Honest Conversations with Your Spouse

Over the past two weeks, Edric and I have been having a little more friction than usual, especially compared to the weeks following my surgery, when he was super attentive and sweet, and I was meek and gentle (I didn’t have a choice, I was too weak to be combative, and too appreciative of his care to see him as an enemy!)

So recently, I asked him, “Why have you been ‘mean’ to me?” I meant this in the sense that he seemed to be more irritated and impatient towards me. His response was, “Well, you have also gone back to your ‘opinionated’ self.”

I actually laughed when he said this because it was true. I had been challenging him more and less respectful, as well less appreciative. However, during our ride to church yesterday, as we dealt with another episode where he corrected me for several things that he felt like I had fallen short in — time management, being on top of the kids’ schedules — I teared and expressed to him something like, “Can you please be easy on me and more understanding? This is not a normal season in my life.”

I didn’t want to use breastfeeding a sixth child, lack of sleep, recovering from major surgery, digestive issues, dealing with early menopause, and feelings of sadness and fear about my health as excuses, but I kind of felt like they were valid enough to disrupt normalcy, orderliness, and efficiency in my life. I wished he would consider the season I was in, and not think that looking okay on the outside meant that I was totally okay on the inside.

Instead of getting into a conflict with him over this, I prayed to the Lord that he be the one to convict him, and he did. Initially, Edric and I sat quietly beside one other at church, but at some point during the service, he leaned over and motioned for me to come close to him. At first I shook my head to reject his attempts at reconciliation because I wanted some space. However, he insisted, and whispered into my ear, “I will always take care of you.”

Bingo! That was all I needed to hear– reassurance. Later on in the day, we got to talk some more. I listened to him. He listened to me. All was well again.

In marriage, you have to communicate. You have to be honest with one another when there is hurt. You don’t have to do it in a disrespectful way, but you need to be able to say what’s on your heart. If you don’t do this, the resentment builds up and you begin to pull away from one another. You begin to look to other outlets, people, and pursuits to fill what is missing in your own relationship, and to avoid conflict.

Edric and I have dealt with many moments of conflict through the years, mostly revolving around our personality differences. I can be super irritating to him. And there are things about him that irk me. However, we are committed to making our marriage work, and that means having difficult conversations when there is frustration. It means seeking to understand where the other is coming from, and laying aside self-centeredness and pride.

Edric and I are currently dealing with the consequences of surgery on my body, questions about direction and God’s will for us, and the addition of a sixth baby. It’s not the easiest time, but we are enjoying a depth to our marriage that this point in time encourages us to have, to love each other and to stick together through it all.

This year we will celebrate 18 years of marriage. One thing that has made a significant difference is to keep having honest conversations — to keep talking, to keep connecting with one another, to keep resolving conflicts as they come. In the Lord and with the Lord, issues can be fixed and hurts can be healed.

7 thoughts on “Honest Conversations with Your Spouse

  1. Thanks for sharing this story, Joy. So touching. I cried when I read the part when Edric said that he would always take care of you. You are very blessed for such a hubby that God has given you; and all your lovely children too. May you continue to live for Jesus.

  2. Edric was so unlucky to have a wife who doesn’t know what to prioritize. You love being on the limelight and you call yourself a super mom but everybody knows you are not. You always use people’s feelings just because you got raped. For all we know it was actually your parents bad karma. You don’t actually serve god but you serve money and fame all the worldly pleasures. Don’t act as a victim all the time. Stop making people around you miserable too just because you have an attitude which is unpleasant. If you truly serve god then stop flaunting that’s the only time you will find real joy but it’s too hard to that specially when you get to manipulate people and not just ordinary people. All you know was to complain and brag what you have. You think you’re a celebrity?! I don’t hate you but i hate your attitude and that should be changed.

    1. @Monggo

      7 Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. 8 And God isn’t pleased at being ignored. 9 But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won’t know what we’re talking about. Roman8:7-9

  3. So true.. I laughed out loud when I read about you rejecting your spouse’s initial attempt at reconciliation, because this is something I do as well. It’s my pride acting out 🙁 I really appreciate your honesty because it makes you so relatable. You inspire me to be a better wife, a better mom. Please continue writing because we all need to read positive content in cyberspace 🙂 Ignore the haters, they just need to vent at someone hehe. God bless you always!

    1. Lora and Monggo sorry but that comment is uncalled for you may not like what she posted but Joy doesn’t deserve that unhurtful comments at the very least she needs compassion and understanding and support. I hope you know the saying if you can’t say anything nice don’t say it. Its not easy to talk about your life and be bashed like that.I’m just a silent reader i’m not a member of CCF so i have nothing to gain by defending her but i do know what it was like to have kids and a husband who calls me out and expects to always submit unconditionally.

  4. Thank you Joy,
    It doesn’t matter if I am way older than u and
    The number of years I have been married .
    all I know is that God is teaching me many things through your sharing. I know what and how to pray for my daughter who is married and has two boys 4 .5 and 1.5 years old
    Though Not a home schooler. She and her husband are Christians and part of a Dgroup

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