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A Father’s Arena

June 19, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza Leave a Comment

Between Edric and I, I tend to be the more protective one with the kids. It is probably because I am a mom. Aside from wanting the boys to stay clean and sanitary, which is often impossible, I can be concerned about their physical safety…sometimes to a fault. They are boys after all. I have definitely relaxed over the years and now I notice how younger moms tend to be more obsessive than I am. But compared to Edric, I am still the more cautious one.

I am especially concerned about them when they are in a swimming pool. First of all, I have my own issues about drowning…my worst fear. Second, I find Edric’s teaching style, as swimming coach to the kids, a little bit unnerving. I mean this in the sense that he will push them to go outside of their comfort zone so they develop water confidence.

Sunday afternoon while I observed Edric instruct Titus, I was tempted to interrupt their session. Titus was gulping quite a bit of water and tearing as Edric taught him to swim a significant distance without assistance. As I was swimming past them doing my own laps, I reached out to grab Titus. However, Edric motioned for me to go away and to let Titus be. So I trusted him and resisted the urge to protect Titus and cater to his feelings. Sure enough, by the end of their “lesson”, Titus swam across the width of the pool without holding on to anyone.

Edric and I agree on the fundamentals and goals of our parenting, which is such a blessing, but we do have masculine and feminine perspectives that impact our approaches. Edric is able to encourage our sons’ masculine traits — bravery, perseverance, toughness, chivalry, and the like in a way that I can’t.

I remember a comment a soccer coach said about some of the homeschoolers he had to train. Unfortunately, it wasn’t positive. He shared that they seemed to be overprotected. When they felt tired or fell down, they would run to their moms, dads, or yayas who were sitting on the sidelines. He didn’t like this because he was trying to toughen them up and teach them how to resist giving in to discomfort. This made me consider my own cautiousness with my kids.

There is a place for nurturing, encouragement, and affirmation, but I have to know when it’s overkill and when it is appropriate. I have to consider what the character objective is and whether my interference will help or negate what ought to be accomplished in the hearts of my kids.

We just came back from Singapore and once again, Edric took over the training aspect for our sons. I was in charge of Tiana and he made sure the boys were disciplined and followed instructions. Whew. I praise God, too. They were very attentive to his leading. I could stroll along as we went from one activity to another. All I had to worry about was our little Tiana.

Edric used this vacation time to mentor our sons once again. He had them each carry a backpack and asked them to be responsible for their belongings and for one another. And he added teaching moments to instill character traits.

For example, since he knew that Titus was struggling with confidence in the water, he wanted to demonstrated courage. When we were at the Science Center, Edric volunteered to step inside a chamber which was zapped by electricity from a Tesla Coil. Of course it was safe but to young children, it looked like he was stepping into a dangerous situation. The kids were nervous about him doing it, but at the same time, they were proud of their dad. Afterwards, he talked about what it means to be brave and related it to their own experiences.

Edric and I share a dynamic as parents that God designed to be complimentary. There are roles we fill in that enable us to raise our kids as a team. I have to make sure I am aligned with what Edric wants the kids to do in a particular situation and avoid contradicting his approach (especially when he is not around which can be confusing for the children.)

I didn’t know what to do when I felt stressed about Edric’s swim lesson with Titus that Sunday afternoon. I wanted to step in and assert my mom instincts. However I was reminded to trust Edric’s leadership. He loves our kids and will not willfully harm them. And when I am not sure which hat to wear as a mom, I go back to what I do know. In that situation it was about supporting my husband who was trying to accomplish, not just a skill, but a character goal.

That same day I watched Elijah and Edan, who used to be afraid of the water, jump around everywhere in the deep pool while playing the game sharks and minnows with Edric. They were swimming with ease. In the near future Titus will probably be doing the same thing…especially if I sit back, relax, let Titus “rise to the occasion” as Edric puts it, and step outside of Edric’s arena so he can better mentor our sons to become men.

In the Garbage

June 12, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 5 Comments

My younger brother, Paul, told a hilarious story about losing his son’s mouth expander and having to hunt through restaurant garbage to find it. I thought the experience had some wonderful spiritual insights to it that I couldn’t resist writing about.

Caleb, my 7 year old nephew, has an expander which his dentist customized for him to give more room for his teeth to come in. For many months, Caleb has been very responsible about his retainer. It has been misplaced but it has never been lost for good, which is quite amazing considering that he has to remove it every time he eats.

During lunch at Brasas in Podium last Sunday, Caleb asked his dad (my brother, Paul) to hold on to his expander while he ate. Paul wrapped it in a tissue and set it aside. It wasn’t until about 4 PM, when my brother’s family was long gone from Podium, that Caleb realized he wasn’t wearing his expander. We had dinner with my parents and Paul requested that the family pray he could find it. The most logical place it would have ended up in was Brasas’ trash. Oh my.

Paul was determined to find it. He knew how important it was to Caleb that he recover the expander, especially since Caleb had entrusted it to him. So off to Podium Paul went that night. Brasas was packed. (It is a great restaurant. We all love it.) Paul asked Brasas’ management if he could go through their trash. I don’t know what they must have been thinking but they agreed, and my brother wouldn’t have taken no for an answer anyway. It would have been very unappetizing to the restaurant guests if he had sorted through the trash there, so he asked Brasas where they usually took their trash. They told him, “Basement 1.”

Dragging three large garbage bags from the restaurant into the service elevator, Paul went to basement 1 to look for the garbage room. The security personnel in the elevator curiously eyed him because it was such a bizarre scene. But my brother was a man on a mission. He really didn’t care what anyone thought.

He found the garbage room, laid out the garbage bags and started sorting through the trash. Logically, he thought of going through the earliest bag that was packed that day since he was one of the first customers. Feeling and squeezing through each discarded tissue he found, he prayed that God would help him.

As he was going through trash bag # 1, he noticed a man come into the garbage room. The man noticed him, too. He kind of looked my brother up and down like, Who are you? What are you doing here? This is weird!

Paul struck up a conversation with him to break the awkward silence. “So what do you do?” he asked casually. The guy said, “I’m the garbage man.” (translated)

“For how long?”

“Just a month because the other guy left.”

Paul was still intensely rummaging through the trash, explaining to the guy that he was looking for his son’s teeth expander. The guy was like, “Is there gold on it?” He was serious! He probably thought Paul was too concerned about his hunt to be searching for anything else! I mean what kind of person spends an evening in the garbage room of a mall unless he is hired to do so?!

The conversation shifted to spiritual matters and Paul talked to the guy about Jesus. He also added, “I believe he (Jesus) will help me find the expander.” And guess what? He did! At the bottom of the first bag, he saw the expander wrapped in the same tissue he had put it in earlier.

I thought it was a crazy story. As we were discussing it today and laughing in between scenes, my dad said it was a great illustration for the biblical stories of “the lost coin and the lost sheep.”

In the Bible, Jesus gave three parables to explain the love of God — the lost sheep, the lost coin and the prodigal son. The first two illustrate the relentless pursuit of something that was lost and the rejoicing that follows when that something is found. What is the worth of a single coin or a sheep among many? Are these things really worth the trouble and sacrifice of the search? As my brother narrated his story, I thought, “Would I have gone through all that to find an expander?!”

Honestly, I would’ve been embarrassed to even ask for the trash bags! And I would not have been able to stomach the ordeal of touching discarded food without gloves on. Paul was persistent in a way that I would not have been. Nothing was going to stop him from accomplishing the goal of finding that expander. His persistence was a great example of how God loves us.

The Bible uses the coin and sheep stories to convey a truth about who God is. Every lost person matters to the Lord. He looks for us. He seeks us out. He is absolutely committed to pursuing us.

Did my brother stick the expander back into his son’s mouth after he took it out of the trash? No way. My sister in law, Jenny, did a major disinfection ceremony to clean it thoroughly. Only then was it ready to be put back inside Caleb’s mouth. Similarly, when God finds us, we must be cleansed by him, purified by his Son, Jesus, to fulfill our original design. We have to leave life in the trash — the trash of sin.

Sometimes we like to stay buried in the “garbage.” Or we don’t even realize what kind of mucky predicament we are in. We are discarded, forgotten, left alone. But God will seek us out to save us and restore us for his greater purpose and plan. He will reach down into the mire to pull us up and out of the lesser life we are so wrapped up in to give us the abundant life he promises.

My brother was ecstatic when he found what he was looking for. It didn’t matter to him that it was among all the spit, saliva, bacteria, left-over and decomposing food. He was thrilled to be reunited with the lost expander.

God is the same way toward us. He is a father whose heart is turned toward us. He is for us. He treasures us. He rejoices over us when we are found!

“When he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” (Luke 15:5-7 NASB)

Are we enjoying his presence, celebrating new life or still stuck in the garbage?

Strawberry Yoghurt

May 24, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 3 Comments

While I struggled with my miserable cold two nights ago, trying to rest in the room alone, a commotion in the kitchen woke me up. With a raised and agitated tone, Titus said, “I don’t want that!” This wasn’t the sound of my usually sweet and happy Titus.

I would have preferred to remain in my rested state and ignore the situation. But I could not willfully do so. Titus had lost his temper. There was an issue that needed to be dealt with. Intervention was in order. So I got up and called him out of the kitchen to talk about what happened.

Apparently, he wanted a strawberry yoghurt drink that ended up in the hands of Edan. He was offered an orange flavored one by our househelp, Joan, which upset him. Edan, on the other hand, was apathetically sipping the last few drops of the coveted drink. Titus looked on with quiet anger, convinced that he had been done a great injustice.

Taking Titus aside, I tried to understand where he was coming from. But my attempt to have a dialogue with him as his two older brothers curiously stood on the sidelines and his youngest sister called out, “Titus is going to get a spanking!” was counterproductive. So I brought Titus to my bedroom.

He thought he was going to get a spanking but my intent was to get to the root of the issue. This was not something that could be solved with a spanking. There was a much deeper problem here. Titus’ spirit was not right. There was hardness and frustration.

He stood in front of me while I sat across from him. We engaged in a conversation that involved me explaining to him why his attitude was wrong, why shouting was not okay, and how he needed to learn to share. His part was to acknowledge and respond in repentance. Did it work? Maybe a little. But I could sense that his compliance was external. It was void of real conviction.

So I called him to my side, hugged him really tightly and said, “Titus, I love you no matter what.” I assured him that I was after his greater good. His countenance softened and he started to tear. All my lecturing had not produced this sort of heart-felt response. It was not until I took him in my arms and held him that I could sense a motivation to change his attitude.

With my arms around him, I went on, “Because I love you, I want to teach you to do what pleases God.” Appealing to his own love for Christ, I reminded him that getting angry and being selfish were wrong behaviors because Jesus didn’t want him to do those things. I asked him what he thought would make Jesus happy and he acknowledged that he had to learn “to share, to say sorry, and that he shouldn’t get angry.” When I was convinced that he sincerely meant this, I let him go back to the kitchen to say sorry to those whom he had hurt.

He walked up to Edan and Joan to ask for forgiveness. There was humility in his tone and disposition, and he bounced back to his smiley, cheerful self. I affirmed him for doing what was right and I peacefully went back to my bedroom to go back to sleep. Strawberry yoghurt training case closed.

—-

Training is such a challenge. First, it takes commitment. Second, it must be personalized. Third, it must be purposeful — the pursuit of Christlikeness. Fourth, it must be cradled by love.

Sometimes, I am tempted to short cut the training part and make behavior the priority. But fruitful discipline and training must seek to restore our children’s hearts to us and to the Lord. It must heal what is broken inside them and be redemptive, effecting much more than behavioral change.

If we want real fruit in our children, we must consider these heart questions: Do our children know that we love them? Are they absolutely convinced that we want what is best for them? Do they love Jesus? Do they know that he loves them?

1 Corinthians 13:8 says that love never fails. When I think of that statement, I think of how it can be applied to training our children. Love does not fail to motivate or inspire change. When our children are convinced that they are loved and accepted, flaws and all, they respond to our teaching. More importantly, when they love Jesus with all that they are, they desire to please him and live for him.

It’s like Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.”(John 14:15 NASB)

Titus painted this earlier on in the day for me. I thought it was a great reminder that our children give us their hearts to handle with care. What are their hearts telling us about their spiritual condition? What are we doing about it?

Multi-level Homeschooling

May 9, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 23 Comments

Homeschooling 4 kids has often elicited the question, “How do you do it?” And I must admit that at times, I think to myself, I have no idea! But, there is some madness to the “science” of teaching more than one child. I don’t claim to have the best methods but I can share what has worked for our family. Hopefully, you can get some ideas on how to homeschool more than one child without going crazy!

The eldest child sets the example. Elijah, my 10 year old, is a sponge when it comes to learning. He loves to learn, primarily through reading literature, story books, encyclopedias, documents, articles, manuals…basically, anything with text. God has gifted him with a capacity to absorb and process information. And I’m saying this not to put him up on a pedestal or myself (he is waaaay smarter than I am). I’m sharing this because the time you spend with your eldest child, before any of the other munchkins come along, is very special. No other child will have as much attention. So maximize the years you have with him.

I would talk to Elijah all the time. He began conversing very early and was speaking whole sentences as a one year old. Edric and I made him attentive to the environment around him by pointing out shapes, numbers, letters, colors, objects, etc. I read to him every single day, several times a day. And I helped him to discover and pursue his interests – dinosaurs, airplanes, origami, and architecture. He was around adults so often, which greater enhanced his communication skills.

His interest in learning began early. And when you have an eldest child who is an eager learner it makes a big difference! He sets a positive and inspiring example for his younger siblings to follow.

Master the essentials. There are at least 10 different subjects that children have to cover in the Philippines. It’s just ridiculous. But only a few skills, in my opinion, are really important – reading, comprehension, the ability to communicate and express one’s thoughts and ideas clearly (writing and speaking falls under this), arithmetic, problem solving, and critical thinking. So, I spend the early years of my children’s education enhancing and developing these basic skills. These are foundational.

I don’t, for example, make penmanship an on-going source of conflict between my children and I. Three boys. They prefer not to do tons of writing work. Is that a big deal to me? Not really. I’m gentle about the whole penmanship issue. Titus is just learning how to write his letters and numbers and he is 5. He knows how to write his numbers better than his letters but he still struggles with writing. Does he know the sounds of the letters and what numbers represent? Yes. Those things are major to me. But being able to write his letters and numbers perfectly…he’ll get there.

I didn’t force Elijah and Edan to do pages and pages of handwriting practice, but they both wanted to do cursive early. Cursive? Boys? Sounds like an oxymoron. Surprisingly, Elijah wanted to try writing in cursive when he was 8. And Edan started practicing his cursive a few months ago. They developed the inclination to do so on their own.

The point is I don’t get hung up on subjects that are of minor importance. I spend more time mastering essential skills.

Add variety to routine. Some materials you may purchase for your child are workbook based and text-booky. That’s not even a word but you know what I mean. If you don’t, then what I mean is these materials can be BORING. Kids do the same thing everyday. There’s no spice.

When you homeschool, you have the liberty to incorporate more creativity, mix and match, add here, take away there, enrich, skim through…In other words, you don’t have to be bound by the curriculum. See it as a guide for what your child needs to cover but don’t make it your bible.

For example, if the book says, “Color the correct answer,” and I know that it is going to take my son 15 minutes to color one object, I will say, “Circle the correct answer.” Why? Because the objective is to find out if my child knows the right answer. I don’t care about the coloring. We can do coloring for art. If he can tell me the answer right away, then I prefer that.

Here’s another example: If your child has to do 30 math problems that pretty much cover the same concept, do they really have to do all 30 problems? I ask them to do 15 out of the 30. And if they can answer those 15 problems correctly, I don’t require them to do the next 15. But if they have a lot of errors, then I know they need more practice or I need to review the concept with them.

With language arts, I mix it up for the boys. Sometimes, I allow them to dictate the answers to their questions. Other times, I will take turns writing sentences with them. On other occasions, I will allow them to use the computer. Or, I will ask them to complete the writing assignment on their own but motivate them with an incentive for finishing. It really depends on the circumstance.

Encourage independent reading and research. I’ve often told my children that reading unlocks the door of knowledge. Once they learn how to read well (with comprehension), they can answer their what, why, and how questions without being dependent on me. If they know how to read, they can be taught how to research.

When Elijah wants to go in depth about a topic that he is curious about, I let him research on the Internet or we get more books. I don’t spoon-feed him by being the source all the time. And the truth is, sometimes I can’t answer his questions because I don’t know enough about the topic.

The other day, he wanted to learn about venomous snakes in the Philippines. I put the computer in front of him and said, “Here, research about snakes in the Philippines and we will print out your findings.” He showed me his findings after 30 minutes and was very pleased with himself. I was too. All I had to do was press print!

For a while, I required Edan to read a children’s encyclopedia because he needed to improve his vocabulary. I asked him to read a couple of pages everyday as part of his work. Since he was a reader but I didn’t have the time to do intensive vocabulary instruction, I handed him the book and he reinforced his vocabulary on his own.

Keep everyone preoccupied with productive activity when it is work time. I do the academics with my kids in the morning. But since they are all at different levels, I can’t have them all sitting at desks quietly doing work on their own. This would be ideal and magical but it doesn’t always happen that way. So I have to plan the day by having independent writing or reading work for one child, while I dialogue or teach another. And then we do a switcheroo.

I usually lay out Elijah’s work on a table, in a private area where the noise pollution is minimal. He is an auditory learner so sounds are a distraction. When he is finished reading his Bible, he will proceed to work independently because I mark all the pages he has to cover with tabs. If he has questions, I can come over to his side to answer them. But usually, he doesn’t need me too much for this part of his day.

While Elijah is busy, I will spend time with Titus. In a period of about 45 minutes, we cover math, writing, reading, Bible, and a bit of science. In the meantime, Edan will be assigned to teach Tiana in yet another room. Since Tiana, my two year old, wants to be included in our daily homeschooling routine, she always comes up to me and says, “Mom, can I do my work? Where’s my work?” The thing is, I need to prioritize the older kids. So, I ask Edan to help me out.

Edan is my teacher’s assistant, something that he is very good at. He will very patiently teach and explain to her basic concepts. While he does so, I handle my two other boys. And then Titus and Edan switch places. Titus will have break time with Tiana, playing, doing art, or using manipulatives, so I can give attention to Edan and Elijah.

If Elijah finishes quite a bit of work and needs a break, I let him do Kahn Academy online. He likes to do the math and computer programming. It keeps him very engaged. This frees me up to be with Edan. We do his math and language arts together and then I can give him sit down work with his science notebook or character journal. While he is doing sit-down work and doesn’t need me hovering around him, I discuss science and history with Elijah.

It’s a little bit of a juggling act but we finish by noon most of the time. After lunch, the younger kids nap, and I can continue working with Elijah and Edan if necessary. Or, they have quiet reading time in their room. This is when I get my own personal space to write or even take a nap myself!

By mid-afternoon when all major responsibilities are covered, the kids can play or practice their violin.

Make character instruction a priority. The kids cooperate with our routines because they have internalized obedience. It would be difficult to handle four children without going insane if they didn’t obey, listen, and respond to my instruction. I don’t have to force them to work because they are willing to learn. They are teachable. There are days when they don’t have the best attitudes but that is normal. They still need training.

Edric and I spend a lot of their earlier years (between 1 and 3) instilling obedience. And we introduce them to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior early, too. So, by the time they are 4, 5, 6, 7, we can move on to other traits like responsibility, having the right attitude, attentiveness, hard-work, self-control, kindness, etc., because they have a reason to internalize these traits – to please God.

I don’t think it is possible to have peaceful homeschooling if parents neglect character. At the end of the day, this is the key to teaching several children effectively and enjoying them, too!

Proverbs 23:24-26 The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice, and he who sires a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and your mother be glad, And let her rejoice who gave birth to you. Give me your heart, my son, And let your eyes delight in my ways.

Pajama Stocks

April 25, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 28 Comments

We sat around the dinner table with family some time ago and my brother in law, Joel, found out that Elijah started investing in the stock market last year. Elijah talked about what companies he had picked to invest in and the rational behind his choices. And he said this all while wearing pajamas. It just seemed a little bit funny I suppose, that a 9 year old (this was before he turned 10), would be chatting about financial investments. So Joel said, “Why don’t you write an article about it and call it ‘Pajama Stocks.’” I thought…that’s a great title. I love it. But I had put it off until today, when Edric asked me to have Elijah share about how he ventured into it to encourage parents to teach their kids to start being financially literate early.

Here is what he wrote (with some help from me):

I first became interested in financial markets two years ago. My dad had asked me if I wanted to invest in stocks and we did some research together online to understand the process better. My dad told me to fill out the online form of Citisec but I actually lost the form and forgot about it.

It wasn’t until last year, when I was 9, that I became interested again, especially since my dad was hosting a money show. He would talk about financial investments often. And since he promised to help me set up an account, he told me that I would join a stock seminar with him so we could do it together. By then, the name of Citisec online had changed to COL Financial.

I was so excited and nervous. I was in a room with a lot of adults, including my dad and I was the youngest person attending the seminar. The seminar took about two hours. It was very interesting. I learned about tips on investing and how the stock market works, and what companies were performing the best at that time.

For example, I learned that Jollibee had grown 40% from 2009 to 2011 because they kept reinventing. And a lot of people like to eat in Jollibee. The seminar was like a homeschool lesson for me.

When we got home, my dad told me he would give me a fund to work with but I had to do research. A lot of research. For one whole day I looked up different companies from different categories, like financial, services, industrial, property, holding firms, and mining and oil. All this information is available on pse.com.ph. My dad also gave me some advice. I was also able to study the background history of a few companies to track their performance over the years. What really helped me were the charts that showed how the companies have performed over time because I could see changes, gains and loses. One company even lost 500%! I am not going to tell you which one?

Several weeks later, while my dad and I were having one on one bonding time, he helped me set up my account and invest in my top picks. I chose BDO, BPI, Ayala Corporation, Aboitiz, Globe, and Ayala Land. Recently, I also added Meralco. My main criteria was to get companies that went up steadily for the last two years because I intended to do long term investments. That’s why I didn’t invest in mining and oil. I found their performances too wild.

The one exception was the company 2Go, which I plan to use for market timing. It will just be a short-term investment and experiment. Since it’s passport season for people going on vacation, I hope that its stocks will go up so I can sell them.

Since I invested in stocks last December, by God’s grace, my stocks have grown. I’ve earned a little bit of money and it makes me more excited. It also makes me realize that earning money is not easy!

Now, when my parents or people give me money, I think of how I can invest it again or, okay, buy online books because I love to read.

I’m still learning a lot about the stock market and actually, I just invested a small amount to get experience compared to what older people do. But I put it in as much as my dad gave me because he told me it’s not good to leave money lying idle in an account. It won’t grow. In the COL seminar, I learned that inflation rates are higher than interest rates. So it’s not good to leave money in a bank account, either.

I’m thankful for this experience. And I think it would be helpful for other kids to learn how to manage money, too. We don’t have to wait until we are older. The earlier we start, the more time our investment has to grow.

I’m praying that my investments will grow if it’s God’s will so that someday I can use it to bless others, to tithe, and to save.

___

I’m embarrassed to admit that Elijah knows way more than I do about the stock market. One evening, when a female relative asked him why he didn’t invest in their company, Elijah replied, “Honestly, your company doesn’t have historicals in the PSE yet, and if you look at your growth last year, you only grew by 0.2%.” Everyone who was within ear-shot of this conversation started to laugh out loud. I was slightly floored. Who are you?! I thought, looking at Elijah. At the same time, I realized that homeschoolers have unique opportunities that other children don’t have. They have the advantage of time to pursue interests. Elijah would be swamped with homework if he were a 4th grade student in a conventional school. However, our homeschooling lifestyle allows him to explore and learn beyond books.

Some years ago, I created a tagline for one of TMA Homeschool’s advertisements, “The World is My Classroom. Is it Yours?” Just like his siblings, Elijah surprises me with lessons learned that are beyond the scope of what I have taught. It’s humbling and encouraging at the same time to know that my children are not limited by what I can give as a teacher. This is one of the benefits of homeschooling — children have access to a world of experiences that no other conventional classroom can possibly give them.

Another Dimension to Love

April 20, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 2 Comments

One of the things that has allowed Edric and I to grow closer to one another is serving the Lord. We are both burdened to minister to young couples and young families. Although we don’t say yes to every speaking engagement we are invited to, we have had many opportunities to team-teach. He usually does most of the teaching and I come in to share real-life examples from our marriage and parenting.

Just this past weekend, we spoke once again at the Before I Do Seminar organized by Imagine Nation Photography. This is a something we do at least twice a year. And every time, it is a joy to share marriage principles that have helped us stay together. These are bible-based principles on God’s Design for Marriage, Marital Roles, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Finances and Sex in Marriage. We don’t do all the speaking but Edric usually handles the first part of the day.

Whenever we finish the seminar, Edric will often say, “I really enjoy serving the Lord with you.” And I feel the same way.

The spiritual dimension of a marriage is key. It’s easy to become so self-focused and relationship-centric when you are a wife or husband. The tendency is to manage your own concerns, issues, and fulfill your own needs and wants. But then what? What’s next? This can get boring after a while or even, implosive.

I believe that one of the reasons why God brings two people together in marriage is to assemble a “dream team” that can better serve him and others. It always amazes me how a husband and wife can complement and support each other’s strengths and weaknesses. In so many of the effectively ministering couples at our church, they share this dynamic. If a husband is not organized, the wife tends to be. If a wife is more introverted, the husband tends to be more outgoing and personable.

When Edric and I got married, he was the more extroverted one. It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy people. I just preferred my personal space and quiet. But I married a man who is charismatic, energetic, and a very good public speaker. He knows how to connect with all kinds of people. So this had a positive effect on the more reserved me. His example encouraged me to reach out to others and go outside of my comfort zone.

As for his public speaking, being on stage came naturally, but he had to learn how to really meditate on God’s word and dig deep for insights. This is where I came in as his helpmate. Because I am more of the reflective thinker, he would practice his messages on me and I would comment and help him to refine his content. In turn, he would help me work on my presentation skills and teach me how to develop better rapport with an audience.

The greater gift of being in ministry together is the accountability. Edric and I have to be careful about consistency. If we are going to talk about biblical principles on marriage or parenting, we need to be living these out ourselves. It certainly makes us consider the areas where we might be in danger of hypocrisy or the ways we need to improve. Otherwise, we know that it’s all cheap talk and meaningless to transform lives. How can God possibly use us if we aren’t applying his truth ourselves?

Just the week before we spoke at the Before I Do Seminar, we had some friction. Almost immediately, I recognized it as a spiritual attack and Edric did, too. But, we were busy and preoccupied with personal matters, so we let the issues linger longer than they should have. Anyway, it got to a point where we weren’t really communicating. We were intentionally dismissing one another because we were both irritated. But how could we remain this way? In just a few days we were going to be in front of a group of 80 people to tell them how amazing it is when you have God at the center of your marriage! So we both came together to identify the root issue – neither of us was spirit-filled. We were reacting to circumstances and to one another selfishly and with pride. After reconciling, we went out on a wonderful date the night before our talk and intimacy was restored. The next day, we stood up before an audience without pretense, not putting on a façade of “we have it all together”, but acknowledging that it is truly the Lord who has made the difference in our relationship.

Unfortunately, I don’t think many marriages are around long enough these days to look back in hindsight at the journey God meant for them to take as a team. They often miss out on the adventure even before it starts. I really felt like the best part of my marriage to Edric began a couple of years after we really figured out what God wanted us to do for him. Before then, it was too much about what I wanted and what Edric wanted, and blah, blah, blah. It wasn’t until we recognized that God ordained our partnership for a greater reason beyond the island that is our marriage that there began to be real depth to our relationship — that we didn’t just exist for ourselves and our own dreams.

Couples really ought to discover what their shared burdens are. Or better yet, singles should marry someone who has the same convictions and passion for ministry. There are so many needs out there — orphans, widows, the poor, marriage and family counseling, access to better education, housing, and opportunities for the underprivileged, etc. How can we use our talents and resources to be a blessing, to serve others? To glorify God?

I really believe the greatest intimacy any couple can share goes beyond the mental, physical and emotional aspect of their relationship. Personally speaking, the spiritual alignment of Edric’s heart with mine and with the Lord’s has been the most definitive aspect of who we are as husband and wife, and I would even say…the most beautiful.

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45 NASB)

Dealing with the Resistance

April 11, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 5 Comments

Given the “break” we have had from homeschooling because of no househelp, I have been trying to get my kids back into the habit of studying. Since they have gotten used to having the liberty to dictate their personal schedules instead of sitting down in the mornings for their usual studies, I find myself having to deal with complaining and negativity. And these are attitudes that I absolutely do not allow my children to get away with.

Today was one of those days when my second son, Edan, put up a resistance. He slumped over his science notebook and started writing in chicken scratch. This is very uncharacteristic of him. As a very diligent child, he will more often than not assess his goals for the day, tackle them one by one, asking for help when needed but finishing it all by noon. Instead, he was holding the pencil begrudgingly, like he was being tortured, and his demeanor was a picture of negativity.

Recognizing that his heart wasn’t right, I asked him to step out of the room and pray about his attitude. When he was ready, he could come back in and resume his work. I wasn’t about to struggle through the morning with him. When he left, I focused on Elijah, Titus and Tiana, trusting that at some point, he would “crack.”

Well, he took longer than expected. In fact, my eldest son, Elijah, who has gone through the same process of taking time away to think through his attitude, commented, “What’s wrong with him? He is being defiant.” Several times, he checked the door out of concern to see if Edan was coming back. I responded with, “Don’t worry about him. Just focus on what you need to get done. God will speak to him.”

In thirty minutes, Edan snuck back in but not to do work. He sprawled himself out on the sofa like I was not serious about what I had said. “I am sorry but you can only come in here if you are going to do your work. If you are going to lounge around like that, you have to go back into the other room.” He walked out and started to cry – a wailing sort of cry that had anger mixed into it.

I know Edan. He tends to be quiet but he can be just as strong-willed and bullheaded as his other siblings. They all need training and discipline to learn submission to authority, respect, and other important character traits that are necessary for life success so I have to be lovingly tough when necessary to help them grow in these areas.

I knew this was a resistance. He was putting up a “fight.” At any point he could have said sorry and gone right back to what he had to do. But he was trying to escape responsibility.

After a while, he tried to make his constructive exile a little more comfortable, so he picked up a book to read. He also called out, “I am hungry.” My, my.

I went into the room he was in and spoke with him. “I want you to know that you will be in here all day if necessary until you realize that you have to fulfill your responsibilities. That means that you don’t get to eat, read, play, or do anything until you change your attitude.”

He looked at me and started to wail again. Of course he was upset. But it was his choice to draw out his “suffering.” I don’t always have to use spanking as a form of discipline when withdrawal of privileges or natural logical consequences will work just fine. In this case, Edan had to realize that he was free to choose but not free to escape the consequences of his choices. So I let him cry in the room and process his attitude. In the meantime, I went back to teaching my three other kids.

Well, what do you know, in fifteen minutes Edan opened the door and approached me. “I am sorry, ” he said with all sincerity. He gave me a big hug and I embraced him tightly.

“I forgive you. Mommy loves you so much.”

I held him for a while longer and asked if he prayed about his attitude. “I also said sorry to God,” was his reply. He was smiling, happy, and a transformed person. He finished what he had to without a complaining spirit.

Personally, I have experienced how much more effective it is to let my kids acknowledge their wrong and make a personal choice to repent and correct their emotions rather than force them to do their homeschool work when their hearts aren’t ready.

Learning is a privileged experience for those who are eager and willing to be taught. And I want my kids to realize this. My job is not to force them to learn or work hard. I may encourage and motivate them, but my greater job is to cultivate in them a heart that is teachable and responsive to instruction, a heart that desires to please God. And this is a supernatural task. I can’t do it on my own power. By inviting the Holy Spirit to speak to them when they put up a resistance, I am acknowledging my own limitations and dependence on him to work in their hearts. If I were to push them to learn I can imagine that it would only make me angry in a counterproductive way (to say the least).

The more kids I have and the more of them I have to homeschool, the more I realize that only the Lord can convict them of sin and only he can bring about lasting change in them. My part is to remain committed to help them grow spiritually — more in love with God and more like Christ — and to be Christ-like myself (which is often the harder challenge!).

Proverbs 13:1 A wise son accepts his father’s discipline, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.

Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death.

Future Home

April 7, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 16 Comments

Nearly four months ago we started building our home. I will probably give birth before we are able to move in but that’s alright. We can squeeze in one more baby in our condo for a few more months until our house is finished. It’s been such a blessing to witness God’s faithfulness on this project. Today, Edric and I went to visit the site to take some pictures. I don’t know if it is genetically wired into me to like construction materials since my dad is a real estate developer but I found so many interesting things to photograph!

Balloons and Marriage

March 30, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 18 Comments

Balloons were 50 pesos each

Just when I think I have gotten submission to Edric, I end up making some sort of silly compromise in this area that gets me into trouble!

Yesterday, my brother, Peter, and I went hunting for restaurants that were open. Given that it was Holy Week, we had several fails. But we were on a mission to find anything, something to feed the 20 people that were hanging out in his house — nieces, nephews, and adults. We were happy to discover that KFC was open. And in the parking lot, there was a man selling character balloons. Yippee! Peter and I both thought the younger children would like them. I bought a dolphin and Minnie Mouse for Titus and Tiana. And he got Dora, Strawberry Shortcake and Lighting McQueen.

We got back to his place with KFC and the balloons. As expected, the kids screamed with delight. For about fifteen minutes they were running around with their balloons, and afterwards, they kept them tied to their fingers or hands.

Naturally, when it was time to go home, the kids wanted to bring their balloons with them.

Addressing the kids, Edric said, “No. Leave them here. You can play with them when you come back.”

From across the room, I thought, Come back? These are balloons. They won’t keep their helium for much longer than a few days. Why does he have to make such an inane suggestion? What a party pooper! Why am I thinking about my wonderful husband with such criticism?!

Well, I offered my opinion on the matter. “I think they should just bring the balloons, hon.”

We didn’t have the chance to debate about the pros and cons of keeping the balloons because we were rushing to get home, so Edric didn’t insist on leaving the balloons. Yeah! That’s not really being insubordinate, right? I simply expressed my conviction in a sweet manner. He didn’t really say no afterwards.

On the way to the car, he asked me why I bought the balloons in the first place. He thought it was a waste of money and he couldn’t believe I got suckered into buying them. Okay, I was kind of suckered. They weren’t too cheap. But it was worth the smiles I saw on the kids’ faces. (To a husband who hosts a money show this was not a compelling reason. He certainly loves our children but balloons would not be his way of showing it.)

We managed to get home without the balloons blocking his rear view mirror and all was quiet until…

In the evening, our nieces and nephews came over for dinner. They brought their balloons over, too! What fun! It was going really well until Titus dragged all the balloons and they snagged on a huge, glass vase that I had on display in the living room. Without thinking, he yanked and yanked at the strings and CRASH! The vase fell and shattered. It was quite an expensive one, too.

The vase was a gift during our wedding. Sigh.

Since I was in the bedroom, I came out to inspect what happened. I saw Titus on the verge of tears, the vase destroyed, and little kids trying to run away from the glass shards that had scattered everywhere. Thankfully, no one was injured.

After reassuring Titus that it wasn’t his fault, that it was an accident, and getting the kids out of harms way so the mess could be cleaned up, I walked the hallway back to the bedroom where I knew my judgment awaited. Oh dear. I couldn’t help but think how in trouble I would be when Edric found out what caused all the chaos. And sure enough, I received exactly what I deserved. “Hon, this wouldn’t have happened if you had obeyed me,” Edric said.

Lord, do my mistakes have to be so dramatically magnified?! Is submission this serious a command? Over balloons! Why are you so strict with me?! Waahhh.

I’ve written stories about the blessings of submission and the pitfalls of not obeying my husband, and still, here I am, a work in progress. I am reminded that God does not only transforms a person’s mindset, desires, purpose, and destiny – he is a refiner. This means he is committed to refining my character daily, in big and small ways.

After all, the standard for character is himself, not my spouse, or friends, or Hollywood (oh my), or cultural norms, or trends… He loves me too much to allow me to remain myself, to plateau, to just cruise along, to stagnate, or even digress. Nothing slips his notice and watchful gaze. So if it means using balloons and marriage as an object lesson to teach me greater obedience, well, that’s what he will do!

Psalm 66:8-10 Bless our God, O peoples, and sound His praise abroad, who keeps us in life and does not allow our feet to slip. For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined.

No Favorites Allowed!

March 24, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 20 Comments

My children keenly observe the differences between what one sibling is allowed to do and what another is not allowed to do. “How come so-and-so can play with the Ipad? What about me, can I play, too?” Their demands for equal treatment often fail to consider the bigger picture. Edric and I have reasons for our decisions that we may not always be able to explain. All they need to know is that we are after their greater good. But it can be tricky navigating the “fairness” issue. We don’t want any of them to ever feel like we have favorites.

I have seen the detrimental effects of favoritism carried into adulthood — how it causes long term emotional damage and leaves painful, unmet longings. Just read through countless stories in the bible where parents played favorites and made a negative impact on the course of history! Sure, God’s grace can redeem bad parenting, but he hasn’t designed families to be the breeding ground for jealousy, envy, strife, ugly comparing and hurt that result from one child feeling less loved or another feeling more important and more valued than his or her siblings.

While I believe that most parents are well-meaning, sometimes we can be ignorant of the way our actions affect our children. We don’t mean to favor one child over another but it can come across that way. And if we don’t make it absolutely clear that we love each of our kids the same; that they are all special and equally cherished by us, they can possibly misconstrue some of the things we do as unfair or favoritism.

For example, Edric and I train our kids to put themselves to bed. With the exception of Elijah, who was our first, we sleep-trained the rest of our brood by 3 months. When they were 6 or 8 months old they could be put down awake and they would fall asleep on their own. This certainly made my life easier! I wasn’t such a zombie and my evenings were free to spend with Edric.

Recently, however, my 2-year old Tiana wanted me to hold her in my arms to fall asleep. Since I was trying to transition her from finger-sucking and the soon-to-be loss of her yaya, I would allow this. In fact, I welcomed doing this because my motivations were to help her stop sucking her fingers. Within fifteen minutes or so she would be knocked out, her head tucked into my arm, and Edric or myself would carry her to her bed.

The other boys noticed that Tiana got this extra time with me. On one of the evenings when the kids wanted to linger in our bedroom for a little longer past their bedtime, I told them they had to go to their room. They hadn’t napped in the afternoon and they were playing with friends all evening so they had to sleep earlier than usual. They saw Tiana tucked under our bed covers and she wasn’t asked to leave but they were. It must have looked very “unfair.” But, the boys obeyed like good soldiers and walked off to get ready for bed. After a few seconds, I heard one of them cry. It didn’t sound like Titus or Elijah, so I thought, that is Edan.

“Tiana, wait for mommy, I will be back.” I went out to peek into their room where I saw Edan curled up with a pillow between his legs and his eyes were red. I climbed into his bed to hug him and asked, “What’s wrong, hon?” I had my suspicions. He was quiet so I waited.

Edric came in to pray with the kids, holding Tiana in his arms. He too wanted to know what was wrong and asked Edan to explain. In between sobs, Edan finally blurted out, “Tiana gets to sleep in your room.” Edric understood how he was feeling so that night, he put Tiana in her own bed and he let me deal with Edan. Tiana whimpered for a bit but eventually closed her eyes. She was fine.

In the meantime, I stayed with Edan and kept hugging him. He started to smile. When I asked him if he was okay, he nodded. I assured him that I love all of them the same…that I have no favorites, that they are all special to me. For about ten minutes, I stayed on Edan’s bed and wrapped my arms around him. I thought he might want me to stay until he dosed off but when I asked him if I could go back to my own room he was absolutely agreeable. He didn’t act needy. All he wanted to know was that he was just as important to me as his sister was.

The next morning, Edric talked to the children about the idea of fairness while we were in the car coming home from church. He explained to the boys that expecting mom and dad to treat everyone in the family the same is not a healthy expectation.

“Sometimes, I may choose to give something to one of you but not give it to another. Other times, one of you may get to do something that another will not. And if you are always comparing and thinking it’s not fair you will be very unhappy. We love all of you the same. You need to have an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful when one of your siblings gets something that you don’t. Be happy for them and don’t compare.” He explained to them that they need to trust us to decide what is fair.

The reality is, we may not always be able to be “fair” based on their perceptions. For example, we don’t always buy presents that cost the same. That may seem unfair. But we think about what each of them needs and what suits their personality. Some of our children were spanked more than others and that might seem unfair. However, each one of them needs to be disciplined in a personal way because they have their own character issues. One child may learn obedience faster and another may be more resistant to authority.

Therefore, the challenge is not to focus on being fair but to discern what is best, for their good. God does the same with us. He offers us his unconditional love and acceptance (that doesn’t change), but he allows us to go through individual trials and he blesses us in accordance with what he deems as beneficial. It can be tempting to say, “God is not fair,” when he is actually acting in love, consistent with his nature. We simply do not understand the bigger picture…that he is always concerned about developing Christ-like character in us and orienting us toward eternity. When we fail to recognize this, we can be resentful and develop notions about God as someone who doesn’t care, who isn’t personal, who is a cosmic kill-joy. His grand purpose and who he is reveal otherwise.

Unlike God, however, Edric and I need to pray for wisdom so we can be sensitive about the attention, affirmation, affection, and attitudes we have toward our kids.

Do our kids know that we love them all unconditionally? Are they aware that we don’t make comparisons or judgements that make them feel like we prefer one over the other? Do certain actions or statements that we make cause them to harbor resentment or nurse insecurities? Is it absolutely certain in their minds that we make choices for their greater good?

Was it fair for Tiana to fall asleep in our bedroom? That evening, when Edan felt badly about it, it may not have seemed so. But once the kids understood the greater context — that she was in the process of being weaned from finger sucking and in transition with the soon-to-be loss of her yaya, they knew why we were doing it. And they cooperated with that temporary phase in her life.

The day after Edan broke down, I took him out on a date. I told him we would have one-on-one time to go and buy art supplies. He was thrilled. Did Elijah feel a little bit left out? Yes. But he understood that Edan needed some attention from me at that point. So he told me he would be busy reading Tolkein’s Fellowship of the Ring. Titus and Tiana had to take naps so they didn’t notice my absence.

There is no once size fits all approach to parenting our kids. There are biblical principles that remain the same, that we apply in our parenting, but we always have to consider the nuances, peculiarities, personalities, strengths and weaknesses of our children. And then we customize the way we reach out to them, minister to their needs, train and disciple them. While the approach and style may be modified, the intent must always be for their greater good, to cause them to fall more in love with Jesus. But every step of the way, we must rely on God’s wisdom and guidance so that each of our kids feels confidently loved by us and secure in our relationship with them.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. (James 3:17 NASB)