Approachable

March 27, 2013 By 2 Comments

Edric and I have an open communication policy with our kids. This means they can correct us and call out areas that we need to improve on. Of course, they are encouraged to do it in a polite way. It certainly keeps us on our “character toes.”

This morning, in the car, the boys were like a bunch of hyenas. They were cackling, singing loudly and Edric hit his toleration threshold. He was in the middle of composing a text message so he said, “Quiet boys, quiet!” His tone was agitated. The boys simmered down. But it was an awkward kind of silence.

Meanwhile, Edric asked me for the address of a wake we were going to attend and I offered to forward to him the text message so it would be easier for him to pass it on to friends who were going to attend the same wake. However, he thought it was simpler just to hand my phone over so he could copy it down onto a message he was already writing. I retorted with sarcasm under my breath, “It’s not simpler.” The kids looked over at me and Edric was like, “Excuse me? Did you just say something under your breath?”

Edan inched over to my side (we were all in the back and Edric was in front, in the passenger seat). Whispering into my ear, he asked, “Was dad practicing meekness?” Our bible study as a family the previous week was about being meek. And one of the examples Edric gave was responding with meekness toward family members. I suggested to Edan,“Why don’t you ask daddy?”

A few minutes later he did. “Daddy, were you being meek?” Edan stuck his head in between the two front seats to question Edric. When Edric realized he hadn’t been a good example, he asked for forgiveness from the kids and from me. But he also added, “Your mommy also needs to learn to submit and respect daddy.” I quickly apologized too and asked for forgiveness from Edric and the kids. Elijah turned towards me and gave me an approving look. He may be just 10 years old but he really internalizes these moments and watches us ever so closely. (Actually, all of them do.)

The rest of the car ride was fine. The tense atmosphere was dispelled and we went back to chatting with one another.

Whew! It’s really quite impossible to be perfect in front of our kids. But that’s not the goal. The goal is to keep moving towards Christ-likeness. Family is the best context to do this when each person is motivated by love and committed to helping one another grow in character. I really think that children are a blessing in this sense. Seeing our “issues” through their eyes makes Edric and I desire to be more careful, conscious and consistent about being Christ-like. If they can’t find Christ in our home, in our personal lives, then we can’t expect them to want Christ either. I praise God that their hearts are still tender and forgiving, and they know we are on this journey of faith together, as a team.

but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. (Ephesians 4:15, 16 NASB)

 

Positively, Sweetly

March 12, 2013 By 4 Comments

I want our home to be a contagiously encouraging environment. Some days ago I wrote about affection as a powerful motivator, but so is affirmation. My children languish under harsh criticism and negativity, but they bloom when they are acknowledged and encouraged. And if there is anything we should be sparing with as parents, it is the use of punitive words that tear our children down. I’m guilty of this at times, especially when I’m trying to compel my kids to respond to my authority. And if I am not careful, I can really discourage them.

Last Saturday, for example, I was frustrated with Elijah when he spilled chocolate milk on his white shirt. He was supposed to perform a violin piece at an event and all I asked him was, “Please don’t get anything on your shirt.” However, in the car, he carelessly forced a straw into his chocolate milk drink and it splattered on him. This agitated me. I looked at the speckled portions of his shirt and thought, how am I going to fix this?!

I turned to him and with an obviously aggravated tone said, “I warned you to be careful and to take care of your shirt. Why did this happen?” He went on to explain that it wasn’t his fault. It was the tetra pack, the angle that he was sitting at, etc. etc. And I counteracted with, “You have to use your brain. It’s not complicated to avoid getting your shirt dirty.” These weren’t the kindest words to use and I knew it, but I was so irritated that he couldn’t follow simple instructions.

When we got to the venue, I asked someone if they could watch my bag so I could go and clean Elijah’s shirt because he spilled chocolate on it. This hurt Elijah’s feelings. He started to cry when he was alone with me and he asked, “Why did you have to tell (so-and-so) that I spilled chocolate? I felt embarrassed.”

Really?! I thought. I don’t have time to massage emotions right now! I’m in the middle of trying to remedy this shirt issue.

So I dismissed his feelings and retorted, “You need to acknowledge that you weren’t careful, apologize and stop making excuses for what you did.” My heart wasn’t right. I wasn’t gentle. I was upset.

Edric noticed that Elijah wasn’t alright so he took him aside and they spoke for a while. After a few minutes, I was summoned. Uh-oh. Edric asked me why I embarrassed Elijah. I began to clarify that it wasn’t intentional. But he interjected and reminded me that I had hurt Elijah’s feelings nonetheless so I needed to apologize to him. Oh my, this parenting business can be so humbling!

Edric was right. I had to say sorry. When Elijah and I were together, I sincerely asked for his forgiveness. My insensitivity was wrong and I had failed to understand his feelings. Elijah readily forgave me. We reconciled and I gave him a big hug until he felt better.

God used this incident as a reminder to be very cautious with the manner in which I correct my children. I may not yell or shout but I can word-weave painful statements that can cut deep. Or sometimes, I blurt out brainless, tackles things without thinking of the resulting effect on the hearts of my kids (or even Edric).

“But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men…from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.” James 3:8-11

Parenting constantly reveals the many areas where I need to improve and taming my tongue is one of them. How can I say this in a way that will build my kids up? Should I not say anything right now and wait till later? What will the repercussions of my words be?

I think back on the way my parents treated my siblings and I, and I have learned some valuable lessons from them. Their default disposition was to be affirming. One of the things they “specialized” in was instilling God-confidence. They repeated this often: “You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.” (Philippians 4:13). Therefore, we had pretty healthy perspectives on ourselves — not self-esteem, which is to think of much of ourselves — but we believed that with God’s help, we could overcome obstacles or accomplish challenging tasks. We weren’t the most brilliant or talented bunch, but thanks to the encouragement of our parents, we knew that Christ was our enabler.

The second thing they did was to generously commend right conduct and godly character. This motivated us to live up to their positive expectations of us. It also made us consider the importance and value of character as a greater measure of success.

Edric and I are trying to apply the same approach with our kids. We don’t want them to have puffed up egos (which will be to their ruin), but we do want them to believe that God has gifted them for a special purpose. He is going to use their strengths, achievements, and even their weaknesses for his unique calling. Through him they can do all things.

We also applaud triumphs of character and decisions that glorify God. But it takes mindfulness and awareness on our part because we can miss those moments.

Sometimes, as parents, we can expect good character to be the minimum. Why should I compliment right behavior? That should be a given. Instead of noticing the positive, we can nit-pick on the negative. And while our children want to meet our expectations because they desire to please us, how much more joyful and motivated they are to do what is right when they are appreciated and built up…even for the small things.

On the plane ride back from Cebu, Edric and I sat the three boys in one row and Tiana was in between us. There were a bunch of kids acting up, crying and fussing throughout the plane. I looked across the aisle and saw our kids sitting down properly, seat belts on, quiet and compliant. Part of the reason was that they were dead tired from a long day of activity. But it meant a lot to me that I didn’t have to call out across the aisle for them to remain in their chairs. I enjoyed a peaceful flight to Manila. When we were alone, I told them how much I appreciated their obedience, that it was a testament to their relationship with Christ, and it was a blessing to Edric and I. Edric echoed the same thing.

Affirmation doesn’t always have to be in the form of praise for character. I’ve also noticed that it is very effective to randomly take them aside and say things like…

“I love you so much. Do you know that mommy appreciates you?”

“Have I told you lately how special you are to me?”

“I really enjoy being with you. I like to spend time with you.”

My kids eat this up. It does wonders for their emotional tanks and their sense of security.

I don’t know any kid in this world who is not motivated by encouragement. The need to train and correct is a part of parenting but it can be balanced and cushioned with generous affirmation. And if we want to have a positive home environment, we need to exemplify what it means to be encouragers because our kids copy us!

Yesterday, I heard my 2 year old, Tiana, delightfully say, “Very good, Titus!” She said this in appreciation of a drawing that her older brother, Titus, had been working on. I heard her affirm him with her tiny sing-songy voice while I was in the bedroom and it put a smile on my face. Elijah remarked afterwards, “Tiana is trying to be like you, mom!” Well, all I can say to that is praise God! Inspite of my foibles here and there in the area of tongue management, the kids are learning to be affirming towards each other. That is of the Lord!:)

Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. (Colossians 4:6 NASB)

Homeschooling Solutions Grand Launch!

March 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

One Man’s Junk is Another Man’s Treasure

February 5, 2013 By 6 Comments

Garage sale homeschooling. That’s what I would like to think of our garage sale experience two weekends ago. Elijah got to put his math skills into practice. He earned 1,500 pesos for selling toys. The other boys sorted through their old things and put prices on each item.

This was a collaborative effort between Tan-Chis and Mendozas that turned into a fun bonding day for all of us. Our own family didn’t earn much, just 7k at the end of the day but hey, people were willing to buy our junk and our home was majorly de-cluttered. Plus, Elijah learned how hard it is to make money. He was trying to convince a whole lot of people to buy our old toys and I thought he did a great job.

We can’t wait to do this again!

Dirty, Sweaty, Stinky

October 12, 2012 By 2 Comments

I was at the park with my kids one afternoon, when I heard a mom freaking out about her son’s dirty shoes. In the background, I caught sight of my own kids looking like a bunch of scalawags compared to the neat little boy who was being protected from mud at all costs. They were making soupy sand with a water hose and tossing sand bombs. Disheveled hair, sweaty bodies, and muddy feet and legs made for quite a sight as they and their cousins took over the sandbox.

I don’t mind dirt. Kids need dirt once in a while. As long as they don’t eat it and as long as they take baths after they are done rolling around in it, then that’s quite alright with me.

My parents were the same way with my siblings and I growing up. They let us run around barefoot in the yard, climb trees, dig traps, slip and slid down the grass, play house and make actual fires for cooking our “food.” We could explore any part of the house, even the roof, and we spent a whole lot of time with our stinky pets (I had a native monkey). My siblings displayed mud balls on the bathroom counter like little trophies and we almost always had black feet when we came back into the house. I don’t remember wearing much either. We were always half-naked or so it seemed (until we hit puberty, of course).

Those were fun years.

It’s harder to replicate that kind of childhood for our kids because we are urbanites. Living in the heart of the city doesn’t give them much opportunity for mud adventures. I miss that kind of outdoorsy lifestyle which has been replaced by computer games, tv, Internet, IPods, IPads, etc.

I did some research on outdoor play and discovered that playing outside has many benefits that we don’t always think about. It helps improve eyesight, it encourages an appreciation for God’s creation, it exposes children to many opportunities to enhance their gross motor skills. They also invent games when they are outdoors. Running around, leaping, jumping, swinging, climbing are all great for burning calories, and these activities keep kids less susceptible to developing obesity and heart disease. Exposure to vitamin D from the sun (during less intense times of the day) also keeps them healthier. Furthermore, being surrounded by nature engages all of their senses. The National Wildlife Federation even claims that kids who get outside “need less medication and are less prone to depression.”

Edric and I have to be creative as city people homeschooling our kids. The fact that our kids’ default mode is to play inside is not their fault, but ours. Edric and I may go running on some mornings but the kids don’t join us because it is way too early. And we spend most of our day inside. So our kids do the same and will continue to do so unless we are more purposeful about their daily activities.

I remember how intentional my parents were with us. They had daily morning walks with us. We would swim in the nearby club together. They built a simple, outdoor playground, and a mini basketball court in the backyard. We had a rope that hung from a tree so we could swing on it. And they got us all kinds of pets.

Edric and I may not be able to do exactly the same for our kids because of space constraints, but recently, we have been trying harder to instill a love for the outdoors in them. Even if we live in the city, there are many things that we can do for free or inexpensively. A condo lifestyle shouldn’t be a hindrance or an excuse.

One of the things we have done is enroll our older boys in a Football (soccer) club – Azkals Global Football. We pay 300 pesos/child for every 2.5 hours of soccer training. The group we joined is an all homeschoolers group of kids, which is great. The coaches are more exacting of the kids, too (which we prefer.) They toughen up the boys. Our little kids accompany them and play beside the field. During the rest of the week, we try to take the kids to a nearby park or go to High Street. Sometimes, we take walks with the kids, too.

The good news is our kids are starting to really like playing outside, but it is still a pitiful amount of time compared to what we had growing up. We really hope to condition them to prefer the outdoors as their play area of choice. But Edric and I can’t just hope that our children will prefer to play outside, we have to go outside with them. So we are doing that whenever we can.

Today, our playgroup was at a park. The kids ran around with their friends and they invented all sorts of games. I loved hearing them laugh and shout out game rules. They would come panting back to where the moms were gathered to ask for a drink or a snack every now and then. I looked at all their sweaty faces and dirtied clothes and I thought, this is what kids should be doing in the afternoons…getting sweaty, dirty, and stinky while playing outside. That’s the stuff that childhood memories are made of!

Just Mom and Four Kids

August 30, 2012 By 4 Comments

I am no parenting martyr. I love having househelp and “yayas.” But there are occasions when I intentionally leave all the yayas behind and take all the kids with me. A trip to the grocery or bookstore would be examples of such occasions. Today was the grocery.

It’s a little bit crazy when I have all four kids with me, but there are some great benefits to alone time with them.

First, the kids have to help out. There is just no way for me to manage four kids while going up and down the aisles of a grocery. I am bound to lose one or two of them if the older kids don’t assist me. The kids learn to be responsible for one another and get affirmed for their helpfulness. This morning, I put Tiana and Titus in one cart and let Elijah push them. Edan stayed beside me and read off the items on my list. And I pushed a separate cart for all the groceries. There’s a great sense of satisfaction from living the do-it-yourself lifestyle and teaching your kids do the same. (Okay, I sound like such a phony since most of the time I do have help. hee hee.)

The second reason why I leave all the help behind is because I want them to know that they aren’t indispensable. This sounds mean, but let me clarify. I do appreciate them and I encourage them often in their work, but I also want them to know that I can live without them. Edric and I can manage without househelp if we really wanted to but they are a great plus. And I would like them to understand that the Mendozas will not fall apart without househelp. This keeps them on their “toes” because they do live in our home, and they become part of our family, but we still have an employer-employee relationship.

My third reason is I like giving my househelp a break. I respect the hard work and effort they put into their jobs. But I know they also need their own space and down time…away from the kids. They deserve some peace and quiet. I have four children. They are all noisy. Enough said.

Fourth, being alone with the kids allows me to see the character “holes” in their personalities – the areas that they need to be trained in. For example, at the grocery, the kids all wanted snacks. As a treat, after they endured nearly two hours of going up and down the aisles, I said they could all pick out something. Everyone had their own snacks that they brought to the check-out. (By this time, Titus and Tiana were taken out of the cart and allowed to look at the snacks that were beside the check-out counter.) Titus and Tiana opened up their snack right away and started eating. Titus finished his, Tiana left hers half-eaten, but Edan and Elijah waited. After Titus finished his snack, he wanted to eat something else. I told him he had to wait. Five minutes later, he asked me again. And I said, “Wait.” Then five minutes after that he asked me again.

He is a persistent person — a great trait — but he obviously needs to be taught patience and self-denial. We are going to work on that.

Elijah, on the other hand, needs to work on appropriate behavior. He is a very energetic person and took off with the cart after I had paid for the groceries like he was riding a racecar. He zoomed towards the exit and nearly hit a couple of shoppers.

Fifth reason, I get to see their character strengths. Elijah and Edan very dependably and ably assisted me. Elijah was great at following me everywhere with the two young munchkins contained in his cart. Edan, who was in charge of the list was great at making sure that nothing was forgotten. (And it was my little homeschooling tactic to get him to practice reading by looking at the list and identifying the items we had to find in the aisles, which he did great at!)

Somewhere near the dairy section, Elijah saw a man’s cart lose its wheel and he wanted very much to help him. He came over to me to tell me and I said, “go ahead and ask him if he needs help.” So he tried looking for the man to help him but he had disappeared down another aisle. I appreciated seeing Elijah’s heroism (hmmm…sounds like something his dad would do…) Titus and Tiana stayed in their seats, until the cereal section, and then got back in the cart without complaining or fussing. They even started singing nursery rhymes together while we were going to the fruit section. It was such a delight to hear them.

Most of all, I just enjoy being with the kids. I love watching them and their mannerisms and the interplay of their personalities. I find them incredibly entertaining. When I am fully in charge of them because I don’t have help with me, I really pay attention to the details.

Children are really such a joy. There is a deep sense of satisfaction and delight that I get from being with my kids. It’s not just about taking them to the grocery without househelp, it’s about being around as they grow up and all the moments that make up the years. I will miss this stage someday, So if it means a couple of hours of taking on the stress of managing four young children at the same time, bring it on! It’s a pleasure I won’t always have. I mean, I can’t imagine that teenage boys will want to hang out with mom in the grocery. That probably won’t be a “cool” thing for them to do. Now it’s still “cool.”

Star City – Surprisingly Fun

August 25, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I never thought Star City could be a fun family place. My impression of it dated to way back when it seemed like a glorified local carnival which lacked the actual thrill factor of big amusement parks. But we were invited to spend the afternoon there for a birthday party and the kids couldn’t get enough of it! They especially loved the Snow World attraction which allowed them to experience icy cold weather and slide down an ice slide. (I recommend bringing your own coat and mittens to this one. I was in shorts and had to run out after about fifteen minutes even when they lent me a jacket.)

There were a couple of areas and rides that needed renovation to really make them world class, but for 350 pesos as an all-you-can-ride entrance fee, your kids will not be bored. And it’s a contained enough space that you won’t be dead tired walking around. If you are there during a weekday, like homeschoolers can afford to do, you will practically have the place all to yourselves! It’s open from Monday to Thursday, 4pm onwards. And Friday, Saturday and Sunday, 2 pm onwards. We went on Friday and it didn’t get crowded till about 5pm.

The 350 entrance fee gives you access to everything except Mid-way games, coin operated machines, Snow World, Lazer Blaster, 4D Theater, and Walk on Water. Check out their website for more details Star City

As a family bonding experience, I do recommend this place. It was very enjoyable for my kids and the kids in our playgroup. We were all so blessed. It was a great birthday celebration idea!

Just watch out for some of the rides which have visual experiences that may scare young children — like movable life-size people. Tiana and Edan didn’t like those. (Edan could not sleep very well afterwards). Also, we did not go into the rides like Dungeon, Gabi Ng Lagim, and Kilabot Ng Mummy.

One of the highlights for me was buying 3 wigs for 80 pesos each. I thought they were a steal. My kids like to do role playing games every now and then so I thought they would like having some wigs for their dramatics.

Happy Father’s Day!

June 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I am truly thankful for a husband that loves God with all his heart, and a man who is devoted to me and the kids. He has been the leader of our home — a father who is present, available, purposeful, authoritative (not authoritarian), and a spiritual mentor to our children. May the Lord give him length of days to see our children’s children follow God. And may he enjoy the blessings of a righteous man who has said (like Joshua), “as for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord.”

These were our simple letters to Edric on Father’s Day… He doesn’t like much frou-frou. He often tells us that the best gifts are hand made cards and words of encouragement.

Parenting in Paradise

June 15, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I am very much looking forward to uninterrupted sleep tonight! After three days of Palawan without my “home assistants” (a.k.a. Yayas), I was exhausted by 7:30 pm today! Edric and I split duties between our four kids and it was wonderful and tiring to be so hands-on.

We were so blessed by a very generous couple who treated my parents and Edric and I (plus kiddos) to a stay at Lagen Resort in El Nido, Palawan. The kids didn’t want to leave when we boarded the plane this morning. But Edric and I were looking forward to our own bedroom, sleep and help. I admire all moms who do not have househelp like we commonly do in the Philippines. You are a different breed of amazing.

The trip itself was an incredible vacation. It was real-world education for our kids. They experienced zoology and ecology in 4-D. I marveled at the beauty of God’s creation and his majesty. Truly the earth speaks of his grand design.

I will write more about my insights and personal lessons tomorrow but for how, I am posting photos of our three days of parenting in paradise…

 

 

 

The Relational Atmosphere

May 15, 2012 By 4 Comments

My two older sons sat through Sunday service to watch and hear their dad preach. At one part during the message, Edric admitted to the audience that, “I still struggle with irritability towards my wife and kids from time to time but by God’s grace, I am improving.” The theme of his talk was “Pursuing Intimacy with God through A Heart Makeover.” He was nearing the end of the morning’s sermon when he revealed that bit about his heart.

Elijah, my eldest son, was seated beside me and he whispered to me, “Dad is so honest! He does get irritated sometimes but he says sorry right away and we forgive him.”

He said this so candidly and without any hint of hurt or bitterness. Edric does lose his cool once in a while. But, he has changed so much over the years. This is really the Lord’s doing (I used to get so reactive when he would snap at the kids, but “correcting” him would backfire, so I chose the better alternative — praying to God while acting respectfully towards Edric. That worked!)

Hearing Elijah’s comment taught me a valuable relationship principle. A home must abound with humility and forgiveness. My dad used to say, “keep short accounts.” Don’t let anger or hurt linger, especially among family members. Growing up, I remember that our family was quick to say sorry and willing to forgive immediately. We saw our parents model this. When they would make a mistake, they would sit us down and talk with us. They would humbly admit that they were wrong and ask for our forgiveness. If they had disputes with each other and their “discussions” became public, they would apologize for the way they spoke to one another in front of us. This meant a lot to us kids. We saw how conflict was resolved and relationships restored easily when people practiced humility, forgiveness and grace.

Edric and I are trying to cultivate this same kind of relational atmosphere in our home. Our children know that we are imperfect people. But they also know that we are committed to becoming better and our standard is to keep maturing into Christ-likeness.

Periodically, we will also ask our kids, “How can we improve?” And they will give their suggestions. This keeps us from repeating actions that damage our kids emotionally. It also keeps our communication channels open.

Recently, I was counseling a friend whose parents were verbally and physically abusive (more verbal than physical.) After their outbursts of anger, they would act like nothing really happened and expect their children to “move on.” But their actions had compounded negative interest in the heart of my friend. She lived with a lot of resentment and pain.

As God continues to work in her life, she is slowly breaking free from the emotional bondages that have prevented her from loving others without fear. But their is still residual junk from the unhealthy way her parents dealt with their parenting and relational mistakes. I believe in God’s time, she will experience complete breakthrough because she has surrendered her life to the Lord completely.

We really need to think through the repercussions of how conflict and offenses are dealt with at home. The way we apologize, forgive and extend grace to family members will carry over into our children’s future families.

When I don’t feel like forgiving others, I remember that God has forgiven me a debt I cannot pay. He has shown me undeserved compassion and loved me enough to die for me. Therefore, who am I not to forgive?

You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate. “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:36, 37 NLT)

“…I am slow to anger
and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.
I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.
But I do not excuse the guilty.
I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren;
the entire family is affected—
even children in the third and fourth generations.” (Exodus 34:6, 7 NLT)

«Older Posts

To the Top