Obedience

Strawberry Yoghurt

May 24, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 3 Comments

While I struggled with my miserable cold two nights ago, trying to rest in the room alone, a commotion in the kitchen woke me up. With a raised and agitated tone, Titus said, “I don’t want that!” This wasn’t the sound of my usually sweet and happy Titus.

I would have preferred to remain in my rested state and ignore the situation. But I could not willfully do so. Titus had lost his temper. There was an issue that needed to be dealt with. Intervention was in order. So I got up and called him out of the kitchen to talk about what happened.

Apparently, he wanted a strawberry yoghurt drink that ended up in the hands of Edan. He was offered an orange flavored one by our househelp, Joan, which upset him. Edan, on the other hand, was apathetically sipping the last few drops of the coveted drink. Titus looked on with quiet anger, convinced that he had been done a great injustice.

Taking Titus aside, I tried to understand where he was coming from. But my attempt to have a dialogue with him as his two older brothers curiously stood on the sidelines and his youngest sister called out, “Titus is going to get a spanking!” was counterproductive. So I brought Titus to my bedroom.

He thought he was going to get a spanking but my intent was to get to the root of the issue. This was not something that could be solved with a spanking. There was a much deeper problem here. Titus’ spirit was not right. There was hardness and frustration.

He stood in front of me while I sat across from him. We engaged in a conversation that involved me explaining to him why his attitude was wrong, why shouting was not okay, and how he needed to learn to share. His part was to acknowledge and respond in repentance. Did it work? Maybe a little. But I could sense that his compliance was external. It was void of real conviction.

So I called him to my side, hugged him really tightly and said, “Titus, I love you no matter what.” I assured him that I was after his greater good. His countenance softened and he started to tear. All my lecturing had not produced this sort of heart-felt response. It was not until I took him in my arms and held him that I could sense a motivation to change his attitude.

With my arms around him, I went on, “Because I love you, I want to teach you to do what pleases God.” Appealing to his own love for Christ, I reminded him that getting angry and being selfish were wrong behaviors because Jesus didn’t want him to do those things. I asked him what he thought would make Jesus happy and he acknowledged that he had to learn “to share, to say sorry, and that he shouldn’t get angry.” When I was convinced that he sincerely meant this, I let him go back to the kitchen to say sorry to those whom he had hurt.

He walked up to Edan and Joan to ask for forgiveness. There was humility in his tone and disposition, and he bounced back to his smiley, cheerful self. I affirmed him for doing what was right and I peacefully went back to my bedroom to go back to sleep. Strawberry yoghurt training case closed.

—-

Training is such a challenge. First, it takes commitment. Second, it must be personalized. Third, it must be purposeful — the pursuit of Christlikeness. Fourth, it must be cradled by love.

Sometimes, I am tempted to short cut the training part and make behavior the priority. But fruitful discipline and training must seek to restore our children’s hearts to us and to the Lord. It must heal what is broken inside them and be redemptive, effecting much more than behavioral change.

If we want real fruit in our children, we must consider these heart questions: Do our children know that we love them? Are they absolutely convinced that we want what is best for them? Do they love Jesus? Do they know that he loves them?

1 Corinthians 13:8 says that love never fails. When I think of that statement, I think of how it can be applied to training our children. Love does not fail to motivate or inspire change. When our children are convinced that they are loved and accepted, flaws and all, they respond to our teaching. More importantly, when they love Jesus with all that they are, they desire to please him and live for him.

It’s like Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.”(John 14:15 NASB)

Titus painted this earlier on in the day for me. I thought it was a great reminder that our children give us their hearts to handle with care. What are their hearts telling us about their spiritual condition? What are we doing about it?

Balloons and Marriage

March 30, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 18 Comments

Balloons were 50 pesos each

Just when I think I have gotten submission to Edric, I end up making some sort of silly compromise in this area that gets me into trouble!

Yesterday, my brother, Peter, and I went hunting for restaurants that were open. Given that it was Holy Week, we had several fails. But we were on a mission to find anything, something to feed the 20 people that were hanging out in his house — nieces, nephews, and adults. We were happy to discover that KFC was open. And in the parking lot, there was a man selling character balloons. Yippee! Peter and I both thought the younger children would like them. I bought a dolphin and Minnie Mouse for Titus and Tiana. And he got Dora, Strawberry Shortcake and Lighting McQueen.

We got back to his place with KFC and the balloons. As expected, the kids screamed with delight. For about fifteen minutes they were running around with their balloons, and afterwards, they kept them tied to their fingers or hands.

Naturally, when it was time to go home, the kids wanted to bring their balloons with them.

Addressing the kids, Edric said, “No. Leave them here. You can play with them when you come back.”

From across the room, I thought, Come back? These are balloons. They won’t keep their helium for much longer than a few days. Why does he have to make such an inane suggestion? What a party pooper! Why am I thinking about my wonderful husband with such criticism?!

Well, I offered my opinion on the matter. “I think they should just bring the balloons, hon.”

We didn’t have the chance to debate about the pros and cons of keeping the balloons because we were rushing to get home, so Edric didn’t insist on leaving the balloons. Yeah! That’s not really being insubordinate, right? I simply expressed my conviction in a sweet manner. He didn’t really say no afterwards.

On the way to the car, he asked me why I bought the balloons in the first place. He thought it was a waste of money and he couldn’t believe I got suckered into buying them. Okay, I was kind of suckered. They weren’t too cheap. But it was worth the smiles I saw on the kids’ faces. (To a husband who hosts a money show this was not a compelling reason. He certainly loves our children but balloons would not be his way of showing it.)

We managed to get home without the balloons blocking his rear view mirror and all was quiet until…

In the evening, our nieces and nephews came over for dinner. They brought their balloons over, too! What fun! It was going really well until Titus dragged all the balloons and they snagged on a huge, glass vase that I had on display in the living room. Without thinking, he yanked and yanked at the strings and CRASH! The vase fell and shattered. It was quite an expensive one, too.

The vase was a gift during our wedding. Sigh.

Since I was in the bedroom, I came out to inspect what happened. I saw Titus on the verge of tears, the vase destroyed, and little kids trying to run away from the glass shards that had scattered everywhere. Thankfully, no one was injured.

After reassuring Titus that it wasn’t his fault, that it was an accident, and getting the kids out of harms way so the mess could be cleaned up, I walked the hallway back to the bedroom where I knew my judgment awaited. Oh dear. I couldn’t help but think how in trouble I would be when Edric found out what caused all the chaos. And sure enough, I received exactly what I deserved. “Hon, this wouldn’t have happened if you had obeyed me,” Edric said.

Lord, do my mistakes have to be so dramatically magnified?! Is submission this serious a command? Over balloons! Why are you so strict with me?! Waahhh.

I’ve written stories about the blessings of submission and the pitfalls of not obeying my husband, and still, here I am, a work in progress. I am reminded that God does not only transforms a person’s mindset, desires, purpose, and destiny – he is a refiner. This means he is committed to refining my character daily, in big and small ways.

After all, the standard for character is himself, not my spouse, or friends, or Hollywood (oh my), or cultural norms, or trends… He loves me too much to allow me to remain myself, to plateau, to just cruise along, to stagnate, or even digress. Nothing slips his notice and watchful gaze. So if it means using balloons and marriage as an object lesson to teach me greater obedience, well, that’s what he will do!

Psalm 66:8-10 Bless our God, O peoples, and sound His praise abroad, who keeps us in life and does not allow our feet to slip. For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined.

When They Don’t Get Their Candy

December 4, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 14 Comments

From time to time parents ask me how to discipline a child who is misbehaving. They want to know if spanking is the solution. Some wonder about time-outs. Others propose dialoguing with their child and reasoning with them.

I really am no expert. My kids are still a work in progress but I do want to share a truth that has helped Edric and I to understand the why behind disciplining our kids. All children have a fundamental problem. It’s called sin.

No matter how cute or angelic they may seem as little babies, children will disobey or misbehave at some point. Some are more obvious in their defiance, others may be subtle and quiet about it. As parents, we have to realize that our children were born with fallen natures — a propensity for rebellion against God and his ordained authorities (for example, mom and dad.) According to the book of Proverbs, folly is bound up in the heart of a child.

John Rosemond, most well-read parenting expert in America, says that the earlier a parent realizes that their sweet darling is born with the capacity for wrong and evil, the better they will understand their role as parents in shaping the character of their children and disciplining them. I have softened the language a bit because he outrightly says that kids were born bad. His point, however, is that children need discipline and training. There is no shortcut to raising well-behaved children.

Although a psychologist himself, Rosemond threw away the mumbo-jumbo theories that surfaced in the 1960s which revolutionized the way parents began to raise their children. He calls it “the big wet blanket of psychobabble that has smothered parenting common sense.” He believes that disregarding the traditional approaches to raising children was a big mistake and we are seeing the detrimental affects today.

According to Rosemond, “Fifty years ago, it was unheard of for a child who had reached aged three to hit his parents; today, it is not unusual to find children five and six years of age who are hitting their parents (usually their northers) on a regular basis. Biting is another example of culture wide disciplinary decay…Fifty years ago, children were mischievous, but the rare child was belligerently defiant; today, the once-rare insolent child is everywhere. Fifty years ago, tantrums had stopped by age three. Today, it’s not at all unusual for children still to be having major emotional meltdowns well into their elementary school years.”

Over the weekend, I was asked to counsel a 10 year old child who hardly looked at me in the eye. I couldn’t get through to her. She remained hard and cold towards me. A 10 year old! I couldn’t help her because she refused to be helped. She rejected my attempts at reaching out to her. I actually found it very disrespectful and insolent. But a part of me also felt very sad. How do children get to that point? The best I could do was pray for her. According to the woman who was with her it was a wonder that she didn’t kick me while I was praying.

Personally, I believe that when parents move away from biblical parenting, we tend to get lost in all the popular theories that are circulating in the world today and become ineffective at raising our children. We don’t have a clear goal or a clear roadmap.

Two years ago, I struggled with parenting my third son, Titus. He was a very curious child but at times this curiosity would make him dismantle toys, tear up his books, break household items, write on walls and objects that he shouldn’t write on, and get himself into predicaments that were precarious.

There were many occasions when this deeply aggravated me and it put a strain on our relationship, but these things were not really the challenging part. It was his attitude. He was determined to get his way and would defy authority figures when he was told “No.”

Edric and I had to assess our parenting style, our methods and our goals because it was getting a bit overwhelming trying to deal with Titus. To keep it simple, we went back to a few core things. First, we established our authority. We didn’t let Titus manipulate us and we didn’t give in to his whining or sulking when he was between the ages of 2 and 3 — the height of it. So he stopped using that tactic. Second, we focused on instilling obedience. We were clear about rules and we disciplined him for breaking them. Third, Edric shared the gospel with Titus so he could begin a relationship with Jesus Christ. This brought about a transformation of his heart. A spiritual tenderness began to develop in him so that obedience became more about pleasing God instead of mere compliance. Fourth, we continue to disciple him, discipline him, and address his heart issues. We pay close attention to areas of weakness and strength. Fifth, we communicate unconditional love and acceptance. Sixth, we do no shout, compare, or belittle him when he does frustrating things because this will negate our training and teaching efforts. Seventh, we affirm him and build him up. We have chosen to appreciate the way God made him and celebrate his uniqueness. He truly is special (just like all our kids). When I see him make right choices, I commend him for it and call it out.

He is only 4 years old, but I can honestly say that his tendency is more towards obedience than it is towards misbehaving. And the reason is we have followed biblical parenting. God’s word keeps parenting simple for us. We set the goal of teaching our kids to love God and we disciple them accordingly.

Last night, during our family devotion, Edric taught the kids 1 Peter 5:7 “Be on the alert! Your enemy, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion…”

Each of the kids shared their insights on the verse and it was the cutest thing when Titus was explaining what the verse meant to him. He said, “I will be aware if there is candy and I should not eat a lot of it.”

Of all my kids, he likes candy the most. And it’s hard for him to resist the urge to put another piece of candy into his mouth when it’s in front of him. This is his temptation. He told us during the devotion, that he would not give in to the devil when he wants to eat more if mommy says thats enough.

Before bedtime, I was reading to the kids when Titus disappeared for a bit then reappeared with a bag of chocolate chips. He asked me if he could eat them and I said, “No.” He asked me why and I told him it was too late to eat sweets and he could have some the next morning. He responded with, “Okay, mom.” Out of curiosity, I asked Elijah to spy on Titus after he left the room. Elijah came back and reported to me that Titus walked right back to the kitchen and returned the bag of chips without taking anything from it. This incident delighted me because it was an example of how God is at work in Titus’ heart.

One of the spiritual fruits we want to see in our children is that they fall deep in love with Jesus and choose to keep loving him. If they love him, they will obey. So when we get overwhelmed or confused by the parenting mumbo jumbo that is out there, we look towards that goal and ask ourselves, are our children headed in that direction? If they are, then praise God. If not, what should we change?

A few days ago, as I was leaving the house to do an errand, Titus called out to me, “Bye, mom! I love you, mom! I love you a lot but I love Jesus more!” It was the sweetest thing.

My prayer is that Edric and I can keep encouraging his love for the Lord. He still misbehaves once in a while despite his profession of love for God. But that is why we have to keep discipling him. I really believe that the real antidote to misbehaving children is not so much a question of how do I discipline but how do I disciple my child so that they will love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength.

If you have a child who is misbehaving or seemingly uncontrollable, perhaps you and your spouse can ask the following questions: What is the goal of our parenting? What is the game plan going to be as we parent our child towards that goal? What are his areas of weakness and strength? Are we aligned about our role as parents, that we are his authority and need to establish that? Are we clear about our rules and following through with discipline when these rules are broken? Do we need to spend more time with him so he knows, beyond a doubt, that we love him and enjoy being with him? Do we need to stop wrong behavior or attitudes that he may be copying in us? Are we focusing on character in our parenting? Are we praying regularly for him? Does he know Jesus? If he does, is there evidence of spiritual fruit because of his relationship with Jesus?

It Takes All Day

October 17, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 9 Comments

It takes all day to homeschool. I’m not talking about the part where we use books and workbooks or do homeschool “projects.” I’m talking about everything in between.

For example, today I had a talk with my second son, Edan. He was in a difficult mood yesterday when I was homeschooling him. But I knew that if I had tried to correct his attitude then, it wouldn’t have been effective. He was not ready.

He hovered over his math book like it was some form of torture. I looked at the page he had to complete and I knew, as his teacher, that it wasn’t anything beyond his capacity. It was merely a review of concepts he had already understood just a few weeks prior. I took the book away from him and told him to go to his room and pray about his attitude.

The last thing I want to do when I’m homeschooling my kids is force them to learn when they aren’t spiritually ready. Since I am available to them almost 24 hours, I know we have many more moments in the day to address the heart issues they face. I am not going to ballistic over a page or two of math work. But I won’t let my kids’ negative attitudes linger without addressing them either.

When they act de-motivated, I take a step back, compose myself before losing my cool, and let my kids isolate themselves to think and pray about their actions and attitudes. When they are ready, they will come back to me with some sort of resolution. If not, then I pursue them relationally and sit down with them to talk.

I had asked Edan in the car yesterday if he would like to explain to me why he didn’t want to do his work. He asked me if we could talk privately. This morning, I invited him to a conversation, just the two of us.

It’s amazing how a serious dialogue between a parent and child, without time pressure, can do much to unlock what’s going on inside a child’s heart. I suppose one of the beautiful things about homeschooling is that I’m not rushing my kids off to school or stressing out at the end of the day about their homework, test-preparation, etc. We can be together for extended periods of time to deal with whatever needs to be dealt with. Top on my list is the discipleship of my kids…their character.

So we sat there, on the bed and I asked him a few questions. He can be a tough nut to crack because he tends to be quiet about his feelings. When he is upset, he will go lie on his bed and cry. Rarely will he display dramatics. My eldest, Elijah, tends to be the more intense one so he’s more entertaining to watch when he is upset. (Did I just say that? What I mean is, it’s not difficult to guess what he’s feeling.)

With Edan, he has to be pried open gently and the right factors have to be present. When I asked him to come to my room to talk, he knew it was a safe place to tell me whatever he was thinking or feeling. “Can you tell me why you didn’t feel like doing your work yesterday? Mommy wants to be able to help you.” The conversation began along those lines. At first, he wanted to bury his face in a pillow and look at me out of just one eye, while the other one was covered. But I asked him to look directly at me. After a few seconds, he began to share about how he didn’t like books that only had two colors. That made absolute sense coming from a child who is a visual learner. I just didn’t know it made such a big difference to him. And so, I asked, “Do you think it is okay to have a bad attitude if you don’t like your book?” We talked some more about how he was feeling and then I reminded him about the character trait of gratefulness.

A couple months ago, we had covered this topic for our family bible study. My husband, Edric, had asked the kids to memorize the verse, “In everything give thanks.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18) I shared with him that it was important to thank God for the blessings that we do have. We talked about how we could apply this in our homeschooling.

In between, Titus tried to spy on us. He poked his head around the door and stood there for a while, hoping to find out what we were talking about. I asked him to close the door and leave us for a bit. He acted like he was closing it but kept a part open so he could still spy on us. I saw his shadow, and said, “Titus…close the door.” Curious little Titus finally shut it.

The conversation between Edan and I resumed. It took a while but we finally arrived at a conclusion. Edan said he would choose to do the right thing and change his attitude. We prayed together. I also shared with him that there are times when I don’t have good attitude…like when “Daddy asks me to do something,” so I also have to work on this area. We both confessed our sins and Edan was back to his old smiley self.

Was he ready to be instructed after that? Yes.

When parents ask me, “How long do you homeschool for?”, I usually say, the kids do their work in the morning. But a more accurate answer to that question would really be, homeschooling takes all day. It’s not just about covering subject matter and saying, “Yes, it was a good day. We got all our ‘work’ done.” So much of what happens in between the work, throughout the many interactions I have with my kids, is the actual homeschooling. I consider this to be the more important part of what I do.

It’s very hard to explain this to parents who are on the outside looking in. And I understand where they are coming from because their concerns center around, “How many subjects do I have to teach? How much time will it take?” After all, this often seems like the most intimidating aspect of homeschooling. Many parents feel inadequate before they ever begin because the very word “homeschooling” sounds a whole lot like school-at-home. And we associate “school” with school-related work like learning about math, English, science, history, Filipino, social Studies, geography, music, art, etc. (Oh and don’t forget Bible and character!) We look at the line up of subject areas and it’s like, “How the heck am I going to teach all that?” I’m not a professional teacher!”

My encouragement to parents who feel this way is this…teaching subjects is the easier task when discipleship is a priority. Discipleship is primary. Once we make the acquisition of knowledge the priority, we start homeschooling for the wrong reasons and we can start teaching the wrong way, too. Outbursts of anger, irritation, impatience will surface when we feel that our “academic” goals for our kids are blocked. For example, when they aren’t cooperative and they aren’t motivated we get annoyed. And we want to push, push, push. What are we pushing towards? They may comply externally and complete ten pages of their math workbook in one sitting but their heart is far away from us, far away from the Lord.

I can’t settle for that kind of education in our home. My prayer is that each year our children grow deeper in love with Jesus, that their hearts remain teachable and receptive to our instruction, and they make leaps and bounds in the area of godly character. That is homeschooling. And that takes all day, every day, until God says they are ready to go out into the world to be his instruments of change, to bear his gospel, and to pursue the mission he has called them to.

Food Fight

September 23, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 2 Comments

During lunch, our boys had an “incident.” After Edric and I had excused ourselves from the table, we left the two younger boys to finish what was left of their curry meal. Fifteen minutes later, both of them came into our bedroom and looked very guilty. Edan was on the verge of tears and Titus was already crying. What was going on?

Edric calmed them down and asked them to explain what happened. They wanted to confess that they had a food fight. It took several minutes to extract this but they admitted to it.

Apparently, they playfully started chucking rice and bits of beef curry across the table to hit each other. This resulted in a big mess. When Elijah saw it, he encouraged them to tell us what they had done. At first, they were afraid because they didn’t want to get spankings for not following eating rules. But they wanted to be honest (according to Edan).

I watched the two of them stand side-by-side facing Edric. Edan had one hand to his eyes, trying to wipe the tears away. Titus was red with snot coming down his nose. Edric handled the situation and got to the bottom of it all.

Honestly, I kind of think that food fighting is pretty cool! The mess part wasn’t really a big deal, except that we have eating rules. One of these rules is, eat everything on your plate. The boys ended up throwing whatever was left on their plates. They knew they were wrong.

However, since they told the truth, Edric extended grace to them. But Edric said that he was concerned about Titus. He explained to me that Edan was very repentant but Titus was more like “yey!” no spanking.

I offered to talk to Titus. Titus was all smiles as he came into our bedroom. I sat him on the bed beside me and I looked into his eyes to let him know that we were about to have a serious conversation. But I kept my tone gentle. We talked about what it means to really love Jesus. I also explained to him that Jesus wants to bless us, protect us, and take care of us. And I told him that there is also the Devil who wants us to do things like disobey and lie. He doesn’t like us at all and he wants to hurt us and destroy us. Titus asked me questions about this and I explained to him more about what the Devil is like.

I used the example of eating too much candy to let him realize that the Devil always wants to harm us. “Remember how mommy and daddy tell you not to eat too much candy because it’s not healthy? But the Devil will tell you things like, ‘It’s okay to eat candy. It’s yummy. You really like it!’ Just eat it anyway when no one is looking. If you listen to him and keep disobeying mommy and daddy what do you think will happen?”

Titus replied, “All my teeth will fall out!”

“Well, you may get cavities and the Devil will be so happy because he got to hurt you. But mommy and daddy, we don’t want you to get hurt. And that’s how Jesus is. Jesus doesn’t want you to get hurt, either. That’s why you need to learn to obey. And if you love Jesus, you will obey him.”

Titus listened intently and understood what I was trying to say. (I asked him a couple of questions just to check if he really got what I was talking about.) Afterwards, I affirmed him and told him that he was a good son. He really is a wonderful son, but he needs to be trained and guided, just like his siblings.

My purpose for having one-on-one time with Titus was to help him understand that the rules we make are not meant to make his life less fun or deprive him of something good. We want what is best for him. We love him and we are concerned about his heart. But he needs to guard his heart from the Evil One. And he needs to guard his heart so that he always loves Jesus.

When I talk to my kids like this I am reminded that the battle for our children’s hearts is so real, so serious, so spiritual in nature. Each one of them is developing a set of values and principles that will define and determine their choices. And many times it will take some parenting detective work to investigate what is going on inside them. With Titus, I wasn’t as concerned about the food flinging as I was about the possibility that he has not internalized that obedience is for his greater good.

Since he is just 4 years old, we will need many more dialogues together to talk about this truth. Dialogued are really important. The more we interact and communicate with our children, the easier it is to identify the “weeds” in their hearts. Weeds can grow anytime, and they can grow undetected and root themselves deeply into our children’s hearts if we don’t catch them early.

This is one reason why I am a big believer in homeschooling. Homeschooling gives Edric and I numerous, daily encounters with our children. We get to ask then questions, draw them out, and uncover wrong thinking, unbiblical world-views, secret sins, unhealthy patterns, deceptions, or fears. (Oh and pray like heck for them.)

Edric and I don’t always know what to do but the guiding principle for us has been to keep turning our children’s hearts back to Jesus. Jesus will be the one to take our children from immaturity to maturity, from foolishness to wisdom, from obedience out of fear to obedience out of love, from desiring self-will to desiring God’s will.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6 NASB)

“No”

August 13, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 6 Comments

Titus, who has a special attachment to marbles, wanted to bring some from our house to my parents’ place. When he asked me if he could pack them, I said, “No. You can’t bring your marbles.”

He started to pout and cry. He wanted sympathy from our househelp, but I was stern and clear that he could not bring the marbles. I explained to him that the last time he brought metal marbles over to my parents’ place, he lost them. So he would not get to bring anything over.

It’s hard to see my kids disappointed when they don’t get what they want. But they need to learn to accept “no” for an answer with the right spirit. When they show resistance and anger, this concerns me.

Titus was lingering in his negative emotions. He sat behind me in the car sulking. I saw him give me that hard, upset look.

Instead of scolding him for it, I appealed to his heart. “Titus when mommy and daddy say no, what are you supposed to say?” He turned his head away to avoid eye contact, but I didn’t let him get away with that. “What are you supposed to say?” I asked him again and I told him to look at me.

He had to force it out of himself but he managed to say, “Okay, mommy.” This is the response I ask of my kids when I give them a rule or command, or when I tell them “no.” It reveals to me that they acknowledge what I am saying and there is a spirit of agreement and submission.

But I could still sense that he was not okay. So I encouraged him, “Where is your smile, Titus?” He resisted. I pursued him. He tried to bury his face into the arm of his yaya. I did not relent.

“Would Jesus want you to smile? Jesus is in your heart right?” This was my attempt to appeal to the good that was in him, courtesy of the Holy Spirit.

And then I saw his countenance change. There was a tiny smile followed by a genuine sparkly one and his eyes became kind.

“There it is! That’s a wonderful smile!”

When we got home, I pulled him aside and affirmed him profusely. I complimented him for changing his attitude and for smiling when I asked him to, even when he didn’t get what he wanted. And I gave him a big hug and kiss. He was beaming.

Toward the end of our conversation, I asked him, “Who helped you do the right thing?”

“Jesus!” was his joyful reply.

As parents we need to appeal to the spirit of the Lord in the hearts of our kids. Otherwise, it’s hard to teach them and train them. To do this, it is important to connect them to Jesus when they are little. Share the gospel with them as soon as possible, so God can begin his sanctifying work in their lives. This does not guarantee that they will be perfect angels, but it certainly makes them more receptive and responsive to correction and discipline.

Of course, we need to do our part by being positive when we teach and train them. We need to avoid shouting. We need to exercise authority without being cruel or despotic, assuring them that we love them. And our goal must be redemptive — reconnecting their hearts back to the Lord.

I have noticed that it helps alot to just mind my tone and decibel levels when I address my children’s wrong behavior. Keeping a calm talking voice also allows me to consider my words more carefully. It’s not always easy but it is more effective.

I like how Galatians puts it. We must correct with gentleness and not from a position of self-righteousness. And we don’t need to lose our temper to be taken seriously by our children.

Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. (Galatians 6:1-3 NASB)

Too Cute NOT to Spank

July 24, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 15 Comments

My two year old daughter is a charming cutie-pie who can get away with a whole lot if Edric and I don’t discipline her. She knows how to put on that smile of hers to hypnotize you and make you forget that you just gave her a command that she did not obey.

Just the other day I asked her to stop playing with the hand sanitizer that she was squeezing onto her legs. She looked up at me with those puppy eyes and said, “Okay, mommy,” and acted like she put the hand sanitizer away. A few moments later, she hid in the bathroom and squeezed all of it out while no one was looking. She didn’t think I saw her, but I did.

I don’t know why I let that instance slide but it was clear disobedience. Usually, I would spank her for defiance. But, I was relaxing on the bed and she looked super cute covered in hand sanitizer. Okay, it was a moment of weakness.

But after this incident I committed to be more consistent. So this morning, when I told her not to play with the intercom and she did, I disciplined her for it. It was 6:30 am and she wanted to press the buttons on the intercom but I knew this would inconsiderately wake everyone up. I very clearly commanded her, “Tiana, don’t touch that. Don’t play with it. Obey.” Again, she looked at me very innocently and said, “Okay.” Less than five minutes later, she was trying to press the buttons.

“Tiana, mommy said don’t do that. You did not obey.” I picked her up to take her to the bathroom so I could spank her. And she knew that she had disobeyed. She started crying because she knew she was in trouble. I looked at her darling face and was tempted to cave in and say, “Okay, next time, don’t do that. I will give you a chance.” (She is very verbal so she would have understood this.)

But, I also knew that if I let her get away with disobedience her behavior will go from cute to ugly as she grows up. So, I explained to her what she did wrong and why I was going to spank her. And I reminded her that she only gets spanked when she does not obey. After her spanking (one good swat across her bum), I hugged her tight, told her I love her and that I was spanking her so that she would learn to obey. She understood and I gave her the opportunity to say sorry for not obeying.

I brought her back out to the bedroom where Elijah, my eldest, spoke to her about what just happened. Even though I didn’t ask him to do this, he explained to her that spanking was for her good, that “we only get spanked when we don’t obey.” He was reinforcing everything I had just told Tiana and as I listened to him, he sounded so much like Edric and I when we explain discipline to our kids. Our young acolyte.

Elijah hasn’t been spanked in a couple of years. As an older child he has been trained to obey. His present issues have to do with responsibility, attitude, and respect for authority. He has graduated to withdrawal of privileges and logical consequences as forms of discipline. But he well remembers the years when he received the rod for disobedience.

For our younger children — toddler stage to about 5 or 6 — spanking has been the simplest way to communicate the importance of obedience. When they don’t obey, they get spanked. They get that. It’s not complicated. And obedience has, on many occasions, saved the lives of our children. Literally.

A few days ago, my four year old Titus was about to run across the road to me when I noticed a car speeding towards him. I called out to him to stay and not to move. Titus froze immediately without hesitating, and he stood at the edges of the road as the car zoomed pass. Titus was perfectly alright but my heart had skipped a beat. What if he had not listened? What if he had tried to cross anyway and not obeyed? Instances such as these make me thankful for the Lord’s instruction to train and discipline our children, to teach them to obey. Learning obedience is life-saving!

The Bible says, “Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol”. (Proverbs 23:13, 14 NASB)

We don’t just protect our children physically when we teach them obedience, we save their souls. Discipline is supposed to be redemptive. It hasn’t gotten easier to spank our kids when they disobey because we know that it means they will feel pain, but the blessings we have seen in their lives remind us that spanking is one of the ways that we seek the highest good for our children.

At the end of the day, we want our children to learn to obey us so they learn to obey God. Hebrews 12:11 talks about the peaceful fruit of righteousness. “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” (Hebrews 12:11 NASB) Obedience brings righteousness. Righteousness brings peace.

Parenting in Paradise

June 15, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 1 Comment

I am very much looking forward to uninterrupted sleep tonight! After three days of Palawan without my “home assistants” (a.k.a. Yayas), I was exhausted by 7:30 pm today! Edric and I split duties between our four kids and it was wonderful and tiring to be so hands-on.

We were so blessed by a very generous couple who treated my parents and Edric and I (plus kiddos) to a stay at Lagen Resort in El Nido, Palawan. The kids didn’t want to leave when we boarded the plane this morning. But Edric and I were looking forward to our own bedroom, sleep and help. I admire all moms who do not have househelp like we commonly do in the Philippines. You are a different breed of amazing.

The trip itself was an incredible vacation. It was real-world education for our kids. They experienced zoology and ecology in 4-D. I marveled at the beauty of God’s creation and his majesty. Truly the earth speaks of his grand design.

I will write more about my insights and personal lessons tomorrow but for how, I am posting photos of our three days of parenting in paradise…

Obedient Parents

May 5, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 4 Comments

I am trying to get into the habit of reading a Proverb a day to my kids. So far, the most effective way to read aloud to them and have discussions is in the car, when they are my captured audience. Two mornings ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to talk about obedience. The topic presented itself in the first few verses of chapter 3.

My son, do not forget my teaching,
But let your heart keep my commandments; For length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. (Proverbs 3:1, 2 NASB)

I explained to the boys that blessing comes with obeying your parents. I also shared that as parents we obey God and submit to his authority. Whether you are a parent or child, God is the ultimate authority.

Elijah asked, “If Solomon was writing to his children to obey, how come they didn’t obey God?” (Good question, eh?)

So I shared that Solomon was not the best example. When God told him not to marry foreign women who would turn his heart away from God, he did not obey. I explained to Elijah that the mistakes we make as parents affect our children. Our example influences their life choices.

He got that. And as I was clarifying this for him, it was also a good reminder for me to be a model of submission and obedience…even in the little things. My kids are always watching.

A few weeks ago, I went swimming with the kids. I didn’t want to bother taking a shower before entering the pool. So I was about to jump into the water when Elijah said, “Mom, you are supposed to shower first.”

“I did take a shower at home today. So I am clean,” I replied. But Elijah convicted me. “Mom, that’s the rule, we should obey.”

I could not get out of that one. He was right. And at that moment I had a choice. I could have insisted, “No, it’s okay. I don’t need to take a shower.” Yet I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to be a good example. So I rinsed off under the shower then jumped into the pool.

What is the point? If I want my children to learn obedience, I must model it.

In his book, Shepherding A Child’s Heart, Tedd Tripp defines obedience as “doing what one is told — without challenge, without excuse, without delay.” (p.138) When my husband, Edric, was doing a study on obedience, he told me that the Hebrew meaning of obedience is obey first, understand later.

Hmm…How many times have I grumbled inside when Edric asks me to get him a drink of water, a towel, a roll of toilet paper, or give him a massage? I resist his authority when I don’t like what he is asking me to do.

As an example, recently he asked me to write a report for him and I challenged him and made excuses. It was not until I finished reading Tripp’s book that I realized I was not being obedient in the same way I am teaching my kids to be obedient. It was hypocrisy. I had to apologize to Edric and after repenting, I worked on the report right away.

Tripp says, “It is so difficult to teach submission to authority in a culture in which we have few models to follow. At one time, adults provided examples of submission to authority. Mom submitted to dad as head of the house. Dad submitted to his boss. There was a general concept of one’s station in life and behaving in a manner appropriate to it. Various liberation movements in the second half of the 20th century have changed all that…Therefore our children are growing up in a culture of no ready models of submission to authority.” (p.142)

My my. Reading this was a good wake up call for me. Obedient children need to see obedient parents!

Delightfully Obedient

May 4, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 15 Comments

“Please close the door, Edan.”

“Okay, mom, I will obey you right away. Obeying is what God likes, right? That’s why I obey you right away.” Edan said melodically.

It sounds like a script but it wasn’t. I had asked Edan to close the door because he left it open as he hurried to go play with his cousins. The air conditioning was turned on and the oppressive heat of summer was coming in. When I asked him to close it, he did it right away.

Witnessing this instance of obedience was particularly important to me because of what Edan said. He affirmed what Edric and I have repeatedly tried to instill in our kids. Obedience, at the core, is submission to God. It is not for me, for Edric, or so that people will say, “Wow, your kids are so well behaved” when they are in public (which is really a pride thing when I succumb to that thought).

We teach our children obedience to us so they will learn obedience to God and live a life that pleases him. Of all the lessons I have taught my kids, this virtue has taken center stage most often. Personally, I believe it is the key to having teachable children who respond to instruction. Smarts and intellect in children are not as valuable to a homeschooling parent as an obedient heart is.

I appreciated obedience so much more during the four days that Edric and I volunteered to baby-sit my brother’s kids. He and his wife went on a trip so it was four plus six for us. Seven kids. Fun. Noisy. But, NOT stressful. Why? Because Paul and Jenny have taught obedience to their kids, too.

We did homeschooling activities together and it was a lot of work but it was very manageable. In fact, it was a joy! Sure, I had to deal with their personalities and give attention to each of them. But, I would rather get physically tired teaching ten children who are obedient than deal with one child who will not listen or respect authority. When children obey, they are a blessing and not a source of sorrow or emotional pain.

In Hebrews 13:7 it says, “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.” People who do not obey bring grief to others.

During our baby-sitting stint, I was especially blessed by Caleb, who is Paul’s oldest son. I took the kids to the grocery Monday and I told them they could each pick out a snack. When we got to the check-out I was having all their stuff scanned. Almost all of them had picked out candy. Caleb seemed troubled. He said, “Aunty Joy, my mom said I can’t have any sweets unless I ask her.” I was tempted to say, “It’s okay! I will talk to your mom later.” But I could see that he wanted to obey and I was not about to quench the ministry of the Holy Spirit in his heart. So I said, “You should obey, so pick out something else.” He returned the candy and grabbed a tube of Pringles.

When Paul and Jenny got home from their trip after four days, I reported to them how behaved and obedient their kids were. I told them how delightful they had been to teach and spend time with.

When children understand and apply submission to the authority of their parents, it carries over to their other relationships — with uncles, aunts, grandparents, teachers, instructors, coaches, government leaders, and other people in position of authority. But, our higher goal is to help our children become obedient to God.

For He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel,
which He commanded our fathers
that they should teach them to their children, that the generation to come might know, even the children yet to be born, that they may arise and tell them to their children, that they should put their confidence in God and not forget the works of God, but keep His commandments, and not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that did not prepare its heart and whose spirit was not faithful to God. (Psalm 78:5-8 NASB)

Our seven kids for four days…