A Son Needs His Father

April 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

The other evening, Elijah was struggling with decision-making. Being the perfectionist that he is, he had been practicing his violin 3 hours every day for about a week. And he was beginning to feel stressed.

I did not ask him to do this and neither did Edric. It was his personal conviction to “try his best.” However, I became concerned when it seemed like he was bordering on legalism. He had no peace. It was troubling him deeply that he couldn’t sustain the 3-hour long practices.

So I told him, “Tonight, just practice for 30 minutes. Take a break.” He wrestled with this and replied, “But, I feel like it’s not enough, that I should do it for longer.”

“Elijah, I am your mom. I am your authority. I’m asking you to practice for just 30 minutes tonight because I want you to relax. You don’t need to practice for 3 hours.”

But this didn’t alleviate his stress. And I started to feel exasperated inside when he became emotional and dramatic.

I love Elijah. He is a tender-hearted son who is very sensitive to the Holy Spirit yet he was convinced that he wouldn’t be pleasing to God if he didn’t practice hard enough. Of course, this wasn’t a biblical perspective. He didn’t have to earn God’s favor by playing his violin.

Unfortunately, at that moment, I had to get ready for a dinner so I couldn’t have a long drawn out conversation with him. Edric, on the other hand, takes 5 minutes to get ready so he had time to spare. When he saw that Elijah was anxious and confused, he called him into our room to talk. They had a private conversation about how Elijah was feeling and what was going on in his head.

When the opportunity was right, Edric inserted the principle of obeying your parents and priorities. He reminded Elijah that God has ordained us as his authority. And he can trust that God speaks through us. So if we say he doesn’t need to practice for 3 hours then he can rest assured that following what we say is what God wants him to do.

Then he talked about priorities. He explained to Elijah that it’s a good thing to do your best. However, there are other responsibilities and activities that Elijah needs to get done in a day. So if violin eats into everything else then he’s focusing too much on his violin. Edric used the example of his own life and the decisions he has to make as a man when ordering his priorities.

Elijah breathed a sigh of relief after he heard this and he said, “Thank you, Dad. I really look up to you. When I make decisions, I think about what you would do.”

Sons need heart-to-heart moments with their fathers. I couldn’t have comforted and assured Elijah in the same way that Edric did. Since their talk, he hasn’t been plagued with unnecessary guilt about his violin practices. He has been enjoying them instead.

Edric’s mentorship provides our sons with a different kind of security and confidence than my mothering does. As our sons grow into their manhood, they look to Edric more and more to teach them how to be men and navigate through life. It amazes me how responsive they are to Edric’s guidance and I am blessed that he is present and available to meet their needs. But, I’m also reminded to keep praying for him to be the kind of father they need him to be. And more importantly, I need to pray that he will be the father that God wants him to be. Mentoring three sons is a big responsibility. As sons need their fathers, fathers need their heavenly father to direct, instruct and teach them how to lead their families.

Psalm 25:4 Make me know Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths.

I found these scrapbook pages in my old files from 4 years ago…It was something the kids and I made for Edric.

 

Wanted: Father.

February 7, 2013 By 18 Comments

When Edric and I first became parents, we were wet behind the ears. Most of what we knew about raising our kids was theoretical or passed on from our own experiences as children. Eventually, we learned about biblical parenting principles and we applied them. We are still learning…

When we had Elijah, we were thrilled to be parents. But we didn’t quite get what it meant to be intentional and purposeful in raising our son. Edric was often preoccupied with doing his own thing when he got home from work — like turning on the TV or playing computer games, going out in the evenings for basketball with friends. Edric didn’t ignore Elijah, but their interactions with one another were minimal. The baby stage was foreign territory to him and I didn’t blame him for feeling like he couldn’t relate to a bouncing boy who pooped and peed on himself and wanted to be with mommy to breast feed. He would play with Elijah once in a while but father and son bonding occasions were not in his radar.

As Elijah got older and we had more kids, Edric began to change as a father. I remember an evening when we were sitting around the table for dinner and Edric asked Elijah how he could improve as a dad. Elijah must have been about five years old when he made the statement, “You can spend more time with me.” He used his hands to show that he had this imaginary meter for spending time with dad, and he explained that Edric was at the bottom of the meter. We all started laughing out loud because it was very candid and unscripted. He said it just like it was. “Dad your level is at 0.”

Of course, Edric wanted to improve! And I prayed for him, too. One of the things that really changed in his parenting style was the desire to be present and purposefully available to our kids, especially our sons. At a certain point, he recognized that God gave us three sons for a reason and he had to prayerfully consider what kind of father he needed to be. The boys were not going to grow up to be godly men by accident or osmosis. They needed guidance. They needed their dad.

So every year, he would sit down with me and talk about our goals for the kids. He would share about the areas he felt they needed to work on and how he intended to play a big part in mentoring and teaching them. I always appreciated this because it made me feel very secure and confident as a wife that my husband was in charge, that he actually had a plan and direction for the family. (In fact, I often tell him that this is one of his more attractive traits.)

During the second week of January, we had a meeting to talk about goals for the kids. He asked me to prepare my homeschool goals and we aligned on what I would work on and what he had itemized as a priority list for each of our kids. Some of the list covered spiritual and emotional aspects and others were practical skills.

One of the practical skills Edric outlined for our six year old, Edan, was to acquire the ability to swim and bike. Living in the city has put constraints on the amount of time we spend outside and this means we don’t have as many opportunities to expose our children to biking, swimming, climbing trees, playing in parks, etc. Sadly, our kids would be well-content to stay indoors and let their muscles atrophy too if Edric and I did not do anything about it. But since we grew up being outside for most of our childhood, we want our kids to experience the same joys and adventures we had. Plus, they need Vitamin D!

So…swimming and biking it is for now. Edric started Edan’s training program two weekends ago and I must say, it is impressive to watch him “coach” Edan. I am not talking about doggie-paddling stuff. Edric used to be a swimmer so he knows all the drills. His first hurdle was getting Edan to overcome his fear of the water and then putting his head under water and blowing bubbles. Well, I was amazed last Sunday when I saw Edan swimming in the big pool! He touched the bottom of the pool with his hands and he swam a significant distance all by himself. After just two sessions with his dad, Edan was laughing and thrilled that he accomplished so much. I was clapping my hands and cheering everytime time he would pop his head out of the water for recognition. (That’s my role in this swimming and biking training…the over-affirming cheerleader.)

Edric is able to do, in a fraction of the time, what would take me days and days to achieve with the boys. With him, they learn quicker. They develop confidence and masculine traits. They overcome their insecurities. I actually enjoy being on the sidelines spying on them. For one thing, it is fun to check out my husband. (Did I already say I find him so attractive earlier?) My second delight is seeing the expressions on my sons’ faces when they have Edric’s full and undivided attention. I see the way they look at Edric. Admiration, respect, desire to please, assurance, favor, love…it’s all mixed in there.

I get puppy eyes for sympathy when they need a hug or when they want me to say yes to a request. Okay, on occasion, I get sparkly eyes when they are excited about learning. Of course, I get the love look. The point is, I am not perceived as the hero. That sort of adulation is reserved for Edric. And it doesn’t make me envious. I want the boys to gravitate towards him. After all, I have my own little acolyte and her name is Tiana.

When Edric and I got home from “swimming lessons,” we talked about Edan’s progress. I also thanked him for following through with his commitment to teach Edan. He went on to say that Edan didn’t want to get out of the water because he was having so much fun, and then Edric started to get teary-eyed which caught me off-guard. “Are you okay?”, I asked him. Spontaneous tears seemed like a hormonal thing that would have been much more characteristic of me than him.

He answered, “I don’t know. I guess it is because I live for these moments, seeing our kids bloom and mature and being able to be a part of that. I enjoy ministry and I know that it is important, but you guys are my first ministry…you and the kids.”

Who had the love look now?! Me, of course! I fall in love with my husband all over again when he says things like this. I have always appreciated Edric as a husband, but in recent years, I have been so grateful to the Lord that he has embraced being a father. His commitment to family is a blessing that I attribute to the Lord’s work in his life. Many years ago, I really prayed that he would recognize how irreplaceable he is in the lives of our children…that they need him now, not just later, not from a distance, but up close. When Edric developed a burden to disciple, teach and train our kids, I knew that it was God who put that desire in him and continues to do so.

The reality is Edric is still very busy and he is not able to be with the kids 24/7 but he came up with a game-plan for our kids about 4 years ago. He told me we were going to use Luke 2:52 as a reference for how our children should mature. It reads, “And Jesus grew in wisdom, stature, favor with God and men.”

WISDOM: Are they able to discern right from wrong and make wise choices?
STATURE: Are they developing their physical abilities and talents?
FAVOR WITH GOD: Do they have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and do they have the heart to know, love, obey, worship, and serve him?
FAVOR WITH MAN: Are they learning biblical character traits and applying them with family members and others?

These four areas have simplified our parenting to the essentials. It has helped me to think through the goals I set for our homeschooling and Edric can major on the major to maximize his time with the kids. Just the other night, he reminded me again that it boils down to, “passing on a godly legacy.”

Being an intentional father doesn’t mean a dad has to quit his job and spend 14 hours with his child everyday. It’s about setting aside purposeful moments that are devoted to discipleship with resulting big impact.


The statistics on fatherless homes are so compelling, I thought I would include some highlights here to encourage all of us to pray for our husbands. We need them to lead spiritually and by godly example, and we need their effective discipleship in the home.

From http://fatherhood.gov/library/dad-stats:

Children with actively involved fathers display less behavior problems in school.
Amato, P.R., and Rivera, F., 1999, “Paternal Involvement and Children’s Behavior Problems,” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, 375–384.

Girls with strong relationships with their fathers do better in mathematics.
Radin, N., and Russell, G., 1983, “Increased Father Participation and Child Development Outcomes,” in Fatherhood and Family Policy, edited by M.E. Lamb and A. Sagi, Hillside, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum, pp. 191–218.

Boys with actively involved fathers tend to get better grades and perform better on achievement tests.
Biller, H.B. 1993, Fathers and Families: Paternal Factors in Child Development, Westport, CT: Auburn House.

Research shows that even very young children who have experienced high father involvement show an increase in curiosity and in problem solving capacity. Fathers’ involvement seems to encourage children’s exploration of the world around them and confidence in their ability to solve problems.
Pruett, Kyle D. 2000. Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child. New York: Free Press.

From First Things First

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 18 million U.S. children now live in single-parent homes. Only 3.5 percent of these children live with their fathers.

“….the absence of the father from the home affects significantly the behavior of adolescents and results in greater use of alcohol and marijuana.” Source: Beman, Deane Scott. “Risk Factors Leading to Adolescent Substance Abuse.”

A 15-year-old girl who has lived with her mother only is three times as likely to lose her virginity before her sixteenth birthday than one who has lived in a home with both parents. Lee Smith, “The New Wave of Illegitimacy,” Fortune 18 (April 1994) 81-94.

85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control) Fallen Fathers, 2008.

80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26

85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. Fulton Co. Georgia, Texas Dept. of Correction- Fallen Fathers

From The Fatherless Generation

Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to get A’s in school.

Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to enjoy school and engage in extracurricular activities.

Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.

Studies on parent-child relationships and child wellbeing show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.

——

Fatherlessness is being passed on from one generation to another like a cancer that is killing the families of today and tomorrow. Sadly, the cure is not found within ourselves. We cannot cure this ill without being healed by Jesus Christ first. Why? We have been separated from our own father — God the Father — by sin. But Jesus says, “I am the way the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6)

I think of Edric and my own dad as great fathers but God is still the best father of all. He loves each one of us perfectly and unconditionally, and he desires to have a relationship with us for eternity. If you came from a fatherless home or live in one, you don’t have be a victim of this trend. Come to the Father of All and experience his love through Jesus Christ. He will be father to you. He will love you as you long to be loved.

Family Culture

September 22, 2012 By 12 Comments

One of the things I have always appreciated about my parents is the humility with which they receive correction, especially when that correction comes from their kids.

Weeks ago, my dad found out about Elijah’s eyesight grade. When I told him that Elijah’s grade was 400/425, one of his first comments was, “Well, you are partly to blame. It is your fault for not feeding him the right food. You have to be very intentional about what you let him eat.I see the way he eats his food and he is lacking vegetables…” Here I was, hoping for some word of encouragement, but he was giving me a lecture. And he doesn’t see what Elijah eats every single meal so it wasn’t even an accurate observation on his part.

I was hurt when he said this and I retaliated with a joke. “Actually the doctor said it’s genetic and I don’t wear glasses, so it might be from you, dad.” We both laughed when I said this, but I didn’t tell him right there and then that his comment made me feel like a failure. I know my dad. He is a teacher at heart and his intentions are usually good. But there are moments when he errs on his style of correction.

Days after, I visited him in his home and went up to his study room to talk to him. He was seated at his desk studying and reading his Bible. “Dad, can I tell you something?” My dad stopped what he was doing. I said, “I felt hurt when I shared with you about Elijah’s eyes and you corrected me right away. I know you meant well because I know you, but I was surprised that your first instinct was to say that I didn’t feed him the right food.”

At this point, my dad turned his chair around and gave me his full attention. “Really?” He asked with utmost sincerity and concern. When I expounded on how it made me feel, he asked for my forgiveness and spoke kindly and gently to me.

The conversation continued and I added, “You know I was just wondering if you do that with other people. Like people who work for you. Maybe they might feel de-motivated, especially if they look up to you.” He had this thoughtful look on his face, and he said, “You are right. I can improve in this area. I need to be more encouraging and positive. Other people have told me that.” There was no defensiveness on his part. He really meant what he said.

As far back as I can remember, dad has been the kind of father who listens to the correction of his children. My dad instituted this kind of culture in our home. We were allowed to speak up and express our feelings, concerns, and share how our parents could improve. In fact, both my parents would ask us regularly, “Is there any way we can improve?” Then they would listen intently and openly to our suggestions, take them to heart, and really make the effort to change.

Well today, I visited my dad again. I went up to his study room (his usual hang-out) and I had a long chat with him about the message he was preparing for Sunday worship. He gave me a sneak peak into the topic he was going to preach on. We exchanged ideas and dialogued about possible illustrations and bible passages.

At some point, I interjected and said, “Dad, I just want you to know that you were a good example to me when you listened to what I said about Elijah’s eyesight…about my getting hurt and all. It meant a lot that you were humble enough to say sorry. I also wanted to tell you that I noticed you have been trying to be really positive with the men you are mentoring. I saw you go out of your way to encourage a couple of them the other day at church and I have been very blessed by your efforts to change.”

“Oh really?” He replied with his big smile. He thanked me for the encouragement and went on to talk about how he really needed to grow in the area of affirming, fathering, and mentoring the men he disciples. I lingered in his study room for a wee bit longer as he finished discussing the rest of his outline for Sunday’s message.

I enjoyed visiting with my dad. I always do, and so do my siblings and our spouses. My parents established a family culture that has been about open communication, unconditional acceptance and love, peace among family members, predictable joyfulness, as well as mutual respect and honor.

By saying these things I don’t want to make it seem like I am elevating my parents or giving them all the credit. The real secret to this family culture has been Jesus Christ. My parents have walked with him, followed him, and lived by his principles which made our home a wonderful place to always come back to, even when we were grown up. My dad has this joke that he can’t “get rid of us.”

Well, Edric and I are trying to develop this same culture in our home. Just two days ago, Elijah corrected me for having a bad attitude about my cell phone. I had tossed it on the car seat in an exasperated way when it didn’t turn on. When we got back to the house, Elijah confronted me and said, “You had a bad attitude, mom.” He did not say it disrespectfully, he was merely pointing out an obvious reality. For a split second I was tempted to defend myself, but somewhere in my subconscious I must have remembered my dad’s example of humbly receiving correction and I responded by saying, “You are right, hon. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have behaved that way. Will you forgive me?” Elijah readily forgave me, hugged me, and then went to go play with his brothers.

Family culture matters. Can our children correct us? Are we willing to change when they do? Do we say sorry when we are wrong? Is forgiveness readily given? Is conflict resolved quickly and in a way that honors God? Do our children feel important, loved and treasured? Are family members joyful and at peace?

Maybe it is just a theory but if families tried being like this, I really think grown up children and their spouses would look forward to visiting mom and dad more often! They would want to keep coming back!

God Will Find You

July 28, 2012 By Leave a Comment

The true story of a Jewish family friend…

Once upon a time there was a Jewish boy who was a foster child. He went from home to home but never really had parents who loved and cared for him. He didn’t want anyone to know that he didn’t have parents. He was ashamed. So he busied himself studying, working hard so that he was always preoccupied. He also tried to be the best at everything. But he kept his real background a secret.

As he grew up into a teenager, he felt a deep emptiness and sadness. He didn’t feel there was reason to live. So he planned to take his life at the age of 17.

One evening, however, his friend invited him to have dinner with his family. He didn’t know that his friend was a Christian. As he watched the family pray, he was surprised that they didn’t read their prayers mechanically. They spoke to God as if he was real and present. And they prayed in Jesus’ name. This surprised him.

Over time, as he got to know his friend’s family, he began to be curious about Jesus. His friend’s mom encouraged him to pray to Jesus to ask him to reveal himself. He didn’t really know what to pray but he wrote out a sincere prayer asking this. And, he prayed it.

The very next day, he went to work like he usually did. (He would work from 6 to 7:30 am before school, go to school, and then work again after school.) The grocery where he worked would make him sort and organize the newspapers every morning. As he was sorting through the papers, on one of the main pages, he read the name “YESHUA.” He could not believe it. Why? This was a very reputed Jewish newspaper and they were advertising that the Jesus film would be showing in one of the major theaters in Jerusalem! He knew this was his answer. The film was brought in by Campus Crusade for Christ. They had added verses from the Old Testament at the bottom of the film.

He went to watch the film and he said everything converged. Since he knew the Old Testament very well, he suddenly understood that the prophesies were indeed fulfilled in the person of Jesus Christ. It all made sense to him. He made the decision to believe in Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior.

That same day he went back to the foster home and he shared the good news of the gospel with the other kids. Only one of the guys also believed (the one guy he thought would not because they were “enemies.”) Eventually, however, they were both kicked out of the orphanage because of their beliefs.

But our friend explained that God was with him and blessed him. He took care of him. The Christian family took him in. And in whatever he did, he prospered. God’s hand of protection was also upon him. He should have died five times when he was in the military but God preserved his life.

Today this family friend is a messianic Jew who is an ambassador for Jesus Christ. He speaks all around the world about end-times. And his message is clear — Jesus is coming soon! His story ministered to me because it made me think of the sovereignty and love of God.

God pursues us. He finds us and lets himself be found by us. He wants to be our father. He has a special plan for all of us. And in Jesus’ death and resurrection we have the beautiful message of God’s invitation to this fellowship. God sent his son as payment for a debt we could not pay. He did everything possible to make a way for us to come to him and be his children. Such is his love for us.

Some people say, “If there is really only one way to God through Jesus, then what about all the people who never hear about the gospel?” Well, I am absolutely convinced that we cannot put God in a box. He has a time table for every person to know Him. He reveals himself through his word, people, circumstances, and even miracles when necessary. But we have to make a choice, we have to respond.

He doesn’t want to give us religion, he wants to give us forgiveness, unconditional love, joy, righteousness, peace…all the things we long for…all the things we were made for…

Seek the Lord while He may be found;
Call upon Him while He is near. (Isaiah 55:6 NASB)

What Children Teach Us About God

July 6, 2012 By 8 Comments

Over the past couple of months, one of my sons has been learning how to deal with failure and blocked goals. It has not been easy for him to accept it when he feels he cannot do something. In fact, he has admitted to Edric and I during several occasions that he struggles with pride. He likes to win, to be excellent, and to feel accomplished and competent. While these aspects of his personality may not necessarily be bad, they can be rooted in pride (which is the bigger character issue.) When we ask him to keep trying, he will sometimes say, “I don’t want to.” As a result, he stops short of experiencing the blessings of humility and obedience. We are working on this, but admittedly, it’s not easy for me to be patient with my son’s emotions. He gets into some sort of emotional tunnel-vision and struggles to listen to truth and act upon it.

For example, I took my kids wall climbing with some friends. My son and his cousin easily scaled the first few walls. However, when my son was confronted with a physical challenge that he couldn’t overcome he acted like it was the end of the world. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t finish one of the harder walls and he flipped out. But it really was a challenging wall. There is no way I could have done it. It was for very skilled climbers.

So there I was, trying to help him manage his frustration and expectations of himself. After all, this was part of growing in maturity — learning to deal with failure positively and having the right perspective.

But he said, “I don’t want to go again. I can’t do it!” And he broke down. The other kids around him asked me why he was crying. I knew this was an uncomfortable moment for him. I hugged him, but I also whispered in his ear, “You’ve got to suck it in and be a man. Try again. This is your first time to really go wall climbing. You already climbed three walls. This is a difficult wall. You just need to practice.” I assurred him that it was okay not to be able to get it the first time. Yet, he kept focusing on his inability to do it. He did not want to listen to me.

Finally, I kept quiet. I realized that my comments were not really helpful. Be a man?! Really?! What the?! Was that my best pep talk?! So I just put my arm around him and let him settle down first. After a while, he climbed again. However, despite his best effort, he couldn’t complete that one wall and he remained disappointed with himself.

I discussed this incident with Edric when we got home. Edric was familiar with this same behavior in our son.

We both understand that parenting is not an overnight thing. It requires commitment to the end goal of raising our kids to love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. So helping our son to change requires patience, creativity, unconditional love, lots of prayer, and selflessness on our part. It also entails that we prioritize heart and character transformation over external, behavioral fixes.

Well, I praise God for a husband like Edric, who does not give up on our kids and throw his hands up in the air and say, “I have had it!” (Which is sometimes what I am tempted to do!) Instead, he very wisely strategizes ways to disciple and mentor our kids.

With this one son, he planned bonding time which involved trail biking. During his first attempt, our son stumbled here and there, and got frustrated and angry with himself because he struggled through the trails and almost got lost. Again, he wanted to give up. But Edric did not let him. He planned another bike trip very early the next day for “character training — round 2″.

This time our son didn’t want to wake up. He told Edric, “I don’t think I can do it, dad. I don’t think I am ready.” But Edric said, “Yes, you can. Let’s do this.” It was our son’s obedience that had to kick in at this point. He got himself up, put on his gear and headed out the door with Edric.

I don’t know how to explain it but there is something magical that happens when fathers spend purposeful time with their sons. Boys become men. As opposed to me ineffectively saying, “be a man” and giving him no reference or example to follow, Edric was able to guide him, teach him, encourage and affirm him man-to-man during their bonding activity.

By the end of their ride, they had scaled four hills and one very challenging incline. Our son managed to stay on his bike until the last part. He did have one bad fall at the tail end of their ride but he got back up and finished well without tears and with a positive spirit.

What was the secret? Edric explained to me that he was firm but affirming. He narrated to me their experience and how he would continually remind our son, “just follow me and listen to my instructions.” He kept saying, “You can do it!” and profusely complimented him when he would make a climb or difficult turn.

When I talked with my son, he told me his version. “I obeyed and followed daddy, and I didn’t get lost. When I got to the hard parts, the hills, daddy told me to shift my gears so I would be able to go up easier and I did. And daddy was so proud of me because I did it and I did not fall (until the last part). What I learned was to listen to daddy and to overcome.”

I thought our son’s experience was a great example about our relationship with God. God is committed to transforming us. He doesn’t let us remain us we are, but customizes circumstances to teach us life lessons that will draw us closer to himself. If we refuse to cooperate and obey, we miss out on the victory he has in store for us. And worst of all, we do not experience intimacy with him — the greater blessing. But if we listen to him and obey his voice instead of focusing on ourselves, our inabilities, our fears, our disappointments or our doubts, God faithfully comes through for us. We may not be exempted from pain or hardship, but God never leaves us or forsakes us. He goes with us and he goes before us. We just have to follow and trust him.

Yesterday, our son told me, “I want to grow up to be strong like Daddy.” In the same way, when a person walks closely and intimately with God, he finds himself saying, “I want to be like you, Lord. Help me to be like you.”

Our kids are still growing and maturing, and Edric and I always have to remember that we are in it for the long haul as we teach them what it means to be Christ-like. Parenting is not a sprint. It is marathon. Character transformation in our children does not happen in an instant. It is lifelong.

Character transformation in our lives is the same way. It takes time to become the persons God wants us to be. And, unlike earthly parents who can fail at their commitment to teach and train their children, God, as our heavenly father, does not fail us. God will never fail us!

‘Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ (Isaiah 41:10 NASB)

When Boys Go Biking with their Dads

May 26, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Edric took Elijah, our eldest son, for a bike ride around the city. And it was magic for building his manhood.

As for me, I am glad I wasn’t there because it would have freaked me out to know that cars were passing closely beside my son or trying to dodge him while he biked on the main thoroughfare near our place.

It was Edric’s idea to include Elijah and it was his invitation for dad and son bonding time that mattered so much. So off they went on their merry way — father and son.

Well, they had a blast. Elijah came into the study room to see me when he got home. He was drenched in sweat but smiling from ear to ear. After catching his breath, he told me about their biking adventure. He was obviously excited and happy as he narrated his experience.

He also told me a funny story about a bird that chased Edric. I half-believed him at that point and thought that maybe he was exaggerating until Edric told me the same thing.

Apparently, Edric was going up a grassy hill when a bird swooped down and started chirping wildly. Then it followed him and flew close to his head as if it was going to attack him. It was so bizarre and Edric had to evade it. In fact, he nearly got thrown off his bike because he was trying to get away from that crazy bird.

As for Elijah, his most memorable part was going through the off-road areas that were overgrown and unpredictable. Edric saved a tidbit of their conversation to pass on to me, thinking that I might possibly want to write about it. And here I am doing just that.

It was not easy for Elijah to navigate through all the difficult parts on his bike but Edric kept encouraging him and not allowing him to give in to his fear or emotions. So Elijah pushed on, peddling hard and trying his best. At one point, however, Elijah could not make his way past the tall grassy areas so Edric instructed him to follow right behind him. And he did.

Then he said something that I feel is emblematic of a father and son relationship. As Edric conquered the terrain, Elijah was able to move through the same way with greater ease. He even said, “Dad it’s amazing! Your bike is able to create a path for me so it is easy for me to follow.”

I just thought this statement gave good insight into the necessity or a husband and father to take the lead. Sons need to have a clear path to follow. Fathers help to carve out that path for them. But they make the most impact when they are in front, leading the way…by example.

I am sure an occasion like this made a big deposit in Elijah’s heart. May he have many more of these magical father and son bonding moments with Edric!

Character is a Family Thing

February 24, 2012 By Leave a Comment

“I will be grateful,” Edan said as he ate a spoonful of vegetables. He didn’t want to eat the salad I served him but we had just learned about the character trait of gratefulness so he changed his attitude. I didn’t have to say anything. He paused for a bit, looked at the spoon, and made that statement.

A couple of days prior to this, the boys memorized the verse, “In everything give thanks…”(1 Thessalonians 5:18) Edric taught them the character trait of gratefulness. We all discussed what we are thankful for and how we could apply thankfulness during the week.

I didn’t realize the boys had really internalized the lesson until Edan said he wanted to be thankful about his food. In fact, I knew they really got it when they corrected me about ungratefulness! When I was talking about how I didn’t like the quality of the food or the rooms of a retreat we just attended.  “Mom, be grateful!”  Ouch. But in a good way. I’m glad my children feel the liberality to point out how I can improve. And most of the time, they do so in a very polite way with just enough of a sting in their comments to jolt me out of my wrong thinking or behaviour.

There was another instance when I was not being spirit-filled by getting impatient, and my kids showed me the action for “be filled with the spirit.” (Edric has them memorize actions to go along with the verses he teaches them.) Well, of course I was convicted! So I changed my tone of voice and words.

It’s not always easy to be corrected by my kids because it is so incredibly humbling, but it’s good for my heart. I am thankful for the way God uses them to help me grow in Christ-likeness. But I am even more thankful for Edric. His spiritual leadership in our home has made our children responsive to character training. For some reason, and I’ve probably said this many times, Edric is so much more effective at teaching God’s word and character to our sons. They really listen when he instructs them.  It is truly as God said, “the man is the head of the home.” He designed for a father to lead the way, spiritually speaking. And when fathers take this role seriously, everyone gets with the program!

 

Dad Matters

November 25, 2011 By 1 Comment

As I was leaving TMA Homeschool’s office the other day, I grabbed my boys’ stuff — two violins, a music bag, a backpack and a lunch bag and made my way towards the kids and Edric. They were sitting in the consultation room finishing their lunch. I almost got to them when I was intercepted by my older son, who noticed that I was carrying all their things. He quickly came to my aid and said, “Mom, let me help you. I don’t want dad to see you carrying our things.”

A part of me wanted to carry everything myself so we could get out of the office quicker. I had another activity to attend and it was an hour away. However, our son was very insistent and I knew that he wanted to please his dad by being responsible for his own things. So I said, “Thanks, hon. You’ve gotten so strong. I really appreciate you helping me.” I noticed he flexed his muscles and was motivated to exert more effort as he took the bags and violins from me.

The desire to take charge of his things was instilled in him by Edric. And I really appreciate that Edric is taking his role as a father seriously, even in the little ways. On Thursdays, our older sons come into the office with him to attend their violin and Taekwondo classes. He uses this time to mentor them. One of the things he has trained them to do is keep track of their belongings and be responsible for them. It doesn’t sound like such a big deal, but for our boys, taking care of their things does not come naturally. Left alone, their closets and toys would be in a constant state of explosion!

One thing is for sure, Edric has a special way with our sons. His input, mentoring, feedback, guidance, and encouragement does wonders. I love it because it makes my parenting a whole lot easier. But more than that, our sons are growing up with a clear understanding of what it means to be a man because Edric is so hands on with them and present in their lives.

We know many fathers who are purposeful with their sons and we can see the difference — the confidence, sense of security, and masculinity exhibited by the boys, young men or grown men who have spent alot of time with their dads. In fact, just today we had lunch with a homeschooling family in Cebu and Edric and I asked the sons (a 13 and 15 year old), “What is one thing you appreciate about your parents?” The 13 year old son said, “Quiet time with dad.” We asked what that meant and he shared that it’s when he gets to spend one on one time with his dad to ask and talk about anything. Edric and I took note of this because our sons are still young but they will need Edric more and more as they grow up.

In a world where gender confusion is so common, I thank God for a husband who recognizes his integral role in raising our sons to be men. I pray that all fathers would realize how much a dad matters, especially to their sons. And I also pray they would remember that being the kind of dad the matters starts with having a relationship with our heavenly father. (A friend reminded me to include this last part.:))

“He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers…” (Malachi 4:6 NASB)

Happy Father’s Day, Hon!

June 21, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I married a most amazing man who became a most amazing father to our children. Thank you for being a Malachi dad to our sons and daughter.

I want to honor you for letting our God turn your heart to the hearts of our children.

Malachi 4:6 He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.”

A Father’s Prayer

June 20, 2011 By Leave a Comment

One of the best things a father can do is teach his son the way he should go, but a greater father knows that this an impossible task without God’s intervention and help.

On Saturday morning, January 17,2004, Papa (Edric’s father), emailed this prayer to Edric. Since then Edric has kept the print out of this email as a reminder of how he should live his life.

Here is the prayer General Douglas McArthur wrote to his son…(He was a homeschooler, too!)

Prayer for A Son

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishes will not take that place of deeds; a son who will know Thee–and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.

Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the weakness of true strength.

Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, “I have not lived in vain.”

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