Date Your Spouse

Edric planned a surprise date for us on the balcony last night. I didn’t suspect anything until the boys said they needed to roll down all the blinds. When their bedroom and ours looked unusually dark, I asked, “What are you guys doing?”

“We, uh, we want to make the room dark.”

“Huh? Why?” They were acting weird.

“We can’t tell you.”

“What? What’s going on?”

“We can’t say, mom.”

Of course this made me even more suspicious. I went downstairs and started grilling the househelp, and they evaded my questioning with chuckles.

There was no special occasion so I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was the second floor balcony was off limits. I wasn’t even supposed to take a peek.

I called the most likely suspect in all of this — Edric. “Hon, why can’t I go out on the balcony?” He said, “Basta!” which, in this instance, meant “Don’t ask.”

When he arrived from work, he took me upstairs and explained that he brought our date night home. He had coordinated with our househelp to set the table and light candles. It was home cooked food presented in a different setting but it was the thought that counted. Since we had a busy week to deal with this was the best way to spend time with one another, away from the kids, and do what date nights are for — CONNECT AND COMMUNICATE.

Our children were thrilled that we were in the house instead of out for dinner or a movie, and they did their best to avoid visiting the balcony to give us privacy. I sat across from Edric dressed in athletic gear which had been my garb for the day, and he was in his office clothes. It didn’t matter. We spent two hours up there talking.

At a certain point the kids came out one by one in their pajamas. Tiana drew me a picture. “Mommy, I made this for you!” Edan reported to me that Titus lost the marble of his science experiment kit. Elijah conferred with Edric about a stocks option. (Ok, wait a minute, I don’t remember seeing Titus. Maybe he was hiding because of the lost magnet.) The kids disappeared as quickly as they popped in to spy on us.

It turned out that Edric and I had so much to talk about. From our personal struggles, frustrations, joys and adventures, goals, parenting, ministry, work…Of course we also asked one another the most important question we ask on our dates: “How can I improve?”

Sometimes I dread hearing the answer to this question. Of all the days in the week, this is the day we have reserved for these types of conversations. As humbling as it can be, it has become essential to preserving good communication in our marriage. We have given one another the liberty to say what areas can change for the better. After all, we know one another most intimately. We see what others do not. Furthermore, asking the question, “how can I improve?” keeps the issues from compiling and compounding between us. Even if I don’t always like what Edric has to say, I know God speaks through him.

Edric told me three things:

1. Pray for him. He came back from a U.S. trip with a renewed passion for home education in the Philippines so I am excited to see how this affects his other preoccupations.

2. Do what he asks me to do, with a positive attitude. Whenever he makes a last minute request that requires me to rearrange my own schedule, I will do it, but I must confess that I complain or give him a hard time.

3. Pay attention to details in our home so I can be more organized. Generally, he thinks the home is orderly but he notices everything now. For example, he didn’t like the soap dispenser I was using in the kitchen or the inaccessibility of the hand towel. At first I was annoyed and defensive because it seemed like he was being a nit-picker. But then I thought, okay if it really matters to him, I can change. Why not? It’s just my pride. Plus, after I examined the soap dispenser and hand towel, I realized he had a point. The dispenser wasn’t efficient and the hand towels were positioned in an awkward location.

When he asked how he can improve, I told him one main thing: Continue to be patient and spirit-filled towards me and the children. (Like don’t make a big deal out of soap dispensers! Just kidding!)

Edric likes examples and specifics so I used a recent incident. I was late picking him up for his taping at ABS-CBN because I spent a longer time in the grocery than anticipated. This was my mistake and as a result, Edric was on edge. He tried to squeeze in a quick errand with Elijah, who was with us. They were going to set up his online bank account. Unfortunately, Elijah couldn’t remember his PIN number. Because Edric was in a hurry, he reprimanded him rather harshly.

I could sense that Elijah felt badly so I nudged Edric to console him with an apology. (Elijah was seated in the front so he didn’t see our interplay.) At first Edric resisted, claiming that his response was triggered by my lateness, but a few minutes later, he very sincerely apologized to Elijah.

During our date night, Edric received my suggestion with grace and humility, which I appreciated. After all, I was the catalyst for his ire. I was late when we had agreed on a specific time. However, he still took the observation positively and agreed to improve.

Dialoguing about “how to improve” can be a sensitive discussion for many husbands and wives. So having a time and place to do so helps a lot. When Edric and I are in the state of mind to receive correction because we have agreed upon this aspect of our date nights, we tend to be more responsive rather than reactive.

I have written all of this to say keep dating your spouse. It may not be necessary to spend for a dinner out or movie EVERY week. For my parents, they take evening and morning walks. Whatever formula works for a couple, the objective ought to be improved connectedness and communication.

Here are the components of a REAL date :

– A real date can happen anywhere that’s conducive to private conversation. Venue is secondary to no kids running around vying for mom’s attention and distracting cell phones are set aside.

– A date involves open communication, where one another’s perspectives, feelings and insights are welcomed and affirmed.

– A date involves humility and grace to receive and acknowledge one another’s different perspectives, feelings, and insights!

– A date is purposeful — to connect and grow in intimacy, to get to know one another better so we can pray more effectively and love one another more deeply.

If these aspects are present during a “date,” I am certain it will be mutually enjoyable, too!

God’s intention and design for husband and wife is oneness. But we have to make the effort to safeguard this oneness. Don’t stop dating after you get married. Start having the best dates of your life!

Matthew 19:4-6
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

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INVITING ALL IMPERFECT PARENTS

Most of us are pretty clueless when it comes to rearing children, especially at the beginning. My younger brother epitomized this when he stepped into the hospital room for a visit after I gave birth to my first child. He took in the sight of Elijah and was like, “So, where are his teeth? And what does he eat?”

Seriously, bro?!

It was like he had never seen a baby in his life! (Now he is a pro with his four.)

Whether you are a newbie parent or a parent with multiple children, there’s always a challenge that you have to deal with…at every stage. When they are little there are challenges like training a child to poop in a toilet. Freakin’ hard!

With my four older kids, I took their diapers off at 2 years old. This, according to my mother, would make them realize that urine and excrement have to go somewhere. It usually took two months until they finally understood this so we had urine and excrement on the floor almost everyday. Disinfect! Disinfect! After a while we could anticipate when it was going to happen and rush them into the bathroom. We didn’t always make it! Then I had to scoop up their turdy-turds and transport them to the toilet, making up stories about poop needing to go home.

“Look, he’s happy! He’s going home! Say bye-bye!” Flush. After an insane amount of repetition the message would click and they would get it. (In a year we will have to do the same thing with Catalina.)

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Even if Edric and I have five kids, we keep relearning what it means to be parents. The lessons never end and the challenges never cease. It’s a miracle that our kids are turning out okay so far despite our shortcomings.

 

 

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Yesterday, for example, I was teaching geography and told my son, Edan, that the South China Sea was to the east of the Philippines. Duh. Elijah had to correct my sense of direction. “Mom, the east is always to the right remember, which would make the Pacific Ocean to the right and South China Sea to the left of the Philippines.” He pointed at the Pacific Ocean on the globe as proof of his common sense and my lack of it. Okay, so geography was never a strength of mine. I know I am earth. That’s about it. Heck, I get lost in parking lots.

The point is parenting is difficult on many levels. Teaching geography is peanuts compared to dealing with our children’s heart issues. Potty training is a simple process compared to teaching obedience, respect, treating others with kindness and deference. I could go through a list of character traits that take years of repetition to pass on to our kids.

But here’s some good news…

There’s a manual! It didn’t come in pamphlet size inside the cribs of the hospitals where I birthed my kids. Oh, I would have loved to have a step-by-step guide that was very specific for each of my kids – the kind of printout you find in the box of a new toy — that gives you guidelines on how to operate it, put it together, or supplies you with a list of do’s and dont’s. Don’t eat this, for example. Or, this model is emotional and needs lots of hugging. This one won’t talk much but here’s what you can do to…

However, God has given every parent a manual in the form of His Word. It may not explain how to do Lamaze, or give tips on how to make food interesting to a child, or spell out each milestone of a child’s life and what you can do. But, it does have time-tested principles that answer the greatest questions all parents ought to consider when it comes to parenting:

Who is our child?

What is he or she supposed to become?

What is our role as parents?

How do we get them from baby to adulthood successfully?

What obstacles do we need to be aware of?

What truths do we need to teach them?

How can we equip them to make wise choices that honor God?

How do we survive each season of the parenting journey?

And so on…

Yes, but what about the specifics?! Well, you and I have several options.

  1. Look for mentors who have gone before us, who have raised their children successfully.
  2. Get together with other parents who are like-minded in the desire to raise their children successfully, who can come along side you.
  3. Pray for our children regularly.
  4. Read books and materials written by experts that are consistent with what God’s Word has to say about parenting and children.
  5. Attend retreats, seminars, and conferences that can educate us on how to improve, grow, and become the best parents we can be.

I’m happy to tell you that this October 25, 2014, there will be an event for parents that will allow you to do all five of the things I just mentioned above. Like me, I’m sure you struggle with parenting and feel clueless at times. You get discouraged and need to remember what’s most important about your role and what you are doing. You want to know that you’re not the only one who feels this way. You want to love your kids and meet their emotional, physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual needs but you aren’t always sure how. You want to be directed to the resources and mentors that will help you navigate the parenting seascape (which has, unfortunately become very turbulent these days!)

Then, don’t miss Counterflow 2014, a one-day conference for parents like you and me who are in the trenches of raising children and dealing with the challenges of being a mom or dad. THIS IS FOR IMPERFECT PARENTS ONLY! HEY! THAT’S YOU AND THAT’S ME, AND MAYBE EVEN YOUR FRIENDS! :) HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL THERE!

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Here’s what to expect from the plenary speakers and workshops:

PLENARY SESSIONS

1. Francis Kong: “State of the Family Today”

2. Larry Fowler: “Raising up Josephs in the 21st Century”

3. Peter Tan-chi: “The Power of Modeling”

 

WORKSHOPS (Workshops will be held back to back, so you can attend two of your top choices.)

1. Francis Kong: Bridging the Generation Gap

2. Larry Fowler: Reaching the Heart of Your Child

3. Deonna Tan-chi: Sex & Sexuality

4. Edric and Joy Mendoza: Parenting & Homeschooling: What’s the Fit?

5. Neils and Amyjay Riconalla: Blending a Blended Family

6. Wisdom and Betty Sy, Malu Ortiz, Lincoln and Tina Lim: Parenting Kids with Special Needs

7. Bobbie Barretto: Solo Parenting

8. Ruth Ruivivar: Home Church Partnership in Raising Successful Kids in Today’s World

9. Oscar and Lally Medalla: Parenting Teens 101

10. Paul and Jenny Tan-chi: Disciplining Young Children

 

The Benefits of Homeschooling With an Accredited Program

There are many ways to go about homeschooling. Sometimes I get enamoured by the idea of homeschooling without accountability. Just going about it on my own without the pressure of submitting portfolios, grades, and getting assessments. Accredited programs have requirements that need to be met on top of the actual homeschooling. This added work can be unpleasant.

For example, I would prefer not to submit portfolios (which we have to do for TMA Homeschool). But over the years of having to turn these in to show my children’s work, I have amassed a wonderful collection of their homeschool years. Their portfolios serve as memory books of what they learned and how far they have come. My kids like going through them and seeing how they have grown, too. Interestingly, when Edric and I met with a very important DepEd official, she said that portfolios are one of the best ways to assess a child’s progress. Yeah! Go TMA Homeschool! As far as I know, TMA Homeschool was the first accredited homeschool provider in the Philippines to implement this.

Even though homeschooling under a program can be more challenging, it has many valuable perks. Accredited programs provide transcripts and records which makes it easier to transfer your children to the conventional school in the future. Some programs also track your child’s progress and give you feedback on a regular basis. Others organise events to gather enrolled families together, or set-up cooperatives where families can meet together in smaller groups on a more regular basis.

There are no perfect homeschool organisations. Some may do a better job than others but at the end of the day, an accredited homeschooling program’s biggest plus is the security of knowing that your child’s work is validated. After all the effort you and your child put into the homeschooling experience, this matters a lot. With records to prove that they have moved from one level to another, these documents save a parent the hassle of having to convince schools that their child was actually receiving an education.

In a perfect world, homeschoolers shouldn’t be given a hard time when it comes to transitioning to conventional schools. Yet until that point when Philippine education catches up to homeschooling, we have to be smart about the choices we make. I am all for homeschooling, and I want to safeguard the right of a parent to teach his or her child. But there are many ways to preserve this right. One route is to find a dependable homeschool provider that allows parents enough flexibility to choose how their child will be homeschooled and what materials they will use, but dictates helpful parameters that are intended for the good of the family and their homeschooling experience. For now, this happens to be the option our family has taken.

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So far, I’ve been pleased with where we are headed. My third son, Titus, just had his moving up ceremony last week. He was promoted to 1st grade.

How do kids get promoted to the next level? At TMA Homeschool, parents submit grades for their child and these are reviewed by their Family Advisor or Academic Consultant. A kindergartener is assessed based on a checklist of skills. Being able to read is one of the more important requirements because they will build on this skill in first grade. For elementary students, a portfolio is submitted quarterly along with the grades. For more seasoned homeschoolers, a portfolio can be submitted every semester or at the end of the year (with the approval of a consultant to do so.) The consultant provides a check and balance for parents and meets with the homeschooled child during the portfolio evaluations. These evaluations are generally informal but they allow the consultant to dialogue with the child. The child is also given the opportunity to present his or her work.

At the end of the year, elementary and high school homeschoolers are given an achievement test. This becomes a diagnostic for the parent to refer to – what did we do right this year, how can we improve, what are my child’s areas of strength? of weakness? Personally, I find these assessments very helpful because they provide an objective measure of where my kids are at. (There’s no need to have kids study for these assessments, either, so it’s a more accurate portrayal of what they know and do not know so far, the way they think, problem-solve, and process content.)

Graduation for TMA Homeschoolers happens at three stages — after kindergarten, 6th grade, and Senior year.  At TMA Homeschool, graduation is unique. Besides receiving certificates, children also receive a character award from their parents. This award is announced during the ceremony.  

We gave Titus the character award of being loving. He is a kind, thoughtful, tender-hearted son who thinks about others before himself.

Another special part of the graduation is a child reads a letter of appreciation to his parents which is very sweet because they say things like, “Thank you mom and dad for homesechooling me…” which is always wonderful to hear!

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To celebrate his transition to 1st grade, we also ate out as a family. Congratulations my dear, Titus! I applaud your hard work this year!

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Do’s and Don’ts for Living with Househelp

One of the reasons why I’m writing this is because some readers thought I came across as unreasonable and demanding about my househelp in my entry, Strike 3! They cautioned me to be careful about the way I talk about helpers because it may perpetuate a perspective that encourages their ill-treatment. To clarify…I shared at the beginning of that article, we do love our helpers. However, this point may have been overshadowed by revelations of my feelings over certain issues that arose in our home. So I appreciate the intentions of readers who want to keep me accountable. Thank you! I value your candor with me.

Here’s something to redeem any negativity that may have settled in the hearts of those who thought I was being reactive. This is a practical post on how to navigate the trickiness of employees who live in your home: (Not everything may be a applicable, but perhaps these tips will give you ideas to choose from.) These are practices we have tried to be consistent with in our own home that have led to a healthy relationship between our helpers and us.

  • DON’T PAY THEM THE MINIMUM! PAY THEM MUCH BETTER! I was shocked to find out that P2,500 is the legal amount to pay househelp in Manila! Personally, I don’t think this is fair at all. Most househelp send money to their families in the province which means they are barely left with anything for all their work.
  • INVEST FOR THEM. Edric sets money aside for our helpers monthly, on top of their salaries. This is something we started last year, but it allows our helpers to have forced savings for future needs.
  • INCREASE EVERY YEAR. Most employees get an increase every year so why not our househelp? I was surprised to find out that several of the ladies who came to work for us did not receive an increase for their many years of serving their previous employers. Our mindset is, for as long as God continues to provide for us, we want to give them an increase. It is our privilege to bless them.
  • HAVE REGULAR EVALUATIONS. Every six months, we evaluate their performance so they can get bonuses. We weren’t able to do this last year because things were crazy for our household with house building and packing and a new baby. But in previous years, this was a common practice of ours. (We need to implement this again.) Edric helped me to create an evaluation tool that was similar to company KRAs. It made the expectations clear and professionalized what they do.
  • FEED THEM WELL. This sounds ridiculous to say, but it is common to have a separate menu for helpers. But in our home, our helpers eat the same meals we do (except for breakfast because we don’t like to eat a lot of canned goods and they do.) Personally, I feel this is actually simpler. Less gas is used to cook, and I don’t want them to think we have special food and they get something that is sub-standard. Unless we are eating something like steak, which is rare, whatever we eat, they can have, too. It also works the other way. My kids and I like fish. When Edric isn’t home during the day, that’s what we prefer to eat with our helpers. I’ve heard others say that helpers don’t like the food they eat. While our helpers do not have a palate for everything we eat they’ve actually learned to like Mexican food, burgers, salads, etc. Generally, we don’t cook a lot of pork at home so our helpers don’t eat that much of it either.
  • BE GENEROUS. We go through our closets periodically so we can give away what we don’t use very often. I just gave our helpers a bunch of bags and a ton of kid’s toys that they can hand out to their relatives. Some of these were unopened but our kids have more than enough toys for themselves. We want our helpers to know that we like to share with them the blessings we have received. When we can, we also sponsor their fun. There are occasions when they want to watch a movie together and we will give them money for a night out of bonding and fellowship. A few months ago, Edric got them into ABS-CBN’s Show Time. (Their next request is to watch ASAP!) When they travel with us, we let them try the same things we get to enjoy. Last year, my siblings and I paid for all of our helpers to go to an amusement park so they could take a break from work. They had a blast!

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(We alternate who gets to go on trips with us.)

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Enchanted Kingdom!

  • AVOID ADVANCING MONEY. It’s common for helpers or drivers to ask for an “advance,” which is really just borrowing money and paying it off with their next paycheck. We tell our girls not to borrow from one another or from us. But if there is a valid need, we will help them. This teaches them how to budget and work with what they have. A lot of helpers buy phones and upgrade them more often than we do! So they end up needing money when real issues arise. To avoid this, we let them present to us what they will use the extra money for.
  • DON’T BE DEPENDENT ON THEM TO SERVE YOU. I know I said that I’ve been spoiled by my helpers’ service to me. At the same time, I let them know that I can take care of my kids and the home on my own. It will certainly be difficult if this became the reality. But the point is to show them that I am not asking them to do what I can’t do myself. Some days I take all the kids out with me without asking any of them to come along. My kids may come home looking dirty and soiled but hey, we survive!
  • DAYS OFF. Our girls can take a day off once a week. They prefer to accumulate their days and do 3 consecutive days off in a month. I don’t mind this for as long as they tell me ahead of time and they plan it among themselves so they aren’t all gone in a given week. Some of my friends disagree with allowing their househelp to be away overnight because they may have boyfriends. I’ve had my share of househelp who have gotten pregnant. I tell them not to date the wrong kinds of men, but they still make their own decisions. Whether they are out overnight or not, the reality is, if they are bent on being promiscuous it doesn’t really matter what time of day they are allowed to take off. Personally, I prefer that they don’t come home late at night for safety reasons. So I actually tell them to come home during the morning if they are taking a day off once a week.
  • DAY OF REST. Since they don’t always take weekly days off, we make Sundays easier for them. I don’t require them to do cooking or clean up work, except for the kitchen. And if we don’t have any commitments to attend to on Sundays, we take our helpers out to lunch with us after church. It doesn’t have to be an expensive restaurant, just somewhere out of the house so they don’t have to serve us on Sunday.
  • A SUSTAINABLE DAILY SCHEDULE. When we don’t have visitors and if we aren’t out in the evening, our entire household goes to bed early. Sometimes as early as 9 PM. Dinner is generally at 6 PM for our family, which means that our helpers can retire early. This is great for me because Edric hands off Catalina to them at 6 AM or even earlier sometimes, and they are ready to take care of her.
  • SPONSOR A YEARLY VACATION. With helpers whose families are based in far-flung provinces, we encourage them to take a good amount of time off for a yearly vacation and we pay for this time away. This allows them to reconnect with their families and have an extended period of rest so they can come back re-charged. Only once has this backfired. One of our helpers did not come back at the time she said she would. Usually, they keep their word.
  • CELEBRATE THEIR BIRTHDAYS. As consistently as possible, we make our helpers feel special on their birthdays. A few days after I gave birth to Catalina, it was one of their birthdays. Since Catalina was confined, I went shopping for my househelp because I wanted her to know that we hadn’t forget about her. Fortunately, we lived in the Fort at the time and Catalina was confined in St. Luke’s Global, so everything was close by. Plus, I had given birth Lamaze which made my recovery much faster. Our househelp was so appreciative because she knew that it was a difficult time for us as a family. Since our helpers make many sacrifices for us, I think it matters that we also make sacrifices for them.
  • THROW THEM A PARTY! Every Christmas, my siblings and I organize a party for them with games, prizes, raffles, and food. We gather all our househelp and drivers together for this fun day, which we really enjoy planning. In fact, I’ve got to head out to Divisoria soon to buy prizes for the games! We started doing this three years ago and it has meant a lot to them. It’s our way of communicating how much we appreciate them.

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  • TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO RESPECT YOUR HELPERS. We don’t allow our kids to shout, hit, or command our househelp. If they need something they have to ask politely. Better yet, if they can do it for themselves, we want them to. We also tell our kids they need to clean up after themselves because I don’t want them to develop the habit of making a mess that others mop up for them.
  • USE PLEASE AND THANK YOU AND APOLOGIZE WHEN WE HURT THEM. We may expect our househelp to serve us because we pay them. But I still believe in saying please and thank you, even for the small things. Modeling what it means to say sorry is also important. There was a season when Edric was irritable and he asked for their forgiveness for his bad example.
  • COMMUNICATE YOUR APPRECIATION. Helpers can be some of the most underappreciated people in our lives. We need to complement their hard work. When they cook a good meal, Edric singles them out and tells them, “This is great! We should start a restaurant!” Periodically, I will say, “Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you?” We let them know they are valued, that their faithfulness allows us the flexibility to do things like ministry. My name for them is the “A Team.” When we have events in our home, I can trust that they will set-up, cook, and prepare everything according to how I have trained them. Unless I want to add a new dish or decorate in a particular manner, I don’t need to hover over them. They are a talented, intelligent, and highly capable bunch of women, and I applaud them regularly for their gifts and abilities.
  • HAVE A SYSTEM FOR ENTERTAINING VISITORS. My mother-in-law always has an efficient way of entertaining. So I learned from her. She makes a list of the menu so I copied this idea. I also add the tasks that have to get done and then I have a meeting with my girls to explain what has to happen. Each one of them assists and I keep the kids preoccupied so it’s all hands on deck and they can focus.
  • LAUGH WITH THEM. Edric and I joke around with our helpers quite often. I enjoy talking with them when we are together in the kitchen or in the car. Even though they work for me, I also share conversations with them in the context of a friendship and familiarity that comes with living in the same house. Many times we laugh about their quirks or the funny things the kids do and say. I like to keep the atmosphere laid back so they feel relaxed, too. Hearing them laugh and have fun is a good barometer of how they are doing emotionally.
  • ENCOURAGE THEM TO EXERCISE. Almost every afternoon, they play badminton with our kids outdoors (when it isn’t raining). I want them to get outside. And I’ve told them many times to use the running shoes I gave them to take walks around the village. They aren’t always motivated to do this, but they have our permission to go for a walk.
  • UTILIZE THEIR ABILITIES. Some of my helpers are so capable! It’s such a blessing. They can handle bank transactions for me, manage construction workers, and make purchases so that I can save time and energy. When we were finishing our home, I noticed that one of our girls was very good at directing the workers and keeping them on their toes. So when I had to leave the house, I would instruct her to manage the checklist of items that needed to be finished. She was great at it! Even better than me! My helpers are also better at going to the wet market than I am. So I send them and let them get what they want on top of the fruit, vegetables and fish. They have liberty to choose their snacks and toiletries. It’s not like I give them a ton of money to handle when they make a trip to the market anyway. But it’s a simple way of communicating to them that I trust them to make choices that impact our household. I do the same thing when they need uniforms, letting them select and purchase what they would like to wear for their day-to-day outfits. I used to choose them myself but they didn’t always like them. So I focused on buying the more formal looking ones.
  • LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE A PARENT WHO IS AWARE. Because of my past experience with sexual abuse, I’ve been overly cautious and protective of my children. So I tell my kids that NO ONE should ever play with their private parts. I also teach them to wash themselves and not rely on our helpers to bathe them. I communicate the same thing to the helpers, letting them know that my kids have been told to report to me any incidence of abuse or semblance of it.
  • CORRECT THEM IN LOVE. In the past, I had helpers who had conflicts with one another. It was always stressful to mediate their disputes but I had to learn to be proactive and listen to different perspectives. Usually their conflicts arose from personality clashes. Sometimes it was due to alpha female issues. I would remind them of what our family core values were and encourage them to see their issues from a spiritual perspective. At the same time, I would remind them that we care about them and want to help them grow spiritually.
  • COMMUNICATE CORE VALUES & BELIEFS. Every family has core values and beliefs it lives by, which make it able to survive and thrive. In our home it is having a personal relationship with Jesus which leads to being spirit-filled so we can honor God and love one another the way God wants us to. This is a summary of the essence. We communicate these to our helpers by modeling them and explaining their application in day-to-day scenarios.
  • LET GO OF THE BAD SEED. There are some helpers who refuse to change and get along with others. They also cause further conflict because they are contentious and gossipers. Or, they cannot be trained to espouse our core values. We have to let women like this go if they do not improve because they infect and hurt others, spoiling the dynamic of good working relationships. Of course they are also a source of unnecessary stress in our lives, and it is difficult to trust them. The better thing to do in these instances is to let them go.
  • DON’T EVER SHOUT AT THEM OR DEMEAN THEM. There are occasions when I don’t like what my helpers do or I am disappointed with their choices, but by God’s grace, I haven’t yelled at them. I pray I never do. Because Edric and I are followers of Jesus and our helpers know this, we want them to see consistency between what we say and do, who we are at home. There have been instances when we have had to apologize for our own bad examples. But for the most part, we try our best not to lose our temper with them. Our desire is that they will want to follow Jesus also.
  • EVANGELIZE AND DISCIPLE THEM. Sharing the gospel to our househelp and teaching them about biblical principles is something we also do. I believe the reason why they are such good workers is because they love God and want to please him. Edric and I are imperfect people and our kids can also test the patience of our helpers, so there has to be a greater motivation for their faithfulness. While their salaries and our treatment of them all count as motivational factors, I want it to be more than these.
  • PRAY FOR THEM AND WITH THEM. I try to be intentional about praying for our househelp. They also have families with real needs and concerns. So I pray that God will bless them and protect them, that they will love our family, our kids, their work, and be trustworthy. When they are dealing with a difficult circumstance, Edric and I also pray with them.

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO DO…

  • GET THEM INTO CRAFTS OR A CONSTRUCTIVE HOBBY. Our helpers were into making loom bands for a bit. But I want to give them more productive outlets. My sister-in-law, Jennifer, taught her helpers to bead. They are able to make beautiful necklaces!
  • INVEST IN CLASSES OR WORKSHOPS TO ENHANCE THEIR SKILLS. My mom and dad educate the ladies who work for them. If the Lord increases our financial flexibility and when our kids are older I would like to be able to do this, too. In the meantime, I’d like them to get better training when it comes to hosting and cleaning. My other sister-in-law, Jenny, is such an amazing homemaker. I am not as detailed as she is when it comes to home management but I’d like to learn from her example and get my helpers to be trained by her.
  • GIVE THEM OPPORTUNITIES TO BE ENTERPRISING. One of our former helpers was great at adding to her income by selling load, and trading cell phones. When we lived in a condo, helpers of our neighbors were into catalog selling. Hopefully, we can come up with something that our helpers can do to supplement what they make.
  • HAVE REGULAR BIBLE STUDIES. When we were living in the Fort, it was easier to get my helpers to attend Bible Studies in Valle Verde. I’m praying to be able to find or start a bible study for them where we live that will work with our weekly schedule.

When I share these practices I don’t want it to sound like I’m glorifying what we do in our home. I’ve learned many things the hard way and I’ve been less than the ideal boss on many occasions (maybe not always outwardly but in my heart I’ve thought ill about our helpers because I have been frustrated.) The manner in which we try to live with our helpers and relate with them is largely based on biblical principles like “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and “Love one another.” Being a helper is a noble calling, one that entails humble servitude. We need to attach dignity to it, valuing them and seeking their highest good because God loves them and has a special purpose for their lives, too. He has put them in our homes not just to serve us but to be blessed by us.

IF YOU HAVE IDEAS TO SHARE ON HOW YOU RELATE WITH YOUR HELPERS THAT CAN SERVE AS A BENEFICIAL TIP FOR OTHERS, PLEASE SUGGEST THEM!


 

Strike 3!

Dealing with househelp issues. Sigh. Not my favorite.

Here I am trying to deal…

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I really appreciate the ladies who work for us. They are an amazing blessing, one of the reasons why I don’t EVER want to live in the U.S. or any other country where I have to do everything. I admit it. I’m spoiled in this way. Having household help has allowed me liberties that would be difficult to enjoy if I wasn’t in the Philippines. And we have a great bunch of gals who love our children and ourifamily. We love them, too.

However, I don’t like the “Okay-lang-yan-mentality.” When they are careless and wasteful because we can afford to replace broken things, or they assume that money comes easy for us, it bothers me. Thankfully, I don’t have expensive jewelry, watches, bags or anything that is really worth stealing. Plus, Edric and I don’t keep wads of cash at home. So I don’t worry that people who work for us will be tempted to take our stuff.

But recently, they’ve demonstrated bad stewardship and questionable behavior in terms of trustworthiness…

Strike 1. Two days ago, one of them cooked nearly 40 pieces of boneless chicken thighs for Adobo. Forty pieces of chicken to feed five young children and two adults! I was incredulous. Sure, they made it for themselves, too, but we ended up having Adobo for dinner, Adobo flakes for breakfast, and then Adobo for lunch the next day. Thankfully, Edric didn’t complain. He was a good sport about it.

I, on other hand, was a bad example to my children because I slammed the freezer door in irritation (which is really the worst thing to slam because it hardly makes a sound. So that probably makes it a good thing to slam? Okay, I shouldn’t be promoting slamming…of anything).

“I can’t believe it!” I mumbled to myself after I saw the empty space where two large packs of chicken should have been. Half of each pack would have been sufficient for a meal. Forty for one meal?! I was really annoyed.

Elijah confronted me later on in the afternoon and said, “Mom I need to talk to you about your attitude. You were angry earlier.” I had to apologize to him, the other kids, and Edric. But admittedly, I had a difficult time getting over the 40 pieces of chicken. Skinless, chicken thighs, too. Expensive stuff. Plus, we live so far away from civilization now that getting out of the house to go to the grocery is something I don’t want to do every five days.

Strike 2. I went outside to check on the herbs I bought two weeks ago, and my Rosemary plant was dead. My favorite one…the most aromatic of them all. I gave a simple instruction, please water these herbs and take care of them so I can use them for cooking. My Rosemary plant had turned into dried Rosemary, the kind that ends up in a McCormick bottle! When I brought this to their attention, I didn’t get the penitent disposition I expected. Grrr…

Strike 3. Several items went missing in our house – Elijah’s P 1,500, an Ipod shuffle, a kid’s watch, and Ikea handtowels and washcloths that matched the bath towels in the boys’ and girls’ bathrooms. I didn’t want to suspect my househelp. But they were the most likely suspects.

They know where everything is kept in this home. At the very least, they are responsible for putting our belongings away and keeping track of things like washcloths and hand towels since they do the laundry. It’s not complicated. We use a washing machine and dryer. For a few months they were using a clothes’ line to air dry everything. But it’s a simple process – take the laundry down to the laundry room, do the laundry, hang it out to dry or use the dryer then bring it all back upstairs. Unless the washing machine has an evil stomach I don’t know about, there’s no reason why things should disappear.

And why take hand towels and washcloths?! It matters to me that washcloths and hand towels match their counterpart bath towels. I want hand towels, washcloths and bath towels to be together, folded on the same shelf like a family. Don’t break up the towel family! You just don’t do that. You don’t kidnap members of the towel family! This probably angered me the most.

After giving the ladies a chance to return these items by asking them to look for them, they remained unfound. I plopped myself on the couch in the playroom and expressed that I was deeply upset. I’ve never yelled at my househelp and I don’t plan to, but this was one of those occasions when I wanted to fire all of them.

Once I lose confidence in someone — their ability to carry out a task or to be trusted – my default response (internally, at least) is to take over or get rid of them. Was this a case of irresponsibility or thievery? Was I too nice of a boss? I was confused. So I cried on my bed by myself. I didn’t know if I could trust our househelp but I wanted to be able to. I was wrestling with all kinds of judgmental thoughts but I also wanted to be gracious and understanding.

I prayed about how I was feeling, but I also called the one person I knew would give me perspective…Edric.

He had just come from a speaking engagement with Elijah when I started sobbing over the phone, telling him about the missing items, that I didn’t want to accuse the girls but who else would have taken them?

Edric assured me that he would help me settle this. Even though he was really tired, he came home and set up four chairs in the guest room for our househelp to sit on. And he brought in a chair for himself. Rounding them all up, he requested that they gather in the guest room where he was going to talk with them. I wasn’t allowed to enter.

Twenty or so minutes later, he called out to me, “You can come in now,” and I entered into a room of tearful faces. What did my husband do? Was my first thought. Edric encouraged me to share what I was feeling. This was like an AA meeting.

Very honestly and openly I expressed to the girls that I was disappointed and concerned. I didn’t want to be the kind of boss that was suspicious of them. Operating from a point of distrust wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted to have with them. They were important to me and I appreciated their hard work. However, if we were to move forward and get past this, I needed to know that they were going to be better stewards and help me manage the home well. I needed to know that I could trust them to take care of our home and everything (and everyone) in it. In closing, I told them that Edric and I wanted them to love Jesus and have a personal relationship with him above all else. It is this relationship that defines us and our family culture, and we desire the same for them.

Although we shared the gospel with three of the four of our househelp before, Edric took the opportunity to do so again. One of the ladies had not heard it and we wanted to make sure that she understood what it meant to give her life to Christ. He prayed for them, our home, what happened, and the future.

I found out later on that Edric talked to them about four things when I wasn’t in the room. Here is a summary of his “Four-point Lecture”:

  1. We trust you. We will continue to trust you.
  1. Take care of my wife. I love her and I don’t want her to be stressed. When she called me crying, I decided to step in and talk with all of you, to remind you to take care of her and help her manage this home well. Don’t make it difficult for her. 
  1. If you take care of our home, we will take care of you. For as long as it is in our capacity to do so, we will help you. (They know Edric meant this because there have been occasions when their family members had problems and we gave money, or they needed to pay for something and we helped them out. We don’t advance money because we don’t want them to develop the habit of borrowing. We tell them, if the need is valid, we will help you.)
  1. You are accountable to God for the choices you make. We cannot watch you all the time, but God is watching you. If you decide to ever take anything from us or if you have malice, that’s between you and God. Just remember that you are the sum of your choices.

Edric was firm but he made sure that our household help knew that we value them.

When Edric and I were alone, I hugged him and thanked him. He didn’t have to talk to our household help. This problem fell under my scope of responsibility. But he repeated what he often tells me. “I like to rescue you.” Plus he knows that my Filipino is horrible when I’m in a state of panic or stress. It’s pretty useless. I would’ve blundered through my attempts at articulating what needed to be said.

I don’t think we will ever recover the items we lost. While this remains an unfortunate reality, I believe that God had a purpose for the incidences that preceded the conference with our household help. The meeting turned out to be an opportunity to minister to them on a spiritual level. We all left that time together healed in some way. I let go of the anger I was harboring and the girls knew that we weren’t going to hold what transpired against them. We were going to move forward and past the circumstances in a positive manner. And best of all, we brought the issue before the Lord together so he could be the one to convict their hearts and cause them to mature and grow spiritually.

As for me…well…I decided to do a massive cleaning of our house, room by room, to make sure I know where everything is. I’ve only finished three rooms so far, but going through each drawer, shelf, and cabinet has made me feel like a better home manager already! This domestic crisis inspired me to be more organized and more aware, to do what I can to be a better steward of God’s blessings. After all, I need to model stewardship to our househelp if I want them to internalize this.

Obeying Your Husband = God’s Bountiful Blessings

Edric and I usually don’t spend alot for birthday parties. With five children, that kind of expense can add up. However, we do like to celebrate their first year of life with a dedication ceremony that gives them back to the Lord. It’s the principle of “for God’s use only.” The Bible says, “The earth is the Lord and all it contains, the world and all who dwell in it.” (Psalm 24:1) Therefore our children, our possessions, our accomplishments all belong to Him.

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For Catalina, we waited until October to hold her birthday/dedication event so we could time it with our house dedication. We invited family, our bible study group, Edric’s best friends from high school, and a few of our neighbors. I wanted to invite more people but the headcount for our guests was somewhere around 140 (with kids and yayas) which was a sizable number to have in our home.

I wasn’t sure how we were going to feed everyone if the cooking was dependent on me. So I asked Edric what kind of budget we had to work with and he mouthed out a number that wasn’t too exciting. How in the world was I going to put together this event with such a small budget?

His reasons were valid. We just finished our home so expenses have been tighter. It’s saving mode time. But X amount for food, tables and chairs, décor, games and prizes? I racked my brain trying to figure out how to do it.

Here were my options:

1. Cook some of the food and order the rest. Borrow chaffing dishes from my mom. Rent the tables and chairs. Decorate on my own.

2. Get a more reasonable caterer that wouldn’t be able to style it but had good food. Decorate on my own.

3. Hire a caterer who could supply some of the food, bring tables and chairs and centerpieces, and I provide the rest of the menu.

4. Convince Edric to give me a bigger party fund so I could get someone who could decorate and cater for me and create the theme I wanted, and be stress-free!

Naturally, I desired option 4. It would have been the simplest way for me to hold the party. But I knew that Edric really wanted me to be frugal. So I did my part to plan and find suppliers.

I wrote a random post on Facebook asking for caterer recommendations. While I received a number of helpful responses, one of the suggestions really stood out — Passion Cooks Catering. I checked out their Facebook account and I thought, Here’s a company that will surely be able to execute the theme I wanted. 

Since I had no idea what their rates were like I sent them a message and explained my requirements. In response, I received a list of their prices. When I went through their price list, I was discouraged. Their costs weren’t within the range of my budget.

So I kept looking for suppliers and narrowed down my choices to three options. Passion Cooks was still one of them but I didn’t reply to their proposal right away. I was considering another caterer who had given me a proposal the included food, chairs and tables. In fact, I was inclined to finalize with them because the price was right, but I waited for a few more days. In the meantime, I received a Facebook message from Maja Martinez-Angeles, one of the owners of Passion Cooks Catering , asking if I reviewed their newest proposal.

She sent me another menu that was for a heavy merienda which I really liked, and she also offered to set-up chairs, tables, and decorations. But it didn’t indicate the cost. Here’s where my internal wrestling with submission to Edric came in. I knew that if I really begged him, he would allow me to increase my budget. He is sweet towards me like that. He’s often said, “You are my weakness.” However, if he did give in to me it would be due to manipulation on my part. And I didn’t want to do that. His desire to keep to a budget was a good one and I knew I should honor it.

Before I sent a reply to Maja, God convicted me very strongly to OBEY Edric. I was embarrassed to tell her the price per head that I needed but God told me, You obey Edric and tell Maja what your budget is. Be humble and honest. Be willing to settle for the other caterer because you should honor Edric. Don’t try to manipulate Edric to get your way.

Okay, okay. I replied to Maja saying that at this point in time, I only had such and such amount to work with and I would consider getting her for a future event instead. In a few minutes, Maja got back to me and said, “The menu I proposed to you is X amount.”

What?! Seriously?! I couldn’t believe it. It was even lower than what I had told her! But what about chairs and tables and décor? Maja told me she would include that in the cost.

I almost fell off my chair. In fact, I got teary-eyed. It seemed too good to be true.

She asked me to meet her so we could discuss details. We convened at a café where I also met her adorable daughter, Yuna, and to my surprise, she casually mentioned, “I forgot to tell you that I go to CCF (our church), and I’m under the discipleship group of Cindy Soriano (The wife of CCF Alabang’s head pastor, Joby Soriano). Oh, and I read your blog, too.”

By this time I knew it was definitely too good to be true! This was the Lord’s doing! Maja turned out to be such a wonderful, professional, experienced, and capable stylist/caterer/businesswoman. I was very impressed with how easy this all seemed to her. She understood exactly what I was hoping for in terms of a look for the event. For example, I wanted a rustic garden theme with folded white chairs (not the typical mono bloc covered ones or tiffany chairs), and wooden tables. Maja’s company had these. I also wanted more gourmet food which her menu options had. She even handed me packed food to taste without me asking for her to do this.

The food was delicious! Even my son, Elijah, exclaimed, “This is the best salad ever!” in reference to their Mango Salsa with Catfish Salad.

Through the course of our discussions, I also found out that Maja had six years of experience in New World Hotel after she graduated from college before starting her business. I believe this is one of the reasons why she has a keen eye for detail and sophistication. Following her work there, she partnered with her mom (who is a chef), to create Passion Cooks Catering.

She worked hard to build this business. When she was starting out, a certain venue told her that her chaffing dishes were outdated and didn’t “pass” their standards. Now, they more than welcome her business! I asked her how many people she can cater for in a day and she replied, “We can handle up to 2,500 people.” This translates to multiple events or one HUGE wedding! Today, Maja handles wedding occasions and her partners, Melissa Cabrera-Bolasco and Ivy Caparas, oversee kiddie parties and other celebrations.

After I met with Maja, I was very confident that she would be able to take care of everything. The stress I had felt as I scrambled to find caterers and brainstorm dissipated. All I had to do was complete my “assignments.” Send her photos of my inspirations, find a photographer, source a sound system, email her the dimensions of our yard, and give her the list of the kids’ games, etc.

Early Saturday morning, Maja sent her army of people to our home. Two hours before the event, Elijah came bounding up the stairs to drag me down to see all the décor. “You HAVE to come downstairs, mom!” I was in the middle of printing the game rules but he kept insisting.

The backyard was transformed into a stunning rustic garden theme…better than I imagined! Edric was thoroughly impressed. He had no idea what kind of coordination had happened behind the scenes when he was in the U.S. that week. When he saw our backyard, he couldn’t believe it! ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I STUCK TO HIS BUDGET AND OBEYED HIM.

He was so pleased that I did so, he even asked, “Do you need more money? How can I help you?” The context was this…A few hours before 3 PM (when the party was to start), I presented to him the cake that I made myself. I made this cake to save money. He forced down a chuckle because the icing had peeled off the cake on one side. It was an obvious disaster. So his heart went out to me and he told me that whatever I needed he would get for me! So we made an emergency trip to buy three rainbow cakes and other materials for the games.

In the meantime, Maja dropped by for a bit to check on the place. When I saw her I told her how amazed I was! But this wasn’t the end of the story…

She had told me to get a photographer and we knew a couple of photographer friends. Unfortunately, all of them were busy this past weekend. So Edric told Elijah to take pictures of the set-up. Well, Maja texted me that her friend, Joshua, was going to snap photos of the details before the guests arrived. It turned out that Joshua recognized Elijah from a photoshoot of our family last year, and he offered to photograph our family and send a team to cover Catalina’s party!

Joshua didn’t just take our family portrait, he also took the Tan-Chi family portrait. This was something my parents and siblings wanted to get done while my sister, Candy and her husband, Jeff , were visiting from the U.S. Initially, I asked my brother, Peter, to bring his camera to the party so we could do an informal shot of the family. He was prepared to do this but God provided a professional.

Joshua De Guzman is a 22-year old photographer who is spunky and very talented! Even though he is young, he is already a very experienced photographer. Check out his Facebook page: Little J Photography. This guy is going to go places.

During a quick lunch with him and Maja before the party, we found out that he used to be a fish vendor in Tuguegaraw before following his dream of becoming a photographer. Coming to Manila to study, his “calling card” was the blackboard/whiteboard, where he would write something like this, “If you want a free photoshoot, call me and bring a camera.” He didn’t even own his own camera but he used these opportunities to get lots of practice and train himself. Today he is living his dream at such a young age.

If I were to enumerate all the ways God blessed this day, this article would get very long. (It already is.) But, the last thing I wanted to share was how God held the weather. I checked the weather forecast for Saturday, October 4, every single day for two weeks prior to it. All the forecasts said to expect thunderstorms. Ack. Every day before Saturday, there was heavy rain in the afternoon. But October 4 was the best day to do it because my sister was leaving two days after and almost all of the people we invited were available on this day. So I just prayed really hard and asked family and friends to pray, too.

The entire morning was clear and the clouds started to darken in the early afternoon but the miracle was, we only had a light shower and no downpour. Since we had tents in the backyard, we were perfectly fine.

Let’s put this all together…

I didn’t want to follow Edric’s budget at first. But because I honored him as my husband, God gave me…

…the gift of a gorgeous party we could not afford

…styled by a brilliant artist-of-a-woman

…who happened to be a member of our same church

…who happened to be a reader of my blog

…so we could celebrate the life of a daughter and a home we do not deserve

…with friends and family who came despite the horrendous traffic

…on a day that should have had torrential rain but didn’t

…that was captured by a talented photographer

…who happened to be free to take photos of the event

…who also took our family portraits

…who volunteered his services

…who sent a team to cover the rest of the party

…who gave us amazing photos to remember an amazing day!

It’s not always easy for me to obey Edric. There are days when I don’t want to, when I want my own way. However, I remember principles like Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I need to prefer God’s will; to wholeheartedly follow His principles; to love His precepts; to want Him over my own desires.

If I had placed my desire for a beautiful, stress-free party above my obedience to Edric, I would have forfeited the extraordinary happenings of that day. Desire must follow delighting in God. In the end, obeying Edric resulted in God’s bountiful blessings. Furthermore, since Edric saw that I really tried my best, I had his favor, too.

Will this always be the case? I don’t know how God intends to reward us as wives every time we honor our husbands. However, I do know that in his perfect time and perfect way, he will bless us because he calls himself a REWARDER of those who seek him. (Hebrews 11:6)

May you and I continually experience this truth in our lives and marriages!

MANY THANKS TO MAJA OF PASSION COOKS CATERING AND JOSHUA OF LITTLE J PHOTOGRAPHY! MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU IN INCREDIBLE WAYS FOR YOUR GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT, AND THE MANNER IN WHICH YOU CONSTANTLY GIVE GLORY TO HIM WITH YOUR ARTISTRY!

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Virginity

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My beautiful sister, Candy, is visiting from the U.S. with her family. She gave her testimony about purity to a group of young people two weekends ago. I asked her for a copy of what she shared for the benefit of all my single readers. May this post bless you!

CANDY: Growing up my parents always talked to us about staying pure, guarding our hearts and bodies from sexual sin, and saving ourselves for marriage. They said we have to make the choice ahead of time to stay pure and abstain from sex before marriage. If you don’t decide ahead of time, when the temptation comes, it will be harder to say no.   This applies to other areas of our lives…. Whether it be saying no to drinking, to smoking, to drugs, and even sexual orientation.

As a teenager, I actually struggled with the thought, what if I become a lesbian someday?  I played a lot of sports and I women from opposing teams were hitting on me…even while I was playing basketball against them! I talked to my mom about this and confessed my fears. I said I don’t want to be a lesbian because I know it’s against God’s word but I’m afraid I might become one. She said it is a choice. I just need to decide ahead of time to follow God’s design and trust in Him.

Amazingly, when I decided I would never become a lesbian or even experiment with things of this nature, I had a peace that came over me. The worry vanished. (I’m so glad I communicated with my Mom what was going on in my head, too, because she was able to help me.)

Another way my parents helped me was encouraging me not to be in an exclusive dating relationship until I was ready to get married. So in high school, I never had a boyfriend. However, when I started attending college, I told my parents that I needed to start dating so I would know what kind of man I wanted to marry. To me, that sounded logical and I thought I knew more than my parents about this subject. Their ideas were old fashioned to me.

Instead of reacting or belittling my ideas, we openly discussed this train of logic. I soon realized I had it backwards. First, to pray and decide what kind of man I wanted to marry… and then ONLY date the man that fit my criteria, a man who had the godly characteristics I longed for. I didn’t need to date a lot of guys to figure that out. It would be a waste of my time and open me up to more temptation.

Because I was able to internalize this truth while talking to my parents, God protected me from a lot of heartache, wasted relationships and time, and potential immorality. I still remember my Dad telling me… “someday there will come a point where you think you know more than me, but I will still know more than you.” Now that I’m an adult and have my own children, I full-heartedly believe that parents do know more than their children since they have the added wisdom of experience.

However, even though I believed my parents and wanted to protect my purity, I didn’t always listen to their advice. One of the guidelines my parents taught me was never be in a room alone with the opposite sex. Until dental school, I had never kissed a guy.  However, there was a man who started courting me. He was handsome, musical, and smart. One night we were in my room alone and before I knew it we were kissing. I remember feeling guilty afterwards and realized I shouldn’t have done that. I had wasted my first kiss on somebody that I wasn’t sure I was going to marry. Even though I knew this in my head, there was a strong temptation to be physical with him.

I finally shared with my parents what was going on with me and this guy. Being accountable to my parents gave me renewed strength to put boundaries when it came to the physical aspect. I also asked my parents if they could meet the guy because I didn’t want to get into a serious relationship unless they approved of him.

As my parents sat down with him and asked them questions about his plans and life goals, his answers made me realise that he wasn’t God’s best pick for me. With difficulty but conviction, I was able to end the dating relationship.  I praise God that my parents lovingly intervened to help me process and think through my affections for this guy. Because of their wisdom, it was apparent that I shouldn’t be with him.

After this experience, I committed to honor my parents and marry someone they approved of.  Second, I knew what kind of man I wanted to marry… someone who really loved the Lord and had a mature relationship with Him. In time, God brought His best choice to me with the full blessing of my parents. In fact, he was a man whom my father identified as someone I should consider. When my dad broached the idea to me this man, Jeff, had a girlfriend. But soon after Jeff broke up with her and began expressing interest in me.

Even though I had given my first kiss away, I was able to stay a virgin and give Jeff that gift when we got married. Seven years ago, we got married and today we are blessed with a growing family — three boys — Corban, Levi and Joshua. We are both dentists, serving the Lord together, and we share a burden for dental missions.

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God’s way is the Best Way. There is no better life lived than one that obeys and follows the Lord. God’s will for us is to be pure and to guard ourselves against sexual sin.  It takes commitment to be pure and holy, to preserve one’s virginity, and to set guidelines in order to avoid the temptation that is out there.  The decision must be made long before a relationship is in the picture. Furthermore, letting our parents have a say about a major choice like who we date and marry may not always turn out the way we hope, but he uses their wisdom and experience to protect us and help us make wise choices. I am so glad I didn’t continue in my relationship with the guy I was seeing before Jeff. If I hadn’t heeded the advice of my parents, I would have missed out on the blessings God intended for me.

To those who aren’t virgins, make the decision today to be pure. My husband wasn’t a virgin when we started dating. He had slept with his first girlfriend and deeply regretted what he did. I praise God that he was a changed man before we dated. He and I decided NOT to have sex together until we got married. So you can say that he was a spiritual virgin in our relationship.

Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart oh Lord, my God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

—–

MY POST NOTES…

As Candy’s older sister, I’ve witnessed first hand how God has directed the course of her life because she sought to honour him and his principles. By His grace, she was preserved from the heartaches that many women experience today. She bypassed the broken heartedness, deceit, betrayal, and depression that are very often the aftermath of sexual sin (not to mention the possibility of pregnancy and STD’s, too). As a bonus, God led her to a man who respected her for her convictions and who wanted to honour them. Yes, these men still exist in the world! Jeff is a man who loves God and Candy deeply. He is also intelligent, wise, successful, and good-looking. He may not have had a perfect past (none of us do), but when he gave his life to the Lord, he too committed to purity.

I have yet to meet a woman who celebrates her sexual exploits and experiences outside the context of marriage.  Sooner or later women come to a point of recognition — that sex as portrayed by a world that has rejected its DESIGNER, is a fleeting pleasure that doesn’t satisfy the greater longings for love and happiness. It may be fun at the onset, but the reality is we do not gain by giving away what is precious to us to a man who is not our husband. It is never a fair trade to exchange our bodies for the promise of their love and devotion. An honourable man will not expect a woman of worth to do this for him. This is a privilege reserved for the security and sanctity a marital relationship provides.

In contrast, I have met many women who committed to purity who are enjoying marriage as God intended them to. They do not carry the ugly baggage that sexual sin attaches to their souls. Although it is common to think casually about sex and to lose one’s virginity early, the blessings of purity are worth the wait — peace, joy, protection, and God’s favour.

When everyone is saying that sex is okay outside of marriage and giving hearty approval to those who engage in it, it’s easy to buy into the same perspective and do the same. So the company one keeps is important.Whether it is family members or a group of friends who share the same convictions, accountability makes the commitment to purity more plausible.

It’s also necessary to be sensitive to the values we are exposed to. From billboards, advertisements, TV shows, movies, internet sites, music, and even people we look up to and see as role-models, we are developing appetites and patterns of thinking that impact our concept of right or wrong. If we are constantly bombard by messages that tell us sex outside of marriage is the norm then we will believe this. Furthermore, what is to prevent us from remaining faithful to our spouse in marriage? Whatever habits we form before marriage will be difficult to undo later on.

So my dear young people, I would like to encourage you to make God’s word the standard. Sexual purity isn’t about staying a virgin, it is much more than this. Virginity is first and foremost a condition of the heart towards God. It is about seeking to be holy in our thoughts and actions as He is holy.

1 Corinthians 6:20 “For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”

For those who have made choices that have not glorified God, there is hope. Purity is a byproduct of what we fill our minds with and what we believe about God and ourselves. Don’t focus on pursuing purity. Pursue God and his will for your life and he will be the one to purify you inside and out.

Some people have said, but what about the guys? Are there any guys out there who will save themselves for us? That’s God’s department. I was blessed to marry a guy who was a virgin. (I can talk about this in another post.) There are men out there who love God, who have also committed to purity, but I doubt you will encounter them at common social venues that one might expect to. Forget about bars, for instance. Broaden the horizon. I like what one pastor said and I will paraphrase it here… “If you want to find God’s best, run as hard and as fast as you can towards God, then look to your left or right. If you see someone running in the same direction, grab their hand.” Some of the sweetest marriages have happened when two persons who give themselves to God’s work find one another in the context of serving God. How amazing it is when we recognise a shared passion to build God’s kingdom in the heart of another. How greater still when this recognition leads to a marital union that makes two better as one!

 

 

Beware Of the Bladderwort Woman

Deceitfully beautiful yellow flowers, that’s a Bladderwort.

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(Photo source: www.fs.fed.us)

My sons and I have been reading about carnivorous plants. Edan and Titus love this part of their Botany. Venus Fly Traps, Sundews, Pitcher Plants and Bladderworts. We spent an extended time discussing Bladderworts because I made an analogy between carnivorous plants of this nature and women they should avoid in future. (When you are the teacher, you can insert all kinds of discussions that you deem important.)

These yellow flowers grow above water but devour creatures by sucking them into bladder-like cases in their roots. Like other carnivorous plants, Bladderworts don’t kill creatures to eat them. They take their nitrogen (which plants normally get from the soil). When animals get up close they are vacuumed in and digested. Most carnivorous plants also leave the exoskeleton of an animal behind.

Hmm…as I was reading this, I had a moment’s epiphany and thought about connecting this topic to a short lesson on the opposite sex. I explained to my sons that they need to avoid Bladderwort women.

This lead to an even livelier discussion which had my boys laughing aloud. But I was serious. I reminded them that in the future they need to look for women with genuine substance, who are beautiful inside and out — who love God above all. I warned them that there are women out there who will look very attractive but, like Bladderworts, these women will lead to their demise and ruin. In fact, this breed of woman can turn them into a skeletal version of the men God intends for them to be (in the spiritual sense).

“Beware the Bladderworts, boys! Someday, when you meet someone you think is pretty, I am going to ask you, ‘Is she a bladderwort?’ just to check.”

We had another round of guffaws! They liked that one. Bladderwort is such a cool name for a bad woman. It sounds so much like a wart.

My sons are young but I want them to have an internalized checklist of what to look for and avoid in a woman, way before their curiosity in girls is piqued. They are already aware of the affections that naturally develop between a man and a woman. This dynamic is evident everywhere, even in cartoons (sometimes unfortunately so.) They also observe Edric and I as we relate to one another as husband and wife. But romance hasn’t been awakened in them yet. Whew. They are too preoccupied with being boys which is wonderful because it is the best time to pass on principles on courtship (in manageable doses of course!).

Preventive is better than prescriptive. I don’t want to talk about these things when they have already given their hearts away.

So here we go…

“Carnivorous” women use men in the same way actual carnivorous plants do. They tend to be takers who knowingly or even unknowingly look to a man to fill a lack in themselves. If a woman NEEDS a man to live, to feel complete, to project a certain image of herself, or to feel happy, she becomes a life sucker. This is the opposite of what God designed women to be — lifegivers. (A term used by author John Eldredge for the Hebrew word “helpmate” in Genesis.)

In contrast to carnivorous plants, GOOD FLOWERS are life-giving to bees, butterflies, and other critters that are drawn to their nectar. But carnivorous plants ensnare hapless creatures with their sweet smell so they can trap them. They use their “attractiveness” for selfish reasons.

This sounds similar to women who put much emphasis on external appearances to feed their sense of security or worth. I can be guilty of this. Sometimes my motivations for dressing up are totally self-centered. I want to hear compliments about the way I look to butter up my ego. So I praise God for a year of feeling unattractive with braces, hormonal skin breakouts, and my post-pregnancy body!

Proverbs 31 says, “charm is deceitful and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord she shall be praised.”

It’s not wrong to be fashionable and make the effort to stay fit and healthy. However, it goes back to motivation and purpose. Are we trying to attract people to ourselves or to Christ? How much time, effort and money do we spend on our looks?

Interestingly, carnivorous plants also grow in swampy areas and places without much soil. My encouragement to the men…do your research! Check the “surroundings” — who does this woman hang out with? Who are the ladies that belong to her inner circle of friends and confidants? Are they the type that nourish her spiritually and emotionally like good soil to a plant? What’s her background? Does it smell “swampy” or do others speak highly of her virtues?

20140927-194627-71187112.jpgMoms, as we educate our sons on character traits to look for and avoid in a woman, let’s model the right ones for them, too. We are very often the benchmark for our sons’ concept of a woman. But sometimes we can be Bladderworts to our husbands and children and suck the life right out of them! So the secret is to root our identity in Jesus Christ; be nourished by his love; and reflect the glory of his light.

I like how Edan put it, “Women should be Sunflowers.” You got it, kiddo! A-sunflower-kind-of-woman has her face turned toward the Son (Christ) and she radiates Him. That’s real beauty. (‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭5‬ NASB) May our sons have the wisdom to discern this!

When Things Turn Sour, BE SWEET!

Early this morning I had a doctor’s appointment for my scoliosis. Three of my kids were with me — Elijah, Edan and Titus. (My two girls have been sick).

I asked the driver to park while the kids and I headed up to the clinic. After thirty minutes my appointment was done which was great. I was in a rush to head home to my sick Catalina so I could feed her. Even though she usually has a good appetite, she hardly ate the day before due to her bronchitis. Breastfeeding was the best way to make sure she got enough in her to battle the sickness.

When I called my driver to pick us up, he didn’t answer his phone. So I sent him a text message. Still, I didn’t get a reply. I sent another one and NOTHING.

After 6 unanswered calls and failed messages, I was tempted to be annoyed. What was he doing?Sleeping?! (That was my first thought.) What were my options? Take a taxi with the boys? Wait outside anyway? Was the driver okay? Did something happen to the car?

The boys and I checked all levels of the basement parking trying to spot our car. We couldn’t find our driver or the vehicle.

How was I to deal with this unpleasant experience? I wanted to grumble and mumble and act entitled. But God convicted me to be thankful and use the opportunity to spend time with my boys.

So I told them, “When things don’t go our way, we need to be thankful. Perhaps God is protecting us from an accident. God is reminding us to be positive. I want to be upset because we shouldn’t have to wait like this. But let’s make the most out of our time. Let’s have fun!”

The boys were like, “Yeah!”

We found a Krispy Kreme cafe where I bought the boys shakes and we did some impromptu homeschooling. I happened to have Edan and Titus’ Botany book with me so we enjoyed a lively discussion about carnivorous plants.

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We spent an hour in Krispy Kreme before I gave our driver another call. This time he answered!

“Where are you? Did you fall asleep?” My tone had a hint of agitation in it which was perceptively detected by my very auditory son, Elijah. “Mom, don’t get angry,” he said melodically.

“Angry? I am not angry.” (Okay, I was annoyed. There’s a difference right?!) It’s amazing how Elijah can hear the slightest changes in pitch and notation. I wasn’t raising my voice but I am glad Elijah reminded me to keep it cool. My kids do a great job at keeping me accountable for my actions!

I heeded Elijah’s advice and gave our driver the opportunity to explain himself. Listen, listen, listen. It turned out his phone was acting up. My calls did not register even though I heard the ringing on my end and he received my text messages only as we were on our way home. I heard them come in and he said, “Ay ma’am, I just received your texts.”

Nevertheless our driver was so polite and apologetic for making us wait. Whew. I am glad I didn’t get angry. He is such a nice guy and he has a pre-millennium version of a cell phone (which I hope to upgrade soon with Edric’s permission!)

It’s so easy to judge people and criticize them when we don’t see the entire picture. If I had lost my temper with my driver and scolded him, I would have been a bad example to my kids and our driver. This incident taught me to make the most of a sour situation by having a SWEET ATTITUDE. (And maybe literally drinking something sweet!) That extra hour of fellowship with my sons was worth the inconvenience.

I also learned to suspend negative thoughts about others and seek to understand where they are coming from. As a result I was happy to hear Elijah tell me, “I learned to be patient and not to judge people.” Amen!

Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” (‭John‬ ‭7‬:‭24‬ NASB)

Just A Little MORE Respect

I am on a role with this respect series so I am going to go ahead and post what I just shared at a couples’ retreat in Baguio…

At the beginning of my marriage I struggled in the area of respect. (For those of you who have followed my blog, you have heard me say this a number of times.)

I thought I had married the man of my dreams. He was (still is) but in our marriage, certain realties presented themselves.

Edric had temper issues. I didn’t see this when we were dating. But my father-in-law jokingly told me once, “Edric can be a monster.” I laughed because I thought it was an exaggeration. This couldn’t possibly be true, I thought.

However, a few weeks after we got married I began to see what my father-in-law meant. Edric had a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to him. When he was in good spirits he was the most fun person to be with. He was energetic, intense, and passionate. But, when he was uncomfortable due to heat, hunger, fatigue, or stress, he was the binary opposite. If his expectations were not met he tended to be critical. Furthermore, as the only son in his family, he wasn’t used to being flexible with inefficiencies and changes in plans. He admitted that he was used to being treated like a PRINCE. Naturally, in marriage, he graduated to KING and wanted to be treated that way.

I began to entertain thoughts like, “Is this the man I married? Is this how marriage is going to be?”

One of the mistakes I made was I compared Edric to my dad. Even though I didn’t vocalize this, it was like I had a mental chart in my head with two names on it..Edric versus my father. And then I went down the list of “categories” and said things like, “Why can’t Edric be more even-keeled like dad? Why doesn’t he make choices like dad in this area? Why isn’t he a better provider?”

So I made it my mission to help Edric be a better husband and leader. I thought I was doing him a favor by correcting and pinpointing areas for improvement. But this didn’t work. It only lead to more conflict.

Edric would be driving down Edsa and if someone cut him off, he would try to chase the person down and antagonize him. This would deeply annoy me, so I would say things like, “Why do you have to get angry? You shouldn’t do that. That’s not a godly response.”

He would react with greater irritation at my attempts to teach him, and tell me to back off and leave him alone, that it wasn’t the time or place to correct him. According to him, he already knew he was wrong and he didn’t need me to say it.

This sort of scenario and many others repeated themselves over and over so that I developed a resentment toward Edric. I became an expert at rolling my eyeballs, deep sighing, snide remarking, contradicting and arguing, the silent treatment, even withholding sex at times, and a host of other tactics to communicate my disappointment in his leadership and choices.

I even kept journals where I enumerated my frustrations and hoped that he would read them. He didn’t. He had no idea what kinds of ugly feelings inspired me to fill pages and pages of my notebooks. After a while, I worried that if my children or others ever read my journals in the future they would think I had such an awful marriage which wasn’t true. But since I tended to write more when I was upset at Edric, my journals reflected this!

I praise God for couples’ retreats and seminars, the advice of wise women who have gone before me, and for God’s word where I learned and relearned about my role as a wife. I had failed to respect Edric because I thought of it as conditional. My perspective was, If he was deserving I would respect him. And what about me? What about being cherished and treated with respect?

God showed me that I was neck-deep in ugly pride and bitterness, and these hidden sins of my heart were making me a contentious and unpleasant wife. I mistakenly thought I was the better half in our relationship, the one who was more spiritually mature. But I wasn’t! My attitude was turning Edric’s heart away from me and it wasn’t inspiring him to grow spiritually either.

I realized that respect was one of Edric’s needs and desires, and I wasn’t meeting it. More importantly, I was disobeying God’s command to respect Edric as the head of our marriage and family. God convicted me to look at the many ways that I needed to change. How could I be a better helpmate? Edric’s strong supporter? A life-giver along side him? What did I have to stop doing and start doing?

I determined to do four things:

The first was I PRAYED for Edric and SURRENDERED him to the Lord. Instead of nagging Edric, I began to beseech God, presenting to him very specific requests about Edric, myself and our marriage. As I came before the Lord in dependence and brokenness, I experienced God’s peace, assurance, and security. The burden to change Edric was turned over to Jesus and I relaxed as a wife.

For the first time I began to understand what it meant to be a gentle and quiet spirit. It was resting in who God is amidst circumstances, amidst the urge to manipulate or control Edric, or fight for my rights as a wife. It was knowing that I was heard — my hurts, longings and desires — by the ONE who knew me best and loved me most.

Second, I FORGAVE Edric and chose to apply the principle of a CLEAN SLATE. If Jesus had died for me and forgiven me completely, who was I not to do the same for my husband?

The Bible tells us the God’s mercies are new every morning. Similarly, I needed to let go of the compounded hurt that kept stealing my joy. Instead of thinking, “he’s never going to change”, or “see he’s going to do the same thing again,” I said to myself each day is a new opportunity to love and forgive Edric.

Third, I asked Edric “HOW CAN I BE A BETTER WIFE? This is, of course, a dangerous question to ask! I discovered I had to improve a lot! I needed to speak in a more gentle way, I needed to do what he told me right away (as often as possible), I needed to prioritize his want for companionship, attention, service, and intimacy. So I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for my disrespect and the things I had done to hurt him. I still have to do this when I repeat the same mistakes.

Fourth, I learned to BE A MORE AFFIRMING AND ENCOURAGING WIFE. Instead of telling him how he should lead spiritually, I affirmed his love for God and desire to follow him. Instead of second-guessing and challenging his decision-making, I expressed confidence in his leadership. Instead of wishing we had more money, I thanked him for working hard and trying his best to provide for our needs. Instead of focusing on what he was doing wrong, I tried to pay closer attention to instances when he made godly choices.

When I chose to be more positive, I realized what an amazing man I was and am married to. There were so many things that I didn’t see when I was focused on the negative aspects of his person (which were really minimal in light of all his great facets). When I was zoning in on his faults and criticizing them, I had tunnel vision for the bad that blackened out his wonderful traits.

Slowly but most certainly, Edric began to transform. It wasn’t overnight but God worked in his heart and made him a more selfless, patient, and Spirit-filled man. Today I see the old Edric less and less. If I had the beta version when we got married, God has upgraded him to version 10.0 x 10.0. God keeps on upgrading him!

For example, in the mornings I get my baby from her room and breastfeed her in ours. This is early in the morning. Sometimes, I get her at 5 or 5:30 am. Afterwards, she doesn’t go back to bed again. She is fully awake. In the past, Edric would have ordered me to bring her out so he can get more sleep. But he is the one who lovingly takes her and brings her downstairs to our househelp so I can rest. It’s a sweet gesture that demonstrates how different he has become. From expecting to be treated like a KING, he is willing to serve me and inconvenience himself for me.

A few weeks ago we were enjoying our date night when he asked me, “How can I improve and change as a husband?” I had to think long and hard and I replied, “Honestly, you have been great! I can’t really think of anything.”

Photos from that date night…

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Years ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to bullet point all the ways I wanted him to change. But by God’s grace he is a transformed person because of Christ’s continued work in his life. He is truly a godly leader, a loving and understanding husband, and a good provider. He is a man that I admire and respect with all my heart.

While I still struggle with respect and Edric still struggles with impatience from time to time, the secret to victory, romance and joy in our marriage is keeping Christ at the center of our relationship. When the motivation to keep improving wanes or when we are tempted to return to the selfish version of our Christ-less selves, Jesus becomes our superseding why, compelling us to press on in obedience and hopeful expectation.

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me
. (‭Galatians‬ ‭2‬:‭20‬ NASB)

Serving together at the CCF Couples Retreat in Baguio. I love this man!

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The Respectable Husband/Father

With permission from my husband, Edric, I am writing this entry.

“If I want my family to respect me, I need to be respectable.” His exact quote.

He said this in reference to an activity that he believed he needed to give up. It was a hobby that was neither wrong or sinful, however he felt like it wasn’t a profitable use of his time. Furthermore, he was concerned about being a good example to our kids, especially our sons.

Since two years ago, I intentionally kept silent about my own perspective on this hobby because I didn’t want to be a nag about it or force him to change. I tried that approach and it usually ended up in some sort of marital version of world war. So I prayed about it. Finally, I accepted it as one of those unchangeable aspects of his person that I would be positive about. In fact, I asked him every once in a while, “When are you going to hang out with the guys again?”

However, he had his own epiphany about it. He discerned that he needed to spend “every centavo and hour for the cause of Christ.” Furthermore, he communicated to me that there are more meaningful ways to use his time.

Praise God! Incidences like this one are proof that God is continually at work in the lives of those whom I love. When I surrender them and trust that God will do the changing and transforming, he certainly works in ways that amaze me.

My husband has loved this pastime for many years. It was a source of conflict between us in the early part of our marriage because I thought it was juvenile and a waste of valuable time. But my attempts to convince him were futile. His arguments were more valid than mine.

First, it wasn’t anything immoral. Second, guys need “healthy” outlets for their pent up testosterone and for their stress. Third, he enjoyed hanging out with his like-minded guy friends — GOOD family guys who shared the same values and perspectives on marriage and parenting. So I stopped talking.

When he came to his own conclusions about this hobby I knew that the activity had run its course and proven to lack the draw it once had on Edric. He had changed and matured spiritually and emotionally. The pastime was no longer congruent with the greater sense of purpose that gripped him. This didn’t mean he would never revisit it. But he did not justify it the same way he used to.

Edric’s change of heart convicted me. (This is what happens when a husband/father demonstrates spiritual leadership in the home. Even though I respected him before this, I respected him even more for being an example to emulate in the area of time management.)

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Over the past year, I have been indulging in my own form of unprofitable hobby-ing. Watching TV series. I don’t even like to watch television! But a friend of ours gave us a hardrive with TV series like Elementary, Nikita, Arrow, Men Who Built America, and so on. This began after I have birth.

Some of these shows were a convenient and entertaining way for me to pass the time while breastfeeding in the evenings. I would watch several episodes in one sitting. This pushed my early sleeping hour to near midnight and sometimes later.

With the disruption in my normal sleeping habits, I woke up tired. To recuperate, I needed a few more hours to rest. As a result, early morning runs were sacrificed, bible reading became less consistent, and my homeshooling began later than usual. It was like a snowball effect. I wanted to stop but I was hooked on the story threads.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 says, “Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.” (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭16-17‬ NASB)

These verses tell me I can’t engage in habits that make my body unsuitable, unhealthy, and unfit for God’s work and purposes. In the Old Testament, the temple was treated as holy and sacred because God’s presence dwelt in it. 1 Corinthians makes this analogy because we are to treat our bodies the same way.

It is a deception to think that I can participate in activities that seem neutral because they don’t have a DIRECT effect on my spiritual walk. Edric and I have discovered that this is a fallacy. All our choices set us on a course toward a destiny. All our choices have spiritual implications.

The Bible tells us, “So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.”(‭Psalms‬ ‭90‬:‭12‬ NASB)

What am I able to present to the Lord after hours and hours of watching these TV series? They did not make me wiser, not in the godly sense. If I were to be very honest, they made me tired, unhealthy, foggy headed, distracted, addicted to entertainment, more self-centered, more materialistic, less effective at teaching my kids, and a bad model of how to use my time.

So goodbye TV series watching!

I began this entry with Edric’s quote about “being respectable” because I hope it encourages husbands to be mindful of their choices, even when it comes to the area of hobbies and pastimes. The way a husband/father chooses to spend his discretionary time sets an example for his wife and children to follow. What he enjoys and takes pleasure in communicates to them what is valuable and important — what is deserving of the investment of his time, talent, and treasure. I praise God that Edric recognizes that having the respect of his family is more than a position. It is a privilege and a trust given by God to husbands/fathers.

With this privilege and trust comes a responsibility to distinguish between good things, better things, and the best things so that wives and children are encouraged to do the same. Pursuing the best things is God’s will. Jesus came to give people the “abundant life.” Anything less than this is settling for a substandard experience of joy, peace, fulfillment and fruitfulness. If a husband/father wants his family to have an appetite for what is best, he must consider this…

The best things will…

…make him a more effective witness for the gospel of Christ.
…make him more like Christ.
…qualify him to say to his wife and children, “Copy this in me.”

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Am I Your Priority, Honey?

I often equate respect for my husband, Edric, as minding my tone and attitude as a wife when I communicate with him, or trusting in his leadership when he makes decisions. But under the category of respect, there is also the aspect of making Edric my priority, of giving him importance.

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(I just had to insert this photo of Edric. I think he looks so handsome here!)

What do I mean? Sometimes Edric will assign me a task or responsibility and he expects me to get it done expediently. My problem is I get so busy with the kids and other commitments so that I either forget or delay acting upon his requests.

He will ask me, “Did you get such and such done?” and I will be like, “Ummm…oh yah, I forgot…okay I will do it.”

Other times, prioritising him is about dropping what I am doing in the present to give him attention. When I’m at the table with him, he prefers that I don’t exit the scene until he is done eating, too. He asks me to ignore all my gadgets and set them aside when we are together. When he comes home from work, he wants me to spend time with him and ask him about his day.

Edric isn’t unreasonable about his desire for respect. He doesn’t even say, “I want you to respect me by doing this and that…” But Gods’ word commands me to.

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33, NASB)

The original Greek word for respect in Ephesians 5:33 is the word “phobeo” which means to fear, reverence, venerate, treat with deference or reverential obedience. Hmm…I must admit that reading this definition did not sit well with me, at first. It’s not that I don’t respect Edric. But the idea of revering and venerating him troubled me. I thought the passage was asking for too much.

I struggled with all kinds of questions. What if a husband doesn’t deserve respect? (not Edric…but hypothetically speaking.) What if a husband doesn’t act in loving ways toward his wife? What if a husband is tyrannical and abusive? What if…

Well, here’s something comforting…

1 Peter 3:7 also says this: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

For husbands, the Greek word for respect used here is “time” which means to honour, value, consider precious, to defer to.

While this isn’t the point of the entry, God wants a husband to treat his wife with honour, too. God will hold Edric and every husband out there accountable for the commands he has given to them. But what is my part? God asks me to respect Edric, so that’s what I want to talk about. I can’t control what Edric does or doesn’t do. I also can’t use the excuse, “I will respect him when he has earned it.”

When King David was unashamedly dancing with joy before the ark of the Lord, his wife, Michal looked upon him with contempt. 2 Samuel 6:16 says, “As the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.”

When Michal got the chance to interact with her husband she remarked, “How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants’ maids, as one of the vulgar fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!” (2 Samuel 6:20) In response David answered, “It was before the LORD, who chose me above your father, and above all his house, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the LORD–and I will make merry before the LORD. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in your eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honour.

Interestingly, verse 23 emphasizes that Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.

God withheld the blessing of children from Michal for the way she despised her husband and acted disrespectfully toward him. She could have celebrated with David when she saw the ark. Instead she judged him in her heart and spewed out verbal venom. Maybe she thought he was a bad dancer. Maybe she didn’t like the way the women looked upon him because his body was exposed. David reminded her that God appointed him as leader. He also told her that he didn’t mind making a fool out of himself before the Lord. She had interpreted his actions as disdainful and vulgar but he was rejoicing before the Lord. Unlike herself, David said the maids around him will hold him in honour.

I think this passage is rich with application for me, as a wife. I’m reminded that God sees my heart’s attitude toward Edric. If I have seeds of negative thinking growing in it, my words and actions will manifest the ugly that is inside, just like Michal. Worst of all, I forfeit God’s favor and blessing in my life. So I have to take the command to respect Edric very seriously…even in the small things.

A few days ago, Edric and I ran into a conflict because he wanted a more substantial breakfast. Cereal and bread were the picks for the day. Normally, there would have been more filling options on the table. Edric was not expected to be home in the morning since he had a men’s group meeting. However, the traffic was so bad, he decided to do a u-turn and come back. I was still asleep so I didn’t even know he was downstairs.

When he came up asking if there was anything else to eat beside cereal and bread, I was like, “Okay, I’ll fix you something.” So he waited. But I also had to prepare myself for a meeting at 10 AM. Furthermore, I was bringing all the children with me, which meant a certain amount of production was involved in getting out the door. (When you have five kids, there’s no simple way to exit the house unless they run out naked.)

As I busied myself printing materials for my meeting and putting my things together, Edric started to become impatient. He was still kind about it but I sensed that his hunger was escalating. Edric + hungry = bad situation. I should’ve attended to him right away but at the same time, there was a real sense of urgency and importance to what I was preoccupied with.

An hour later, he finally went to the kitchen by himself, but his mood had changed. I plopped my bags on the table when I was all done and ready to go, and asked, “Do you want a bagel with cream cheese?”

“Is there really a bagel?” He responded. I detected agitation in his query.

“Why would I ask you if you wanted a bagel if there was no bagel?” I retorted, unnecessarily annoyed.

“Well, maybe because you opened the refrigerator and saw there was no bagel?” (This was a nonsensical discussion.)

“But THERE IS a bagel and THERE IS cream cheese.” I fixed it for him but I was irked. And then of course this triggered the question from him, “Why are you getting upset?”

I knew what was going on. The real issue was I hadn’t taken care of his needs right away. Sure enough, he eventually remarked, “You said you would get me something to eat, and then you didn’t.”

“But you weren’t even supposed to be home for breakfast anyway, and I had to get a lot of things done.” This was my attempt at trying to side-swipe him and make myself look like the better person.

“That’s not the point. You gave me an expectation. If you couldn’t do it, just tell me. I would’ve been understanding about it. Instead I had to wait.”

I got it. Basically, Edric felt de-prioritized. I agreed to get him more food but it was the last thing I ended up doing before I stepped out of the house. Looking back, I could’ve asked our househelp to whip him up a cheese omelet or grabbed the bagel earlier so his hunger pangs would have been alleviated.

During a conference I attended last Saturday, one of the speakers (who happened to be my mom), reminded the ladies in the audience that our first ministry is to our husbands and children. One of the statements she made was, “We need to prioritize our husbands…be home when they come home, do what they ask us to do right away.” She even gave the example of being in the middle of preparing for her speaking engagement when my dad asked her if he could meet with her to discuss his Sunday message. She dropped what she was doing to spend time with him even if she really HAD TO get ready. My dad was thrilled. It meant a lot to him to have her attention and assistance.

Each husband may have specific ideas about how he would like to be respect by his wife, but I’m sure every husband wants to be prioritized — to feel like he takes precedence over the kids, ministry, career, hobbies, etc. We can interpret this as selfishness (like I used to. bad bad.), or we can embrace God’s design and say, “Absolutely! It gives me great joy to do so!”

After years of marriage, I’ve only begun to understand why respect matters so much to my husband. When I prioritize his needs, obey his requests, trust his leadership, and give him attention, he feels deeply loved. He also feels empowered and inspired to be the Christ-like leader God has called him to be.

Recently, Edric asked me very sweetly, “Hon, I hope you won’t take this the wrong way but I would really like you to hug and kiss me at the door before I leave, no matter what you are doing.” The day before, I had unintentionally ignored him when he left to go to his ANC taping. I was in the middle of an interview with a magazine. I didn’t even realize he had gone. Apparently, he felt hurt.

I could’ve taken this two ways. The first would have been to think, Seriously? My life doesn’t revolve around you, okay?! The better response would have been to say, Sure! Because it matters to you, it matters to me. You are important.

Whew. I chose the latter…only by God’s grace!

The next day, when he headed towards the door to leave, I hugged him and kissed him in a very exaggerated way for dramatic effect. “Is this what you mean?” I asked, smothering him affectionately. He reciprocated and smiled from ear to ear. The kids saw me and came running over to him as well. We enveloped him with our hugs and kisses. He was in heaven! So was I! Whenever I respect and honor Edric, there is a sweet, God-given joy that follows the choice to do so.

How can we demonstrate respect to our husbands today?

It’s not easy to respect Edric 100% of the time (just as it isn’t easy for him to love and cherish me 100% of the time!). But perhaps these questions will help you as they have helped me to think through what respect means when it comes to prioritizing my husband:

Am I eager to serve my husband or do I think of him as an interruption or inconvenience?

Does he know that he is the most important person in my life or does he have to compete with other people and my other preoccupations?

When he asks me to do something, is my response to say, “Okay, I’ll get it done, honey.”, and do I do it with a cheerful attitude?

Do I want God’s favor and blessing in my life? Do I desire to love and obey Him?

John 15:10 – 12

10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.

 

 

 

 


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