Edric shared this article with me yesterday. It is worth reading if you are a homeschooler or curious about homeschooling…Want To Tell The State To Stick It? Homeschool Your Kids!
Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a foremost child developmental and clinical psychologist from Canada, made this statement during a talk he gave on Why Home Education Works…
“It’s not ever home educators that have to justify what they do, it is those who send their children to school that have to justify what they do.”
The theory he put forth was really quite amazing as he articulated the reasons why home education makes sense. He isn’t even an advocate of homeschooling. He is an advocate of child development. However, he very clearly stated that homeschooling provides the optimum environment for a child to mature in to a healthy and whole person who can achieve his fullest potential. Years of research and study show that a child was designed to be raised and educated at home because the most important element in a child’s development towards maturity is his attachment to those who are responsible for him (aka parents).
A study was done on 19,000 adolescents in the United States and the single most important factor in keeping them emotionally healthy was a strong attachment to a pairing adult.
He says, “The great advantage of home education is not that children are being educated at home but rather that they are at home with those who are educating them and that their attachments to their parents are more likely to be fully developed and safeguarded, enabling the child-parent relationship to serve as a shield against wounding and as a womb of true maturation.”
If a child’s attachment to his parents is developed and safeguarded, then the fruit of his development will be maturity. The fruit of maturation looks something like this:
A viable being who emerges as one who is
- Separate in his identity
- Full of vitality (not easily bored)
- Has a sense of agency and responsibility
- Is full of interests and curiosity
- Has a venturing forth energy
- Has a relationship with self
- Has a strong quest for independence
A resilient being, adaptive to stress and able to respond to it positively by
- Being resilient and resourceful
- Recovering from trauma
- Benefitting from adversity
- Learning from consequences
A social being, able to do ‘togetherness’ without losing his integrity or sense of self, able to integrate by
- Being well tempered
- Being considerate and civilized
- Being balanced
- Appreciating context
- Seeing perspective
- Having egalitarian values
He explains that at home, there are certain conditions present that foster maturation. At home, children have continuity of contact with their parents, preserving a deep attachment to them. In schools, children are not able to develop the same level of attachment to their teacher. They move from one teacher to another each year or have different teachers for each subject. There is no continuity of contact. Furthermore, schools separate children from parents and foster competing attachments with peers. Children will attach themselves to someone. If it isn’t the parents, the next best option for them is peers.
At home, parents take on the responsibility of pursuing their child relationally. This gives a child rest from the work of attachment. He doesn’t have to strive for the attention or affections of his parent. Only in a state of rest can there be growth. Neufeld explains that “our responsibility is to do the work of attachment, so our children can rest. All growth eminates from a place of rest. Emotional growth happens from the resting state. Unless an adult provides more than what a child is looking for, a child cannot grow. When we make children work for love or affection, they do not grow or mature.” Unfortunately, in school, children cannot rest. Their insecurities are exploited. Grades become more important than relationships. A child develops an addictive attachment to marks, grades and rewards.
Play is also a key condition for maturation. It is the home that provides the room and space for true play. Children can engage in self-initiated activity without the pressure of outcomes. In contrast, most endeavors to encourage play in school are still outcome-based and therefore, it isn’t true play.
When at home, a child faces less separation and experiences less wounding (ideally) so his heart stays soft and pliable. In school, there is much wounding that occurs, especially among peers. And when a child is continually separated from his parents, it triggers a flight from vulnerability and child develops a hardness of heart.
Unlike school, there is support for the maturity processes at home. Parents are better able and equipped to handle the stages a child goes through, the questions, and the struggles.
Neufeld uses the analogy of a plant to explain the importance of the attachment that children have to their parents. “What we don’t see is the most important part of the plant. It’s just like humans. It’s not what we see. It’s what we don’t see – the roots of attachment, the bonds, the connections.” If we did see these roots we could understand that children naturally seek those whom they are attached to. They want to be like those they are attached to. They want to be a part of and take the side of those they are attached to. They want to feel important and special to those they are attached to. They will give their heart to those they are attached to. And they want to be known by and reveal their secrets to the ones they are attached to. These roots are the womb of maturation.
I was moved when Neufeld asked the question, “When did your child fall in love with you? When did your child give you his heart? We were never meant to deal with children whose hearts we did not have. If you do not have the heart of a child, you will not have the context in which to bring them to their full potential. If you don’t have their hearts, you will not have their minds.”
The problem with school is that it can sabotage the conditions required for maturation by increasing the separation a child faces and fostering peer orientation. Since attachment is the most important thing for a child, nothing should break that continuity. We have to assure our children often, “Nothing will separate you from my love…not your attitude, not your behavior. I love you no matter what.”
If a child faces separation the dangers are Pursuit (fixes and fixations, clinging and clutching, hoarding and collecting) –> Alarm (anxiety problems, agitation and attention problems, adrenaline-seeking behaviors) –> Frustration (aggression, violence, and suicide problems) –> Defense-reattaching (peer orientation, routines and rituals, belongings and possessions, fantasy attachments) –> Defense Dominance (alpha problems, counter-will problems, bullying) –> Flight from vulnerability (emotional numbness, defensive blindness, defensive detachment)
How do we reduce these problems? We must reduce the separation between parents and children. Homeschooling is the antidote.
PLEASE NOTE: These are not my ideas. All credit goes to Dr. Gordon Neufeld for this information.
But now, my own thoughts…
I would like to write a quick reflection that takes off from Neufeld’s conclusion that the most important determinant of maturity in human beings is their ATTACHMENT to the adults responsible for them. I do believe that parents are key to a child’s healthy development. However, I would like to add that we are also spiritual beings. Therefore, we must not only foster an attachment between ourselves and our children, but attach our children to the Lord. We cannot let our children remain dependent on us, as parents. While the attachment may begin with us, at home, the attachment must transfer to the Lord. Otherwise, our children cannot realize their fullest potential. After all, their fullest potential must be considered in light of the Creator and his purposes.
I’m not disagreeing with Dr. Neufeld. His science is sound. But we are talking of something more than emotional and physical maturity. There is such a thing as spiritual maturity. And spiritual maturity comes from our attachment, our relationship to God.
I was at a convenient store with Edan, when he said, “I want to get something for Elijah because he got me something last time. I want to get him a snack.” I watched him go through each aisle thoughtfully, looking for a snack that Elijah would appreciate. He picked up a soymilk drink and a bag of oatmeal cookies.
It blesses my heart when my kids think about one another and do random acts of kindness for each other without being asked to. And while many people may question the socialization aspect of homeschooling, I really believe that socialization is so much more than children getting along with their peers and learning to make friends.
I think the broader definition should be about raising kids who show compassion, who know how to respond to people who are hurting, lost, or need a friend, who choose to respect others, and look beyond their own wants to seek the greater good of others. Often times, the harder context to develop these qualities is in the home.
My kids annoy each other almost daily and they behave selfishly on occasion. Their capacity to tolerate and accomodate each other’s differences is really put to the test. Because they are homeschooled and have a whole lot of daily interaction they have to learn to get along. Character traits like deference, thoughtfulness, benevolence, and joyfulness must be applied. Our children also have to practice humbling themselves to ask for forgiveness and choosing to extend forgiveness. In the process, they understand what love really means. They realize it’s so much more a choice than a feeling. But by choosing to love one another, they develop an affectionate loyalty for one another. They treasure each other.
The Bible tells us, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”(Luke 12:34 NASB) Similarly, our children need to be taught to invest in the lives of their siblings. The more time they spend together, the greater the bond between them.
I remember just a few years back, my two older sons would constantly react to Titus. They would get so frustrated with him because he couldn’t really communicate well and he wasn’t able to play by their rules. He would knock down things they would build and he was a nuisance when they attempted to include him in their games. It got to a point where Elijah, my eldest, really struggled with being loving and kind towards him. He broke down in anger one day and I had to sit him down to talk. I explained to him that his responses to Titus were incredibly important. If he demonstrated unconditional acceptance towards Titus, Edan would do the same. And Titus would surely change and improve as he matured but he needed to feel our love. It was difficult for Elijah to change his attitude but he tried his best.
Two years later, and my three boys are inseparable. They always want to be together and Titus is very much a part of that trio. Without him, their fun wouldn’t be complete.
Titus is now learning to accommodate Tiana’s personality. But having bigger brothers who have shown him what it means to look out for a younger sibling has helped him alot. He has exhibited the kind of patience and kindness toward Tiana that I hoped he would. Of course, Tiana can be a pest at times and she knows how to harass her brother, Titus. But Edric and I are working on her character, too.
I remember a homeschooling friend who told me that socialization is about teaching kids the hierarchy of relationships — God, parents, siblings and then others. Children must first understand who they are in relation to God and how much he loves them, followed by parents reaching out to their children to pursue them relationally, and children learning to love their parents and siblings. Afterwards, relating to others comes naturally because a child’s most fundamental longings for relationship are fulfilled.
While I may not be a sociologist or psychologist, I have seen this ring true for our family. Our children’s first and best social context has been the home.
A photo of our sons, three years ago…
A majority of the time, homeschool kids are not weirdos who can’t relate well to children their age. But, I do believe parents have to give their kids opportunities to interact with and learn along-side other children because there are some very important benefits of social interaction.
They don’t NEED to be with their peers on a daily basis to have a learning advantage but they can learn how to cooperate, share, wait their turn, imitate positive behavior, listen to instructions delivered by other adults or older children, respect other people’s property and things, mind their manners, apply contentment, encourage one another, assist others and share the gospel…to name a few.
Personally, one of the reasons why I like to get the kids out and about is this: I get to observe facets of their personalities, commend good character and identify areas of improvement. So Edric and I give our children varied and diverse social experiences as part of their homeschooling.
For our little brood, Edric and I do the following: We let our kids hang out with their cousins often. They attend regular music classes, sports activities and weekly playgroups. As often as possible, they also accompany Edric and I to our activities where they learn to communicate with adults and behave in socially appropriate ways like not picking their noses, speaking too loudly, or saying excuse me when they need our attention.
Thankfully, cooped up at home does not describe our children (and most homeschoolers). But, allowing our children to have lots of social interaction has its “risks.”
Our kids do encounter negative peer pressure and “undesirable” examples in other children or grown-ups. The key, however, is that we come alongside them to help them process and identify how to respond to the behavior they see in others. Most of the time, they are pretty open and will ask their questions. And our kids, like all other kids in the world, are not impervious to negative peer pressure. But we try to disciple and mentor them, so they have a fighting chance against it.
Yesterday my boys came up to me chuckling and partially embarrassed as they told me that they had a classmate in Taekwondo who was calling other students “Booby and Boobs.” Yet another classmate was saying “Barbie-butt.” (I don’t even know what that means.) Granted, these terms are not as bad as hearing elementary-aged children cussing.
My boys started cracking up as they told me this and I tried to be calm. “Do you know what boobs are?” I asked my boys. They explained. And I said, “Well, that is a private part and you don’t need to say the same things your friends do when it is not appropriate.”
“Yah, we know.” They also revealed that one of their good friends called booby-boobs friend “evil witch!”
“Well, that wasn’t nice either.”
I asked them, “What is our guideline for the words we speak? They must be glorifying to…” And they finished the sentence with,”God!”
I have already come to accept that homeschooling cannot bubble-wrap protect my kids from the world. And homeschoolers aren’t a perfect breed of children who always behave and act in the ways they should. (This includes my own.)
Like all other kids, homeschoolers need parents to spiritually mentor them and shape their character so they are equipped to stand for what they believe. Edric and I don’t always get it right but we are committed to do the following:
– First, we introduce our kids to Jesus Christ and trust in the transforming work of the Spirit of the Lord. “Jesus is the author and perfecter of faith.” (Hebrews 12:2a)
– Next, we build bridges to the hearts of our kids by spending lots of time with them and communicating to them that they are loved, precious, and special to us.
– We train our children so they develop essential character traits — the foremost of these is obedience. (Proverbs 22:6)
– We pass on faith and what it means to love God, seek him and live for him. (Deuteronomy 6:4-7)
– We tell them that God has a plan for their lives and a purpose that is unique to their gifts, abilities, and personalities. (Jeremiah 29:11)
– We teach them to reject sin while loving the sinful and the broken to Jesus. The Bible tells us, “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor…” (Romans 12:9, 10 NASB)
– We equip them with social graces to convey respect and appreciation for cultural, societal, and racial differences in people because God loves all people and we should to. 2 Peter 3:9 tells us that God desires for all to come to repentance.
– We give them guidelines for choosing the right friends –friends who are wise and share the same biblical values.
“How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.”(Psalm 1:1-3 NASB)
– We teach them to point people to Jesus by sharing the gospel and living in a way that attracts people to Jesus.
– We encourage them to make it their highest goal to glorify God in everything they do (2 Corinthians 5:9).
– We pray for our children as often as possible, knowing that the task of raising them is beyond our capacity.
Homeschooling is counter-culture but it does not have to produce children who are socially awkward or disconnected from other children. They can be in the world but not of the world. More importantly, they can see greater purpose in winning friends and influencing people.
I don’t believe in isolationism because we are supposed to go out there and be a light for Jesus. Our kids are starting to get this. More than once they have asked me how they can share the gospel. I have tried to give them examples from my own experiences but they have to experience it for themselves. I can feel that time will be soon and I am excited! In the meantime, my encouragement to them is to live like Jesus is present in their hearts so that God can bring them the opportunity to share their faith when they are “socializing” and mingling outside of the coop.
I don’t want to be biased without proof, so check out these statistics that show how homeschoolers are doing better than other students in the area of academics. You decide…
(This link was sent to me by Grace Flores Osio via Facebook)
Edric was interviewed on Talk Back with Tina Palma on ANC along with Assistant Secretary of Department of Education, Jess Mateo, homeschooling mom, Moira Bunyi and her son, and homeschool graduate, Julia Garcia. The question Tina was trying to answer was “Is homeschooling an effective alternative to regular schools“?
I thought the interview went very well but they inserted comments and opinions of parents and educators who did not really know much about homeschooling. And their biggest argument against it was SOCIALIZATION.
Ahh, the big myth. No surprise there. This is the never-ending argument against homeschooling, which, in my opinion, is an unconvincing one. Here are two of the more notable points raised by random texters and sidewalk interviewees:
1. It is NECESSARY for children to learn from their peers and with them.
2. Homeschoolers have limited socialization therefore it is a disadvantageous education.
I would like to present a case for homeschooling that debunks the socialization claim. But I will begin with certain premises.
Premise # 1: God created people to be relational. In the garden of Eden he said it is “not good” for man to be alone. So he made a “suitable partner” for Adam — Eve. In the same way, it is not good for a child to be alone. A child needs relationship.
Premise # 2: The family is the first and most important social unit — Husband and wife, then parents with children, and siblings with one another. Every society will agree that the family is fundamental to the survival of their values, cultures, and traditions. The is no debate here. Just go online and research “What is the most important social unit?” and you WON’T be surprised with the results — FAMILY.
Premise # 3: Children who grow up in a Christ-centered home where they feel loved and secure in their relationships with their parents and siblings will not be as peer-dependent. I would like to use my siblings and I as a case in point. But you can ask and interview a whole lot of homeschoolers who grew up with the same set of circumstances and they will probably tell you the same thing. You can also ask non-homeschoolers who grew up with the same set of circumstances and they will probably tell you the same thing.
Given these three premises, I would like to say that socialization cannot be the strongest argument against homeschooling or a strong argument in favor of conventional schooling.
Since the family is the most important social unit in a child’s life, this relationship should have precedence and priority over peer relationships. The school system, which keeps children away from parents for most of day, makes it difficult for parents and children to have quality time together and to connect relationally. The school system promotes peer relationships by lumping children together with the same people (class sections) who are of the same age (grade level) for extended hours each day.
Given that children are relational and long to be accepted and valued by others, they will gravitate towards certain persons within that environment. Some will choose good friends and some will choose bad friends. These relationships will become more and more significant to a child, so much so that they will begin to share the same values and behaviors. A loyalty towards one another will be solidified over time (“barkada”).
Personally, this is what concerns me…So great a premium is placed on socialization without really considering the kind of socialization that schools foster. Schools are committed to educating children and they try their best to do so. Children must be grouped by section and leveled for any sort of teaching to get done in an orderly and systematic way. And there are many excellent teachers out there who genuinely care for the welfare of the children they instruct. However, teachers and educators cannot regulate peer influence. It is something outside of their control even if it is birthed within the walls they have erected.
Furthermore, the claim that it is necessary for children to learn from their peers and with them is true only because the school system cannot give each child individualized instruction. Therefore, children must be grouped together. The best teacher cannot customize instruction for all forty children. It is unfair to even expect this. So the social aspect of education where children learn along side other children is not so much a necessity for learning as it is a means to educate many children at the same time when you only have one teacher.
The other claim, that homeschoolers have limited socialization which disadvantages them, is a perceived “con” amongst those who misunderstand what social development really is. Homeschoolers are not so concerned about whether their children are socialized. They are more concerned about who their children socialize with and how they behave socially.
Children are encouraged to develop relationships with their parents and siblings first. Parents pursue their children relationally. They have lots of time during the day to grow close and fellowship beyond the pragmatic levels. And many homeschool parents introduce their children to the most important relationship of all — with the person of Jesus Christ. With the formation of healthy relationships in the home, children are less prone to look to friends for affirmation or self-worth. Their needs are fulfilled by their relationship with God and with family. Therefore, they do not need friends to fill their emotional tanks. Instead, they can focus on being a blessing to others. They socialize out of security and completeness. In this sense, then, homeschoolers are not socially disadvantaged. Rather, they are better equipped to make friends and influence people positively.
But I must refer back to Premise # 3. Not all homeschoolers practice Christ-likeness at home. (A majority do.) And having a Christ-like home where parents and children love God, obey, serve, and worship him, and love one another is not exclusive to homeschoolers. This is not about superiority of lifestyle choice. Any family who chooses to make Christ the center of their relationship will experience the blessings of socially well-adjusted children who know how to treat others with respect and consideration if their parents have purposefully taught them to do so in accordance with God’s word.
I am not trying to say, “homeschool your children so they will be the best socialized children in the world.” My proposal is this: if socialization is so important then teach your children to love God, love family, and love others (in that order), and model this at home. But don’t say that schools are important because of socialization. Our children need relationship, but in the context of family before the context of school. And don’t also say that homeschoolers don’t have socialization. They are some of the most secure, sincere, and friendly people I have met and interacted with because they know they are loved by the persons who should matter most — God, parents, family.
My two older sons sat through Sunday service to watch and hear their dad preach. At one part during the message, Edric admitted to the audience that, “I still struggle with irritability towards my wife and kids from time to time but by God’s grace, I am improving.” The theme of his talk was “Pursuing Intimacy with God through A Heart Makeover.” He was nearing the end of the morning’s sermon when he revealed that bit about his heart.
Elijah, my eldest son, was seated beside me and he whispered to me, “Dad is so honest! He does get irritated sometimes but he says sorry right away and we forgive him.”
He said this so candidly and without any hint of hurt or bitterness. Edric does lose his cool once in a while. But, he has changed so much over the years. This is really the Lord’s doing (I used to get so reactive when he would snap at the kids, but “correcting” him would backfire, so I chose the better alternative — praying to God while acting respectfully towards Edric. That worked!)
Hearing Elijah’s comment taught me a valuable relationship principle. A home must abound with humility and forgiveness. My dad used to say, “keep short accounts.” Don’t let anger or hurt linger, especially among family members. Growing up, I remember that our family was quick to say sorry and willing to forgive immediately. We saw our parents model this. When they would make a mistake, they would sit us down and talk with us. They would humbly admit that they were wrong and ask for our forgiveness. If they had disputes with each other and their “discussions” became public, they would apologize for the way they spoke to one another in front of us. This meant a lot to us kids. We saw how conflict was resolved and relationships restored easily when people practiced humility, forgiveness and grace.
Edric and I are trying to cultivate this same kind of relational atmosphere in our home. Our children know that we are imperfect people. But they also know that we are committed to becoming better and our standard is to keep maturing into Christ-likeness.
Periodically, we will also ask our kids, “How can we improve?” And they will give their suggestions. This keeps us from repeating actions that damage our kids emotionally. It also keeps our communication channels open.
Recently, I was counseling a friend whose parents were verbally and physically abusive (more verbal than physical.) After their outbursts of anger, they would act like nothing really happened and expect their children to “move on.” But their actions had compounded negative interest in the heart of my friend. She lived with a lot of resentment and pain.
As God continues to work in her life, she is slowly breaking free from the emotional bondages that have prevented her from loving others without fear. But their is still residual junk from the unhealthy way her parents dealt with their parenting and relational mistakes. I believe in God’s time, she will experience complete breakthrough because she has surrendered her life to the Lord completely.
We really need to think through the repercussions of how conflict and offenses are dealt with at home. The way we apologize, forgive and extend grace to family members will carry over into our children’s future families.
When I don’t feel like forgiving others, I remember that God has forgiven me a debt I cannot pay. He has shown me undeserved compassion and loved me enough to die for me. Therefore, who am I not to forgive?
You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate. “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:36, 37 NLT)
“…I am slow to anger
and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.
I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.
But I do not excuse the guilty.
I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren;
the entire family is affected—
even children in the third and fourth generations.” (Exodus 34:6, 7 NLT)
Homeschooling four kids can be tiring from time to time so I enlist the support of my older children to create an atmosphere of cooperative learning in our home. I ask Elijah and Edan to be my “teacher assistants” which results in the following benefits:
1. It builds my kids’ confidence when they are entrusted with the task of teaching their siblings. They appreciate the responsibility and derive a sense of satisfaction when they help others.
2. My kids re-learn content and have to use their knowledge in new and practical ways. They have to explain ideas or how to do a task in a way that their younger sibling must be able to grasp.
3. Coming to the aide of a sibling strengthens their relational bond because they look out for each other’s needs and seek to meet them. Valuable character traits like patience, perseverance, deference, and understanding are practiced and applied.
4. Learning also becomes a shared experience, which keeps younger siblings from feeling left-out when I am doing one-on-one teaching. Everyone can stay preoccupied with purposeful activities.
5. My younger kids, who look up to their older brothers, are motivated to achieve the same level of skill or knowledge that their older siblings have and they develop an interest in being homeschooled, too!
So, when people ask me, “Is it hard to homeschool several kids?”, the answer is yes and no. It is challenging to manage time between all of them but cooperative learning makes it easier and fun. This is helpful strategy parents can use when homeschooling more than one child.
It’s been a wonderful week of bonding with my brothers and sisters. We are complete as a family — four sets of married siblings with ten children between us, a sister who is about to be married, and my parents.
Being able to reconnect and fellowship means alot to all of us because it does not happen often. (Two of my siblings live in the US.) So this week we have maximized every moment – sports, games, sharing meals, walks, conversations around the table, shopping, etc.
I am grateful to my parents for the bond that exists between us siblings. Our spouses also get along so well. It seems that everyone fits together like a glove. Looking back, dad and mom did two very important things when we were growing up. First, they made family time a priority and they made it fun. As children, we spent the majority of each day with one another.
Secondly, they introduced us to Jesus and discipled us individually and collectively. The most common denominator we share till this day is our faith in Jesus Christ. He has been the center of our family, holding it together through the years, preserving the bond of unity, helping us to love one another and forgive hurts and offenses. It is this spiritual connection that keeps us close despite the physical separation and different life stages we are in.
Personally, I feel that our family reunions give me a foretaste of heaven — the joy, completeness, security, and connectedness. (Of course, heaven will be more about Jesus than anything else.)
I remember that people used to say, “Your family is not normal, most people don’t have families like that.” And I had to talk to my dad about this because I felt bad, like it was a negative thing to have a good family. So I said something like this, “Dad, people don’t think our family is normal because we don’t really have relationship issues, our home is happy, and we all get along so well.” Then he replied with a statement that really struck me. “That is NORMAL, hon. God designed families to be that way.”
In other words, there was and is nothing unique about our family. We simply applied biblical principles for family relationships. As a result, one of the blessings has been that till this day, we enjoy each other’s company immensely.
This doesn’t mean that we don’t have our discussions, varying opinions, or that our children never provoke or incite each other. But by God’s grace, there is no bitterness, unresolved hurt, or anger. When we get together, we share a whole lot of laughter and meaningful dialogue. The relational atmosphere is light and easy.
One day, I hope that we will not have to live so far apart. Till then, I am reveling in this little bit of heaven!
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31, 32 NASB)
This is one of the most beautiful passages on relationships — Romans 9:12-21.Personally, I feel that it gives some of the best guidelines for healthy social development. If our children can internalize and practice the guidelines in this passage, they will be a blessing to the whole world and bring glory to Jesus Christ!
I spent some time explaining each concept to my kids. Reading through it again with them made me evaluate my own relationships with people. I have to improve in many ways! May this passage bless you as it blessed me and my kids…
Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave croom for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:9-21 NASB)
Can I really homeschool? Read this article on homeschooling misconceptions and decide for yourself.
My encounter with homeschooling began as a child, at about the age of 9, when my parents decided to pull my siblings and me out of a Chinese school so we could all be homeschooled. After praying about it for a year, my mom waited for my dad’s “go” signal to do it. Though initially reluctant about the radical move, within a year’s time, God moved in his heart and he wholeheartedly gave my mom the blessing to homeschool.
It was one of the best decisions my parents made for our family. From this point on, the homeschooling experience rooted itself into the core of my being. I believed then as I believe now that it is a superior education with superior benefits. Yes, this may sound like a biased opinion, especially since my siblings and I transitioned and navigated through high school and college without difficulty. However, I have also met hundreds upon hundreds of other homeschooling families who share the same sentiment because they have seen the results in their own children. The conventional school set-up cannot compete with the tailor-fit, customized education that homeschooling provides.
Since this was my perspective from the moment I first became a mom, homeschooling was my number one option for my children’s education. So when I was asked to write an article on the misconceptions about homeschooling by HAPI, I must confess that because I was sold on it from the very beginning I wasn’t one of those parents who had a whole lot of fears about educating my own children. But these misconceptions do exist and they need to be addressed. Often times, it is these very misunderstandings about homeschooling that prevent people from doing it. (Please be aware that these misconceptions are localized to the Philippine setting but include data from the Philippines and the US.)
Misconception # 1: Homeschooling is only for out-of-school youth, sickly children, actors or actresses who need a flexible education, or conventional school rejects.
When Edric and I attended the Homeschooling Forum organized by the Department of Education last year, it felt like we were sheep among wolves. We were there with representatives from TMA Homeschool and other homeschooling organizations to present best practices for home education. Sadly, the opinion of educators is that homeschooling is an alternative – when no other option makes sense or exists. Edric did a great job of presenting a case for home schooling by sharing achievement test scores and giving a profile of homeschooling families in the Philippines.
Facial expressions changed as school owners, principals, and Dep Ed officials realized that homeschooling is a superior education. From sceptically uninformed, they became curious and wanted to know more.
A majority of the time, parents choose to homeschool because they believe it is a better education. But the journey to this point may vary for each family. Some will do their own research. Others will attend orientations (and attend again). Or they will observe other homeschooling families whom they know and see a positive difference in the children. Still others will proceed with sending their children to a conventional school but never quite feel peace or satisfaction with the outcome. A good number will actually be disgruntled with their child’s school experience and seek out homeschooling as an option. And yes, there are those whose children need special learning conditions because of health reasons or because they are professional athletes or in the entertainment industry.
Families may homeschool for a number of reasons, but more often than not, it is a choice made with considerable thought, planning, and analysis of pros and cons.
Misconception # 2: Homeschoolers are deprived of healthy social interaction.
This is a favourite. I have yet to meet a homeschooled kid that does not know how to make friends or engage in conversation. In fact, the longer a child is homeschooled, the more confident and outgoing he becomes. Now, there are some aberrations. If parents are teaching an only child and they live in a remote provincial area cut-off from the rest of humanity, then yes, that child may struggle through the friend-making process. Yet, the majority of homeschoolers attend playgroups, coops, see their friends often, and are enrolled in all kinds of enrichment classes.
On one occasion, my eldest son, Elijah, had a neighbour friend over to play. They were talking about school and this friend of his said, “You should go to school so you can have many friends.” Elijah responded, “You have no idea how many friends I have. I have so many friends I can’t even count them.” And it’s true! My children may not be with their friends every single day, but they have many opportunities to socialize.
Yet this is not the most important consideration. As parents, we need to correctly understand social development. It is different from socialization. A child sitting in a classroom with 8 year olds all day long, every single year, is not in a normal social environment. This isn’t the condition of the real world he will one day be a part of.
The most natural social environment is the home – where children develop healthy relationships with their parents and siblings, with the Lord, and then with others. Sharing, deference, respect, kindness, forgiveness, and submission to authority are key traits of good relationships. And when these are learned at home, they are applied outside of the home.
Misconception # 3 – Homeschooling is cheaper than conventional schooling.
To this statement, I have to say that homeschooling is as reasonable and as expensive as you make it to be. It can be cheaper because you eliminate the high cost of tuition, transportation, uniforms, daily allowances, and packed lunches. But as a homeschooler you can also spend alot on field trips, music, art, PE classes, books and materials, or an umbrella program. You decide on what is worth the cost.
My family may spend less or more than others. The education we pay for goes beyond books and materials. We expose our children to activities that enrich their learning experience. Some families, however, will spend even more. They will take their children on quarterly trips out of the country or they will enrol them in so many different classes so they can learn art, several musical instruments, and different sports. It’s really a matter of personal preference when it comes to cost. Spending more or less, however, does not spell the difference between a better education and a lesser one. A parent’s involvement and teaching is what makes homeschooling a better education, not cost.
Misconception # 4: Parents can’t teach their children if they aren’t professionally trained.
I love to explain this one. Personally, I believe that parents make the best teachers because we know and love our children better than anyone. We have the motivation to help our children succeed and we have the sensitivity to detect whether they are “getting it” or not. Besides, homeschooling is not like teaching a classroom (teachers are better at this because they have been trained to manage large numbers of children). Academic instruction in the home, however, is done one is to one. It is tutorial in nature.
A parent sits down beside her child to explain concepts, dialogue, interact, monitor, and encourage the learning process. She doesn’t need to be an expert at every subject. The greater challenge is being patient, unconditionally loving, positive, flexible, and having the wisdom to address character and heart issues. Most of all, a parent needs to have a higher purpose for teaching. These are more important qualifications than having a teaching degree.
Removed from the institutional learning environment where the pressure to excel and succeed is very high, it is actually easier for a parent to encourage the love for learning in the relaxed environment of a home. In school, a child must keep up with the pace. A teacher cannot suspend the lesson plan to cater to the minority in the classroom who are falling behind. Each child is expected to learn the same way everyone else does and to cope. If he does fall behind, he must be tutored at home or by a professional, or he is put in another “section.”
In contrast, a parent is better able to respond to her child’s learning needs. She knows when her child doesn’t get a topic, when he is struggling through a lesson, or when it’s too easy for him so that he gets restless and bored. A parent is very much aware of the facial expressions, gestures, posture, disposition, and attitudes of her child. She can spend more time on a topic or go quicker through a lesson. And because she is the parent, she can prioritize the instruction of her child’s heart – his character – which will, in turn, make him more receptive to her teaching.
I often challenge parents to ask themselves, “What is the goal of my instruction?” Is it merely to teach required subject matter? Is it to make sure they get a good job, profession or business that will provide for their needs and for their future family?
All of us need to define what life success is for our children and teach them in that direction. In our family, Edric and I have based our definition on God’s word. In Deuteronomy 6:4-7 it says that parents are to love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength and to teach this to their children. Therefore, the goal of our instruction is beyond academic success. It is to raise our children to love God with all their heart and live for him, which will impact everything they become and do in the future.
Misconception # 5: Homeschooling is only for religious people or Christian conservatives.
In the past, I would have said this was true. The homeschooling movement in the Philippines began with Deuteronomy 6:4 to 7 as its originating conviction. But, as the movement has grown, many families are choosing to homeschool because they believe homeschooling is a superior education, and not necessarily because of a biblical mandate. They want their children to learn outside the context of a four walled institution. Or, they want to have control over what their children learn. Recently, Newsweek published an online article entitled, Why Urban, Educated Parents Are Turning to DIY Education, that explains how parents are opting to educate their own children because they believe that family is important. (http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/01/29/why-urban-educated-parents-are-turning-to-diy-education.html)
In the US, for example, homeschooling is no longer limited to Bible-believing Christians. It is gaining popularity because of its benefits, which are relevant to all families. Dr. Brian Ray, who is the foremost researcher in America for home education presented the latest findings on reasons why parents homeschool:
- customize or individualize the curriculum and learning environment for each child,
- accomplish more academically than in schools,
- use pedagogical approaches other than those typical in institutional schools,
- enhance family relationships between children and parents and among siblings,
- provide guided and reasoned social interactions with youthful peers and adults,
- provide a safer environment for children and youth, because of physical violence, drugs and alcohol, psychological abuse, and improper and unhealthy sexuality associated with institutional schools, and
- teach and impart a particular set of values, beliefs, and worldview to children and youth.
Misconception # 6: My children’s academic future will be compromised.
I can present data and facts about how well homeschoolers do academically. But there are certain realities that parents also need to consider. Parents may opt to homeschool independently or under an umbrella program. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. Independent homeschoolers run the risk of getting denied entrance into conventional schools that require report cards and grades, regardless of how well they do on their entrance tests. Independent homeschoolers must also take and pass the Department of Education’s Validation Test if they want to receive credit for the levels they studied at home. But independent homeschoolers can fully customize their child’s education which many parents find desirable. They are not required to follow the grading system or an organization and have a free hand to choose curriculum and materials. Many independent homeschoolers also band together and share best practices with one another.
Families who are connected with an umbrella organization or homeschool program often have to comply with the program’s requirements for promoting a child to the next level of instruction. They also have to subscribe to the organization’s philosophy of education. While certain programs offer flexibility in terms of curriculum choices, not all programs have this option. But families can easily transition into the conventional school when they feel their children are ready. Umbrella programs have a relationship with the Department of Education which allows them to credit the work accomplished by a child enrolled with them. Children are issued report cards and documents that schools require. Homeschool programs also offer a sense of community for families and a support system that includes trainings, events, and even music, art, and PE classes.
Academically speaking, homeschoolers do just fine. They often excel when they enter the conventional school because they are self-directed learners who are motivated to work hard and have acquired good study habits. Results borrowed from TMA Homeschool’s achievement testing, for example, show that nearly 50% of homeschooled kids perform 2 grade levels higher than their school-going peers in Math, Language, and Science. And most of their students get into their school of choice.
U.S. homeschooling statistics show that…
- The home-educated typically score 15 to 30 percentile points above public-school students on standardized academic achievement tests. (The public school average is the 50th percentile; scores range from 1 to 99.)
- Homeschool students score above average on achievement tests regardless of their parents’ level of formal education or their family’s household income.
- Whether homeschool parents were ever certified teachers is not related to their children’s academic achievement.
- Degree of state control and regulation of homeschooling is not related to academic achievement.
- Home-educated students typically score above average on the SAT and ACT tests that colleges consider for admissions.
- Homeschool students are increasingly being actively recruited by colleges.
Personally, I believe that academic success is a natural by-product when parents focus on teaching their children character and values. Responsible and disciplined children study well and do their best!
Misconception # 7: Homeschooling my children will mean giving up my job, career, or business.
I’ve often been asked the question, “Can I work and homeschool?” If you are a supermom, then yes. But I will be honest with you. Homeschooling is a full-time job. I’ve got four kids and if I had an 8 to 5 job I wouldn’t be able to commit what is necessary to give my children quality instruction time. But I have known some pretty incredible women who homeschool and have a part-time job, or at least a flexible one that allows them to control their own schedules. However, it is not the ideal set-up. Something gets sacrificed in the process because it is not easy to manage homeschooling, work, motherhood, wife duties, etc and give your 100%. It can be done but it is exhausting. Moms either burn out or have to make a choice. A better option for a woman who wants to supplement her husband’s income is to start a home based business. This keeps her accessible and available to her children, and allows the children to contribute and help out in the business.
When Edric and I conduct pre-marital seminars or counseling, or when we speak at marriage retreats, we share a simple principle. PRIORITIES. Priorities will determine whether homeschooling + working is the best choice for a family. We encourage people to follow this order of priorities — God, spouse, children, work/ministry, friends. If work or ministry makes a woman unable to follow her order of priorities than something has to change. But if she can efficiently manage homeschooling and work, without compromising her hierarchy of priorities, then why not?
Misconception # 8: I’m not patient enough to teach my own children.
Welcome to the club. Honestly, no homeschooling parent has perfect patience. I’ve interacted with hundreds. This is a common struggle.
I never realized I was impatient until I started homeschooling! Homeschooling my children exposed my weaknesses and failings. It made me want to be a better mom, to make the changes necessary for maximum impact in the lives of my children. However, this was not enough. I had to come to a point of recognition that I am limited. If I do not walk with God or have a personal relationship with him that is deep and intimate, I do not have a reservoir of grace to draw from when I teach my kids.
A parent who enters into a personal relationship with Jesus experiences victory over weaknesses and sin, and receives his enablement. Some of the most effective homeschoolers I know are committed followers of Jesus who understand that parenting is a spiritual journey that requires spiritual empowerment.
Last September 2011, Edric and I were able to attend the HSLDA conference in Branson, Missouri. (The HSLDA conference is a gathering of homeschool leaders across America that happens yearly.) I felt intimidated at first. Edric and I were much younger than everyone. I met and listened to families who have been homeschooling for over twenty years. Some had homeschooled for thirty years! (The average number of children per family was 7.) What made these parents effective homeschoolers was not their perfect attitudes or personalities, it was Jesus Christ in them. That is the secret to good parenting and good homeschooling!
So can you homeschool? I definitely think so! But this is something you have to weigh and consider carefully. Now that you have had the misconceptions clarified, it is time to research, attend parenting seminars, homeschool orientations, talk to other homeschoolers and their kids, discuss the possibility with your spouse, and pray for discernment.
 Brian Ray, RESEARCH FACTS ON HOMESCHOOLING (as of January 2011.) National Home Education Research Institute. http://www.nheri.org/research/research-facts-on-homeschooling.html
 TMA Homeschool’s Achievement Testing as of December 2011. 198 elementary students tested.
 Brian Ray, RESEARCH FACTS ON HOMESCHOOLING (as of January 2011.) National Home Education Research Institute. http://www.nheri.org/research/research-facts-on-homeschooling.html
Then I asked the kids to make cut-out art pictures. We also had animal cookie cutters and sugar cookie dough for the kids to play with. When the cookies were baked, the kids put icing on them. The most fun they had, however, was just running around the backyard playing some kind of soccer game. They were outdoors for nearly two hours but that was their favorite part of today’s playgroup.