Strawberry Yoghurt

May 24, 2013 By Leave a Comment

While I struggled with my miserable cold two nights ago, trying to rest in the room alone, a commotion in the kitchen woke me up. With a raised and agitated tone, Titus said, “I don’t want that!” This wasn’t the sound of my usually sweet and happy Titus.


I would have preferred to remain in my rested state and ignore the situation. But I could not willfully do so. Titus had lost his temper. There was an issue that needed to be dealt with. Intervention was in order. So I got up and called him out of the kitchen to talk about what happened.

Apparently, he wanted a strawberry yoghurt drink that had ended up in the hands of Edan. He was offered an orange flavored one by our househelp, Joan, which upset him. Edan, on the other hand, was apathetically sipping the last few drops of the coveted yoghurt drink. Titus looked on with quiet anger, convinced that he had been done a great injustice.

Taking Titus aside, I tried to understand where he was coming from. But my attempt to have a dialogue with him as his two older brothers curiously stood on the sidelines and his youngest sister called out, “Titus is going to get a spanking!” was counterproductive. So I brought Titus to my bedroom.

He thought he was going to get a spanking but my intent was to get to the root of the issue. This was not something that could be solved with a spanking. There was a much deeper problem here. Titus’ spirit was not right. There was hardness and frustration.

He stood in front of me while I sat across from him. We engaged in a conversation that involved me explaining to him why his attitude was wrong, why shouting was not okay, and how he needed to learn to share. His part was to acknowledge and respond in repentance. Did it work? Maybe a little. But I could sense that his compliance was external. It was void of real conviction.

So I called him to my side, hugged him really tightly and said, “Titus, I love you no matter what.” I assured him that I was after his greater good. His countenance softened and he started to tear. All my lecturing had not produced this sort of heart-felt response. It was not until I took him in my arms and held him that I could sense a motivation to change his attitude.

With my arms around him, I went on, “Because I love you, I want to teach you to do what pleases God.” Appealing to his own love for Christ, I reminded him that getting angry and being selfish were wrong behaviors because Jesus didn’t want him to do those things. I asked him what he thought would make Jesus happy and he acknowledged that he had to learn “to share, to say sorry, and that he shouldn’t get angry.” When I was convinced that he sincerely meant this, I let him go back to the kitchen to say sorry to those whom he had hurt.

He walked up to Edan and Joan to ask for forgiveness. There was humility in his tone and disposition, and he bounced back to his smiley, cheerful self. I affirmed him for doing what was right and I peacefully went back to my bedroom to go back to sleep. Strawberry yoghurt training case closed.

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Training is such a challenge. First, it takes commitment. Second, it must be personalized. Third, it must be purposeful — the pursuit of Christlikeness. Fourth, it must be cradled by love.

Sometimes, I am tempted to short cut the training part and make behavior the priority. But fruitful discipline and training must seek to restore our children’s hearts to us and to the Lord. It must heal what is broken inside them and be redemptive, effecting much more than behavioral change.

If we want real fruit in our children, we must consider these heart questions: Do our children know that we love them? Are they absolutely convinced that we want what is best for them? Do they love Jesus? Do they know that he loves them?

1 Corinthians 13:8 says that love never fails. When I think of that statement, I think of how it can be applied to training our children.

Love does not fail to motivate or inspire change. When our children are convinced that they are loved and accepted, flaws and all, they respond to our teaching. More importantly, when they love Jesus with all that they are, they desire to please him and live for him.

It’s like Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.”(John 14:15 NASB)

Titus painted this earlier on in the day and I thought it was a great reminder that our children give us their hearts to handle with care. What are their hearts telling us about their spiritual condition? What are we doing about it?

A Beautifully Untouchable Space

May 21, 2013 By 5 Comments

When Edric and I have date night on Mondays our favorite places to go to are quiet and crowd-less, where we can talk. Sometimes we will throw in a good movie at the theater but we definitely want to sit down and connect.

We checked out SM Aura last night but it was swarming with people. Well, swarming by our standards. Usually, we enter a mall on a Monday night and it’s like having the place to our selves (almost). Aura is going to be a fun mall to shop in when all the stores are open, but for now, people are flocking to it out of curiosity. Lots of people traffic. We were there for 20 minutes until we realized it wasn’t going to be conducive to conversing on any sort of private level. So we got out of there as quickly as possible and went to a place called Casa Marcos.

Aside from a mom and her son, we were the only other customers. That was more like it. Tucked away in a corner, we ordered Paella Valencia, a salad, and gambas.  The salad was so-so but the Paella and shrimp were fantastic. I wasn’t hungry but I probably ate two pounds worth of food. I’m sure the baby was thrilled!

These date nights have been a significant part of our marriage. Parenting four children can blur the borderlines of our identity as a couple. Plus, our schedules tend to get pretty hectic so we need to get away at least once a week to be together.

Even though Edric and I interact with one another daily, the “how was your day?” and chit-chatting isn’t enough. At home, the kids are all vying for attention. Cell phones, gadgets, and social media are a distraction. And pragmatic concerns are top of mind. So we have to escape from all of that.

On our way to Casa Marcos, I actually made the mistake of asking Edric if I could call the kids and tell them where we were going to have dinner. He turned to me and was like, “Are you serious? No. You don’t need to call the kids. This is you and me time.” Of course, he was right.

This time is supposed to be “sacred.” There can be 10 million things going on in our lives but when we choose to be fully present for one another, communication magic happens. We listen, exchange ideas, share our longings, fears, dreams, and confess (if necessary) anything that might be a threat to our relationship or to our walk with the Lord. There is vulnerability and accountability, a lot of laughter…hallmarks of oneness and connectedness – intimacy.

I praise God that there is nothing I can’t talk to Edric about and he would say the same. There are certain issues that I may bring to the Lord first but I have no dark secrets or untouchable compartments in my person that are off-limits to Edric. He has free access. Similarly, there is no hiding or pretense on his part.

Last night, over Paella, shrimp, and salad, we discussed some very important issues that were weighing heavily upon Edric. Of all the people in the world, he knows that his feelings are safe with me. Over the years, I’ve also learned to see where he is coming from first and pray for him quietly in my heart, even when I’m itching to make comments like, “You should do this…” Or, “You should change your perspective…”

As a wife, I may not be able to solve Edric’s problems or win his battles for him. Honestly, there are occasions when I don’t know how to encourage him or what to say to make him feel better. But, he has more than once told me that all he needs from me is to listen, pray for him, and focus on my role as a wife.

Every married couple needs to cultivate habits that foster intimacy. The reality is all marriages are at risk. It doesn’t matter how many years a couple is married or what stage their marriage is in. The evil one is hell-bent on destroying families and will target a husband and wife – the nuclear relationship. If he can tear that apart then he gets the family, too.

For Edric and I, having a weekly date night has been a way to counteract his attempts to keep us too busy and too preoccupied with parenting, ministry, and work to pay attention to our relationship. The kids have learned not to dissuade us from going out, too. Occasionally, they will make comments about how sad they feel when we are gone, but they have learned to cooperate with us. On weeks when we can’t have date night but want to be alone in our room, they will respect that. When we tell them that our relationship as husband and wife is a priority, they understand. And, they are happier children because of it. They reap the benefits!

Someday, I hope this habit of preserving a beautifully untouchable space in the week like date night will leave an imprint in their minds, an example they can pass on to their own children. It’s not so much the date itself but the act of giving one’s spouse the time and attention they need to feel loved and important…making the effort to build intimacy.

 

 

 

 

 

A Romantic Proposition

May 13, 2013 By 2 Comments


Edric has always been such a romantic. He doesn’t forget an occasion, be it our anniversary, valentines, Mother’s Day, my birthday, etc. Despite his busy schedule, he will find time to surprise me. It’s not always a costly gift, monetarily speaking, but it is something thoughtful and personal. He knows I don’t like generic gestures like flowers and chocolates, so he makes the effort to be creative.

Last year, he collected encouraging letters from friends and family for my birthday. On one occasion, he and the boys did a music video. Another time he got a bunch of artists together to do a portrait of me. Some years ago he cooked me a full course meal and even bought a chef’s hat to wear (he does not cook at all!). After I gave birth to Tiana, he booked a room for us at Shang-rila and we went to the spa at the hotel so I could relax. He thought I needed a break.

I also remember an instance when he and Elijah tried to make a New York cheesecake for me. He and the kids went to the grocery to pick out ingredients and he had no idea what to look for. In fact, he had to keep asking me questions like,”Where would I find something like cream cheese?” When he and the kids got home I caught them crushing graham crackers all over the dining table. The crumbs were flying everywhere but I thought it was the sweetest mess I had ever seen.

One of my more favorite presents was a laminated card that he made which he said entitled me to 10 special privileges. Any time I pulled out that card, I could claim a privilege. Things like…him paying for my credit card bill without being irritated even if I overspent. (I didn’t abuse this one.)

Yesterday, for Mother’s Day, he had the kids write me letters. The theme was, “How do I love thee, let me count the ways…” The older boys wrote out words using the alphabet as an acrostic. When I woke up they all climbed into our bed to greet me and they handed me their letters. What a treat! The most priceless gifts that I have received from Edric and the kids have been these sort of thoughtful gifts.

He told me that since he didn’t have work on Monday, he would do something special for me because we celebrated Mother’s Day with his family and mine on Sunday. Well, this morning when I woke up, I was surprised to find Edric playing on a PS3 console he borrowed from my brother. I felt badly because he was completely engrossed and preoccupied with the game when he had originally said to me, “Today will be your day because I am free.”

Instead, he was caught up in his own world and oblivious to everyone around him. He did not even wait for me to have breakfast with him which he usually insists on.

Well, I did not make a big deal out of it. I ate breakfast, read my Bible then took a nap because I didn’t sleep too well last night. Instead of nagging Edric, I just prayed that God would convict him.

After my nap, which really did not count because I had two boys playing on their violins in the same room and two other kids asking me questions like I was not asleep, I went to the refrigerator to snack on 5 prunes. Edric was still on the couch. He saw me go to the kitchen.

I did not want to be a pestering wife, so I just went back to the bedroom. Edric followed soon after and asked me what I wanted to do today. “Oh, I thought you had something planned…” He wondered if i was mad at him and I replied, “No, I am not mad. I am just surprised that you started the day off by playing on the PS3 when you said that you had something planned for today. But you can do whatever you want to do. It’s your choice.” I didn’t say it like I was angry but I didn’t say it with a big grin either!

A while later, he asked if he could talk to me. Hmm…I knew this was going to be a profound conversation because he wanted me to drop everything else. I lay down on the bed beside him and he held my face as he said, “I was convicted to return the console. It’s not good for me. I have addictive tendencies. And I just want you to know that I love you. That will be my Mother’s Day gift to you.” I started to tear a little because of pregnancy hormones again, but this is the real reason why…

Edric immensely enjoys playing NBA 2K13 on the PS3. It’s the only game he likes to play and he wanted to practice for a tournament he is having with some guys friends. But he got rid of his own PS3 a long time ago so getting to borrow my brother’s was exciting for him. Instead of going over to someone else’s house to practice, it was now accessible to him. He planned to return it after May 17, when their tournament was over. I had my own thoughts about this but I didn’t want to burst his bubble.

This morning, when he told me that he was giving back the console, I knew that it was hard for him to make that decision. It wasn’t a life and death matter but it was an activity that brought him delight and joy, and yet, he felt like it wasn’t profitable for his soul or our family to have it around the house. Our kids don’t play on consoles so it is not a family value or culture that we have encouraged either.

Personally, I feel there is nothing more romantic than Edric having his priorities in order — his own spiritual health, the kids and I. That’s what matters to me. When he has the right priorities, he is sweet, tender, and thoughtful. He puts the concerns of others above his own. So I thought that giving up the PS3 today as a Mother’s Day gift was a very romantic proposition!

If you are reading this because your wife handed this article to you (sorry about that, some readers confess to me that they do this sort of thing), well just hear me out for a bit. In marriage, it is easy to get complacent about the romance. But the reality is a wife’s needs pretty much stay the same. We all have a basic and predictable need. We like to feel special, cherished and appreciated by our husbands. It’s the way we are wired. Much of our security is tied up to the way our husbands treat us. Of course, ultimately the Lord should be our sense of security, but God also commanded husbands to love their wives for a reason. It’s important!

Just because a man has put a ring on a woman’s finger does not mean his “job” is over. This is when the real work of nurturing a wife actually begins.

The Bible says, so husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, (Ephesians 5:28, 29 NASB)

If you feel like your husband isn’t very nourishing or cherishing, don’t loose heart and please don’t nag him about it. This is a conviction that God has to put in his heart. Don’t contrive to do so yourself or it will backfire. Trust me, I have tried that approach and it doesn’t work. But prayer and waiting on the Lord does! (And doing your part to fulfill your own role.)

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

May 11, 2013 By 5 Comments

 

As a mother I often feel that I am a composite of the women in my life — the grandmothers, mothers, sisters, friends, and role models who have made an indelible impact in the blueprint of who I am. Some have wounded me, but others have healed me. Some have disappointed me, but others have inspired me. Some have rejected me, but others have loved me.

Whether an inspiring ideal of inward and outward beauty or a glimpse of undesirable selfishness, each woman that I have known has passed on an invaluable life lesson that has shaped my understanding of what it means to mother a child, to raise one and let them go. I am not the sum of them all but they are most certainly a part of who I have become. And I owe a great deal of gratitude to these women who, at different points in my personal journey into motherhood, have been a companion, an example to follow (or sometimes avoid), an encourager, a confidant, a resonant soul.

Yet, of all the women that have intersected the timeline of my life, I am most thankful to the Lord for my mom. She did not meet me at an intersection or crossroad. She was there from the beginning, from inception, when I was fragile and nameless in the womb.

I have always felt her love. She has loved me through every season…loved me to Jesus…loved me for my greater good.

When I was in high school and college, I made some wrong choices. But mom did not go ballistic. She continued to disciple me, helping me think through my decisions and actions in light of my relationship with the Lord. Her manner of mentoring was not judgmental or overbearing. She knew how to address heart issues and pray for me. Always ready to listen, comfort, affirm, and gently correct me, she was my best resource for biblical advice and counsel. Eventually, I recommitted my life to Christ and became serious about following him, and she played a big role in helping me get to that point.

We remain incredibly close. It was easy to cultivate a relationship with mom because she was around and present. We spent a lot of time together…morning walks, cooking and baking in the kitchen, going to the market and grocery, homeschooling, shopping, serving the Lord together…talking about stories, perspectives, insights, and dreams.

Yesterday, I held my daughter, Tiana, in my arms because she was crying. Whispering into her ear, I tenderly said, “Mommy is here.” Tiana calmed down and snuggled up against me. And for a moment, I remembered the way my mom held me, not as a little girl but as a teenager, the night I was raped. (Whoa, for those of you who haven’t been following this blog, this might sound shocking. Read this post if you have no idea what I’m talking about: A Story Worth Sharing.)

I was lying on the bed crying. I really didn’t know how to feel. Mom put her arms around me like she would have a baby. And she stayed beside me quiet and still, also crying. She really didn’t have to say anything. I knew that she wanted me to know she was there for me. Eventually I fell asleep and mom was still there the next morning. I will never forget that.

Up till this day, I can call her or visit her and know with absolute certainty that I am a welcome interruption. I’ve never felt like I was a burden to her. In fact, she often tells me that she enjoys being with me and has so much fun when we are together. I feel the same way.

Beyond her love and presence, I am most grateful for the godly legacy she passed on to me. Both my parents were intentional about parenting my siblings and I. They introduced us to Jesus and taught us what it means to follow him. My dad was the spiritual leader of our home and he had great impact on our understanding of who God is. My mom, on the other hand, provided a daily example of sacrifice, kindness, goodness, joy, peace, and faith. I grew up with her as a reference point for motherhood and I wanted to be like her.

My mom is blonde-haired and blue-eyed. Physically, we do not look alike. We never will. My blonde sisters-in-law look more like her biological daughters than I do. However, people have often said that I talk and act the way she does. And that is a great compliment! If there is any woman in the world whose character I would like to be associated with, it is my mom’s. If there is any woman in the world I admire most, it is my mom.

I admire her for being a spirit-filled, godly woman who loves God with all her heart. I admire her for raising five children and making it look so easy. I admire her for being a homemaker who put the happy in our home. I admire her for being present during every important milestone of my life and my sibling’s. I admire her for not going crazy when she homeschooled all of us. I admire her for being attentive and discerning about our weaknesses and areas of need so she could encourage us toward righteousness and pray for us. And I admire her for loving us inexhaustibly and unconditionally through the years without expecting or demanding compensation for her many acts of selflessness. She is, as Proverbs 31 puts it, a woman who excels them all!

Happy Mother’s Day to you, mom! I praise God for you!

Proverbs 31:28 “Her children rise up and bless her…”

 

 

 

 

 

Beware, Divider on the Prowl!

May 6, 2013 By 9 Comments

Sometimes, when Edric and I are about to minister through speaking, we come under fire. We have these irrational discussions that lead to conflict, causing division between us.

Important question:How can we possibly bless people and honor God when our hearts are not aligned, not one in Christ’s love?

Saturday morning, on our way to speak at a road show for homeschooling in Cavite, I had an issue with Edric. It started off as really petty.

First, I was upset at him for insisting that the name of our daughter-to-be needed to have the letters “E” or “J.” I didn’t need to react. But he and I are very different about this. He thinks that all our kids should have similar starting letters. I am of the mindset that this is a very confining way to select names. What if you find a name that you really like and it doesn’t start with an E, J, or T? What then? Well, we have had this discussion with every baby.

When the name picking debate came up again, I shouldn’t have gotten worked up but I commented, “This is sort of cultish, hon. I don’t see why we have to use E and J? I’m the one carrying the baby here, don’t I have a say on this?” And I walked into our van without waiting for a response. I admit that I was unraveling emotionally over something that really wasn’t that big a deal.

The second thing that happened was in Mc Donald’s. I ordered breakfast for 9 people, including the driver and yayas. Edric and the kids sat around waiting for their breakfast, which was fine because Edric usually delegates these things to me. However, after spending all that time figuring out what to order and bringing the food over to the family (the yayas did help me), I sat down to this… “Is this it? Where’s my jam? Where’s my ketchup? I need water. I need a spoon and fork.” Edric just went on and on about things that he still needed.

I retorted, “Why don’t you help yourself? I just sat down after getting everybody food. Can I rest for a bit?” He didn’t like this of course. My tone was slightly spiteful and he felt like I didn’t want to serve him. Honestly, I didn’t! I felt like he was being insensitive and self-focused (very judgmental of me). It bothered me that he sat there, all king-like, while me, the pregnant one, had to go and do everything.

Wow, I have been on a roll with my bad attitude lately! These girl hormones are powerful! That’s a lame excuse. It’s called being under spiritual attack. This past week we have been speaking almost every other day. I’ve been tired and I have missed out on my regular quiet time with the Lord.

Well, I am sharing this because I think it is very important to recognize whom the real enemy is. I will get to that…

Edric said to me, “You need to check your heart. When you are ready to talk to me, let’s talk.”

I was quiet. I looked out the window of Mc Donald’s at nothing…cars parked in a row, tires, the plates, the sky. I needed a focal point other than Edric’s face because I felt guilty. In the meantime, I drank his hot chocolate. He didn’t seem to want it anyway.

Sitting opposite of me, Edric was quiet, too. At the back of my head I was concerned. I knew that we were about to talk about home schooling to a group of parents. How could we stand in front of them with integrity?

I praise God for my husband who is truly a spiritual leader to me. Edric went to the restroom, came back, and leaned over to me saying something like this, “Hon, I think we need to recognize that we aren’t each other’s enemies right now. You are not my enemy and I am not your enemy. We are about to do ministry. The devil doesn’t want us to be united.”

His manner softened and he looked at me with a disarming smile. He was right. I started to smile, too. I said sorry and asked for his forgiveness. Immediately after, it was like a devilish spell was broken!

Satan is a divider. He is always after marriages and families, seeking to cause dissension, attempting to use whomever he can as the weak link, the entry point. On Saturday morning, that was me! I was the chink in our marital armor. I was allowing the evil one to influence my thoughts and actions.

However, as soon as Edric and I recognized that he was trying to cause division between us, the oppression stopped. We yielded ourselves to the Lord once again.

In the car, with the kids, we prayed for the event we were about to go to. We came into the morning’s activities as a team, ready to serve the Lord and others, and not hiding some deep seated irritation or anger that could block the Holy Spirit’s power in our lives.


And amazingly, in the afternoon, we revisited the baby name issue and Edric’s opinion on “E” and “J” changed! I expressed by disgruntled-ness with a lot more calm and he realized it was stressing me out. So he suggested that I go ahead and pick out names without worrying about first initials and then we would take it from there. Yeah!

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Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. (James 4:7, 8 NASB)

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8 NASB)

My Out-of-the-Box Child

May 4, 2013 By 2 Comments

I’ve said it before that Titus often fascinates me because he is such an out-of-the-box thinker and he has learned many things on his own.

One afternoon he was counting aloud by 10s (something I had not taught him). He counted all the way up to 100. I turned over to him and said, “Where did you learn that? Who taught you that?” His Jedi-like reply was, “I know many things, mom.”

At this statement I started laughing really hard. He meant it with all sincerity. I followed up with, “Yes, but HOW did you learn to count by 10s?” Once again, I found it comedic when he said, “I think, mom! I just think!” It was almost like he was insulted that I questioned his ability to understand concepts on his own.

Recently, when my nieces, nephews and kids were doing a puppet show with my sister-in-law she asked everyone to make their puppets stand on their heads. Titus was the only one that thought of bending his puppet in half so that its feet touched its head…literally, standing on its head!

Because I haven’t spent too much time “teaching” him formally, I will have to give credit to John Holt’s idea that children are learning all the time. When they are not forced to learn too early, but provided with a stimulating, enriching environment in which to explore, create, build, invent, and discover, they educate themselves. Learning happens naturally and very often in the context of play. Titus certainly needs character training like my other children, but he has caught on just fine with the academics even without too much one-on-one instruction from me.

At four years old, he can read, comprehend, he is beginning to write better, he understands fundamental math concepts, and he is developing normally. He may not be as articulate as his older brothers were at his age, but he is a loving, happy, curious, and determined child…with a very positive opinion about himself. When I am teaching him, he will say, “This is sooo easy, mom!” And then he will start working and be like, “How do you do this again?”

I laugh alot with Titus. He has a unique perspective that I treasure as a mom. I appreciate that he doesn’t think linearly and that he pays attention to things that others might take forgranted.

One time he picked up a flattened fruit loop that was left on the floor of our condominium lobby. Everyone else thought it was dirty. But he picked it up and put it in his pocket. I didn’t realize this until we were in the car and he was cradling it in his hand. I told him he should throw it. After all, who knows where that fruit loop came from or who stepped on it? But he begged me to keep it.

Heck. Why not, I thought. If it matters that much to him and it isn’t a life and death issue, why can’t he be himself and keep it? He’s the only one who thought of doing so anyway and it’s important to him. So I told him he could and that made his day. A little fruit loop. I made him promise not to eat it and he didn’t.Whew!

Titus has stretched my parenting muscles a lot. I used to get really frustrated with him because he would take things apart, break his toys, color and draw in his books, tear out pages, peel the labels off things like crayons (he still does), hide objects under his bed like marbles and cereal, get himself into precarious predicaments, and bullheadedly insist on his way.

For example, when he was 8 months old, he weaned himself from breastfeeding. I was so upset and sad about it. None of my other children did this. I really wanted him to breastfeed for longer to keep bonding with him. But he insisted that he was ready to move on to the bottle. My fear was he would be deprived of affection because he was my third child. Without those bonding sessions, I didn’t get to hold him as often.

This was my first experience with Titus’ different way of doing things. Initially, I wanted to control him. I wanted to force him to breastfeed. But he ended up biting me! So that was it, I surrendered that stage over to the Lord. Crying and depressed, I accepted his decision to wean.

Such was the beginning of my parenting adventures with Titus. It took me a while to recognize that God designed Titus with a personality that was hand-picked by Him for a reason and purpose.

Titus turned out to be one my most affectionate children, my big hugger. In fact, he is such a touch person, he will randomly head butt people to get their attention! On certain mornings, he will crawl into bed beside me after he wakes up and let me drape my whole self around him like a pillow. He is the only one who will lie there contentedly and still. He won’t squirm away or complain that I am too heavy. And he will come up to me and randomly hug and kiss me during the day without being asked to. Who would ever have thought my earliest weaned baby would have become like this?

I love all my children equally but God taught me how to love my Titus. Through Titus, God has helped me to grow in character, especially in the area of patience!

His birthday is coming up in two days and I wanted to write this to celebrate the joy and color that he has brought into our lives. I could’ve missed out on appreciating him had I placed him in a mold of my own liking…to make my parenting “convenient.” But God made certain children out-of-the-box — children who make us see the world differently, who challenge the norm (in a good way), who keep us from getting complacent about our parenting, and who make us dependent upon the Lord for the creativity and wisdom we need to instruct them. Titus is special just the way he is and I hope that Edric and I can keep encouraging him to grow in the Lord and become the man that God wants him to be.

 

 

Helpmate Under Testing

May 2, 2013 By 2 Comments

Edric and I have been speaking at events a lot this past week. By the end of this week, we will have spoken at five. That’s a lot for me, especially since I prefer to be behind the scenes and not on stage. But when Edric asks me to tag-team with him, I do so because it is a privilege to minister for the Lord and second, Edric is my “boss” so I follow his leading on these things.

Our simple agreement is that he will inform me ahead of time so I can shuffle around my own commitments and prepare. I am not as comfortable about public speaking as Edric is. This is his area of gifting. Although Edric does due diligence in his preparation, I feel like I have to go the extra mile to prepare myself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am desperately dependent on the Lord to empower me.

Well, this past week, Edric sprung unexpected speaking engagements on me and I found myself annoyed. Instead of just three speaking engagements, he included me in two others. I wasn’t happy about it. I found myself grumbling inside, not thrilled to be doing ministry, and aggravated that I had to be flexible with MY schedule. But, the Lord reminded me that I am Edric’s helpmate so I ought to see it as a privilege to minister along side him, especially when he specifically requests me to. So, I moved some appointments around to accommodate his needs and that made him very pleased.

I passed that test, then came the next one…

Tuesday afternoon, he asked me to be ready by 12:30 pm so we could make it to a seminar he was going to give (which he invited me to share my testimony in, too). I was meeting with good friends over brunch so I lingered for a while longer with them. After all, my makeup was done and I just had to throw on my outfit, put on heels and I was good to go.

When Edric got home, he saw me chatting with my friends at the table and he walked off to the bedroom with hardly a greeting. I excused myself from the table, told my friends I had to get ready but they did not have to rush off, and I followed him. He asked where his lunch was, why it was not on the table, and why I had not yet ended my meeting. His tone was agitated.

I did not understand why he was being so reactive. Lunch was ready for him in the kitchen, my friends were about to go, and I could be out the door in 5 minutes. He felt disrespected that I had not followed exactly what he wanted. The issue didn’t have to do so much with my friends being around as it had to do with me not managing his expectations and prioritizing his needs.

My temptation was to get angry. I was bothered by his attitude because, in the first place, he had asked me to speak with him at the last minute. And I had other commitments that day. One of the commitments I had moved to prioritize him. I even cooked lunch for him earlier in the morning and laid it all out on a plate but he didn’t seem to appreciate that.

While I processed my thoughts quietly, I felt hurt. I felt hurt that he was so abrasive about something that didn’t even seem like a big deal. In fact, I thought he was being petty, picky, and slightly ridiculous. At this point, there was no time to go into a discussion because we had to get out of the house to make it to Rockwell.

Instead of getting all fired up, I prayed in the car but I did not talk much. He could sense that I was not okay. In fact, he actually apologized right before he was about to give his seminar. Edric said something like, “We have to be a team as we go up there or God cannot use us. Will you forgive me for my attitude?”  Of course I forgave him and I thought that was the end of it.

But that evening, Edric felt like we had to resolve what happened so he insisted that we talk about the incident again. Actually, he was waiting for me to apologize. My thinking was, what am I going to apologize for? I didn’t do anything wrong.

I explained to him that I thought he had been overreactive. He admitted that he had not been spirit-filled. But, in the attempt to make me understand where he was coming from, he used my dad as an example. I couldn’t believe it! Early on in our marriage, he and I had agreed not to use each other’s parents as a point of comparison. Sure, he was using my dad and not his, but still.

Second, the truth is my dad is very even keeled and he doesn’t sweat the small stuff. So he wouldn’t have reacted the same way that Edric did. When Edric trailed on, “Imagine if dad came home and he wanted to talk to mom and she was busy entertaining guests and didn’t seem ready to take care of him…”

As he continued, my irritation grew and I replied, “You know what, I wouldn’t use dad as an example because he doesn’t react to those things. You are going to loose this argument. And I thought we agreed we wouldn’t use comparisons like this when there is an issue between us.” I felt like he was excusing his behavior and trying to make me agree with him by putting my dad in the same scenario.

After I spit that out, I regretted it. Edric was the one who felt hurt, he cut off our discussion and said, “Fine, I was wrong and I have the problem. Goodnight.”

I tried to finish our conversation properly but he just wanted to go to bed and end it. So fine. That was it for the evening. I watched a very cheesy Disney movie called Prom all by myself. I felt like a loser. And I prayed again, this time expressing my exasperation to the Lord.

The next morning, Edric and I woke up to run. I spent most of the time praying while I ran beside him which is what I usually do when we run. As I went through the list of things to pray for — family, ministry, business, MARRIAGE — the conviction to apologize became very strong. As I prayed, I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened the day before.

Edric’s point was that I had not respected him. And it really didn’t matter if I had not intended to. The point is, he felt disrespected because I did not prioritize his needs at 12:30 pm, when he came home, like he had asked me to and expected me to. But…What about Edric’s attitude? What about how hurt I felt?

The Lord comforted me. Forget about trying to make this a fairness thing. You do these things to please me, don’t make your obedience dependent on Edric again.

Okay, okay. You are right, Lord. I need to humble myself and say sorry because that is what you want me to do. 

At the end of our run, as we were cooling down, I turned to Edric and said, “Will you forgive me for yesterday? I was wrong. I should’ve prioritized you and been more respectful. I am sorry.”

Edric smiled and readily forgave me. All was well again…We walked back to our home with our intimacy and communication restored.

As a helpmate, helper, life-giver, supporter, companion to Edric, my role is constantly under testing. But I am thankful that my strong supporter is the Lord, who peels away the layers of wrong in my life to reveal to me the kind of woman he wants me to be — the kind that delights him, and in the process, delights my husband. But I can never be this kind of woman apart from his enabling. And the reality is he uses Edric to refine my character. God does not want me to get complacent or content with my standard of what is acceptable in a wife. Instead he wants me to keep pursuing his standard, which is always higher and better than my own, for the greater good of my person, my marriage and for the sake of his glory.

“Let Your hand be ready to help me, For I have chosen Your precepts.” (Psalms 119:173 NASB)

“…Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5 NASB)

The Habit of “I Love You”

April 25, 2013 By 1 Comment

At 1:45 in the morning, I was in between dream state and wakefulness when Edric came in to the room and got into bed beside me. “I love you,” he whispered like he almost always does every night since we got married. I whispered back, “I love you, too.” And he took my hand and held it for a while.

Ever since I can remember, these have been his closing words right before he goes to bed, no matter what his day is like.  It could be a great day, a stressful one, or a day when we’ve had an argument and he doesn’t feel like saying “I love you.” But he says it nonetheless because he wants it to be the last thing I remember before I sleep.

I remember the day we first met. We were sitting on a bench outdoors. It was during a Psychology 101 class. Our teacher brought us all outside while we presented our projects. Under the shade of a tree, Edric sat at one end of a blue bench and I sat at the other. The gravitational pull must have been pretty strong and we sort of got lost in our own little world, striking up a random conversation about God and faith. A curiosity bloomed. I found him honest and unpretentious. He told me later on that he was “mysteriously fascinated.” (I like that description.)

From then on, we seemed to run into each other more often. Edric actually timed his encounters with me and I would strategically place myself in areas where he could find me. But he had to look. I wasn’t going to dangle myself and make it too easy. It sounds like a game, eh? Well, I would like to quote what Edric once said to singles. “Guys like the chase, the challenge of pursuit, but they need to at least see a tail or some part of the deer that makes them hopeful.”

So I gave him a measure of hope. After all, I was interested in getting to know him, too. During our encounters, I was friendly and engaged, and he picked up on this. That was the “tail.”

We shared similar values, family cultures, and interests. But our personalities were quite different. Yet, we connected in the most important ways, especially spiritually. By my Junior year, we were a couple. If I could’ve done it over again, I wouldn’t have dated in college because Edric and I struggled with our physical relationship. I would’ve waited till after college, when we are at the marrying age. But God has since redeemed all of this.

In 2001, two years after graduating from college, Edric asked me to marry him. This was after we had broken up for 6 months to discern about marriage. I was 24 and he was 25.

I had prayed that Edric would be the one I walked down the aisle to. That time of separation purified our motives and gave us clarity about marriage. We received the blessing of his parents and my own, and four months after he proposed to me, we got married. No, we were not pregnant! We wanted a short engagement. After all, we were absolutely sure that God had called us to marriage so why wait any longer than necessary?

On July 22, I stood in front of Edric, said my vows and heard his, and we declared our commitment to one another. It was beyond incredible. But that version of I love you pronounced before God, family and friends had no real experience. It knew little of real commitment or unconditional acceptance.

The test came after the honeymoon, during the first years. It was then that Edric and I really began to understand that love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person for their highest good, which often requires sacrifice. We were two very selfish, prideful people in need of a good spanking from the Lord. He taught us what it really means to love one another. And over time, our love has endured through life’s seasons, by God’s grace.

Edric has loved me unconditionally, flaws and all. And each night that he says I love you means more to me than the day he put a ring on my finger. Why? Because this love has mileage! It has gone the distance and weathered the crazy ups and downs of marriage. It has been thrown into the “furnace” of experience and survived!

If you have been a follower of this blog, you know that I have written entries about our romance. We are big cheeseballs. Yet, at the end of the day, our relationship cannot be anchored on romance. It is a commitment we have made before God, to one another. Declaring “I love you” even when we don’t feel like it reaffirms this.

It’s a practice that has made a big difference in our relationship – a reminder that marriage is the habit of choosing to love your spouse, for better or for worse, and living out that choice the next day, and the next, for the rest of your life.

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Proverbs 5:18

A Son Needs His Father

April 22, 2013 By 1 Comment

The other evening, Elijah was struggling with decision-making. Being the perfectionist that he is, he had been practicing his violin 3 hours every day for about a week. And he was beginning to feel stressed.

I did not ask him to do this and neither did Edric. It was his personal conviction to “try his best.” However, I became concerned when it seemed like he was bordering on legalism. He had no peace. It was troubling him deeply that he couldn’t sustain the 3-hour long practices.

So I told him, “Tonight, just practice for 30 minutes. Take a break.” He wrestled with this and replied, “But, I feel like it’s not enough, that I should do it for longer.”

“Elijah, I am your mom. I am your authority. I’m asking you to practice for just 30 minutes tonight because I want you to relax. You don’t need to practice for 3 hours.”

But this didn’t alleviate his stress. And I started to feel exasperated inside when he became emotional and dramatic.

I love Elijah. He is a tender-hearted son who is very sensitive to the Holy Spirit yet he was convinced that he wouldn’t be pleasing to God if he didn’t practice hard enough. Of course, this wasn’t a biblical perspective. He didn’t have to earn God’s favor by playing his violin.

Unfortunately, at that moment, I had to get ready for a dinner so I couldn’t have a long drawn out conversation with him. Edric, on the other hand, takes 5 minutes to get ready so he had time to spare. When he saw that Elijah was anxious and confused, he called him into our room to talk. They had a private conversation about how Elijah was feeling and what was going on in his head.

When the opportunity was right, Edric inserted the principle of obeying your parents and priorities. He reminded Elijah that God has ordained us as his authority. And he can trust that God speaks through us. So if we say he doesn’t need to practice for 3 hours then he can rest assured that following what we say is what God wants him to do.

Then he talked about priorities. He explained to Elijah that it’s a good thing to do your best. However, there are other responsibilities and activities that Elijah needs to get done in a day. So if violin eats into everything else then he’s focusing too much on his violin. Edric used the example of his own life and the decisions he has to make as a man when ordering his priorities.

Elijah breathed a sigh of relief after he heard this and he said, “Thank you, Dad. I really look up to you. When I make decisions, I think about what you would do.”

Sons need heart-to-heart moments with their fathers. I couldn’t have comforted and assured Elijah in the same way that Edric did. Since their talk, he hasn’t been plagued with unnecessary guilt about his violin practices. He has been enjoying them instead.

Edric’s mentorship provides our sons with a different kind of security and confidence than my mothering does. As our sons grow into their manhood, they look to Edric more and more to teach them how to be men and navigate through life. It amazes me how responsive they are to Edric’s guidance and I am blessed that he is present and available to meet their needs. But, I’m also reminded to keep praying for him to be the kind of father they need him to be. And more importantly, I need to pray that he will be the father that God wants him to be. Mentoring three sons is a big responsibility. As sons need their fathers, fathers need their heavenly father to direct, instruct and teach them how to lead their families.

Psalm 25:4 Make me know Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths.

I found these scrapbook pages in my old files from 4 years ago…It was something the kids and I made for Edric.

 

Another Dimension to Love

April 20, 2013 By 1 Comment



One of the things that has allowed Edric and I to grow closer to one another is serving the Lord. We are both burdened to minister to young couples and young families. Although we don’t say yes to every speaking engagement we are invited to, we have had many opportunities to team-teach. He usually does most of the teaching and I come in to share real-life examples from our marriage and parenting.

Just this past weekend, we spoke once again at the Before I Do Seminar organized by Imagine Nation Photography. This is a something we do at least twice a year. And every time, it is a joy to share marriage principles that have helped us stay together. These are bible-based principles on God’s Design for Marriage, Marital Roles, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Finances and Sex in Marriage. We don’t do all the speaking but Edric usually handles the first part of the day.

Whenever we finish the seminar, Edric will often say, “I really enjoy serving the Lord with you.” And I feel the same way.

The spiritual dimension of a marriage is key. It’s easy to become so self-focused and relationship-centric when you are a wife or husband. The tendency is to manage your own concerns, issues, and fulfill your own needs and wants. But then what? What’s next? This can get boring after a while or even, implosive.

I believe that one of the reasons why God brings two people together in marriage is to assemble a “dream team” that can better serve him and others. It always amazes me how a husband and wife can complement and support each other’s strengths and weaknesses. In so many of the effectively ministering couples at our church, they share this dynamic. If a husband is not organized, the wife tends to be. If a wife is more introverted, the husband tends to be more outgoing and personable.

When Edric and I got married, he was the more extroverted one. It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy people. I just preferred my personal space and quiet. But I married a man who is charismatic, energetic, and a very good public speaker. He knows how to connect with all kinds of people. So this had a positive effect on the more reserved me. His example encouraged me to reach out to others and go outside of my comfort zone.

As for his public speaking, being on stage came naturally, but he had to learn how to really meditate on God’s word and dig deep for insights. This is where I came in as his helpmate. Because I am more of the reflective thinker, he would practice his messages on me and I would comment and help him to refine his content. In turn, he would help me work on my presentation skills and teach me how to develop better rapport with an audience.

The greater gift of being in ministry together is the accountability. Edric and I have to be careful about consistency. If we are going to talk about biblical principles on marriage or parenting, we need to be living these out ourselves. It certainly makes us consider the areas where we might be in danger of hypocrisy or the ways we need to improve. Otherwise, we know that it’s all cheap talk and meaningless to transform lives. How can God possibly use us if we aren’t applying his truth ourselves?

Just the week before we spoke at the Before I Do Seminar, we had some friction. Almost immediately, I recognized it as a spiritual attack and Edric did, too. But, we were busy and preoccupied with personal matters, so we let the issues linger longer than they should have. Anyway, it got to a point where we weren’t really communicating. We were intentionally dismissing one another because we were both irritated. But how could we remain this way? In just a few days we were going to be in front of a group of 80 people to tell them how amazing it is when you have God at the center of your marriage! So we both came together to identify the root issue – neither of us was spirit-filled. We were reacting to circumstances and to one another selfishly and with pride. After reconciling, we went out on a wonderful date the night before our talk and intimacy was restored. The next day, we stood up before an audience without pretense, not putting on a façade of “we have it all together”, but acknowledging that it is truly the Lord who has made the difference in our relationship.

Unfortunately, I don’t think many marriages are around long enough these days to look back in hindsight at the journey God meant for them to take as a team. They often miss out on the adventure even before it starts. I really felt like the best part of my marriage to Edric began a couple of years after we really figured out what God wanted us to do for him. Before then, it was too much about what I wanted and what Edric wanted, and blah, blah, blah. It wasn’t until we recognized that God ordained our partnership for a greater reason beyond the island that is our marriage that there began to be real depth to our relationship — that we didn’t just exist for ourselves and our own dreams.

Couples really ought to discover what their shared burdens are. Or better yet, singles should marry someone who has the same convictions and passion for ministry. There are so many needs out there — orphans, widows, the poor, marriage and family counseling, access to better education, housing, and opportunities for the underprivileged, etc. How can we use our talents and resources to be a blessing, to serve others? To glorify God?

I really believe the greatest intimacy any couple can share goes beyond the mental, physical and emotional aspect of their relationship. Personally speaking, the spiritual alignment of Edric’s heart with mine and with the Lord’s has been the most definitive aspect of who we are as husband and wife, and I would even say…the most beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45 NASB)

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