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Have You Ever Seen An Evil Person?

May 18, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 4 Comments

“Mom, have you ever seen an evil person?” This was the thought-provoking question my 7-year old posited to me when he was lying on his bed last night. I was praying with the kids for protection, health, good dreams, their obedience, etc. (Edric usually does this nightly routine but he was doing a show with Suze Orman for On the Money. So I was filling in for him.)

Edric and his co-hosts with Suze Orman

Well, Edan asked about the thieves that broke into our home many years ago when I was a teenager. It was too late to go into a lengthy discussion about that. But, I tried to explain to him that sometimes we think that people who do things like steal are evil. However, we can all be evil. Like, when we don’t obey God…that’s evil.

Many of us have a certain image that we associate with evil. We think of the Cleveland guy, Ariel Castro, who abducted, raped, and held Michelle Knight, Georgina Dejesus, and Amanda Berry captive for 10 years.

It broke my heart to imagine what it was like for the families to grieve over their missing daughters and for the victims to endure such a nightmare. Talk about hell on earth!

The news often highlights many other forms of crazy and it makes me deeply concerned for my children, to say the least. I look at my kids and treasure their innocence. If anyone were to steal or pollute that, I would be devastated.

Yet, the reality is there is no way to shield them completely from the godlessness that is present in this world. Edric and I can prepare them and arm them with the truth, but there is no bubble that they can float around in, completely untouched and unscathed. Why? The scarier reality is all our children have been hard-wired to sin, just like us. Our predisposition is toward selfishness and self-gratifying behavior. In today’s terminology, we might call such a person who acts upon their selfish inclinations, a sociopath. Okay, I’m not saying that all people are sociopaths but look at the description. Doesn’t it sound like many people we know, including our children, and ourselves (maybe not all the time, but at least some of the time?!).

What is a sociopath?[1] Someone who…

Does not learn from experience
Has no sense of responsibility
Is unable to form meaningful relationships
Is unable to control impulses
Lack of moral sense
Has chronically antisocial behavior
Displays no change in behavior after punishment
Lack of emotional maturity
Lack of guilt
Self-centeredness

Supposedly, this Antisocial Personality Disorder is said to begin at adolescence and is chronic. Really?! I’ve seen this sort of behavior exhibited by my children very early on which tells me that it seems to be inherent to the human person. But who will listen to me? I’m not a psychologist or a doctor who does clinical analysis. I’m just a mom who has to deal with addressing this tendency in my kids every day.

I have four wonderful children and I would like to believe that they are good and lovable. I wouldn’t want them lumped together with offenders who murder, commit adultery, steal, cheat, and rape. But they do act in undesirable and hurtful ways, especially when they aren’t trained or taught otherwise.

I’ve had my two year-old Tiana ignore me completely and walk away while I am talking to her. I’ve seen my boys get really angry and emotionally wound one another. At times, they struggle with admitting wrong and asking for forgiveness. One of them used to hit his siblings without conscience.

And what about myself? I’ve had moments when I’ve entertained thoughts of strangling or slapping my children out of frustration. Praise God I have never done so! But, if someone were to peer into my brain and itemize every wrong thought I’ve ever had, I would be ashamed of my crimes!

Personally, I feel that the many explanations given to understand the criminally inclined may help society and governments prioritize medication, the law, greater sanctions and penalties, controlled environments and better parenting to create boundaries that prevent people from hurting others, but they won’t solve the real problem.

The core issue is that evil resides in our hearts. It hatches at childhood and steers us like a compass. Deep inside, my children and I are no better than those who actually abuse others. We are not a higher class of good or righteousness. The only reason why our impulses and carnality are in check is because we have a greater power at work in our lives – the Holy Spirit.

When my children decided to make Jesus the Lord and Savior of their lives, they received the Holy Spirit. I saw the evidence of His fruit in their lives. Titus used to whine, cry, and sulk when he didn’t get his way. It was a struggle to teach him how to obey and listen. But, when he turned three years old, Edric shared the gospel message with him and he made a personal decision to acknowledge his sin and give his life to Jesus. A few weeks later, my mom noticed how different he was. When she told him he couldn’t have something that he wanted, he replied, “Okay, grandma,” without being upset or frustrated. Whoa. This was not Titus. This was the work of the Lord in his heart!

Galatians 5:22-23 says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.”

The Bible tells us that the secret to overcoming the flesh or sin is to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. When it comes to parenting my children, I appeal to the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives. During occasions when I sense that their will is pitted against mine or they are not ready to listen, I pray for them and I ask them to check their hearts (especially my older children). I am witness to the unseen war between their flesh and the Spirit. They must learn to surrender to the Lord or the flesh will win.

Galatians 5:16-17 “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please…”

When I observe my children, I look for proof of their relationship with Christ – evidence of the fruit of the Spirit. Until this is apparent, I cannot assume that they have really come into a personal relationship with Jesus.

Romans 8:9-11 tells us, “But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.”

Ariel Castro actually posted on his Facebook page on May 2, “miracles really do happen, God is good.” In the meantime, he was holding three women and a child in captivity, against their will.[2] Did he really know God? From the evidence, I don’t think so. He was living a dichotomy. No one figured him for a criminal until his secret was uncovered. Maybe he didn’t think himself such a bad guy either. I read that his intention is to plead not guilty. Wow.

We may not commit crimes like Castro did but we can be guilty of the same sort of dichotomy in our thinking. When our standard of morality is of our own making, we may be tempted to think, I’m not so awful. I’m not like the psycho in Cleveland. But that is a very relative plumb line. The standard for goodness cannot be people or ourselves because we are fallen to begin with. Just look at any two-year old who hasn’t been disciplined or taught obedience. It’s called terrible twos for a reason!

He displays the same sort of sinfulness that adults struggle with – the flesh that sets itself against God, a heart that is bent on rebellion. The Bible tells us every person “falls short” of the glory of God. This is the bad news. God’s holiness and goodness are the standard and we don’t make the cut. In fact, there is nothing we can do to merge the gap. But the good news, the gospel is that God, in his love, provided a solution through his son Jesus Christ.

John 1:29 The next day he saw Jesus coming to him and said, “Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!”

Because we are sinful, we cannot clean ourselves out. This requires supernatural intervention. The cure for sin (also known as evil) is Jesus who makes us right with God, and the ability to resist falling into sin comes from the power of the Holy Spirit. Unless we embrace this truth, atrocities will continue as foretold in God’s word. Unless our children embrace this truth, they will grow up with a predisposition toward evil.

2 Timothy 3:1-7 “But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.”

___

What sobers me as a mom is recognizing that I am responsible to teach my kids about Jesus. Edric and I, as parents, have been commissioned to do so. We cannot close our eyes and hope that our children will grow up with a knowledge of God and a desire to live for him. No way. We have got to pay close attention to what is going on in their hearts and steer them towards God.

When my children start trending towards selfish behavior, I ask them, “Who is in your heart?” They will answer, “Jesus.” “If Jesus is in your heart, will he want you to act the way you are acting? Are you making him happy or sad by what you are doing?” At this question, they will pause, think, and answer honestly.

“What will make Jesus happy?” is usually a good follow up question. And depending on the circumstance, they will tell me “I need to be kind.” Or, “I need to forgive.” Or, “I should share.” Or, “I have to change my attitude.” These heart checks have helped them to discern whether they are controlled by their evil-prone selves or controlled by the Holy Spirit. And because they do belong to the Lord, they have the desire to please him and do what is right in God’s eyes. But the key is to focus on their relationship with Christ. This is the foundation, the starting point. From there Edric and I can teach our children to be spirit-filled vs. self-filled. We can talk about what is moral and right in accordance with God’s standards and commands. Of course, Edric and I have to role-model the same or we become a counterweight and stumbling block to our children’s spiritual growth.

So…to answer the question, “Have you ever seen an evil person?” I sure have. Myself. Apart from God…apart form his grace and love through his son, Jesus Christ…and apart from the enablement of his Holy Spirit to reject evil. I like how 1 John 3:23-24 simplifies it all…“This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us. The one who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him.We know by this that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us.”

Do we believe in Jesus? If we do, we will love one another.

Do we keep his commandments? If we do, we remain in Him. There is continual evidence of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

[1] http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_a_sociopath

[2] http://edition.cnn.com/2013/05/12/us/cleveland-abductions-narrative/index.html

The Habit of “I Love You”

April 25, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 1 Comment

At 1:45 in the morning, I was in between dream state and wakefulness when Edric came in to the room and got into bed beside me. “I love you,” he whispered like he almost always does every night since we got married. I whispered back, “I love you, too.” And he took my hand and held it for a while.

Ever since I can remember, these have been his closing words right before he goes to bed, no matter what his day is like. It could be a great day, a stressful one, or a day when we’ve had an argument and he doesn’t feel like saying “I love you.” But he says it nonetheless because he wants it to be the last thing I remember before I sleep.

I remember the day we first met. We were sitting on a bench outdoors. It was during a Psychology 101 class. Our teacher brought us all outside while we presented our projects. Under the shade of a tree, Edric sat at one end of a blue bench and I sat at the other. The gravitational pull must have been pretty strong and we sort of got lost in our own little world, striking up a random conversation about God and faith. A curiosity bloomed. I found him honest and unpretentious. He told me later on that he was “mysteriously fascinated.” (I like that description.)

From then on, we seemed to run into each other more often. Edric actually timed his encounters with me and I would strategically place myself in areas where he could find me. But he had to look. I wasn’t going to dangle myself and make it too easy. It sounds like a game, eh? Well, I would like to quote what Edric once said to singles. “Guys like the chase, the challenge of pursuit, but they need to at least see a tail or some part of the deer that makes them hopeful.”

So I gave him a measure of hope. After all, I was interested in getting to know him, too. During our encounters, I was friendly and engaged, and he picked up on this. That was the “tail.”

We shared similar values, family cultures, and interests. But our personalities were quite different. Yet, we connected in the most important ways, especially spiritually. By my Junior year, we were a couple. If I could’ve done it over again, I wouldn’t have dated in college because Edric and I struggled with our physical relationship. I would’ve waited till after college, when we are at the marrying age. But God has since redeemed all of this.

In 2001, two years after graduating from college, Edric asked me to marry him. This was after we had broken up for 6 months to discern about marriage. I was 24 and he was 25.

I had prayed that Edric would be the one I walked down the aisle to. That time of separation purified our motives and gave us clarity about marriage. We received the blessing of his parents and my own, and four months after he proposed to me, we got married. No, we were not pregnant! We wanted a short engagement. After all, we were absolutely sure that God had called us to marriage so why wait any longer than necessary?

On July 22, I stood in front of Edric, said my vows and heard his, and we declared our commitment to one another. It was beyond incredible. But that version of I love you pronounced before God, family and friends had no real experience. It knew little of real commitment or unconditional acceptance.

The test came after the honeymoon, during the first years. It was then that Edric and I really began to understand that love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person for their highest good, which often requires sacrifice. We were two very selfish, prideful people in need of a good spanking from the Lord. He taught us what it really means to love one another. And over time, our love has endured through life’s seasons, by God’s grace.

Edric has loved me unconditionally, flaws and all. And each night that he says I love you means more to me than the day he put a ring on my finger. Why? Because this love has mileage! It has gone the distance and weathered the crazy ups and downs of marriage. It has been thrown into the “furnace” of experience and survived!

If you have been a follower of this blog, you know that I have written entries about our romance. We are big cheeseballs. Yet, at the end of the day, our relationship cannot be anchored on romance. It is a commitment we have made before God, to one another. Declaring “I love you” even when we don’t feel like it reaffirms this.

It’s a practice that has made a big difference in our relationship – a reminder that marriage is the habit of choosing to love your spouse, for better or for worse, and living out that choice the next day, and the next, for the rest of your life.

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Proverbs 5:18

Still Amazed

April 10, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 29 Comments

Prior to the ultra sound for congenital anomaly screening (CAS), which is given between 5 and 6 months for pregnant women, I had a nervous excitement. For the first 22 weeks of my pregnancy I had not looked for baby names, shopped for baby stuff, or imagined what it would be like to have a girl or boy. With previous pregnancies, I could sort of tell what I was having, especially with Tiana. Unlike my boys, I got hot flashes and my hormones seemed a little more wacko than usual. Even Edric got hot flashes and that is just weird but I’d like to think it is love. He shares a whole list of pregnancy symptoms with me each time I am expecting.

With three boys and a daughter, Edric and I both thought that it would be great if we could have one more girl so Tiana could have a sister. Every day since she realized that there was a baby growing in mommy’s tummy, Tiana would pray for a baby girl. “Lord, please help mommy’s baby to be a girl. I pray for my baby girl.” In fact, on one occasion when Titus was assigned to lead prayer time, she got upset when he wasn’t praying for the baby. “Pray for my baby girl! You are not praying for my girl!” she said. She still says “my girl.”

But what did God want? I had to believe that he had it all figured out for all of us. My prayer was, “Lord, you know the desire of my heart. I would really like to have a girl, but give me the grace to accept whatever you decide for our family.”

April 8 was a big day. It was find-out-the-gender-day. Edric and I planned to bring all the kids so it could be a learning session on human anatomy for our homeschooling, and we wanted to find out if it was a boy or girl together.

Unfortunately, when we got to the clinic, the doctor who was supposed to do the ultra sound didn’t come in that day. So, I was disappointed to discover that it wasn’t going to happen. But Edric suggested I ask my OB-Gynecologist for another place to get the ultra sound done and she referred us to In My Womb.

Edric and the kids had a viewing area where they could watch everything from a flat screen. They were practically jumping up and down as they saw the different body parts of the baby. It was especially enlightening for Titus and Tiana who were seeing something like that for the first time. (As a homeschooling family, we like to make the most of every learning opportunity! So Edric and I were teaching the kids while the doctor identified and measured the anatomy and organs of the fetus.)

Edric explained to the kids that God would give us what was best. Whether the baby was a boy or girl, it would be God’s will so he encouraged them to be thankful for His good plan. By the end of our 45-minute session, however, the big news came and it was exactly what we had all hoped for. We celebrated when the doctor announced that she was a girl. 100% sure! Our four children cheered and my first thought was, Lord, you are so good. Who am I that you should consider my desires with such thoughtfulness?

Last night, Edric and I took a walk together. We wanted to spend some time just marveling at how amazing God is. As we prayed and thanked him again for answering our heart’s desire, we thought of how faithful he has been to us, even if we don’t deserve it. He has given each of our children at the right time and met our growing needs without fail. Three babies ago, we wanted to have a girl but God gave us a third son. And he turned out to be exactly what our family needed and wanted after all.

My third son, Titus, who is turning 5 in a few weeks! I praise God for him.

It’s always a win-win with the Lord. If he had chosen to give us a boy again this time around, I would have been disappointed but I know he would have had his reasons. And that’s the great thing about a loving God. You can absolutely trust his reasons even if you don’t always understand them.

Why? Because he is a deeply personal God. He knows our unspoken yearnings and he delights to bless those who follow him.

This is a definite high for our family right now. And I know that life isn’t without its challenges and we can’t expect to be exempt from suffering just because we follow God. I can say this because I went through something horrifying when I was younger even if I was a follower of Jesus. Whether the season be a time of plenty or a time of hardship, I think the one thing we can always believe about God is that he loves us and has a wonderful plan for our lives…one that exceeds even our best expectations. Our part is to stay faithful to Him – to follow, love, worship and obey Him with all that we are and with all that we’ve got…through life’s highs and lows.

In my quiet time this morning, I read this passage: “But you shall serve the Lord your God, and He will bless your bread and your water; and I will remove sickness from your midst. There shall be no one miscarrying or barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days…” (Exodus 23:25-26)

When the ultra sound results confirmed a baby girl, I was reminded that God is always amazing! He is a God who blesses.

Phillips, Craig, and Dean have a song that captures what I feel right now. It’s called “Your Grace Still Amazes Me.”

My faithful Father, enduring Friend  
Your tender mercy’s like a river with no end  
It overwhelms me, covers my sin  
Each time I come into Your presence  
I stand in wonder once again

CHORUS:  
Your grace still amazes me  
Your love is still a mystery  
Each day I fall on my knees  
Your grace still amazes me  
‘Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Saviour
You make me whole  
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul  
What can I give You, Lord, what can I say  
I know there’s no way to repay You  
Only to offer You my praise

It’s deeper, it’s wider  
It’s stronger, it’s higher  
It’s deeper it’s wider  
It’s stronger, it’s higher 
than anything my eyes can see…

What Are You Waiting For?

April 6, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 21 Comments

Waiting is seldom pleasant. In a world where many services are instant, waiting can be quite annoying — a symptom of inefficiency, a system error, or even problematic management.

Whenever the Internet connection slows down in our house, Edric and I feel irritated. We talk about switching providers and complain about how awful our current one is. When a Mc Donald’s drive through experience takes longer than 5 minutes, we think about it as a big inconvenience.

Why? Well, unfortunately, we are being conditioned to expect expediency because of the nature of the times we live in…almost like it’s a human right we are entitled to.

I say this is unfortunate because the reality is, not everything can be rushed or quickened to our convenience. In fact, some of the best things require a period of waiting…a beach sunset on a clear day, homemade chocolate chip cookies baking in an oven (yum, I will make some later), a promotion that you’ve worked hard for, a husband who will love you faithfully for the rest of your life, your child’s first steps and first words, building your dream home…

We can’t always live in fast-forward. Imagine what it would be like if we could press a remote control button and skip through all the parts we didn’t like?

“Hon, I’m tired of the baby stage. It’s getting really annoying. Let’s go to scene selection and fast forward all the kids to 12 years old.”

That would be freaky! We wouldn’t even recognize them. And worst of all, they would be 12 year olds acting like babies. I wouldn’t want to clean the poopy diaper of a 12 year old! That would be a nightmarish mess of a bomb to contend with.

It sounds crazy. But the reality is, sometimes I am guilty of wanting to get out of and get past the difficult stages and phases that marriage or parenting go through, or even the days, weeks, months or years required for a dream to come to fruition. I want the greener pasture NOW without having to wait.

When I was newly married, Edric and I sold our second car to save on expenses and we shared one car between us. We rode with one another to work and back. It was an adjustment for both of us. As singles, we had our own cars. A part of me was like, why do we have to downscale our lifestyle and inconvenience ourselves? I wonder how long we will have to struggle financially? When is it going to get better?

I didn’t like having to wait to be picked up when Edric was driving or to wait for Edric to come out of his office when I was driving. On certain days, I would have to circle around and around Ayala Tower 1, or park and visit Starbucks by myself until he came down from his Ayala Land office. It was spoiled of me to act this way and feel sorry for myself. God was working on my character, teaching me to count my blessings and be thankful that we even had a car! We managed to survive with one car for several years.

When we finally got another car, it was exciting. The liberty. The flexibility. And the irony is I began to feel sad when I realized we didn’t have to ride together anymore. The “forced bonding” we had when sharing one car allowed us to have many wonderful conversations while enduring the traffic between Pasig and Makati. Our one car predicament had been good for our marriage. We grew closer as a couple. It improved our communication and deepened our friendship. With two cars, it wasn’t the same. So whenever I could, I would find a way to ride with Edric and leave the other car at home just so I could be with him. (I still do that whenever we can even it means having to adjust my schedule to his.)

It’s interesting that life experiences can be like that. We are so eager to get away from hardship. But when circumstances do change, we discover, in hindsight, the gifts that were hidden, the blessings that WAITING ripened and cultivated for our greater good – a beautiful truth about God, ourselves, others, or the human experience; a deeper connectedness and appreciation for those we love; or the satisfying answer to the question of purpose and reason.

Well, I shouldn’t presume to speak for everyone so I will speak for myself. Waiting is so much a part of my marriage and parenting experience. But the key is to contentedly accept God’s plan for me right here, right now, and cooperate with him because the waiting is intentional on his part, to produce Christ-like character in me.

For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him! (Isaiah 64:4 NLT)

Right now, I am waiting for the next 18 weeks to pass until my due date. If I could have it my way, I would want to speed it up a little and by-pass the discomfort and awkward body stage. I’m beginning to look more and more like an egg. But what I really feel badly about is not being able to run anymore. The round ligament pain around the lower part of my abdomen has really inhibited me. I’ve tried to “push it” but it’s an arresting kind of pain. So I have to slow down and watch Edric run off into the distance. Bye-bye. The best I can do as an egg is fast-paced walking to catch up with him at home.

Some women can still run at this stage. They can run all the way until their 8th or 9th month! And it’s humbling to come to terms with my physical limitations because I enjoy being active and fit. During my previous pregnancies, I was playing badminton until 7 months. It’s probably the age that has made the biggest difference between then and now.

But like I said, waiting is an inescapable part of life, especially as a wife and mother. Therefore, I must embrace the realities of my 5th pregnancy and not compare myself with my former self or others.

There will always be areas outside of my control that must be accepted with gratitude and cheerfulness. Sometimes, it is about waiting for God to work in Edric’s heart; or it is waiting for my children to respond to my daily training; to grasp what I am teaching them; their personalities to emerge and their character to grow; or the addition of a new baby to our expanding brood; and other times it is about waiting for God’s provision, a prayer request to be answered, or his will in an area of my life. Yet, personally, I believe that waiting is most profitable as a preparation for the eternal experience of heaven.

Waiting conditions the heart to long for what the world, people and dreams cannot fully satisfy — the end of all sorrows and the beginning of unending joy in the presence of God.

For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. (2 Corinthians 5:1-7 NLT)

My Exceeding Joy

March 18, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 15 Comments

It’s been another back-breaking day for me without househelp. At one point Sunday morning, I wanted to cry out of self-pity. But God used Edan to minister to me in a very uncanny way. He went to play the piano (something he rarely does these days), and the first song he played was “The Joy of the Lord Is My Strength.” I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even realize he knew that song. The message was loud and clear: Despite the present circumstances, I can have joy…an inexplicable joy, because of the Lord.

The boys helped me with chores. Edric has been incredibly sweet and patient. He loves it when I serve him. But we both know that this isn’t sustainable. With four young children, homeschooling, ministry, house-building, work-stress (more so for him than for me), and oh yah, I’m nearly 5 months pregnant…this is a temporary phase. While I enjoy being in charge of the home and being this hands on, I won’t be able to do this for an indefinite period of time. For one thing, it kills my back. I am having more frequent bouts with the excruciating pain that scoliosis inflicts as my pregnancy belly grows bigger.

How did we ever get into this predicament of no househelp, anyway? Just a week ago, I had three yayas! Now, I am down to one and she is on vacation. A short one. I do hope she comes back, too.

Over the past couple of months, I have had one disappointing experience after another when it comes to hiring househelp. I’ve had to laugh out loud at the comedy of it all. God has allowed us to have so many fails when it comes to hiring yayas. From one lady eating the kids’ snacks and juice drinks without conscience, to the same person abusing my kindness, to another needing to return home because of a crying husband, to another having to leave because her mother is a stroke victim, to one who almost gave Titus a bath in the sink, to a current yaya whose abrasive and panicky personality can offend others who work with her (she is currently on vacation), well, I must say that this cannot be coincidental.

When Edan got on the piano and played that song, I knew that God was dealing with my heart. He IS dealing with my heart. Present-tense. This is a character building experience for me. God has blessed me with a comfortable and easy life. Just the other day I was telling Edric how much I appreciate him for working so hard so I can enjoy a stress-free existence. And then, WHAM! Yaya, yaya, yaya, yaya madness. This is a divinely ordained trial so that I can grow in character!

My great temptation is to complain. But when I pause to contemplate the spiritual aspect of what’s going on, there is blessing in all this discomfort, in the annoyances I would rather not have to put up with. For one thing, I felt the very tender presence of the Lord as I was frying bacon and flipping pancakes on Sunday morning before church. As I lingered on the verge of self-pity, I was consoled by the reality that “Lord, you are all I need. I can do this if you are with me. I know you are always with me.”

Today, while washing dishes, mopping the floor, bathing the kids, picking up after them and with them, cleaning the toilets, wiping, sweeping, and cooking, the Lord has been my song and my happiness. He has made me smile even during moments when my back couldn’t take it anymore.

When I was rinsing off plates after lunch, I could hardly move my left leg. Boy, did I want to cry from the pain. Elijah came over to hug me because he heard me wincing. I just prayed, “Lord you have to help me.” The pain subsided.

During these past few days of what I would deem as a measure of suffering (a small measure in comparison to others but it still feels like a cross to bear, none the less), God has brought to mind the story of my grandfather and father who have been such good examples to me when it comes to joyfulness.

Many, many years ago, my grandfather was the owner of one the biggest textile mills in the Philippines. He had come from China and through hard work and perseverance, built an “empire.” This was back in the 1960s and early 70s. He even had an office in the Empire State Building. My father told me he grew up with a “platinum spoon.”

However, due to untoward circumstances and a corrupt government, my grandfather lost almost everything. It was humbling for my dad’s family, but my dad speaks of that time as one of the biggest blessings in his own life.

My dad started his own business and God gave him a burden to start a ministry to business people. As a self-supporting pastor, he began meeting with a group of businessmen back in the early 1980s, and with them started a church called Christ Commission Fellowship. Today, nearly 29 years later, CCF is a movement of close to 50,000 Christ-committed followers, with churches planted all over the Philippines and even abroad.

I am sharing this because God causes all things to work together for good. He is never surprised by the catastrophic (big and small) events that happen in our lives. He is always in control, always at work to bring about his greater purposes. If my dad had kept working for my grandfather’s company, he would not have started his own successful business in land development. But more significantly, he would have been deaf to the call of the Lord to ministry.

One of the things that this life lesson taught him that he has passed on to me and my siblings is the importance of perspective. He told me that his father (my grandfather) never once bad-mouthed anyone or developed bitterness about the loss of his business. He did not harbor resentment toward those who did him wrong. And when he was slighted and humiliated afterwards, he did not react in anger. To this day, my 93-year old grandfather is a happy person. He can’t remember who most of us are, but he is not a cranky, old man!

Because of my grandfather’s example and God’s grace, my dad is very much like my grandfather. He is a thankful, joyful person, even during unfavorable circumstances. After watching his testimony closely over years, I know that it is the joy of the Lord that makes him this way. The right perspective on people and experiences allows him to process things in a spirit-filled manner.

When I think about this story, I am reminded to count my own blessings. Admittedly, I am very discouraged and disappointed with the inefficiencies and undependability of those that have worked for me as of late, but I have so much to be thankful for. Edric, the kids, and I – our family unit – we are okay, in tact, at peace. Love and laughter abound. I am pregnant but God gives me the physical strength to do all the chores I have to. There are four young children to attend to, but they do not give me heartache. Today, we didn’t get to homeschool, but we re-arranged their book cabinet and they all took care of one another. We can make it up another day. I feel tired and spent, but no time has been wasted on idle activities. In other words, I am managing just fine by God’s grace.

Would I prefer that my situation were otherwise? Certainly! But God gives me reason to rejoice. He is my exceeding joy! Psalm 43:4 says, “Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise you, o my God, my God.”

I do not know what will happen in the days to come in terms of our househelp situation, but in the meantime, I am enjoying being sustained and upheld by the Lord.

Psalm 90:14 “O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.”

In the Trenches – What I Like

March 8, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 1 Comment

Last weekend, I was in Cebu with Edric and the kids. No yaya. Wow. It was slightly crazy and wonderful at the same time. Part of the reason we were there was to talk about homeschooling. I was asked to give a testimony as someone who is in the trenches of it. That’s definitely me! So here is my take on homeschooling in a nutshell. I’ve broken up my testimony into two parts and taken bits and pieces from old posts to summarize What I like About Homeschooling and What I’ve Learned as A Homeschooling Mom

What I like About Homeschooling:

Free-flowing Lessons. Learning happens very naturally in the home. Teaching and training my children are not confined to a set period of the day. It doesn’t just happen in the study room of our home. I have four kids at different stages of learning so if I were to do a classroom set-up, I wouldn’t have enough time in the day to teach my kids like a conventional school would. Instead, I let my kids’ learning happen outside of textbooks and workbooks. Learning happens naturally through dialogue and discussion, hands-on experiences, modeling, games, reading and telling stories, socializing with family members or friends, and lots of creative play. I do give my kids workbook and textbook time, as well as writing exercises and tests. But, these conventional learning methods don’t dictate how, what, and when my children learn.

A typical day for our family would be the kids waking up at 7 AM and we have breakfast as a family. By 8:30 or 9 AM we start our lessons. With each child I will cover three to four subject areas. My older son, Elijah, is a pretty independent learner so he can do most of his work on his own. We will read History and Science together because he likes the discussion and interaction time we have when we go through these subjects. In the meantime, my second son, Edan, will be doing his lessons with lots of breaks in between. And when I’m preoccupied with my youngest son, Titus, Edan act as my teacher’s assistant or entertainer. He will help teach Tiana, my fourth child, and keep her busy. I work more closely with Titus because he needs one-on-one instruction. And after about 45 minutes he is done with his “academics” and will work with manipulatives or have free play time with his sister. Everyone is doing something productive between 9 and 12 noon, but it isn’t always sitting down at a desk. In the afternoons, the kids can read, pursue their hobbies, practice their violin, and rest. I rest, too!

A Customized Education – tailor fit to my child’s needs. At home, with one-on-one instruction, it is much easier for a parent to adjust to the learning needs of her child. Titus is a kinesthetic child but like my two older boys, he learned to read early because I modified my approach with him. Phonics instruction was kept short and sweet. We didn’t do too much writing until he was really ready. And I let him have lots of time to play with dough, scissors, glue, marbles…basically anything to help him develop his fine motor skills.

My simple philosophy for teaching my kids is this: All children are equipped to learn and they can develop a genuine love for learning, but a parent must be willing to discover and investigate how her child learns best, welcome the adjustment it requires on her part, and look to the Lord for the supernatural creativity, insight, wisdom and ability that this kind of inspired teaching requires.

At home, children have true play. They can engage in self-initiated activity without the pressure of outcomes. They are challenged to be creative, to conceptualize, and to problem solve while they play. And they have hours and hours to play! I really feel like they get to have an extended childhood that isn’t cut short by the over scheduling and time consuming homework that school-going kids have to deal with.

Learning along-side my children. I have never been excellent in math. I used to dislike it immensely until I started homeschooling my kids. When I became a “math teacher,” I had to re-learn math from the ground up. From pre-school math to upper elementary math (where I find myself now), I am both student and teacher to my kids. When Elijah was in 3rd grade, I peaked at the answer key in the back of his math book when we encountered a word problem I was stumped on (can you believe it?! 3rd grade?!) and he got really upset. He said, “Now you won’t solve the problem with me!” He enjoyed the fact that we solved the problems together. It didn’t matter to him that I wasn’t a math expert and this didn’t keep him from learning. He wanted me to learn along-side him. Nowadays, he uses Kahn Academy to teach himself math.

I call this approach to homeschooling the “teamwork” approach. It is experiencing the process with my kids, encouraging them and inspiring them to learn by making it fun. And often times, their definition of fun is having me beside them.

Cultivating relational intimacy between siblings / between parent and child. Adidas used to have a tag line for basketball. Basketball is a brotherhood. Well, for my boys, homeschooling is a brotherhood. My kids are growing up to be best friends and they often say they are. Homeschooling has a lot to do with it because they are together so often and have to work out their differences, defer to one another, and love one another unconditionally. God has really knit the hearts of my children to one another. They hold each other accountable for responsibilities like violin practice, reading their bibles and praying together. And they have each other’s backs. Elijah recently told me, “I protect my brothers and I stick up for them.” Someday, they will benefit from each other’s spiritual support and encouragement to weather the storms of life. Developing a loyalty to one another when they are young will have a lot to do with that.

My siblings and I were homeschooled for a time. And it proved to be such an amazing bonding experience, we remain close to this day. We enjoy getting together with our families, sharing meals and conversations, watching movies, playing games and sports, etc. My parents taught us to prioritize loving your family members before friends and this has carried on into our adulthood.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a foremost child developmental and clinical psychologist from Canada made this statement during a talk he gave on Why Home Education Works. ”Homeschooling provides the optimum environment for a child to mature into a healthy and whole person who can achieve his fullest potential. Years of research and study show that a child was designed to be raised and educated at home because the most important element in a child’s development towards maturity is his attachment to those who are responsible for him – his parents.” He is not even an advocate of homeschooling. He is an advocate of child development.

He cites the following reasons:

At home, children have continuity of contact with their parents. Schools separate children from their parents and foster competing attachments with peers.
At home parents taken on the responsibility of pursuing their child relationally. This gives a child rest from the work of attachment. He doesn’t have to strive for the attention or affections of his parent. When children have to work for love or affection, they do not grow or mature.
At home, a child faces less separation and less wounding (ideally) so that his heart stays soft and pliable. At school a lot of wounding occurs, especially among peers. This causes a flight from vulnerability and a child develops hardness of heart.
At home, parents can support the maturity process. They can handle the stages a child goes through, the questions and the struggles.

I would like to add that at home, parents can continually assure their child, “nothing will separate you form my love…not your attitude, not your behavior, I love you no matter what, but because I love you, I am committed to helping you change and improve.”

Homeschooling has most certainly turned the heart of Edric towards our kids. And he has chosen to be very involved in their lives. This has been a special blessing for our family. The conviction to be a hands-on, intentional father came when Edric began to think about the goals of our parenting and homeschooling.

Influence. Dr. Neufeld also explained that children want to be like those whom they are attached to. They will give their heart to those whom they are attached to. They want to be known and reveal their secrets to those whom they are attached to.

He brought up this very important point: When did your child fall in love with you? When did you child give you his heart? We were never meant to deal with a children whose hearts we did not have. If you do not have the heart of your child, you will not have the context in which to bring him to his fullest potential. If you do not have his heart, you will not have his mind.

Homeschooling allows Edric and I to impact the hearts and minds of our kids because they are very much attached to us. Because we spend the most time with them, we naturally have the most influence, too.

Teaching a Biblical World-view. No education is neutral. No child is neutral. Every child has an orientation towards God or away from God. Edric and I don’t want our children to be bombarded with secular messages and worldviews that will turn them away from a God-ward orientation. So we filter what they learn through the word of God. We protect our children from wrong kinds of indoctrination by peers, teachers, school curriculums and systems that promote humanism vs. theism.

David Sant said, “All education is indoctrination into a religious worldview…All education is undergirded by presuppositions about the origin of the universe, the origin of man, the purpose of man, ethics government relationships between men, and the continuing existence of the universe in an orderly and predictable manner. It is an inescapable fact that all of these basic assumptions are fundamentally religious. Therefore we must view the schoolroom as the place where children are indoctrinated into the religion of their society. The school is, in effect, a temple.”

In a climate of postmodern thinking which has removed God from the picture and promoted the ideas of moral subjectivity, pluralism and relativism, there is a need more than ever before to teach our children the truths that God has given us in his word. When Elijah was 3, he asked us, “What if there is no God…what will happen?” It was a valid question. Who would have answered this for him if we weren’t around?

As parents, we need to be able to answer key questions that will impact our children’s belief system and determine their choices and actions: Who is God? Who Am I? What on Earth Am I here for? Edric and I aren’t willing to gamble our children’s future convictions by leaving this task up to others.

The faithfulness of God. We chose to homeschool in faith, in obedience to the Lord. We continue to do so, despite our limitations and imperfections to find that God is faithful. Every year that I teach the kids, I look back and think, how did we survive last year and manage to finish everything?! I’m always in awe of how God comes through for us. He is the one who makes my kids excited about learning. He is the one who helps them to learn. They are doing well inspite of me!

When Little Pebbles Rob Your Peace

February 12, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 31 Comments

From website problems, to issues with my gadgets that have made me feel stupid and old, to losing 397 notes (many of which were articles) on my iPad and iPhone for unknown reasons, to yayas leaving at the wrong time, to people asking for money, to someone throwing up on our newly upholstered couch, to pregnancy hormones…let’s just say that I wasn’t feeling too perky yesterday. I didn’t brush my hair; the kids ran around in their pajamas while homeschooling; and we didn’t finish all our homeschooling because I fell asleep towards the end of the morning.

The thing is I had a great quiet time with the Lord reading 2 Peter through 1 John. But as the day progressed, I felt like a juggler of multiple sources of stress — most of them insignificant in the grand scheme of life, but all of them annoying. Let me enumerate…

Pebble # 1: I opened up my notes app and discovered that 397 of them vanished before my eyes. The page refreshed and then they were gone. Could it have been one of my kids who tinkered with my iPad? I don’t know. It didn’t really matter anyway because the greater problem was that I didn’t back anything up. My brother, the techy wizard of our family, couldn’t even figure out what happened which was very telling. I knew that God must have allowed it for a reason but I had all kinds of important documents on there…testimonies, unpublished blog entries, reflections, passwords, to do lists. It was like having my brain deleted. The same thing happened on my iPhone. I sat in the worship service at church on Sunday trying to take in what the pastor was sharing but my brain went cloudy. And I felt no emotion. Zero. I couldn’t believe my notes disappeared!

Pebble # 2: I updated my gadgets to iOS 6.0 thinking that maybe that would fix my notes problem, but it seems to be laden with issues I don’t understand. My iTunes store didn’t work. The wordpress app I use erased my blog pages (I was able to solve this). Comments of my readers could no longer be read on either of my devices. My gmail wasn’t receiving mail. (It still isn’t.)

Tech problems are especially perplexing and troubling to me because I am not very computer literate. I know how to write entries and post them, and all the simple tricks that come with publishing an article. But that’s about it. When it comes to managing the actual blog, upgrading the way it looks, etc…I find that I may have been born too early to catch the wave of computer literacy that characterizes so many of the younger people today. Elijah often knows more about the computer than I do because his learning curve for it is so much higher. When I encounter glitches, my default response is to feel a sense of helplessness.

Pebble # 3: Just a few days ago, my niece vomited on our newly upholstered couch. I would have preferred that her chocolate brownies, french fries, half eaten cheesburger, and macaroni and cheese had missed the fabric of our couch. But, it was a total accident. There was no one to blame. My sister in law felt badly about it but I told her not to worry about it. It wasn’t her fault after all. Stuff like this happens. My son, Edan, vomited on another family member’s newly purchased couch a couple years ago. And his vomit was full of green seaweed. I think that was worse.

Pebble # 4: I had two yayas that got pregnant last year, both of whom I considered close friends and whom I discipled…life-on-life style. We would chat often about having a relationship with God and what it means to make choices that honor him. Apparently life-on-life wasn’t enough. One of them lied to me about having children and being in a previous marriage even though she had worked for me for 6 years. She ended up running away with a driver who was being referred to us and whom she got pregnant with. And the second one also got pregnant a few months later and had to leave to go to the province and get married. At the time, I let both of these women go their way without feeling bitter or angry. Most of what I felt was hurt and disappointment. I really cared about them. It was a tearful goodbye for both sides when they had to go, but I dealt with it and moved on.

It wasn’t until the old wound was resurrected recently that I remembered the hurt. The one who lied to me asked for a referral for a new job. I wrestled with this request for 24 hours before responding. My thought process was, How can you be asking me?! You betrayed me! And you never said sorry or confessed to your wrong. Nevertheless, I did give a fair assessment of her work because she was a good worker but I told the woman hiring her that she ought to do a background check on her personal life.

The other one asked for quite a bit of money for her newborn baby who was in the ICU. My first instinct was to say, “That’s what you get for not listening to my advice about guarding your purity like I told you to.” It was a heartless, graceless thing to think but I was very much disturbed by the situation. Edric and I became her only resort for financial support because her husband couldn’t afford to give anything. I was so upset. You made your choice and now we have to bear the consequences of your foolishness? That’s seriously what I was thinking and it was mean.

Edric was much more spirit-filled about it. He said, “If we have something to give, we will give. God has been good to us.” And we have been giving. The last time she asked for money was a few days ago. Unfortunately, her baby is still in the ICU. (I also verified earlier on with the doctors in the province to find out what was happening.) Well, I have not only been disturbed by the situation but by the guilt I feel for giving begrudgingly. But most of all, I have been convicted about being more compassionate. What if I were in her place and had a first born who was so sick? Wouldn’t I want someone to be gracious to me?

Oh wait, I have definitely been a beneficiary of grace…God’s grace! God reminded me, I died for your sins and showed you mercy and grace you did not deserve, go and do the same. I was sharing with Elijah my struggle and asking him what he thought (like he was my shrink), and he very maturely said, “Well you need to love her like God loves you, and you need to be merciful like we learned in our bible study.” Who was this person counseling me?! Was this my 9 year old son?! He sounded like an old man. Well, he was right and I had to confess my attitude to the Lord.

Pebble # 5: We are now down to 2 yayas at present and one of them told us that she needs to go back home to take care of her mom. Her mom had a stroke a while back and she needs someone to care for her. She was crying when she informed us because she wants to keep working. Of course Edric and I understand that she needs to honor her mom who is also a widow. But, boy, the timing. So far, we have had no positive prospects to hire. And I don’t want to have to think about this right now. I even told Edric, “I don’t want anymore help. That’s it.” If I cannot rely on house help, I am going to do everything myself even if I am pregnant! I’m tired of the cycle of having to look for someone new, training them, letting my kids grow attached to them, and then they have to say goodbye when I’ve developed a friendship with them.

All these little pebbles shouldn’t have been a big deal, but I let them get to me. My spirit began to be critical and I began to dwell on other minuscule issues — we ran out of eggs again (we are always running out of eggs. There is an egg monster in the house), there was a cockroach in my closet (I hate them), my back was killing me, I had a headache, etc. etc.

The irony is I just counseled a family last week who was going through a crisis. And I told them to trust God and be spirit filled, to respond to the situation in ways that will glorify God. “Don’t let people steal your joy and peace,” I shared. Was I applying this? No! I was letting all sorts of things steal my peace.

What did yesterday’s little pebbles teach me?

1. Stay connected with the Lord. I referred back to my morning quiet time where I read the following:

For pebbles 1,2,3 – Tech issues and Couch Vomit. “Do not love the world nor the thing in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him…for the world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.” (1 John 2:15,16)

For pebble 4 – Lack of compassion towards those in need. “But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.” (I John 3:17-18)

Acknowledging my own depravity and wrong thinking, then being reconciled to the Lord – “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:8,9)

Moving forward – “But according to his promise we are looking for new heavens and a new earth, in which righteousness dwells. Therefore, beloved, since you look for these things, be diligent to be found by Him in peace, spotless, and blameless…but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…” (2 Peter 3:13,14,18)

2. Get outdoors and exercise. When I spend too much time cooped up in the house, it is depressing. But I take a step outside, go for a run, and get some sunlight on my skin and I am physically energized. Edric and I went for a 5 k run when he got home. I felt like I needed to pee 75% of the run (pregnancy bladder), but it was great to be outdoors.

3. Have conversations with God. One of the things I really enjoy about running is being able to pray for extended periods of time. I use these occasions to be very honest and open with the Lord about my feelings and struggles, and I focus on who he is, what he has done for me, his incredible love and power, and my soul is restored. As I prayed, God helped me with perspective. Why are you acting like you have such a small god? Why are you troubled by circumstances and happenings that are really not that big a deal? Other people you know have loved ones who are very sick or dying! What are a few inconveniences here and there to keep you humble, dependent on me, and to help you grow in character?

4. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling down, but don’t stay down. Emotions are God-given. God designed us to feel joy and pain and everything in between. The key is not to allow emotions to dictate our responses to circumstances.

Whenever I feel down, it is a red flag. I know I can’t stay that way. I have to process what’s going on inside, what’s happening on a spiritual level. Daily stresses are a part of life, but I don’t have to remain stressed. It’s a choice to be joyful, whether the pregnancy hormones rage or not.

5. Practice the attitude of gratitude and look to be a blessing. My mom had a beautiful friend who endured a bout with cancer and she is one of the most positive women I have ever met. In the hospital, she was sharing the gospel with all the nurses, doctors and patients. She has laughed at her distresses often and always trusts in the Lord’s goodness. Proverbs 31:25 describes her well, “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future.” Whenever she has obstacles or challenges in her life, her first response is to say, “hello, friend.” In other words, she sees these occasions as God-ordained and orchestrated for her good and spiritual growth. I need to be more like this!

I need to say, Hello, my pebble friends.

——–

As the day ended I thought about all the blessings I can be grateful for. Top of mind were definitely Edric and the kids.

In fact, my kids started massaging my head spontaneously when I told them I had a headache.

I said, “Wow, you guys are so good at this!” This wasn’t hallow praise. It really felt good.

Edan remarked, “I have many talents, mom!”

“You are very talented, hon.”

“By God’s grace,” was his response.

And he continued to say, “I want to take care of you, mom. You are pregnant.”

Elijah said the same thing. This made me smile. Even Tiana started massaging my head. What a treat! Titus was preoccupied but that was okay. I had three sets of hands all over my head and face. It was their thoughtfulness that meant a lot.

_____

From slightly annoying to all out devastating, from pebbles, rocks, boulders, to mountains — small and big problems that get hurled at us…and sometimes without any breaks in between — we are familiar with the bruising and the degrees of wounding they bring. But let us be encouraged by this…

For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. (2 Corinthians 4:6-10, 16-18 NLT)

Saved From Megamall Mayhem!

January 26, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 20 Comments

The craziest thing happened to Edric and I and my older brother, Peter, this evening. We left a meeting at Shangrila Edsa and skipped out on dinner there to be with our kids who were all staying at my parents’ house. On the way towards the car, we passed by SM Megamall to pick up some food. Actually, we ordered a bunch of things starting with the grocery area in the ground floor where Edric bought a Shwarma and hotdog, then on towards the basement where we went to get Inasal chicken. Peter got barbecue, too. Both restaurants were practically side by side. While we we waiting for these orders, we dropped by The Sandwhich Guy and got some potatoes and a sandwich. It was like a progressive take-out dinner.

However, about ten minutes later, people started screaming and running in the direction of building A. At first we thought it was a celebrity sighting so we just sat there calmly, chatting away. But Edric and Peter noticed that there was a look of panic in people’s eyes that was disconcerting. Why were they all running? What were they running away from? And even more bizarre, why were all the stores and restaurants locking down their doors? Hey, what about our food?!

Okay, so we thought maybe it was a fire. Nobody seemed to know the real cause of all the panic. Someone said gunman, another said gibberish, the guards looked clueless. We didn’t want to leave the food we had ordered so Edric and Peter knocked on the doors of the restaurants we bought food from and asked them for our chicken meal and barbecue. Once we got that, we were all set. We started to make our way towards the exit facing Bank Drive. People were still running from something. I was eating my potatoes because I was hungry. And I didn’t want to run while eating potatoes.

As we passed by each store, people were peering out the glass windows or hiding inside. Hmm…so very odd. There was obviously something very wrong. When we got to the food court area, there was more screaming and frantic running. At this point, Edric and Peter did get a little bit concerned. All the escalators had been shut down. It was lock-down mode and the entire Megamall was being evacuated, except for those who were stuck inside the stores and restaurants. They were not allowed to leave.

Fortunately, we made it to the stairs going up to National Bookstore at the ground level. As we were making our way up, Edric prayed for protection and safety from whatever was happening. The ground floor was unusually empty! One or two people were exiting the building with us and there was a SWAT team at the entrance, armed and ready for action. We were told to make our way out and we saw an entire block full of people who were staring at the building, anticipating some sort of action. No one was allowed to enter the mall and there was a perimeter that was established to keep people away from the entrance.

Well this was exciting. What on earth?! I was so glad we got out and back to our children safely. We found on later on that there had been a gang robbery at the department store. Shots were fired but no one was hurt. The robbery happened just minutes after we bought our food at the grocery, on the same floor, in the SM department store adjacent to it. Had we been just a few minutes delayed, we might have been part of the mass panic that ensued. Instead, we were sitting down in the basement at The Sandwich Guy with no clue…Edric eating his grilled cheese and me with my potatoes, and both of us drinking Mountain Dew (Nice…that actually rhymes!).

God spared us from all the drama by keeping us unaware of the details until we were safely in the car, going down Edsa. Edric checked out the twitter feeds about it from those who had seen more of the action and those who were trapped inside the stores.

Sitting in the car, the three of us talked about how it was such a blessing that my sister-in-law, Jennifer, had not been with us. Peter and his wife just moved here from New York and she admitted that she would have freaked out if she had been in the mall when it all happened. She left the mall ten minutes before all the chaos.

My realization: It doesn’t matter where you live or where you are. There is no safe place apart from being in the center of God’s will. And our only security and protection is the Lord. Nothing happens apart from his election and he is in absolute control.

I praise God no civilians were hurt, and I praise God for keeping us safe tonight and everyday that he does!

For He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways. (Psalms 91:11 NASB)

Rappler’s Report on the Megamall Shooting

SM Megamall entrance after we exited. If you look closely, you will see the SWAT dudes stationed near the doors.

There, Gone, and Who-Knows-When-House

November 27, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 23 Comments

Last May, we began a house building project that was going great until we encountered problems with the foundation. Because it was a major issue, everything came to a halt. We had to re-visit and re-work plans — a process that has now taken close to six months.

The lot was given to us as a gift some years ago. It’s got a beautiful view of the city but it is a sloping lot. Structurally speaking, it is not simple to build on it. And besides that, we discovered there’s a fault line very near the property. Since we stopped construction, we have been looking to find solutions to remedy and salvage the existing structure.

Until recently, I wasn’t stressed out about it. Edric, too, was pretty cool about the delay. But when it seemed like nothing was happening for a long while, I began to feel anxious, disappointed and frustrated. It especially hurt when our children would express their longing for a bigger place to live. They wouldn’t complain but in their prayers, Edric and I would hear them say, “Lord please help us to be able to build our house…please help us to have a bigger home.”

We have actually lived like happy sardines in our condo for the last 7 years. It has been a wonderful blessing. However, with our growing family, the big personalities of our children, and the amount of space they need to play and run around, the next stage has been to build a house. Right now, the kids all sleep in one room…four of them. Their beds fit together like puzzle pieces and they love it. We reserve the third bedroom for homeschooling and playing.

Truthfully, we have enjoyed our urban lifestyle. We have been going in and out of elevators for like, forever. We appreciate the ease with which we can get around. There’s our favorite gelato ice cream place just a few blocks away. There are an endless number of restaurants to try (We’ve tried almost all within a 500 meter radius). We like being able to leave our place for days without worrying about break-ins. And we have adjusted to the constraints we have by taking trips, spending time outdoors, and giving stuff away periodically to clear out more storage. So the condo has not, for the most part, felt like a cage. God has been so generous towards us and we are grateful.

However, I know the kids dream about having a house. During a couple’s retreat that was held in Baguio last September, we were staying in a cottage and the kids were absolutely thrilled. They ran into it on the first day, started exploring, and said, “Wow, a home!” Edric and I both heard them and our hearts sank. At that particular point in time, we were supposed to have been in the finishing stages of our house…picking out tiles, paint color, fixtures…all the fun stuff.

Last night, Edric and I had a discussion about the house after watching Breaking Dawn Part 2. (I’m ashamed to admit that I wanted to watch this movie. And I’m more ashamed to admit that I read the books after I gave birth to Tiana. My sister in law had them and I was so bored while breastfeeding, I read all of her books. As cheesy as they were, I couldn’t put them down. I absolutely wanted to know how the whole saga ended.) Okay, back on topic…Edric and I started talking about our house plans after the movie. I found out that there was another issue that was brought to the table that would postpone building plans again. What?! It is uncharacteristic of me to vent unless invited to, but I went on and on in the car.

“I don’t understand why it’s taking this long. Why does there seem to be a block every time we are about to re-start the project? Is there something we are doing wrong? I feel like blaming someone! Who should we blame?! I’m so tired of hoping and then being disappointed. We are planning to get pregnant again. How can we possibly fit in our condo? I’m so annoyed that every time we are about to proceed, another issue is brought to the table. Why can’t everything be settled once and for all so that we can move forward?! I feel so angry! Let’s just forget the whole thing and not build this house!”

I was not upset with Edric. After all, he wasn’t the enemy in all of this. I was upset at the circumstances. Usually, I escape to solitude to process my feelings. But, I was so fed up with the situation that I really started expressing myself aloud. But when I started to unload like that, it tipped him over. It was 11:30 PM. Nothing was going to get done at that time. And since he didn’t have an immediate solution and he was too exhausted himself to respond to my litany of useless questions, he finally said, “Okay, I’ve hit a saturation point.” He didn’t want to hear what I had to say anymore. This upset me further because I felt like he was rejecting my feelings.

The last few minutes in the car were quiet. When we got home, I went to our bedroom and Edric watched basketball. Inside of me, I was kicking and jumping up and down in irritation. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I wanted to throw something. Of course I didn’t. I just said, “Lord! I’m so angry right now. I don’t understand why this house project has been delayed for so long. I feel troubled. I really need to hear from you. Please speak to me. Do you not want us to build this house? Just take it away if it’s not from you. Just put an obvious, clear stop to it. I don’t want it to be like a carrot dangling in front of us, stimulating false hope.”

I opened up my Bible to Luke 12:22-32, the last chapter I had read for my quiet time.

And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.

Weeping as I read verse 32, God made me see. Joy, I have not withheld my kingdom from you. How can you doubt, worry, or be so agitated over a HOUSE? Did you not say, in faith, that I would build this house? Do you not trust me? Do you forget that I know your concerns, your needs, your desires? His words came to me gently and I felt ashamed.

God could easily make this house project happen. But he has allowed unprecedented obstacles and trials to develop my character. (Edric and I resolved our discussion before bedtime, and I apologized for my negativity. He also spent a good hour laying on his back listening to me express myself, which was a sweet gesture because I knew he wanted to sleep.)

God had a follow up message for me. This morning, I turned on Christian music for Tiana and Titus. I set out kitchen pans for them to bang on to practice their rhythm skills. The first song that played over the computer made me bow down in awe of how God speaks. The kingdom of heaven has been given to you. So do not be afraid. Do not run away. Do not be afraid, little child. Your father is pleased to give.

Over and over again these words were sung as the music played. It was the voice of a young child singing, but it was God’s special comfort to me, a remembrance of what I had read last night. Again, I began to cry in gratitude for the mindfulness of God. Here I was stressing out over the house building because it wasn’t happening according to my time-table. My ranting was emblematic of a spirit that was not at rest and not surrendered, but worried, fearful, troubled. God knew that all I needed was to be reminded of his character – that he is in control, that he is good and delights to give what is good to his children. He didn’t say, “The house building will be resumed tomorrow.” I have no idea when it will resume. But I know who God is. No maneuvering, manipulating, complaining, ranting, fighting, and finger-pointing will get this house built the way it should be unless God builds it.

During the ground breaking 6 months ago, we had a family ceremony with our architect and contractor. Edric asked me to make a placard that we could stick into the ground as part of the ceremony. The kids also wrote thank you letters to the Lord and we prayed as a family, with the building team. On the placard, it read THIS IS THE HOME THE LORD WILL BUILD. The verse I put on it was this…Psalm 127:1 Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it…How quickly I dismissed this truth and conviction in the face of mounting uncertainty and recurring disappointment.I had to come before the Lord and ask for forgiveness for my doubt and my attitude. How little was my faith! Six months of waiting and I was buckling?

As I fixed my eyes on the Lord my perspective was re-aligned with what is true.. My comfort is that God doesn’t change. Circumstances, people, and dreams may. And longings may or may not be fulfilled. While this reality troubles me, I rest in the greater reality that God is always the dependable constant. He is who he says he is. Therefore, I need not panic, fret, loose my cool, or get angry when things don’t turn out the way I want them to. Instead, I need to learn to wait and be at peace in my inner most being that all is moving according to plan…his plan, not mine.

After Saying I Do, Go Build A Hedge!

November 21, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 64 Comments

Twice a year, Edric and I speak at the Before I Do Seminar organized by ImagineNation. It is a one-day marriage preparation event for engaged couples. One of the talks that Edric gives is “God’s Design for Marriage” and he asks me to share a portion about what it means to leave and cleave to your spouse.

Neither of us are marriage experts, but we have applied the principle of leaving and cleaving in our own marriage and it has really helped us to grow in intimacy and oneness of flesh. Leaving is to physically depart from your parents by establishing your own home and identity as a couple. Cleaving is to transfer your loyalties to your spouse, forsaking competing relationships or activities that have the potential to damage your relationship. The Bible explains in Genesis that when this happens “the two shall become one flesh.” One flesh is the ultimate picture of intimacy. As one flesh, you feel the security, sanctity, unity, joy and strength that God intended married couples to experience. But, leaving and cleaving is not automatic. There must be an intentional effort to pursue oneness of flesh and to safeguard it.

Early on in our marriage Edric and I learned an important principle that was a real eye-opener — Building Hedges. Author, Jerry Jenkins, introduced it in his book, HEDGES: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It.

One of the tips that stood out to us was this: avoid spending time alone with the opposite sex when you are married.This seems so obvious, but the corporate or professional world, ministry, and friendships make it challenging to practice this. And it is sobering to consider the dangers of becoming emotionally attached to the opposite sex.

For example, one evening you have a fight with your husband. The next day, at work, a male colleague notices that you are feeling down and asks, “How are you?” because he is friendly and shows genuine concern for people. You may never have otherwise considered opening up to this person but the timing of the question made it easy to do so. At first, it may be a quick chat between two acquaintances. But, as the days and weeks go by, your interactions become more frequent as you become more friendly with one another. Work may even require you to do projects together. Initially, you may have not been physically attracted to the person, but then you begin to notice other traits about him that are likable. Instead of business meetings, you begin to have coffee breaks, just the two of you and you look forward to these moments in your day. At home, your relationship with your husband is beginning to change. While you love him, you find yourself really connecting with your friend at work. Emotionally, you begin to pull away from your husband. Your need for attention, a listening ear, someone who understands and gets you is being met by someone else. These conditions place you in a very vulnerable state, possibly a precursor to falling for this person.

No one is impervious to an affair. In fact, speaker and author, Francis Kong says that if you want to protect yourself, “avoid the ambush of overconfidence.” Thoughts like…This will never happen to me. I have such a great marriage. I really love my spouse. I would never do that to them!

I used to judge people who cheated on their spouses. What?! How could you?! What a scum… However, I better understood how it might possibly happen when you spend time with colleagues or clients. I used to be in the corporate world and I had to travel to different places because of the nature of my work. While I wasn’t attracted to any of my colleagues or clients, I would sometimes be in predicaments where I was alone with them because of a meeting or a trip to an activity or event. And it got me thinking about how professional relationships can very easily and naturally move into the friendship realm (and even beyond that for others) when you have a lot of time to talk and connect with the people you work with…especially if you are with the same person(s) frequently. I decided to be very careful about how I would interact with men at work. Eventually, I transferred jobs so I wouldn’t have to be in situations where I was likely to spend too much time with someone I worked with who was of the opposite sex.

You don’t have to be paranoid and run away from every single meeting with the opposite sex. But don’t let meeting with one particular person become a habit if you are married. And, let people you work with know that you have boundaries. If you are a woman, don’t share your marital or personal problems with a guy who is not your husband.

I really appreciate that Edric avoids private one-on-one meetings with women, too. The walls of his office are also glass so if he meets with someone, it is in full view of everyone. And he keeps a professional distance from the persons he works with. While he makes sure they know he is concerned about their well-being, he does not get too friendly. For those who do not understand where he is coming from, his manner of relating to them can be misinterpreted as cold or stand-offish. However, it is a matter of principle for him to err on being extra careful.

We both have the same mindset towards Facebook and other forms of social media and digital communication. As much as possible we don’t carry on casual chats or have frequent friendly exchanges with the opposite sex. It sounds almost ridiculous to be so strict. Yet we have both experienced how these avenues can lead to more than platonic interactions. For example, you begin to look forward to hearing from a certain person, or you wonder what they think about you, or a curiosity begins to blossom, etc.

One time there was a person on Facebook who kept trying to get Edric’s attention. She would send him random messages to strike up a conversation or dialogue. And he completely ignored her. She even accused him of being a snob. He chose not to respond to her provocations and when she persisted, he finally “unfriended” her so she would get the picture.

There is a difference between being friendly and being too personal with the opposite sex. It is possible to reach out with kindness and concern towards others while keeping your hedges up. For example, I don’t counsel men and Edric doesn’t counsel women. If ever we do, it is as a team.

Being vigilant about keeping hedges not only protects yourself and your own marriage, it also protects other persons from developing an unhealthy attraction to you. Furthermore, it silences speculations and suspicions that can be hurtful to your spouse.

By God’s grace Edric and I have a great marriage, but we are aware that it isn’t an invincible one. So we have to do our part. We have to build those hedges to protect it. Francis Kong gave a great talk called Affair-Proofing Your Marriage two months ago during a couples retreat. To illustrate how easily people can fall into an affair, he outlines 12 Guaranteed Steps to Enter Adultery which I think are helpful to know. Sometimes, we can unknowingly be in anyone of these steps and not realize the potential dangers that may ensue. An affair doesn’t happen overnight. There is a process.

1. Readiness – Anytime something new happens your guards tend to go down. A new job, a promotion, a victory or win, etc.
2. Alertness – There is someone who gets your eye and attention.
3. Innocent Meetings – You have legitimate business meetings but the one who has gotten your attention also happens to be in those meetings.
4. Intentional Meetings – The meetings are planned so you can be with the person who has caught your attention.
5. Public Lingering – Others begin to notice that the two of you are together often.
6. Private Lingering – You begin to talk about personal things, to open up and connect about interests, ideas, experiences, etc.
7. Intentional Isolation – Your spouse notices your decreasing interest and you seem detached at home. There is a growing secrecy as well.
8. Pleasurable Isolation – Spending time together becomes something you really look forward to. There is youthful euphoria and you are more conscious about the way you dress, the way you look and appear to this person.
9. Affectionate Touches – For example…a hand on the shoulder or on the arm, playful poking or tickling…(sounds so ew and silly right?)
10. Passionate Embracing – Physical contact becomes more frequent. There is greater arousal. When alcohol is involved the embracing escalates.
11. Capitulation – Finally, you actually have sex.
12. Acceptance – There is mutual acknowledgement of the relationship. It is an emotional peak for the affair but an emotional low for the marriage.

After listening to this talk, Edric and I were encouraged to be even more cautious and aware of how we respond to and relate with the opposite sex. We don’t isolate ourselves from the entire world and live on an island. We remain friendly and outgoing, but we set clear boundaries to safeguard our relationship. We check for “cracks in the wall” or “red flags” by communicating openly and asking each other hard questions when needed so nothing remains hidden that can possibly grow into something more.

The devil is an opportunist and will continually seek to divide and destroy that oneness between a husband and wife. Struggles and temptations dont go away in marriage, but with good communication, they can be uncovered and dealt with. Sometimes it may hurt to hear your spouse say, “Please pray for me because I am feeling an attraction towards this person and I want to be honest with you so you can hold me accountable.”

This is when you have to put on your best friend hat so you can receive the truth without going ballistic. And then you work through it as a couple, as a team. You pray together, you unearth the root issues or causes and solve what you can. You recognize that you are not each other’s enemy. And you build those hedges again, together, with the Lord.

There have been instances when Edric or I have opened up to each other about private struggles. When this happens, it’s like a “spell” is broken. Whatever was hidden in the darkness when brought into the light loses it’s power.

Maybe this will help to illustrate what I mean…A few months ago, we had mold in our house. I couldn’t believe it. It was the most disgusting thing. A window was left open while we were away for three weeks. Because it rained really hard for a few days, some moisture got into our place and mold began to grow. It wasn’t arrested at the beginning stages, so it spread like crazy. I wanted to burn our home down when I saw it because I was so upset!

After a few days, we finally got it all cleaned out. We let the sun in. We sprayed vinegar. We used baking soda. We found ways to kill it. Some things we actually had to throw away. Had we caught it earlier, we would have saved ourselves a whole lot of trouble.

What’s the point? Dark secrets in marriage can be like mold. Given the right conditions, they can grow, spread, and overcome. As much as possible these secrets need to be exposed and uncovered sooner than later. But no one wants to open up to a spouse who will judge, belittle, reject, or fight them for being honest, for opening up about their struggles, embarrassing insecurities, fears, offenses and sins. Therefore, as challenging and humbling as it may often be, be a haven of rest for your spouse — be the one person he or she can be completely real, honest, and vulnerable with. The blessings are open communication and trust.

I have to add that part of building hedges is also putting effort into staying fit and attractive for your spouse. Look the best you can at whatever stage you are in. For women, whether it be pre-pregnancy, pregnancy, post-pregnancy, or post-post-pregnancy, do not get complacent. Personally, a good reality check is to remind myself that I am my husband’s only option for sex, so I better make it worth his while! I don’t want him to feel like he ended up with a down-graded version of the original! So, I choose to exercise, be healthy, and not walk around the house in “dusters”! I used to wear ratty shirts and shorts because I really enjoyed being in comfortable cotton all day. But I learned from my neighbor, Kat, who is also in my Bible study group. She is put together all the time. So I wear yucky clothes when Edric is not home and when he gets home, I change if necessary. I’m sure the last thing he would like to see after a long and tiring day is a disheveled looking wifey wearing shirts with holes greeting him at the door!

There are many other ways to cleave to your spouse, like date nights, praying together, affirming one another or sharing a sport or hobby. However, I personally feel that the concept of building hedges has made one of the biggest differences in my own marriage. This has enabled Edric and I to experience true intimacy and oneness of flesh and kept us faithful to one another. At the end of the day, it is not by our own efforts that this is possible. We keep God at the center of our relationship and that is the real motivation behind choosing to build hedges in the first place…