Beware Of the Bladderwort Woman

Deceitfully beautiful yellow flowers, that’s a Bladderwort.

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(Photo source: www.fs.fed.us)

My sons and I have been reading about carnivorous plants. Edan and Titus love this part of their Botany. Venus Fly Traps, Sundews, Pitcher Plants and Bladderworts. We spent an extended time discussing Bladderworts because I made an analogy between carnivorous plants of this nature and women they should avoid in future. (When you are the teacher, you can insert all kinds of discussions that you deem important.)

These yellow flowers grow above water but devour creatures by sucking them into bladder-like cases in their roots. Like other carnivorous plants, Bladderworts don’t kill creatures to eat them. They take their nitrogen (which plants normally get from the soil). When animals get up close they are vacuumed in and digested. Most carnivorous plants also leave the exoskeleton of an animal behind.

Hmm…as I was reading this, I had a moment’s epiphany and thought about connecting this topic to a short lesson on the opposite sex. I explained to my sons that they need to avoid Bladderwort women.

This lead to an even livelier discussion which had my boys laughing aloud. But I was serious. I reminded them that in the future they need to look for women with genuine substance, who are beautiful inside and out — who love God above all. I warned them that there are women out there who will look very attractive but, like Bladderworts, these women will lead to their demise and ruin. In fact, this breed of woman can turn them into a skeletal version of the men God intends for them to be (in the spiritual sense).

“Beware the Bladderworts, boys! Someday, when you meet someone you think is pretty, I am going to ask you, ‘Is she a bladderwort?’ just to check.”

We had another round of guffaws! They liked that one. Bladderwort is such a cool name for a bad woman. It sounds so much like a wart.

My sons are young but I want them to have an internalized checklist of what to look for and avoid in a woman, way before their curiosity in girls is piqued. They are already aware of the affections that naturally develop between a man and a woman. This dynamic is evident everywhere, even in cartoons (sometimes unfortunately so.) They also observe Edric and I as we relate to one another as husband and wife. But romance hasn’t been awakened in them yet. Whew. They are too preoccupied with being boys which is wonderful because it is the best time to pass on principles on courtship (in manageable doses of course!).

Preventive is better than prescriptive. I don’t want to talk about these things when they have already given their hearts away.

So here we go…

“Carnivorous” women use men in the same way actual carnivorous plants do. They tend to be takers who knowingly or even unknowingly look to a man to fill a lack in themselves. If a woman NEEDS a man to live, to feel complete, to project a certain image of herself, or to feel happy, she becomes a life sucker. This is the opposite of what God designed women to be — lifegivers. (A term used by author John Eldredge for the Hebrew word “helpmate” in Genesis.)

In contrast to carnivorous plants, GOOD FLOWERS are life-giving to bees, butterflies, and other critters that are drawn to their nectar. But carnivorous plants ensnare hapless creatures with their sweet smell so they can trap them. They use their “attractiveness” for selfish reasons.

This sounds similar to women who put much emphasis on external appearances to feed their sense of security or worth. I can be guilty of this. Sometimes my motivations for dressing up are totally self-centered. I want to hear compliments about the way I look to butter up my ego. So I praise God for a year of feeling unattractive with braces, hormonal skin breakouts, and my post-pregnancy body!

Proverbs 31 says, “charm is deceitful and beauty is vain but a woman who fears the Lord she shall be praised.”

It’s not wrong to be fashionable and make the effort to stay fit and healthy. However, it goes back to motivation and purpose. Are we trying to attract people to ourselves or to Christ? How much time, effort and money do we spend on our looks?

Interestingly, carnivorous plants also grow in swampy areas and places without much soil. My encouragement to the men…do your research! Check the “surroundings” — who does this woman hang out with? Who are the ladies that belong to her inner circle of friends and confidants? Are they the type that nourish her spiritually and emotionally like good soil to a plant? What’s her background? Does it smell “swampy” or do others speak highly of her virtues?

20140927-194627-71187112.jpgMoms, as we educate our sons on character traits to look for and avoid in a woman, let’s model the right ones for them, too. We are very often the benchmark for our sons’ concept of a woman. But sometimes we can be Bladderworts to our husbands and children and suck the life right out of them! So the secret is to root our identity in Jesus Christ; be nourished by his love; and reflect the glory of his light.

I like how Edan put it, “Women should be Sunflowers.” You got it, kiddo! A-sunflower-kind-of-woman has her face turned toward the Son (Christ) and she radiates Him. That’s real beauty. (‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭5‬ NASB) May our sons have the wisdom to discern this!

When Things Turn Sour, BE SWEET!

Early this morning I had a doctor’s appointment for my scoliosis. Three of my kids were with me — Elijah, Edan and Titus. (My two girls have been sick).

I asked the driver to park while the kids and I headed up to the clinic. After thirty minutes my appointment was done which was great. I was in a rush to head home to my sick Catalina so I could feed her. Even though she usually has a good appetite, she hardly ate the day before due to her bronchitis. Breastfeeding was the best way to make sure she got enough in her to battle the sickness.

When I called my driver to pick us up, he didn’t answer his phone. So I sent him a text message. Still, I didn’t get a reply. I sent another one and NOTHING.

After 6 unanswered calls and failed messages, I was tempted to be annoyed. What was he doing?Sleeping?! (That was my first thought.) What were my options? Take a taxi with the boys? Wait outside anyway? Was the driver okay? Did something happen to the car?

The boys and I checked all levels of the basement parking trying to spot our car. We couldn’t find our driver or the vehicle.

How was I to deal with this unpleasant experience? I wanted to grumble and mumble and act entitled. But God convicted me to be thankful and use the opportunity to spend time with my boys.

So I told them, “When things don’t go our way, we need to be thankful. Perhaps God is protecting us from an accident. God is reminding us to be positive. I want to be upset because we shouldn’t have to wait like this. But let’s make the most out of our time. Let’s have fun!”

The boys were like, “Yeah!”

We found a Krispy Kreme cafe where I bought the boys shakes and we did some impromptu homeschooling. I happened to have Edan and Titus’ Botany book with me so we enjoyed a lively discussion about carnivorous plants.

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We spent an hour in Krispy Kreme before I gave our driver another call. This time he answered!

“Where are you? Did you fall asleep?” My tone had a hint of agitation in it which was perceptively detected by my very auditory son, Elijah. “Mom, don’t get angry,” he said melodically.

“Angry? I am not angry.” (Okay, I was annoyed. There’s a difference right?!) It’s amazing how Elijah can hear the slightest changes in pitch and notation. I wasn’t raising my voice but I am glad Elijah reminded me to keep it cool. My kids do a great job at keeping me accountable for my actions!

I heeded Elijah’s advice and gave our driver the opportunity to explain himself. Listen, listen, listen. It turned out his phone was acting up. My calls did not register even though I heard the ringing on my end and he received my text messages only as we were on our way home. I heard them come in and he said, “Ay ma’am, I just received your texts.”

Nevertheless our driver was so polite and apologetic for making us wait. Whew. I am glad I didn’t get angry. He is such a nice guy and he has a pre-millennium version of a cell phone (which I hope to upgrade soon with Edric’s permission!)

It’s so easy to judge people and criticize them when we don’t see the entire picture. If I had lost my temper with my driver and scolded him, I would have been a bad example to my kids and our driver. This incident taught me to make the most of a sour situation by having a SWEET ATTITUDE. (And maybe literally drinking something sweet!) That extra hour of fellowship with my sons was worth the inconvenience.

I also learned to suspend negative thoughts about others and seek to understand where they are coming from. As a result I was happy to hear Elijah tell me, “I learned to be patient and not to judge people.” Amen!

Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” (‭John‬ ‭7‬:‭24‬ NASB)

Just A Little MORE Respect

I am on a role with this respect series so I am going to go ahead and post what I just shared at a couples’ retreat in Baguio…

At the beginning of my marriage I struggled in the area of respect. (For those of you who have followed my blog, you have heard me say this a number of times.)

I thought I had married the man of my dreams. He was (still is) but in our marriage, certain realties presented themselves.

Edric had temper issues. I didn’t see this when we were dating. But my father-in-law jokingly told me once, “Edric can be a monster.” I laughed because I thought it was an exaggeration. This couldn’t possibly be true, I thought.

However, a few weeks after we got married I began to see what my father-in-law meant. Edric had a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to him. When he was in good spirits he was the most fun person to be with. He was energetic, intense, and passionate. But, when he was uncomfortable due to heat, hunger, fatigue, or stress, he was the binary opposite. If his expectations were not met he tended to be critical. Furthermore, as the only son in his family, he wasn’t used to being flexible with inefficiencies and changes in plans. He admitted that he was used to being treated like a PRINCE. Naturally, in marriage, he graduated to KING and wanted to be treated that way.

I began to entertain thoughts like, “Is this the man I married? Is this how marriage is going to be?”

One of the mistakes I made was I compared Edric to my dad. Even though I didn’t vocalize this, it was like I had a mental chart in my head with two names on it..Edric versus my father. And then I went down the list of “categories” and said things like, “Why can’t Edric be more even-keeled like dad? Why doesn’t he make choices like dad in this area? Why isn’t he a better provider?”

So I made it my mission to help Edric be a better husband and leader. I thought I was doing him a favor by correcting and pinpointing areas for improvement. But this didn’t work. It only lead to more conflict.

Edric would be driving down Edsa and if someone cut him off, he would try to chase the person down and antagonize him. This would deeply annoy me, so I would say things like, “Why do you have to get angry? You shouldn’t do that. That’s not a godly response.”

He would react with greater irritation at my attempts to teach him, and tell me to back off and leave him alone, that it wasn’t the time or place to correct him. According to him, he already knew he was wrong and he didn’t need me to say it.

This sort of scenario and many others repeated themselves over and over so that I developed a resentment toward Edric. I became an expert at rolling my eyeballs, deep sighing, snide remarking, contradicting and arguing, the silent treatment, even withholding sex at times, and a host of other tactics to communicate my disappointment in his leadership and choices.

I even kept journals where I enumerated my frustrations and hoped that he would read them. He didn’t. He had no idea what kinds of ugly feelings inspired me to fill pages and pages of my notebooks. After a while, I worried that if my children or others ever read my journals in the future they would think I had such an awful marriage which wasn’t true. But since I tended to write more when I was upset at Edric, my journals reflected this!

I praise God for couples’ retreats and seminars, the advice of wise women who have gone before me, and for God’s word where I learned and relearned about my role as a wife. I had failed to respect Edric because I thought of it as conditional. My perspective was, If he was deserving I would respect him. And what about me? What about being cherished and treated with respect?

God showed me that I was neck-deep in ugly pride and bitterness, and these hidden sins of my heart were making me a contentious and unpleasant wife. I mistakenly thought I was the better half in our relationship, the one who was more spiritually mature. But I wasn’t! My attitude was turning Edric’s heart away from me and it wasn’t inspiring him to grow spiritually either.

I realized that respect was one of Edric’s needs and desires, and I wasn’t meeting it. More importantly, I was disobeying God’s command to respect Edric as the head of our marriage and family. God convicted me to look at the many ways that I needed to change. How could I be a better helpmate? Edric’s strong supporter? A life-giver along side him? What did I have to stop doing and start doing?

I determined to do four things:

The first was I PRAYED for Edric and SURRENDERED him to the Lord. Instead of nagging Edric, I began to beseech God, presenting to him very specific requests about Edric, myself and our marriage. As I came before the Lord in dependence and brokenness, I experienced God’s peace, assurance, and security. The burden to change Edric was turned over to Jesus and I relaxed as a wife.

For the first time I began to understand what it meant to be a gentle and quiet spirit. It was resting in who God is amidst circumstances, amidst the urge to manipulate or control Edric, or fight for my rights as a wife. It was knowing that I was heard — my hurts, longings and desires — by the ONE who knew me best and loved me most.

Second, I FORGAVE Edric and chose to apply the principle of a CLEAN SLATE. If Jesus had died for me and forgiven me completely, who was I not to do the same for my husband?

The Bible tells us the God’s mercies are new every morning. Similarly, I needed to let go of the compounded hurt that kept stealing my joy. Instead of thinking, “he’s never going to change”, or “see he’s going to do the same thing again,” I said to myself each day is a new opportunity to love and forgive Edric.

Third, I asked Edric “HOW CAN I BE A BETTER WIFE? This is, of course, a dangerous question to ask! I discovered I had to improve a lot! I needed to speak in a more gentle way, I needed to do what he told me right away (as often as possible), I needed to prioritize his want for companionship, attention, service, and intimacy. So I humbled myself and asked for forgiveness for my disrespect and the things I had done to hurt him. I still have to do this when I repeat the same mistakes.

Fourth, I learned to BE A MORE AFFIRMING AND ENCOURAGING WIFE. Instead of telling him how he should lead spiritually, I affirmed his love for God and desire to follow him. Instead of second-guessing and challenging his decision-making, I expressed confidence in his leadership. Instead of wishing we had more money, I thanked him for working hard and trying his best to provide for our needs. Instead of focusing on what he was doing wrong, I tried to pay closer attention to instances when he made godly choices.

When I chose to be more positive, I realized what an amazing man I was and am married to. There were so many things that I didn’t see when I was focused on the negative aspects of his person (which were really minimal in light of all his great facets). When I was zoning in on his faults and criticizing them, I had tunnel vision for the bad that blackened out his wonderful traits.

Slowly but most certainly, Edric began to transform. It wasn’t overnight but God worked in his heart and made him a more selfless, patient, and Spirit-filled man. Today I see the old Edric less and less. If I had the beta version when we got married, God has upgraded him to version 10.0 x 10.0. God keeps on upgrading him!

For example, in the mornings I get my baby from her room and breastfeed her in ours. This is early in the morning. Sometimes, I get her at 5 or 5:30 am. Afterwards, she doesn’t go back to bed again. She is fully awake. In the past, Edric would have ordered me to bring her out so he can get more sleep. But he is the one who lovingly takes her and brings her downstairs to our househelp so I can rest. It’s a sweet gesture that demonstrates how different he has become. From expecting to be treated like a KING, he is willing to serve me and inconvenience himself for me.

A few weeks ago we were enjoying our date night when he asked me, “How can I improve and change as a husband?” I had to think long and hard and I replied, “Honestly, you have been great! I can’t really think of anything.”

Photos from that date night…

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Years ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to bullet point all the ways I wanted him to change. But by God’s grace he is a transformed person because of Christ’s continued work in his life. He is truly a godly leader, a loving and understanding husband, and a good provider. He is a man that I admire and respect with all my heart.

While I still struggle with respect and Edric still struggles with impatience from time to time, the secret to victory, romance and joy in our marriage is keeping Christ at the center of our relationship. When the motivation to keep improving wanes or when we are tempted to return to the selfish version of our Christ-less selves, Jesus becomes our superseding why, compelling us to press on in obedience and hopeful expectation.

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me
. (‭Galatians‬ ‭2‬:‭20‬ NASB)

Serving together at the CCF Couples Retreat in Baguio. I love this man!

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The Respectable Husband/Father

With permission from my husband, Edric, I am writing this entry.

“If I want my family to respect me, I need to be respectable.” His exact quote.

He said this in reference to an activity that he believed he needed to give up. It was a hobby that was neither wrong or sinful, however he felt like it wasn’t a profitable use of his time. Furthermore, he was concerned about being a good example to our kids, especially our sons.

Since two years ago, I intentionally kept silent about my own perspective on this hobby because I didn’t want to be a nag about it or force him to change. I tried that approach and it usually ended up in some sort of marital version of world war. So I prayed about it. Finally, I accepted it as one of those unchangeable aspects of his person that I would be positive about. In fact, I asked him every once in a while, “When are you going to hang out with the guys again?”

However, he had his own epiphany about it. He discerned that he needed to spend “every centavo and hour for the cause of Christ.” Furthermore, he communicated to me that there are more meaningful ways to use his time.

Praise God! Incidences like this one are proof that God is continually at work in the lives of those whom I love. When I surrender them and trust that God will do the changing and transforming, he certainly works in ways that amaze me.

My husband has loved this pastime for many years. It was a source of conflict between us in the early part of our marriage because I thought it was juvenile and a waste of valuable time. But my attempts to convince him were futile. His arguments were more valid than mine.

First, it wasn’t anything immoral. Second, guys need “healthy” outlets for their pent up testosterone and for their stress. Third, he enjoyed hanging out with his like-minded guy friends — GOOD family guys who shared the same values and perspectives on marriage and parenting. So I stopped talking.

When he came to his own conclusions about this hobby I knew that the activity had run its course and proven to lack the draw it once had on Edric. He had changed and matured spiritually and emotionally. The pastime was no longer congruent with the greater sense of purpose that gripped him. This didn’t mean he would never revisit it. But he did not justify it the same way he used to.

Edric’s change of heart convicted me. (This is what happens when a husband/father demonstrates spiritual leadership in the home. Even though I respected him before this, I respected him even more for being an example to emulate in the area of time management.)

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Over the past year, I have been indulging in my own form of unprofitable hobby-ing. Watching TV series. I don’t even like to watch television! But a friend of ours gave us a hardrive with TV series like Elementary, Nikita, Arrow, Men Who Built America, and so on. This began after I have birth.

Some of these shows were a convenient and entertaining way for me to pass the time while breastfeeding in the evenings. I would watch several episodes in one sitting. This pushed my early sleeping hour to near midnight and sometimes later.

With the disruption in my normal sleeping habits, I woke up tired. To recuperate, I needed a few more hours to rest. As a result, early morning runs were sacrificed, bible reading became less consistent, and my homeshooling began later than usual. It was like a snowball effect. I wanted to stop but I was hooked on the story threads.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 says, “Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.” (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭16-17‬ NASB)

These verses tell me I can’t engage in habits that make my body unsuitable, unhealthy, and unfit for God’s work and purposes. In the Old Testament, the temple was treated as holy and sacred because God’s presence dwelt in it. 1 Corinthians makes this analogy because we are to treat our bodies the same way.

It is a deception to think that I can participate in activities that seem neutral because they don’t have a DIRECT effect on my spiritual walk. Edric and I have discovered that this is a fallacy. All our choices set us on a course toward a destiny. All our choices have spiritual implications.

The Bible tells us, “So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.”(‭Psalms‬ ‭90‬:‭12‬ NASB)

What am I able to present to the Lord after hours and hours of watching these TV series? They did not make me wiser, not in the godly sense. If I were to be very honest, they made me tired, unhealthy, foggy headed, distracted, addicted to entertainment, more self-centered, more materialistic, less effective at teaching my kids, and a bad model of how to use my time.

So goodbye TV series watching!

I began this entry with Edric’s quote about “being respectable” because I hope it encourages husbands to be mindful of their choices, even when it comes to the area of hobbies and pastimes. The way a husband/father chooses to spend his discretionary time sets an example for his wife and children to follow. What he enjoys and takes pleasure in communicates to them what is valuable and important — what is deserving of the investment of his time, talent, and treasure. I praise God that Edric recognizes that having the respect of his family is more than a position. It is a privilege and a trust given by God to husbands/fathers.

With this privilege and trust comes a responsibility to distinguish between good things, better things, and the best things so that wives and children are encouraged to do the same. Pursuing the best things is God’s will. Jesus came to give people the “abundant life.” Anything less than this is settling for a substandard experience of joy, peace, fulfillment and fruitfulness. If a husband/father wants his family to have an appetite for what is best, he must consider this…

The best things will…

…make him a more effective witness for the gospel of Christ.
…make him more like Christ.
…qualify him to say to his wife and children, “Copy this in me.”

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Am I Your Priority, Honey?

I often equate respect for my husband, Edric, as minding my tone and attitude as a wife when I communicate with him, or trusting in his leadership when he makes decisions. But under the category of respect, there is also the aspect of making Edric my priority, of giving him importance.

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(I just had to insert this photo of Edric. I think he looks so handsome here!)

What do I mean? Sometimes Edric will assign me a task or responsibility and he expects me to get it done expediently. My problem is I get so busy with the kids and other commitments so that I either forget or delay acting upon his requests.

He will ask me, “Did you get such and such done?” and I will be like, “Ummm…oh yah, I forgot…okay I will do it.”

Other times, prioritising him is about dropping what I am doing in the present to give him attention. When I’m at the table with him, he prefers that I don’t exit the scene until he is done eating, too. He asks me to ignore all my gadgets and set them aside when we are together. When he comes home from work, he wants me to spend time with him and ask him about his day.

Edric isn’t unreasonable about his desire for respect. He doesn’t even say, “I want you to respect me by doing this and that…” But Gods’ word commands me to.

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33, NASB)

The original Greek word for respect in Ephesians 5:33 is the word “phobeo” which means to fear, reverence, venerate, treat with deference or reverential obedience. Hmm…I must admit that reading this definition did not sit well with me, at first. It’s not that I don’t respect Edric. But the idea of revering and venerating him troubled me. I thought the passage was asking for too much.

I struggled with all kinds of questions. What if a husband doesn’t deserve respect? (not Edric…but hypothetically speaking.) What if a husband doesn’t act in loving ways toward his wife? What if a husband is tyrannical and abusive? What if…

Well, here’s something comforting…

1 Peter 3:7 also says this: Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

For husbands, the Greek word for respect used here is “time” which means to honour, value, consider precious, to defer to.

While this isn’t the point of the entry, God wants a husband to treat his wife with honour, too. God will hold Edric and every husband out there accountable for the commands he has given to them. But what is my part? God asks me to respect Edric, so that’s what I want to talk about. I can’t control what Edric does or doesn’t do. I also can’t use the excuse, “I will respect him when he has earned it.”

When King David was unashamedly dancing with joy before the ark of the Lord, his wife, Michal looked upon him with contempt. 2 Samuel 6:16 says, “As the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.”

When Michal got the chance to interact with her husband she remarked, “How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants’ maids, as one of the vulgar fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!” (2 Samuel 6:20) In response David answered, “It was before the LORD, who chose me above your father, and above all his house, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the LORD–and I will make merry before the LORD. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in your eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honour.

Interestingly, verse 23 emphasizes that Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.

God withheld the blessing of children from Michal for the way she despised her husband and acted disrespectfully toward him. She could have celebrated with David when she saw the ark. Instead she judged him in her heart and spewed out verbal venom. Maybe she thought he was a bad dancer. Maybe she didn’t like the way the women looked upon him because his body was exposed. David reminded her that God appointed him as leader. He also told her that he didn’t mind making a fool out of himself before the Lord. She had interpreted his actions as disdainful and vulgar but he was rejoicing before the Lord. Unlike herself, David said the maids around him will hold him in honour.

I think this passage is rich with application for me, as a wife. I’m reminded that God sees my heart’s attitude toward Edric. If I have seeds of negative thinking growing in it, my words and actions will manifest the ugly that is inside, just like Michal. Worst of all, I forfeit God’s favor and blessing in my life. So I have to take the command to respect Edric very seriously…even in the small things.

A few days ago, Edric and I ran into a conflict because he wanted a more substantial breakfast. Cereal and bread were the picks for the day. Normally, there would have been more filling options on the table. Edric was not expected to be home in the morning since he had a men’s group meeting. However, the traffic was so bad, he decided to do a u-turn and come back. I was still asleep so I didn’t even know he was downstairs.

When he came up asking if there was anything else to eat beside cereal and bread, I was like, “Okay, I’ll fix you something.” So he waited. But I also had to prepare myself for a meeting at 10 AM. Furthermore, I was bringing all the children with me, which meant a certain amount of production was involved in getting out the door. (When you have five kids, there’s no simple way to exit the house unless they run out naked.)

As I busied myself printing materials for my meeting and putting my things together, Edric started to become impatient. He was still kind about it but I sensed that his hunger was escalating. Edric + hungry = bad situation. I should’ve attended to him right away but at the same time, there was a real sense of urgency and importance to what I was preoccupied with.

An hour later, he finally went to the kitchen by himself, but his mood had changed. I plopped my bags on the table when I was all done and ready to go, and asked, “Do you want a bagel with cream cheese?”

“Is there really a bagel?” He responded. I detected agitation in his query.

“Why would I ask you if you wanted a bagel if there was no bagel?” I retorted, unnecessarily annoyed.

“Well, maybe because you opened the refrigerator and saw there was no bagel?” (This was a nonsensical discussion.)

“But THERE IS a bagel and THERE IS cream cheese.” I fixed it for him but I was irked. And then of course this triggered the question from him, “Why are you getting upset?”

I knew what was going on. The real issue was I hadn’t taken care of his needs right away. Sure enough, he eventually remarked, “You said you would get me something to eat, and then you didn’t.”

“But you weren’t even supposed to be home for breakfast anyway, and I had to get a lot of things done.” This was my attempt at trying to side-swipe him and make myself look like the better person.

“That’s not the point. You gave me an expectation. If you couldn’t do it, just tell me. I would’ve been understanding about it. Instead I had to wait.”

I got it. Basically, Edric felt de-prioritized. I agreed to get him more food but it was the last thing I ended up doing before I stepped out of the house. Looking back, I could’ve asked our househelp to whip him up a cheese omelet or grabbed the bagel earlier so his hunger pangs would have been alleviated.

During a conference I attended last Saturday, one of the speakers (who happened to be my mom), reminded the ladies in the audience that our first ministry is to our husbands and children. One of the statements she made was, “We need to prioritize our husbands…be home when they come home, do what they ask us to do right away.” She even gave the example of being in the middle of preparing for her speaking engagement when my dad asked her if he could meet with her to discuss his Sunday message. She dropped what she was doing to spend time with him even if she really HAD TO get ready. My dad was thrilled. It meant a lot to him to have her attention and assistance.

Each husband may have specific ideas about how he would like to be respect by his wife, but I’m sure every husband wants to be prioritized — to feel like he takes precedence over the kids, ministry, career, hobbies, etc. We can interpret this as selfishness (like I used to. bad bad.), or we can embrace God’s design and say, “Absolutely! It gives me great joy to do so!”

After years of marriage, I’ve only begun to understand why respect matters so much to my husband. When I prioritize his needs, obey his requests, trust his leadership, and give him attention, he feels deeply loved. He also feels empowered and inspired to be the Christ-like leader God has called him to be.

Recently, Edric asked me very sweetly, “Hon, I hope you won’t take this the wrong way but I would really like you to hug and kiss me at the door before I leave, no matter what you are doing.” The day before, I had unintentionally ignored him when he left to go to his ANC taping. I was in the middle of an interview with a magazine. I didn’t even realize he had gone. Apparently, he felt hurt.

I could’ve taken this two ways. The first would have been to think, Seriously? My life doesn’t revolve around you, okay?! The better response would have been to say, Sure! Because it matters to you, it matters to me. You are important.

Whew. I chose the latter…only by God’s grace!

The next day, when he headed towards the door to leave, I hugged him and kissed him in a very exaggerated way for dramatic effect. “Is this what you mean?” I asked, smothering him affectionately. He reciprocated and smiled from ear to ear. The kids saw me and came running over to him as well. We enveloped him with our hugs and kisses. He was in heaven! So was I! Whenever I respect and honor Edric, there is a sweet, God-given joy that follows the choice to do so.

How can we demonstrate respect to our husbands today?

It’s not easy to respect Edric 100% of the time (just as it isn’t easy for him to love and cherish me 100% of the time!). But perhaps these questions will help you as they have helped me to think through what respect means when it comes to prioritizing my husband:

Am I eager to serve my husband or do I think of him as an interruption or inconvenience?

Does he know that he is the most important person in my life or does he have to compete with other people and my other preoccupations?

When he asks me to do something, is my response to say, “Okay, I’ll get it done, honey.”, and do I do it with a cheerful attitude?

Do I want God’s favor and blessing in my life? Do I desire to love and obey Him?

John 15:10 – 12

10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.

 

 

 

 


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NOT-Afraid-of-the-Dark-Trophies

I suppose it’s normal that all kids are afraid of the dark at some point. My kids struggle with this. They don’t like going upstairs alone. They prefer to have a buddy when they enter a dark room. I understand because I used to have the same fear. Sometimes I still do.

For the longest time I used to sleep with a bathroom light on. But Edric needed absolute darkness to get a goodnight’s rest. So we compromised with a led night light for a while. It was a pathetic source that casted more shadows around the room. Over the years I ditched the night light and got used to sleeping in the black.

Tonight we had a bible study with the kids on 1 John 4:4. “Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.”

The kids took turns memorizing the passage and reciting it. Edric explained to them that when they are afraid all they have to do is remember that Jesus, who is in their life, is greater than the evil one. I thought this wasn’t going to work because I know how fearful they can be. Not too long ago, Edan broke down and cried when he had to get my IPad from the bedroom all by himself. Tiana won’t go into a bathroom without company if the lights aren’t turned on.

Amazingly, there is power in God’s word. I was reminded of how living and active it is. As an application, Edric asked each of our four older kids to get an item upstairs. Edan and Titus were each asked to get a random toy from their bedroom. They went upstairs separately from one another and came back down with a toy. Elijah was tasked to get an item from their bathroom. He returned with a roll of toilet paper. As for Tiana, she resisted at first. But she too reappeared with a pillow in her arms.

I was so proud if them. I know it was difficult for them to obey Edric, but they did. As a result, they were emboldened by one another’s courage. More importantly, they recognized that Jesus is with them no matter where they go.

That’s exactly what Edan said. “I wasn’t afraid because I knew Jesus was with me.”

I hope this verse continues to give them confidence as they face their fears. Interestingly, it’s the same bible passage I memorized as a child that helped me to be brave in the dark.

Many of the bible passages I hold most dear I learned in the context of our family bible studies when I was a little girl. My dad had devotion night for my siblings and I once a week. We would go through a verse or verses and discuss their meanings, adding our insights and application commitments. As a result, I grew up with a storehouse of truth to bank on. When I encountered bigger problems and had to navigate toward the right decisions, I had references archived in my brain for promises, commands, warnings, blessings, etc.

I dealt with doubts, fearfulness, worry, pain, anger, and the like with truth from the scriptures. I want our kids to be able to do the same. Like all children, they are susceptible to spiritual attack. They need to fortify their minds with God’s word so they can withstand the attempts of the evil one to corrupt, destroy, and pollute their minds and hearts with his poisonous lies. Something as simple as being afraid of the dark is a deception that our children can counter with bible truth so they don’t live in bondage to their fears.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (‭Ephesians‬ ‭6‬:‭12-17‬ NASB)

THE KIDS AND THEIR NOT-AFRAID-OF-THE-DARK-TROPHIES…

A slingshot:

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A domino:

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A roll of toilet paper:

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A pillow:

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The Ugliest Thing

We are living in an almost finished house. It’s not quite done which means we still have workers around from 8 to 5pm, Monday to Saturday, doing a number of jobs. Yesterday, they supposedly finished a customized chimney for our range hood.

This range hood’s original chimney was problematic because the exhaust hole was to the right of it. So the hole was exposed when it should have been covered by the stainless steel casing that came with the range hood. However, there was an oversight in the design of the hood’s location. As a result, we had an ugly exhaust tube spilling out of the chimney.

The solution was to make a new stainless steel chimney to hide this miscalculation. To begin with, this error of the exposed tubing was an eye sore in our kitchen. But yesterday’s solution took the crown for hideousness.

I watched the workers assemble what looked like an over-specked metal case on top of our range hood. At the onset I was a little hopeful. But all hope dimmed as I saw them piece together the most unsightly-looking range good chimney I have ever seen in my life. As they peeled off the protective tape that was supposed to keep the stainless steel scratch-free, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

The steel was banged up and uneven. It had a door on it that was an inch thick which didn’t close completely. Formed into the shape of a rectangular box jutting out of our white wall, it looked like a metal coffin. Upon opening it, which was difficult in itself, there was room enough to hide two little children’s bodies if they were bold enough to use it for hide and seek. The comedy if it all was the workers demonstrated to me the structural integrity of the casing by pulling on it with their weight. I suppose this was meant to impress me. But I couldn’t get over how ugly the finished product was. It dawned upon me that this was their first time to ever make something like this and they had no idea what they were doing.

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My sentiments were difficult to contain. I left the kitchen out of holy fear. If I had stayed and taken in the complete unveiling of this monstrosity, I felt the rising temptation to mouth out expletives of the most unholy nature. At the same time, I felt like the workers had simply been misguided. It wasn’t completely their fault.

Calm down. Calm down. Breathe.

I ran up the stairs to our bedroom balcony to be alone. I tried calling people who were responsible for this mess up and no one was picking up their phones. Neither contractor or architectural party could be contacted. This only increased my feelings of aggravation. I wanted to yell but what would that accomplish? Our balcony’s location was perfect for carrying sound waves down to our neighbor’s houses. So I cried by myself and I prayed for calm and perspective.

There are a few things that have troubled me deeply about our house construction. For the most part, our home has turned out to be better than we imagined. But sometimes, in the little details, I notice bad design decisions. Whether it be thoughtless execution, unnecessary mistakes (like all our sliding glass doors getting scratched up when they were cleaned by the workers), or lack of experience, the results are costly on many levels. First, there is the obvious monetary cost. Second, there is the loss of trust and confidence in the capabilities of those in charge. Third, there is wasted time. Feelings of frustration are only heightened when those who are in the position to fix the problem aren’t available, or they don’t know what they are doing either.

Therefore, homebuilding has been an exercise in self-control over anger. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out as I vacillate between restraint and the desire to spew out verbal venom. It’s so difficult to remain level headed when I am looking at something that has fallen utterly short of my expectations.

However, when I step away and yank myself out of the moment, I am able to see what is really going on. What is an ugly range hood chimney in light of eternity? Nothing. Absolutely nothing worth crying over or getting angry about!

Over dinner tonight my siblings and I talked about a young man who just lost his life to cancer. So many people all over the world have greater issues than banged up stainless steel. But sometimes, building a house can feel so important and essential to happiness that I forget about what really counts.

There are people out there who need to know how much God loves them, who are searching for answers to questions that really matter. There is real ugliness in this world that needs to be healed by Jesus Christ. Am I crying over these things? Am I channeling my energies and resources towards the building of God ‘s kingdom?

But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?’ So is the man who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.” (‭Luke‬ ‭12‬:‭20-21‬ NASB)

A Greater Purpose For Learning

I have often told my kids that language skills are important. Reading, writing, composition, and comprehension are all necessary and worth the hours of arduous study and practice required to hone them. They aren’t always eager about my pep talks. But they are beginning to experience why these are valuable beyond the discipline of learning academics.

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As often as possible, we ask our kids to speak with us when we teach at retreats or events. This gives them a venue to apply what they learn. Elijah speaks more frequently with Edric. Edan is getting his own version of speaker’s training as well. The point is to let our kids see how they can be a blessing when they develop a skill or ability that would otherwise seem insignificant to their childhood ambitions and preoccupations.

What kid likes to learn things like grammar and other tools for good communication? My children don’t naturally gravitate towards these disciplines. In fact they would prefer NOT to do their language arts subject. But nowadays they have good reason to.

A person who can read, write and speak well can be used by God to communicate his truth and bless people.

Most young children think of learning as their inescapable day to day reality. They can’t wait for semester and summer breaks. I know this because there was a season of my childhood when I was in a conventional school. I studied but I wasn’t inspired to do so. It was my duty, a responsibility that felt very much like a chore.

On the one hand, kids need to accept that they have to study well whether they like it or not. I had this conversation with Elijah this morning when he told me he wasn’t motivated to do his homeschool work. How wonderfully humbling that this surfaced right after I wrote an article on using creative ways to motivate a child to learn! He is an older child so I tread more carefully with him, trying to respect that he will soon be a young man. I don’t want to be an overbearing mother. But I did tell him that sometimes we decide with our head first and the feelings follow. We may not always feel like doing our responsibilities but we have to. So we make the choice to and God will bless the effort. By the end of the morning his mood changed. (Thank you, Lord.)

Going back to our children’s involvement in public speaking…

This is one way to get our kids to apply what they learn in a very practical manner. But the more valuable reason is we want them to see the bigger picture. Their education is profitable for the fulfillment of God’s plan. If they give their best now to train their minds, they can use their talents and abilities to make a difference for God’s glory.

The Bible tells us, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” (‭Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭10‬ NASB)

God invites even children to participate in the building if His Kingdom. At a young age, they can serve him and others. They can look beyond subject studies to seek a higher purpose for learning.

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“Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.” (‭1 Timothy‬ ‭4‬:‭12‬ NASB)

Project Playground: Mission Accomplished

My back was killing me last night after Edric, the kids, and I finished building a playground in our backyard. One of our shared “fantasies” as parents was to give our kids a yard where they can play. And we imagined that they would have a treehouse or some semblance of a playground in it. So last Christmas, Edric and I “invested” in a wooden playground set from HMR. It was a great deal and it came with fun features we knew the kids would enjoy.

Since we moved in to our home with a grass-less yard a few months ago, we waited until the ground was leveled off to start the playground project with the boys.

I did not know my husband was such a handyman, but it was a nice discovery. In fact I think he was challenged by my ignorance of his manly building skills. This fueled his desire to put together the playground with himself as chief builder, Elijah as engineer, Edan as sorter and assistant builder, and Titus as runner. I supplied the cookies.

The first stage was the most difficult. Edric and the boys adjusted to all the manual labor. And getting the foundation right was tricky. I heard them grunting, huffing and puffing. But they got it done. That was day 1.

Edric admitted that despite his inclination to prove his manliness to me, he experienced a moment of weakness at the beginning. He was tempted to delegate the project to the workers who are still at our house. But he realized that caving in would have negated his attempts to teach our sons character traits like perseverance and the blessings of hard work.

There was no way to finish the playground in a day so Edric returned to the project a few days after and spent about 12 total hours upon completion.

I finally joined in on all the fun for the last stretch and I realized how hard it was. Those nuts, washers, bolts, and weld nuts were a pain to sort and use. So many different sizes and applications. They made me crazy. Plus there was the lifting of heavy wood pieces and the unfortunate occurrence of losing the instructions. Somehow it all came together.

We finished at nearly 8 pm, using flashlights to see what we were doing. The kids got to revel in their feelings of accomplishment and test out the accessories of the playground.

I like how Edric put it. “There’s something deeply satisfying about seeing the outcome of physical toil.”

Seeing the playground take form was worth the backache I got. This wasn’t just about building a playground. It was about building a family memory that we can all treasure, and building character in our kids. Some life lessons and experiences are truly worth the investment of physical effort, time and money!

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Motivating Children To Learn

Wouldn’t it be great if we could have positively splendid learning days every single day…where our children have voracious appetites for reading, rise to the challenge of difficult assignments, and approach life with an insatiable curiosity to discover, know, and develop new skills? Wow. Wouldn’t homeschooling be a dream?! Okay, okay, every single day may be asking for too much. But I think it’s fair to expect that the good days can outweigh the tough ones.

Every homeschooling parent will encounter days when his or her child is not thrilled about studying. It’s completely normal. If this sort of de-motivated behavior starts trending, then a parent may have to take drastic measures to fix the problem. But the occasional attitude hump and bump along the way is to be expected.

Here are some helpful questions to ask…How do we kick-start our children’s internal sparkplugs? What is within our control to change, alter and improve? Could it be aspects like our perspective on our kids, the methodology we use, the materials we have chosen, or the environment we have staged for learning to happen? Is it something outside of our control? Like our children’s physical conditions, their attitudes, or heart issues that are spiritual in nature?

Answering the above questions will allow us to isolate factors that contribute to our children’s frustration or de-motivated approach to learning. For example, author George Harris, said, “When a child is given the right degree of difficulty in his studies so that he enjoys the challenge and experiences a feeling of accomplishment, he will improve in those subjects and carry those positive feelings into other areas of his life. A bored and frustrated child, on the other hand, will feel like a failure; that feeling too, will be carried into other areas of life, causing him to be afraid to try new things or learn new subjects.”

Dr. Raymond Moore says that a home teacher is confronted with the onus to make classwork and all learning for a child both challenging and exciting so they will want to return to it again and again. Is this possible? Shouldn’t our children simply swallow the bitter pill…that learning is hard work and they must accept this as their reality and get over their negative attitudes about it?

I’ve tried that approach. “Just do your work because you have to.” On the one hand, there are moments when this is applicable. But it’s very tiring to force a child to learn when he isn’t interested in doing so. Can you imagine multiplying this sort of scenario 5 days a week x 10 months in a year x 13 years of homeschooling (if I homeschool from K to 12)?! I would give up in the first year for sure!

With a little creativity, I believe every child can be ENCOURAGED to learn and homeschooling can be a positive experience for both parent and child.

After experimenting with several approaches on my kids (they tend to be the guinea pigs for all my homeschool experimenting, especially when it comes to curriculums and methods), I came up with a simple system that has been working so far. I’m saying “so far” because seasons come and seasons go. Sometimes, what works for one year won’t do for the next. What works for one child will have zero effect on another. But I praise God that SO FAR, this system is producing desirable outcomes.

For the longest time, I have placed post-it tabs in my children’s books. These tabs mark the “stop” points for each day of work. For example, if I want Elijah to cover 5 pages of his math book, I will stick a post-it tab on the fifth page. When he sees the tab, he knows what he has to cover. I also put several tabs in each of their books so they can go past the tab and proceed to the next one if they are feeling particularly inspired and energetic about their work that day.

Using tabs as markers lets my kids know their daily goals. But this school year, I added another component to this tab system:

  1. The kids complete their assigned task(s) for a certain subject area by working until they reach a tab. (The number of pages is pre-determined by me or agreed upon with my kids.)
  2. After doing so, they pull off the tab and bring it to me.
  3. I will check their accomplished work and sign the tab, indicating the date and subject area as well.
  4. They will take the signed tab and stick it beside their name on a wall chart.
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  6. This process repeats itself with every subject.
  7. By Friday, the kids count the number of tabs they have collected during the week and they can do one of the following: get 5 pesos for every tab or accumulate at least 20 tabs so they can draw from the MYSTERY JAR. (they may combine their tabs with their siblings’ so their points are higher).
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  9. The MYSTERY JAR is filled with fun rewards that they get to pick from. (1 mystery jar draw = 20 tabs.)

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Last week we didn’t get to do more than 3 days of homeschooling, so the kids pooled together their tabs and drew from the jar. They pulled out a prize that read, “Date with Mom.”

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When Friday came along, I took all the kids to High Street for lunch and we also went to the bookstore. That was our “date.” My mother-in-law joined us, which doubled the fun.

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This week, the kids collected 60+ tabs which entitled them to 3 draws, 1 of which allowed them to have an extra draw. Here’s what they drew from the mystery jar:

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Somehow this tab thing is encouraging my children to go beyond their daily requirements. They use the tabs as a means to compete with one another (in a healthy way), and they look forward to redeeming mystery prizes for their hard work.

I hear them yell out, “I want to get more tabs!” and I see them dig into their books with eagerness. It’s a lovely sight to behold for this mother of five! I’m grateful that my kids are generally easy to teach, but witnessing their added spunk and gusto energizes me, too!

Simple ideas like this one can help to motivate your child, especially when they are younger. Ideally, however, you want to get them to the point where they really enjoy learning, no matter how hard it becomes. I’m beginning to see this happen in my eldest son, Elijah. While the tab system inspires him to get his tasks done, he likes to learn with or without this system in place. As an older child, he feels fulfilled when he grows in knowledge and wisdom, and he enjoys the challenge of learning.

Eventually, I’m hoping that his younger brothers and sisters will be the same way. Edan is showing signs of progress in this area. Nevertheless, I will keep up this tab system, until I have to come up with something else. After all, my kids aren’t the only ones who need motivating. I do, too! And getting to teach motivated children motivates me!

When Things Turn Sour, BE SWEET

Early this morning I had a doctor’s appointment for my scoliosis. Three of my kids were with me — Elijah, Edan and Titus. (My two girls have been sick).

I asked the driver to park while the kids and I headed up to the clinic. After thirty minutes my appointment was done which was great. I was in a rush to head home to my sick Catalina so I could feed her. Even though she usually has a good appetite, she hardly ate the day before due to her bronchitis. Breastfeeding was the best way to make sure she got enough in her to battle the sickness.

When I called my driver to pick us up, he didn’t answer his phone. So I sent him a text message. Still, I didn’t get a reply. I sent another one and NOTHING.

After 6 unanswered calls and failed messages, I was tempted to be annoyed. <em>What was he doing?Sleeping?! (That was my first thought.) What were my options? Take a taxi with the boys? Wait outside anyway? Was the driver okay? Did something happen to the car? </em>

The boys and I checked all levels of the basement parking trying to spot our car. We couldn’t find our driver or the vehicle.

How was I to deal with this unpleasant experience? I wanted to grumble and mumble and act entitled. But God convicted me to be thankful and use the opportunity to spend time with my boys.

So I told them, “When things don’t go our way, we need to be thankful. Perhaps God is protecting us from an accident. God is reminding us to be positive. I want to be upset because we shouldn’t have to wait like this. But let’s make the most out of our time. Let’s have fun!”

The boys were like, “Yeah!”

We found a Krispy Kreme cafe where I bought the boys shakes and we did some impromptu homeschooling. I happened to have Edan and Titus’ Botany book with me so we enjoyed a lively discussion about carnivorous plants.
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We spent an hour in Krispy Kreme before I gave our driver another call. This time he answered!

“Where are you? Did you fall asleep?” My tone had a hint of agitation in it which was perceptively detected by my very auditory son, Elijah. “Mom, don’t get angry,” he said melodically.

“Angry? I am not angry.” (Okay, I was annoyed. There’s a difference right?!) It’s amazing how Elijah can hear the slightest changes in pitch and notation. I wasn’t raising my voice but I am glad Elijah reminded me to keep it cool. My kids do a great job at keeping me accountable for my actions!

I heeded Elijah’s advice and gave our driver the opportunity to explain himself. Listen, listen, listen. It turned out his phone was acting up. My calls did not register even though I heard the ringing on my end and he received my text messages only as we were on our way home. I heard them come in and he said, “Ay ma’am, I just received your texts.”

Nevertheless our driver was so polite and apologetic for making us wait. Whew. I am glad I didn’t get angry. He is such a nice guy and he has a pre-millennium version of a cell phone (which I hope to upgrade soon with Edric’s permission!)

It’s so easy to judge people and criticize them when we don’t see the entire picture. If I had lost my temper with my driver and scolded him, I would have been a bad example to my kids and our driver. This incident taught me to make the most of a sour situation by having a SWEET ATTITUDE. (And maybe literally drinking something sweet!) That extra hour of fellowship with my sons was worth the inconvenience.

I also learned to suspend negative thoughts about others and seek to understand where they are coming from. As a result I was happy to hear Elijah tell me, “I learned to be patient and not to judge people.” Amen!

Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” (‭John‬ ‭7‬:‭24‬ NASB)

Not In Front of the Kids

For the most part Edric and I avoid “SHAMING” one another in front of our children. We don’t make each other look bad so that our kids are forced to pick a side when an argument or conflict ensues between the two of us. In fact, we avoid contradicting each other when our kids are around. I said, “for the most part.” There are occasions when we don’t follow this rule because we forget to be more prudent. Unfortunately, our kids end up being spectators to our back and forth dialoguing about who’s perspective is right.

Some weeks ago, the kids joined the Biz Kidz event of TMA Homeschool. Edric encouraged the kids to participate, so the boys and I conceptualized a business idea for their origami hobby. Prior to the Saturday event, the boys and I slaved away. We put together the book they authored and illustrated, had it printed, and worked on the origami products they were planning to sell.

When Saturday came around, we were exhausted. I was frazzled as I finished topping their cupcakes with their origami designs. About two hours before we had to pack up the van, Edric started interrogating me with questions like, “Did you calculate your profit?” “What was the kids’ business proposal?” “Are you guys going to make ANY money?” He went on to criticise my planning skills.

While he thought he was being helpful, his timing couldn’t have been worse. We were about to load the van. I was dead tired from lack of sleep the night before. The kids were excited about the effort they had put into their projects and products. But at that moment, they looked on with discouragement as Edric made his inquisitions and negative comments.

I felt hurt. I couldn’t believe he was cutting me down in front of the kids! Plus, if it mattered to him so much that the kids do a good job on this, then why was he coming in at this point, when we couldn’t do anything about his suggestions? I was discouraged and irritated. His very valuable business perspective could have helped us a lot…two weeks before! These were some of the thoughts raging through my head as I distracted myself with packing our products.

Edric got the inkling that I wasn’t too thrilled about the things he said. I praise God that he has a sensitive gene built in to him that knows when I’m hurt. So he came up to me. I quietly expressed to him how I was feeling…that he had shamed me in front of the kids and that he was discouraging all of us. I praise God that he was humble enough to respond with a public apology. Immediately, he turned 180 degrees around to say sorry to our children.

He repaired his mistake by saying something like this, “Kids will you forgive daddy for saying those things to mommy? I am so proud of you guys and mommy for working so hard!”

That changed the tone of the morning and we went off to Biz Kidz together. He also promised to assist us with the set-up of our booth during the event.

Although, the kids didn’t make a ton of money, they bagged the MOST PROMISING BUSINESS IDEA award. Edric and I were very proud of them.

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I wanted to write this article because I’ve counseled people in the past who feel like they are caught IN-BETWEEN the conflict of their parents. It is very difficult for children to feel pitted against one parent by the other, or forced to take a side. I’ve also witnessed spouses cut-down, embarrass, and criticize their husband or wife with their children present. This sort of family culture breeds contempt, hurt, and stress. It also increases the likelihood that sons and daughters will grow up to do the same to one another, and to their future spouses (and children).

I’m reminded that we need to create a climate of respect for one another in our homes, where we treat our spouses with dignity and honour, and do the same to our children. We may not always favour our spouses’ methods, perspectives, and personality quirks, but we can address these sort of differences privately. And if it isn’t an emergency to get our point across, we can sort out the issues during a more appropriate time.

Yesterday, I came across a poster on Pinterest which read: THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. It proposed very thoughtful questions about the things we say and how we say it.

Is it true?

Is it helpful?

Is it inspiring?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

1 Peter 5:5 “…All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”