From time to time parents ask me how to discipline a child who is misbehaving. They want to know if spanking is the solution. Some wonder about time-outs. Others propose dialoguing with their child and reasoning with them.
I really am no expert. My kids are still a work in progress but I do want to share a truth that has helped Edric and I to understand the why behind disciplining our kids. All children have a fundamental problem. It’s called sin.
No matter how cute or angelic they may seem as little babies, children will disobey or misbehave at some point. Some are more obvious in their defiance, others may be subtle and quiet about it. As parents, we have to realize that our children were born with fallen natures — a propensity for rebellion against God and his ordained authorities (for example, mom and dad.) According to the book of Proverbs, folly is bound up in the heart of a child.
John Rosemond, most well-read parenting expert in America, says that the earlier a parent realizes that their sweet darling is born with the capacity for wrong and evil, the better they will understand their role as parents in shaping the character of their children and disciplining them. I have softened the language a bit because he outrightly says that kids were born bad. His point, however, is that children need discipline and training. There is no shortcut to raising well-behaved children.
Although a psychologist himself, Rosemond threw away the mumbo-jumbo theories that surfaced in the 1960s which revolutionized the way parents began to raise their children. He calls it “the big wet blanket of psychobabble that has smothered parenting common sense.” He believes that disregarding the traditional approaches to raising children was a big mistake and we are seeing the detrimental affects today.
According to Rosemond, “Fifty years ago, it was unheard of for a child who had reached aged three to hit his parents; today, it is not unusual to find children five and six years of age who are hitting their parents (usually their northers) on a regular basis. Biting is another example of culture wide disciplinary decay…Fifty years ago, children were mischievous, but the rare child was belligerently defiant; today, the once-rare insolent child is everywhere. Fifty years ago, tantrums had stopped by age three. Today, it’s not at all unusual for children still to be having major emotional meltdowns well into their elementary school years.”
Over the weekend, I was asked to counsel a 10 year old child who hardly looked at me in the eye. I couldn’t get through to her. She remained hard and cold towards me. A 10 year old! I couldn’t help her because she refused to be helped. She rejected my attempts at reaching out to her. I actually found it very disrespectful and insolent. But a part of me also felt very sad. How do children get to that point? The best I could do was pray for her. According to the woman who was with her it was a wonder that she didn’t kick me while I was praying.
Personally, I believe that when parents move away from biblical parenting, we tend to get lost in all the popular theories that are circulating in the world today and become ineffective at raising our children. We don’t have a clear goal or a clear roadmap.
Two years ago, I struggled with parenting my third son, Titus. He was a very curious child but at times this curiosity would make him dismantle toys, tear up his books, break household items, write on walls and objects that he shouldn’t write on, and get himself into predicaments that were precarious.
There were many occasions when this deeply aggravated me and it put a strain on our relationship, but these things were not really the challenging part. It was his attitude. He was determined to get his way and would defy authority figures when he was told “No.”
Edric and I had to assess our parenting style, our methods and our goals because it was getting a bit overwhelming trying to deal with Titus. To keep it simple, we went back to a few core things. First, we established our authority. We didn’t let Titus manipulate us and we didn’t give in to his whining or sulking when he was between the ages of 2 and 3 — the height of it. So he stopped using that tactic. Second, we focused on instilling obedience. We were clear about rules and we disciplined him for breaking them. Third, Edric shared the gospel with Titus so he could begin a relationship with Jesus Christ. This brought about a transformation of his heart. A spiritual tenderness began to develop in him so that obedience became more about pleasing God instead of mere compliance. Fourth, we continue to disciple him, discipline him, and address his heart issues. We pay close attention to areas of weakness and strength. Fifth, we communicate unconditional love and acceptance. Sixth, we do no shout, compare, or belittle him when he does frustrating things because this will negate our training and teaching efforts. Seventh, we affirm him and build him up. We have chosen to appreciate the way God made him and celebrate his uniqueness. He truly is special (just like all our kids). When I see him make right choices, I commend him for it and call it out.
He is only 4 years old, but I can honestly say that his tendency is more towards obedience than it is towards misbehaving. And the reason is we have followed biblical parenting. God’s word keeps parenting simple for us. We set the goal of teaching our kids to love God and we disciple them accordingly.
Last night, during our family devotion, Edric taught the kids 1 Peter 5:7 “Be on the alert! Your enemy, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion…”
Each of the kids shared their insights on the verse and it was the cutest thing when Titus was explaining what the verse meant to him. He said, “I will be aware if there is candy and I should not eat a lot of it.”
Of all my kids, he likes candy the most. And it’s hard for him to resist the urge to put another piece of candy into his mouth when it’s in front of him. This is his temptation. He told us during the devotion, that he would not give in to the devil when he wants to eat more if mommy says thats enough.
Before bedtime, I was reading to the kids when Titus disappeared for a bit then reappeared with a bag of chocolate chips. He asked me if he could eat them and I said, “No.” He asked me why and I told him it was too late to eat sweets and he could have some the next morning. He responded with, “Okay, mom.” Out of curiosity, I asked Elijah to spy on Titus after he left the room. Elijah came back and reported to me that Titus walked right back to the kitchen and returned the bag of chips without taking anything from it. This incident delighted me because it was an example of how God is at work in Titus’ heart.
One of the spiritual fruits we want to see in our children is that they fall deep in love with Jesus and choose to keep loving him. If they love him, they will obey. So when we get overwhelmed or confused by the parenting mumbo jumbo that is out there, we look towards that goal and ask ourselves, are our children headed in that direction? If they are, then praise God. If not, what should we change?
A few days ago, as I was leaving the house to do an errand, Titus called out to me, “Bye, mom! I love you, mom! I love you a lot but I love Jesus more!” It was the sweetest thing.
My prayer is that Edric and I can keep encouraging his love for the Lord. He still misbehaves once in a while despite his profession of love for God. But that is why we have to keep discipling him. I really believe that the real antidote to misbehaving children is not so much a question of how do I discipline but how do I disciple my child so that they will love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength.
If you have a child who is misbehaving or seemingly uncontrollable, perhaps you and your spouse can ask the following questions: What is the goal of our parenting? What is the game plan going to be as we parent our child towards that goal? What are his areas of weakness and strength? Are we aligned about our role as parents, that we are his authority and need to establish that? Are we clear about our rules and following through with discipline when these rules are broken? Do we need to spend more time with him so he knows, beyond a doubt, that we love him and enjoy being with him? Do we need to stop wrong behavior or attitudes that he may be copying in us? Are we focusing on character in our parenting? Are we praying regularly for him? Does he know Jesus? If he does, is there evidence of spiritual fruit because of his relationship with Jesus?
14 thoughts on “When They Don’t Get Their Candy”
Timely reminder, Joy! Gabe is growing more knowledgeable making him have more will towards curiosity and fun… Recently struggling with being firm. Thank you for sharing again 🙂 God bless!
Btw, Titus and Gabe met 2 Sundays ago 😀
Oh, I hope they got along 🙂 hee hee
Hi Joy! I really enjoy reading your blogs! It seems that everytime I get to read them,its timing is perfect. I gave birth to my son nearly 3 months ago and am getting overwhelmed by how fast he grows so I read a lot of parenting articles that I could.This one will greatly help me and my husband in raising our son and God willing,his future siblings too!Its amazing how God uses people to encourage and help us.I pray that you won’t get tired of writing blogs because its a blessing to many!
Thanks Maricon and congratulations!!! Parenting is awesome. Tiring sometimes but the rewards are out of this world
Hi Joy! I always follow your blog to find inspiration and direction on how to be a better wife and mother. 🙂 How young were your kids when you started sharing the gospel to them? My son will just turn 2 next week and as much as I want to share the gospel with him, i’m thinking he may still be too young to understand 😮 But we are planning to send him to sunday school soon 🙂 I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks! God bless you 🙂
Hi Dotty! My kids were about 3 or 4, but we reinforced it again later on with Elijah and Edan. You can check out these entries for some ideas. 🙂 https://teachwithjoy.com/2012/02/the-baton/ and https://teachwithjoy.com/2011/09/marbles-in-heaven/
Thanks so much, Joy! I feel so blessed reading your 2 previous posts 🙂 God bless you and your family always 🙂
Hello Ms. Joy!
Thanks for this post. I praise and thank God for your life… I have been following your blog and reading your previous blogs for over a month now. I am really blessed… God bless you and your family. Continue to be a blessing! Praying that God will grant you more wisdom and strength as you continue sharing your life to us…:)
Thanks Jeriel! Blessings to you!
its very inspirational and I hope I can also apply it with my son Kai:)
May God give you wisdom, Gladys 🙂
Hi joy! It’s so nice to read about ur kids, how they grow with God. I just want to ask How did u first share the gospel w ur kids.? I’ve been struggling to discipline my kids, especially am a working mom.
Hi Grace 🙂 Sharing the gospel with our children begins with our example first, our daily interactions, the way we live out our own relationship with Christ. Even before we talk about Jesus to our children, they recognize that he is present in our family. For example, my two year old daughter knows that we pray to Jesus. She doesn’t understand the gospel message yet, but by the time she is 3 or 4, we can begin to share about Jesus as Lord and Savior and she will have a reference point. I read Bible stories to my kids even before they hear about the gospel so they become familiar with the word of God. So this is the “back-end” work that you do before you share the gospel with your child. The active work of sharing the gospel is letting your kids see Christ in you — in your responses, your choices, etc. And then, the actual sharing of the gospel is about presenting it to them in a way that is easy to grasp. You can check out this entry. It’s about how Edric shared the gospel to Titus: https://teachwithjoy.com/2011/09/marbles-in-heaven/
Hi Joy! How would you address hitting, pinching and slapping? My almost 2yo kid does all these things to us (parents) and he hits other kids too though it seems in a playful way. He already displays anger already particularly to me. It seems he’s always angry at me and would hit me at times. Sometimes I’d thinkhe hates me. How do we correct this attitude? Could this be a result of using the rod as a form of discipline?