A Son Needs His Father

April 22, 2013 By 14 Comments

The other evening, Elijah was struggling with decision-making. Being the perfectionist that he is, he had been practicing his violin 3 hours every day for about a week. And he was beginning to feel stressed.

I did not ask him to do this and neither did Edric. It was his personal conviction to “try his best.” However, I became concerned when it seemed like he was bordering on legalism. He had no peace. It was troubling him deeply that he couldn’t sustain the 3-hour long practices.

So I told him, “Tonight, just practice for 30 minutes. Take a break.” He wrestled with this and replied, “But, I feel like it’s not enough, that I should do it for longer.”

“Elijah, I am your mom. I am your authority. I’m asking you to practice for just 30 minutes tonight because I want you to relax. You don’t need to practice for 3 hours.”

But this didn’t alleviate his stress. And I started to feel exasperated inside when he became emotional and dramatic.

I love Elijah. He is a tender-hearted son who is very sensitive to the Holy Spirit yet he was convinced that he wouldn’t be pleasing to God if he didn’t practice hard enough. Of course, this wasn’t a biblical perspective. He didn’t have to earn God’s favor by playing his violin.

Unfortunately, at that moment, I had to get ready for a dinner so I couldn’t have a long drawn out conversation with him. Edric, on the other hand, takes 5 minutes to get ready so he had time to spare. When he saw that Elijah was anxious and confused, he called him into our room to talk. They had a private conversation about how Elijah was feeling and what was going on in his head.

When the opportunity was right, Edric inserted the principle of obeying your parents and priorities. He reminded Elijah that God has ordained us as his authority. And he can trust that God speaks through us. So if we say he doesn’t need to practice for 3 hours then he can rest assured that following what we say is what God wants him to do.

Then he talked about priorities. He explained to Elijah that it’s a good thing to do your best. However, there are other responsibilities and activities that Elijah needs to get done in a day. So if violin eats into everything else then he’s focusing too much on his violin. Edric used the example of his own life and the decisions he has to make as a man when ordering his priorities.

Elijah breathed a sigh of relief after he heard this and he said, “Thank you, Dad. I really look up to you. When I make decisions, I think about what you would do.”

Sons need heart-to-heart moments with their fathers. I couldn’t have comforted and assured Elijah in the same way that Edric did. Since their talk, he hasn’t been plagued with unnecessary guilt about his violin practices. He has been enjoying them instead.

Edric’s mentorship provides our sons with a different kind of security and confidence than my mothering does. As our sons grow into their manhood, they look to Edric more and more to teach them how to be men and navigate through life. It amazes me how responsive they are to Edric’s guidance and I am blessed that he is present and available to meet their needs. But, I’m also reminded to keep praying for him to be the kind of father they need him to be. And more importantly, I need to pray that he will be the father that God wants him to be. Mentoring three sons is a big responsibility. As sons need their fathers, fathers need their heavenly father to direct, instruct and teach them how to lead their families.

Psalm 25:4 Make me know Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths.

I found these scrapbook pages in my old files from 4 years ago…It was something the kids and I made for Edric.

 

Date with My Boys

January 30, 2013 By 9 Comments

After giving a seminar Thursday morning, I took my two older sons out for a lunch date. They always enjoy these moments when they have my undivided attention and we get to bond with one another. (Edric’s version is to play sports with them, have man to man talks, or go to the barber shop to get their hair cut.)

Before we even settled into our chairs, Elijah was like, “So what are we going to talk about? I really like this, mom…” He started rambling. Edan was his usual cool and calm himself, quiet and reserved.

After we ordered our food and settled down, I asked them, “How can I improve as a mom?” This question is always a good starting point to get my boys to open up and be receptive to me.

Elijah shared that I HAVE improved with my temper. Whew! He said, “You are very patient now and you don’t snap anymore. I can tell when you are irritated but you don’t get angry.”

Edan took a longer while to share. He is my reflective thinker. Midway through our lunch, he began to open up. “Oh, I know what you can improve on, mom. When dad calls you, you should go right away. And, when we are playing board games, you shouldn’t have your IPad or be distracted so you can focus on the game.”

There are instances when Edric calls me and I dilly-dally because I am preoccupied with my own thing. Edric does not like this. And the kids have noticed it, too. That’s got to change. As for the board games…Honestly, I don’t like to play board games! I do it for my kids and Edric because it is family time. But, more often than not, I multi-task by getting on the Internet or writing. Edan was right, I need to be engaged and full present.


As we conversed some more, I also asked them what they can improve on. Voluntarily, they addressed their own areas of weakness. Elijah admitted that he has to be more focused and Edan said he had to eat his meals faster. We discussed their observations for a bit and then I also encouraged them to proactively include Titus in their activities and not to isolate him. Sometimes, he gets left out and this really hurts his feelings.

Prior to this lunch date, Elijah was already making a more conscious effort to be kind to Titus. “Titus, you are always included. Anytime you want to join, you can, okay?” He would say this in the context of their play. As a result, Titus became very affectionate with Elijah — hugging him and wanting to be near him. Titus is my hugger.

Edan, on the other hand, is still learning to work through his differences with Titus. Being the very methodical, organized person that he is, Titus’ anything-goes-personality tends to clash with his. But he is trying harder.

We had a great time talking, laughing, and just being together. There is something special about taking my children out on a date. It sends a message to them that they are important and that I like them (which is different than just loving them). For example, I love people but I really like being with certain people. In the same way, I love my children but I want each of them to know I really like them; I prefer their company; and getting to know them is a priority to me.

Children are incredibly discerning. They can differentiate between knowing they are loved and feeling absolutely certain they are loved. Of course they prefer the latter. Who doesn’t?

I used to know that God loves me in the head because I grew up in a Christian home and learned about faith and Jesus, but it wasn’t until I really began a relationship with Jesus and grew in intimacy with him that I was absolutely certain that he loved me. I not only knew it, I felt it and experienced it. And it motivated me to pursue holiness, righteousness, obedience, and live to please him.

Similarly, most children KNOW their parents love them. Well-meaning parents provide for and meet their physical needs, and make choices “for their good.” However, this doesn’t always fill a child’s longing for acceptance and secure attachment. Neither does it cause a child to take on the values of a parent or make a child internally motivated to obey and please them.

Edric and I are discovering that even homeschooling is not enough. Homeschooling makes us connect with our kids very often but each one of them needs one-on-one attention and shepherding. They have different personalities, struggles, and needs. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting them.

I like what Elijah told me about one-on-one time, “I like to be with you to talk about life and things that I can’t talk about in public. There are some things that I want to talk about that are personal. And when I get to do that I feel more relaxed and less stressed. I really feel loved when you want to be with me.”

Who would ever think that a 9 year old has to deal with “stress”?! Yet it is interesting to have conversations with him and realize he is plagued by doubts and pressures; that there are circumstances that trouble him and he needs us to come along side him to point him in the right direction.

I think it is such a privilege to be parent. What a precious stewardship. One day, I dream of hearing God say, well done, good and faithful mom! I gave you Elijah, Edan, Titus, Tiana and coming-soon-baby, and you led them to Me.

But I often have to ask myself, Am I doing my best? Am I being the kind of mom that my children need to know and love God? Do I prioritize my children? Have I embraced motherhood as the most important job I have at this life stage?

It’s humbling and challenging to journey through the stages of parenting and realize, year after year, that Edric and I don’t always know what we are doing and we don’t always get it right. What worked for one child may not necessarily yield the same results in another. We are perpetually dependent on the the Lord for wisdom, creativity, insight, and patience. As we walk with him, he is our teacher. He shows us how to apply his parenting principles but customize them for each of our kids.

And one very effective way of ministering to our children is setting aside intentional moments to be with them. It makes our children more responsive to discipleship. It also allows us to get to know them personally and uncover attitudes and heart issues that need prayer.

At the end of the day, we invest in time, teaching, training, bonding, listening, and laughing together with our children to pass on a godly legacy that they can pass on to their own children. It is for this reason that God made us parents and gave us the four precious children that we have. As Psalm 78 says, We will not conceal them from their children, but tell to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, and His strength and His wondrous works that He has done. For He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which He commanded our fathers that they should teach them to their children, that the generation to come might know, even the children yet to be born, that they may arise and tell them to their children, that they should put their confidence in God and not forget the works of God, but keep His commandments…(Psalms 78:4-7 NASB)

The Singing Brothers in Their Pajamas

January 10, 2013 By 16 Comments

Recently, I discovered that my sons sing together and harmonize. They started practicing on their own over the Christmas season, singing carols. It was a pleasant surprise when one day I heard them belting out, “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” in the car. Edan was directing and doing the melody with Titus, and Elijah was singing the harmony.

One of the reasons why they are able to hear their own pitch is because they do violin and piano, and from time to time, Edric and I randomly perform for them at the dinner table.

At the age of 7, Elijah was so eager to learn how to harmonize and copy us, so I taught him how to pay attention to the chords of a song. Eventually, he got the principle of it. And playing instruments has been a big help, too.

Titus is a natural singer. He invents songs and often has a melody he is humming while working, eating, playing and even while on the toilet. One of the songs he invented went like this, “When you make poo poo on the toilet, it’s very stinky. So you have to flush it…” I said, “Nice song, Titus!” But he didn’t like that I made a big deal out of his bathroom concert, so he responded with, “Mom!” and stopped singing. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

It is certainly a joy to hear music from my children. Whether it is playing instruments (even if they are not always in tune) or random singing, home feels like a happy place when our children express themselves artistically and freely.


This morning, I was not feeling well. After a day that ended too late last night and with such troubling sleep because I received very sorrowful news about a friend’s death (after attending another person’s wake), it was so comforting to hear my kids voices coming from the dining room. So I asked them to perform for me while I lay in bed. The Singing Brothers in Pajamas

Most of my homeschooling this morning has been from bed! But we are still getting the work done. Thank you, Lord!

Ushering Boys into Manhood

January 8, 2013 By 3 Comments

Sometimes raising boys makes me a little crazy…their seeming inability to modulate their voices, the perpetual movement, the mess, the competing and clashing of their titanic personalities…It is like trying to reign in wild horses. Thankfully, they have learned obedience and submission to authority which helps a lot. However, they still push back and want to assert their manhood and ideas very often. And I must be careful not to quell their natural inclinations towards leadership. On occasion, however, I want to say, “I surrender! Edric, please take over! I need to go get my toenails done or do something to get away from all this testosterone!”

The past couple of weeks have been wonderful because Edric had some time off from his ANC tapings and TMA Homeschool. So he spent one-on-one time with each of the boys and he has been 100% hands-on with training them. Last week was like Daddy Boot Camp because we had no house help. (I am not going to do that again. It was novel for a short period but exhausting!)

Edric reigned in our three stallions — Elijah, Edan and Titus. Edric’s authoritative manner got the boys to listen and comply with his rules. They were actually eager to follow a plan, a system, and they had a healthy fear of disregarding Edric’s “policies.” He was stern but not mean.

He had a couple of things that he implemented:

1. No leaving the table without excusing yourself when you are done eating or you stay 10 extra minutes.
2. Clear everything you use from the table and bring it all into the kitchen.
3. Follow the four step rule of taking a shower, brushing your teeth, putting on your pajamas, and then calling dad when you are ready for bedtime prayer.
4. Fold your clothes neatly if they are not dirty.
5. Throw or give away toys that you are not using and store new ones so you have something to look forward to. (In an afternoon, he got the boys to sort through their toys. There was a mountain in the living room but he got them to stack everything neatly so we can now put them into boxes for storage.)

The boys readily submitted to Edric like good soldiers. It certainly made my job of focusing on the home less difficult. And beyond this, he really sought to take the opportunity to mentor them. Elijah needed help with being more focused and responsible about his belongings. Edan needed to be encouraged toward courageousness. Titus had to be refreshed about immediate obedience.

Some days ago, Elijah forgot to excuse himself from the table and Edric made him sit there for 10 extra minutes. Elijah was frustrated because he wanted to run off and play. So he started to tear. A few hours later, he broke his glasses because he left them thoughtlessly on the floor. He really cried when this happened. One of the lenses had popped off and we could not put it back into the frame.

When I reported this to Edric, initially, he felt aggravated and frustrated. He was really tempted to be angry with Elijah for his carelessness. He had a talk with Elijah. Edric didn’t get mad, but he did tell Elijah that he needed to improve on being more focused.

Afterwards, Elijah repeated a similar mistake which again showed that he lacked presence of mind. In private, Edric shared with me his irritation as a father. I shared my own perspective on Elijah. From my observations, Elijah was beginning to feel very discouraged about his lack of focus and clumsiness. But I suggested that he is growing up so fast mentally and physically that perhaps this contributes to his inability to be “all there.” Edric decided to pray about it and give it more thought.

The next day, he called Elijah over the phone and told him, “I experienced being unfocused while I was working today and I remember that I was prone to the same changes when I was your age. I just want to let you know that I understand. Don’t be discouraged. I love you no matter what but I also want you to realize that Daddy is committed to helping you improve and become better.” (I asked for a replay of the dialogue from both of them!)

In response, I saw Elijah’s face soften as he thanked his dad for the encouragement. And he ran off to play a happy boy, confident that his dad was there to offer him grace, support and the mentoring he needed.

As for Edan, our cautious and calculated child, Edric got him to wade out in deeper water at the beach when we visited Las Casas Filipinas de Acuzar this past weekend. Edan was afraid to try but Edric didn’t let him be mastered by his fear. He took him out to where they could jump the waves and after a few minutes, Edan grabbed Edric to embrace him and he said, “Daddy, I really like it when you are with me.” He expressed how fun it was out in the deeper water.

Very recently, Edric told me, “I have been thinking a lot about being a dad and the kind of father I want to be. I don’t want to be a father who is there just for the moments, the celebratory occasions. I want to be present and I want my kids to be able to say, someday, that I was around, that I was there for them.”

When I reflect on what it means to usher our sons into manhood, I think of Edric’s role in the lives of our boys. They come to me when they are hungry, need sympathy, assistance on their homeschooling, or a referee for their disputes, etc. But they have a deep respect for their father. They look at him with a kind of adulation that I don’t get. The boys grow up when he affirms them and gives them his attention. I get puppy dog eyes to butter me up when they want something.

I asked Elijah what he thought of his dad. He said, “100%. He is the best dad in the world!” He also added that when he has one-on-one time with his dad it’s important because “they can talk about men stuff that women don’t understand.”

Parenting is such a challenge, especially raising sons. I know that I would be overwhelmed without Edric around. I often feel that Edric is God’s grace to me…his leadership in our home. He steers the ship that is our family towards the Lord. Seeing him at the helm provides me with a great assurance, not because he always knows what he is doing (he would be the first to admit that he makes mistakes, big and small). What makes me feel secure is his desire and consistency in trying to do what God wants him to, as a husband, as a father. This is better to me than someone who has a facade of perfection and appears to have it all together. His dependence on the Lord for direction and his desire to please him is what real manhood is about.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4

This Shouldn’t Be Taboo

October 19, 2012 By 6 Comments

The other evening, as I was about to meet Edric for a date, Titus asked me, “Why do you have to go out on a date?” So I turned the question around and asked him, “Why do you think mommy and daddy go out on dates?” His adorable reply was, “Because you love each other and you want to make babies!”

This moment of comedy made me think about how innocent our children are. It is something that Edric and I try very hard to safeguard. We are careful about what we watch as a family, the music we listen to, and the access our kids have to the Internet. But at the same time, we answer the questions our children have about sex. We don’t evade the topic or dismiss it.

They don’t ask about it often. In fact, these sort of conversations rarely happen. But when they do, Edric and I are ready to explain sex. And there is no malice or silliness about our dialogues because we make it clear that sex is something special that is shared between a husband and wife. It is an expression of intimacy and love in the context of marriage. It is God’s beautiful design. There is no corruption in it.

Recently, Edric spoke to one of our sons about it once again. His explanation was well-received. It was treated like any other conversation. But what I really appreciated was when Edric said to him, “I want to be the one to tell you about these things because I am your dad. No one taught me when I was younger. I found out the wrong way…from my friends.” He also added, “If you have any questions, you can always ask me because we are guys and I can relate to the way you think. You can also ask mom, but mom is a girl so she might not always understand guy stuff.”

Admittedly, I felt a little bit bad that he had to add that last part but I also realized that certain areas are really Edric’s department. I was happy that Edric made our son feel like he can tell his dad anything, that no topic is off limits.

I really believe that sons need their father to talk to them about sex as God designed it to be. Who really mentors their sons in this area? It’s not something we commonly practice because there is so much taboo surrounding sex. We have made it such an awkward topic. We get embarrassed to use correct terminology or talk about the details. But it is the world that has made sex something dirty and carnal. As parents, we can present it to our children as the pure and undefined thing that it is. We don’t have to divulge all the details at once, but as they ask questions, we should answer them truthfully. After all, the Bible says, “To the pure, all things are pure; but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled.” (Titus 1:15 NASB)

I remember an instance when one of our sons said his friends were laughing and pointing at a poster that showed a woman who was not wearing much. He turned away and his friends noticed, so they made a big deal about it and said, “Oh, he’s not looking! He’s not looking!” This son of ours narrated the incident to me and I told him that he did the right thing. I have no idea what the poster was or how they even saw it. But it was one of those times when I was thankful that our son knew he should close his eyes to protect himself.

Edric and I want our kids to be informed correctly so they recognize that there is sex as God designed it and a corrupted version of sex out there that they need to run away from. If they are not taught early, they may very well discover the corrupted version first from others, making it difficult for them to perceive sex the way God designed them to. So we need to lovingly guide them to desire holiness and purity and of course, we have to model this ourselves in what we think, say, and do…

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8 NASB)

Popcorn Men

March 11, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Sitting in theater 4 of Rockwell Powerplant Mall, in the middle of the movie, Edric and I heard a loud clicking sound in the back. We had no idea what it was but it was pretty distinct and annoying.

Edric and another guy decided to do something about it and went outside to talk to the attendants. Within a few minutes the problem was solved and the clicking was gone. I turned over to Edric and said, “I really appreciate you, hon. I love that you went out there and took care of things.”

About an hour and a half into the movie, however, there was another issue. The dialogue went mute. We were watching a silent film! All acting and no sound.

When the problem did not resolve itself, Edric instinctively jumped out of his seat to fix the problem. He informed the attendants outside the cinema and they immediately addressed his concern. They stopped the film, back-tracked five minutes of the movie we missed and we were able to finish the the story in peace and with no more glitches.

It probably sounds silly that I find my husband attractive when he does things like this. And of course no one knew or cared that Edric actually went outside and inconvenienced himself to fix the problem. But I did! I thought to myself, “What a guy!”…Especially since everyone else was just complaining and sitting around eating popcorn (including me!).

I appreciated him for being heroic, even with a small thing. This wasn’t about saving people from a life and death situation, but it was about taking initiative and taking charge. And I have seen this trait in my husband often. It’s an admirable, masculine trait that I want our boys to have, too.

Th wonderful thing is Edric is training the boys to be this way. When they are in a restaurant, he lets them talk to the waiter if they need something like water or if they want to know where the restroom is. When we are at home, he gives the boys leadership roles. He will tell them, “Titus, you are in charge of calling daddy for prayer time.” Or, “Elijah, you will watch over your brothers and call me if there is a problem.” Or, “Edan, please make sure that you all don’t watch more than two cartoon shows. You are in charge.” He randomly assigns responsibilities so everyone gets the chance to be leader.

I’ve tried to be supportive of his attempts by making the boys serve themselves. My mom used to tell us, “whatever you can do for yourself, do for yourself.” So when the boys say things like, “I need water!” or, “I need a pencil! I don’t have a pencil,” I give them a look that says, “You know where to get water”, or “You know where to find a pencil.” And they go solve their own “problems.”

When it comes to settling their disputes and conflicts, I ask them to figure it out on their own first before coming to me. There was a time when I was a referee almost all day, every day! It was exhausting!

Of course my younger kids have a long way to go. Edric and I have to work at moving them further and further away from dependence.

The point is that we want our kids to be self-starters, to take initiative, and problem-solve on their own. So we give them opportunities to step up and encourage them with a lot of affirmation. So far it seems to be working, not perfectly, but we are getting there.

The kids are learning how to exercise leadership, initiative and be less dependent on us when they need something. For example, when Elijah was looking for the restroom during our lunch at Cyma, he went up to the waiter and found out where it was. Afterwards, he came out and said, “Mom, I know where the toilet is if you need to use it.” In fact, he escorted people from our table to the restroom so they knew where to go.

My other son, Edan, counted all 26 people who were in our group so we could get an appropriately sized lunch table and enough chairs. No one asked him to count, but he did to help out.

I found these gestures adorable in my young sons, but I am hoping and praying that they will translate to true leadership in the future.

In the meantime, my part is to help my boys move away from being “popcorn men!” What’s a popcorn man? Someone who waits around for others to solve their problem, who doesn’t know how to take initiative to help others or themselves, who complains but doesn’t take action to contribute or make a difference. He is also someone who “goes with the flow” instead of standing up for what is just and upright.

Date Your Kids

June 11, 2011 By 16 Comments

As a mom of four, I need to employ strategies to make sure that my children feel  equally special and important. This means finding ways to spend one-on-one time with each of them. It can be something as simple as walking over to a nearby convenience store or painting a picture with them. But the motive goes beyond just spending time together. I use these moments to mentor them, address heart-issues, and build our relationship.

Today I took my five-year old, Edan, to the grocery with me.  My two other sons played ball with Edric and it was Tiana’s naptime. So Edan and I had the later part of the morning all to ourselves.  I said to him, “I’m so excited to spend time with you. It’s just you and me today.” And then I assigned him the task of keeping my checklist and reminding me about what was on it. In fact, I discovered that Edan is a goal-oriented and focused person. First, he asked me, “How much money do you have?” I thought that was very cute. And I replied, “Enough. Don’t worry.”

And then as I took my time going through the aisles, he started to seem agitated. He kept on saying, “Mom, we should go to the toilet paper.” Or, “Mom, we keep getting things that are not on the list.” I tried to explain to him that there were other items that I needed to buy and even if he found that to be an acceptable explanation, he wasn’t able to relax until we got to the last thing on our list — fruit. This was his favorite part. In our home, we call him the “fruitarian.” He likes fruit a whole lot. So he was thrilled when I picked out one of those delicious Pomelos from Davao (one of his favorite fruits) and let him hold on to it. He actually tucked it under his arm and walked around with it for a while while I pushed the cart.

As I got to the last part of my shopping, I discovered a nice surprise about Edan — he thinks ahead. When we were nearing the check-out area, I had to leave him for a little bit at the end of the noodle aisle, and I went to grab a couple of things. But when I returned, he was not where I left him. Instead, he had managed to push the big cart all the way to a check-out counter that was free and was waiting for me there. “Wow! Thank you, hon,” I said and he beamed.

While I was paying, I said to him, “Go ahead and pick out something for yourself, you were a great help to mommy today.” He got a Crunch bar and a Kit-kat bar.  Since it was almost noon, I knew he was hungry and he wanted to eat them but I said, “you can eat those after lunch.” He said, “Okay, mom,” and sat on a stool beside me without fussing.

But when we got to the car, he asked if he could eat the candy bars again, and I replied, “Edan, sometimes we want to do something but it’s not the right time. That’s when we need to exercise self-control.” I went on to explain how self-control can be applied in his own life. And he added, “Oh yah, if I eat them before lunch, I won’t want to eat my lunch.”

We spent about two hours going to the grocery, shopping, and then driving back home together, but I felt like it was one of those priceless experiences when I got to know Edan better and appreciate him more. It was like being on a date with a little gentleman. During lunch, he proudly told Edric, “I took care of mommy!” He sure did!

Edan, my date for the day

 

 

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