“You shall not commit adultery.” Exodus 5:14
Let me begin by saying that adultery is emblematic of our heart condition above all else. When Jesus said, “but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” he was elevating our understanding of unfaithfulness to our spouse to include the impurity we think and entertain in our hearts. (Matthew 5:28)
This higher standard is needed today more than ever, when marriage between a man and a woman is under attack from all sides. Whether it is a government’s attempt to redefine what marriage is, Internet sites like ashleymadison which blatantly advertise having an affair, the rising addiction to pornography, or the erosion of our own moral consciences due to the lack of healthy role models at home and around us (especially as glorified in the media), the game plan of the evil one is the same…corrupt God’s design for marriage by enticing a husband and wife with sin.
A sin like adultery doesn’t always begin as a bold declaration of defiance against God’s will and purpose for us. Many times we are hooked in ever so gently and deceptively ensnared. James 1:14 – 15 tells us, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.” I like how James reveals to us a very important antidote for resisting sin, especially sexual sin…Do not awaken desire.
A few weeks ago, one of my sons was in a hardware store with me. We got to the check-out where a magazine rack displayed all kinds of magazines with covers of skimpily clad and partially nude women. My son was deeply upset. “I can’t believe this!” He said, huffing and puffing. He turned his head away and started to pull off each of the magazines and flip them over! Because he wasn’t looking at them as he did so, it was hard for him to get them back into their slots on the rack.
I watched him, a little bit embarrassed, as it seemed like a rather extreme reaction when he could’ve just turned his eyes away. Did he really have to rearrange the magazines in front of everyone?! But then I realized, this was a good thing. He was acting on a conviction. For him, seeing a picture of a sexy woman makes him vulnerable to thoughts of impurity. So he did what he had to do to protect his eyes and turned all of the covers around.
Of all the sins in the Bible, we are told to FLEE sexual immorality. “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18) Don’t venture near it, don’t hover around it, don’t dip your finger in it. RUN AWAY!
Last Sunday, Edric asked me to share practical tips on how to avoid adultery. Interestingly, someone wrote our church and was very upset, saying that we were imposing OUR values on the congregation which were not biblical and that we were a deeply insecure couple. The other accusation was that we were telling married persons that they cannot have meaningful relationships with the opposite sex.
To the first criticisim, that we were passing on unbiblical values, my response is this: Since the Bible tells us to flee immorality, what is unbiblical about saying we must do whatever it takes to safeguard our marriages? 1 Peter 5:8 reminds us, “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” The evil one is a crafty opportunist. If we don’t have our guards up, anyone of us is susceptible to infidelity.
To the second criticism, here’s the reality…illicit relationships very often began as harmless, well-intentioned relationships with the opposite sex. Furthermore, affairs tend to happen in the workplace more so than in any other setting. Since women and men work closely with one another and spend alot of time together, it is unwise to have “meaningful” relationships with the opposite sex as a married person. To clarify, the word meaningful is different from being friendly, courteous, respectful, and kind (which we ought to be to all people). Meaningful connotes a deeper kind of friendship that crosses over to personal.
Dr. Liz Curin writes, “Over the past half century, women have entered the workforce in increasing numbers. In today’s economy, it is almost a luxury for a woman (or a man) to remain full time in the home and raise children. And so women and men have become accustomed to working closely with each other, particularly as the feminist agenda has continued to push for full and equal participation in the workplace. The reality is that many men and women spend more time with their coworkers than they do with their spouses. They engage in more conversation about both work and non-work-related matters. The emotional intensity of workplace demands can contribute to the forging of strong emotional bonds.” (Source:Atlanta Psych)
85% of affairs begin in the workplace. Think about the amount of time you spend with your spouse vs. the amount of time you spend with co-workers. Day after day, maybe 40+ hours a week, you and your colleagues share the ups and downs of work; you bond over projects, successes and difficulties at work. The close interaction, travel, and unavoidable closeness may lead to strong friendships and emotional attachments outside your marriage. The workplace provides opportunity and proximity to people outside your family. Women’s increasing entry into the workforce has correlated with a rise in the number of affairs women are having. It’s no wonder the workplace is the most common place affairs start. (Source:Good Therapy)
No one connives to tear apart their marriage by having an affair unless their conscience has been blackened by years of compromise and sinful choices. Usually a person begins to develop a “meaningful” relationship with someone who isn’t their spouse and a connection and attraction begins to form between them.
This is precisely why Edric asked me to emphasize the need to draw the line in marriage. Draw the line to protect it against adultery way before the choice becomes about sleeping with someone who isn’t your spouse.
Our own personal boundaries may have seemed extreme as I shared them with the audience, but they were meant to be examples of how one can avoid adultery rather than personal values we were trying to force upon people. Everyone has to determine what extent is necessary for them to guard against infidelity. As for Edric and me, one thing we have found necessary is to avoid being ALONE with the opposite sex.
When Edric was in the corporate world, he did not have coffee or share a meal with a colleague who was a woman. He wouldn’t ride with a woman colleague in a vehicle to meetings either. If he really couldn’t get out of a situation, he would invite another officemate to join him or call me first to let me know.
Edric also applied being cautious when it came to hiring an secretary or assistant. He would ask me to meet any woman he planned to hire so that I could help him make a discerning choice.
Furthermore, when he designed his current office, he used glass walls so everyone can see what’s going on inside. All his private meetings with any woman who works for him are actually public.
As we began to be more involved in ministry, we also followed the CCF policy of “Do not counsel the opposite sex alone.” For example, when a woman asks for Edric’s advice, whether it is in person, via text, email, or social media, Edric will invite me into the discussion and ask me to be the one to minister to the woman, or we do it as a team. When a man gets in touch with me to ask for advice, I connect him to Edric.
No one is impervious to an affair. In fact, speaker and author, Francis Kong says that if you want to protect yourself, “avoid the ambush of overconfidence.” The devil uses all kinds of avenues to tempt us or make us fall in the area of purity. So Edric and I also draw the line when it comes to Facebook and other forms of social media and digital communication, too.
I used to dream about a certain person from my past, someone I used to have a crush on. I had no more feelings for him but one day he tried to get in touch with me through social media. I remember feeling a twinge of excitement. When I asked Edric if I could respond to him he was like, “No way! Don’t communicate with him at all!”
At first I reacted, but since this person was someone I used to be attracted to, I followed his advice. An article published in Psychology Today reveals that “Social networks are clearly another factor (for extramarital affairs) – if only to expand the pool of possibility. Emotional friendships that turn physical are the traditional point of entry for female affairs. Now, it’s very easy for those friendships to take root online. Some argue that social networks are merely an expediter; and that cheaters will always find a way. Still, if you’ve never quite gotten over your prom date, chances are you can find him.” (Source: psychologytoday.com)
Statistics from illicitencounters.com (yes that’s the name of the site!) and other legal studies show that divorce and Facebook are significantly correlated with increased flirting and illicit online affairs. In a study conducted by a law firm, out of 5,436 divorce cases a total of up to 1,087 cases cited that illicit affairs started with the social networking site Facebook. (Source: facebookcheating.com)
Edric and I aren’t paranoid about every person who reaches out to us on social media. We do give them the courtesy of a response. But we are careful about not carrying on casual chats or frequent friendly exchanges with the opposite sex on social media channels.
When Edric started to become a TV personality, he had a lot of women trying to get his attention through social media. One time there was a woman on Facebook who kept flirting with Edric. She would send him random messages to strike up a conversation or dialogue. She was very attractive and young, too. In other words, danger, danger, danger. I praise God that Edric ignored her even when she accused him of being a snob. And when she kept persisting, he finally “unfriended” her so she would get the picture.
Sometimes a person is obvious about their intentions, other times the invitation to dialogue is malice-free. The point is we all need to apply cautiousness, and be transparent with our spouses. Both Edric and I include one another in exchanges with the opposite sex if the conversation involves more than a few back and forth responses. Other couples actually have a shared social media account.
Another challenge surfaced for us when Edric started doing corporate speaking engagements around the country. This began right after I gave birth to my fifth child so I couldn’t go with him. To protect himself, Edric found a way to include Elijah in all his talks. He made it a point not to travel alone. The added blessing is Edric and Elijah have bond together as father and son, and they can maximise the nice hotel rooms by enjoying them together!
Author Ted Haggard writes, “So many times, I’ve seen men and women get into trouble when they travel away from home because they believe that no one will ever know what they do when away. This is a lie, and it will always come back to haunt you. In Genesis 38, the Bible tells the story of Judah, who went on a business trip. When he arrived at a distant town, he saw a prostitute and approached her to sleep with her. But he didn’t have any money to pay her, so he had to give her some personal items as a down payment. Of course, everyone knew those items belonged to him, and soon what he had done in secret, far away from home, was a public matter. And, again, we’re reading about his hypocrisy thousands of years later. His actions have brought shame to his entire family for many generations. It’s just not worth it. I remember an old tent preacher saying, sin will take you further than you want to go; cost you more than you want to pay; and keep you longer than you want to stay. (Source: Letters from Home. p. 20)
The reality is even if Edric and I have all these lines drawn around our marriage there have been instances where we had to deal with “issues.” I remember years and years ago he confessed to me that he was attracted to someone at work. He had to perform with this woman in a corporate show for his company and dance with her, acting like she was the woman he loved. As a result, the feelings spilled over into real life!
When he opened up to me about his feelings of attraction, I was hurt but I also realized that he was trying to be honest. Praise God he told me when the feelings were just beginning to bloom. So we talked about it, and by God’s grace, it was as if a spell was broken, as Edric put it. Whatever infatuation he was feeling went away when he brought it to the light.
This became a template for us. Today, we talk openly about purity so that hidden struggles don’t fester or grow into bigger problems in our marriage. But I also realized that it helps to put on the “best friend hat” so we can talk about our struggles without feeling like we will be judged or rejected for our honesty. It’s not easy to lay aside pride to do this! But as issues surface, we work through them and pray to overcome them, only by God’s grace.
I also have to add that meeting each other’s need for sexual intimacy is important for safeguarding against adultery. Edric has told me that it’s very hard for a man to keep his heart and mind pure when he is deprived of sex. We counsel a lot of couples and this is a common problem, even among young couples. As wives, we can have all kinds of excuses – pregnancy, breastfeeding, the kids, I don’t enjoy it, I can live without it, etc…But I will never forget what a pastor’s wife once said from the stage, “Have sex with your husband at least once every three days. Scientifically, that’s as long as they can go without it or they become vulnerable to temptation.” If this number doesn’t work, then perhaps a husband and wife can discuss how often is healthy for them. And be creative. Don’t let your sex life become boring. Talk about how you can better meet each other’s sexual needs and desires.
Sometimes the problem is that our concept of sex has been programmed by wrong role models, past relationships or the media which can have a negative effect on our sexual intimacy. So as added protection, Edric and I avoid movies, tv shows, music, or other forms of media that give us the wrong kinds of sexual appetites. And Edric tries his best to keep himself “porn-free.” (Before we got married this was a big problem in his life, which he openly shared when he spoke last Sunday.)
In an article published by GQ Magazine, author Scott Christian of the NoFap commnunity site argued that porn can lead to physical addiction, a decline in sexual satisfaction with one’s mate, and decreased sexual performance. This conclusion was based on surveys of 75,000 people committed to quitting porn and masturbation. For those addicted to porn, arousal actually declined with the same mate, while those who regularly found different mates were able to continual their arousal, Christian wrote. It’s known as the Coolidge Effect, or novelty-seeking behavior. Porn, after all, trains the viewer to expect constant newness. (We don’t want this to happen to our marriages!) However, he also pointed out that the survey showed that there is hope for the addicted, with 60% of those who embraced the “nofap” (no masturbation/porn) challenge saying that they saw an increase in their sexual functions…
Since women are wired a little differently, one of the ways that Edric protects me from adultery is he meets my emotional needs. He makes me feel loved, cherished, appreciated, prioritized and important. To do this, we have weekly date nights where we can enjoy each other’s company. And he will ask me, how can I improve as a husband? This keeps my emtional tank full and makes me less likely to seek out the affections or attentions of a man.
God created sex to be a powerful and amazing way to cultivate intimacy between a husband and wife. It’s supposed to be something we want to share with our spouse in marriage. Sexual desires are intended for our spouse. When we experience sex outside the context of marriage it is destructive to us as individuals, to our marriages (or future marriages if you are still single.)
When God gave the command “Do not commit adultery,” he had our best interests at heart. And when Jesus explained what adultery is, he clarified our understanding of this sin so that we will draw the line far away from it. Why? As the next two verses will attest, God is after our greatest good. His commands are meant to bless us…
“The law of the LORD is perfect, restoring the soul; The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple.” Psalms 19:7
“For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome.” 1 John 5:3
So never ever think it is normal to do it (outside of marriage) because everyone else is doing it. Let’s not lower our standards and rob ourselves of the wonderful intimacy God designed for marriage. Normal as God intended is a husband and wife enjoying trust, security, open communication, oneness of purpose and identity in Christ, and sexual pleasure. That’s God’s normal for all of us; that’s what Edric and I pray to have; and that’s why we try to draw the line far away from adultery.
Amen! Praise God! Wonderful and true..God bless you more..your marriage and ministry!
Thank you! Praise God indeed!
I praise God for you Joy. As a 16 year old who is an avid reader of your blog, I love the insights that you share in order to strengthen each other as members of Christ.
Thank you so much,
Levy
Praise God thank you!
Thank you for yet another helpful article, Joy. Your sincerity and honesty never fail to drive the point home. I just have one question: should sex between husband and wife be geared towards procreation, or can they do it simply to meet each other’s sexual needs (in which case they might opt to use protection)?
Perfectly said! Praise God for this wonderful article. Will share this.
Thanks for this great read! oftentimes, we forget that its the small safeguards that help us keep faithful to our spouse. Keep on inspiring with your blog posts! 🙂
Thank you very much.
Hi Ms. Joy! I’m really blessed with your life. Continue to be an inspiration to others. God bless you more!
Hi Ms. Joy! I’m really blessed with your life. Continue to be an inspiration to others. God bless you more
Adultery punishment in the Bible’s Old and New Testaments:
Exodus 5:14 “You shall not commit adultery.”
Deuteronomy 22:22 “If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die.”
Leviticus 20:10 “If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife–with the wife of his neighbor–both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.”
Proverbs 6:32 “But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.” He destroys himself by being put to death as shown above.
Leviticus 21:9 “And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.” Why should only a daughter of a priest gets burnt to death if she profanes herself? Why can’t this law apply to all daughters?
Deuteronomy 25:11-12 “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.” This doesn’t make any sense what so ever! Why should the woman get her hands cut off for defending her husband? It’s not like she was cheating on him or anything like that!
We clearly see that adultery causes death from the Verses above. Let us see what Jesus peace be upon him said about adultery:
Matthew 19:9 “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Wouldn’t this cause the man to be put to death?
Mark 10:11 “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.” Again, wouldn’t he then be put to death since he would have committed adultery?
Mark 10:12 “And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” Same question I ask about the women who are considered have committed adultery. Wouldn’t they be put to death also?
Luke 16:18 “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
The question here is: Would an adulterer in the New Testament be put to death?
Important Note: If what’s right and what’s wrong is determined by our society only and not by the Bible, then what is the use and the point of having the Bible then? Is this a fair question?
So how did Jesus (who is God) treat the adulterous woman who was about to be stoned? He did not downplay the law. He just said “LET HIM WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE.” And then He let her go and said “Go and sin no more.”
So if you want to stone some adulterer to death go ahead. Just make sure you are without sin. “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.”
Dear Anonymous whoever you are,
You mean John 8:1-11? Does it really justify fornication, adultery and pornography as many Christians believe?
Let us look at John 8:1-11:
1 But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.
3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group
4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.
5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”
6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.
7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”
8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.
10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Many Christians use these verses to justify fornication and pornography. We all know well that the Bible contains the most disgusting Graphic X-Rated Pornography. And the use of John 8:1-11 does indeed raise a great concern to Morals and Ethics.
For one thing, it is the biggest mistake for the citizens of the Christian to use John 8:1-11 as an excuse for the sexual sins they commit against GOD Almighty. When Jesus peace be upon him refused to stone the woman, HE ACTUALLY REFUSED TO BE A HYPOCRITE!
Have he ordered the stoning of the woman, he would have been indeed a hypocrite, because people in charge of authority back then were not following anything in the Law properly. He even called them “hypocrites” in several occasions; see Matthew 6:2, 5, 16, Matthew 15:7, Matthew 22:18, Matthew 23:13, 15, 23, 25, 27, 29, Matthew 24:51, Mark 7:6 and Luke 13:15 in the Bible. So why punish the weakest citizen and leave the cause of the corruption?! That was the Message that Jesus peace be upon him gave to the people back then. Notice that John 8:6 clearly says “They were using this question as a trap”, which clearly means that the situation of John 8:1-11 was no more than a trap to make Jesus peace be upon him make a mistake. That’s why HE DIDN’T ALLOW THEM TO OUT SMART HIM AND FORCE HIM TO GIVE ANY JUDGMENT AGAINST THE WOMAN. Jesus peace be upon him didn’t in anyway nullify the Laws of GOD Almighty regarding punishment for adultery.
Keep in mind that when Jesus gave the above mentioned laws regarding what he considered adultery, he gave them during the time when he spoke highly of the Old Testament’s Law:
Jesus orders Christians to follow the Old Testament’s laws: “Do not think that I [Jesus] have come to abolish the Law (the Old Testament) or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke or a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law (the Old Testament) until everything is accomplished. (Matthew 5:17-18)” It is quite clear from these verses from the New Testament that Jesus peace be upon him did honor the Old Testament and did say that every single “letter” of it has to be honored, followed and fulfilled. “Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: ‘The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach.’ (Matthew 23:1-3)” We clearly see in these verses that Jesus peace be upon him did not prohibit for the Old Testament to be followed, but only warned his followers to not follow it the way the current religious leaders of the Law (the Jewish Rabies) were following it.
WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE BOUNDARIES FOR SINNING in the Bible, to help the Righteous be guided and given the proper directions to remain straight and not be led astray?
If it’s ok in Christianity to have sex before marriage, ok to live with someone without marriage (like boyfriend or girlfriend), ok to have anal sex with the same gender (Sodomy gays tomyloot!), ok for people to expose most of their bodies (by wearing bikinis for instance), ok to spread wickedness among society, then:
WHAT’S NOT OK TO DO THEN?!! AND WHY DID GOD DROWN TO DEATH THE PEOPLE OF LOTT AND NOAH THEN? DIDN’T THEY DO THE SAME EXACT THING AS ARE DOING TODAY FROM SODOMY, AND ADULTERY ILLEGAL SEX W/O MARRIAGE??!!
You need to relax and look for another place to share your Islamic propaganda. We worship Yeshua the Messiah here, not Mohammed 🙂 That’s great you’re reading the Bible! Keep on reading and may the Holy Spirit guide you into all truth.
Sexual immorality is not ok in Christianity. Just because some people who are doing that call themselves Christian does not mean they are indeed Christians. Muslims think that being born in a certain place and being born to a Christian family makes a person Christian. It does not. It is compliance with the Word that makes one a Christian.
@Facundo is Joel
In reply to your ‘important note’, society’s perception of what is right and wrong differs from one another, just as how our opinions do on a certain subject. For example, if you had accidentally killed someone who was trying to kill you in self defense, does this make you a murderer? The person who had killed might say that they are innocent, and that they had killed in order to protect themselves; others may not agree. In the same way, the notion that “love wins” has two sides. Because I love my cat, can I marry it too? Love wins, right?
In order to avoid this slippery slope and the line blurring between what is acceptable and not, the Bible explicitly lays down the guidelines. 🙂 God’s standards and society’s standards can be different. And as members in Christ, we choose to live by His word. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9
I hope this clears the question up! I’m currently studying about the differences in perception through English and I thought it would be nice to share my thoughts.
God bless! 😀
Praise God for this article!
I am honored to witness Edric and Joy messages last August 9, 2015 at the CCF. Thank you for the Inspiration.
I’m quite alarmed by that person who wrote CCF to say that you are imposing your views on the congregation (implying that not everyone shares the same views or the congregation does not agree with these views?). Was that person referring to views about premarital sex or adultery?
I pray that the day will never come that CCF (its leadership and congregation) will water down their standards to comply with the world’s standards just like many Apostate Churches in the world today. I can think of a few very wealthy and famous megachurches who refuse to stand up for what God says in the bible for fear of offending their church members who opt to be lenient in their lifestyle and sexual morality. This is the Laodicean church. May CCF NEVER see that day!
I was a former adulteress and I had a promiscuous sexual lifestyle in my younger days even though I was born into a Christian family. I have since repented and even today, I remain single and abstain from sex despite having suitors and despite the temptation of loneliness often times – it’s a greater burden to sin against your own body and God. Jesus’ burden is easy and his yoke is light.
I certainly don’t agree with that letter writer and I pray that majority of CCF doesn’t either. Preach on Joy!!!
I agree with this person who was alarmed with that letter. Joy and Edric, you may not know me but I will really pray for you. You just don’t know how your lives have positively made an impact to my marriage. My husband and I have grown closer to God and to each other because of your example. Thank you Joy and Edric.
Since we got into CCf, I have always been excited to hear from God. I always describe it as every Sunday is like a “retreat” for me.
It somehow bothers me that more and more eloquent speakers and writers are beginning to spread their ungodly standards. They confuse the minds of many Christians and I have to be careful myself.
I also pray that our standards in CCf would not be lowered down to what the world wants. Thanks to the obedience of Ptr Peter, Deonna, Joy, Edric and other pastors.
Hi Joy,
I really enjoy reading your blog and I feel enlightened by a lot of your insights. While I wouldn’t go as far as saying your teachings are unbiblical, I do feel the need to express some of my thoughts after reading this particular entry:
1. What does God say about purity of intention and trust not only in a marriage, but to our fellow human beings as well? I agree that we should not be naive and oblivious to the potential danger/harm others can bring us (not just as married couples, but as individuals as well). However, the approach you wrote about makes it seem as if we should be innately distrustful of people if they happen to be of the opposite sex – like we should doubt, or even fear, their intentions with us. It creates a wall between people. On the other hand, one might say such measures indicate mistrust and lack of faith in one’s SELF, to begin with.
I believe that people of the opposite sex are capable of maintaining meaningful friendships with each other WITHOUT crossing that line of intimacy. Safeguarding a marriage is very important, but there is also something to be said about making room for individual growth in a couple. One person/one family/even several members of the same sex cannot teach you everything. Shared experiences make you a better person and contribute to the way you see and process everyday things.
2. In some parts of your entry, it seems as if women are indirectly blamed for an issue that concerns BOTH the husband and the wife. Women entering the workforce should be celebrated, not cited as a reason behind the growing rate of infidelity – as if their mere presence (despite their achievements and contributions to a company’s success, which yes, oftentimes entails working closely together as team) should be approached with caution and not appreciation. I understand that Edric is self-employed and therefore has more control over his work arrangement, but what about regular employees who happen to have female bosses? I just think it does a disservice to all that women do in the workplace, especially those who work with passion, integrity, and honesty (those who do not take back-door measures to climb the corporate ladder), if their success comes with such a charged caveat.
Also, a woman’s physical and emotional availability to be intimate with her husband (once every three days, as you suggest) should not be a direct contributor to the man’s ability to keep “his heart and mind pure”, as if he would not be able to without meeting that requirement. Of course it is healthy (even necessary) for a married couple to have intercourse often, but a man with intent to protect his marriage and stay away from adultery will not suddenly lose his bearings if his requirements for intimacy is not met on such a hard schedule. In my opinion, it puts a lot of pressure on a woman to be responsible for her husband’s integrity in addition to safeguarding her own.
I hope these comments do not come across as abrasive. I’d love to hear your thoughts as well.
Camille,
Joy is afterall a woman blogger and so she is expressing her thoughts from a woman’s perspective and what we as women can do proactively. Please read the article again and try to do so objectively.
Camille. I’ve heard this argument before. And I am a personal witness to it. I had many male married friends. I became friends with their wives too. Some of them were good natured, others tried to take advantage of our closeness and tried to have an affair with me. Many times I resisted. Other times I gave in to temptation. I’m only telling the truth. Humans will always be humans. Given enough opportunity and sooner or later the sin nature will catch up and snare us.
Ok how about those nice guys who can stay friends without overstepping the line? I know a girl who has dinner with her married guy friend almost every other night. Every Friday night at least. They share intimate conversations. The guy has tried to invite her to go to a spa with him (that’s one step more intimate than private dinners). She said no. She prides herself for remaining just friends with him and tells people who criticize her that she’s not pregnant.
They may not be having sex but does this situation sit well with you? If you were the wife would you think that this meaningful relationship were perfectly alright? You be the judge.
Dear Joy,
PLEASE BE STRONG. THE LORD IS WITH YOU. Many will do their best to make you feel tired of inspiring others through your lives. Please don’t get tired of speaking, writing and sharing your thoughts. What you have shared last Sunday at the service was one of the most encouraging messages I have ever heard. I can see how your standards are aligned to what the Lord wants from us.
It is sad how people will try to reason out when they feel God’s standards do not serve them well. If it doesn’t fit their lifestyle, their desires, they modify and reason out as they wish.
I can see how much you love the Lord and your life has brought me closer to Him.
I will pray for you. Blessings!
Sincerely,
Fatima
Hi, Joy!
Your blog is so timely. Praise God for women , like you, who stand for what the Word of God says.
I totally agree with everything you said in this article. Keep on blogging the Truth.
God bless you and your family.
Thank you Joy for such transparency and sincerity you display in here especially that this item is very delicate to discuss. Your sharing of your marriage journey with Edric and the vulnerabilities you’ve both went through is both noble and selfless to even be bringing it here in your blog. i praise Jesus who has nurtured this spirit in you and Edric. May i extend blessings for your marriage here? i bless you and Edric with an Adultery-proof marriage, that honor and truth will reign in your hearts and that through this you will produce generations of men and women who will courageously claim the word of God and stand by it. I also bless you and Edric with special covering and preservation from all judgement and schemes of the enemy as you stand to bring the truth to many couples and families through your advocacy and testimonies; i also appropriate the shed blood of Jesus as a covering to all your children, Elijah, Edan, Titus and Tiana and Catalina that they will be shielded from the ploy of the enemy because of your front line ministries towards family equipping and restoration. …in Jesus Name, we claim this all Amen!
I will surely print this write up and discuss it with lanlan. Thanks again. God bless
I so love this blog and so is the message of Edric. Edric and you had always been a blessing to us as a couple. You’re such an inspiration. I totally agree with your blog. We need to draw the line. In fact we need to move back farther than the line. This is to guard us from falling into temptation too close that it wouldn’t be possible to run from it. I’d like to recommend also to some readers to see/ listen to Pastor Andy Stanley’s “The Best Question Ever”. It’s beautiful series on making decisions in many aspects of our lives.
Again, Thank you for your life.
Amen. Very well said.
Hello, Joy. Thank you for this insightful article. I also read the comments. Please do not think that I am nit-picking. I really am not. Lol. I just need to correct your use of “elicit” in
“To the second criticism, here’s the reality…elicit relationships very often began as harmless, well-intentioned relationships with the opposite sex.”
I think what you wanted to use was “illicit”. Again, I am not a basher nor a grammar nazi. I just think it helpful to correct, no matter how small the error is. I am not perfect.
Why am I so defensive!?
God bless.
Ha ha ha! I will correct it. Yikes! Thank you so much!
Hi, you are absolutely right. That is exactly what happened to my marriage. It was only me practicing the above things you said not because I am part of CCF. But because its common sense. I always thought I was cute enough to get into trouble should I let my guard down. Haha. But seriously it is one thing to know yourself and another to strive to live on a righteous path because we as human beings just need to always be vigilant so that each day we can look ourselves in the mirror and have a clean conscience.
My husband sad to say never thought boundaries were important. He always thought so highly of himself in the sense of being handsome (as all of us believe of ourselves deep inside- confidence) but what was dangerous was that he loved being important and he loved being admired. That spilled over into the workplace and the result was many affairs with coworkers who at one point or another were going through difficult things in life which made defenses weak.
Also we turned to counselling, but he also formed an affair with his female counselor and co-participator that it destroyed her marriage too and only opened her eyes to compare her hubby with mine. She thought he was “better” but as we all know, the grass is always greener next door but in reality its the same grass as in everyone’s yard.
The result: 2 family units gone. Children with single parents. And us spouses on both sides of the fence that got left behind picking up the pieces.
I will never forget how my husband used to laugh at me when I told him about the “rules” and boundaries I set for myself long ago. I still stick to them now that I am a single parent.
I believe that even though apart, as long as there is the covenant of marriage, then it is still adultery. Many times I wish for a partner in life but life sometimes does not work out towards what we want. We just have to accept.
It is lonely most times but at least I can say that the righteous path really makes sleeping at night a whole lot better in many ways.
Wow I really admire your resolve! I am so sorry about what happened to you. That’s so terrible. But I also believe that God can redeem what happened to you. May you experience God’s love and faithfulness despite the loneliness and disappointment. May he bless you exceedingly and abundantly for choosing to honor him!
I am not Christian, but many times what you guys preach just make a whole lot of practical sense to me that I closely follow your work.
But I also know that many Christians like my husband and his woman who spout many Godly verses and such do not necessarily mean they will be saved. It just makes them look better.
As my ex husband used to say, God will never forgive me or accept me for being unable to let bygones be bygones. For always remembering the bad things that happened. I remember not to condemn. I remember to never forget that I should not be like him. Being Christian or Catholic does not mean that we be very holy in my book, it means loving yoru neighbor as you love yourself. Treat others with the same dignity you afford yourself.
Yes I agree with you. We should have a high standard for ourselves but be gracious towards others. Only God can judge our hearts. We should not be condemning towards others. Plus, it just turns people away from Christ, whether we are Catholic or Christian when we are hypocrites. If I ever come across that way or if others who say they are Christians do so, I apologize on our behalf!
Thanks to my father who informed me concerning this blog, this web site is genuinely remarkable.
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