I Will Worship in My Pain

I am so used to being someone who is healthy and well, rarely sick with a cough, cold, or the flu. Yet in the last two weeks, I have had days of low grade fever and body pains, apart from uterine contraction pains, and uncomfortable gas that seems to be trapped in my intestines. Because these symptoms aren’t always predictable, I have been through a roller coaster of emotions. Some days, I am cheery and upbeat. Other days, I just want to be alone and curled up in bed, ignoring calls and messages, and avoiding social media channels.

I have random crying moments or feel deep melancholy. And I don’t want to think of myself as depressed because I am not emotionally non-functioning. However, there is definitely a sadness I am wrestling with.

While I am grateful for Caylee being healthy and strong, and I tell myself that she is a gift and a blessing, there are moments when I actually regret having another baby as a 41 year old. I don’t regret precious Caylee. Instead, I wish I had tried much earlier, perhaps two years after Catalina had been born, and then said goodbye to childbearing years.

This is not what I expected…to feel like an invalid, to be a burden to my family, to pull away from them emotionally, and to be away from them physically, for most of each day because I am stuck in my bedroom, on the bed.

Thankfully, Edric has taken over the parenting of our other kids. He’s got them on a schedule, he attends to them when he gets home from work, and they are enjoying board game time, outdoor exercise and play with him. He’s been incredible, really stepping up so they don’t feel my absence too much.

What makes this recovery confusing is that some days, I can go to the mall to watch a movie like Aquaman because I feel stronger, and other days, I wake up feeling like I have been punched and beat up so badly. I will get the chills, bundle myself up, and then my body ends up overheating, and I drench my clothes at night from sweat. My temperature also fluctuates throughout the day. The gas and constipation don’t help either. It’s crazy! I have never experienced this.

I know there are people out there with chronic diseases, and much worse pain, people who are dying from cancer or other incurable sicknesses. So I am not saying that my pain and physical struggle are much more significant. Nevertheless, each day is wearing me down spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Pain killers help every now and then, but I don’t want to take too many because of the side effects.

Since my doctor said I have no infection, no major problem internally, I just have to endure this stage of recovery until it ends. Apparently, having many children makes each post-partum recovery more painful.

I have finally concluded that birthing six kids is no joke! I pridefully made light of it, relying on past history — the ease with which I bounced back to my pre-pregnancy state in terms of energy. Three days after Catalina was born, I was pushing a huge grocery cart in S&R, happily doing some shopping. I felt great!

This sixth birth swayed the pendulum over in the opposite direction. It’s like life was vacuumed out of me. So when people have been messaging and posting comments like I am a super mom, I look at myself and I just want to cry. This is the most un-super I have ever felt. I am a super broken person right now.

It’s not knowing when this state of neither here nor there, confusingly painful days and occasionally, more hopeful ones, will end that troubles me so much. When will I be myself again? When will normalcy return? When will I be able to wake up feeling recharged and full of life and energy, not the opposite, where I want to curl back into bed and sleep away the disappointment and the discomfort.

It hurt to hear my second son, Edan, comment, “Mom, I miss you smiling.” I didn’t know what to say. I missed me smiling, too!

Today, I broke down again. And I asked the Lord, “Teach me how to have joy. Teach me how to rejoice amidst the struggle. I know you command us to give thanks in everything, I want to be able to do this.”

God answered both my questions through his word…

The first Psalm of my quiet time was this:

“How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, Having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken. But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.” (Psalms‬ ‭13:1-6)‬ ‭

Why can I rejoice? God is my savior. He has blessed me beyond what I could ever have hoped for or imagined in this life and in the life to come.

The next passage I read was this:

“You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” (Psalms‬ ‭16:11‬)

Where is joy found? Joy is found in God’s presence. He’s the source of joy. It’s not circumstances, people, possessions, or accomplishments. It’s being with him, being in a relationship with him. It is knowing he is always there, that He loves me, even when it doesn’t feel like it or seem like it.

To further encourage me, I listened to a song by Lincoln Brewster called, While I Wait.

Deep within my heart
I know You’ve won
I know You’ve overcome
Even in the dark
When I’m undone
I still believe it

I live by faith and not by sight
Sometimes miracles take time

While I wait I will worship
Lord I’ll worship Your name
While I wait I will trust You
Lord I’ll trust You all the same

When I fall apart
You are my strength
Help me not forget
Seeing every scar
You make me whole
You’re my healer

I live by faith and not by sight
Sometimes miracles take time

While I wait I will worship
Lord I’ll worship Your name
While I wait I will trust You
Lord I’ll trust You all the same

You’re faithful everyday
Your promises remain
You’re faithful everyday
Your promises remain

Though I don’t understand it
I will worship with my pain
You are God You are worthy
You are with me all the way

So while I wait I will worship
Lord I’ll worship Your name
Though I don’t have all the answers
Still I trust You all the same

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NswPPVgMaPE

My conclusion is to worship the Lord still, just as the lyrics declared. I used to think that worship means you have to be jumping up and down with delirious joy in God’s presence. Yet there is a kind of worship where you bow down and surrender your longings for relief, for better days at his feet, and you weep and wail before the Lord, and you come before him honestly about the pain and the discouragement you feel, and it’s him that you seek with all your heart, it’s him that you look to and call out to when you feel the darkness rising in your soul, when the unanswered questions plague you with doubt, and you choose to find your refuge and rest in his presence instead of anything or anyone else.

I have no answers to why I am experiencing this difficult time. There is no sign off in the distance the marks the end of it either. Physically speaking, it could be that I have hit my threshold for the number of children I can bear without my body seeming to fall apart. That’s it for me. But I think this is also God’s way of pruning me, of leading me through one of the valleys of my life, where it’s just Him and me.

Edric can’t relate to what I am going through, neither can my kids. As much as Edric tries to be there for me and to offer his help and support, I feel very much alone most of the time. So this is between God and me, a journey He is making me take with Him. It terrifies me on the one hand because I do not know where He is leading me, but I trust in His faithfulness. I worship Him for His faithfulness…

32 thoughts on “I Will Worship in My Pain

  1. Joy i am praying for your recovery. I am encouraged by your faith and how you choose to look at the current situation. You are still a super mom, because you are a mom after God’s own heart.

  2. What a blessing this testimony is. So mamy others like you are going through the same pain, fluctuating energy, and situation. To know that we worship through the pain.

  3. Miss Joy, I am praying that you’ll stay strong and find God in every situation. I believe you’ll come out triumphantly in this battle of yours… “But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thess. 3:3

  4. Thank you for sharing. I had exactly the same emotions when I had my baby a year ago. Having baby at 40’s is never easy, especially after 12 years from the last one. Like you I regret not having another one earlier but couldn’t imagine life without her, our saving grace. Again, thank you for your bravery. Praying that every cells in your body regenerates quickly from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. You are an inspiration. God bless you and your family. xx

  5. Hi joy, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing a lot just not to your regular standards. Perhaps lower them? Take it slow. Don’t rush. Surrender to the rest your body requires. It might help to read about post partum depression. If you relate to the symptoms, it might not feel so lonely. It might feel like a free fall but know that it’s normal. My 2 recoveries – both CS— at age 29 and 33– have felt like this. It’ll get better but not as soon as you’d like. Healing knows no time. It’ll be incremental so pace yourself. Peace and light to you!

  6. Hang in there sis. This is only for a season. I get how you feel. I had post natal depression for 7 years. The lose of energy, not being able to do the things I used to do and the lose of freedom made me regretted ever getting married. But HE is good and HE will see us through. Take care sis. I whispered a little prayer for you. God bless.

  7. You should get rest and stop forcing yourself to hard to get back in your normal routine.
    You don’t have to do it all too soon. I know exactly how you felt and you are being too papansin na. The whole world don’t need to know what you are going through since its your choice from the start to have a huge family. You just have to be true to yourself and stop and pause and really enjoy this moment because kids wont be kids for good. You are lucky to have house helpers and everyone around you that makes your life a bit easier. I am living overseas and got 6 kids too and tell you girl its too hard having no one besides you when you will give birth just me and my husband. No maids too. You are too lucky just in case you don’t realize that. Get out of your comfort zone and social media then you will be grateful for what you really have. I feel that you have been blinded because all attention was thrown at your family. You feel so overwhelmed with all the praises but you must also remember that our life is too short to live in pity while there are more issues that we must see outside the fake social media world. I hope you could take some time to enjoy what you have right now. Joy please do yourself a favor your not getting younger but i hope you become more wiser. YOU ARE LUCKY! I hope you get to visit slum areas in Manila too so you would know what i really mean by that. Thirteen children from a poor family how is that sounds to you? Please stop focusing on the negative you look so stressed out just because it’s not what you expected but I believe there’s no need to rush and if you are really trusting god all you need right now is do nothing. You are lucky what I’ve said because you are still alive unlike one of my friend who died after she gave birth. Stop whining momma this too shall pass.

    1. Don’t take it against her that her normal life is different from yours. All you people see is how privileged the family is, and then you take it from there and make a real bad magnification. Please go back to the title, she WILL WORSHIP in her pain. And you said you also have six kids, so for someone who poses to have had it harder than Joy had, don’t you think you should be able to understand more and empathise better?

      1. The truth really hurts its like a slap on your face but who else should say those words to you when all people is saying nice things and being considerate. That is my opinion. If you always pamper a child and feed them all their needs they will become dependent on you and once you’re gone they will be left miserable same goes for adults if you shower them all your attention they will become dependent and the growth will stop since you are always there to cheer them up. Sometimes negativity has its own way to make someone stand on his own. Our negative life situations are essential elements for us to fulfill our intended destiny. However, unless we possess the power of endurance to live through the dark of the night, we will not see the glory of daybreak.

    2. Everyone goes through pain differently but it doesn’t mean the pain is any less for each person.This is your personal opinion and you are free to have it but let me tell you, it is comments like this from people like you that drive individuals going through depression or other similar issues to withdraw from others and keep things to themselves instead of getting the help they need for fear of being judged. Why is it that when a person appears to have everything, other people are quick to think that they have no right not to be ok? And they are ungrateful? While it is true that there are moments in our lives that call for us to just suck it in and count our blessings, there are also those times when after assessing what we are thankful for and still end up knowing that something is wrong, then we need to address it instead of denying it by having gratitude we don’t really feel. We need to bring it to God who knows all, understands and values our honesty. He will also bring people in our lives to give us the much needed encouragement and wisdom.

      Though you think you have a similar situation, I don’t think you truly understand her, otherwise you wouldn’t have belittled what she’s going through and called her papansin. I am also not saying these things to be “nice” to her. We all need kindness and encouragement during tough times to know we are not in this alone. We can also be honest without being hurtful.

      To Joy, fear not and don’t think you are alone. God is always with you. You are on the right track by admitting your weaknesses. Do not dwell too much on what used to be normal because maybe this is your new normal. That your body has limits. It is humbling, painful but I guess necessary. God bless you always.

    3. Sounds like you have a massive chip on your shoulder. If someone is hurting and asking for prayers, you don’t go berating them and listing down how you’ve had a similar or worse situation, then telling them they have no right to feel bad. Bravo you, you seem to have weathered your storms so much so that you need to make someone else feel bad about being honest with their emotions? Everyone copes differently and you could try to be more understanding rather than critical.

  8. There’s a lot to be said about post-partum recovery when a woman is all alone in her pain, her emotions and her recovery. Though of course husbands would try to be supportive, but this one of those between-you-and-God moments. I was crying a lot too post-partum and yes, it does end. It does get better. Joy will borrow the face of a smile again. Hang in there, sister. Many are praying for you, and remember that in reality, you are not alone 😀

  9. I can relate with what you’re going through. Its hard as its something you feel you can’t control as its your emotions that take charge. Praying for your strength as post partum depression is real. Someone once told me everytime depression kicks in , to try to eat popcorn ( yup, thats what she said ) . Sit back, relax and enjoy the show coz no matter how upset you are, things won’t get better while depression is there. Hopefully, ” the movie” that God made you watch will end sooner than expected. 🙂 Hope i made you smile..

    1. If you’re going to insult someone, make sure you do it openly and not under anonymous status.

      She is beautiful inside and out. She doesnt need make-up to look beautiful. It takes a hateful person to show such disgrace to another.

    2. Anonymous, if you have nothing substantial to contribute and if all you’re going to do is hurl insults at someone who isn’t even picking a fight with you, I wish you would just go away and leave Joy in peace. I pity you because this is how you use your spare time: bullying people under the cover of anonymity.

  10. Hi Ms Joy! I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for a long time now. I’m really sad that you are going through such a tough time and I hope that you will recover soon. I am not a mother but I have found so much hope and positivity in your life and the testimony you have shared, with the trauma that you faced before. Your faith and dependence in the Lord is such and inspiration and even in this time, you choose to look to Him and bow down in worship. Continue to press on Ms Joy! I, too, have gone through such seasons of deep depression where it’s so difficult to see the end of it and light is barely seeping through the window. Questioning God’s goodness and faithfulness is very tempting and you have to just to stick to what He says in His Word, who He says He is when everything in you seems to be in a state of rebellion. Stay strong Ms Joy, I know that this is God letting you go deeper in faith as you trust Him despite the pain.

  11. Thanks Joy for sharing your heart. Praying for your recovery. Also hope you had a urine culture test. Your symptoms could be UTI. Which I struggled with in my pregnancies

  12. Thank you so much for your courage to share the depression moms face when giving birth. The surge of hormonea feels different every time. I had to take laxative for the constipation. I’ve gone through your pain so much so that I had to get professional help for what I was feeling. Even my husband got depressed. I drew strength from the Lord and from a CCF-er who constantly prayed for me. I pray your depression be lifted in Jesus’ name. God be with you through all this.

  13. After reading “I will worship in my pain”, I recalled all my struggles and pains, I am also like you I don’t usually had the cough & flu I know I am really healthy, but one day I noticed my body is deteriorating I was losing weight until finally found out that I have Thymoma (on my Aorta) but I am so blessed because after the biopsy and diagnosis it was not malignant and the doctors have to schedule me for an operation. My child was just 4 yrs old and she has no idea what is going on while me I was so worried and afraid, I cried a lot too, I do not know what will gonna happen next, what if I die? I am so worried over everything, like finances, not to see my child again, If I can still work back and so on. God is so amazing that my operation was successful and did not pay too much of the hospital bills.

    Another storm came to my life after a year, I was not able to walk for almost 5 months that is because I hit my back and head as I slipped inside the bath room while changing clothes. It was horrible! I had this excruciating pain, can’t eat and had this sleepless nights because every time I was about to sleep my legs starts to shake really hard like its separating and you cannot stop and control it, I was in and out of the hospital, my family sent me to a lot of good hospitals but Doctors couldn’t find anything and I am losing hope. Again worried, for my life, my child future, expenses, my work and I am a burden in the house. You know while I was shaking (Seizures) I remembered my fellow christian who told me this, “God is Bigger Than Our Problems” while suffering and in pain in my mind and heart our GOD is the GOD of Impossible and the GREAT Healer. Imagine the physical pain but I know my spirit is strong, while crying in pain I was talking to GOD – I told HIM I am tired , the suffering and the pain is too much, but I can imagine HIS suffering too while He was on the cross. Now, despite of indescribable pain I pray and pray even though I am in deep pain I said to myself He is still my GOD my loving GOD and after that something happen. Because one day God directed us to PGH where my family didn’t spend much money (as we do not have enough) there I was able to recuperate after almost 5 months of no sleeps and no proper eating. Now GOD Jesus gave me bonus too (an answered prayer) HE sent me abroad to work.

    I am blessed because when tribulation happen to me I already know GOD as a christian, I was so lost before and I do understand that it is not easy to be a Christian. Thank GOD for strengthening me, for the hope, for my faith, my trust and for saving me not just my physical but my soul. God Bless you Ms. Joy and the entire family.

    1. Thanks for sharing your story. I am so happy that you are okay now. You went through a lot but you have processed it all from the right perspective. It’s encouraging. Thank you! May God continue to bless you and provide for all your needs 🙂

  14. I was led to visit your blog again randomly. I used to check in more often and love how transparent and authentic your posts are.

    I’ve been going through trials too this past 2-3 weeks. Not the same as yours, but I felt like I could relate to many of the things you said. Mine is with anxiety (the clinical kind). It came out of the blue and it was debilitating. I immediately thought of Job. I miss smiling too. I miss feeling happy and upbeat.

    You’re right though. Because of the intensity of the pain, the struggle became something only God and I could go through together. I have a great support system but no one understands mental health illness unless they’ve been there themselves. So in the end, it was only God that I could lean on.

    I have no words of wisdom, just wanted to say this resonated with me and that I am praying for you and I.

    1. I hope you did better today, Kristine. I have had friends who have dealt with mental health issues, and it’s a reality and it’s tough. But I have also seen them overcome these with the Lord’s help.

  15. It’s getting better day by day. Thanks for sharing that. That is so encouraging. I’m claiming healing from the Lord as well.

  16. I know your pain….I had my baby 4yrs ago and I’m still not 100%, I had an emergency c section and have now been told I can not have any more pregnancies due to such severe complications…my recovery from her birth HURT, not just physically as my c section became infected but my mind hurt, my heart hurt and my soul hurt….every aspect of my being hurt. My husband tried to be a support but he had no idea what I was going through, and to this day he still has no idea what it was like. I can tell you it gets easier but you will have to work at it. I had to make that choice to turn over a new leaf and not be sad….hard to explain if you haven’t been there but you can heal, it will get better. Remember to focus on eternity…not life’s storms. This moment is just a moment in the pool of eternity. You will be ok bc God loves you and you will feel better in time. And remember you are not alone…I’ve been that woman who can’t get out of bed and who just wants to cry all the time. I totally get how you feel. Having that cloud stuck over you…I get it…trust me, I get it more then you could ever know.

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