Virginity

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My beautiful sister, Candy, is visiting from the U.S. with her family. She gave her testimony about purity to a group of young people two weekends ago. I asked her for a copy of what she shared for the benefit of all my single readers. May this post bless you!

CANDY: Growing up my parents always talked to us about staying pure, guarding our hearts and bodies from sexual sin, and saving ourselves for marriage. They said we have to make the choice ahead of time to stay pure and abstain from sex before marriage. If you don’t decide ahead of time, when the temptation comes, it will be harder to say no.   This applies to other areas of our lives…. Whether it be saying no to drinking, to smoking, to drugs, and even sexual orientation.

As a teenager, I actually struggled with the thought, what if I become a lesbian someday?  I played a lot of sports and I women from opposing teams were hitting on me…even while I was playing basketball against them! I talked to my mom about this and confessed my fears. I said I don’t want to be a lesbian because I know it’s against God’s word but I’m afraid I might become one. She said it is a choice. I just need to decide ahead of time to follow God’s design and trust in Him.

Amazingly, when I decided I would never become a lesbian or even experiment with things of this nature, I had a peace that came over me. The worry vanished. (I’m so glad I communicated with my Mom what was going on in my head, too, because she was able to help me.)

Another way my parents helped me was encouraging me not to be in an exclusive dating relationship until I was ready to get married. So in high school, I never had a boyfriend. However, when I started attending college, I told my parents that I needed to start dating so I would know what kind of man I wanted to marry. To me, that sounded logical and I thought I knew more than my parents about this subject. Their ideas were old fashioned to me.

Instead of reacting or belittling my ideas, we openly discussed this train of logic. I soon realized I had it backwards. First, to pray and decide what kind of man I wanted to marry… and then ONLY date the man that fit my criteria, a man who had the godly characteristics I longed for. I didn’t need to date a lot of guys to figure that out. It would be a waste of my time and open me up to more temptation.

Because I was able to internalize this truth while talking to my parents, God protected me from a lot of heartache, wasted relationships and time, and potential immorality. I still remember my Dad telling me… “someday there will come a point where you think you know more than me, but I will still know more than you.” Now that I’m an adult and have my own children, I full-heartedly believe that parents do know more than their children since they have the added wisdom of experience.

However, even though I believed my parents and wanted to protect my purity, I didn’t always listen to their advice. One of the guidelines my parents taught me was never be in a room alone with the opposite sex. Until dental school, I had never kissed a guy.  However, there was a man who started courting me. He was handsome, musical, and smart. One night we were in my room alone and before I knew it we were kissing. I remember feeling guilty afterwards and realized I shouldn’t have done that. I had wasted my first kiss on somebody that I wasn’t sure I was going to marry. Even though I knew this in my head, there was a strong temptation to be physical with him.

I finally shared with my parents what was going on with me and this guy. Being accountable to my parents gave me renewed strength to put boundaries when it came to the physical aspect. I also asked my parents if they could meet the guy because I didn’t want to get into a serious relationship unless they approved of him.

As my parents sat down with him and asked them questions about his plans and life goals, his answers made me realise that he wasn’t God’s best pick for me. With difficulty but conviction, I was able to end the dating relationship.  I praise God that my parents lovingly intervened to help me process and think through my affections for this guy. Because of their wisdom, it was apparent that I shouldn’t be with him.

After this experience, I committed to honor my parents and marry someone they approved of.  Second, I knew what kind of man I wanted to marry… someone who really loved the Lord and had a mature relationship with Him. In time, God brought His best choice to me with the full blessing of my parents. In fact, he was a man whom my father identified as someone I should consider. When my dad broached the idea to me this man, Jeff, had a girlfriend. But soon after Jeff broke up with her and began expressing interest in me.

Even though I had given my first kiss away, I was able to stay a virgin and give Jeff that gift when we got married. Seven years ago, we got married and today we are blessed with a growing family — three boys — Corban, Levi and Joshua. We are both dentists, serving the Lord together, and we share a burden for dental missions.

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God’s way is the Best Way. There is no better life lived than one that obeys and follows the Lord. God’s will for us is to be pure and to guard ourselves against sexual sin.  It takes commitment to be pure and holy, to preserve one’s virginity, and to set guidelines in order to avoid the temptation that is out there.  The decision must be made long before a relationship is in the picture. Furthermore, letting our parents have a say about a major choice like who we date and marry may not always turn out the way we hope, but he uses their wisdom and experience to protect us and help us make wise choices. I am so glad I didn’t continue in my relationship with the guy I was seeing before Jeff. If I hadn’t heeded the advice of my parents, I would have missed out on the blessings God intended for me.

To those who aren’t virgins, make the decision today to be pure. My husband wasn’t a virgin when we started dating. He had slept with his first girlfriend and deeply regretted what he did. I praise God that he was a changed man before we dated. He and I decided NOT to have sex together until we got married. So you can say that he was a spiritual virgin in our relationship.

Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart oh Lord, my God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

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MY POST NOTES…

As Candy’s older sister, I’ve witnessed first hand how God has directed the course of her life because she sought to honour him and his principles. By His grace, she was preserved from the heartaches that many women experience today. She bypassed the broken heartedness, deceit, betrayal, and depression that are very often the aftermath of sexual sin (not to mention the possibility of pregnancy and STD’s, too). As a bonus, God led her to a man who respected her for her convictions and who wanted to honour them. Yes, these men still exist in the world! Jeff is a man who loves God and Candy deeply. He is also intelligent, wise, successful, and good-looking. He may not have had a perfect past (none of us do), but when he gave his life to the Lord, he too committed to purity.

I have yet to meet a woman who celebrates her sexual exploits and experiences outside the context of marriage.  Sooner or later women come to a point of recognition — that sex as portrayed by a world that has rejected its DESIGNER, is a fleeting pleasure that doesn’t satisfy the greater longings for love and happiness. It may be fun at the onset, but the reality is we do not gain by giving away what is precious to us to a man who is not our husband. It is never a fair trade to exchange our bodies for the promise of their love and devotion. An honourable man will not expect a woman of worth to do this for him. This is a privilege reserved for the security and sanctity a marital relationship provides.

In contrast, I have met many women who committed to purity who are enjoying marriage as God intended them to. They do not carry the ugly baggage that sexual sin attaches to their souls. Although it is common to think casually about sex and to lose one’s virginity early, the blessings of purity are worth the wait — peace, joy, protection, and God’s favour.

When everyone is saying that sex is okay outside of marriage and giving hearty approval to those who engage in it, it’s easy to buy into the same perspective and do the same. So the company one keeps is important.Whether it is family members or a group of friends who share the same convictions, accountability makes the commitment to purity more plausible.

It’s also necessary to be sensitive to the values we are exposed to. From billboards, advertisements, TV shows, movies, internet sites, music, and even people we look up to and see as role-models, we are developing appetites and patterns of thinking that impact our concept of right or wrong. If we are constantly bombard by messages that tell us sex outside of marriage is the norm then we will believe this. Furthermore, what is to prevent us from remaining faithful to our spouse in marriage? Whatever habits we form before marriage will be difficult to undo later on.

So my dear young people, I would like to encourage you to make God’s word the standard. Sexual purity isn’t about staying a virgin, it is much more than this. Virginity is first and foremost a condition of the heart towards God. It is about seeking to be holy in our thoughts and actions as He is holy.

1 Corinthians 6:20 “For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”

For those who have made choices that have not glorified God, there is hope. Purity is a byproduct of what we fill our minds with and what we believe about God and ourselves. Don’t focus on pursuing purity. Pursue God and his will for your life and he will be the one to purify you inside and out.

Some people have said, but what about the guys? Are there any guys out there who will save themselves for us? That’s God’s department. I was blessed to marry a guy who was a virgin. (I can talk about this in another post.) There are men out there who love God, who have also committed to purity, but I doubt you will encounter them at common social venues that one might expect to. Forget about bars, for instance. Broaden the horizon. I like what one pastor said and I will paraphrase it here… “If you want to find God’s best, run as hard and as fast as you can towards God, then look to your left or right. If you see someone running in the same direction, grab their hand.” Some of the sweetest marriages have happened when two persons who give themselves to God’s work find one another in the context of serving God. How amazing it is when we recognise a shared passion to build God’s kingdom in the heart of another. How greater still when this recognition leads to a marital union that makes two better as one!

 

 

Comments

  1. I love reading this article. I relocated with my parents to the States a few years ago and this is definitely an encouragement to be reminded of this. Thank you for opening up and giving testimony to how God works in all our hearts individually.

    • Amazingly, when I decided I would never become a lesbian or even experiment with things of this nature, I had a peace that came over me.
      – wow, was it just as if you just decided to wear white or red?

      Nice read but really?

      • Yes Morning, it is a choice, but however comparing sexual orientation to the color of what you’ll be wearing is ridiculously absurd. I tell you it’s not easy but to people who have fully surrendered their life to Christ, Jesus promised to them that they are “overcomers” because He Himself had overcome the world.

    • Gabe Thompson says:

      Your body is the greatest instrument you will ever own. I think a life with God needs to be lived in full, not by the interpretation of others no matter how well intentioned. That kiss was exactly what you needed to understand the right path, for you. That means being okay with trying things out, even if that means mistakes. I’d hate anyone reading this article feeling bad for themselves under the pressures of purity, mistaking it for perfection. Don’t be hard on yourself!
      In the Lord we must make our own choices how best to serve Him, yet trust completely also that He has made us. That isn’t something people know at a young age. Know yourself by being prepared to go out and make mistakes so not only can you learn from them but you learn about yourself. It’s the essence of growing up. Clean hands have never served the Lord, and I don’t think people can love and empathise if they haven’t lived a full life, mistakes and all.

      • Anonymous says:

        I agree with your opinion.

      • Clean hands have never served the Lord

      • Clean hands have never served the Lord…

        I don’t agree on that phrase. We know that we cannot serve God if we have unholiness on ourselves. That’s why we need Jesus’ blood to cleanse us daily. That’s why we cannot serve God purely, if we didn’t repent first for what we’ve realized we’ve done wrong. It’s turning our back to our wrongs. Because we cannot continue on serving Him if we have impure hands. If we know it’s wrong, why continue doing it? what for the sake of learning, if we already know that it’s wrong? 🙂 saying it with love 🙂

  2. I love this post. 🙂
    My parents taught me to preserve purity until marriage. I worked on a place where my officemates are younger than me and they all lost their virginity at an early age. Sometimes, if they asked question about this, I’m hesitate to answer, because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m old-fashioned. I’m 25 , and until now I still believe in “no sex before marriage”. I had 2 boyfriends in the past, and I haven’t done it yet. Good thing I made the right decision. 🙂

  3. Thank you very much! this is a very helpful post for us, singles.

  4. This post calls for the highest of fives!
    *APIRRR*

  5. Len Garcia Alegre says:

    This is a very inspiring post that all singles should read. I have forwarded it to my two daughters for them to share to their friends and i have also shared this to my single friends. I am not proud of my past, but i know God has a purpose for everything. My prayer is for my daughters not to make the same mistakes and live according to God’s will.

  6. Thank you so much for this post Ms. Joy!
    I kinda relate to your sister!
    It’s really seeking God that makes our hearts pure and help us to resist temptations.

  7. Thank God for this inspiring message ^____^

    God bless you..

  8. Roselyn Domenden says:

    Thank you so much for your inspiring posts:)
    May God continue to bless you and your family.
    Thank you Ms. Joy!

  9. Hi Joy, can I post this blog on my facebook timeline, I want to share this to all my colleagues who are still single.

  10. John Morgan says:

    I think the encouragement to wait until marriage is much needed. But a few things bothered me. I don’t think it’s God’s will for parents to choose spouses for their children. I’ve just never thought arranged marriages was a biblical concept. I also don’t think purity can exist in a vacuum of one gender. If addressing guys is “God’s department,” then addressing girls should be God’s department as well – and the opic should not be addressed at all. I’m 53, a guy, and still waiting.

  11. delvyn mae says:

    This is so encouraging for young ladies who are patiently waiting for God’s best. 🙂

  12. Hi Joy and Candy! 🙂

    Thank you for a very inspiring post. It’s not an accident that God brought me here to your site and to this article. I just recently got baptized as a new follower of Christ, and one of the habits that I wanted to surrender was my past of having sexual relations outside if marriage.

    I thought that having a relationship with Christ would make it easier for me to break free from the bondage of lust, but it turns out that the enemy devours on me and assaults me on my weaknesses.

    Please help me pray to overcome these desires from the enemy and to focus on God’s work while he purifies my heart and soul 🙂

  13. Nicole Kryztien says:

    Thank you for inspiring me!!! 😀 Even though I’m only turning twelve, you helped me trust God more with His’ plan in my life. And it reminded me that the best is yet to come! 🙂

  14. Patrice says:

    Hello Joy! What an enlightening read! I’ve faced several rejections from men who could not honour my conviction to stay pure before marriage. The struggle is real for singles like me who are viewed as close-minded, backward-thinkers for choosing this path. While my heart may need healing at this point for having to let go of a possible relationship, I praise God for His faithfulness and for saving me for the best that is yet come.

    In one of the CCF retreats I attended a few years ago, your brother Paul’s message hit really close to home: “God’s Best is Himself.” The path to holiness hasn’t been easy but it is worth it! Thank you for inspiring single women like me with your daily posts! God bless you and your family. 🙂

    • Joy T Mendoza says:

      Thanks Patrice! So blessed by your comment! May God continue to safeguard your convictions 🙂

  15. I don’t get why religion always tries to make everyone think that they are ‘unpure’ in everything. What’s so unpure about desires and urges? As long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else. Most everything to religion is immoral… except for those killings, genocide, homophobia, slavery that you find in the bible. So weird.

  16. Hi Joy! It was so nice meeting you during Pey and Andre’s wedding… 🙂 Thank you for sharing with us Candy’s testimony. It really made me tear up, as I have fallen sonmany times into temptation until I rekindled my long lost relationship with Jesus a few years back…and because of past, sometimes guys who I used to date or who tries to pursue me find it hard to believe my now stronger conviction to wait for God’s best. Though i must admit there was a time when it entered my mind that the reason why I haven’t met the right man yet is because of my past sins, but then I realised that probably the reason why God hasn’t given me my “GB” yet is because He is still working on me to be the best for Him. Again thank you Joy! And may you continue to be an inspiration to more single women like me.

  17. Anonymous says:

    <3 ^_^

  18. I have to testify that the post is good. And I can say that it is true not because I have saved my purity but because I haven’t and I have seen and experienced the aftermath. The post is not to judge or condemn LGBT or those people doing sex, but it is to inform people of the truth that God’s promise is available when obedience is done. How can I say this? I was once a teenager who dreamed of getting married first before giving up on my virginity but since I exposed myself to dating and having boyfriends (thinking that I can collect collect and then select the best man) then u was also exposed to the temptation that goes along with it. I got into a relationship that I thought was the one. I gave up my virginity there thinking that I can get to know my partner through the relationship we had. I got pregnant at 18. Unfortunately even when we had our own kid and lived together, I dint know him very well. I became a battered partner. So we separated.

    After that I got into a lesbian relationship thinking that maybe I would find love there. Yes there is but it is not permanent as well. Since it is not the type of relationship that you can get married into here, simply means that there is no REAL commitment as any of you can just eventually cut the relationship off when you realize that “hey this won’t wor.”

    After 7 years I saw a man that promised me of a good relationship that I never had, a good future. I disobeyed what I promised God I will not do again. After years of being with him And I got pregnant the 2nd time. I thought this was it. Unfortunately, the promise it not that strong. He did not acknowledge my daughter. I became a single mom a single mom of two and God knows how hard it was for me to pull it off. But he was so loving and forgiving that he showed me that he would always be there for me and my kids. To father my children, to provide and guide us. And it was a really good journey with God.

    But me being so hopeful of having a complete family. I fell for it again and Got pregnant the third time. Though I am blessed with a very responsible and loving man who is willing to Share life’s ups and downs with me and my kids, the sin tags something conflicting to what God has really planned for me. His family doesn’t accept me and my kids for they have defined me of what happened to me in the past. As a result, it is not just me who is suffering but my kids as well.

    I am sharing this because though I have sinned, God has really been forgiving. But we shouldn’t abuse his being sovereign. Grace is always available. God designed a Great life for each and one of us but it is us who creates problem for ourselves and our children.

    It is true that God’s best is himself. Only him. We have to understand this to fully recognize who he intends for us to be with. And I can say that Candy’s father did not set her up for a fixed marriage, he did not dictate who she should marry. It’s guiding his daughter. Who wouldn’t want to see their children be with a good man or woman? It’s guiding. If we listen then we would know. If trust our parents just like how we trust God then we would know. If we know God has blessed us with our parents then we would know.

    All is true that God gave us free will. We can choose the path we want to take, how we want it to be. But we cannot choose the consequences to our actions.

    I on the other hand still thank God. Because I have three amazing kids. Though I am not yet married (but still looking forward to that day), I am thankful that God has given me this man who will be with us. But I pray that all will be well with his family and me. Because the consequence that my partner has to go through, of being in the middle of the conflict, is not the life I have imagined him to be in.

    You wouldn’t know who you’re compatible with through sex, NO. You wouldn’t know who you’re compatible with by testing living-in, NO. You would know through God. Because he gives what is true.

    I hope my testimony could also serve as blessing to young women to surrender themselves to God. To submit the future and dreams to God. Because he alone can write the best story of our lives. We don’t have to go through trial and error. We don’t have to make life hard for us. 🙂

  19. Allen James says:

    What a great article indeed. By the way, I’m a guy. I’m 27 years old. Never had a girlfriend before. Still a virgin. I didn’t even have my first kiss yet. And I still believe in no sex before marriage.

    Perhaps growing up serving God is a key to stay pure. Having regular spiritual nourishment and surrounding yourself with good people. Because I have been serving God for more than 10 years now. And I’m so thankful that I did that. Because serving God gave me the strength to get away with sexual temptations.

    Yes. People like me still exists nowadays.

    • Tax Collector says:

      Luke 18:9-14
      Bro, I think you missed the point of this parable. Ask the Holy Spirit to illumine your mind so that you may truly understand His Word. It seems you do not see your weakness, inadequacy and unworthiness apart from Christ. It also seems that you have also missed the ministry of the Holy Spirit. Remember, He did not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. We are called to pursue holiness but we are to do so as a response to His mercy and grace in Christ bcoz He lived and died for us–to undeserving sinners who deserves hell. We obey bcoz He saved us by mercy and grace in Christ and not bcoz of the righteous things we have done. Daily Preach the gospel to yourself bro. You also need it. God bless!
      The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector
      Also He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

  20. O.M.G… This is really pushing it! I mean, the “dont stay in a room alone with someone from the opposite sex?!” I just dont have enough words to describe how I feel right now.
    And by the way, through this statement, you are making men & women’s relationships ALL ABOUT SEX.
    I feel so sad reading this post, for so many reasons.

  21. O.M.G… This is really pushing it! I mean, the “dont stay in a room alone with someone from the opposite sex?!” I just dont have enough words to describe how I feel right now.
    And by the way, through this statement, you are making men & women’s relationships ALL ABOUT SEX.
    I feel so sad reading this post, for so many reasons.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Really?!? You have type in bold letters that being lesbian/gay is a choice! Pft! God bless you & your perfect soul! Crazy! Just crazy!

  23. I’ve always wondered. For someone like you to live your life like that, missing out on what us sinful people have experienced and saving that moment for that special someone. Isn’t it a pity if that special someone did not live the same way and eventually you’re just among their many others? Sex is more than just an act of defilement and is such an emotionally and physically beautiful thing on its own. No matter how admirable the thought is of holding back (and I do salute those who do), it’s not something that is worth investing half your life on IMO.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Really? Choose to be not a lesbian? Dear, you weren’t a lesbian in the first place, u didn’t choose not to. God bless your soul and your brain, or..give you a brain..

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