempting not to pop that sucker out and that’s exactly what I did. I pushed down on it really fast with my thumb and it came right off. Edan was too stunned to realize there was any pain. I was so looking forward to pulling out his other teeth but they weren’t quite ready.

Two weeks later another baby tooth was just barely hanging on. We were in a lighting store at a home depot when Edan showed me how loose it was.

“Do you want me to pull it out? I can do it right now.”

Edan stopped me, “Daddy said he is going to do it.”

I tried to bargain with Edric for the opportunity to since I had done it so successfully the last time but he wouldn’t budge. “Nope, I am doing it.” He was adamant and confident.

Okay, okay. We got home and Edric brought Edan to our bathroom. With Edan facing him he proceeded to pull on the tooth with a tissue. A tissue?! My thoughts were, You’ve got to be kidding me. That isn’t going to work.

He spent about five minutes toiling over how to do it and using the tissue without success. Edan was feeling very stressed and on the verge of tears. I really really wanted to say, “Can I please take over, that’s not the way to do it. I know what to do. Just let me do it.”

But I couldn’t defame Edric in front of the kids. Some of them were watching in suspense and Edan believed that Edric could do it. He was terrified but he trusted his dad. So I stood aside but discreetly suggested that he could flick the tooth downwards with his thumb and it would probably come out really fast.

He gave my suggestion a try and the tooth didn’t resist at all. The root was so worn down it just popped out. Edan was so happy and relieved. Whew. So was I!

Edric pulled me aside and asked, “How did you know that would work?”

“Really? You have never done it that way before? I pulled out my own teeth that way when I was a kid.”

“I have never pulled out a tooth!”

“Seriously?! You have never pulled out even your own teeth?!”

“Nope. In fact I was getting pretty stressed and nervous trying to pull out Edan’s!”

No wonder why he was trying to grip the tooth with a tissue initially and attempting to pull it upwards! He could have at least thought of using pliers!

Well, looking back I am glad that he still came out the hero in all this. The kids were impressed at how he eventually got it out.

It may seem like such a small thing but our kids are watching us all the time. They observe the way Edric and I relate to one another as husband and wife. We try to respect one another in front of the kids because we also ask them to respect us. So when he has greater insight or perspective on a matter and vice versa, we will correct in private or give suggestions in a way that doesn’t make each another look inferior or incapable (as much as possible). We support each other’s roles and affirm them. In this instance, I stepped aside to let Edric be the man, especially given the fact that getting their teeth pulled is pretty terrifying for our kids. So
I wanted them to be confident that he could definitely do it. I wanted them, especially Edan who is going to be losing a lot more, to trust his dad.

And…well the added bonus is he REALLY DOES know how to pull out a tooth efficiently now!

In a marriage, we must help one another improve but not in a hostile take-over manner. Nobody is perfect. A husband and wife both need each other to become better, but it should be done in a positive manner, and not in a way that makes each other bitter because they are humiliated or belittled.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; (Romans 12:10 NASB)

Do Not Aim For External Obedience

November 22, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 8 Comments

My fourth child is Tiana.
She is a charming 3 year old and she knows it. Tiana will flutter her eyelashes, twinkle those big brown eyes of hers and flash a disarming smile, and voila! you forget that she needs to be disciplined for something. But Edric and I need to make sure that she doesn’t miss this critical stage of discipleship and discipline, which is largely about obedience. We want her to learn to obey because it is for her good and protection.

Since we have a lot of kids, the challenge when it comes to discipline is consistency. Each child may need a modified or personalized approach but we want the same end result — internalized obedience. Obedience is preached, practiced, and applied in our home, so we cannot allow Tiana to be an exemption.

For example, some time ago, the kids and I were hanging out at my parent’s place. And while I was putting them down for a nap, their cousin came in to rest with them. This would have been fine had my niece calmly gone to sleep. But she was singing, humming, buzzing, and trying to get their attention. I told her that if she kept that up, she would have to take a nap by herself. Well, she did not listen, so I took the kids out of the room and let them sleep elsewhere.

My niece is a sweet girl but she is not my daughter so I can only control what I do with my own kids. I wanted my children to see that I meant what I said and I would follow through. Their cousin wailed for a while because she was upset that she could not nap with everyone else. The kids could hear her in the other room but they understood why I couldn’t let them stay together. No one would be able to sleep.

After about fifteen minutes, my own kids settled down and were hitting that point where their eyes glaze over and they fall asleep. However, Tiana was moving about on the bed and playing with her pillow. So I told her, “If you do not obey mommy and lay down quietly you will be disciplined.” She acknowledged this but didn’t take me too seriously. As a result the other kids were unable to fall asleep. They knew that Tiana wasn’t obeying me and they were waiting to see how I would handle the situation.

I looked over at Tiana who was sitting up on her side of the bed, fiddling with the zipper on a memory foam pillow. She was not lying down. Honestly, I did not want to spank her. I was seated comfortably across the room looking up recipes on my Ipad. But I knew that if I didn’t deal with the situation, she would think, “I can get away with this sort of thing.” And there was the matter of her brothers looking on to see my next move. They knew that if they were in her shoes, they would have been disciplined.

So I picked her up, took her into the bathroom and explained to her that she did not obey. As a result, she would be getting a spanking. Edric and I don’t spank our kids a lot. We can count the number of times each of our children has been spanked. But when we do spank, our kids know that it is for disobedience. It is a rule that is clear to our children.

Tiana got a spanking. Afterwards, we talked about it and she said sorry for not obeying. She also laid down quietly like I had asked her to previously.

I love my kids and I don’t like to spank them. But because I love them, I want them to understand what it means to obey and submit to authority. It is for their greater good. Some people may not agree with using spanking as a form of discipline. In our home, however, we have used it in the context of a good relationship with our kids. It is not done in anger. It is primarily used to correct disobedience, especially while they are between the ages of 1 and 6. We also use other forms of discipline like withdrawal of privileges and natural logical consequences.

Harold Sala wrote, “You can discipline without love, but can you really love without discipline? Discipline is an integral part of love. Although discipline is actually a very old concept, there are many, today, who consider any form of discipline to be punishment. There is a vast difference between the two. Centuries ago, the writer of Scripture declared that discipline is the result of real parental love, just as God’s discipline for His children is the result of His love and concern for our lives.”

“My son do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights” (Proverbs 3:11-12).

It’s interesting that discipline makes our children feel more secure because they know their boundaries. When parameters are set, our kids are aware of what we expect from them and what they need to work on in their character. They don’t have to guess or figure out what is right from wrong as they go along. As parents we tell them what is right based on God’s word and then make them accountable and responsible for choosing to do what we tell them to.

Tiana is still young so we have a lot to work on with her. As for her three older brothers, we are trying to ingrain in them the higher motivation for obedience — the desire and will to love the Lord and please him. After all, we aren’t after mere external compliance but the peace of knowing that our children will follow God’s word even when we aren’t watching them.

Someone asked me very recently, “How do you make your children obey?” I had a problem with that question. First, my goal is not to MAKE them obey. I want them to embrace obedience as God’s plan for their lives– for blessing, protection, and an abundant life. During the early years, we teach our kids that obedience is doing what we say, but eventually we teach them that obedience is doing what we say with a cheerful attitude. It is about the heart.

Second, obedience is something I want my kids to see modeled by Edric and I. God has established a chain of command in the home. Edric is the head and I am under his authority. If I don’t submit to Edric or if I do so with a bad attitude, I distort my children’s concept of obedience to authority. Furthermore, my authority over them is established only if I exemplify what I ask of them. If I ask them to obey me but they see me contradicting, disrespecting and undermining Edric’s authority then I can’t expect them to understand obedience from the heart.

If we have to keep MAKING our children obey there may be something wrong with our approach to discipline.
We may be focusing too much on the behavior and punishment instead of discipling the hearts of our kids. Discipline is necessary but we need to reinforce character instruction, highlight the blessings of obedience, and remind our children that when they obey us they are ultimately pleasing God. Furthermore, if our children aren’t obeying us we need to look at our own example. Do we obey the authorities in our lives with a cheerful attitude, especially our husbands?

Counterflow! (Updated Details)

November 21, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 13 Comments

Don’t miss this event. Attending a parenting seminar like this immensely helped Edric and I become better parents. We learned valuable principles that we have applied as we raise our children.

Counterflow is about parenting against the tide of modern thinking which has removed God from the equation and turned towards humanistic philosophies and perspectives on how to bring up children. Man-centric child rearing is on a dark path. We are seeing a rise in a generation of young people who do not have a moral compass, who are sexually promiscuous, who struggle with gender confusion, who live in a virtual world, who are addicted to social media, who act out violent fantasies, and who are victims of broken homes.

We need to change this. We need to stand against this tidal wave and save the next generation.

The content of this seminar will focus on big picture parenting and how to teach, influence and disciple your child at every stage of their lives from baby to young adult. Even singles are welcome! Find out what kind of parent you need to be before you start a family. Hope to see you there!

First “Work” Shoes

November 7, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 6 Comments

My 10 year old, Elijah, is now “working.” Edric is paying him to speak with him whenever he gives financial seminars or talks. It’s part of mentoring Elijah into manhood. For every seminar Elijah gives with his dad, he earns 1,000 pesos. It is not much but it’s a good first job. He plans to put that money into his stocks.

Every time he is supposed to get paid, he also gives Edric a billing statement. It summarizes how much Edric owes him.

I just made a deal with him, too. He can make 200 pesos a week for tutoring Edan in Grade 2 Filipino. Since I want to reinforce his own grasp of the subject and need help teaching it, he sits beside Edan while Edan does his work on Genyo. (Genyo is an online program for English, Math, Science, Social Studies and Filipino. I got it for the kid’s Filipino because I can’t teach them well enough with a book. This program makes it interactive and fun.) Elijah was excited about the idea of being able to earn money for his services as a tutor.

Since he is receiving income now, I took him out to buy him a work outfit. He went with me to pick out his shirt, pants and belt. My kids are homeschooled so they don’t have too many dressy clothes. They don’t need them. But now that Elijah has to be on stage with his dad, a more presentable outfit was necessary.

The most challenging part was the shoes. Elijah’s feet are huge. He wears a 5 to 6 men’s as a 10 year old. So we could not find anything at the children’s section. We took about two hours to find something and it was pricey.

He kept going through the aisles trying to find the best deal because he didn’t want me to spend a lot. But I knew he was hoping to get a style that resembled Edric’s. In fact, all the ones he would look at were like Edric’s shoes. And then he would turn them over and not want me to buy them because they were expensive.

When we finally found a leather pair that fit him well and looked very handsome on him, he voluntarily said, “Mom, I will pay you back with my own money.”

Aww. I felt like crying. Of course he didn’t have to pay me back! I really wanted to buy him a pair of “work” shoes. I was even more happy to buy them because he is beginning to understand the value of money as he works to earn it. What are mothers for anyway? It was my privilege to get him ready for his first job.

Integrity of Heart

October 31, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 3 Comments

Our children know that lying is wrong and truthfulness is important. However this conviction does not kick in until they have a relationship with Jesus Christ and grow in their faith.

Yesterday morning Edan asked Edric if he could install an app on the IPad. Edric told him to wait for him to review it. (We are careful about the time spent on games and the type of games — preferably educational.) Both of us had a meeting outside of the house so Edan had to control his desire to start playing with the app. When we got back Edric found out that Edan honored his request so he called him into the room to commend him.

“Sit down, Edan, I want to talk to you… I am very proud of you for having integrity. Do you know what that means?”

“No.”

Edric explained, “Integrity is doing what you are supposed to do even when no one is looking.”

I watched this dialogue from my position on the bed, while holding Catalina and feeding her.

Edan smiled at first but then his face and posture suggested that he was bothered. He began to say, “Sometimes I do things that you tell me not to do…when you are not around.”

“Like what?” Edric prodded.

(Yeah, like what? I thought to myself, bracing myself for his answer. What could it possibly be? Edan is a serious guy, this might be something serious. What is it? What is it?!)

Edan continued, “Sometimes I change outside of the bathroom.” And he started to cry.

Huh?! That was it?! I started to cry. My sweet son was convicted about that?! I thought of how tender his heart is.

Immediately, Edric pulled him over to hug him. “That’s ok. Thanks for telling me.”

Edan also added, “And sometimes, Tiana comes into the bathroom when we are all taking a shower. And sometimes, I go into the bathroom when she is taking a shower.”

“Is there anything else?” Edric asked.

Edan shook his head. “That’s all I can think of.”

Here’s a backgrounder: Edric had a rule about modesty. He said the kids should change in private and not run around naked. He wanted them to be gentlemen. He also wanted the boys and Tiana to take a shower separately from one another because she is a girl. The thing is, right now they share a bathroom so it’s pretty challenging to follow this rule.

Edan really took that principle to heart and he was bothered when Edric complimented him for being honest. I looked over at Edric to signal him that we need to revise that rule as “try your best not to” instead of an absolute “have to.” Otherwise, someone like Edan, who is very rule-conscious, might end up having unnecessary guilt about these things. It isn’t something major.

I wanted to share this story because Edan’s desire to do what is right is a mark of the Holy Spirit’s work in his life. A few years ago, he would not have been like this. He would sometimes connive and manipulate to get his way. And now he is willfully confessing his mistakes. I really believe it is because he made Jesus Lord and Savior of his life and he is growing in his faith. It is the Holy Spirit who puts in him the desire to practice righteousness. Nowadays, he admits it when his motivations are wrong and he confesses when he feels guilty about something.

It really blesses me that he has a tender conscience. He knows he can get a spanking when he voluntarily admits that he disobeyed a command. And if he doesn’t tell us we wouldn’t know. But he wants to walk in truth.

I had a parent ask me one time about a child who had a problem with lying. One of the first things I asked was, “Does the child have a relationship with Jesus?” Habitual lying in a child is symptomatic of their fallen nature. We are all born liars. The cure is to come to Christ, grow in Christlikeness, and listen to the conviction of the Holy Spirit when he tells us to change a wrong in our lives.

The bible tells us, “You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” (John 8:44 NASB)

We need to pay attention to the deeper spiritual issues in the lives of our children — the kind that cannot be cured by discipline alone. For example, I don’t think spanking is a good solution for something like lying. A child should be motivated to have integrity because they understand accountability to God and not because they are afraid of getting caught. They need to understand that God rewards those who live to please him in public and private.

When I was in college, I made some bad choices even if I had a relationship with God. I wasn’t physically pure while dating Edric. But I couldn’t live with this secret and neither could Edric. So before we got married, there was a point when we confessed our sinfulness to our parents. We didn’t have to tell them but we did. In fact, it might sound ridiculous that grown adults would do such a thing. However it was one of the best things we did as a couple. We wanted to have integrity before God.

This is a great Psalm to remind us to walk in integrity and truth (especially for leaders of the Philippines!):

O Lord, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, And speaks truth in his heart. He does not slander with his tongue, Nor does evil to his neighbor, Nor takes up a reproach against his friend; In whose eyes a reprobate is despised, But who honors those who fear the Lord; He swears to his own hurt and does not change; He does not put out his money at interest, Nor does he take a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things will never be shaken. (Psalms 15:1-5 NASB)

No One Outgrows Love

October 15, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 9 Comments

My mom and dad have a daily habit of walking. If possible, they do so twice a day, early in the morning and after dinner. In the mornings, swimming is part of that routine, especially for my dad. He will rarely miss being in the pool to do his laps. Being the incredibly disciplined person he is, sticking to a schedule is a priority. He invites my mom to do the same and together, they have enjoyed this daily form of exercise.

No matter where they are in the world (for as long as they aren’t in transit or attending an event or seminar) they will try to exercise.

When we were growing up my parents encouraged my siblings and I to walk with them, too. Mom and dad used this time to connect with us and get to know us better. Informal, relaxed, and outdoors, these elements were conducive to conversation.

So it became a family habit to walk and talk. We would often share with them what was going on in our lives as we made our way up and down the hills of Antipolo (where we spent most of our childhood). Walking time was synonymous with family bonding time.

Oh so long ago…

My siblings and I are all married now and we have families of our own. But whenever we are at my parents’ place for a visit, they ask us to join them for these walks.

Saturday morning was one of those occasions. Mom and dad asked Edric and I if we wanted to go for a walk. They had just gotten back from their trip to the US and hoped to reconnect with us.

I saw my dad dressed to go for a swim at the park. (His usual attire is a t-shirt, cap, and trunks with a pair of goggles in one hand.)

Since Edric and I were also eager to find out how their trip went, we rounded up the kids. “Let’s go walking!”

We got them to join in on the morning’s exercise. It was drizzling. Everyone took an umbrella (except for me because I don’t like using umbrellas unless I absolutely need to carry one) and we headed towards the park.

On the way, my parents told us about the conference they went to and about visiting with my sister and her family. However, for most of the distance, they wanted to know how we were. They wanted to listen to our stories.

My dad actually walked to the park and back without going for a swim. Although he was dressed up for it, he decided he would accompany us all the way back to the house first. He didn’t want our conversation to be cut short. At first, I thought it was due to the rain. But when we arrived at the house, I heard him tell his driver that he needed to be dropped off at the park. He was still going to go swimming.

“Why didn’t you swim when we were there earlier?” I asked him.

“I wanted to be with you guys,” was his reply.

He knew that if he had gone swimming then Edric, mom, the kids and I would have walked back to the house without him. And he didn’t want to be absent while we continued talking. More than that, he wanted to convey that we were important.

I hugged him. “Thanks dad.”

It may not seem like such a big deal but it was to me. I know how routine and goal-oriented my dad is. When he walks to the park, he goes there to swim. That’s his agenda. It is very unusual for him to allow disruptions in his schedule. So postponing his swim was a sweet gesture. He wanted to extend the opportunity to talk to Edric and I and be with our kids. It made me feel very loved.

It’s a blessing that we still get to share these walks from time to time. And I don’t think I will ever outgrow them. More than the actual exercise, it’s the fellowship that my siblings and I (and our spouses) enjoy. It still matters alot to us that mom and dad want to be tuned in to what’s going on in our lives.

As a parent myself, I know how much my own children value the time and attention Edric and I give to them. When we block off our schedules to be with them it tells them they are a priority. Even doing simple things like walking together, playing board games, sitting around the dinner table or telling stories make a powerful impact. In fact they like it alot more than receiving material presents from us because they have our undivided attention and presence. This is more precious to them.

Children long for this kind of assurance, to feel special…even grown up children. No one quite outgrows the desire to be loved and cherished by their own parents. And it doesn’t take expensive gifts to communicate this. More often than not it is the gifts of time, attention, genuine interest and concern that children want from their mom and dad.

“To Be Continued”

October 13, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 1 Comment

The kids love it when Edric invents stories. He tells them almost every night while the kids are tucked in their beds. On nights when he misses story-telling time, he runs a tab with the kids. Like tonight. He had to make up four stories.

I am laying down in the room with the kids while they listen, completely riveted. The stories he tells revolve around 7 characters with similar traits and names to our own family. But they each have a super power and work together on different missions. He interjects spiritual truth and character traits, too. It’s like a TV series only better because the kids have to use their imagination.

Edric isn’t the type to read a storybook but he enjoys story-telling. He is so great at creating these make believe plots that are ridiculous but absolutely entertaining for the kids. I don’t know how he does it but he sits there inventing on the fly and the kids look forward to it every night. He told me he likes the challenge of his multi-level audience and getting reactions out of them. He also likes getting to know them as he studies their responses to his comedy or serious parts.

This routine started a few weeks ago when Edric saw Edan’s achievement test results. Everything was great except for his listening skills. When we discussed how we can help him to improve in this area, he said he would try telling stories. Of course I was thrilled! Since I do most of the homeschooling, I appreciate any sort of participation and input Edric can give to our kids. So far, these stories have been a creative way to get Edan to practice attentiveness and comprehension. Since he is a visual learner, he relies more on pictures and text. His ears need to be “trained.”

Although the initial intent was to help Edan, the kids have all gotten hooked on these stories. They remind Edric every night that it is story time or they tell him how many stories he owes them.

I imagine that someday the kids will remember these entertaining evenings. And while Edric’s stories are very interesting, I know it is his time that really matters to them. He is a busy man and the nights are perfect for him to wind down and relax. But he goes out of his way to be with the kids.

In the past he would make sure to pray with them before bedtime and they always asked for this. But with the added component of a bedtime story, the kids are developing a new kind of affection for him. They know he wants to spend extra time with them and it makes them feel really special.

He ended his story # 4 tonight in the usual manner he does, “to be continued” and they gave their usual protest “What?! Why?! because they didn’t want to be left hanging. But they know that their dad will be back tomorrow night with another good tale to tickle their imaginations. And what they know even better is that he loves them.

I snapped pictures of the kids while they were listening…(Edan looks depressed but that’s just his serious face. It was probably a serious part of the story. Elijah looks like he is sleeping but that’s how he listens.)

An Appetite for Truth

October 2, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 3 Comments

The Kids Recite Psalm 1
The link above shows our kids reciting Psalm 1 during a parenting seminar Edric gave recently. He asked them to do it impromptu so it’s a rough performance but I thought they were so cute, especially Tiana who was copying her brothers.

Edric is really great at getting our kids to memorize bible verses. It’s part of our weekly family tradition. After I gave birth he decided they would memorize an entire chapter. He thought Psalm 1 would be a good one.

I love this Psalm. I memorized it as a child. It speaks of the blessings of following God, using a tree as a beautiful image to depict the fruitfulness of the righteous.

Edric and I have noticed that our kids tend to be better at memorizing scripture when we keep their minds “clutter-free.” We protect them from too much TV or media influence so they can fill their minds with content that favors spiritual health.

It’s interesting how memorizing scripture keeps a person mentally sharp as well. This worked wonders for my sister, Candy, when she was at dental school in San Francisco. She called my mom one day telling her that she was having such a hard time retaining all the information she had to remember for her classes. My mom encouraged her to memorize bible verses and this helped her with studying. It improved her memory. She did really well in dental school. In fact, she was Valedictorian (but this is another story).

There may be some sort of science to explain this but I also believe that God blesses those who treasure his word. I think about the story of Joshua as he was charged by God to lead the people of Israel into the promised land. God gave him the secret of success –

“This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.” (Joshua 1:8 NASB)

What kind of content is going into the minds and hearts of our children? Is it preparing them for future success?

I pray our children will have an appetite for spiritual truth and fall in love with God’s word, committing it to memory and letting it direct their consciences and decisions. But we have to do our part as parents and start cultivating this desire while they are young.

I praise God for a husband who knows that our own children will become casualties of anti-God philosophies and worldly values if they don’t commit scripture to memory. They may not have memorized a ton of bible verses yet but little by little, we are building upon their knowledge. Our hope is that this will give them a storehouse of truth to refer to as they grow and mature.

Your word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against You. (Psalms 119:11 NASB)

How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word. (Psalms 119:9 NASB)

Excellent Insights

September 27, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 3 Comments

I received this in my mail today! Thank you Charisse for summarizing the insights in each of the books you read. These are great reads! I hope other parents will be able to take something they can apply in their own families…

1. WHY DADDIES MATTER
Bringing Up Girls, Dr. James Dobson

Girls with good fathers are less likely to seek male attention by flaunting themselves.

Girls who live with their mothers and fathers (as opposed to mothers only) have significantly fewer growth and developmental delays, and fewer learning disorders, emotional disabilities and behavioral problems.

Girls whose fathers provide warmth and control achieve greater academic success.

Girls who are close to their fathers exhibit less anxiety and withdrawal behaviors.

Parental connectedness is the number one factor in preventing girls from engaging in premarital sex and indulging in drugs and alcohol.

Daughters who believe that their fathers care about them have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and unhealthy weight.

Girls with involved fathers are twice as likely to stay in school.

Girls with fathers or father figures feel more protected, are more likely to attempt college, and are less likely to drop out of college.

Girls whose parents divorce or separate before they turn twenty-one tend to have shorter life spans by four years.

Girls who live with their mothers only have significantly less ability to control impulses and delay gratification and have a weaker sense of conscience about right and wrong.

Both boys and girls do better academically if their fathers establish rules and exhibit affection.

2. DISCIPLINE OF NURTURING
Disciplines of a Godly Woman, Barbara Hughes

“Mothers are in the divinely given position to model for their girls the value and richness of the nurturer’s role. One of my most treasured memories is of a day shortly after the birth of my youngest brother. My mother had worked outside the home – by necessity. So for me, coming home from school usually meant entering an empty house with breakfast dishes waiting to be washed and no aroma of the dinner to come. But on this day, I heard my mother’s voice as I approached the front door. She was singing a lullaby. The house was bright and tidy and redolent with wonderful aromas from the kitchen. Mother was rocking my baby brother. She looked happier than I have ever seen her. From that moment, I knew that there was no place on earth my mother would rather be that at home caring for us. Ofcourse, she had no choice; she worked outside the home until she was 65old. ..Her attitude was so utterly powerful. It has marked me for life.”

3. SIGNS OF AN “UNSAVED” REBELLIOUS KID
Why Christian Kids Rebel, Dr. Tim Kennel

(Dr. Kennel speaking) What would be the signs that your child may not actually be a rebellious “Christian” kid but rather an “unsaved” rebellious kid?

Let me give you a simple litmus test:

· Does he show any remorse when he does things that break God’s heart?
· Does she have an inclination toward God’s Word, and is she convicted by it when exposed to it?
· Does he long for and enjoy fellowship with other followers of Christ?
· Does he want to use his spiritual gifts to strengthen the church and reach out to lost people?
· Is she sensitive to the lost condition of the people she encounters at school and work?

4. GOAL SETTING TOPICS
Faith-Based Family Finances, Ron Blue and Jeremy White, CPA
(Focus on the Family)

SAVING GOALS
How much do we need?
How often should we save? Weekly? Monthly?
Why? What are we saving for?

DEBT GOALS
How much is okay?
Should we avoid it altogether?
Should we get out of it?

LIFESTYLE GOALS
What should we allocate for entertainment?
How often will be we eat out?
How much will we spend on clothing?

EDUCATION GOALS FOR CHILDREN OR SELF
Public, private or homeschooling?
College? University?
Trade School?

VACATION GOALS
How many this year?
Where to go?
With kids? Without?

INSURANCE GOALS
Life, home, health, auto, other?
How much do we need?
What kind of policy suits our needs?

GIVING GOALS
How much to give?
Where to give?
When to give? Weekly? Biweekly? Monthly?

TAX GOALS
Can we reduce our taxes?
How can we manage them?
Do we underwithhold? Overwhithhold?

FAMILY GOALS
Special needs for aging parents? family members with discabilities? A gifted child?
Family time: when?what?how?where?why?
One-on-one time with children?

MARRIAGE GOALS
Date nights?
Intimacy?
Communication needs?

CAREER GOALS
Starting a business?
Advancement?
Job satisfaction? Location?

CHILDREN
How many?
Spacing?
When to start a family?

HOUSEHOLD GOALS
When, where, and what kind of home to buy/rent?
Furniture needed?
Special needs: room for guests? Home office? Other?

INVESTMENT GOALS
Where to invest?
Why invest?
How much to invest?

(page 179) “You may be tempted to lower the amount you give. Don’t do it. If you are actively giving to a place of worship or ministry, you should not decrease your giving. For people of faith, giving should be the first-priority use of money. Giving recognizes God’s ownership of everything one has.”

5. SIGNS OF HUMILITY
An Anthology of Devotional Literature Compiled by Thomas Kepler

From the Writings of Jeremy Taylor (1613-1667)
1. The humble man trusts not to his own discretion, but in matter of concernment relies rather upon the judgment of his friends, counselors or spiritual guides.
2. He does not pertinaciously pursue the choice of his own will, but in all things lets God chose for him
3. He does not murmur against commands.
4. He patiently bears injuries.
5. He is meek and indifferent in all accidents and chances.
6. He is a great lover of good men, and a praiser of wise men, and a censurer of no man.
7. He is modest in speech, and reserved in his laughter.
8. He fears when he hears himself commended, lest God make another judgment concerning his actions than men do.
9. He gives no pert of saucy answers, when he is reproved, whether justly or unjustly.
10. He loves to sit down in private, and, if he may, he refuses the temptations of offices and new honours.
11. He is ready to good offices to the murderers of his fame, to his slanderers, back biters, and detracters, as Christ washed the feet of Judas
12. And is contended to be suspected of indiscretion, so before God he may be really innocent, and not offensive to his neighbor, nor wanting his just and prudent interest.

I Forgive You and Will You Forgive Me?

July 31, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 6 Comments

One of the habits I appreciated about the home I grew up in was the habit of unconditional forgiveness. My parents instilled in my siblings and I the concept of keeping short accounts with one another. Forgive with liberality. Forgive with grace. Do not hold grudges or harbor resentment. They modeled this by example.

I recall an instance when I had to make a big confession to my parents about how physical Edric and I had been while we were dating. We didn’t have sex but we did everything close to it. We really played with fire. As a result, I lived with a deep sense of shame and guilt. All the while, my parents did not suspect that Edric and I were struggling in this area.

Two years after we started dating, Edric and I mutually agreed to break up because we wanted to honor God. We believed that it would not be possible to discern God’s individual plan for our lives if we continued to play games with him, if we weren’t committed to purity by his standards. So we parted ways in the year 2000. It was a painful separation, especially since we both imagined getting married in the future. But being away from one another resulted in much spiritual fruit. Edric and I grew in intimacy with the Lord and we experienced how he directed the course of our future.

The next year, Edric asked for my hand in marriage. However, between the break-up and getting engaged, Edric and I made the decision to confess how we had struggled with physical purity in our relationship. It was awkward to do this because at the time, we were not dating. We weren’t even talking on a regular basis. Our break-up meant no communication while we spent time discerning God’s will. So I prayed that if God really wanted me to marry Edric, then one of the things he would do is meet with my parents and tell them about our impurity.

Whew. I didn’t know how this was going to happen. And my other prayer was, please help my parents to still accept and love Edric even after we confess everything.

I was kind of asking for a miracle. What father wouldn’t pull out a shotgun and chase an ex-boyfriend away after hearing something like that?! But I believed that God could redeem the whole situation and bring everything to the light in a way that would glorify him. More importantly, I wanted to be right with him, with my parents, with Edric. After all, how could I expect God to speak through my parents about whether Edric and I should get married in the future if they didn’t know the whole truth?

Well, one day, out of the blue, Edric called me and asked if he could meet with my parents. Whoa. This was it. This was going to be that dreadful encounter with the truth that I wanted to happen but was scared to confront at the same time.

The meeting pushed through over a dinner. It was embarrassing, healing, and life-changing. My parents teared and expressed grief over our choices, but they also extended forgiveness. Their response toward us was redemptive. We were given a new start, a clean slate. (Edric and I didn’t get back together until months later but that moment proved to be a key event in the events leading up to our engagement.)

I cut the details of that dinner short because I want to focus on how that event impacted me. Receiving unconditional forgiveness restored me spiritually. I felt like I could move on with my life without having to lug around a big metal ball of guilt. And the communication between my parents and I was repaired because I had asked for their forgiveness and admitted to my deceit. Of course, this meant I had to bear the consequences, too…like stricter accountability and earlier curfews.

(I found out later on that Edric had the same sort of talk with his parents. Both of us were convicted not to mislead our parents about what our relationship had been like.)

Being forgiven helped me to better understand the heart of God. And I must add that my dad did not chase Edric out of the house with a gun or machete. He and my mom counseled us and offered their godly wisdom on the matter.

Throughout their years of ministry, I also witnessed my parents forgive those who have insulted, threatened, accused, and criticized them. Although I was tempted, at times, to take offense on their behalf, their example of not retaliating in anger or holding on to resentment convicted me. They forgave people whether or not an apology was given. And they moved towards them in love by being willing to see their perspective, saying sorry for making mistakes, and choosing not to let hurt build up like a wedge between them.

This too taught me that forgiveness is a choice. It’s not dependent on a person’s apology. It is within our power to say, “I will forgive you,” even before they ask for forgiveness. We can do this because God has freely forgiven us through Jesus Christ, his son.

Hebrews 4:14-16, “Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

If I had not grown up in a home where forgiveness was given with liberality, it would be difficult for me to understand the grace of God. But seeing unconditional forgiveness modeled by my parents made me want to practice the same thing with Edric, my own kids, and with others.

Furthermore, the Bible tells us, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14

This passage tells us that those who bestow grace receive grace. I also believe that those who have experienced God’s forgiveness and encountered his grace will be motivated to forgive others. They will not withhold forgiveness.

My children are still young but they need to experience grace. So when they come to me with their offenses and say, “Mom, will you forgive me?” I readily forgive them. I tell them, “Of course I forgive you. I will always forgive you, no matter what.”

Does this make them think, Yeah, I can keep doing wrong things because mom will always forgive me… Of course not. It encourages them to do what is right the next time. Because my children have a relationship with God, they want to obey and honor Edric and I. Yet the reality is they make mistakes, just like we do. So Edric and I help to repair what is broken in them – their relationship with one another, with us, with others, with God. Forgiveness motivates them to turn away from sin and pursue righteousness.

One morning, I heard Edan encouraging his younger brother, Titus, to approach me for forgiveness. He encouraged Titus by saying, “Just say sorry to mommy and ask for her forgiveness. She will forgive you no matter what. She will always forgive you.” I can’t even remember what Titus was sorry for but I remembered Edan’s perspective on the situation. I’m glad he had the confidence to say this to Titus.

But Edric and I can’t just model forgiveness, we need to model asking for forgiveness, too. Just this morning, Edric asked Elijah to forgive him for being impatient because he got snappy while they were playing a strategy game. At the breakfast table, Elijah expressed how he appreciated that Edric said sorry for that incident because he felt badly about it.

My prayer is that Edric and I will continue to cultivate unconditional forgiveness in our home. Whether it is forgiving our children or asking for forgiveness from one another, I hope that this reassures our children that they can be honest about their failures with us. I hope that this will keep their hearts tender and give them the courage to ask for forgiveness and not cling on to sin as they grow older. More importantly, I hope they will realize that they have a heavenly father who loves them so much. They can come before him with their weaknesses and imperfections. He will not only restore them, he will give them the power to overcome sin and live a life that is pleasing to him.

For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You. Psalm 86:5

I have this book that I’ve read to the kids called First Virtues for Toddlers by Dr. Mary Manz Simon, and one of the poems in it is about forgiveness. It is such a simple poem but with profound meaning and opportunity for application, especially for young children:

Tiger, Tiger share today, what the Bible has to say…

To forgive means move on past. Don’t let angry feelings last.

If a friend steps on my toe, I will pardon her, you know.

When someone won’t share a toy, I forgive that girl or boy.

Then we have a brand new start. I feel kindness in my heart.

“I forgive,” are words I say almost every single day.

If a friend does not play fair, I forgive to show I care.

God forgives, so I can, too. That is what I try to do.

“I forgive,” God says to you. Are those words that you say, too?

A Father’s Arena

June 19, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza Leave a Comment

Between Edric and I, I tend to be the more protective one with the kids. It is probably because I am a mom. Aside from wanting the boys to stay clean and sanitary, which is often impossible, I can be concerned about their physical safety…sometimes to a fault. They are boys after all. I have definitely relaxed over the years and now I notice how younger moms tend to be more obsessive than I am. But compared to Edric, I am still the more cautious one.

I am especially concerned about them when they are in a swimming pool. First of all, I have my own issues about drowning…my worst fear. Second, I find Edric’s teaching style, as swimming coach to the kids, a little bit unnerving. I mean this in the sense that he will push them to go outside of their comfort zone so they develop water confidence.

Sunday afternoon while I observed Edric instruct Titus, I was tempted to interrupt their session. Titus was gulping quite a bit of water and tearing as Edric taught him to swim a significant distance without assistance. As I was swimming past them doing my own laps, I reached out to grab Titus. However, Edric motioned for me to go away and to let Titus be. So I trusted him and resisted the urge to protect Titus and cater to his feelings. Sure enough, by the end of their “lesson”, Titus swam across the width of the pool without holding on to anyone.

Edric and I agree on the fundamentals and goals of our parenting, which is such a blessing, but we do have masculine and feminine perspectives that impact our approaches. Edric is able to encourage our sons’ masculine traits — bravery, perseverance, toughness, chivalry, and the like in a way that I can’t.

I remember a comment a soccer coach said about some of the homeschoolers he had to train. Unfortunately, it wasn’t positive. He shared that they seemed to be overprotected. When they felt tired or fell down, they would run to their moms, dads, or yayas who were sitting on the sidelines. He didn’t like this because he was trying to toughen them up and teach them how to resist giving in to discomfort. This made me consider my own cautiousness with my kids.

There is a place for nurturing, encouragement, and affirmation, but I have to know when it’s overkill and when it is appropriate. I have to consider what the character objective is and whether my interference will help or negate what ought to be accomplished in the hearts of my kids.

We just came back from Singapore and once again, Edric took over the training aspect for our sons. I was in charge of Tiana and he made sure the boys were disciplined and followed instructions. Whew. I praise God, too. They were very attentive to his leading. I could stroll along as we went from one activity to another. All I had to worry about was our little Tiana.

Edric used this vacation time to mentor our sons once again. He had them each carry a backpack and asked them to be responsible for their belongings and for one another. And he added teaching moments to instill character traits.

For example, since he knew that Titus was struggling with confidence in the water, he wanted to demonstrated courage. When we were at the Science Center, Edric volunteered to step inside a chamber which was zapped by electricity from a Tesla Coil. Of course it was safe but to young children, it looked like he was stepping into a dangerous situation. The kids were nervous about him doing it, but at the same time, they were proud of their dad. Afterwards, he talked about what it means to be brave and related it to their own experiences.

Edric and I share a dynamic as parents that God designed to be complimentary. There are roles we fill in that enable us to raise our kids as a team. I have to make sure I am aligned with what Edric wants the kids to do in a particular situation and avoid contradicting his approach (especially when he is not around which can be confusing for the children.)

I didn’t know what to do when I felt stressed about Edric’s swim lesson with Titus that Sunday afternoon. I wanted to step in and assert my mom instincts. However I was reminded to trust Edric’s leadership. He loves our kids and will not willfully harm them. And when I am not sure which hat to wear as a mom, I go back to what I do know. In that situation it was about supporting my husband who was trying to accomplish, not just a skill, but a character goal.

That same day I watched Elijah and Edan, who used to be afraid of the water, jump around everywhere in the deep pool while playing the game sharks and minnows with Edric. They were swimming with ease. In the near future Titus will probably be doing the same thing…especially if I sit back, relax, let Titus “rise to the occasion” as Edric puts it, and step outside of Edric’s arena so he can better mentor our sons to become men.

In the Garbage

June 12, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 10 Comments

My younger brother, Paul, told a hilarious story about losing his son’s mouth expander and having to hunt through restaurant garbage to find it. I thought the experience had some wonderful spiritual insights to it that I couldn’t resist writing about.

Caleb, my 7 year old nephew, has an expander which his dentist customized for him to give more room for his teeth to come in. For many months, Caleb has been very responsible about his retainer. It has been misplaced but it has never been lost for good, which is quite amazing considering that he has to remove it every time he eats.

During lunch at Brasas in Podium last Sunday, Caleb asked his dad (my brother, Paul) to hold on to his expander while he ate. Paul wrapped it in a tissue and set it aside. It wasn’t until about 4 PM, when my brother’s family was long gone from Podium, that Caleb realized he wasn’t wearing his expander. We had dinner with my parents and Paul requested that the family pray he could find it. The most logical place it would have ended up in was Brasas’ trash. Oh my.

Paul was determined to find it. He knew how important it was to Caleb that he recover the expander, especially since Caleb had entrusted it to him. So off to Podium Paul went that night. Brasas was packed. (It is a great restaurant. We all love it.) Paul asked Brasas’ management if he could go through their trash. I don’t know what they must have been thinking but they agreed, and my brother wouldn’t have taken no for an answer anyway. It would have been very unappetizing to the restaurant guests if he had sorted through the trash there, so he asked Brasas where they usually took their trash. They told him, “Basement 1.”

Dragging three large garbage bags from the restaurant into the service elevator, Paul went to basement 1 to look for the garbage room. The security personnel in the elevator curiously eyed him because it was such a bizarre scene. But my brother was a man on a mission. He really didn’t care what anyone thought.

He found the garbage room, laid out the garbage bags and started sorting through the trash. Logically, he thought of going through the earliest bag that was packed that day since he was one of the first customers. Feeling and squeezing through each discarded tissue he found, he prayed that God would help him.

As he was going through trash bag # 1, he noticed a man come into the garbage room. The man noticed him, too. He kind of looked my brother up and down like, Who are you? What are you doing here? This is weird!

Paul struck up a conversation with him to break the awkward silence. “So what do you do?” he asked casually. The guy said, “I’m the garbage man.” (translated)

“For how long?”

“Just a month because the other guy left.”

Paul was still intensely rummaging through the trash, explaining to the guy that he was looking for his son’s teeth expander. The guy was like, “Is there gold on it?” He was serious! He probably thought Paul was too concerned about his hunt to be searching for anything else! I mean what kind of person spends an evening in the garbage room of a mall unless he is hired to do so?!

The conversation shifted to spiritual matters and Paul talked to the guy about Jesus. He also added, “I believe he (Jesus) will help me find the expander.” And guess what? He did! At the bottom of the first bag, he saw the expander wrapped in the same tissue he had put it in earlier.

I thought it was a crazy story. As we were discussing it today and laughing in between scenes, my dad said it was a great illustration for the biblical stories of “the lost coin and the lost sheep.”

In the Bible, Jesus gave three parables to explain the love of God — the lost sheep, the lost coin and the prodigal son. The first two illustrate the relentless pursuit of something that was lost and the rejoicing that follows when that something is found. What is the worth of a single coin or a sheep among many? Are these things really worth the trouble and sacrifice of the search? As my brother narrated his story, I thought, “Would I have gone through all that to find an expander?!”

Honestly, I would’ve been embarrassed to even ask for the trash bags! And I would not have been able to stomach the ordeal of touching discarded food without gloves on. Paul was persistent in a way that I would not have been. Nothing was going to stop him from accomplishing the goal of finding that expander. His persistence was a great example of how God loves us.

The Bible uses the coin and sheep stories to convey a truth about who God is. Every lost person matters to the Lord. He looks for us. He seeks us out. He is absolutely committed to pursuing us.

Did my brother stick the expander back into his son’s mouth after he took it out of the trash? No way. My sister in law, Jenny, did a major disinfection ceremony to clean it thoroughly. Only then was it ready to be put back inside Caleb’s mouth. Similarly, when God finds us, we must be cleansed by him, purified by his Son, Jesus, to fulfill our original design. We have to leave life in the trash — the trash of sin.

Sometimes we like to stay buried in the “garbage.” Or we don’t even realize what kind of mucky predicament we are in. We are discarded, forgotten, left alone. But God will seek us out to save us and restore us for his greater purpose and plan. He will reach down into the mire to pull us up and out of the lesser life we are so wrapped up in to give us the abundant life he promises.

My brother was ecstatic when he found what he was looking for. It didn’t matter to him that it was among all the spit, saliva, bacteria, left-over and decomposing food. He was thrilled to be reunited with the lost expander.

God is the same way toward us. He is a father whose heart is turned toward us. He is for us. He treasures us. He rejoices over us when we are found!

“When he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” (Luke 15:5-7 NASB)

Are we enjoying his presence, celebrating new life or still stuck in the garbage?