Oh boy…I made a big mistake last night. I am very ashamed to admit it but my life has been such an open book on this blog that I might as well talk about it. Do not try this at home…
I am just going to go ahead and say it. I threw the TV remote control. I have never thrown an object across a room for dramatic emphasis in my life! The trajectory of its flight was propelled by my irritation and aggravation.
How did this all happen? Edric made a comment that I thought was inappropriate, but when I tried to tell him that, he thought I was over-reacting. He apologized and turned over to his side of the bed to fall asleep but I felt that he was not being sincere. I really should have just let it go. It wasn’t even a very big deal.
But a few seconds later, I flung the remote control towards the end of the bed and it fell apart. Jolted out of his peace, he sat me on the bed and asked, “What is wrong with you?! Are you possessed?!” He didn’t say it in anger but it was a decibel higher than usual. Possessed?! That seemed much. But I know I was…by none other than the ugly monster called MY SELF.
Stunned and confused, Edric wanted to discuss and analyze what instigated my outburst. I tried to explain to him what I was thinking and feeling. But in light of what I just did, it all sounded retarded. I was SOOO WRONG. I had to ask for forgiveness from him and from the Lord. I felt so ashamed, a spiritual failure, a wicked woman.
Edric was level headed and calm as he did a diagnosis of my spiritual health. As we sat side by side on the bed, he reminded me that my real error was not throwing the remote control but failing to be Christ-centered. He was right. That was exactly what my problem was.
The irony is that just earlier this week, I wrote a entry about how we need to turn to the Lord and find completeness in him instead of focusing on people and circumstances around us! And then I went and did the opposite of what I said! Waaaaahhhh. What a hypocrite!
Well I am writing this very honest entry to acknowledge how easy it is to fall from grace when I don’t let myself be controlled by Christ. When there is spiritual misalignment, I begin to focus on myself…what I want, what I need, my rights, my expectations.
God convicted me to reconsider the realities of following Jesus. It is a call to die to oneself, to surrender. I may not like to submit to or respect Edric when I feel wounded, unappreciated, dismissed, or treated unfairly. But that is not an excuse to disobey God’s principles. I have to remember that Edric is outside of my control. He is accountable to God and I am accountable to God. I need to focus on changing what I can in my own character, my attitude and actions. Instead of fighting back and asserting myself, I need to recognize that God’s hand is upon those who follow his ways. One thing is for sure. He is against the proud but gives grace to the humble.
“Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness.” (Psalms 33:18 NASB)
“For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His…” (2 Chronicles 16:9 NASB)
“But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE . Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” (James 4:6-8 NASB)
I really really wish I could have taken back that moment last night and erased it from the history of my marriage. Edric is my God-given authority and he deserves to be honored and respected because God asks me to. And he is the last person in this world I want to hurt.
Before we went to bed, I saw him tear and I felt so wretched. He was deeply wounded by my behavior. Yet he prayed for me and prayed for our marriage.
This morning, in the car, he turned to me and said, “You know I will love you no matter what. That won’t change.” I started to cry. He took my hand and kissed my cheek. I knew I didn’t deserve all that. I was still bearing my shame.
Tiana, who was the only child with us in the car, looked at me and asked, “Are you crying, mommy? Are you ok?” She was very concerned. I told her I did something wrong and I felt bad. She said, “Ohhh, you did something bad?” A few moments later, she followed up with, “Are you nicer now, mommy?” I know my two year old meant to ask if I was feeling better but the word “nicer” really made me think. I DO need to be nicer to Edric. I DO need to be sweeter. I DO need to be a more “gentle and quiet” spirit.
God used Edric’s forgiveness, graciousness and kindness to remind me that he is a God who covers sin with his love. He redeems and restores.
Edric took me on a date tonight. Me? His remote-control-throwing-wife! That’s grace! He told me God spoke to him. “Hon, God convicted me to be more understanding towards you and to be more patient.” His verse was…”You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” (1 Peter 3:7 NASB)
Our marriage is not a perfect one but Edric and I are committed to working through our issues and conflicts by turning to the Lord for help, for perspective, for answers and solutions. That’s the only reason why we are able to resolve ugly situations and grow closer through them. It is Christ who makes all things new!
Thank you Lord for dying on the cross for my sins and loving me no matter what. And thank you for a husband who loves you with all his heart, soul and mind and strength. Because of this he chooses to forgive me when I make mistakes and love me back to you!