Date Your Spouse

Edric planned a surprise date for us on the balcony last night. I didn’t suspect anything until the boys said they needed to roll down all the blinds. When their bedroom and ours looked unusually dark, I asked, “What are you guys doing?”

“We, uh, we want to make the room dark.”

“Huh? Why?” They were acting weird.

“We can’t tell you.”

“What? What’s going on?”

“We can’t say, mom.”

Of course this made me even more suspicious. I went downstairs and started grilling the househelp, and they evaded my questioning with chuckles.

There was no special occasion so I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was the second floor balcony was off limits. I wasn’t even supposed to take a peek.

I called the most likely suspect in all of this — Edric. “Hon, why can’t I go out on the balcony?” He said, “Basta!” which, in this instance, meant “Don’t ask.”

When he arrived from work, he took me upstairs and explained that he brought our date night home. He had coordinated with our househelp to set the table and light candles. It was home cooked food presented in a different setting but it was the thought that counted. Since we had a busy week to deal with this was the best way to spend time with one another, away from the kids, and do what date nights are for — CONNECT AND COMMUNICATE.

Our children were thrilled that we were in the house instead of out for dinner or a movie, and they did their best to avoid visiting the balcony to give us privacy. I sat across from Edric dressed in athletic gear which had been my garb for the day, and he was in his office clothes. It didn’t matter. We spent two hours up there talking.

At a certain point the kids came out one by one in their pajamas. Tiana drew me a picture. “Mommy, I made this for you!” Edan reported to me that Titus lost the marble of his science experiment kit. Elijah conferred with Edric about a stocks option. (Ok, wait a minute, I don’t remember seeing Titus. Maybe he was hiding because of the lost magnet.) The kids disappeared as quickly as they popped in to spy on us.

It turned out that Edric and I had so much to talk about. From our personal struggles, frustrations, joys and adventures, goals, parenting, ministry, work…Of course we also asked one another the most important question we ask on our dates: “How can I improve?”

Sometimes I dread hearing the answer to this question. Of all the days in the week, this is the day we have reserved for these types of conversations. As humbling as it can be, it has become essential to preserving good communication in our marriage. We have given one another the liberty to say what areas can change for the better. After all, we know one another most intimately. We see what others do not. Furthermore, asking the question, “how can I improve?” keeps the issues from compiling and compounding between us. Even if I don’t always like what Edric has to say, I know God speaks through him.

Edric told me three things:

1. Pray for him. He came back from a U.S. trip with a renewed passion for home education in the Philippines so I am excited to see how this affects his other preoccupations.

2. Do what he asks me to do, with a positive attitude. Whenever he makes a last minute request that requires me to rearrange my own schedule, I will do it, but I must confess that I complain or give him a hard time.

3. Pay attention to details in our home so I can be more organized. Generally, he thinks the home is orderly but he notices everything now. For example, he didn’t like the soap dispenser I was using in the kitchen or the inaccessibility of the hand towel. At first I was annoyed and defensive because it seemed like he was being a nit-picker. But then I thought, okay if it really matters to him, I can change. Why not? It’s just my pride. Plus, after I examined the soap dispenser and hand towel, I realized he had a point. The dispenser wasn’t efficient and the hand towels were positioned in an awkward location.

When he asked how he can improve, I told him one main thing: Continue to be patient and spirit-filled towards me and the children. (Like don’t make a big deal out of soap dispensers! Just kidding!)

Edric likes examples and specifics so I used a recent incident. I was late picking him up for his taping at ABS-CBN because I spent a longer time in the grocery than anticipated. This was my mistake and as a result, Edric was on edge. He tried to squeeze in a quick errand with Elijah, who was with us. They were going to set up his online bank account. Unfortunately, Elijah couldn’t remember his PIN number. Because Edric was in a hurry, he reprimanded him rather harshly.

I could sense that Elijah felt badly so I nudged Edric to console him with an apology. (Elijah was seated in the front so he didn’t see our interplay.) At first Edric resisted, claiming that his response was triggered by my lateness, but a few minutes later, he very sincerely apologized to Elijah.

During our date night, Edric received my suggestion with grace and humility, which I appreciated. After all, I was the catalyst for his ire. I was late when we had agreed on a specific time. However, he still took the observation positively and agreed to improve.

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Dialoguing about “how to improve” can be a sensitive discussion for many husbands and wives. So having a time and place to do so helps a lot. When Edric and I are in the state of mind to receive correction because we have agreed upon this aspect of our date nights, we tend to be more responsive rather than reactive.

I have written all of this to say keep dating your spouse. It may not be necessary to spend for a dinner out or movie EVERY week. For my parents, they take evening and morning walks. Whatever formula works for a couple, the objective ought to be improved connectedness and communication.

Here are the components of a REAL date :

– A real date can happen anywhere that’s conducive to private conversation. Venue is secondary to no kids running around vying for mom’s attention and distracting cell phones are set aside.

– A date involves open communication, where one another’s perspectives, feelings and insights are welcomed and affirmed.

– A date involves humility and grace to receive and acknowledge one another’s different perspectives, feelings, and insights!

– A date is purposeful — to connect and grow in intimacy, to get to know one another better so we can pray more effectively and love one another more deeply.

If these aspects are present during a “date,” I am certain it will be mutually enjoyable, too!

God’s intention and design for husband and wife is oneness. But we have to make the effort to safeguard this oneness. Don’t stop dating after you get married. Start having the best dates of your life!

Matthew 19:4-6
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”