Purity

Going Back to the Garden (Part 2) – Intimacy in Marriage

March 6, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 24 Comments

As my husband, Edric, becomes more of a public personality because of his TV hosting, he gets more attention from the opposite sex. I suppose this comes with the territory when you are on television. And as I was reflecting on how this might impact our relationship, I thought of writing an article on intimacy in marriage – Going Back to the Garden (Part 2).

Marriage will have to weather many seasons. But even if external factors may change, Edric and I have learned some important life lessons that have preserved the relational intimacy between us. I hope these insights will also make a difference for young married couples who want to get it right from the start.

Honesty and open communication. It isn’t always easy to tell each other our struggles, failings, and fears, but doing so has helped to build and maintain trust. Edric knows that I don’t have secrets and neither does he. Even though we risk hurting each other and bearing the shame of our wrongs when we choose to be honest, especially about sin, accountability makes our relationship stronger. The Bible says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed…” (James 5:16 NASB)

One of the benefits of openness in marriage is that it invites the power of prayer. When Edric shares with me his temptations or struggles, it allows me to pray for him very specifically so that he can be victorious over sin. (He does the same for me.) Since we practiced open communication early on in marriage, there isn’t a stockpile of unconfessed sins and offenses that have built up that can cause grave damage in the future.

I imagine that it would be incredibly difficult for a spouse to divulge past sins and failures that were never talked about. And it would be incredibly difficult to listen without being deeply wounded or embittered if you were to be deluged by a sudden confession that you did not see coming. So it is a healthy practice to make honesty a habit from the very beginning of a marriage. It is certainly “easier” rather than realizing, later on, that you have not been honest about many things that you ought to have been.

For example, how do you start being honest about an affair because you want to try and restore your marriage? There is no simple way to break that kind of news! So do the preventive thing and express your feelings and uncover issues early on. It is much more challenging to rebuild and regain trust after it has been broken.

I remember occasions when Edric would say to me, “Hon, I am starting to feel awkward and uncomfortable about so-and-so (a woman). I want you to keep me accountable so I am telling you.” Being able to say this before it ever blossoms into something nips any potential threat to our intimacy in the bud.

Be a good listener to your spouse. If you want to encourage open communication, listening is key. “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” (James 1:19 NASB) God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason!

When Edric shares with me his struggles in the area of purity, I can be prideful and retaliate with self-centeredness when I am not Christ-centered. So, it is only by God’s grace that I am able to suspend subjectivity to understand that his truthfulness is an attempt at preserving the intimacy between us. Therefore, I try my best to listen instead of being combative or judgmental. I want him to know that his heart is safe with me.

Don’t be a policewoman. I don’t want the stress of worrying about Edric’s purity. I have turned that over to God by praying for him and our marriage. His faithfulness is not my burden to bear. Years ago, I remember saying, “Hon, if you are going to do something that displeases God, that’s between you and him. If you want to forfeit his blessing in your life, that’s your choice.” Edric knows I trust him because I trust that he loves God and wants to please him. God is watching over Edric and his choices, and mine, too.

Who can really know what happens in private, in the deepest parts of who we are? As transparent as we may want to be with one another, only God can uncover every nook and cranny to purify us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. One of my prayers for Edric is, “Lord, please help Edric to love you with all of his heart. Please help him never to come close to adultery. Keep his eyes, heart, and mind pure. Please protect him from evil women. And please help him to have eyes only for me and…help us to have a great sex life!” Hey, that’s a biblical prayer!

Be overly cautious. No one is impervious to temptation. I remember my mom saying that Satan often uses the back door entrance into a person’s life. He rarely comes in the front. The Bible says, “Therefore let him who think he stands take heed that he does not fall.” (1 Corinthians 10:12 NASB)

Now, more than ever, Edric knows that he has to be careful to avoid people and places that could lead to compromise, so he tells me, “I can’t let my guard down.” But it is the same for me. I may not be hounded by a fan base of men in the same way that women crush on him but I have to make sure I don’t act flirty, too friendly, or try to get the attention of men.

Another thing I learned from my mom: When you start to find yourself thinking things like, “I wonder if this guy finds me attractive?” Or, “I wonder what he thinks about me?” that is a warning flag! (If he is not your husband, of course.)

Grow closer as you grow older. The gravitational pull on a marital relationship is towards growing apart. So we need to keep cleaving to one another — sharing passions, dreams, and activities that make you better friends. Last night I was having dinner with my parents and at one point my dad talked about how my mom is his buddy, his best friend. They thoroughly enjoy one another’s company. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that my parents-in-law escaped for the day to go on a movie marathon — just the two of them. I hope Edric and I can also be as excited to spend time with one another years and years down the road, too.

Meet your spouse’s emotional and physical needs. Edric has mastered the art of romancing Joy Mendoza, which does wonders for intimacy. Affirmation, affection, encouragement, compliments, outrageous professions of love and loyalty, chivalrous deeds…these gestures and demonstrations are big deposits in our relationship.

The other day, I called him to ask for prayers because my stomach was hurting so badly. Without hesitating, he asked, “Do you want me to leave? I can go there right now. You know I will drop everything for you.” I said it was okay and that I just needed his prayers. Thankfully, within a few hours, I felt better. Just knowing he was willing to interrupt all his plans for the day to be with me was comforting enough. It mattered a lot to know that of all the people in his life, he is most mindful of me.

As for me, I need to make sure Edric knows that he is my priority, that he has my respect and admiration. Of course, this includes meeting his sexual needs. I’ve talked to women who withhold sex because of all kinds of reasons. From pregnancy (some pregnancies are delicate, so fine), breastfeeding, fatigue, disinterest, age, don’t need it, don’t want it, not a big part of our relationship, etc. Whatever. Sex is an indicator of relational intimacy. An enjoyable sex life is part of God’s design for marriage. It is also a form of protection.

“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

I’d like to quote my mom again for a very life-changing suggestion about sex that she passed on to me. “When you get married and your husband wants to have sex, remember the Nike slogan. Just do it.”

What about a woman’s sexual needs? Women are responders. If we feel cherished and appreciated, secure in the love of our husbands, Nike is not necessary!

Keep short accounts with one another. Don’t postpone asking for forgiveness. Don’t let unforgiveness linger. In some families, it is the norm NOT to say sorry. Family members just move on after a fight or conflict like nothing happened. Yet, dismissing issues, offenses and hurt is like collecting a huge reservoir of pain that can explode at any time. It will be a continual wedge to true intimacy when unresolved issues get compounded. And compounding interest is not pretty!

Similarly, a person who is bitter and unforgiving is repelling to be with. It’s very unpleasant to be married to a spouse who habitually resurrects past mistakes and failures, or uses them as ammunition. Colossians 3:12-13 says,“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourself with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (NLT)

The most important: walk intimately with the Lord. Intimacy between Edric and I begins when we are intimate with God first. The secret to overcoming personal sin, especially something like immorality, is to fall more in love with Christ. Hebrews talks about “laying aside every encumbrance, and fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.” The more we look to Christ, the more we will want to imitate and follow him. Our preoccupations will be pleasing to him and we will fear the consequences of sinning against him. We will want to be holy and pure.

When I was struggling with purity in college, it was my relationship with God that made me want to change. I thought, I cannot call myself a follower of Christ and continue in sinful behavior. I cannot say that I love God with all my heart if I am doing things that displease him.

In marriage, I have to depend on God’s work in Edric’s life to keep him pure. Do I constantly check his email, browsing history, Facebook, and cell phone? First off, I always forget his passwords so I can’t. Ha ha. His policeman is the Holy Spirit. And because there is open communication between Edric and I, he voluntarily shows me messages that women send him, whether platonic or questionable, or he will tell me if he stumbled in the area of purity. Sometimes, God will give me the inkling to ask him if he is okay in the purity area and Edric will be honest with me.

Purity in marriage is a team effort between God, Edric and me. By God’s grace, we have not experienced the damaging effects of infidelity. By God’s grace, we are still in love. But we know that it is not because of who we are or even the love we have for one another. God is the center, the glue that has held our marriage together and continues to bind it still. He is the covering of protection when our marriage is attacked from within and without. And he is the restorer when there is brokenness and hurt. With him in our marriage, we are able to go back to the garden to experience the sweet intimacy that he designed for a husband and wife.

Affects of Porn on the Male Brain

February 19, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 4 Comments

A must read article by William M. Struthers, Ph.D:Affects of Porn on the Male Brain

This article was forwarded to me by a relative and I actually started to tear while reading it. People get so enslaved to pornography without realizing how destructive it is to the formation and keeping of an intimate relationship between husband and wife; what kind of programming happens to wire the brain in ways that enslave it; and how clueless we can be as parents when we don’t filter through what our young children, our sons, have access to.

The author said that we live in a “pornified” society. It’s so true. But as parents, we are the guardians of our homes. What we allow our children to watch and view is still within our control, especially while they are young. And teaching them about godliness and purity is an absolute must. Children as young as 12 years old are having sex. That’s two years away from Elijah’s age! Wow. I am so glad he is homeschooled. But homeschooling doesn’t guarantee that he won’t encounter pornography or elicit images that can trigger an appetite in him. Vigilance, prayer, and discipleship are key. Preventive. Protective. Positive.

As parents, we too, need to guard our hearts and minds. We can say, I don’t look at porn but still watch shows that stimulate unhealthy sexual desires and fantasies. We can say, I don’t look at porn, but still develop an appetite for worldly values and perceptions when we do not consider whom we call close friends and the activities we participate in with them.

I was blessed by a verse that Edric shared with me. “I will set no worthless thing before my eyes…” (Psalm 101:3)

It seems like an impossible statement given that everywhere you go and look, you are bound to see something that at least alludes to sex. But, I believe that what God calls us to be — be holy for I am holy — isn’t without his enabling power. We can still go against the tidal wave of immorality that is destroying our society.

My prayer is that our home will be a sanctuary for our children, where they can stay innocent, pure, and unstained…where God will prepare their hearts to be devoted to him, unshackled by sins that render them ineffective for His great work, convicted to pursue holiness that they might see and experience God, and live the gospel with power.

“Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.” (Matthew 5:8)

“It is by his deeds that a lad distinguishes himself if his conduct is pure and right.” (Proverbs 20:11)

Anatomically Correct

January 3, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 2 Comments

When parents ask how we teach our children about sex, I say, “We tell it like it is.” We don’t use codes or substitute words for anatomical parts. And we cover their questions as they come. As they ask, we answer.

The other day, one of our sons said, “Girls pee out of their butts, right?” Well, Edric couldn’t let him live with that delusion, so he explained, anatomically speaking, where the locations of parts were. There was no malice in the discussion. It became a science lesson.

Most of the time, it is our upbringing and exposure to sex outside of the context of God’s design that makes us squeamish about discussing sex-related topics with our children. I’m not saying that we need to pull out charts and diagrams and sit our pre-school aged children down to explain EVERYTHING. But when their questions do come, we are a better source for information than peers, movies, the Internet, etc. Please, not movies or the internet! As for peers, they don’t always have a biblical perspective on sex either. So, we are it. This is it is part of our role to explain sex to our children in a way that makes them appreciate God’s design for it.

Some children seem to be more curious than others. I have seen the difference in our kids. One may snicker when they see a billboard of a woman who is not so modestly dressed. Edsa, unfortunately, has these from time to time. And another, may think nothing of it. But since we have three boys, I know that they all will, at one point or another, become interested in girls’ bodies.

We need to be attentive and available when we see signs of this. One of our sons was careening his neck when I was driving along the highway, and I asked him, “What are you looking at?” It was such an obvious attempt to look at something, I was interested to know what had caught his attention. He gave me an embarrassed and awkward smile, but after some prodding, he revealed to me that he saw a billboard that had the word “sexy” on it. There was a woman posing in a “come hither” manner and even though she was clothed (thank God), it was the word “sexy” that bothered him. We talked a little bit more about it and his fascination was addressed appropriately.

A couple months ago, another one of our sons told me that he was feeing guilty for imagining girls without their clothes on. Whoa! I was caught off-guard. But I stopped myself from panicking. I explained to him that our mind is very often the battleground, so when he has thoughts like that, he needs to replace it with “whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute.” As Philippians 4:8 tells us, “if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

We had this conversation while walking together, hand-in-hand, mother and son. These tender moments, when my kids reveal what is in their heart, are very often had during one-on-one time. I didn’t want my son’s guilt to blossom into a fixation so I focused on the principle of filling your mind with God’s word to protect yourself from temptation.

I have said this often, but it is so important that Edric and I remain vigilant about what our children watch and what they are exposed to. We don’t want to awaken desires prematurely. We tell our sons that it is normal to find girls pretty but they must safeguard their innocence and save their purity for the ones they will marry.

Grateful as I am for our homeschooling lifestyle because it allows us to filter through the positive and negative influences that our children are exposed to, I know that prayer is the real key. We need the Lord to protect our kids. We can’t monitor them 24/7. At the end of the day, they must internalize what it means to stay pure and experience the blessings of committing to obey God in this area. We can’t do that for them.

Two great books for young children that teach purity are: The Squire and the Scroll for boys (this was recommended by a friend. Elijah really enjoyed reading this.) For girls, a great book is The Princess and the Kiss.

The Squire and the Scroll by Jennie Bishop

The Princess and the Kiss by Jennie Bishop

First Kiss

April 19, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 1 Comment

Introducing Joel and Carolyn Pedro

I wish I had a professional camera to take photos at my sister’s wedding to share with you all. But I had to rely on my Iphone and Facebook to get photos of the event. (Will wait for the wedding photographer’s selections and share them when I can.)

It was an amazing wedding, which I believe really brought glory to God above all. My sister, Carolyn, and her husband, Joel, had never kissed until the wedding ceremony. They had tried their best to stay pure and not get physical before marriage and I want to applaud them for this choice. (Edric and I weren’t as self-controlled!)

The day after her honeymoon (the first night), she and Joel dropped by my parents’ house to pick up some things and say hello to everyone. What brave souls they were to enter into the dinning room with family members ready to pounce on them with a million questions about their first night together! But we were kind enough. I wasn’t super kind. I pulled my little sister aside and grilled her (in a gentle way, ofcourse). She said, “I’m so glad I waited. It was worth it.”

That’s all I needed to hear. And I’m writing this to encourage parents to be guardians of their children’s purity. We cannot control what they do when they are older, but while they are young and innocent, entrusted into our loving care, we can make a big difference in this aspect of their lives.

My parents discouraged us from dating or having boyfriends early. Unfortunately, I got a boyfriend in high school because my parents were more lenient with me. I went through a personal crisis when I was fifteen and my parents thought it was important that they give me more leeway. Looking back, I wish they could have been more strict about me and dating, but God has since worked all things out for the good. I do know one thing…My parents prayed for each of our future spouses ever since we were little children. And they told us what kind of spouse to look for way before we were ever interested in the opposite sex. (I call this preventive medicine. It becomes very difficult when we wait until they are emotionally involved with the wrong person to tell them that they should look for someone else or that they should get out of the relationship.)

Candy and Carolyn, my two sisters, did not have boyfriends in high school or college. They had guys who were interested in them and who pursued them, but they did not get into any sort of committed relationship with anyone. What helped alot was that my sisters were always busy playing sports, studying, learning music, being involved in ministry, spending time with the family, hanging out with friends etc. There was really no time for casual dating. Boys were friends but there was no need to get serious with any of them. Furthermore, we were very “tight” as a family and my siblings and I were very secure in our relationships with one another and with our parents. In short, there really was no desire for them to get boyfriends because their emotional needs were also met at home.

Naturally then, there was less temptation for sexual immorality. And the longer they did not date, the more they valued their purity and the more they realized that being single had amazing benefits. It wasn’t until they were both out of college and working that they were open to the possibility of getting to know guys more seriously. But even then, it wasn’t really a priority. Instead of making themselves “available,” they focused on maximizing their single state.

My sister, Candy, was married four years ago. But, Carolyn, had no prospects in sight. She met a lot of great Christian men who were wonderful. But none of them quite captured her heart. She never felt like any of them was the “one.” It wasn’t until my dad and my brother, Paul, got into the picture that Carolyn’s heart became open to Joel. She had never really gotten to know Joel as a friend because they only saw each other at Dgroup (or Bible study) meetings. When Paul asked Joel to consider Carolyn as a potential life partner, Joel was shocked. Here was my brother offering Carolyn as an option. Since Paul was discipling and mentoring Joel at the time, Joel considered it, even if he felt like Carolyn was not interested in him. He prayed about it.

In the meantime, my dad also spoke to Carolyn. He asked her to consider Joel. Carolyn was resistant at first but decided to pray about it and obey. With Carolyn’s heart now open to the possibility of getting to know Joel more seriously, and Joel open to the possibility that Carolyn could be a potential life-partner, they started to hang out as friends. And they connected on so many levels.

As family members, we watched their romance unfold like a storybook. I saw the hand of the Lord on their relationship. Joel hung out with our family often and Carolyn hung out with his family, too. Every family member had some sort of involvement in their relationship, but by far the most valuable contribution was parental. My parents, as well as Joel’s, advised and guided both of them. Finally, Joel and Carolyn came to the point of recognition — that it was God who brought them together and intended that they should also marry. Soon after Joel asked Carolyn to be his girlfriend, he proposed marriage. By this time, Carolyn had truly fallen in love with him and opened her heart to him.

When I saw my sister walk down the aisle last Sunday, I was in awe of God’s faithfulness in her life. She is a woman who walked with the Lord and listened carefully to his leading. She obeyed my parents and trusted in their wisdom and insight about Joel. And because of this, she walked down the aisle to be wed to the man that God hand-picked for her — the first man she ever kissed or ever loved.

But I was most blessed by the tone and feel of the wedding. Joel and Carolyn wanted Jesus to be the central figure in every part of their wedding, and he was. The verse that God brought to my mind was this: