My daughter, Tiana, curiously asked me one morning, “Where is God? How come I can’t see him?” This was a follow up question to a discussion we were having about Jesus’ death and resurrection. She had watched a clip of The Passion that showed Christ on the cross. Concerned and troubled, she wondered if Jesus was still there and dead. I explained to her that he came back to life and didn’t stay dead because he is God. But she wanted evidence…physical evidence.
It is not easy to convince a 3 year old that God is present even if we cannot see him. Her grasp of what is real is the tangible world she sees, feels and hears. So a description of the spiritual world left her perplexed and baffled.
“But WHERE is he?”
She couldn’t grasp the concept. I had to look up another clip of the movie that showed the resurrection part so she could be appeased. I found something on YouTube and that seemed to pacify her for a bit, but whew, what a discussion.
Interestingly, I had the same discussion with the Lord last night as I looked over at my baby, Catalina. She was lying in a plastic crib with a tube in her nose for oxygen, a second tube in her hand for IV and antibiotics, and a third chord attached to an oxygen, pulse and breathing monitor. Her breathing was slightly labored but she was sleeping. It must have been close to 3 am.
Admitted yesterday morning for pneumonia, Catalina is back in the hospital again. We brought her in to the ER of Cardinal Santos as advised by our pediatrician after I communicated to her that Catalina was lethargic, not eating, and her cough had worsened. It sounded tight and deeply obstructed.
I’ve gone through some major crises in my life but none has ever compared to the pain of seeing my children suffer. If I knew what it was like to get my heart torn out of my chest, well, that would be it. Apart from the loss of a loved one, I cannot imagine a greater hurt in this world than seeing the afflictions of my children and feeling helpless to save them.
The hope I had for Catalina’s recovery grew dim as she struggled through Monday night to find comfort. I could provide no remedy. I had suggested to Edric that he sleep in the kids’ room because the AC was turned off in ours. (He had already dealt with so much interrupted sleep in the past month. Getting to sleep on the floor of the kids’ room was a luxury!)
Of course this meant that I was alone in our room. I cried and cried out to God that he would heal Catalina, pleading with a desperation I had not felt before. Edric came in to check on me and he saw me bawling. His words of assurance were sweet and tender but I was lost in my grief.
Is this what it was like to be Hannah in the Bible? She was consumed with the desire for a child and no one could comfort her for being denied one, not even her husband. And I felt the same kind of obsessive desire, wailing for help, asking to have my child back. I wanted her back to being demanding and needy if that’s what it would take to have her healthy again.
God gives an instinct to mothers that makes her keen at interpreting tell-tale signs of distress and peculiar behavior in her children.
I recognized that something was gravely wrong when Catalina became uncharacteristically quiet and disinterested in feeding. Having grown accustomed to her demands to be carried and nursed frequently, I knew her cough and cold took a turn for the worse.
When our pediatrician confirmed that we should bring her to the hospital the next day, I felt both anxious and relieved. I suppose I knew what was ailing her but I suspended my thoughts until Dr. Joy checked her. The prospect of getting a confirmation was almost comforting. I wanted to know what we could do to cure her.
Edric cleared his schedule so we could do this together. I always say that Edric is my knight in shining armor because he is consistently present when I need him most. He will take charge and do whatever he can, sacrificing his own time, comfort, and needs to be there for me or the kids.
On the way to the hospital, I asked him if Catalina’s lips appeared bluish but he said it was probably the lighting inside our van. I didn’t think so. I had looked at those lips for the last 36 days of her life and knew what color they ought to have been.
We got to Cardinal Santos pretty quickly, avoiding the traffic because we left after school started. Since our pediatrician, Dr. Joy, is a friend, she made sure we were well attended to as soon as we got to the ER. Her residents were on standby and she came almost immediately after we arrived. At her instruction, Catalina was given a tube for oxygen. She was not getting enough air into her lungs. If the normal reading is 95 above, she was only at 81%. The oxygen helped to bring back the pink in her lips and cheeks.
I observed Dr. Joy’s expressions as she placed the stethoscope on Catalina’s chest. She didn’t seem pleased with what she heard. She had this way of coupling objectivity with deep concern that softened the blow of her initial diagnosis. When she said there was phlegm in Catalina’s lungs and that it was most likely pneumonia, I broke down. She hugged me and said, “Don’t worry. I will be here. This is treatable.”
I knew what this would entail for Catalina. We had been through this when she was born…tubes, needle pricking, blood tests, antibiotics, living in the hospital. Edric and I did not like that part, but knowing that her pneumonia would be arrested and treated was good news. It was caught in the early stages, occupying just the inner lungs.
Where is God when these things happen? When crisis seems to negate the promise of his blessing upon those who follow and obey him, what is the impact? I seemed to have found myself asking the very question that my 3 year old Tiana was, “But where is he, how come we cannot see him?”
In faith I believed that God would heal Catalina while we were at home. I didn’t expect to be in the hospital again. Yet here we are. And I have been honest with God. I expressed that I was hurt and grieved that he allowed this. There was a dark moment when I felt unloved and unconsidered. But last night while I watched Catalina sleeping, I believed with all certainty that God was present. He had not abandoned us or forgotten his promises.
He made his presence felt in a number of ways:
– He caused my maternal instinct to kick in, to respond with a sense of urgency when I realized something was wrong. Had I waited too long, Catalina would have been deprived of oxygen.
– Dr. Joy’s commitment to care for our daughter was and has been of great assurance.
– We happen to be staying with my parents as we transition to finish our new house, so our four other children are not alone. They are with their grandparents and with their cousins.
– God has also embraced us and covered us with the prayers of family and friends, their well wishes, and kind words.
– When the doctors needed to find a vein for Catalina’s IV and it seemed impossible because many of her veins were unusable due to her previous confinement, Dr. Joy asked her friend, Dr. Apples (an anesthesiologist) to find one and she did…on her first try!
– Had she been sick soon after her stay in St. Lukes, giving her antibiotics would have been complicated because the bacteria might have developed a resistance.
– The stage of her pneumonia is early and treatable. Some people have big spots of the bacteria in their lungs, Catalina’s occupies just 1/3 of hers.
– So far, her first blood culture has showed nothing, and her CBC has no elevated white blood cells.
– Last night, she slept peacefully in intervals of about two hours which allowed me to rest, too.
– We are in a room right beside the nurses’ station so they respond quickly to our needs.
– Personally, I have been very blessed by Edric. He has repeatedly communicated to me that he will take care of me and be here for Catalina and I.
What an eventful first month of motherhood I have had! So much pain, joy, fatigue, faith, worry, frustration, hope, darkness, and deliverance personally packaged to help me grow in character. I do not know what else is in store for me, for Catalina, for our family. I sent a text message to Edric this morning because he has been out today for work:
“I miss you but it’s good to be alone to process all of this. I feel very broken — emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I know God is present through all this and this comforts me but it still hurts that he allowed this to happen. It’s like the weariness of being in a war where the victory is certain but the fighting is necessary.”
His response…”I love you babes. I will take care of you.” (Awww)
—
I read this passage in Psalms today and I know it was for me — to declare and praise God. Whatever is happening now doesn’t change what I know to be true about God’s character. He is good. And I will praise him whether smiling or in tears, whether joyful or afflicted.
But as for me, I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more. My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness and of Your salvation all day long; For I do not know the sum of them. I will come with the mighty deeds of the Lord God; I will make mention of Your righteousness, Yours alone. O God, You have taught me from my youth, and I still declare Your wondrous deeds. For Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the heavens, You who have done great things; O God, who is like You? You who have shown me many troubles and distresses Will revive me again, And will bring me up again from the depths of the earth. (Psalms 71:14-17, 19, 20 NASB)
Hi, Joy! I can feel your pain and helplessness jumping from the words on this entry. And while I’m not (yet?) a mom, my heart breaks with yours because of these pictures. I just whispered another prayer for Catalina’s complete healing. I know that God is in full control of everything and that He’s holding your hand throughout all of this.
God bless you and your family! Get well soon, Catalina!
Hi joy, I also experience such feeling that you are already anxious of what’s really happening with regards to your childs health. My almost 2yr old daughter was sick the whole month of August and by the end of that month she was hospitalised. I also asked the same question if where is God in this kind of situation. In our part, it was so hard because we don’t have any relative here, they are in Mindanao, so it is very clear that it was just me and my husband but God revealed to me through His words that He will never leave me nor forsake me. That was so comforting. My prayer for you Joy is that you will find God’s comfort and peace and healing to baby Catalina. I know that in this kind of situation, we experience extra ordinary grace from God. God bless you Joy and your family.
(P.S. Got very emotional while reading this blog.)
through His words that He will never leave me, and will never forsake me.
How is your daughter now? What was she sick with?
She was dehydrated and her pedia advised us to confine her in the hospital. With only 3t in our pocket in a private hospital, we thought if God allowed this to happen, then He will provide. Surely He did provide! My daughter is now back to her enthusiastic and cute self. All glory and honor belongs to God alone!
My baby had pneumonia at 2 weeks old. It’s great that God sends wise doctors to treat our kids. We just stayed home under oral medication but the worry, of course, will always be there. I got through with it, and so will you.
Oh my! 2 weeks old!!! Yes praise God for good doctors
Aww.. I will pray for Catalina’s recovery.. Dont worry, Joy, God is in control! Hang in there..
Thanks Dotty! He certainly is
Manyyears ago, Joy I carried a lottle child whose lips turned blue andwho fainted iin my arms. Allergic reaction to eggs. Last Sunday I walked that same baby as a bride down the aisle. Take heart, little one. God’s Presence continues to hover over you and your amazing family.Godbless you always! Xxx
Who?!!! Who got married?! Pia?!!!
We have the same pedia and I agree that Dra. Joy will always really be there for our kids. My youngest also has respiratory problem since last week and had been on Ventolin until now. Thankfully for us it hasn’t gotten any worse like what Catalina has now. I’m crossing my fingers because Dra. Joy will check my baby again on Friday.
I will pray that Catalina and your family gets through all of this. It is really hard for a mother to see her baby having a hard time.
How is your daughter?! I hope she is well and didn’t get pneumonia!
It’s actually my son, and thankfully he didn’t get pneumonia. He’s Ventolin-free and his appetite is finally back. Also nice to hear your Catalina’s doing well. Thank God!
That’s great!!! So happy for you!!!
I sent this verse as a text to Edric yesterday, right when he posted that update on Catalina being in the hospital, but I shall post it again now for you. Praying with you, Joy!
“…but those who look to the Lord will have every good thing.” Psalm 34:10 (NCV)
Thanks Kaye! I have been reading through psalms again for my quiet time. I love that verse 🙂
Hi joy,
It is heart-wrenching when our baby is in the hospital. We have the same pediatrician. Dra joy is a blessing. Just prayed for you and catalina.
Joy, our hearts and prayers are with you guys. Ben, our youngest, was confined for a week right after he was born, then re-admitted at 2 months old with pneumonia for a week so we really understand the challenges you are facing. Keep trusting in our Heavenly Father each step of the way, and He will be your strength. And btw today if you look at Ben, you would never know how he struggled so much as a newborn – totally healthy without any lasting effects at all. Praying for each of you!
Thanks Jen! That’s encouraging to hear!!! Praise God we are back home now. She is recovering!
Thanks so much!!! It’s so encouraging to receive stories of hope and empathy from other moms! Appreciate you. Praise God Catalina is home now, recovering with oral antibiotics
So sorry to hear about Catalina. You are covered in prayers. As I read your blog, it brings back the time when Kayla was hospitalized in cardinal. And that’s how Dr Joy and I first met.(She’s one of my closest friends today). I was a 1st time mom, , gave birth emergency csection. After 2 weeks, we were confined. Kayla was 4.3lbs. And that was the longest journey of our lives. She was diagnosed with necrotizing enterocolitis and pneumonia. She had 14xrays, ctscan,lots of ultrasound, IV, no feeding allowed, 7 adult antibiotics. We lived in Cardinal for 53 days to be exact. And she wasn’t breathing and was brought to ICU for 5 days. Every day we didn’t have the assurance whether Kayla could make it. Your dad & mom visited me and I remember asking ‘Do I still have faith? ‘ ‘how do I have faith?’. Its truly God’s grace how Wisdom and I went through those days. And looking back, the Lord was with us. He helped us even if we didn’t feel Him. He was there every step of the way. And every time I remember this, the Lord reminds me of His faithfulness. And finally after 53 days, we were able to bring Kayla home. And 6 months later she was diagnosed to have down syndrome. And til this day we continue to be dependent on the Lord. He has turned my mourning into dancing. The Lord is with you, Joy!
Thanks for sharing Betty! I remember how difficult it was for you. But what a testimony you have now. So blessed by you and your family. Dr joy and I were talking about you in the hospital;) I love her so much she is the best pedia ever
Hi Joy!
Our God is using you as His instrument in letting the world know how great and mrvelous He is. Continue in inspiring us. Praying for God’s healing hands on your little one.
Thanks so much we are back home now! Recovering…
Joining everyone in praying for little Catalina’s fast recovery.
Thanks so much Faye! She is recovering at home now…
I have experienced the same thing when my then 9 month old son had a febrile seizure from a flu shot. It felt like my world had crumbled. But knowing God loved me and my son made everything easier. He healed my son, and now he’s 3 and back to his happy old self..:) I will be praying for you!
Oh my! That’s scary!!! I’m so glad he is okay!
Hi Joy. we have ourselves 2 girls 7 & 3. As I read your blog, I am also in tears. Just said a prayer for you and for God to heal Catalina. My wife reads your blog and says you are like a mentor to her. May the joy of the Lord be your strength.
That’s such a blessing to know. Thanks for your prayers. Catalina is recovering at home now…
Hi Joy,
Will pray for you and Catalina. God is fighting the battle for her and we know that God wins all of His battles. 🙂 Looking forward to her healing! Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Hi Joy!:) being a mom of a 1.5 year old boy, my heart was breaking as I was reading through your blog. I really can’t imagine being in your position—seeing your extremely young princess starting to have blue lips. How truly amazing it is that though you are the one grieving, you are able to encourage others. And what joy and grace we experience that we have joy and peace that surpasses all understanding because we are in Christ!:) imagine going through such an ordeal without having Christ…. that is equivalent to having NO HOPE….
Will continue to pray with you and your family, Joy. To God be all the glory!:)
Hi Joy, I will continue to pray for Catalina, lets claim her complete healing. By His wounds, we are healed. God loves you, I am also experiencing the same feeling that I cant seem to see God especially in the darkest hours of my life. I lost my job few months ago, been applying for new job but only to receive a ‘No’ answer. Last night I honestly told the Lord that I’m hurt and tired, but the thanks be to God, He never gave up on His children. He renewed my strength, my heart to keep waiting upon the Lord. Though our answers have not arrived yet, but surely God’s grace will make us thru on this journey. God bless you Joy and the family.
Praying for you JOY, Catalina, Edric and kids. GOD’s hands are in your family. HE will take good care of you!
HE IS FAITHFUL AND LOVES YOU SO MUCH ! Just continue to trust HIM!
Thanks Edith! Blessings to you and your family, too!
Hi Joy,
I am teary eyed while reading this post. Just to let you know that I am blessed by what you have written. I also have my own struggles and trials as a mother and wife. Through this blog, I am reminded once again that in all things, God works for our good. God bless.
Thanks Menchie. We are all in this together…
Praying for you and your family, Sis. Joy. May God’s healing hands be upon Catalina and may God’s Presence surround you and fill your heart right now. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Thank you so much! She is recovering at home now. Still need prayers for complete healing:)
Glad to hear she’s recovering at home. Praise God for answered prayers. Praying for her complete recovery. 🙂
Yes praise God! He is healer of all…
Thank you so much! Catalina is recovering now at home 🙂
Dear Joy,
Hi! I’m Sharee, from Ligaya. I don’t know if we ever had the pleasure of meeting each other but Tito Eddie and Tita Daisy are friends of mine along with Edric, Denise, Nikki and Dani. K just want to say that I am continuously praying for Catalina. And after reading your sharing, I will include you too. May peace be within your heart knowing that as we say our prayers, God is listening, answering our prayers. You are beloved!
Thank you so much. That means alot! Praise God she is home now, recovering with oral antibiotics. 🙂
Hi, Joy. I am almost in tears reading this. It’s as if I saw in words what I felt when my baby, then only 3 weeks-old, was confined due to pneumonia. As a first-time mom, it was painful to see my baby in IV. She’s all well now and I thank God for blessing me and my baby with a very supportive partner who became the source of strength to get through it.
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