Helping A Child Overcome Shyness 

My fourth child, Tiana, might be labeled as shy by people who first encounter her, especially when she clings on to me during social gatherings. She is very sweet and such a darling but she isn’t always confident around people she doesn’t know. I have come to understand that the root of her behavior goes beyond the shyness. She has a fear of people, something I used to struggle with as a child.

My fear of people crippled me at times. I worried about acceptance. I got intimidated by people who were smarter, more popular, more beautiful. I was scared to try new things because I didn’t want to be ridiculed. I preferred the comfort of certain friends rather than mingling with unfamiliar people. I was concerned about the impression I made on people. The real issue was self-consciousness and self-centeredness.  

It wasn’t until much later on in my life that I learned the principle of choosing to be a blessing, to look past myself and see the needs of people around me. My mom taught me this. She said, “Whenever you are with people, seek to be a blessing.” This advice changed me.  

I stil have to make a conscious effort to put on this mindset because it goes against my predisposition. But it has made a big difference when I go to a social gathering, an event, or meet with people to spend time with them or get to know them for the first time. It’s not about what can they do for me or how they will respond to me, but how I can minister to them?

Furthermore, when I am overwhelmed by the social situation, I pray! I ask God to help me be a blessing. And He does! He gives me a heart for the people I am with so that the focus is not on myself or my insecurities. Instead, I am challenged to think of how I can reach out, and make others feel special and important. 

The Bible says, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.” Philippians‬ ‭2:3-4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Like my mom helped me, I am helping Tiana move past her “self-consciousness.” For example, the other day she was crying when I told her she had ballet class. This may not be a big deal to most little girls who love to wear tutus and dance, but for Tiana it was like a nightmare! She was afraid to be with people she didn’t know. However, I gently informed her she had to obey. Plus, we were going to get through this as a team. She nodded her head with tears in her eyes. 

I reminded her that she just learned a bible verse during our family devotion that went like this, “Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything.” (Philippians 4:6) So I asked her to pray when I saw that she was about to cry again. And she did. We prayed together. 

When we got to her class, we arrived early. Young girls her age started to trickle in to the dance room. Tiana did not pay attention to them. She sat at the end of the room drawing on a piece of paper. So I assisted her. I asked one of the girls what her name was and introduced her to Tiana. And then I asked them to play together before class started. Initially, Tiana didn’t want to, but I insisted. So she asked if her two year old sister, Catalina, could accompany her. 

 Catalina tends to be more outgoing, so she gladly obliged. She was the one shouting out, “Come, Tiana!” Tiana, her new friend, and Catalina ran back and forth across the room. It was a senseless game but at least it got Tiana’s mind off her self. 

  Tiana started to warm up to her new friend. But when class was about to start and other girls were around Tiana, she began to tear again but I gave her an encouraging look that said, “You can do it!”
  

 She got through the entire class splendidly! Every once in a while she looked over at me and I met each glance with a smile, silently mouthing the words, “Good job!” 

When she was done, she ran over to me and exclaimed, “I had sooo much fun, mom! And I made new friends! They are so nice.” Afterwards, I asked her how she was able to get over her fear and she replied, “Have no fear, Jesus is here!” It was the cutest thing to hear her say that rhyme. 

Will Tiana be able to go to her next ballet class alone? That may be a stretch, but now she knows that there is nothing to be afraid of. 

 As a mom, it is my responsibility to help Tiana work through her fears by teaching her to turn these over to the Lord. The next level will be teaching her to initiate friendliness rather than waiting for others to seek her out or include her. She will get there, by God’s grace! 

Be An Honorable Parent

As a mom, one of the principles of parenting that has stood out to me the most is modeling – how my children copy my example whether I want them to or not.

I’m not proud to say this, but a few years ago, I made the mistake of losing my temper in a very bad way in front of four of my five kids. They lost pieces to an educational material that I needed to teach them mathematics. In my frustration, I dramatically threw the box on to the floor, letting all the parts fall out with a loud crash, and I raised my voice, scolding my kids about how they needed to be better stewards and more responsible.

After the drama, I looked at my children and they were all tearing…from the oldest to the youngest. This was the first time they had seen me get angry in this way and it scared them. It scared me too when I realized how easily I can snap and wound the hearts of my kids.

I asked for their forgiveness and had to talk with each one of them because they were deeply affected. It was a very humbling moment. I couldn’t take back what I had done so I just hoped they wouldn’t remember it as time passed.


Recently, as I was encouraging my kids to be kind to one another and speak respectfully to each other, I asked one of my sons this question, “Do you see mom getting angry or shouting at you guys?” I hoped he would say, “No, you don’t mom, we should be like you.” Instead, his very honest answer was, “No, you don’t lose your temper but,” he continued with emphasis, “there was THAT ONE TIME…” (referring to when I threw the box on the floor!)

Even just one ugly display of anger leaves an imprint on my children. My children can very easily become casualties of my bad example if I make losing my temper a habit.

IMG_9230While my dad was preparing for his Sunday message, he went over his points with me and emphasized the need for parents to be honorable. We commonly understand honor as something children are commanded to do for their parents, and he has preached on this topic many times. But during our conversation he added, “Parents shouldn’t make it difficult for their children to honor them. In fact, they should make it easy.” 

As I gave this perspective more thought, I recalled my own experience as a child. Even if my parents weren’t perfect, I wanted to obey them and honor them. I didn’t struggle with feelings of bitterness or resentment towards their authority. Were their times when I didn’t always agree? Certainly. But at the end of the day, I wanted to obey them. It wasn’t because my parents epitomized perfection, but they modeled consistency in one area that I want to highlight.

I saw the fruit of the Spirit in their lives – the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Even if their ministry was very public, they were the same Spirit-filled people outside of the home as they were in private, with my siblings and me. They weren’t hypocritical, instructing people to do one thing and then giving themselves license to be selfish, temperamental, moody, or demanding at home. In fact, of all people in their lives, they were most gracious and considerate towards us, their children.
Up till this day, I am very grateful that my parents modeled being Spirit-filled to me, and they continue to do so. I would like to share with you two recent experiences with my parents where they encouraged me once again with their examples. 

 I will start with my mom. Some months ago, my mom and I tried to get into the CCF building using the same entrance we always do. We were headed up to the 8th floor for a leader’s meeting, when a very strict guard who was on duty that day stopped us. Apparently, there was a new policy about using IDs and this guard was a new employee who was very eager to enforce the rules. My mom didn’t know about the change in protocols. She always went up and down using the same entrance because it’s the easiest way to get to my dad’s office or to the floors where she has meetings with the other pastor’s wives.

With an interrogative tone, he questioned where she was going. My mom tried to explain that we had an elder’s wives’ meeting. When he wasn’t convinced, she politely tried to say that she was Pastor Peter’s wife. Still skeptical, he asked, “Can I see your ID?” She pulled out her wallet, looked for her driver’s license and showed it to him. I don’t know if he was looking for proof of marriage but his skeptical expression seemed to imply this. He looked over her license and back at her, and pulled out a radio. “Nandito ang asawa ni Pastor Peter?” It was phrased in a question form, so neither my mom nor I were too sure what he was trying to confirm.

In the meantime, I looked over at my mom who was a picture of calm and cooperation. Since the guard seemed to be well meaning even if he was a little bit clueless, my mom didn’t insist on using that more convenient entrance. She and I walked to the opposite end of the building so we could comply with the new security measure of wearing IDs before accessing the office floors during weekdays.

She didn’t get upset about being inconvenienced or make any remarks about the guard’s not too courteous behavior. Furthermore, she didn’t act like she was “above the policy” as the wife of CCF’s senior pastor. My mom’s example reminded me that we are all servants. Leaders should never have a sense of entitlement or expectation that they deserve special treatment. She modeled for me how leaders should be humble and willing to submit to authority, following rules with a positive attitude.

By God’s grace, I am also blessed to have a dad who is a good role model of being spirit-filled. Earlier this week, I asked him if he could visit the sick father of a close friend of our family’s. In fact, I really begged him to because this man’s lung cancer had spread and multiplied, and his body was becoming unresponsive to treatment. His lung doctor gave him a very negative prognosis. So I requested that my dad go to see him in the hospital so he could share the gospel and pray with him.

My dad’s free day was Tuesday evening. But Tuesday is normally his most hectic day, since he has back-to-back meetings with church leaders. However, he told me he would make himself available at 6 PM so I confirmed this schedule with him and my friend. For some reason, I thought the hospital we had to drive to was in St. Lukes, Quezon City, so we headed in that direction. Edric and I were with him in his van, instructing the driver where to turn using the Wayz app so we could avoid the evening traffic. When we were a minute away from the hospital, I called my friend to let her know, and she said, “Okay, so you are near Global (referring to St. Lukes, Global City)? I will come down to see you in the lobby.”

“Global?!” I panicked. “I thought you said St. Luke’s Q.C. Oh no, wait a minute, I will call you back!” I had to excuse myself from the conversation and put the phone down to check my text messages. Sure enough, my friend had specified St. Luke’s Global. I don’t know how I missed this! I called her back to apologize and explain that I made a mistake.

My dad heard the entire conversation, but he very calmly said, “It’s okay. We can go tomorrow night.” I couldn’t believe it! There was NO trace of annoyance in his voice or in his body language. He even added cheerfully, “This is great, I can be home earlier and have dinner with your mom.” Not only did he refrain from embarrassing me or making me feel stupid, he saw the unfortunate mistake from a positive perspective!

After my dad dropped Edric and me off so we could ride in our own vehicle, I started to cry. This was partly because I was frustrated at myself for inconveniencing my dad and my friend with an idiotic mistake. But even more stirring to me was my dad’s graciousness. (The next evening he made time again to go with me all the way to the right hospital…St. Luke’s Global City.) 

 The point I wanted to make about parents being honorable is this: Honorable parents honor God in their responses. They represent Christ to their children in such a way that their children want to have a relationship with Him, too. To the best of my recollection my parents were like this but if there were occasions when they weren’t, they asked for our forgiveness and how they could improve.

As parents we need reflect on some hard questions. Do our children see evidence of the Holy Spirit in us when we encounter stress, trials, unpleasant circumstances or relationship issues? Do they see convincing proof that we are followers of Jesus Christ in the way we handle our time, money, or choose our habits, attitudes and values? If not, what can we change? If yes, then praise God!

I pray that all of us will seek to honor God in our lives so we can lead our children to do the same. God has given us the unique privilege and responsibility of primary influence so let us be honorable parents in the way that the apostle Paul said to his spiritual children, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1)

Family Values

When I married Edric, I had no idea what kind of a father he would be to our future children. I hoped that he would be intentional, committed and present in their lives, but there was no way to be certain until we actually started to have kids.

I still remember the incalculable joy that lit up his face when our first son, Elijah, was born. By God’s grace I gave birth Lamaze, so I was cognizant and alert when Elijah came into this world. From behind the gauze mask, Edric’s eyes started to tear as he stomached the gravity of God’s gift to us. He was now a father.

Edric and I fumbled through our parenting in the early years of being a dad and mom. However, with the help of biblical principles from God’s Word, advice from mentors like our parents and other men and women of God, the accountability of family and friends, and good books, our understanding and application of parenting improved through the years.  (We have to keep improving still!)

I used to pressure Edric to be more involved and to be a spiritual leader to our kids, but all my yakking wasn’t what ordered his priorities. As Edric grew in his love for the Lord, God put it in his heart to ponder upon his place and purpose in our children’s lives. It was prayer and encouragement that made a difference, not nagging. Furthermore, he came across a passage of scripture that really convicted him to embrace fatherhood as a sacred trust. 

“We will not conceal them from their children, but tell to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, and His strength and His wondrous works that He has done. For He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which He commanded our fathers that they should teach them to their children, that the generation to come might know, even the children yet to be born, that they may arise and tell them to their children, that they should put their confidence in God and not forget the works of God, but keep His commandments, and not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that did not prepare its heart and whose spirit was not faithful to God.” (‭Psalms‬ ‭78‬:‭4-8 NASB) 

Today, Edric is the one who reminds me to be more intentional! Very recently, he came up with a code of Mendoza Family Values. It begins with this statement: “A Mendoza f.o.l.l.o.w.s. JESUS.”
F – FORGIVE one another
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O – OBEY God and authorities 

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L – LOVE one another unconditionally and love people to Jesus

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L – LEARN God’s Word and His Truths

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O – ONE (Live for the Audience of One – God’s glory)

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W – WORD (Keep your word)

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S – STEWARD (Be a good steward of your talents, abilities, opportunities, time and resources.)

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Edric has based our family devotions on these values in the last few months, giving a bible passage that corresponds to each trait for our children to internalize and memorize.

Every family needs to have a sense of identity that is rooted in their belief system. For our family, our identity is rooted in Jesus Christ and we want to follow Him faithfully. But what does this mean, in practical, everyday situations, especially for our kids? 

The list is something our kids can refer to again and again as they make choices. It isn’t an exhaustive list and there are many other character traits and principles our children need to learn, but this list helps to give them an image of a Christ-follower. Of course the bigger challenge is that Edric and I need to role model The Mendoza Family Values ourselves! 

Have you given thought to your family identity? What values will define your family? 

Disciplining Children Revisited

 
This is a follow-up article to the one I wrote on disciplining my 1-year old daughter, Catalina, which resulted in some eyebrow raising because I talked about spanking. Let it be said that I’m not an advocate of spanking for EVERY wrong behavior that needs correcting. I believe there are different ways to apply healthy correction that produce right thinking and behavior in the hearts and minds of our children. However, I refuse to accept the notion that spanking is the same thing as physical abuse, as some have so quickly labeled it.

First of all, let’s make some clarifications about spanking. Spanking is…

…NOT whacking my child in anger, repeatedly, for every wrong action or behavior.

…NOT a random consequence dependent on how I feel about the situation.

…NOT to be administered before a child understands “NO” or exhibits defiance.

…NOT as effective after the age of 6.

…NOT as effective when a parent uses it as a threat to coerce behavior.

…NOT about using an instrument that will break the skin or bruise it.

…NOT the only way to discipline a child.

…NOT to be used as a method of disciplining if a parent doesn’t have a good, loving relationship with his or her child.

…NOT to be used as a method of disciplining if only one parent applies it and the other doesn’t.

…NOT to be used if the rule that was broken wasn’t clearly explained to the child.

 

 Research shows that…

  1. The most aggressive children tend to be those who are never spanked.
  2. Of the many parents who spank, a minuscule number actually wind up abusing their children. Sweden outlawed parenting spanking in 1979. A decade later, Bob Larzelere conducted a follow-up study in which he found that child abuse had increased significantly since the ban.
  3. Diana Baumrind (considered the foremost researcher in the area of parenting style outcomes) has found that parents who are philosophically opposed to spanking are more likely to overreact to their children’s misbehaviour than parents who have no such philosophical objection. (For example, some parents resort to yelling at their children in order to control their behavior.)
  4. The more often a child is spanked, the less effective the spanking becomes. (A parent needs to consider their overall approach to discipline.)

The above information is taken from John Rosemond’s book, Parenting by the Book (pg. 216 – 219.)

I’ve said this before but I will say it again for the sake of those who may misunderstand spanking. I can count the number of times I’ve spanked each of my children over the course of their early childhood years. In other words, Edric and I haven’t had to spank our children a lot. If a parent spanks very often they need to revisit their parenting in general. Furthermore, there may be other factors that are undermining their attempts to discipline and disciple their kids such as…

…unresolved conflicts within the marriage

…frequent and hurtful displays of anger in the home

…hypocrisy (telling their children to do one thing but modeling the opposite)

…an insubordinate spirit on display, where a wife doesn’t model submission to the authority of her husband

…different parenting styles and philosophies on raising children between husband and wife

…application of unhealthy parenting styles like child-centrism

…relatives or househelp who contradict parents’ rules

…allowing children to have regular exposure to people or media content that opposes the values and character traits that a parent is trying to instill

 

Here are some common issues that parents may have to deal with and suggestions on how to discipline for these:

Dealing with eating issues – A parent can remove snacks in between meals, take away child’s plate so they get hungry by the next meal, or disallow a fun activity that should’ve followed after meal. We’ve had to do this with Titus. Of all the kids, he isn’t allowed to eat anything in between meals because he takes a long time to finish his food and he gets distracted while eating.

Tantrums and fussiness – Speak to your child calmly and let them that you will not give in to their behavior until they stop. Example, “Mommy will not carry you until you stop.” Don’t give in or pick them up to encourage their behavior. When they stop crying or stop making a scene then you can take them and say, “Very good, you stopped, now mommy will carry you.”

We encourage our kids by reminding them of our rule, “No being fussy.” Even our little 20 month old daughter knows this rule. Unless she makes her requests with a smile and a “please,” we don’t give in to her fussing or tantrums. She can pout all she wants (which ends up being very short-lived because no one will pay attention to her doing so). Most of the time, she will change her whining to a sweet “please” and a smile. However, if she screams in disrespect and continues to do so even after being told to stop, Edric and I will spank for this.

Impatience – Teach children to wait before you give them an object or an item that they are clamoring for. Until they stop demanding for it, they don’t get it. I’ve also observed that limiting time on gadgets and playing games on the computer or IPad increases my children’s ability to wait. In contrast, the instant gratification they receive from gadgets and playing games conditions them to be impatient so less is better when it comes to gadges like IPads.

Not sharing/selfishness – Confiscate the toy that two or three children are fighting over if asking them to take turns is not working. When my kids are unable to share a toy, I say, “I have to take it away because you guys aren’t sharing. When you are ready to share, I will give it back to you.”

Fighting with siblings – I sit them down together and we review bible verses on loving one another and treating one another with kindness. Then I ask them, “Are you behaving in a way that pleases God?” and let them come to their own conclusions about their attitudes towards one another. I follow up with a question like, “How can you improve or act in a more loving way?”

When it’s a toddler who bullies or hits their older sibling or other children, I take them aside and talk with them, demonstrating what it means to be gentle. However, if the hitting will put another child in danger (like my 8 month old nephew over Christmas), Edric and I will spank if our child disobeys a command like, “Don’t hit your cousin.”

Interestingly, spanking doesn’t cause a child to be confused when they are disciplined properly (not in anger, not using the hand). The focus is on spanking for disobedience of the command. Occasionally, Catalina will whack her siblings when they pull a toy away from her, as an act of self-defense and frustration. These moments are becoming fewer and far between because she can now articulate herself better. At the same time, I let my older children know that grabbing from Catalina causes her to react in anger so they should ask her nicely before they borrow the toy she is playing with.

As for Catalina, I ask, “Do you want people to hit you?” She will actually reply with a “No” and apologize to her siblings. The point is to let her think about what it will be like to be on the receiving end of a slap on the shoulder from her own siblings. Even if she is just a one year old, she understands! I wouldn’t recommend this as a full-proof solution to children who hit others since it’s hard for them to reason this way at such a young age. But I also think even very young children should start learning the golden rule, “Do to others as you would have them do unto you.” (Luke 6:31)

Teaching kids to get along doesn’t happen overnight and it involves giving them the opportunity to acknowledge their wrong and ask for forgiveness from one another when they hurt each other. We tell our kids to hug and express a sincere apology when they have conflicts. There’s something about requiring them to hug that softens their hearts and there’s something about making sure they say, “Will you forgive me?” that expresses the kind of humility that repairs their relationships. Sometimes, my kids are required to hug for at least 10 seconds so their hard faces turn into smiles!

Destroying objects or toys or losing them – When kids destroy their toys, don’t get them new ones to replace them. Let them realize that they need to practice good stewardship. If they were keen on breaking a toy, they can live with it broken or buy themselves a new one.

Children tend to lose objects and toys, too. One of our sons really liked a marble toy that he got for Christmas a few years back. It came with special, metal marbles. But he would misplace the marbles often. As a consequence, he wasn’t allowed to play with the toy until he found the marbles. Did he do his best to find them? Yes.

Messiness – It took a number of years for our kids to internalize the importance of cleaning up after their mess. But Edric and I refused to let them move on to the next toy or another room to mess up until they cleaned up the one they were first playing in. I don’t mind if they make a mess while they play for as long as they pick up afterwards. Afterall, mess is part of the fun (for as long as they aren’t doing something reckless like drawing on the walls or pulling the stuffing out of their pillows).

When they go to other people’s houses, they aren’t allowed to leave it without picking up the toys they played with. Even if we are in a hurry to leave, Edric and I will give them time to fix up. Some years ago, my sister-in-law temporarily banned them from using her kids’ playroom because they made a big mess and ruined some toys. I thought it was a great way to communicate to my kids that they need to be mindful of the way they play and deal with their mess in other people’s houses.

Being loud and obnoxious – If there’s one thing my children sometimes do that can drive me nuts it’s their boisterousness. For some reason, riding together in a vehicle gives them the prime opportunity to talk and laugh loudly. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing because they are thoroughly enjoying one another’s company. But tight spaces and public ones aren’t the best places for them to kick up the volume of their voices. It can be rude and assaulting to the senses.

To deal with this, I talk to them with a serious tone and explain why it’s not appropriate. Most of the time, they respond to this positively because they have learned to obey. If they don’t, I apply a consequence like withdrawal of a privilege. For younger kids, this can be tough. Catalina screamed like a banshee in her car seat for a good number of hours when our family drove from San Francisco to Los Angeles. It was completely unpleasant! But, we had to keep her in that seat for safety reasons so we 1. Let her cry until she got tired. 2. Sat her beside an older sibling who could entertain her. 3. Distracted her with toys or the IPad.

Running off in public places – My kids know that they aren’t supposed to run off while we are in public spaces. With all their expendable energy waiting to be released, this can be really difficult for them. They love to run down mall aisles and hide behind clothing racks. So I let them know our rules for going out together (especially since I don’t bring househelp when it’s just the four older kids). Before we leave the vehicle, I will ask them to repeat what our rule for being in public is. “Stay close to mommy.” They know the risks of getting separated or taken by strangers. But I still remind them, “If you don’t stay near me, you won’t get to come with me the next time.” This usually works because they know I have every intention of implementing this consequence if they don’t follow the rule.

Lying – My personal conviction about a child who lies habitually is they may not yet have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. John 8:44 says, “You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

If a child already has a relationship with Jesus but is still young, they may not fully understand what lying is. So a parent needs to explain what truthfulness is and make their child feel like home is a safe place for honesty and confession.

Some children may lie because they are afraid that they will be scolded, lectured, shamed or punished if they admit to their mistake or fault. If this is the case then a parent needs to consider whether they encourage open communication in their home or make it challenging for their children to speak the truth. Do our children feel the liberty to share what’s really going on in their hearts?

Dr. Harold Sala, author of The Parent Map, outlines 10 guidelines for successful discipline (pg. 151 – 161). I will summarize them here, but if you have the opportunity to, grab a copy of his book at OMF Literature. It’s one of the most complete books I’ve read on parenting.

1. Establish clear limits of behavior. Dr. Haim Ginnot wrote that children “need a definition that tells them clearly what constitutes unacceptable conduct and what substitute will be accepted. The limits must be stated firmly so that it carries only one message, ‘This prohibition is for real. I mean business.'” Dr. Sala encourages us to expect our children to comply immediately. We shouldn’t be counting 1, 2, 3 and so on before they obey.

2. Enforce boundaries with consistent discipline. Spouses need to agree on the same rules and hold their children accountable for them without contradicting one another.

3. Discipline in private. I’ve made the mistake of correcting one of my sons in public one too many times. By public, I mean at the dinner table, in front of his siblings. He does much better when I take him aside and talk to him in private, one-on-one.

4. Establish responsibility for wrongdoing. Asking our children questions like “Why did you do what you did?” or “What did you do?” will allow them to identify their error, versus asking a question like, “Did you__________?” which warrants only a yes or no answer.

5. Show grief over the offense. Whenever our children disobey us, Edric and I express how it hurts us. We don’t go on and on about how sad we are. But we do let our kids know that it grieves us when they make choices that are displeasing to the Lord because that’s the real issue — we want them to make choices that please and honor God.

6. Discipline should be commensurate with the offense. Dr. Sala states that the “measure of discipline should be in relation to the severity of wrongdoing — neither too severe nor too light.” A mom told me that she put hot sauce in her four year old’s mouth for speaking unkindly to the househelp. She cried afterwards because she accidentally poured too much of it into his mouth and he was traumatized afterwards. On the one hand, he got the message loud and clear, but looking back, she realized it was a little severe.

7. Practice common-sense discipline with a purpose. A parent can use restrictions, time outs, writing assignments, and physical discipline. Restrictions would be things like reducing the amount of time on a gadget, or temporary suspension from a favorite activity. When Elijah was using his IPad to do a lot of research about apps, I gave him a time limit. He actually appreciate it because he wanted to know his “boundaries” when it came to IPad use. Time-outs work better for older children. I’ve asked my older sons to spend some time thinking about their wrong attitudes and praying about how they can change and they will come back to me with renewed spirits and an apology. Physical discipline, according to Sala, should be used only when a child is rebellious or defiant.

8. Allow a child to vent his emotions, then talk about what has happened and how to better handle the situation in the future. Edric and I have done this a number of times with our kids. We let them share their feelings or frustrations and then steer them gently in the direction of right thinking and right actions.

9. Once a matter has been dealt with, consider it forgiven. In other words, parents shouldn’t hold on to the offense of their child and use it against them in the future. We need to forgive as God has forgiven us.

10. Balance discipline with personal attention. I really like this point because children who are consistently problematic probably need a lot of attention from their parents. Dr. Sala writes, “Nothing is a greater gift to your child, nor will anything contribute more to his good behavior, than the gift of yourself.”

So, when is it appropriate to use spanking as a form of discipline?

This is where we have to carefully consider the nature of the offense and the context. Sometimes children make mistakes of the mind. They forget about a rule without intending to break it out of defiance. A mistake of the heart, on the other hand, is making a conscious choice to go against the will of a parent.

For example, one day, I called out to Catalina, asking her to come to me, and she purposefully walked away while looking back at me with a face that spelled, “I don’t have to listen to you, I can do what I want to.” I know that’s the look she was giving because I am with her everyday, therefore I am well acquainted with her personality, expressions, and tendencies. This moment was clearly a mistake of the heart and I couldn’t let her get away with disobeying and disrespecting me. It wasn’t about trying to control her for my own purposes. It was about teaching her to obey authority, for her future good.

Imagine what would happen if we were walking on the sidewalk of a street and she refused to stay beside me and hold my hand, choosing instead to run off? And what if a vehicle was headed her way and she didn’t know it, and she attempted to make her way on to the street itself. I would have to call out, “Catalina, wait for mommy!” or, “Catalina, stop!” or “Catalina, come here!” And if she chose to defy me as the vehicle zoomed past, she would most probably die! So, am I willing to inflict a measure of pain in the present to convey the importance of obedience? The answer is yes.

The point of this article is to say that spanking shouldn’t be quickly labeled as an abusive form of discipline, especially when it can save a child from future hurt and pain. Can it be abusive if done inappropriately? Yes (please refer to the clarifications stated at the beginning about what spanking is NOT). However, it can also be one of the best ways to teach life-saving obedience when a child is very young. Nevertheless, spanking isn’t the only form of discipline that a parent can and should implore to deal with the undesirable behaviors their child exhibits. There are a variety of disciplinary actions a parent can apply to train a child. Depending on the circumstance and the issue, a parent must be committed to the aim of discipline, which is to produce the fruit of righteousness in their child. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit ofrighteousness. (Hebrews 12:11) Proper discipline will be about “heart modification” (a term author Tedd Tripp uses), and not just “behavior modification.”

Let me close with a quote from Dr. Harold Sala’s book, “Discipline is an integral part of love…God instructed parents, fathers in particular, to discipline their children in order to save them from heartbreak and anguish.” (The Parent Map, pg.143,145)

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So…to spank or not to spank? I’ll leave that up to you to pray about and decide. May the Lord give us the wisdom and the resolve to never give up and never surrender to the challenge of training our children! “Discipline your son, for there is hope, do not set your heart on putting him to death.” (Proverbs 19:18)

 

 

 

The Power of Time

Every child needs time with his or her parents. Time = love to them. Sometimes I assume that homeschooling is equivalent to quality time spent with my kids. But one day my son asked, “Why are you so busy, mom?” 

“Busy? Me?!” I thought, No way! I give so much time to my kids, how could my son be asking this?

However I took his question to heart and started analyzing how engaged I am when I am with my kids. Sometimes when I am homeschooling, I am working on a project or an entry for my blog, or checking social media. It has become a bad habit. In fact, there are occasions when I feel like they are interrupting me while I try to kill ten birds with one stone during the same hours when I ought to be devoting my full attention to my kids.

Lately, I have tried to change this by being more disciplined about my homeschooling. Yet this isn’t enough. Each one of my kids desires special time with me (and Edric), which means I have to understand what they perceive as fun and engage in these activities with them. Whether it is story time, doing dancing with the Xbox 360, going to the grocery or bookstore, sleeping in our room on the weekends, watching movies, playing games, gardening, doing art, etc, these activities mean a lot to them.  

Some weeks ago, Tiana and I did painting together. She chatted the whole two hours, making all kinds of comments and sharing her insights. But the most curious part of all was hearing her ask questions. We were listening to music while we painted and she started singling out words and wanted to know their definitions. Our acrylic painting session became a lesson on vocabulary words! She kept going, asking me what this and that word meant as we heard each song. And she also told how much fun she was having. 

 
  
 

    
I have encountered this sort of responsiveness from my other kids in similar contexts — while they are enjoying personalized time with me, they are much more teachable. So my observation is this…if my kids are acting up emotionally or they seem unresponsive to my teaching, the cure is not to lecture them or force them to learn, instead I must consider whether they lack my time and attention. Each one of my kids is different in their looks, personality, abilities and interests, but the need of their hearts is the same. They yearn to have a loving and close relationship with me and Edric, which can only happen when we invest time to fellowship with them, get to know them, enjoy them, and minister to them. 

As child development psychologist, Dr. Gordon Neufeld so aptly put it, “We were never meant to influence minds whose hearts we do not have.” 

What can we do to capture the hearts of our kids? What do we need to stop doing and start doing or continue doing to spend quality time with them?

Four Days with Nine

When children are obedient it is possible to raise nine of them! This was my realization over the weekend when both my brothers entrusted their children to us. Our 5 + Paul’s 3 + Peter’s 1.

We homeschooled them, fed them, put them to bed, read stories to them, played games, asked them to clean up after themselves, and requested that they follow our rules.

   
There was one occasion when Teegan (my older brother, Peter’s daughter) didn’t eat her breakfast so I explained to her that she could not eat Krispy Kreme donuts with everyone else at High Street. She had to wait until after she finished lunch. In the past, she would have fussed and given me a pout, maybe even cried. But since her parents have been diligent about disciplining her and teaching her to control her emotions, she nodded her head with understanding when I presented her with this consequence. At lunch, she cleaned her plate and got her donut after.
   

Another incident involved our own Titus getting upset about seating arrangements. He had a mini-meltdown but after Edric had a chat with him, he apologized to everyone for losing his temper.
   

Other than these occasions, having nine kids wasn’t burdensome at all. We did have househelp to assist us which made a difference. But I have seen one too many naughty kids needing several persons to manage them. This wasn’t the case with our nephews and nieces. They were a delight.

After every meal, they politely thanked Edric and me, even if they didn’t always like what we fed them. When we corrected them for leaving a mess, they immediately cleaned it up. There were no major fights to settle or cry-babies to appease. At night they complied with sleeping time and didn’t bother one another.

These pleasant behaviors brought me to the conclusion that it’s not so much the number of children one has that spells the difference between order and chaos. It’s the intentional training in obedience and respect that is the key.

   

I appreciated my siblings and their wives all the more after our baby-sitting experience. Since our kids interact with their kids alot it matters that all our children share the same values and attitudes about authority, treating one another with kindness, gratitude, and being well-mannered. Most important of all, my nieces and nephews love the Lord. Their hearts are tender and their desire to please God is evident. My kids are blessed to have their cousins as friends. I am thankful that for the good influence they are on our own children. Sometimes they can all get wild and crazy together, in the context of having fun, but they affirm the same biblical principles we teach our children.

Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭29‬:‭17‬ NASB)

 

One of the reasons why our children share similarities is due to the kind of relationship my siblings and I have (in-laws included). We hold one another accountable and LOVINGLY correct each other’s parenting styles when necessary. My parents still mentor us, too, which is a wonderful blessing.

For example, two years ago, my brother, Peter, and his family, came back to the Philippines after living in New York for over a decade. We all noticed that he and his wife, Jennifer, tended to be more child-centric with their three year old daughter, Teegan. They didn’t realize it as she had been the center of attention among all their couple friends, too. She was accustomed to getting her way or pitching a fit if she didn’t. When we all pointed this out to them, in a speak-the-truth-in-love sort of way, they received it well and responded to everyone’s suggestions. Today, Teegan is a transformed child! She used to chase Tiana and scare her, bullying her for the first few months that she was in Manila. Now, she and Tiana love one another so much!

The saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” seems to apply to our family. We share “best practices” with one another and treat each other’s kids as our own. But my own version is “It takes a family of Christ-centered parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins to raise Christ-centered children. The perspective of my siblings and parents (and even from Edric’s side of the family) helps guide our parenting goals and methodologies.

 
By God’s grace, Edric and I got through four days with a house full of kids by. When the weekend came to a close, we sat around the breakfast table with nine children thinking, hmm…this is fun, we could actually do this, we could have more! But for now we will borrow our nieces and nephews…I am not quite ready to be pregnant for the 6th time and I’ve got my hands full with five.

 

Can You Flex?

After the kids have their basketball trainings, they are wiped out and mad hungry. It’s been a little more expensive to feed our sons these past few weeks while their appetites have been amped up to a much higher degree than usual. The good thing is, I want them to eat a lot. All our kids have spider-like bodies because they are on the thinner side.

This afternoon, the kids wanted ice cream after their practice. I dropped by the grocery to do some shopping and my third son, Titus, expressed that he preferred to buy a yoghurt bar on our way home. In fact, he really wanted a yoghurt bar. However, it was simpler to get everyone ice cream at the supermarket, so he ended up with an ice cream cone from the grocery freezer instead.

I had forgotten about how much he desired a yoghurt bar. But on the way home, he stuck his head in between the van seats and whispered to me, “Mom, it’s okay that I didn’t get a yoghurt bar.”

Oh right. I hadn’t really given it much thought that settling for an ice cream cone fell short of his expectations. But he made sure to announce that he was fine, just in case I was wondering if he was.

I kissed Titus and told him, “I’m sooo proud of you for being flexible.”

“What does flexible mean?” He didn’t quite understand as he asked this.

“Being flexible means being able to adjust when you don’t get what you want.” After I explained this, a smile broke out on his face.

When I was little my dad repeatedly told my siblings and me, “Learn to be flexible.” I’ve never forgotten this phrase. Every time circumstances didn’t turn out as planned or expectations were unmet, disappointment was natural. However, my dad reminded us, “be flexible.”

The character trait of flexibility was rooted in something much more significant than the ability to adjust to the situation. My dad taught us to trust in God and be at peace when we didn’t get our way. This approach to fighting entitlement worked for us. We learned that we could be happy and thankful even if we didn’t receive that toy we hoped for, or the ice cream, horseback ride, movie night, beach trip, etc.

When we fail to teach our children to be flexible, their tendency is to wallow in negativity when there is a perceived roadblock to their happiness.

Some years ago, Edric’s Uncle who lives in the U.S. visited Manila with a suitcase full of gifts for our kids. He requested that I email him a few weeks prior with links to the items he could purchase for our children on Amazon. Of course he assumed that these items were our children’s preferences and he was looking forward to surprising them.

A few weeks later, he arrived and gathered the children around him. Each time he pulled out a present from his luggage, the kids would hold their breath in excitement. Elijah and Edan were thrilled with their gifts, exclaiming, “This is my favorite!” They marveled over the fact that their Great Uncle was so intuitive!

Titus’ turn came along and his Great Uncle handed him an anthology of Dr. Seuss Stories. I must admit that this was one of those Amazon items that I wanted for him more than he probably wanted for himself. Titus accepted the heavy book, looked it over, and politely expressed his gratitude. However, as he walked back to the couch where he had been sitting, he very honestly mouthed out, “This is NOT my favorite.” I didn’t know whether to laugh at his candidness or cry in embarrassment!

Of all our kids, Titus ranks high on persistence. He will find/invent a way to reach his objectives. Therefore to hear him say, “It’s okay that I didn’t get a yoghurt bar” with all sincerity was actually a big deal. He has changed a lot! I praise God that he is maturing in the area of dealing with disappointment.

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Every person needs to learn flexibility. Life is hardly predictable. As much as we would like to, there’s no way to ABSOLUTELY control people around us or the circumstances we face. And it’s easy to be pouty, moody, ungrateful, and upset when our demands and expectations aren’t met.

The definitions of flexibility according to the Free Online Dictionary are the following:

  1. Capable of being bent or flexed; pliable
  2. Readily bending or twisting the body without injury.
  3. Able to change to cope with variable circumstances.
  4. Capable of being change or adjusted to meet particular or varied needs.

On the one hand the word flexible refers to the ability of the body to bend and flex. But on an emotional level, it is the capacity to accommodate change and adjust one’s attitude and responses positively. On a spiritual plane, I believe this ability begins with an awareness that God remains in control. When things go out of control it is declaring, I will do my part to focus on what I can control – my attitude and behavior, and leave the outcome to the Lord, willingly bending in the direction he elects for me to go.

How do we know that we are becoming more flexible? We can check the aftereffects. A flexible person is a rested, grateful person who finds enjoyment in the present circumstances and makes the most out of the situation, trusting that God is at work and sovereign.

Let me close with this passage… “Cease striving and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10

At the end of the day, our responses to situations are indicative of our theology. Do we really know who God is? How powerful? How awesome? How loving, good, and holy? Our knowledge of God will dictate the turmoil or the peace that follows. Here’s a statement to reflect on which my mom passed on to me, “KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE. NO GOD, NO PEACE.”

 

 

 

More Painful Than A Spanking

Since Elijah and Edan are way past the age when spanking is applicable or effective, namely between the ages of 1 and 6 years old, they are disciplined using withdrawal of privileges or natural logical consequences. Discipline and discipleship continues in our home, taking on different forms as our children grow up.

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For someone like Elijah who has access to an IPad (that he paid for), a painful consequence is getting it confiscated. I had to do this a few days ago because he exhibited a negative attitude about finishing his social studies work. Normally, he is a cheery person who pretty much educates himself. But that morning he was mumbling and grumbling about the writing work he was tasked to complete. After warning him that his attitude was not acceptable and he still kept at it, I informed him that he was banned from using his IPad. With the exeption of writing assignments and until he got his homeschool work done in Social Studies and Bible, he wasn’t allowed to use his IPad for entertainment purposes. He wasn’t happy about my disciplinary action and began to tear but he did say, “Thank you mom for motivating me to push myself. Since I can’t use my IPad, I want to finish my work so I can get it back.” Awww…By God’s grace, he is still such a sweet son!

As a mom, I know when my kids are burdened by their homeschool studies because the content is beyond their capacity and when they are acting up because they don’t want to put in the effort to get a task done. This situation with Elijah was about the latter. When his IPad was confiscated, he told me that getting this privilege withdrawed is more painful than a spanking!

On other occasions we let our kids reap what they sow. For example, one afternoon the kids left their basketball in our church building. I didn’t go back and get it even though I could have. In the meantime, they were short one ball for their class and they felt badly about it. A few days later, they had to ask the guard of the floor they lost it on, and coordinate with him about who saw it last. It took them three days before they recovered their ball. Moving forwrad, I’m pretty sure they will be more responsible about it since they were inconvenienced to retrieve it.

Edric and I are committed to disciplining and discipling our kids, weeding out heart attitudes and perspectives that stand in the way of their emotional and spiritual maturity. But it takes faithfulness and a lot of wisdom — wisdom to discern what works for a particular situation or problem. Therefore we pray to the Lord for his insight and discernment. Our knowledge is limited and our understanding of what’s going on in their hearts isn’t always accurate. So we need the Lord to instruct us. The wisdom to address our children’s character weaknesses comes from him.

I like the reminder that Galatians 6 gives…”Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself…” (Galatians 6:1-3 NASB)

Based on the text above, here are some guidelines for correcting our children:

“You who are spiritual…” If we desire to see spiritual fruit in our kids, we need to be spiritual ourselves! We need to walk intimately with Lord. Often times the best way to apply this is to pray when our children act and behave in ways that are frustrating and upsetting. Instead of reacting right away, we can pray for the words to speak and the wisdom to deal with the problem.

“Restore such a one…The goal is restoration — to restore our children to a rightful disposition before the Lord. When my kids aren’t motivated to homeschool; if they deal with one another unkindly; speak to me disrespectfully or resist submitting to my authority, I try to remember that this isn’t about forcing my children to do what I want them to. This is about recalibrating the compass of their hearts so it’s pointing in the direction of Christ. A helpful question to ask them is, “Do you think what you are doing is pleasing to the Lord?” Or, “I know you love the Lord and don’t want to continue acting this way.” The focus is on their spiritual condition and teaching them to please God.

“In a spirit of gentleness.” Correction must be done in a spirit of gentleness, never in anger or we will cause our children to stumble and push their hearts away from us (and the Lord). This is tough one! It’s challenging to be patient!  “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) Losing our temper and displaying our irritation with our kids is counterproductive. It doesn’t encourage them to change, it incites their anger and wounds them deeply. We can be gentle when we remember the previous two points – spiritual parents are spirit filled and their goal is to restore their children to a rightful disposition before the Lord.

“…Each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”  We are just as susceptible to wrong choices and bad attitudes. To avoid falling into temptation ourselves, let us instruct our children with the perspective that, “I’m not perfect. I have areas I have to work on in my own life. I need to keep improving too.” Deuteronomy cautions parents by saying, “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” (Deuteronomy 4:9) Sometimes, we can be guilty of the same things we are trying to correct in our kids, so let’s be careful to mind our own walk before we talk. Let’s examine our own hearts for character weaknesses that we need to change.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” We have a spiritual responsibility to help our children grow in Christ-likeness. Our goal is to present them as adults who love and obey Him with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Do our children know that this is our goal? Do they know we are committed to helping them pursue this goal, that we are here for them when they fail and mess up…that we will bear their burdens with them?

“For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself…” If we think we are better or spiritually superior to our kids, we are greatly mistaken. God has given us His grace. We need to dispense the same grace to our kids as we instruct, train, and discipline them.

Here’s a comforting promise for all of us parents if we are faithful to do so…“Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” (Proverbs 29:17)

 

 

Backyard Summer Fun

Sometimes all you need is an inflatable pool and lots of kids, and you have a party! Someday I will miss these precious years of childhood and building family memories…                    

  

 

A Trait All Gentlemen Should Have

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Having three sons offers Edric and I many opportunities to learn about what boys are like and how they develop into men. One thing is certain, they need guidance and direction when it comes to growing in their concept of manhood. Edric plays a vital role in this aspect of their development, and he has intentionally taken it upon himself to teach them what it means to be gentlemen.

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When teaching opportunities present themselves, he will pass on things like, “We need to let ladies go first. We need to hold the door open for them. We need to help ladies carry heavy bags.” Everytime he leaves the home and the boys are left with me, he reminds them, “Protect your mom and your sisters.” It’s quite adorable when my sons take this to heart and insist on accompanying me when I have to run an errand in order to “protect me.”

I recall an instance when Elijah accompanied me to 168 in Divisoria to buy toys for a birthday party. When I had to use the toilet, Elijah said, “I can go with you, mom.” I thought he was afraid. So I said, “Okay, come wait right outside so I know you are safe.” But he replied, “No, I will make sure YOU ARE SAFE.”

These are simple ways that our children are learning to be gentlemen. However, there is a more important trait that all gentlemen should have that we are trying to instill in our sons – how to be buck-stopping leaders.

For the past few days, our family was at a retreat in Baguio, where Edric and I served as speakers. Our kids attended the children’s classes, where they were grouped by various ages. Elijah and Edan shared the same class. When we asked them if they obeyed their teacher, they confessed to their rowdiness – hitting one another’s heads and playfully agitating each other so they became a distraction to others. As a result the teacher separated them. We encouraged them to apologize for their behavior and they were in full agreement of doing so, acknowledging that their actions had been wrong. The next time they saw their teacher, they asked for her forgiveness, which she readily gave.

On the one hand, being a gentleman is about treating people with respect, being considerate of others before one’s self, keeping one’s word and dealing with people honorably and truthfully. On the other hand, it is about accepting accountability and responsibility for one’s choices and mistakes, choosing to do what pleases God, and encouraging others to do the same.

As Edric likes to put it, “the buck stops with us (men).” He shares this often during seminars where he talks about the role of a man, challenging them to imitate U.S. President Harry Truman example, who popularized the statement “The buck stops here” – a sign that sat on his desk in the Oval Office. Prior to this, it was common to use the phrase, “pass the buck” when playing poker whenever the person holding the buck was tired of the responsibility.

In contrast, the “buck stops here” represents the kind of leader men are supposed to be. Edric refers to the passage in Genesis 3, the tragic choice to eat the forbidden fruit and the aftermath of this decision. Adam and Eve attempted to hide themselves, a ridiculous attempt to conceal themselves from an all-knowing and all-present God. In this chapter, God did something very intentional. He called out to the MAN. “Where are you?”

Edric asks men during seminars, “Why didn’t God single out Eve? Eve, who took the first bite and convinced her husband to sin with her?” God sent a message to Adam – as the man, you are accountable, you are responsible, I put you in charge, what happened? This tells us that a man is accountable to God first, and then responsible to take care of those entrusted to his care, to lead them in the way God would have them go. He should not “pass the buck” by pointing fingers and blaming others or circumstances.

Perhaps I can illustrate this point with a story. When I was dating Edric, we struggled in the area of purity. He was a gentleman in the sense that he took care of me and looked out for my needs. He tried his best to treat me with respect. However, our hormones at that season of our lives were difficult to bridle. I’m not excusing what we did. Furthermore, it would not be fair for me to say that it was entirely Edric’s fault. I made my own choices and I did things I’m not proud of. At some point, Edric and I became very convicted about what we were doing. We broke up in order to put God first and seek his will for us.

One of my prayers was that Edric would sit down with my parents and tell them everything we did so we could “come clean.” I was amazed when, a few months later, while we were broken up, he called me and asked to have dinner with my parents on his own initiative. During that dinner he owned up to his responsibility as a man and put the blame on himself. It was the most awkward dinner of our lives. But I learned something remarkable about Edric, which only wanted me to marry him all the more!

A real gentleman says, “the buck stops with me! I am accountable. I am responsible.” I saw this trait in Edric when he apologized to my parents saying that as the man in the relationship, he should not have allowed our relationship to become so physical. He claimed the fault was is even if I insisted that the blame shouldn’t fall entirely upon him. My admiration for him increased 10-fold.

Up to this day, he is this kind of man. Of course he makes mistakes every now and then, but he will own up to them and burden himself with the responsibility of fixing problems that arise in our marriage and family. Furthermore, he will not let issues linger to a destructive point because he knows that God has put him in charge of the kids and me.

Admittedly, sometimes the problem is me! But Edric won’t say, “See, this is all your fault!” In fact, he has never, to my recollection, ever said this to me. More often than not, he actually says, “You know what, I need to make sure that I disciple you better, to help you.” Or, “I’ve got to step up and make sure I’m leading our family spiritually. This is on me.” He will even add, “I’m back, baby! (for my sake) Have no fear, ‘daddy’ is here (for the kids’ sake),” puffing his chest out and thumping it to give the moment some comedy.

When he makes this profession, I am confident not in Edric per se, but on the source of his ability to turn a situation around for the better or repair what needs fixing. Edric is dependent on God. He walks with Him and seeks to follow His principles. Therefore his enabling comes from God. Being a faithful follower of Jesus makes him a capable, buck-stopping leader. The aim of his leadership is to help those around him, especially the kids and me, to follow Jesus, too.

As women, we have a significant role to play to encourage the emergence of the inner, God-designed, buck-stopping leaders that husbands are made to be.

First, our outlook is important. I believe all husbands have the capacity to lead. This isn’t a trait exclusive to those with dominant personality types. Interestingly, our sons show leadership in very different ways from one another. Elijah has a very big personality but he is a leader by example. Edan tends to be less vocal, but organizing people and delegating tasks comes naturally to him. Titus is a man’s man. No matter what their personalities are like, each one of them can learn to copy the kind of leadership that Jesus Christ displayed for us. John Piper describes this as a combination of lion-hearted and lamb-like. Jesus boldly taught us how to live and he died for us to solve the problem of our sins, but at the same time he was among us as a servant.

Matthew 20:25 – 28 “But Jesus called them to Himself and said, ‘You know that the rulers of the Gentles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

Second, we can appreciate the instances when our husbands make difficult decisions for the family. Whether these decisions turn out well or not, we can call out the fact that it must be hard to make the choices they have to make. We can tell them that their leadership means a lot to us.

Third, we should avoid criticizing them when they fail, because they will from time to time. Let’s ban comments like, “See, I told you so!” (Oh, I know this is hard! I have to bite my lip not to do this at times!)

Fourth, let them know that we are there to support them and pray for them, communicating that we believe God will help them to solve the problem and be the kind of leader they need to be. (Pray, pray, pray!!!)

I know it’s hard to communicate these messages when we are disappointed in the leadership or lack of leadership our husbands may display. But our positive outlook, belief in their leadership by the power of Christ’s enabling, encouragement, and prayers will do wonders! Men have so much pressure on their shoulders. The last thing they need is to be pressured by us.

For single women, how do you distinguish between someone who is a gentleman only on the outside and one who has the qualities of a buck-stopping leader? Observe the way a man you are interested in handles conflict, stress, problems, mistakes, and issues. Does he recognize and embrace his responsibility and admit accountability, seeking to find solutions that may entail sacrificing his own comfort and needs? More importantly, does he walk intimately with the Lord so that his responses are aligned with God’s principles and honor Him? In the process, does he motivate others to do the same, including you?

 

 

Disciplining A Little Fireball With Love

 

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My fifth child, Catalina, was my first child to display her relentlessness and fighting spirit so early on in her life. At times I wondered if this was due to her traumatic entrance into this world. Having been hospitalized twice in her first month of life, she had numerous needle insertions into her veins for IVs and antibiotics. Plus, she was separated from me physically when she was first confined. Even if I was allowed to see her to feed her, she didn’t experience the immediate bonding that I had with my other kids.

Her very large and loud personality became apparent when she turned six months old and escalated to include undesirable behaviors when she turned one. As a one year old, who was talkative and expressive, she not only vocalized her frustrations, she antagonized her siblings and others when she had the opportunity to do so.

I still remember our one month stay in the U.S. in December, when she discovered that carpeted floors provided the perfect surface for throwing a tantrum. She would hurl herself onto the floor (sometimes face down) and shake her legs madly when she didn’t get her way. For emphasis, she would also roll from one location to another.

I would watch this display of her temper, half amused that she thought this would make a difference, and half horrified that she expressed her anger this way. In all my experience of parenting five children, she was the first to unravel herself in this manner.

As I observed her reactions to situations that she deemed unfavorable, I wondered what she was thinking. Did she really believe that her actions would result in me picking her up or responding to her demands?

Had she been my first child, I might have been less calm. But having seen the positive effects of discipline on my four other children, I was hopeful that she too could be trained to obey and process her emotions with greater restraint. However, I also knew that it would be challenging. The very traits I mentioned at the beginning of this post, which are admirable to have in a person who has learned to control them, are not easy to channel appropriately by a one year old.

Clearly, her outbursts were unacceptable. The question was, how would Edric and I lovingly address the necessity of discipline in our little fireball of a daughter? How were we going to introduce obedience and self-control when she was barely over a year old?

Our U.S. trip provided the fitting time to begin our training. Edric and I were with Catalina 24/7. We studied her carefully and we watched her constantly.

One of her favorite things to do when playing with her younger cousin, Joshua, was hit him on the head. She had no regard for the fact that he was a helpless eight month old baby who could not run away from her tyranny. Almost every time she passed by him or stood near him, she managed to include a bop on his head that made him wail in pain. Furthermore, she found his unusually large and adorable eyeballs fascinating, and she wanted to poke them out of curiosity.

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(This is cousin, Joshua)

Obviously, none of these behaviors could continue. I praise God for my gracious sister and brother in law. But I know they were afraid for his very life! So were Edric and me!

Since setting her aside and talking to her were ineffective and she defied us when we told her, “No, don’t hit,” our next recourse was to introduce spanking. We were very clear in our instruction. “Catalina don’t hit. You obey.” She would acknowledge and then minutes later, she would raise her hand or a toy and strike her cousin on the head with it!

A parent knows when her child is being defiant and when that same child is acting in innocence and ignorance. This wasn’t a case of innocence or ignorance. We saw the intent to disobey on her face as she smacked her cousin numerous times then looked at us or her panicking siblings who would report, “Catalina hit Joshua again!”

Since Edric and I had never hit Catalina and the ladies who worked for us hadn’t done so either (or are kids), we were perplexed as to how Catalina developed this bully-ish attitude. And even though we did not understand what kind of pleasure she got out of tormenting her cousin, it was decided that she would receive her first official spanking for disobedience. During a moment when I caught her in the act of hitting, I took her to the bathroom with a wooden spoon in my hand.

In the bathroom, I held her close and reminded her that we told her not to hit her cousin. I also told her that she did not obey so I was going to spank her. Then I gave her a good swat across the bum, enough to sting but not wound the skin. She cried and I embraced her tightly, waiting for her to calm down. Then I looked her in the eyes and said, “I love you. But mommy spanked you because you did not obey. Do not hit Joshua. Obey.” I repeated this several times until she filled in the blanks. Catalina will “OBEY”.

I know she understood me because she said, “No hip (she couldn’t quite say the word hit). Obey.” In fact she would say this when she was near Joshua, as a kind of mantra to suppress her urge to antagonize him.

Over the course of our stay in the U.S. she did test us and attempt to hit again a number of times. So we spanked her in the same manner. By the end of our trip, however, we could leave her alone with Joshua and she stopped her bullying.

Several weeks after we arrived in the Philippines and we had our wonderful househelp to assist me, they told me she was easier to take care of and that she had changed. Furthermore, everytime Catalina passed by the drawer where our own wooden spoon was kept, she remarked “Obey. Good girl. Obey. No hit. Spanking.” She connected that spanking was for her disobedience.

Our disciplining is hardly over. While the spankings are now fewer and far between, we continue to train her to wait and exercise self control, to be attentive, and to accept our commands without throwing a fit or tantrum. She is also learning how to say sorry and hug her siblings when she is unkind towards them.

Our present hurdle is teaching her to manage her temper when she doesn’t get her way. For example, if she wants to look at my Iphone and her siblings pull it away from her because we want to limit her exposure to gadgets, she will cry out to express her irritation and sometimes, she may even slap them back! It’s no longer about hitting to bully a younger child, it’s about fighting back when she feels wronged.

First, we tell her siblings not to grab toys or objects from her because this causes her to go into “survival mode,” where she antagonizes them in return. Second, I try to use the distraction technique, where I present an optional activity to divert her attention. Third, if she does get upset because she is denied what she wants, I take her aside so I can talk to her about her inappropriate responses. I also give her the opportunity to apologize to her siblings.

It’s not easy to discipline a little child. The word discipline has, at its root, the word disciple which means a follower. And we want all our children to follow Jesus Christ. However, Catalina is just a year and seven months old. So her capacity to grasp spiritual truth is still immature. While she sees us praying to Jesus and she observes that we talk about him, she is not yet able to understand what it means to have a fallen nature that needs to be redeemed by Christ. But she is manifesting this nature!

Until the age when we can explain God’s redemptive plan for her life (which usually happens around three years old for our kids), we have to remain consistent about training and teaching her to obey. Even if she is a very strong-willed girl, it is our responsibility to help her develop the will to obey and respond positively to our authority.

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I am looking forward to the day when Catalina will embrace obedience because she knows it is God’s good will for her life and it leads to blessing. Until then, this is going to be a journey as we get to know her better and learn to best address the areas where she needs to grow and mature.

Every child has a strong-will. But how they manifest this will and when it erupts as a counterforce to parental authority is different for each child. Our duty, as parents, is not to be intimidated by it or give up trying to train our children to submit to our authority. We are to discipline our children for their greater good and protection, prayerfully considering what kinds of disciplinary actions work best, and always in the context of a healthy, loving relationship with them.

Focus on the Family suggests that parents need to be authoritative versus passive, permissive, or authoritarian. Authoritative parents “provide the best combination of love and discipline…not overbearing, but compassionate yet firm with their authority. They have clear boundaries but are also very loving. Everyone knows who the boss is, but there’s also a connection between parents and child, a consideration that respects and honors who the child is while not compromising his or her disciplinary needs. The result is a child high in self-esteem and equipped with good coping skills. This secular sociological study (by sociologist Reuben Hill) found that the parent who balances love and discipline, without compromising either, produces well-adjusted kids who maintain a positive relationship with Mom and Dad. This research, the best available today, affirms parents who express love well and maintain a high degree of control in their home.” (source: Focus on the Family – Effective Child Discipline)

Hebrews 12:11 “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

Proverbs 13:13 “He who scorns instruction will pay for it, but he who respects a command is rewarded.”

Dealing With Meltdowns

When my kids have their once-in-a-while “meltdowns” during our homeschooling, I am faced with two options. The first is to be annoyed, which is a very real temptation that may involve a response like, “Get over it and do your work. I have no time for your drama.”

Obviously, this would be counterproductive as it is unfair to expect my children to turn their emotions on and off like a switch does to a light bulb. So I usually go for option two, which is to give my children space to feel the emotion that is overwhelming them, to process what they are feeling, and then to pray about it. After all, I have several children to teach so having one absent from our homeschool room actually makes my life easier! But the more important objective is giving my kids the opportunity to hear from the Lord, and allowing the Holy Spirit to minister to them more effectively than I can, especially when the meltdown is at its peak. This type of response is more effectively applied with older children who have a relationship with Jesus Christ because they are Holy-Spirit-equipped to process their circumstances.

Yesterday, my oldest son, Elijah, pushed his IPad away while muttering, “I can’t do this! I got everything wrong! I don’t like math anymore!”

“Are you okay?” I asked calmly, attempting to diffuse his frustration.

“No, I am not and you can’t help me. Nobody can help me.” (He tends to use superlatives in his sentences when he is emotionally charged.)

It wasn’t the most respectful thing to say to me, but I knew where he was coming from as a perfectionist. So I requested that he take a break from his Khan Academy work and go to his room. He got up, huffing and puffing about what a failure he was and threw himself on to the bed to cry.

When Elijah makes mistakes, his morale plummets due to the high standard he expects of himself. Even if I tell him, mistakes can be positive when we learn from them and it’s okay to make mistakes, mistakes are part of growing, that’s not what he wants to hear. More often than not, the best recourse is to back off and give him space to cool down.

After thirty minutes, I lay beside him on the bed and gave him a big hug and kiss. “I love you.” I assured him. And then I listened to his ranting about how upset he was and how he didn’t want to try because he couldn’t do his math well.

When he quieted down I asked him if his mistakes were due to an understanding issue or just carelessness. He admitted that it was the latter. I suspected it was probably so because he prefers to solve math problems mentally, without writing down the solutions.

Since it wasn’t a matter of understanding the formulas involved, I didn’t think it was a big problem. He just needed to slow down and take time to review how he arrived at the answers he did. Furthermore, I asked him if I could sit beside him and do the problems with him.

He really perked up with this suggestion! The idea of sitting side by side to tackle the work gave him renewed incentive to try again. (He is a time person.) So that’s what we did, as a team.

With each problem, we raced to see who would get the answer first. When I needed to review my math formulas I asked him to help me, which he enjoyed doing. In fact his mood changed completely. He was enthusiastic as he demonstrated how to solve the problems and as we compared our answers. I let him take the lead and he gladly did so, assuming the role of instructor as I played the part of student. In the process he answered every problem correctly. What began as a meltdown turned into a fun bonding and learning experience.

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When we finished, Elijah turned to me and said, “Thank you, mom. Thank you for listening and not lecturing me. And I really like it when you are with me.”

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭19‬ NASB)

One of the sweet privileges of homeschooling is being able to ask my kids to take a pause from their “school” work in order to assess and pray about their emotions and attitudes. This gives the Holy Spirit room to convict them and minister to them. It also allows me to think through how I should respond so I avoid the default reaction of irritation when my kids say, “I don’t want to do my work, mom.” After the beneficial pause, which lasts between five to thirty minutes, I can come along side my children to walk them through the challenge of a difficult assignment.

This wouldn’t be realistic in the conventional school model, so I praise God my kids aren’t in a classroom. We aren’t rushed to finish course work during the day when it’s more necessary to stop and address a heart condition or encourage the love for learning. I also get to know my children better — what enlivens them, what demotivates them, what they need to improve on. Best of all, I see the grace of God at work as he helps them deal with their struggles and come out of them positively. God works in my own life, too, teaching me what to say and what to AVOID saying (which is my number one area of improvement in life…keeping quiet and being gentle!)

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭16‬:‭32‬ NASB)

I once read that parenting needs to be about long term goals rather than short-sighted ones. Short-sightedness is stressing out when my children aren’t eager to do their homeschooling work or when they don’t seem to get the material as expediently as I hope they will. I can fall into this mode of parenting which turns me into a tyrannical teacher, one who is pressured to MAKE my kids succeed academically. Or, I can set my sights on the long term goal of parenting.

My long term goal is to raise my children to love God with all that they are and to develop their gifts and abilities for his glory, so they can effectively declare the gospel. When that is my fixed mark, the kids and I can set aside the homeschooling task at hand because there is a more redemptive cause at stake — recalibrating my children’s hearts to adapt Christ-centered perspectives and attitudes. I want their minds primed for instruction rather than forced to receive it. I also want them to know that my love and acceptance will cushion their failures.

When these elements are present as we homeschool, the joy of purposeful learning and teaching returns and the atmosphere is one of peace and calm. But everyday births a new challenge or resurrects an old one so it’s only by God’s grace that we survive each year of homeschooling to pursue another one!

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