Nearly four months ago we started building our home. I will probably give birth before we are able to move in but that’s alright. We can squeeze in one more baby in our condo for a few more months until our house is finished. It’s been such a blessing to witness God’s faithfulness on this project. Today, Edric and I went to visit the site to take some pictures. I don’t know if it is genetically wired into me to like construction materials since my dad is a real estate developer but I found so many interesting things to photograph!
Future Home
April 7, 2013 By 1 Comment
Goodbye, Apron!
April 3, 2013 By 9 Comments
We have been rescued! My parents offered for us to stay with them until our replacement househelp arrives. Yippee! I was glad for the period of trying to do everything on our own. It was character building for me and the Lord was certainly gracious. But honestly, while ironing Edric’s shirts last night, I was like, “I think I’ve had it. I’m officially tired.” It was fun being the woman version of Handy Mandy at home, but I’ve got to get back to my 5%. Household chores can be outsourced…especially things like ironing. Being available to my husband and kids has been my neglected 5%.
If Edric hadn’t agreed to staying at my parents, we would have kept on with our yaya-less lifestyle until mid-April when we are expecting at least one, and then another one beginning of May. But, whew. This attempt at the American lifestyle sans all the efficiencies of American living was a fun challenge while it lasted yet impossibly sustainable. If I had one kid and I wasn’t pregnant, I could do this for the long haul. Four kids and pregnant with a husband who needs crisp collared shirts ironed for a TV show on a regular basis? I was delusional to think that it could be a permanent option just because I was sick and tired of househelp politics and issues. I need yayas. I admit it. I don’t need their drama and the stress that comes with managing them. However, I’m willing to change my attitude and perspective so that I can go back to dating my husband, teaching my children, doing ministry and writing.
My hats off to all the women out there who do everything and manage to make it look so easy. You are superwomen. I am not. I am pregnant woman.
As pregnant woman, I found myself becoming a nag about cleaning this and cleaning that, picking this up and picking that up. And everytime my kids would say, “Mom, can you read us a story?” Or, “Mom, can we do our work?” I would reply with, “Sorry, I have to finish washing the dishes,” Or, “Sorry, mommy has to clean the bathrooms.” It broke my heart to have to send the kids away and tell the to go find something else to do because I wasn’t available. That’s when it dawned on me. This isn’t sustainable. The kids need me for more important things beyond scrubbed floors, cooked meals, and sparkly toilets. All of these chores are cannibalizing my time, my day, my week!
What a blessing it is to be able to exhale from all of that as I sit here, leaning comfortably on four pillows knowing that I don’t have to hold a mop or wash dishes for the next 14 days (unless I miss it and feel the urge to). When my parents invited and Edric was okay with it, I packed half a van full of clothes, food, homeschool books, and the other half with my children, and said, “Kids, we are going to grandma’s.” Of course, they were thrilled. Staying at my parents means being four houses away from their cousins.
As for me, it means a sweet vacation from the do-it-all-yourself-everyday-lifestyle. Lord willing, by the end of the month, we will have our own househelp again. In the meantime, it sure is nice to walk into a kitchen and have your own mom say, “I had lunch prepared for you.” I really enjoy being a mom but it is awesome to STILL have a mom, too!
Goodbye, apron… see you in 14 days…
Tiana wore one, too!
The almost desperate housewife, but not quite…
pregnant mom
My Exceeding Joy
March 18, 2013 By 15 Comments
It’s been another back-breaking day for me without househelp. At one point Sunday morning, I wanted to cry out of self-pity. But God used Edan to minister to me in a very uncanny way. He went to play the piano (something he rarely does these days), and the first song he played was “The Joy of the Lord Is My Strength.” I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even realize he knew that song. The message was loud and clear: Despite the present circumstances, I can have joy…an inexplicable joy, because of the Lord.
The boys helped me with chores. Edric has been incredibly sweet and patient. He loves it when I serve him. But we both know that this isn’t sustainable. With four young children, homeschooling, ministry, house-building, work-stress (more so for him than for me), and oh yah, I’m nearly 5 months pregnant…this is a temporary phase. While I enjoy being in charge of the home and being this hands on, I won’t be able to do this for an indefinite period of time. For one thing, it kills my back. I am having more frequent bouts with the excruciating pain that scoliosis inflicts as my pregnancy belly grows bigger.
How did we ever get into this predicament of no househelp, anyway? Just a week ago, I had three yayas! Now, I am down to one and she is on vacation. A short one. I do hope she comes back, too.
Over the past couple of months, I have had one disappointing experience after another when it comes to hiring househelp. I’ve had to laugh out loud at the comedy of it all. God has allowed us to have so many fails when it comes to hiring yayas. From one lady eating the kids’ snacks and juice drinks without conscience, to the same person abusing my kindness, to another needing to return home because of a crying husband, to another having to leave because her mother is a stroke victim, to one who almost gave Titus a bath in the sink, to a current yaya whose abrasive and panicky personality can offend others who work with her (she is currently on vacation), well, I must say that this cannot be coincidental.
When Edan got on the piano and played that song, I knew that God was dealing with my heart. He IS dealing with my heart. Present-tense. This is a character building experience for me. God has blessed me with a comfortable and easy life. Just the other day I was telling Edric how much I appreciate him for working so hard so I can enjoy a stress-free existence. And then, WHAM! Yaya, yaya, yaya, yaya madness. This is a divinely ordained trial so that I can grow in character!
My great temptation is to complain. But when I pause to contemplate the spiritual aspect of what’s going on, there is blessing in all this discomfort, in the annoyances I would rather not have to put up with. For one thing, I felt the very tender presence of the Lord as I was frying bacon and flipping pancakes on Sunday morning before church. As I lingered on the verge of self-pity, I was consoled by the reality that “Lord, you are all I need. I can do this if you are with me. I know you are always with me.”
Today, while washing dishes, mopping the floor, bathing the kids, picking up after them and with them, cleaning the toilets, wiping, sweeping, and cooking, the Lord has been my song and my happiness. He has made me smile even during moments when my back couldn’t take it anymore.
When I was rinsing off plates after lunch, I could hardly move my left leg. Boy, did I want to cry from the pain. Elijah came over to hug me because he heard me wincing. I just prayed, “Lord you have to help me.” The pain subsided.
During these past few days of what I would deem as a measure of suffering (a small measure in comparison to others but it still feels like a cross to bear, none the less), God has brought to mind the story of my grandfather and father who have been such good examples to me when it comes to joyfulness.
Many, many years ago, my grandfather was the owner of one the biggest textile mills in the Philippines. He had come from China and through hard work and perseverance, built an “empire.” This was back in the 1960s and early 70s. He even had an office in the Empire State Building. My father told me he grew up with a “platinum spoon.”
However, due to untoward circumstances and a corrupt government, my grandfather lost almost everything. It was humbling for my dad’s family, but my dad speaks of that time as one of the biggest blessings in his own life.
My dad started his own business and God gave him a burden to start a ministry to business people. As a self-supporting pastor, he began meeting with a group of businessmen back in the early 1980s, and with them started a church called Christ Commission Fellowship. Today, nearly 29 years later, CCF is a movement of close to 50,000 Christ-committed followers, with churches planted all over the Philippines and even abroad.
I am sharing this because God causes all things to work together for good. He is never surprised by the catastrophic (big and small) events that happen in our lives. He is always in control, always at work to bring about his greater purposes. If my dad had kept working for my grandfather’s company, he would not have started his own successful business in land development. But more significantly, he would have been deaf to the call of the Lord to ministry.
One of the things that this life lesson taught him that he has passed on to me and my siblings is the importance of perspective. He told me that his father (my grandfather) never once bad-mouthed anyone or developed bitterness about the loss of his business. He did not harbor resentment toward those who did him wrong. And when he was slighted and humiliated afterwards, he did not react in anger. To this day, my 93-year old grandfather is a happy person. He can’t remember who most of us are, but he is not a cranky, old man!
Because of my grandfather’s example and God’s grace, my dad is very much like my grandfather. He is a thankful, joyful person, even during unfavorable circumstances. After watching his testimony closely over years, I know that it is the joy of the Lord that makes him this way. The right perspective on people and experiences allows him to process things in a spirit-filled manner.
When I think about this story, I am reminded to count my own blessings. Admittedly, I am very discouraged and disappointed with the inefficiencies and undependability of those that have worked for me as of late, but I have so much to be thankful for. Edric, the kids, and I – our family unit – we are okay, in tact, at peace. Love and laughter abound. I am pregnant but God gives me the physical strength to do all the chores I have to. There are four young children to attend to, but they do not give me heartache. Today, we didn’t get to homeschool, but we re-arranged their book cabinet and they all took care of one another. We can make it up another day. I feel tired and spent, but no time has been wasted on idle activities. In other words, I am managing just fine by God’s grace.
Would I prefer that my situation were otherwise? Certainly! But God gives me reason to rejoice. He is my exceeding joy! Psalm 43:4 says, “Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise you, o my God, my God.”
I do not know what will happen in the days to come in terms of our househelp situation, but in the meantime, I am enjoying being sustained and upheld by the Lord.
Psalm 90:14 “O satisfy us in the morning with Your lovingkindness, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.”
Wanted: Father.
February 7, 2013 By 19 Comments
When Edric and I first became parents, we were wet behind the ears. Most of what we knew about raising our kids was theoretical or passed on from our own experiences as children. Eventually, we learned about biblical parenting principles and we applied them. We are still learning…
When we had Elijah, we were thrilled to be parents. But we didn’t quite get what it meant to be intentional and purposeful in raising our son. Edric was often preoccupied with doing his own thing when he got home from work — like turning on the TV or playing computer games, going out in the evenings for basketball with friends. Edric didn’t ignore Elijah, but their interactions with one another were minimal. The baby stage was foreign territory to him and I didn’t blame him for feeling like he couldn’t relate to a bouncing boy who pooped and peed on himself and wanted to be with mommy to breast feed. He would play with Elijah once in a while but father and son bonding occasions were not in his radar.
As Elijah got older and we had more kids, Edric began to change as a father. I remember an evening when we were sitting around the table for dinner and Edric asked Elijah how he could improve as a dad. Elijah must have been about five years old when he made the statement, “You can spend more time with me.” He used his hands to show that he had this imaginary meter for spending time with dad, and he explained that Edric was at the bottom of the meter. We all started laughing out loud because it was very candid and unscripted. He said it just like it was. “Dad your level is at 0.”
Of course, Edric wanted to improve! And I prayed for him, too. One of the things that really changed in his parenting style was the desire to be present and purposefully available to our kids, especially our sons. At a certain point, he recognized that God gave us three sons for a reason and he had to prayerfully consider what kind of father he needed to be. The boys were not going to grow up to be godly men by accident or osmosis. They needed guidance. They needed their dad.
So every year, he would sit down with me and talk about our goals for the kids. He would share about the areas he felt they needed to work on and how he intended to play a big part in mentoring and teaching them. I always appreciated this because it made me feel very secure and confident as a wife that my husband was in charge, that he actually had a plan and direction for the family. (In fact, I often tell him that this is one of his more attractive traits.)
During the second week of January, we had a meeting to talk about goals for the kids. He asked me to prepare my homeschool goals and we aligned on what I would work on and what he had itemized as a priority list for each of our kids. Some of the list covered spiritual and emotional aspects and others were practical skills.
One of the practical skills Edric outlined for our six year old, Edan, was to acquire the ability to swim and bike. Living in the city has put constraints on the amount of time we spend outside and this means we don’t have as many opportunities to expose our children to biking, swimming, climbing trees, playing in parks, etc. Sadly, our kids would be well-content to stay indoors and let their muscles atrophy too if Edric and I did not do anything about it. But since we grew up being outside for most of our childhood, we want our kids to experience the same joys and adventures we had. Plus, they need Vitamin D!
So…swimming and biking it is for now. Edric started Edan’s training program two weekends ago and I must say, it is impressive to watch him “coach” Edan. I am not talking about doggie-paddling stuff. Edric used to be a swimmer so he knows all the drills. His first hurdle was getting Edan to overcome his fear of the water and then putting his head under water and blowing bubbles. Well, I was amazed last Sunday when I saw Edan swimming in the big pool! He touched the bottom of the pool with his hands and he swam a significant distance all by himself. After just two sessions with his dad, Edan was laughing and thrilled that he accomplished so much. I was clapping my hands and cheering everytime time he would pop his head out of the water for recognition. (That’s my role in this swimming and biking training…the over-affirming cheerleader.)
Edric is able to do, in a fraction of the time, what would take me days and days to achieve with the boys. With him, they learn quicker. They develop confidence and masculine traits. They overcome their insecurities. I actually enjoy being on the sidelines spying on them. For one thing, it is fun to check out my husband. (Did I already say I find him so attractive earlier?) My second delight is seeing the expressions on my sons’ faces when they have Edric’s full and undivided attention. I see the way they look at Edric. Admiration, respect, desire to please, assurance, favor, love…it’s all mixed in there.
I get puppy eyes for sympathy when they need a hug or when they want me to say yes to a request. Okay, on occasion, I get sparkly eyes when they are excited about learning. Of course, I get the love look. The point is, I am not perceived as the hero. That sort of adulation is reserved for Edric. And it doesn’t make me envious. I want the boys to gravitate towards him. After all, I have my own little acolyte and her name is Tiana.
When Edric and I got home from “swimming lessons,” we talked about Edan’s progress. I also thanked him for following through with his commitment to teach Edan. He went on to say that Edan didn’t want to get out of the water because he was having so much fun, and then Edric started to get teary-eyed which caught me off-guard. “Are you okay?”, I asked him. Spontaneous tears seemed like a hormonal thing that would have been much more characteristic of me than him.
He answered, “I don’t know. I guess it is because I live for these moments, seeing our kids bloom and mature and being able to be a part of that. I enjoy ministry and I know that it is important, but you guys are my first ministry…you and the kids.”
Who had the love look now?! Me, of course! I fall in love with my husband all over again when he says things like this. I have always appreciated Edric as a husband, but in recent years, I have been so grateful to the Lord that he has embraced being a father. His commitment to family is a blessing that I attribute to the Lord’s work in his life. Many years ago, I really prayed that he would recognize how irreplaceable he is in the lives of our children…that they need him now, not just later, not from a distance, but up close. When Edric developed a burden to disciple, teach and train our kids, I knew that it was God who put that desire in him and continues to do so.
The reality is Edric is still very busy and he is not able to be with the kids 24/7 but he came up with a game-plan for our kids about 4 years ago. He told me we were going to use Luke 2:52 as a reference for how our children should mature. It reads, “And Jesus grew in wisdom, stature, favor with God and men.”
WISDOM: Are they able to discern right from wrong and make wise choices?
STATURE: Are they developing their physical abilities and talents?
FAVOR WITH GOD: Do they have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and do they have the heart to know, love, obey, worship, and serve him?
FAVOR WITH MAN: Are they learning biblical character traits and applying them with family members and others?
These four areas have simplified our parenting to the essentials. It has helped me to think through the goals I set for our homeschooling and Edric can major on the major to maximize his time with the kids. Just the other night, he reminded me again that it boils down to, “passing on a godly legacy.”
Being an intentional father doesn’t mean a dad has to quit his job and spend 14 hours with his child everyday. It’s about setting aside purposeful moments that are devoted to discipleship with resulting big impact.
The statistics on fatherless homes are so compelling, I thought I would include some highlights here to encourage all of us to pray for our husbands. We need them to lead spiritually and by godly example, and we need their effective discipleship in the home.
From http://fatherhood.gov/library/dad-stats:
Children with actively involved fathers display less behavior problems in school.
Amato, P.R., and Rivera, F., 1999, “Paternal Involvement and Children’s Behavior Problems,” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, 375–384.
Girls with strong relationships with their fathers do better in mathematics.
Radin, N., and Russell, G., 1983, “Increased Father Participation and Child Development Outcomes,” in Fatherhood and Family Policy, edited by M.E. Lamb and A. Sagi, Hillside, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum, pp. 191–218.
Boys with actively involved fathers tend to get better grades and perform better on achievement tests.
Biller, H.B. 1993, Fathers and Families: Paternal Factors in Child Development, Westport, CT: Auburn House.
Research shows that even very young children who have experienced high father involvement show an increase in curiosity and in problem solving capacity. Fathers’ involvement seems to encourage children’s exploration of the world around them and confidence in their ability to solve problems.
Pruett, Kyle D. 2000. Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child. New York: Free Press.
From First Things First
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 18 million U.S. children now live in single-parent homes. Only 3.5 percent of these children live with their fathers.
“….the absence of the father from the home affects significantly the behavior of adolescents and results in greater use of alcohol and marijuana.” Source: Beman, Deane Scott. “Risk Factors Leading to Adolescent Substance Abuse.”
A 15-year-old girl who has lived with her mother only is three times as likely to lose her virginity before her sixteenth birthday than one who has lived in a home with both parents. Lee Smith, “The New Wave of Illegitimacy,” Fortune 18 (April 1994) 81-94.
85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control) Fallen Fathers, 2008.
80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26
85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. Fulton Co. Georgia, Texas Dept. of Correction- Fallen Fathers
From The Fatherless Generation
Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to get A’s in school.
Children with Fathers who are involved are more likely to enjoy school and engage in extracurricular activities.
Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.
Studies on parent-child relationships and child wellbeing show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.
——
Fatherlessness is being passed on from one generation to another like a cancer that is killing the families of today and tomorrow. Sadly, the cure is not found within ourselves. We cannot cure this ill without being healed by Jesus Christ first. Why? We have been separated from our own father — God the Father — by sin. But Jesus says, “I am the way the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6)
I think of Edric and my own dad as great fathers but God is still the best father of all. He loves each one of us perfectly and unconditionally, and he desires to have a relationship with us for eternity. If you came from a fatherless home or live in one, you don’t have be a victim of this trend. Come to the Father of All and experience his love through Jesus Christ. He will be father to you. He will love you as you long to be loved.
There, Gone, and Who-Knows-When-House
November 27, 2012 By 14 Comments
Last May, we began a house building project that was going great until we encountered problems with the foundation. Because it was a major issue, everything came to a halt. We had to re-visit and re-work plans — a process that has now taken close to six months.
The lot was given to us as a gift some years ago. It’s got a beautiful view of the city but it is a sloping lot. Structurally speaking, it is not simple to build on it. And besides that, we discovered there’s a fault line very near the property. Since we stopped construction, we have been looking to find solutions to remedy and salvage the existing structure.
Until recently, I wasn’t stressed out about it. Edric, too, was pretty cool about the delay. But when it seemed like nothing was happening for a long while, I began to feel anxious, disappointed and frustrated. It especially hurt when our children would express their longing for a bigger place to live. They wouldn’t complain but in their prayers, Edric and I would hear them say, “Lord please help us to be able to build our house…please help us to have a bigger home.”
We have actually lived like happy sardines in our condo for the last 7 years. It has been a wonderful blessing. However, with our growing family, the big personalities of our children, and the amount of space they need to play and run around, the next stage has been to build a house. Right now, the kids all sleep in one room…four of them. Their beds fit together like puzzle pieces and they love it. We reserve the third bedroom for homeschooling and playing.
Truthfully, we have enjoyed our urban lifestyle. We have been going in and out of elevators for like, forever. We appreciate the ease with which we can get around. There’s our favorite gelato ice cream place just a few blocks away. There are an endless number of restaurants to try (We’ve tried almost all within a 500 meter radius). We like being able to leave our place for days without worrying about break-ins. And we have adjusted to the constraints we have by taking trips, spending time outdoors, and giving stuff away periodically to clear out more storage. So the condo has not, for the most part, felt like a cage. God has been so generous towards us and we are grateful.
However, I know the kids dream about having a house. During a couple’s retreat that was held in Baguio last September, we were staying in a cottage and the kids were absolutely thrilled. They ran into it on the first day, started exploring, and said, “Wow, a home!” Edric and I both heard them and our hearts sank. At that particular point in time, we were supposed to have been in the finishing stages of our house…picking out tiles, paint color, fixtures…all the fun stuff.
Last night, Edric and I had a discussion about the house after watching Breaking Dawn Part 2. (I’m ashamed to admit that I wanted to watch this movie. And I’m more ashamed to admit that I read the books after I gave birth to Tiana. My sister in law had them and I was so bored while breastfeeding, I read all of her books. As cheesy as they were, I couldn’t put them down. I absolutely wanted to know how the whole saga ended.) Okay, back on topic…Edric and I started talking about our house plans after the movie. I found out that there was another issue that was brought to the table that would postpone building plans again. What?! It is uncharacteristic of me to vent unless invited to, but I went on and on in the car.
“I don’t understand why it’s taking this long. Why does there seem to be a block every time we are about to re-start the project? Is there something we are doing wrong? I feel like blaming someone! Who should we blame?! I’m so tired of hoping and then being disappointed. We are planning to get pregnant again. How can we possibly fit in our condo? I’m so annoyed that every time we are about to proceed, another issue is brought to the table. Why can’t everything be settled once and for all so that we can move forward?! I feel so angry! Let’s just forget the whole thing and not build this house!”
I was not upset with Edric. After all, he wasn’t the enemy in all of this. I was upset at the circumstances. Usually, I escape to solitude to process my feelings. But, I was so fed up with the situation that I really started expressing myself aloud. But when I started to unload like that, it tipped him over. It was 11:30 PM. Nothing was going to get done at that time. And since he didn’t have an immediate solution and he was too exhausted himself to respond to my litany of useless questions, he finally said, “Okay, I’ve hit a saturation point.” He didn’t want to hear what I had to say anymore. This upset me further because I felt like he was rejecting my feelings.
The last few minutes in the car were quiet. When we got home, I went to our bedroom and Edric watched basketball. Inside of me, I was kicking and jumping up and down in irritation. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I wanted to throw something. Of course I didn’t. I just said, “Lord! I’m so angry right now. I don’t understand why this house project has been delayed for so long. I feel troubled. I really need to hear from you. Please speak to me. Do you not want us to build this house? Just take it away if it’s not from you. Just put an obvious, clear stop to it. I don’t want it to be like a carrot dangling in front of us, stimulating false hope.”
I opened up my Bible to Luke 12:22-32, the last chapter I had read for my quiet time.
And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.
Weeping as I read verse 32, God made me see. Joy, I have not withheld my kingdom from you. How can you doubt, worry, or be so agitated over a HOUSE? Did you not say, in faith, that I would build this house? Do you not trust me? Do you forget that I know your concerns, your needs, your desires? His words came to me gently and I felt ashamed.
God could easily make this house project happen. But he has allowed unprecedented obstacles and trials to develop my character. (Edric and I resolved our discussion before bedtime, and I apologized for my negativity. He also spent a good hour laying on his back listening to me express myself, which was a sweet gesture because I knew he wanted to sleep.)
God had a follow up message for me. This morning, I turned on Christian music for Tiana and Titus. I set out kitchen pans for them to bang on to practice their rhythm skills. The first song that played over the computer made me bow down in awe of how God speaks. The kingdom of heaven has been given to you. So do not be afraid. Do not run away. Do not be afraid, little child. Your father is pleased to give.
Over and over again these words were sung as the music played. It was the voice of a young child singing, but it was God’s special comfort to me, a remembrance of what I had read last night. Again, I began to cry in gratitude for the mindfulness of God. Here I was stressing out over the house building because it wasn’t happening according to my time-table. My ranting was emblematic of a spirit that was not at rest and not surrendered, but worried, fearful, troubled. God knew that all I needed was to be reminded of his character – that he is in control, that he is good and delights to give what is good to his children. He didn’t say, “The house building will be resumed tomorrow.” I have no idea when it will resume. But I know who God is. No maneuvering, manipulating, complaining, ranting, fighting, and finger-pointing will get this house built the way it should be unless God builds it.
During the ground breaking 6 months ago, we had a family ceremony with our architect and contractor. Edric asked me to make a placard that we could stick into the ground as part of the ceremony. The kids also wrote thank you letters to the Lord and we prayed as a family, with the building team. On the placard, it read THIS IS THE HOME THE LORD WILL BUILD. The verse I put on it was this…Psalm 127:1 Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it…How quickly I dismissed this truth and conviction in the face of mounting uncertainty and recurring disappointment.I had to come before the Lord and ask for forgiveness for my doubt and my attitude. How little was my faith! Six months of waiting and I was buckling?
As I fixed my eyes on the Lord my perspective was re-aligned with what is true.. My comfort is that God doesn’t change. Circumstances, people, and dreams may. And longings may or may not be fulfilled. While this reality troubles me, I rest in the greater reality that God is always the dependable constant. He is who he says he is. Therefore, I need not panic, fret, loose my cool, or get angry when things don’t turn out the way I want them to. Instead, I need to learn to wait and be at peace in my inner most being that all is moving according to plan…his plan, not mine.
Home as the Best Social Context
October 13, 2012 By 2 Comments
I was at a convenient store with Edan, when he said, “I want to get something for Elijah because he got me something last time. I want to get him a snack.” I watched him go through each aisle thoughtfully, looking for a snack that Elijah would appreciate. He picked up a soymilk drink and a bag of oatmeal cookies.
It blesses my heart when my kids think about one another and do random acts of kindness for each other without being asked to. And while many people may question the socialization aspect of homeschooling, I really believe that socialization is so much more than children getting along with their peers and learning to make friends.
I think the broader definition should be about raising kids who show compassion, who know how to respond to people who are hurting, lost, or need a friend, who choose to respect others, and look beyond their own wants to seek the greater good of others. Often times, the harder context to develop these qualities is in the home.
My kids annoy each other almost daily and they behave selfishly on occasion. Their capacity to tolerate and accomodate each other’s differences is really put to the test. Because they are homeschooled and have a whole lot of daily interaction they have to learn to get along. Character traits like deference, thoughtfulness, benevolence, and joyfulness must be applied. Our children also have to practice humbling themselves to ask for forgiveness and choosing to extend forgiveness. In the process, they understand what love really means. They realize it’s so much more a choice than a feeling. But by choosing to love one another, they develop an affectionate loyalty for one another. They treasure each other.
The Bible tells us, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”(Luke 12:34 NASB) Similarly, our children need to be taught to invest in the lives of their siblings. The more time they spend together, the greater the bond between them.
I remember just a few years back, my two older sons would constantly react to Titus. They would get so frustrated with him because he couldn’t really communicate well and he wasn’t able to play by their rules. He would knock down things they would build and he was a nuisance when they attempted to include him in their games. It got to a point where Elijah, my eldest, really struggled with being loving and kind towards him. He broke down in anger one day and I had to sit him down to talk. I explained to him that his responses to Titus were incredibly important. If he demonstrated unconditional acceptance towards Titus, Edan would do the same. And Titus would surely change and improve as he matured but he needed to feel our love. It was difficult for Elijah to change his attitude but he tried his best.
Two years later, and my three boys are inseparable. They always want to be together and Titus is very much a part of that trio. Without him, their fun wouldn’t be complete.
Titus is now learning to accommodate Tiana’s personality. But having bigger brothers who have shown him what it means to look out for a younger sibling has helped him alot. He has exhibited the kind of patience and kindness toward Tiana that I hoped he would. Of course, Tiana can be a pest at times and she knows how to harass her brother, Titus. But Edric and I are working on her character, too.
I remember a homeschooling friend who told me that socialization is about teaching kids the hierarchy of relationships — God, parents, siblings and then others. Children must first understand who they are in relation to God and how much he loves them, followed by parents reaching out to their children to pursue them relationally, and children learning to love their parents and siblings. Afterwards, relating to others comes naturally because a child’s most fundamental longings for relationship are fulfilled.
While I may not be a sociologist or psychologist, I have seen this ring true for our family. Our children’s first and best social context has been the home.
A photo of our sons, three years ago…
A Mom’s Hope
June 12, 2012 By 3 Comments
I have four of a kind when it comes to personality types. And God uses each of my kids to teach me more about Himself, myself, people, purpose, life…
A few days ago, I bought cupcakes for my kids. I was hoping to have a bit of the red velvet flavoured cupcake I got. I didn’t want the whole thing, just a bitty-bite.
My sons are my competition for this flavour. But I don’t mind. Eating a whole cupcake is too much sugar for me.
Well, I took a miniscule portion of Elijah’s cupcake while he was finishing his meal. And when he was ready for his dessert, I asked if I could have another bite of it.
“Mom, you already took a bite.”
“Hey, I bought those!” I said jokingly.
“Yes, but Jesus provided for it,” was his wise reply.
Well, I was certainly out-witted by my 9 year old son. He was right, too. My entitlement mentality got the better of me. God does own everything…even the cupcakes I buy! (Elijah did let me have a bite anyway.)
Children may not be as experienced as parents are, but God can certainly put in them a heart of understanding and wisdom. I see this with my kids (especially the two older ones). Insights like Elijah expressed about God owning everything tells me that my kids are beginning to develop a personal relationship with Jesus. As a mom, I can’t even begin to explain how happy this makes me. If there is any reward for the time, effort, and energy I put into parenting and homeschooling, it is to see my kids really love and know God. This is the hope that makes it all worth it.
- Elijah, three years ago (He’s matured alot spiritually since then!)
So I was delighted when my husband, Edric, told me that some nights ago, Elijah asked him if he could pray for him. “Dad, what are you doing?” he asked. Edric was working on our house budget, on Excel. “I’m creating a master file for all our expenses for building our house,” Edric explained. Elijah paused for a bit and said, “Can I pray for you, dad?”
When Edric narrated this moment to me, he shared how blessed he was by Elijah. Elijah prayed a very heartfelt prayer that went something like this… “Lord, thank you for letting us build our house. Please help us to use it for your glory. Please help us to have enough funds to build the house…”
His prayer was a beautiful reminder that God is building something much more important than our physical home. He is laying the foundation of faith in our kids. He is the builder and the completer – the most faithful, reliable, and trustworthy. Therefore, my hope is continually in God. I look to him as one presenting a mere five loaves and two fish because parenting often feels like I am “in over my head.” The humbling reality is that I am incapable of the commitment, patience, Christ-likeness and wisdom it requires. But God is my strong supporter and he NEVER disappoints.
“..Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” Isaiah 49:23b
“But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.” Psalm 33:18
My boys four years ago (pre-Tiana)
Averted “Cat Fight”
May 29, 2012 By 2 Comments
I stepped into a near cat fight between two of the ladies who work for me. I was in my bedroom, playing with my kids, when I overheard their voices. Something was wrong. And sure enough, when I went into their room, they were at it…pointing fingers, cutting words, angry faces. My, here we go, I thought. This isn’t going to be quick or easy.
I listened to their discussion for a bit, which simmered down significantly because I was in the room with them. But they were still at it. Accusatory remarks, bringing up the past, judging one another…I had to say something.
Given that my Tagalog is not very good, my proposals and mediation had to be done in English (with my best effort to mix in the Tagalog). Thankfully, they understood me.
First, I tried to find out what was happening. I let the first two ladies (the ones who were really at it) explain their sides and then I asked them to pray with me. I knew this wasn’t a situation that could be solved with human resources because a whole lot of resentment had made the atmosphere spiritually heavy. So I came before the Lord and asked him to help us all.
Then I appealed to the goodness in each of them. Our conversation went something like this, “I know you ladies don’t want to be angry with each other. I know that you do not want to work together like this. So I want you to share with me what has made you feel hurt. Then, I want you to share how the other can improve.”
I gave time to each of the girls to say how they felt. But in the process, they dug up whatever beef they had with each other and tried to make each other look bad! So, I narrowed down the issues. Afterwards, I also shared about how conflict is normal. Edric and I have to work things out in our own relationship. No one is perfect, we all have to improve.
To cut the story short, I asked each one of them to share what they needed to change in their own life (regardless of the other person). And I also asked them how I can improve because I wanted to drive home the point that everyone can become better in some way.
Afterwards, I reassured them that they are equally important to me, that I care about them. I told them that the ugly things they revealed about each other will not make me care about them less. Most importantly, I shared that in our home, Christ is the center. And we want him to be present in the way we treat one another and the things we say. When we act in a manner that is unloving, then we displease God. (This is an edited version of our dialogue because I spent a good 45 minutes talking the issues over with them.)
One of the girls easily get over the issue and move on but the other one was nursing her hurt. This is where I had to bring in forgiveness.
Tears were shed (including my own), but by God’s grace, they all came to a better understanding and appreciation of one another. Repeatedly, I told them, “There are no accidents with God. We have all been brought together in this home. Therefore, we must choose to forgive and love one another.” I encouraged them to pray and surrender their frustrations to the Lord instead of focusing on the faults of the other person.
At the conclusion of our intense conversation, I prayed with them again. There was an overwhelming sense of peace and relationships were restored. I hugged each one of them and encouraged them to hug one another. We even did a group hug in the end and I counted to 10 seconds before allowing anyone to let go. (I ask my boys to do this when they get upset with one another, too.)
One of my girls said that she was so ashamed that their issues were brought up to me. And I told her, “Don’t ever be ashamed to share these things with me. I am not angry or stressed. You don’t have to worry about that. I am committed to helping you all improve and grow. But don’t do things for me. Do what is right for God.”
As a treat, I told them that I was giving them money to watch a movie at the mall so they could have some bonding time. It was a good day for me to do this because my two older kids were with Edric, and I just had my two tiddly-winks, Titus and Tiana, to take care of.
They were embarrassed to accept my offer, but I insisted. In my heart, I felt like this was one of those moments when they needed to experience grace. Why? Because we had shared the gospel of Jesus Christ to them in the past and we have always been vocal about what we believe, but the gospel’s true power must be seen in our lives. I sacrificed my own comfort this afternoon for their sake so they might understand that the gospel is about forgiveness, undeserved kindness, and redemption.
I didn’t do this for myself. My goodness, no! My human, self-centered side does not like dealing with other people’s “mess.” I don’t like to mediate discussions or jump in to help others resolve their issues. Sure, I do this with my kids. But that’s different.
Yet, God put a burden in my heart to disciple these ladies. They live in our home. I trust them with the lives of my children. And even if the world may think of them as just “the help,” I consider them fellow heirs of God’s grace because he loves them and died for them.
28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29 If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise. Galatians 3:28 – 29
I also know that they watch our lives more closely than anyone else. By reaching out to them in grace, I want them to desire the Jesus whom we believe in and love. I don’t want there to be any measure of contradiction in me to nullify whatever seed the gospel has planted in their hearts. If my actions as a boss turn them off to Jesus then I am accountable for a great crime before God. His invitation to relationship is for them, too.
They came home from their mall and movie bonding time smiling and chatting. The pleasant sound of their laughter in the kitchen was a wonderful reminder that peace is possible in Christ. Praise God for bringing back the harmony into our home!
May mercy and peace and love be multiplied to you. (Jude 1:2 NASB)
The Relational Atmosphere
May 15, 2012 By 4 Comments
My two older sons sat through Sunday service to watch and hear their dad preach. At one part during the message, Edric admitted to the audience that, “I still struggle with irritability towards my wife and kids from time to time but by God’s grace, I am improving.” The theme of his talk was “Pursuing Intimacy with God through A Heart Makeover.” He was nearing the end of the morning’s sermon when he revealed that bit about his heart.
Elijah, my eldest son, was seated beside me and he whispered to me, “Dad is so honest! He does get irritated sometimes but he says sorry right away and we forgive him.”
He said this so candidly and without any hint of hurt or bitterness. Edric does lose his cool once in a while. But, he has changed so much over the years. This is really the Lord’s doing (I used to get so reactive when he would snap at the kids, but “correcting” him would backfire, so I chose the better alternative — praying to God while acting respectfully towards Edric. That worked!)
Hearing Elijah’s comment taught me a valuable relationship principle. A home must abound with humility and forgiveness. My dad used to say, “keep short accounts.” Don’t let anger or hurt linger, especially among family members. Growing up, I remember that our family was quick to say sorry and willing to forgive immediately. We saw our parents model this. When they would make a mistake, they would sit us down and talk with us. They would humbly admit that they were wrong and ask for our forgiveness. If they had disputes with each other and their “discussions” became public, they would apologize for the way they spoke to one another in front of us. This meant a lot to us kids. We saw how conflict was resolved and relationships restored easily when people practiced humility, forgiveness and grace.
Edric and I are trying to cultivate this same kind of relational atmosphere in our home. Our children know that we are imperfect people. But they also know that we are committed to becoming better and our standard is to keep maturing into Christ-likeness.
Periodically, we will also ask our kids, “How can we improve?” And they will give their suggestions. This keeps us from repeating actions that damage our kids emotionally. It also keeps our communication channels open.
Recently, I was counseling a friend whose parents were verbally and physically abusive (more verbal than physical.) After their outbursts of anger, they would act like nothing really happened and expect their children to “move on.” But their actions had compounded negative interest in the heart of my friend. She lived with a lot of resentment and pain.
As God continues to work in her life, she is slowly breaking free from the emotional bondages that have prevented her from loving others without fear. But their is still residual junk from the unhealthy way her parents dealt with their parenting and relational mistakes. I believe in God’s time, she will experience complete breakthrough because she has surrendered her life to the Lord completely.
We really need to think through the repercussions of how conflict and offenses are dealt with at home. The way we apologize, forgive and extend grace to family members will carry over into our children’s future families.
When I don’t feel like forgiving others, I remember that God has forgiven me a debt I cannot pay. He has shown me undeserved compassion and loved me enough to die for me. Therefore, who am I not to forgive?
You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate. “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:36, 37 NLT)
“…I am slow to anger
and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.
I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.
But I do not excuse the guilty.
I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren;
the entire family is affected—
even children in the third and fourth generations.” (Exodus 34:6, 7 NLT)
Celebrating Our God-Given Chromosomes
April 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment
“Mommy and Tiana are…” I used to say this when Tiana started talking and she would finish off the statement with the word, “girls!” And eventually I also taught her that her dad and brothers were “boys.” I don’t know if it meant much to her, but I wanted her to understand that physically, she and I are different from the men in our home. I used to do a simple thing with my sons, too. Whenever we would enter a mall and there was a line for the men and a line for the women, I would tell them, “Boys, you are on that side.” Furthermore, Edric has “Boy’s Time” with our sons so they identify with one another and with Edric.
Some time ago, my oldest son, Elijah, asked me this question, “Mom, how come that boy behaves like a girl?” It was the first time I was confronted with the reality that our children will observe gender distortions and will need explanations from us. In response to his question, I said something like this, “When God made people, he made man and woman, but people who do not understand or follow God’s design want to be something different. So some boys try to be like girls and some girls try to be like boys. But that is not God’s design and it is wrong.” I also explained to him that we are not to look down on or reject people who are like this because Jesus loves them, but we must hate what is sinful.
After reading the article, 21 Reasons Why Gender Matters, I was even more convinced that the most natural way for children to learn how to be men or women is in the home, in the context of family, with a mom and dad who follow God’s principles for marriage and parenting.
What are some practical ways we can celebrate and encourage what it means to be a man or woman in our children?
1. Identify differences and complement masculine or feminine behavior. For example, when my sons open the door for me or help me carry things, I tell them, “Wow, you are such gentlemen! I really like it when you take care of me.” When Tiana wears a dress, it is my sons who instinctively say, “You look so pretty!” (They never seem to do this when she is wearing shorts. But they totally notice billowy dresses or ribbons in the hair!)
2. Remind our children that God created both man and woman to be equally important. He died for all sinners — men and women — and loves us all. At the same time, emphasize that roles were created for harmony and collaboration to accomplish God’s purpose and will. During seminars that Edric and I give to engaged or newly married couples, we often say, “You can’t have a point guard playing post or a post playing point guard. Each player was designed to compliment the other and to work as a team. And the team works best when players are fulfilling the role they were designed to.”
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; (Ephesians 5:22-28 NASB)
3. Kids need to know that their parents have a healthy, loving relationship and enjoy being with one another. Our kids may still feel sad when we go on date nights without them, but they know that this is our special time as husband and wife.Very recently, Elijah said to me, “Mom, I know that Dad loves you very much.” I smiled and asked, “Really? How do you know that?” His answer was, “He takes care of you, he tells you he loves you, he hugs and kisses you, you go out on date nights.” If children see their parents loving one another, doesn’t it seem logical to assume that they would desire the same kind of relationship in the future?
4. Protect children from the wrong kinds of media influences. We are very careful about the shows and movies we watch with the kids. If there are portrayals of homosexuality, emasculated males, or women who “wear the pants” in a marriage, we avoid watching these things or we have discussions with our children about what they saw (especially if it was accidental). Edric and I used to like the Glee series because of the musicality. But after the first season, we discerned that it is not a good show. It blatantly promotes homosexuality and all sorts of immorality under the pretense that “this is the real world.” I used to enjoy watching America’s Next Top Model, but I stopped after my sons started watching with me.
5. There has to be purposeful mentoring for boys, affirmation of their masculinity, and support for them as they transition to manhood. Similarly, there needs to be purposeful mentoring for girls, affirmation of their femininity, and support for them as they transition to womanhood. I am grateful to my mom who taught me to cook, bake, sew, do the laundry, clean, take care of a home, do the groceries, plan menus, manage househelp, deal with my menstrual cycle, relate to boys, and stay physically fit. She prepared me for womanhood and helped me to mature as a woman. More importantly, both my parents taught me what it means to be secure in the Lord, to anchor my identity in Christ.
6. Stay close. I mean this physically and relationally. When children feel unconditionally loved and have their emotional needs met by their parents, they are less dependent on others to affirm who they are as a man or woman. And they don’t need to go around trying to be something they are not to get the attention they lack at home. And when you are physically close (meaning, you are with them often), you can detect behaviors or perspectives that need to be corrected. For example, one of our boys started dancing one time and it looked like he was gyrating his hips. Edric took him aside and talked to him about this. He asked him where he learned how to dance like that and he showed him how boys should move instead. Our son corrected his “dance moves.”
7. Use the home as a training ground for male and female roles. We ask our sons to take care of their sister and watch out for her. This feeds on their naturally protective instincts. We also give them opportunities to lead, to be accountable, and demonstrate problem-solving skills to help family members. This affirms their masculinity. When the younger boys have a problem with the computer or need assistance when putting together a toy or learning how a toy works, I ask Elijah to help them. I tell him, “Hon, you are good at that kind of thing, can you help them?” And he willingly does it. He feels a sense of gratification when he can come to the aid of others.
8. Teach children to be aware of strangers or people who can abuse or hurt them. We tell our kids, “Don’t let anyone touch your private parts. If they do, tell mommy and daddy. If they scare you and tell you that they will hurt you if you tell us, you should still tell mommy and daddy. Mommy and daddy will protect you.” We also tell them not to play with their privates. (It’s a little more challenging with little boys because they tend to do this without malice when they stop wearing diapers.) But eventually, they get that it is not appropriate to hold their crotch in public or to play with their penis. We don’t ever embarrass our boys, we just explain to them (the older ones) that the feelings they have when they do touch themselves are reserved for marriage. (Edric will soon have a more serious talk with our older son.)
9. Be the first resource for sex. Sex is beautiful when it is understood and experienced in the context of a relationship between husband and wife. The amount of immorality and sensuality that our children will be exposed to is going to get worse. They need to understand that there is nothing wrong with sex, but the context is wrong if it is outside of marriage. They are not to awaken passions or appetites before they are ready for marriage.
Generations of Virtue says that we are “not to awaken romance” in our children until they are ready for marriage (especially for girls). When it comes to boys, we need to protect them from pornography and visually stimulating images that can incite sexual arousal. Edric and I know men who encountered pornography as little children (below the age of 8). Some years ago, I explained to my older sons that if they ever see nudity on the computer or on TV, they should run away from it. They have to guard their eyes because they aren’t supposed to see pictures of naked people. We are very careful about the internet and too much TV or media in our home because of the amount of sensuality and romance that they may be exposed to (besides violence and other undesirable things).
A distortion of God’s design for sex leads to perversion. Sadly, I found out that many youth experiment with same sex relationships because they are bored or because it is the “in thing.” One young lady that my mom was counseling said this, “In our school, it is more special when a girl is attracted to you.”
(So there’s another good reason to homeschool! Children are protected from crazy ideas like that! 
)
10.Most of all, teach them that God loves them and has a wonderful plan for them. There are certain unchangeables in our lives and gender is one of them. If you are a boy, then the most fulfilling life for you is to become the man that God wants you to be. If you are a girl, then the most fulfilling life for you is to become the woman that God wants you to be. God is not a cruel person who will ask you to be something he did not design or create you to be. What is cruel is people mutating themselves to change their gender!
Psalm 139
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
Let us cultivate healthy, God-centered families and homes where husbands and wives fulfill their God-given roles; where we exemplify and celebrate what is masculine and feminine; and where we protect our children from wordly views and influences that distort God’s design and purpose for them.