10-Year Parenting Anniversary

February 26, 2013 By 6 Comments

Parenting has hit a 10-year anniversary for Edric and I, with our eldest, Elijah, turning 10 today. We are still in the trenches of parenting without the horizon of our children’s adulthood yet in sight. But, Elijah often pushes the boundaries of the parenting frontier for us as the eldest. He brings on new challenges, new doubts, and he surprises us with his ever-maturing perspective on life.

Elijah, like all my other children, is an incredible gift to Edric and I. We have enjoyed his personality — his passion, intensity, zest, deep love for the Lord, and his insights. He is an intellectual child, a fast learner – a sponge, really. If he had a superpower it would be his capacity to read or listen to content and comprehend it right away. And with a voracious appetite for reading, he’s like an unstoppable force at times. I can’t keep up with the stock knowledge, facts, and information he has stored in that brain of his.

I remember asking him once, “Do you really learn anything from what I teach you or do you learn more from what you read?” He told me, “Honestly, I learn more from what I read but I still like to learn from you. But what I really like about you teaching me is that we can be together.” I felt both useless and special at the same time. As a homeschooling mom, that’s sort of a good thing. Independent learning in a child is a blessing when you have several kids to teach!

More than academic input, what he really needs from Edric and me is consistent discipleship. Like any child with intelligence (I think all children are gifted with unique abilities), he could become a Megamind without a moral compass. Therefore, he most definitely still needs guidance and mentoring.

Our parenting style with him has had to change over the years. The biblical goals remain the same, but we have to implore different strategies with Elijah. He has taken “training course 101”: obedience and respect. He knows what it means to obey and respect us, and, more often than not, he does. There may be occasions when he says things that can be rephrased in a more courteous way, but it doesn’t happen often. For the most part, he has internalized both character traits. The last time he received a spanking was years ago. He gets why it is important and necessary to obey and respect those in authority. Ultimately his obedience is to the Lord. So if he has a problem with that, he is accountable to him, too.

 

Elijah’s first official photoshoot

Elijah as a 1 year old

Elijah today…checking on his stocks portfolio

At this stage in his young life he needs help with identifying character weaknesses and how to combat these with spiritual means. For example, when there is a mismatch between what his brain can imagine and what his motor skills are able to do, it leads to emotional chaos. He will groan, become self-deprecating, negative, and upset beyond reason. I used to try to lecture him and mouth out bible verses to convict him to change, but these did not help. This would, of course, aggravate me, which only made matters worse for our relationship. So I learned to turn him over to the Lord. When he would act up, I would ask him to quietly excuse himself and take a moment to pray and process his feelings.

Early last year, he finally recognized his heart issue as pride and admitted this to me. During a week of prayer and fasting held January 2013 for our church, he made a list of things to pray for and one of them was, “Be controlled by the Holy Spirit.”

When he starts to be angry with himself, he will voluntarily step out of a room and be alone for a while to pray. He will return about five to ten minutes later ready to resume the task that he was in the middle of. I asked him what he does when he isolates himself and he said, “I pray that God will help me not to be irritated, to remain focused.” This has been his most effective coping method yet.

As for me, I give him spiritual space to let the Lord speak to him. From past experience, I know that telling him what to do and saying things like, “You need to stop that and change your attitude,” works 1% of the time, if at all. I can still do this with the younger kids because they are in “training course 101” but Elijah is growing up. He needs to internalize certain spiritual truths on his own.

When he goes off and brings his frustrations before the Lord, he returns ready and able. I offer him a hug, an encouraging word, a back rub, and I pray for him instead. If he comes back smiling, all credit goes to the Lord’s work in his heart. After all, these instances are beyond my control. I can enforce consequences and get angry so that he will listen out of fear, but I’m looking for a different kind of fruit in him — a compelling desire to please God more than Edric or myself.

If there is anything that 10 years of parenting have taught me it is this: There is a spiritual tug of war for the hearts of our children. The reality of Satan’s attempts to turn them towards ungodliness and use their weaknesses to his advantage is so apparent. Even if my kids are homeschooled and seem to live in an environment where they are, for the most part, protected from negative peer, media, and worldly influences, the battle is most certainly within. Satan is a master infiltrator, intent on destroying every seed of faith that is planted in the hearts of our kids, and snuffing out the love they have for Christ.

I encounter this reality often, not only with Elijah, but with my other kids. Most of the time, they will do as they are told, but there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t have to deal with one of the following in at least one of my children – selfish attitudes, hardness of heart, manipulation, laziness, wrong thinking, etc.

There is no such thing as a cocoon or bubble that can really shelter my kids from evil or their own carnality. And I really don’t think that parenting or homeschooling needs to be about paranoid over-protectiveness. I don’t homeschool for those reasons, though an undeniable benefit is that our kids aren’t subject to the same sort of undesirable influences that most children who go to school are. (Not all schools, okay?)

Homeschooling lets me be present and available to better understand, help and disciple my kids for the purpose of spiritual fitness because I have more time with them. How can I do this if I am not around to identify what’s wrong in the first place? What if I can only see what’s happening on a surface level because my interactions with them are minimal and reduced to a few hours each day? How will I pass on the love for the Lord if I can’t model or encourage it often enough?

I already feel that the number of years that have been given to me for a season of parenting are too short. Celebrating Elijah’s tenth birthday was a reminder once again that I don’t have forever to prepare and equip my kids for the harder battles that they must face. His real battles are not completing a composition assignment that he doesn’t want to do, or getting annoyed because he can’t finish a 20-sided origami polyhedron with a single sheet of paper better than he thought he could. (Both of these have the potential to make him emotionally ballistic.) The greater battle is between his two natures.

On the one hand, he desires to please God, to love him, and be an obedient and loving son to Edric and I. He wants to do his best in everything that he does for God’s glory. But on the other hand, he knows that he can be an emotional yo-yo, ruled by his feelings, and unresponsive to correction and teaching when his heart is overcome by pride and irritation. I praise God that he is learning to yield to the Holy Spirit as his best weapon for the war within. But it has taken a good long while for him to come to this point of awareness.

There are no quick fixes to our children’s character and even our own. There is no fast-forward button that can be pressed for immediate transformation. God allows us all to go through a refining process where we become more aware of our helplessness apart from his grace so that we can live with power through it.

When homeschooling moms fret about uncompleted daily assignments, unfinished workbooks, unmet academic goals, I want to say, “Have you considered the possibility that you are focusing on a minor battle when there is a greater war at hand?” But, how can I say this without sounding like a crazy person?

The reality is, if the enemy can get us to be impatient, annoyed and stressed out by the little things he can make us…

a. act in ways that nullify the positive influence we want to have on our children

b. doubt our decision to homeschool because we begin to focus on our inadequacies or our child’s

c. pressure our children to learn when their hearts aren’t ready so that the joy of learning is taken away

d. seek to motivate them externally when what we really want is internal motivation

e. give the evil one victory because he has successfully channeled our efforts and energy away from discipleship.

The greater battle is not giving them the intellectual capacity to cope in the world. That is certainly part of our responsibility but it isn’t the most important thing. We need to prepare them for the spiritual war – the real world – where the foundations of their faith, their convictions and values will be tested and tried. Will they stand? Will they falter? Will they recover?

As Elijah moves towards young adulthood, his struggles will also grow. It has given me hope to witness his strategy for self-correction – learning to pray and surrender himself to the Lord. But that is not the guarantee I have for my fears. What allays my fears is knowing that God is a gracious, ever-present, and faithful father. He loves Elijah and all our children more perfectly than Edric or I ever could. If we can teach Elijah to keep walking with the Lord, if we can parent him in such a way that his heart is continually turned towards the Lord, if we can encourage him to keep studying God’s word and grow in wisdom, and if we do our part to model a love for the Lord contagiously and pass this on to him, then I believe that God will surely do the more difficult part of causing Elijah to become the man he wants him to be — spiritually fit and able to be a light and testimony for Him.

May these verses encourage you as they have me…

The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers that we are only dust…But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments! Psalm 103:13-14, 17-18

On the Money Kids

December 26, 2012 By 13 Comments

Elijah guested on Edric’s show, On the Money, for the Christmas episode along with four other kids (three were also homeschoolers). He had such an amazing time. He kept talking about how cool the studio was. But, I think the best part for him was just being with Edric. He is at that age where bonding time with Edric matters a lot. They do one-on-ones every now and then and Elijah comes back from these occasions with his emotional tank full. I wish I had a spy camera that can record their conversations because neither of them divulge as much as I would like them to when I ask them what they talk about.

After the ANC interview, I asked Elijah what he answered and how it went. And he just said, “You have to watch it, mom. I can’t tell you.” Well, I finally found the link for it. On the Money:Christmas Episode Every time I watched Elijah answer, I thought, my goodness, he is like a little Edric!

Elijah’s first field trip to a TV studio. It just so happened to be his daddy’s show!


Selah.Pause.Pay Attention

October 23, 2012 By 21 Comments

I love the quietness of the evening, after the kids are tucked in bed and sound asleep. It’s hard to imagine Edric and I have four of them when it is this still. Stillness is so important to me. The responsibility of child-rearing, homeschooling, ministry, work (when Edric needs me), and various commitments to family and friends can often cannibalize whatever space should be preserved for pause and meditation.

These past few weeks, Edric and I have been unusually busy. Because of this, our time in the Word and prayer has been rushed or neglected. And the irony is, we have been doing a whole lot of ministry. One weekend was a couples retreat, the next was a parenting seminar for young families, and Edric spoke two weekends in a row for worship in various places. In between there were things like counseling, activities and new enrichment classes for the children, Elijah’s end year assessment and Edan’s graduation, parties we had to attend, evenings out for necessary meetings, sick kids, out of town trips, planning for the Global Home Education Conference in Berlin, booking our Europe itinerary, dealing with some challenges in our discipleship group, schedule changes and added responsibilities, etc…Of course, my homeschooling schedule was crazy, too. I missed a couple of days here and there.

Most of these experiences have been incredible blessings and God has allowed Edric and I to learn how to manage stress and flurry better. But circumstances and busy-ness also made Edric and I vulnerable to spiritual attack. All the ministry work turned us into a beeping signal on the radar of the Evil one. He constantly tried to divide us and cause dissension. Edric and I were getting irritated at one another for silly things and we became such nit-pickers. Since schedules were kind of hectic, there was hardly any time to get together and address the issues. We were living from one spiritual high to another, but our responses to issues between us seemed infantile. I would make hurtful comments when I was upset and Edric expected me to adjust to his needs and demanding circumstances without giving much thought to my own feelings.

But God, in his faithfulness, reminded both of us that we were focusing on each other and circumstances. We were not focusing on him. We were not making enough time for him. When Edric was preparing for last Sunday’s message on the topic, “Selah. Regularly,” he shared with me his renewed conviction to take a pause from all the activity and pay attention to God. I thought it was such a timely insight and I needed to practice immediately.

Well, lo and behold, last Saturday, God gave me the opportunity to apply the message. I had to call a company that does home service lab work. My grandfather (Angkong) is 93 years old and lately, his blood pressure has been low. So he needed some tests to be done. I tried to contact the company atleast 5 times without success. Every time I would call, I would be put on hold then re-routed to a basement storage area where the guy would say, “Ay, ma’m basement to. Tawag ka na lang sa tamang number.”

After this happened a multiple number of times, I told him that I had been put on hold and connected to him, even after he gave me the supposed right number to call. My tone was starting to change. I increased the volume for emphasis. Inside I was soooo annoyed. I wanted to pick a fight with mister basement guy even if he could do nothing to solve my problem. I didn’t care about the futility of doing so. But God reminded me, at the height of my aggravation, that I had not stopped to pray and ask for his help. Selah. Pause. Listen. So I hit myself on the head five times with a book to keep myself from getting angry. (It was a paperback!) Then, I hung up courteously.

The verse that was very clear in my mind was, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. (James 1:20 NASB) So timely, Lord! I composed myself, called the company again and got through. That was a Selah experience for me. God spared me from losing my temper but it was a close call!

If I had not taken a pause to listen to the Lord, I would have blown up on the phone. I felt the heat rising. I was charged with irritation. There was nothing I wanted to do more than blast out insults and criticism for this company’s customer service. (At the same time, I also thought…this must be what people feel like when they try to call our organization and can’t get through! It is infuriating!) Well, what saved me was the gentle voice of the Lord reminding me to be Christ-like, to respond with grace to an unfavorable and inconvenient situation, and to be humble and kind even if I was upset.

The gist of Edric’s Sunday message was, PAUSE. PAY ATTENTION. In the midst of flurry and busy-ness, in the midst of stress and situations beyond our control, we need to take an intentional pause to consider who God is and what character trait he wants us to develop. Paying attention to who God is reminds us that he is the sovereign orchestrator of circumstances. He wants us to discover and experience how amazing he is and change what is wrong about ourselves so we can live the abundant life he calls us to.

If you would like to watch the message and Elijah’s testimony, check out Selah. Our nine year old son, Elijah, also gave his testimony that day.

Better than 20/20

September 6, 2012 By 67 Comments

As a mom, there’s no hurt like the hurt you feel when your child experiences pain, disappointment, tragedy, loss…I can’t explain how it tore me up to hear the ophthalmologist tell my son, Elijah, that his grade had gone up to 400/425 — 400 for the left eye and 425 for the right eye. It wasn’t so much about the grade, although I was shocked that it had progressed to that degree since his last eye check-up at 7 years old. It was more of the disappointment I saw in his face and the sadness he felt when he heard the news.

The reality is that his condition is genetically inherited. I first discovered he was near-sighted when he was about 6 years old. He couldn’t read a billboard that was very visible to me. So it occurred to me back then that something was wrong with his eyes. Edric has glasses but his grade isn’t too bad. I am still 20/20. So Elijah probably got it from my dad who is also near-sighted.

When Elijah was 7, his grade was already over 200. But we thought it would stay that way for a while. He’s just 9 now. I dread to think of what his grade will progress to by the time he is 13. According to the ophthalmologist, his eyesight is going to get worse (whether he wears glasses or not) and there is really nothing that can be done, except changing his eyeglasses every year. By 19 or 20, when he stops growing, he can have laser surgery for his eyes. (Praise God for modern technology.)

After the verdict about his eyes at the doctor’s clinic, I watched Elijah settle in a corner as he tried to remain composed. But I know my son. This was difficult for him. He was not okay. His eyes were getting red and watery and he didn’t want to make eye contact. I pulled him close and asked if he wanted to talk about it. He replied, “In private.”

Okay, I understood. The doctor went on to say that he may “have a hard time in school.” (I guess he meant reading stuff off a black board.) We told him that Elijah was a homeschooled kid. (Another blessing.)

Edric helped him pick out new glasses, which we will pick up on Saturday. And we both took him out to lunch to give him attention. Elijah is very much a time person so he opens up when you share a meal with him, when you walk together, or when you are sitting down next to him reading or discussing a book. Over lunch, he began to explain his feelings. He shared how disappointed he was because God had not answered his prayer. His prayer has been that God would make his eyes better. The other thing he was concerned about was going blind. My poor son was afraid that he would completely lose his eyesight. We both hugged him and assured him that God loved him and that we loved him – that we were going to do our best to take care of him no matter what.

Elijah loved the Persian food we had for lunch. His stomach was satisfied and he enjoyed our company. It was an opportune moment to help him process how he was feeling. Edric shared with him that God has a plan for everything. He reminded Elijah that if he wanted to, God could easily cure his eyes, but he hasn’t. We have to trust him. He reminded Elijah that when we pray for something and God doesn’t answer our prayer, he has a purpose.

There was another instance like this in the past when Elijah was also disappointed with God. Five years ago, Elijah prayed very hard to have a baby sister. During the ultra sound, he was allowed to come in to watch the sonologist. With big faith and confidence in God, he couldn’t wait to hear her say that we were having a girl. But the sonologist announced that we were having a boy – our third son (Titus). Elijah couldn’t contain himself. He burst into tears. “I prayed, Daddy! How come God didn’t answer my prayer?”

I wasn’t in any state to comfort him. Seeing him so wrecked about the news made me feel like crying, too. I was excited to have another boy but I feared for Elijah’s tender faith. Edric took him outside of the room and wonderfully explained to him that God always has a good plan. Eventually, our little Elijah understood what this meant and he embraced Titus as his youngest brother. Three years later, God gave us Tiana. Everything worked out according to God’s time-table.

Yesterday, Elijah was once again at a crucial point in his faith journey. As he wrestled with his disappointment with God, he was emotionally vulnerable to doubts about God’s goodness. His outlook on the future was also bleak. God had to make Elijah recognize that he had to choose to trust in him and thank him for this unchangeable in his life.

After lunch, I reaffirmed what Edric shared with Elijah. All of us go through difficulty and trials. No one is exempt. But if our perspective is right, then our thinking is right, and our behavior will also be right. But if we have the wrong perspective, our thinking will be wrong, and our behavior will be affected by wrong thinking… For example, if our perspective on God is that he is good and that he loves us then we can believe that he has a plan and purpose for our lives. And as a result, we can choose to be joyful, happy, and thankful despite our circumstances. Elijah listened to this and received it well.

Edric and I spent a good three hours with Elijah yesterday and something magical happened in those hours. Elijah’s attitude changed. On our way home, he was smiling his big, bright smile. He was chatty and positive, and he was raving about the food we at. He’s back, I thought to myself. Thank you, Lord! Elijah told us he had a great time, that he loved the food and most especially, he felt better because we got to talk about how he was feeling “in private.”

As a writing assignment, I asked him to do a blog entry about his experience at the ophthalmologist. This is what he wrote:

Today (September 5) I had my eyes checked and the grade of my eyes had risen double in the past three years. I felt disappointed because, before I had my checkup we prayed that my eyes would be better. But God had a different plan. He had a bigger plan. He loves me, so he will only do things to help me. And someday (or soon) God will fulfill his plan.

All of us have our own dreams for ourselves, but God has the best plans for us. I really wanted my eyes to get better, but I know that God can’t just make eyes better, he can make them perfect. It may not happen, but I know that God loves me. He will not allow anything bad to happen to me.

I want to be thankful because at least, I can still see!

In heaven, my eyes will be perfect and I will see better. This is the verse I want to share in Jeremiah 29:11 “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.”

Over breakfast this morning, I said to him, “You seem so positive and different than yesterday when you found out. What changed?” “I know God has a plan,” was his sincere reply. Does he still feel sad about his eyes? Yes. But he is choosing to believe in the goodness of God.

Elijah may not have 20/20 vision, but if he can see with spiritual eyes, he will see far more than 20/20 will ever give him. After all, “we walk by faith and not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7)

The Young Architects

June 10, 2012 By 15 Comments

My eldest son, Elijah, just launched his own blog called The Young Architects. It is his online portfolio of created things and meaningful reflections. Of course since he is just 9, his blogging time is monitored. But this is his project as he ends third grade and moves on to fourth. It is also my secret way of getting him to write. He has been very motivated to include descriptions of his work and add journal reflections. There really isn’t much text but he is highly interested in this new found hobby so I imagine that he will get into writing more. Yeah!

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