After writing an article last week on “Fighting with Gentleness,” I messed up big time. I mean, BIG TIME. I’ve been honest with my readers about my mistakes as a wife and mother, so I’m not going to plaster over this one.
During an argument with Edric two Sundays ago (after church, mind you), I threw a toilet paper roll at him. Yes, a toilet paper roll! Why?!
What triggered this outburst in me? What happened to me?! I’m not a thrower.
Okay, I’m not going to lie. There was one other time that I threw something. It was four years ago. Edric and I were agitated at one another. I flung the remote control towards the other end of the room where it crashed into the wall and fell apart.
I had to apologize profusely and ask for forgiveness for my display of violence. Thankfully, Edric dispensed his forgiveness in a very sweet and gracious way, assuring me that he loved me no matter what. But I regretted that moment for many months after. I still regret it.
So why did I revert to throwing again? And this time, a toilet paper roll?
Let me go back to the beginning, when a discussion took place about breakfast. (We have at least one altercation a year that deals with breakfast. I don’t know why. It just happens.)
Edric’s first statement was to serve variations of scrambled eggs. We eat pretty hearty breakfasts. Eggs are a big part of our morning meals. For a while, we were doing more scrambled eggs than fried or boiled. Then Edric asked to add more fried eggs to the menu. Finally, a few weeks ago, he was tired of the sunny side up eggs and requested for more stylized scrambled eggs.
My fault was forgetting to inform our househelp right away. So I had to apologize to Edric for not implementing his instruction immediately. This initial conversation was fine. But the breakfast discussion continued. Edric commented about how his morning meal is often cold. So he specified that breakfast be served at 6:15 AM instead of at 6 AM.
This kind of irked me because it seemed so nit-picky. A difference of 15 minutes? Really? But I got it. Ever since I can remember, he has disliked eating re-heated food and wants everything served hot right before he sits down at the table. So I tried to avoid over-reacting.
However, when I asked him what time he wanted breakfast served on Saturday and Sunday, he answered, “That’s flexible.” I got confused. If hot meals were so important to him then why say that the timing for breakfast on the weekends was flexible? When I bugged Edric to give me a time, he began to be annoyed. So I said something like, “Look, you’re the only one who has a problem with cold food, so please say a time that we can all work with for the weekends, too.”
Edric rebutted, “Everyone has a problem with cold food.”
“Everyone?” I challenged. “It’s just you who has this issue.”
Then I proceeded to interview each of the kids sitting in the back (such a disrespectful thing to do), and they all supported Edric’s hot food perspective. Oops. I was the loser.
He snapped at me and said something he never has. “You’re bringing the kids into this? You are so pathetic!” It wasn’t a shout but there was emphasis and anger in his tone.
Oh my. It was on. I forgot everything I wrote about fighting with gentleness in my article, and the war began.
Defensively I quipped, “Well, not everyone has a problem with cold food because I, for example, don’t care if food is hot or not. In fact, I don’t even like hot food.” (I seriously don’t because it burns my tongue.)
“You mean you don’t like freshly cooked, warm food?” Edric asked doubtfully.
“Yes I do, but I can live without it,” was my response.
“So if you go to Shang-rila buffet, you won’t mind it if the food they served wasn’t hot?” Edric cynically questioned my logic.
“That’s a totally different scenario. My point is, if you are so picky about hot food then you should decide a specific time for breakfast to be served on the weekends, too, so we can all adjust to you,” I replied.
He still refused to give a time, claiming that it was my responsibility as a homemanager to institute these things. But, since he was micromanaging weekday breakfast schedules then why not do the same for the weekend, too?
When we got home and the kids vacated the car, I nearly pinched him on the shoulder and snapped at him, “Don’t ever say something like that to me!” (I was referring to the pathetic statement.)
He fired back at me, “No, you don’t do that!” (Referring to my disrespect and attempt to pinch him.)
Some of the older kids heard this. This situation was awful. We had argued in front of the kids and dishonored one another. Up to the bedroom we both stomped.
Edric wasn’t going to brush this conflict aside. He sat across from me on the bed and initiated conflict resolution. I can’t narrate everything that was said, but it was a convoluted mess of tears, frustration, exaggeration, blaming, judging, and yes, a toilet paper roll at the height of it all. That was my doing. I stormed out of the bathroom with the toilet paper in my hand and meant to hit his body with it but I totally missed. He was only two feet away, too. (My aim is terrible when I’m emotional.)
He volunteered his body to be hit again as a taunt, and I half jokingly claimed that I needed a bigger object to throw at him. Of course I didn’t take him up on his offer!
Somewhere in the middle, Edric pulled the “you are going to have your period” card to explain my irrational reactiveness, which got me worked up again because my period was far, far away. And he pulled out his phone to video our conversation as evidence of my emotional instability. He planned to archive the video for future reference. This didn’t help towards resolution.
We must have been in our bedroom for over an hour, with the door locked and the kids pounding on it several times calling us down to lunch. We had to gently shoo them away, explaining that, “Mommy and daddy need to talk.” The older kids understood, but the younger ones returned several times. In the end, Edric and I asked for forgiveness from one another and from our children. Peace returned to our home.
But, wow. I couldn’t believe the incident happened in the first place, and over a breakfast conversation! It was so wrong of me to hurl that toilet paper roll at Edric. It was so wrong of me to snap at him and be disrespectfully irritated. When I think about that incident I am reminded of a very important life principle: Never let your spiritual guard down.
1 Peter 5:8 so sensibly put it: “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”
Edric and I spent the first quarter of 2016 serving the Lord and ministering to others. Yet, serving the Lord and doing ministry doesn’t guarantee spiritual perfection. In fact, it sometimes has the tendency to make one complacent about their spiritual walk. To be honest, I wasn’t praying as faithfully. I may have been reading my Bible, but I wasn’t living with dependence on the Holy Spirit every single day.
When I’m not controlled by the Holy Spirit, I am the WORST version of myself. Impatient, prideful, spiteful, unkind, judgmental, unmerciful, bitter, and vengeful…these are just a few of my un-shining characteristics. And yes, I can even go so far as to throw a toilet paper roll at my husband! It’s only by God’s mercy that I missed. The point is, there’s not an ounce of goodness in me apart from Christ. I can’t cruise along the Christian life and assume that I’m not going to revert back to my old self. Therefore, I always need to acknowledge my need for God’s power to live a life that is pleasing to Him.
Furthermore, God is opening up more opportunities for me to have a more public platform. Now, more than ever, I have to be careful, conscious, and intentional about walking intimately with Him. In a climb with some of the ladies in my discipleship group, I saw a sign at the summit that read, DANGER. Whenever we experience successes in life, this is when we are most vulnerable to falling and failing spiritually. My dad used to say, “Prosperity is more dangerous than poverty.” In the same way, I believe that accomplishing much makes our hearts more prone to pride, selfishness and other sins of the heart that are deadly to the human soul.
The day after Edric and I fought, I went on a run and cried out to the Lord. I felt so broken and discouraged. As I was running, the Bible passage that came to mind was 2 Chronicles 7:14, “and My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” I prayed, Lord, please forgive me and please heal my marriage.
God was gracious to me. I didn’t deserve grace, but the next day, He caused Edric to be extra sweet and kind to me. Edric acknowledged that he had to take better care of me, to cherish and nourish me as His wife. It was an affirmation that I must keep praying for my marriage. Jesus Christ is the only one who can restore and heal it when it needs fixing. And He’s the only one who can protect it when the evil one seeks to divide Edric and me.
Psalm 16:2 declares, “You are my Lord; I have no good beside You.” That’s my declaration at the end of this post. Lord, I cling to you. If you aren’t in my life, I am a completely lost, broken and unholy person who damages those around her. But I don’t want to be that way. Please help me. Be the goodness in me that pours forth into the lives of those around me, into the lives of my husband and my children. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Maybe you are like me and you’ve messed up at one point in your marriage, or many at many points, or you are messing up right now. Don’t lose heart. You can change, you can be restored, you can find grace and help in your time of need. I pray you will seek the Lord as the answer.
Thanks for being so transparent. May the Lord strengthen you and your marriage. Blessings from Canada.
Thanks for sharing Joy, but honestly your emotional outbursts are nothing compared to what i did with my husband. Although it happened a long time ago, it still keeps on haunting me. And it seems nothing would work to erase that guilty feeling. But God had been gracious and forgiving, our marriage is still going strong although not perfect because of those ‘instances’ in the past. I really appreciate the fact that you are sharing with us your imperfections, teaching us to be always ‘on guard’…that I also could be restored. Please continue to pray for me to forgive myself and move forward.
I needed this. Very timely. What I threw at my husband were my daughter’s clothes and I also wanted to like hit him hard but I was also at the same time trying to control my anger at that time so I didnt do it… just threw the clothes at him. I can totally relate… Thank you for sharing…
Ok, I am glad you resolved everything, but he is VERY picky and I would have thrown something harder out of frustration too. Yeah okay we gotta submit, but come on!
No wait he is not picky, he is so entitled. But thanks for sharing your fights and challenges because it makes me realize that I am lucky to have such humble and considerate husband inspite of his other flaws (like he doesnt make a lot of money)
Hi joy. Thank you for being open and honest. God bless you and Edric 🙂 i was blessed.
Hi, Joy! You WERE fighting with gentleness. After all, you did throw a tissue paper roll at Edric instead of a huge vase.???? Kidding! ????✌????
Seriously though, I truly admire your candor and humility. Your stories are always enlightening and inspiring. Thank you for sharing them and showing everyone how God works in your lives and makes you better, more loving people.
May God guide and bless you always! ????
Hi, Joy! You WERE fighting with gentleness. After all, you did throw a tissue paper roll at Edric instead of a huge vase.???? Kidding! ????✌????
Seriously though, I truly admire your candor and humility. Your stories are always enlightening and inspiring. Thank you for sharing them and showing everyone how God works in your lives and makes you better, more loving people.
May God guide and bless you always! ????
Thank you for sharing. I truly appreciate your honesty, transparency and willingness
to share your experiences in the light of God’s glory.
Recently, I thought of throwing my husband’s clothes at him, but the spiritual side of me got control of my mind and I didn’t do it. He’s my husband and so much good comes out of him than the clothes lying around. Many times I cook hot meals for Saturday breakfast but he stayed in bed longer instead so the food got cold. Or I would cook food but he would instead open a can of sardines. My heart would sank and then when asked why he didn’t eat the food, he would say he thought that it’s reserved for the church (where we potluck for lunch).
It’s very easy and tempting to fight the small stuff at home. I know coz the holy spirit is always reminding to do the opposite. It’s one of the good problems – the perfect timing for hot food served by our helpers. But here at Vancouver, we don’t have the luxury of house helpers to cook and clean up for us. So cheer up Joy and Edric, you have so much blessings to be thankful for!
Hi Joy, you have always been a light shinning for Jesus and I believe God’s eternal reward for you is so waiting.
Thank you for sharing this real stories to give glory to the goodness and love of Jesus towards you and your family. Truly this happens and yes thank you for the reminder never to let your spiritual guards down.
I pray God would greatly use you all for The advancement of his kingdom. This is so timely for me. Salamat! Bless you thousand folds!
This is my struggles too… you know, whenever im heading to the right path, something would come along and sometimes, he wins! So, diasppointed of myself. Im trying harder so i could be a living testimony to my husband that when you have a relationship with God, you’re always Good, Righteous and etc…
But i always fail.
I always pray to God, that he guards my heart ALL THE TIME. yes, i cant do nothing apart from him. Im ashame, that i still have those attitudes, that im still sining, that im not changing.
I hope you include me on your prayers, that whenever the enemy is trying to confuse and lay his schemes, i claim victory.
Amen and amen.
I can’t say I can relate to you totally, Joy. I am still single, but I had a long-term relationship in the past. We fought like cats and dogs with little things like this. Thank you for your honesty.
i wanted to kill my husband sooooo bad…he has abandoned us (we have 2 kids) & he’s living with his mistress since last year. after reading this, i was enlightened…now i dont want to kill him anymore….i just want him to die soon…im soooo sorry i couldnt help but feel soooo bitter & sooo hurt…been the one shouldering our expenses soooo hard…he doesnt even give a single centavo huhuhu…im just a simple private employee earning a little and its never enough…ive so many “utang” na sa mga friends ko because of his selfishness…sna mapabilis ang pagkarma sa kanya at sa kabit nya….
Take it easy. God always have a plan. Have you guys been together for long? How old are your kids?
12 yrs…13 yrs sana this year but that terrible thing happened..our kids..they’re 12 y/o & 2 y/o…
Great sharing!
My take away: we should be intentional in our walk with God. It’s not easy to standstill being good always. Sometimes we fail but God does not only redeems but restores.
Posh Problems.. If you do not cook it yourself, then do not complain what you get.
I agree! She is not his slave.
Wow. Sorry but that is one demanding husband. I cant believe that is even acceptable. How demeaning? I dont know if thats the right word – probably inconsiderate, too. I can’t understand how you would be okay with that. It’s good you spoke up and stood your ground. The way he talks to you – it’s like you’re a slave wife. Very backwards, very traditional biblical marriage view.
I dont think there’s anything wrong with traditional biblical marriage view. In this case I think Joy’s husband is… ano bang english sa maarte? You mentioned the word demeaning to describe him… I was thinking of condescending, but i guess they are similar. He could be more considerate by getting up when the food has been served. But I guess they live in that kind of world where they have helpers and stuff and people need to adjust according to their whim
Oh wait I came up with the better word to describe him… He is so ENTITLED. While there is nothing wrong with the husband being the head of the family and such, it doubt that it should give you an entitlement mentality. I can understand why Joy would get frustrated, and yes it’s better to forgive and accept our husbands, but Edric has plenty of room for improvement too. Oh well this is between Joy and Edric really. But makes me appreciate my husband even more after reading this so thanks for sharing Joy
What a brat! Make the damn eggs yourself if you’re not satisfied with the way it’s prepared. let’s see how you handle “real life” scenarios without yayas and helpers around you.
I think you totally missed it…. It was a request… Womens right i presume?
I am in Davao now and away from home. When I’m miles away, I take time to go back over in thought all the things I have done, mostly the bad ones because they rob me of my peace. Reading your article magnified my guilt because I have my own version of your story. Thankfully, there was no toilet paper thrown but my words were worse than a toilet paper roll hit. Yes, we should never let our spiritual guard down, lest we sin terribly. I am so blessed to be reminded of that important principle.
Thanks for being upfront in sharing your struggles. Indeed, all of us need God’s grace to have stronger & godly marriages… May God continue to use you & your family greatly in expanding His kingdom 🙂
Thanks for sharing Joy! Most of all, thank you for showing us a great story of acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation.
I do hope however, that whenever you’re fighting about food’s coldness or warmness, you’ll come to realized that there were couples having problems on where to get the food that they have to put on the table. Most of the time, coldness doesn’t matter anymore.
Bless your heart,Joy for being so honest. Your humbleness blesses alot of wives out there like me. I totally can relate to how our husbands can seem to be so nit-picky and we over react. I will always remember to be spritually on guard. Takes a lot of grace from Him! 🙂
I also have this habbit if throwing things when I’m angry or emotionally unstable… I am struggling to remove it from my system too… I adore you for your honest blogs… Furthermor I learn a lot…
Thank you once again for this Joy! So timely again! May God always give you and Edric fresh love for each other as you become more and more useful for His Kingdom!
Thank you for being honest, openning your life, struggles and encouragement always inspires me to be a better wife, mother and child of god. I could truly relate to your struggles and the sorrow after failing in a situation. But i find encouragement how you humble yourself to god and your husband. I look forward to your next entry. May god continue to bless your marriage and family
Thank you for being honest, openning your life, struggles and encouragement always inspires me to be a better wife, mother and child of god. I could truly relate to your struggles and the sorrow after failing in a situation. But i find encouragement how you humble yourself to god and to your husband. I look forward to your next entry. May god continue to bless your marriage and family
thank you for sharing. i just realized that I haven’t been praying that much for our marriage. it should be on top of my prayer list. God bless your marriage.
Oh, joy, finally got the time tonight to digest this article and I so loved it coz I can really relate to this incident…parang im looking at myself in the mirror but it is happening to you…thanks for enlightening me…looking forward for more inspiring true to life stories…love it
Hi Joy, thanks a lot for sharing. Honestly, I can relate to your experience. Recently, I had a struggle also about my character and I felt so discouraged about it. But, the good thing is God was so gentle to correct me. One thing I learned is, there are times in our life that we go out of the way but let us go back to the basic that we are saved only by the Grace of God. Realign ourselves and let’s keep on track again. God reminded me in this. So same with you Joy 🙂 I really appreciate that you are so honest to the public. God bless you always 🙂
Thank you Sis. Joy for your vulnerability. Sometimes I get tired of myself already – there’s no more hope for my attitude, especially towards my boyfriend. But 1 Peter 5:8 ministered to me big time, especially at this very moment. Thank you for making time to share your struggles and reflections. I thank God for His works in and through you.
Your husband sounds like an entitled prick.
1. He called you pathetic in front of your children. Sure, bringing your kids into an argument between the both of you and making them choose a side isn’t going to win you any parenting awards, but calling the mother of your children “pathetic” in front of said children is a master-level dick move.
2. He used your period to casually dismiss your argument and call you irrational all in one move! Then, he followed up this new level of douchebaggery with the attempt to take a video of your argument as both proof of your “irrationality” and ammunition for future arguments. Just… wow.
3. This definitely sounds like its not just about having a hot breakfast in the morning. If an argument about eggs gets bad enough that it causes you to pray ” Lord, please forgive me and please heal my marriage.”, then you guys need to take a long, hard look at your marriage.
Thanks for your honesty. It makes people learn. I wish i can be like you. You are a beautiful woman inside out. God bless you and your family.
Thank you, Rosalie. All by God’s grace!
I’ve always been an avid reader of your blog and I appreciate the lessons you share regarding relationships between husband-wife and family relationships. I appreciate you opening up your lives to the public, it can’t be easy to share non-ideal moments like these. There are, however, a few points about this post that disturbed me.
Edric requested that you adjust breakfast time for weekdays and you agreed. Then he asked that breakfast time on weekends be flexible and that is where the conflict erupted – does he not understand that it takes time to prep breakfast , especially for a family as large as yours. I hope he does not mind waiting on the weekends because there is no way he can get freshly-cooked breakfast on-demand unless he is willing to wait a bit.
I didn’t like how he tried to dismiss your attitude by blaming it on your period. What a jerk-y move.
I’m also a bit put off by the part where he tries to (or actually does) record your moment of “emotional instability”. I found it very hateful and vindictive that a husband would record one of his wife’s weakest and worst moments so he could have something to show her or bring up later. I’ve been reading your blog a while and I don’t think you’re the type to deny having an episode like that. Does he have to get proof? Really ?
I’m not an expert on relationships and there is probably a lot more that went on that we’re not privy to but from where I’m standing, he messed up a lot more than you did. I am shaking my head at how you are so grateful when he was extra nice & kind to you the next day – in my book, he still has things he has to apologize for.
Lastly, I am itching to know after all that happened, is what did you guys finally agree on for weekend breakfasts ?
Hi Joy,
Thank you for being transparent and for sharing this post.
I’m 8 months married and I’ve been stubborn when my husband and I argue. But God is gracious, He is working in me,
My family every time say that I am killing my time
here at net, but I know I am getting experience every day by reading such nice content.