love

Strawberry Yoghurt

May 24, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 2 Comments

While I struggled with my miserable cold two nights ago, trying to rest in the room alone, a commotion in the kitchen woke me up. With a raised and agitated tone, Titus said, “I don’t want that!” This wasn’t the sound of my usually sweet and happy Titus.

I would have preferred to remain in my rested state and ignore the situation. But I could not willfully do so. Titus had lost his temper. There was an issue that needed to be dealt with. Intervention was in order. So I got up and called him out of the kitchen to talk about what happened.

Apparently, he wanted a strawberry yoghurt drink that had ended up in the hands of Edan. He was offered an orange flavored one by our househelp, Joan, which upset him. Edan, on the other hand, was apathetically sipping the last few drops of the coveted yoghurt drink. Titus looked on with quiet anger, convinced that he had been done a great injustice.

Taking Titus aside, I tried to understand where he was coming from. But my attempt to have a dialogue with him as his two older brothers curiously stood on the sidelines and his youngest sister called out, “Titus is going to get a spanking!” was counterproductive. So I brought Titus to my bedroom.

He thought he was going to get a spanking but my intent was to get to the root of the issue. This was not something that could be solved with a spanking. There was a much deeper problem here. Titus’ spirit was not right. There was hardness and frustration.

He stood in front of me while I sat across from him. We engaged in a conversation that involved me explaining to him why his attitude was wrong, why shouting was not okay, and how he needed to learn to share. His part was to acknowledge and respond in repentance. Did it work? Maybe a little. But I could sense that his compliance was external. It was void of real conviction.

So I called him to my side, hugged him really tightly and said, “Titus, I love you no matter what.” I assured him that I was after his greater good. His countenance softened and he started to tear. All my lecturing had not produced this sort of heart-felt response. It was not until I took him in my arms and held him that I could sense a motivation to change his attitude.

With my arms around him, I went on, “Because I love you, I want to teach you to do what pleases God.” Appealing to his own love for Christ, I reminded him that getting angry and being selfish were wrong behaviors because Jesus didn’t want him to do those things. I asked him what he thought would make Jesus happy and he acknowledged that he had to learn “to share, to say sorry, and that he shouldn’t get angry.” When I was convinced that he sincerely meant this, I let him go back to the kitchen to say sorry to those whom he had hurt.

He walked up to Edan and Joan to ask for forgiveness. There was humility in his tone and disposition, and he bounced back to his smiley, cheerful self. I affirmed him for doing what was right and I peacefully went back to my bedroom to go back to sleep. Strawberry yoghurt training case closed.

—-

Training is such a challenge. First, it takes commitment. Second, it must be personalized. Third, it must be purposeful — the pursuit of Christlikeness. Fourth, it must be cradled by love.

Sometimes, I am tempted to short cut the training part and make behavior the priority. But fruitful discipline and training must seek to restore our children’s hearts to us and to the Lord. It must heal what is broken inside them and be redemptive, effecting much more than behavioral change.

If we want real fruit in our children, we must consider these heart questions: Do our children know that we love them? Are they absolutely convinced that we want what is best for them? Do they love Jesus? Do they know that he loves them?

1 Corinthians 13:8 says that love never fails. When I think of that statement, I think of how it can be applied to training our children.

Love does not fail to motivate or inspire change. When our children are convinced that they are loved and accepted, flaws and all, they respond to our teaching. More importantly, when they love Jesus with all that they are, they desire to please him and live for him.

It’s like Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.”(John 14:15 NASB)

Titus painted this earlier on in the day and I thought it was a great reminder that our children give us their hearts to handle with care. What are their hearts telling us about their spiritual condition? What are we doing about it?

My Out-of-the-Box Child

May 4, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 2 Comments

I’ve said it before that Titus often fascinates me because he is such an out-of-the-box thinker and he has learned many things on his own.

One afternoon he was counting aloud by 10s (something I had not taught him). He counted all the way up to 100. I turned over to him and said, “Where did you learn that? Who taught you that?” His Jedi-like reply was, “I know many things, mom.”

At this statement I started laughing really hard. He meant it with all sincerity. I followed up with, “Yes, but HOW did you learn to count by 10s?” Once again, I found it comedic when he said, “I think, mom! I just think!” It was almost like he was insulted that I questioned his ability to understand concepts on his own.

Recently, when my nieces, nephews and kids were doing a puppet show with my sister-in-law she asked everyone to make their puppets stand on their heads. Titus was the only one that thought of bending his puppet in half so that its feet touched its head…literally, standing on its head!

Because I haven’t spent too much time “teaching” him formally, I will have to give credit to John Holt’s idea that children are learning all the time. When they are not forced to learn too early, but provided with a stimulating, enriching environment in which to explore, create, build, invent, and discover, they educate themselves. Learning happens naturally and very often in the context of play. Titus certainly needs character training like my other children, but he has caught on just fine with the academics even without too much one-on-one instruction from me.

At four years old, he can read, comprehend, he is beginning to write better, he understands fundamental math concepts, and he is developing normally. He may not be as articulate as his older brothers were at his age, but he is a loving, happy, curious, and determined child…with a very positive opinion about himself. When I am teaching him, he will say, “This is sooo easy, mom!” And then he will start working and be like, “How do you do this again?”

I laugh alot with Titus. He has a unique perspective that I treasure as a mom. I appreciate that he doesn’t think linearly and that he pays attention to things that others might take forgranted.

One time he picked up a flattened fruit loop that was left on the floor of our condominium lobby. Everyone else thought it was dirty. But he picked it up and put it in his pocket. I didn’t realize this until we were in the car and he was cradling it in his hand. I told him he should throw it. After all, who knows where that fruit loop came from or who stepped on it? But he begged me to keep it.

Heck. Why not, I thought. If it matters that much to him and it isn’t a life and death issue, why can’t he be himself and keep it? He’s the only one who thought of doing so anyway and it’s important to him. So I told him he could and that made his day. A little fruit loop. I made him promise not to eat it and he didn’t.Whew!

Titus has stretched my parenting muscles a lot. I used to get really frustrated with him because he would take things apart, break his toys, color and draw in his books, tear out pages, peel the labels off things like crayons (he still does), hide objects under his bed like marbles and cereal, get himself into precarious predicaments, and bullheadedly insist on his way.

For example, when he was 8 months old, he weaned himself from breastfeeding. I was so upset and sad about it. None of my other children did this. I really wanted him to breastfeed for longer to keep bonding with him. But he insisted that he was ready to move on to the bottle. My fear was he would be deprived of affection because he was my third child. Without those bonding sessions, I didn’t get to hold him as often.

This was my first experience with Titus’ different way of doing things. Initially, I wanted to control him. I wanted to force him to breastfeed. But he ended up biting me! So that was it, I surrendered that stage over to the Lord. Crying and depressed, I accepted his decision to wean.

Such was the beginning of my parenting adventures with Titus. It took me a while to recognize that God designed Titus with a personality that was hand-picked by Him for a reason and purpose.

Titus turned out to be one my most affectionate children, my big hugger. In fact, he is such a touch person, he will randomly head butt people to get their attention! On certain mornings, he will crawl into bed beside me after he wakes up and let me drape my whole self around him like a pillow. He is the only one who will lie there contentedly and still. He won’t squirm away or complain that I am too heavy. And he will come up to me and randomly hug and kiss me during the day without being asked to. Who would ever have thought my earliest weaned baby would have become like this?

I love all my children equally but God taught me how to love my Titus. Through Titus, God has helped me to grow in character, especially in the area of patience!

His birthday is coming up in two days and I wanted to write this to celebrate the joy and color that he has brought into our lives. I could’ve missed out on appreciating him had I placed him in a mold of my own liking…to make my parenting “convenient.” But God made certain children out-of-the-box — children who make us see the world differently, who challenge the norm (in a good way), who keep us from getting complacent about our parenting, and who make us dependent upon the Lord for the creativity and wisdom we need to instruct them. Titus is special just the way he is and I hope that Edric and I can keep encouraging him to grow in the Lord and become the man that God wants him to be.

Another Dimension to Love

April 20, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 1 Comment

One of the things that has allowed Edric and I to grow closer to one another is serving the Lord. We are both burdened to minister to young couples and young families. Although we don’t say yes to every speaking engagement we are invited to, we have had many opportunities to team-teach. He usually does most of the teaching and I come in to share real-life examples from our marriage and parenting.

Just this past weekend, we spoke once again at the Before I Do Seminar organized by Imagine Nation Photography. This is a something we do at least twice a year. And every time, it is a joy to share marriage principles that have helped us stay together. These are bible-based principles on God’s Design for Marriage, Marital Roles, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Finances and Sex in Marriage. We don’t do all the speaking but Edric usually handles the first part of the day.

Whenever we finish the seminar, Edric will often say, “I really enjoy serving the Lord with you.” And I feel the same way.

The spiritual dimension of a marriage is key. It’s easy to become so self-focused and relationship-centric when you are a wife or husband. The tendency is to manage your own concerns, issues, and fulfill your own needs and wants. But then what? What’s next? This can get boring after a while or even, implosive.

I believe that one of the reasons why God brings two people together in marriage is to assemble a “dream team” that can better serve him and others. It always amazes me how a husband and wife can complement and support each other’s strengths and weaknesses. In so many of the effectively ministering couples at our church, they share this dynamic. If a husband is not organized, the wife tends to be. If a wife is more introverted, the husband tends to be more outgoing and personable.

When Edric and I got married, he was the more extroverted one. It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy people. I just preferred my personal space and quiet. But I married a man who is charismatic, energetic, and a very good public speaker. He knows how to connect with all kinds of people. So this had a positive effect on the more reserved me. His example encouraged me to reach out to others and go outside of my comfort zone.

As for his public speaking, being on stage came naturally, but he had to learn how to really meditate on God’s word and dig deep for insights. This is where I came in as his helpmate. Because I am more of the reflective thinker, he would practice his messages on me and I would comment and help him to refine his content. In turn, he would help me work on my presentation skills and teach me how to develop better rapport with an audience.

The greater gift of being in ministry together is the accountability. Edric and I have to be careful about consistency. If we are going to talk about biblical principles on marriage or parenting, we need to be living these out ourselves. It certainly makes us consider the areas where we might be in danger of hypocrisy or the ways we need to improve. Otherwise, we know that it’s all cheap talk and meaningless to transform lives. How can God possibly use us if we aren’t applying his truth ourselves?

Just the week before we spoke at the Before I Do Seminar, we had some friction. Almost immediately, I recognized it as a spiritual attack and Edric did, too. But, we were busy and preoccupied with personal matters, so we let the issues linger longer than they should have. Anyway, it got to a point where we weren’t really communicating. We were intentionally dismissing one another because we were both irritated. But how could we remain this way? In just a few days we were going to be in front of a group of 80 people to tell them how amazing it is when you have God at the center of your marriage! So we both came together to identify the root issue – neither of us was spirit-filled. We were reacting to circumstances and to one another selfishly and with pride. After reconciling, we went out on a wonderful date the night before our talk and intimacy was restored. The next day, we stood up before an audience without pretense, not putting on a façade of “we have it all together”, but acknowledging that it is truly the Lord who has made the difference in our relationship.

Unfortunately, I don’t think many marriages are around long enough these days to look back in hindsight at the journey God meant for them to take as a team. They often miss out on the adventure even before it starts. I really felt like the best part of my marriage to Edric began a couple of years after we really figured out what God wanted us to do for him. Before then, it was too much about what I wanted and what Edric wanted, and blah, blah, blah. It wasn’t until we recognized that God ordained our partnership for a greater reason beyond the island that is our marriage that there began to be real depth to our relationship — that we didn’t just exist for ourselves and our own dreams.

Couples really ought to discover what their shared burdens are. Or better yet, singles should marry someone who has the same convictions and passion for ministry. There are so many needs out there — orphans, widows, the poor, marriage and family counseling, access to better education, housing, and opportunities for the underprivileged, etc. How can we use our talents and resources to be a blessing, to serve others? To glorify God?

I really believe the greatest intimacy any couple can share goes beyond the mental, physical and emotional aspect of their relationship. Personally speaking, the spiritual alignment of Edric’s heart with mine and with the Lord’s has been the most definitive aspect of who we are as husband and wife, and I would even say…the most beautiful.

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45 NASB)

Love at the Grocery

March 30, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 14 Comments

If there is one place in the world Edric doesn’t like to go to it would probably be the grocery. But I gave him puppy-dog eyes when I was about to leave the house with four children in tow, and he compassionately said, “Would it make it easier if I was with you?” I immediately said, “Yes!”

I know he was sacrificing 2 hours of peace and quiet that he could’ve had all to himself. In fact, he was looking forward to getting some computer work done. But his gallantry couldn’t help it. He is a rescuer by heart, especially towards me.

When we got to S and R, Edric dropped us off and parked. And then he came in to push the cart while I went up and down the aisles like it was some romantic date (with the kids). We haven’t had a date night in a while because of the no-househelp situation.

He remarked, “You’re loving this, aren’t you?!” My happiness was obvious.

Because I know he hates the grocery so much, it meant that much more that he came with me to watch the kids. The last time I was at the grocery with the kids, Tiana fell asleep in the cart and the boys got restless.

When you don’t have help, you find ways to survive. The kids and I managed to finish grocery shopping but it was a little bit stressful!

I had to grab something to rest her head on. Poor thing!

This time around, with their dad in full control, everyone was behaved and cooperative. He entertained them and kept them preoccupied.

Is it possible to fall in love with your husband while he is pushing a grocery cart? Well, I did! I kept looking back to check him out.

When people make excuses in their marriage and say things like, “I can’t do that for (him or her), it’s not my personality,” I don’t think we realize how much it means to our spouse to sacrifice personal comfort, make personality-changes, or serve one another when it’s inconvenient. Sometimes, it’s the small gestures that are the most impressive.

In the car, I asked Edric, “Why did you decide to come with me?”

“Because I want to take care of you. I love you.” I guess I knew that already but I liked hearing it again. And being the hormonal person that I have been due to pregnancy, I got all teary-eyed.

Approachable

March 27, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 2 Comments

Edric and I have an open communication policy with our kids. This means they can correct us and call out areas that we need to improve on. Of course, they are encouraged to do it in a polite way. It certainly keeps us on our “character toes.”

This morning, in the car, the boys were like a bunch of hyenas. They were cackling, singing loudly and Edric hit his toleration threshold. He was in the middle of composing a text message so he said, “Quiet boys, quiet!” His tone was agitated. The boys simmered down. But it was an awkward kind of silence.

Meanwhile, Edric asked me for the address of a wake we were going to attend and I offered to forward to him the text message so it would be easier for him to pass it on to friends who were going to attend the same wake. However, he thought it was simpler just to hand my phone over so he could copy it down onto a message he was already writing. I retorted with sarcasm under my breath, “It’s not simpler.” The kids looked over at me and Edric was like, “Excuse me? Did you just say something under your breath?”

Edan inched over to my side (we were all in the back and Edric was in front, in the passenger seat). Whispering into my ear, he asked, “Was dad practicing meekness?” Our bible study as a family the previous week was about being meek. And one of the examples Edric gave was responding with meekness toward family members. I suggested to Edan,“Why don’t you ask daddy?”

A few minutes later he did. “Daddy, were you being meek?” Edan stuck his head in between the two front seats to question Edric. When Edric realized he hadn’t been a good example, he asked for forgiveness from the kids and from me. But he also added, “Your mommy also needs to learn to submit and respect daddy.” I quickly apologized too and asked for forgiveness from Edric and the kids. Elijah turned towards me and gave me an approving look. He may be just 10 years old but he really internalizes these moments and watches us ever so closely. (Actually, all of them do.)

The rest of the car ride was fine. The tense atmosphere was dispelled and we went back to chatting with one another.

Whew! It’s really quite impossible to be perfect in front of our kids. But that’s not the goal. The goal is to keep moving towards Christ-likeness. Family is the best context to do this when each person is motivated by love and committed to helping one another grow in character. I really think that children are a blessing in this sense. Seeing our “issues” through their eyes makes Edric and I desire to be more careful, conscious and consistent about being Christ-like. If they can’t find Christ in our home, in our personal lives, then we can’t expect them to want Christ either. I praise God that their hearts are still tender and forgiving, and they know we are on this journey of faith together, as a team.

but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. (Ephesians 4:15, 16 NASB)

Thoughts on Romance While Cleaning Toilets

March 22, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 4 Comments

Who would ever have thought that romance could be rekindled by toilet cleaning?! Our recent househelp drought has been hard for me physically. It’s been tiring but strangely, or not so strangely…wonderfully even, it has caused me to fall more in love with Edric. Somehow this week of discomfort has drawn us closer to one another.

Tired but sill in love…

Edric has paid close attention to how exhausted it has left me, and his thoughtfulness has been professed in sweet statements like, “Do you want me to take the day off? I want you to know that I will rescue you. I will always rescue you.” He said this to me yesterday while I was wiping the dining table clean. And I looked up at him, tempted to cry a little, but I smiled instead – a deeply appreciative smile and he knew that he made my day. He held me for a bit as I stood there rather bedraggled like a Cinderella who didn’t have a fairy godmother to doll her up, and I told him how much I appreciated him.

I’ve said it often that we don’t have a perfect relationship. We go through our ups and downs. But we have learned some key relationship principles that have allowed romance to last well past the honeymoon stage and cushion the challenges of yaya-less seasons like this one.

There are lots of ideas out there on how to cultivate romance in marriage, but I wanted to write about six particular things that have made an impact on our own marriage:

Don’t focus on your spouse, focus on what you need to change and improve on. It is very easy to hold your spouse to a set of expectations and forget that you have a lot to work on in your own person. I was like this at the beginning of my marriage. And so was Edric. We would nit-pick on each other’s shortcomings and it wearied us both out. Instead of enjoying one another, we were so focused on correcting each other’s mistakes. At a certain point, we realized that it wasn’t our role to change each other. That was God’s role. I began to pray for Edric and he began to pray for me. In the process, God also revealed to each of us what character areas we had to fix. I had to learn to be a more submissive and respectful wife. Edric, on the other hand, learned to be more spirit-filled and tempered, and to lead our family spiritually.

Till this day, we need to practice controlling what we can (our own attitudes, responses, character, spiritual growth) and surrendering one another to the Lord. When we do, we both improve for the better. Our relationship emerges a stronger union despite the conflicts, tensions, and daily annoyances.

The reality is marriage takes work. Spouses don’t naturally grow closer, they tend to grow apart. So the more activities, interests, and hobbies Edric and I share together, the stronger our bond becomes. And the more effort we put into being attentive to one another’s needs, the sweeter our relationship. A marriage needs to become the second most important relationship next to one’s relationship with the Lord. Spouses need to discover the heartfelt longings and desires of their partners and meet them.

For example, everyone has a love language according to Gary Chapman, author of the book, “The Five Love Languages.” Often times, we may think we are behaving in loving ways towards our spouse but they don’t feel loved. I am a words person. I appreciate being affirmed by Edric. It makes me feel loved. If he says 1 negative comment but pads it with 5 positive ones, I get the point but don’t feel the sting. He, on the other hand, likes to be served. If I tell him I love him but fail to cook him good food, keep the house in order, follow through with his delegated requests, then he feels down. So meeting each other’s love languages is a very effective way to keep the love fire burning.

Before we got married the pastor who officiated our wedding explained to us that marriage is like a garden. Prioritizing our relationship is like watering, planing, pruning the garden, and then enjoying it together because love is abloom. Conversely, failing to put effort into prioritizing our relationship turns the place into a weed-infested jungle! The flowers die; the weeds get overgrown; lovey-dovey feelings wither and fade.

Our pastor also challenged Edric to be in charge of this garden as the leader in our relationship. But, I try not to make it hard for him to do his “job.” How so? By not letting ugly weeds like bitterness, being unappreciative and critical, being a nag or emotional burden grow around me.

Be demonstrative. This isn’t about elaborate events. It’s the small things…Edric and I are affectionate with one another. We hug and kiss a lot. I used to be self-conscious about being affectionate in public. But Edric would remind me, “We are married!” Oh yeah. If any segment of society should be hugging and kissing a lot, it should be all the married people. We have absolute right to.

As often as possible, Edric also opens the door for me and seats me at a table. He makes assuring statements like “I’m here for you”, “I’ll take care of you”, “You are my priority.” I am addicted to his chivalry and I pray it never dies. When I am treasured and handled like a lady, I can’t help but feel both physically and emotionally attracted to Edric.

We also keep our relationship fun. Flirtatious and playful gestures…something as silly as winking at each other from across the room or pretending to check each other out, these keep our relationship from getting stale. Of course, this also means staying fit and leaving the dumpy clothes hidden (for me). I am a free-spirited person who doesn’t like to put too much effort into dressing up. But since it matters to Edric that I look put together, I try to wear what he likes me to, especially when we go out. After so many years, it still matters to me that he does a double take when he sees me dressed up. So I make the effort, even when I don’t feel like it. Even with my burgeoning pregnancy belly! Which reminds me…I have to do some shopping soon.

Another thing that helps is speaking highly of one another and refraining from saying disrespectful or demeaning things about each other, especially in public. I remember mistakingly cracking jokes about Edric’s personality when we were newly married. He didn’t like it at all. He felt hurt. So I took note of that and have since avoided putting him down (even if I am just joking). He is also careful with me. (If something needs to be corrected, we do it in private.)

All these things are free (except if you need to invest in a new wardrobe), but they do wonders for the romance-meter in marriage!

Preserve your identity as husband and wife, especially when you have kids. Edric and I have four kids, going on five. Our lives could revolve around our children if we aren’t careful. But we do not subscribe to the child-centric type of parenting that has become so prevalent today. There are boundaries. The kids don’t get to sleep in our bedroom (even though this seems to be common of Asian families). We safeguard date nights, even if the kids feel sad that they get left behind. Okay, date nights have taken a back seat while we don’t have househelp. Whether we step out of the house for a dinner or movie, or carve out time during the day to connect with one another, we look forward to being alone, just the two of us — no kids. We love our kids. But we can better love them if our relationship is healthy. They understand that mom and dad have a special relationship that needs special care.

Think about the traits you appreciate in your spouse. Just this evening, over dinner, I asked my parents if they thought their relationship was still romantic. They said yes very confidently. Married for nearly 39 years, I wanted to know what their secret was. My mom shared an insight that I thought was very practical. Remember what you love about your spouse – the good traits. Almost every time I am with my mom, she will mention something positive about my dad. Your dad is a really great man. I’m so blessed to be married to him. He is always so happy and cheerful. He’s never in a bad mood…etc… She will of course admit that there are days when they have friction and share annoyances, but she chooses to believe the best about him and he does the same about her.

Romance requires selflessness but we are naturally selfish. Therefore, the cure is a Christ-centered marriage. What compels Edric and I to keep bettering our relationship is our love for God. Selfishness is a relationship killer and without God in our marriage, both Edric and I have a tendency to think of our own needs before each other’s. I mean, forget everything I just shared if Christ wasn’t in our marriage. All those suggestions would be short-lived at best.

It’s not easy to be a submissive or respectful wife when Edric does things that upset me. Neither is it automatic for me to serve him when my love tank is running low. Similarly, Edric is not motivated to be patient and sweet when I annoy him. (I can be very annoying. hee hee). Or, to be affirming when my behavior warrants otherwise. Therefore, Edric and I have to keep walking intimately with the Lord. He takes over when we reach the limits of human capacity. He is the inexhaustible source of unconditional love in our marriage! Romance doesn’t end because he re-charges, re-kindles, and re-ignites the desire to love one another. There are certainly seasons in a marriage when romantic feelings will not be at an all time high but every marriage can be rebuilt if both spouses are willing to commit themselves to follow and love God first.

We love, because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19 NASB)

Positively, Sweetly

March 12, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 5 Comments

I want our home to be a contagiously encouraging environment. Some days ago I wrote about affection as a powerful motivator, but so is affirmation. My children languish under harsh criticism and negativity, but they bloom when they are acknowledged and encouraged. And if there is anything we should be sparing with as parents, it is the use of punitive words that tear our children down. I’m guilty of this at times, especially when I’m trying to compel my kids to respond to my authority. And if I am not careful, I can really discourage them.

Last Saturday, for example, I was frustrated with Elijah when he spilled chocolate milk on his white shirt. He was supposed to perform a violin piece at an event and all I asked him was, “Please don’t get anything on your shirt.” However, in the car, he carelessly forced a straw into his chocolate milk drink and it splattered on him. This agitated me. I looked at the speckled portions of his shirt and thought, how am I going to fix this?!

I turned to him and with an obviously aggravated tone said, “I warned you to be careful and to take care of your shirt. Why did this happen?” He went on to explain that it wasn’t his fault. It was the tetra pack, the angle that he was sitting at, etc. etc. And I counteracted with, “You have to use your brain. It’s not complicated to avoid getting your shirt dirty.” These weren’t the kindest words to use and I knew it, but I was so irritated that he couldn’t follow simple instructions.

When we got to the venue, I asked someone if they could watch my bag so I could go and clean Elijah’s shirt because he spilled chocolate on it. This hurt Elijah’s feelings. He started to cry when he was alone with me and he asked, “Why did you have to tell (so-and-so) that I spilled chocolate? I felt embarrassed.”

Really?! I thought. I don’t have time to massage emotions right now! I’m in the middle of trying to remedy this shirt issue.

So I dismissed his feelings and retorted, “You need to acknowledge that you weren’t careful, apologize and stop making excuses for what you did.” My heart wasn’t right. I wasn’t gentle. I was upset.

Edric noticed that Elijah wasn’t alright so he took him aside and they spoke for a while. After a few minutes, I was summoned. Uh-oh. Edric asked me why I embarrassed Elijah. I began to clarify that it wasn’t intentional. But he interjected and reminded me that I had hurt Elijah’s feelings nonetheless so I needed to apologize to him. Oh my, this parenting business can be so humbling!

Edric was right. I had to say sorry. When Elijah and I were together, I sincerely asked for his forgiveness. My insensitivity was wrong and I had failed to understand his feelings. Elijah readily forgave me. We reconciled and I gave him a big hug until he felt better.

God used this incident as a reminder to be very cautious with the manner in which I correct my children. I may not yell or shout but I can word-weave painful statements that can cut deep. Or sometimes, I blurt out brainless, tackles things without thinking of the resulting effect on the hearts of my kids (or even Edric).

“But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men…from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.” James 3:8-11

Parenting constantly reveals the many areas where I need to improve and taming my tongue is one of them. How can I say this in a way that will build my kids up? Should I not say anything right now and wait till later? What will the repercussions of my words be?

I think back on the way my parents treated my siblings and I, and I have learned some valuable lessons from them. Their default disposition was to be affirming. One of the things they “specialized” in was instilling God-confidence. They repeated this often: “You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.” (Philippians 4:13). Therefore, we had pretty healthy perspectives on ourselves — not self-esteem, which is to think of much of ourselves — but we believed that with God’s help, we could overcome obstacles or accomplish challenging tasks. We weren’t the most brilliant or talented bunch, but thanks to the encouragement of our parents, we knew that Christ was our enabler.

The second thing they did was to generously commend right conduct and godly character. This motivated us to live up to their positive expectations of us. It also made us consider the importance and value of character as a greater measure of success.

Edric and I are trying to apply the same approach with our kids. We don’t want them to have puffed up egos (which will be to their ruin), but we do want them to believe that God has gifted them for a special purpose. He is going to use their strengths, achievements, and even their weaknesses for his unique calling. Through him they can do all things.

We also applaud triumphs of character and decisions that glorify God. But it takes mindfulness and awareness on our part because we can miss those moments.

Sometimes, as parents, we can expect good character to be the minimum. Why should I compliment right behavior? That should be a given. Instead of noticing the positive, we can nit-pick on the negative. And while our children want to meet our expectations because they desire to please us, how much more joyful and motivated they are to do what is right when they are appreciated and built up…even for the small things.

On the plane ride back from Cebu, Edric and I sat the three boys in one row and Tiana was in between us. There were a bunch of kids acting up, crying and fussing throughout the plane. I looked across the aisle and saw our kids sitting down properly, seat belts on, quiet and compliant. Part of the reason was that they were dead tired from a long day of activity. But it meant a lot to me that I didn’t have to call out across the aisle for them to remain in their chairs. I enjoyed a peaceful flight to Manila. When we were alone, I told them how much I appreciated their obedience, that it was a testament to their relationship with Christ, and it was a blessing to Edric and I. Edric echoed the same thing.

Affirmation doesn’t always have to be in the form of praise for character. I’ve also noticed that it is very effective to randomly take them aside and say things like…

“I love you so much. Do you know that mommy appreciates you?”

“Have I told you lately how special you are to me?”

“I really enjoy being with you. I like to spend time with you.”

My kids eat this up. It does wonders for their emotional tanks and their sense of security.

I don’t know any kid in this world who is not motivated by encouragement. The need to train and correct is a part of parenting but it can be balanced and cushioned with generous affirmation. And if we want to have a positive home environment, we need to exemplify what it means to be encouragers because our kids copy us!

Yesterday, I heard my 2 year old, Tiana, delightfully say, “Very good, Titus!” She said this in appreciation of a drawing that her older brother, Titus, had been working on. I heard her affirm him with her tiny sing-songy voice while I was in the bedroom and it put a smile on my face. Elijah remarked afterwards, “Tiana is trying to be like you, mom!” Well, all I can say to that is praise God! Inspite of my foibles here and there in the area of tongue management, the kids are learning to be affirming towards each other. That is of the Lord!:)

Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. (Colossians 4:6 NASB)

Going Back to the Garden (Part 2) – Intimacy in Marriage

March 6, 2013 By Joy T Mendoza 24 Comments

As my husband, Edric, becomes more of a public personality because of his TV hosting, he gets more attention from the opposite sex. I suppose this comes with the territory when you are on television. And as I was reflecting on how this might impact our relationship, I thought of writing an article on intimacy in marriage – Going Back to the Garden (Part 2).

Marriage will have to weather many seasons. But even if external factors may change, Edric and I have learned some important life lessons that have preserved the relational intimacy between us. I hope these insights will also make a difference for young married couples who want to get it right from the start.

Honesty and open communication. It isn’t always easy to tell each other our struggles, failings, and fears, but doing so has helped to build and maintain trust. Edric knows that I don’t have secrets and neither does he. Even though we risk hurting each other and bearing the shame of our wrongs when we choose to be honest, especially about sin, accountability makes our relationship stronger. The Bible says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed…” (James 5:16 NASB)

One of the benefits of openness in marriage is that it invites the power of prayer. When Edric shares with me his temptations or struggles, it allows me to pray for him very specifically so that he can be victorious over sin. (He does the same for me.) Since we practiced open communication early on in marriage, there isn’t a stockpile of unconfessed sins and offenses that have built up that can cause grave damage in the future.

I imagine that it would be incredibly difficult for a spouse to divulge past sins and failures that were never talked about. And it would be incredibly difficult to listen without being deeply wounded or embittered if you were to be deluged by a sudden confession that you did not see coming. So it is a healthy practice to make honesty a habit from the very beginning of a marriage. It is certainly “easier” rather than realizing, later on, that you have not been honest about many things that you ought to have been.

For example, how do you start being honest about an affair because you want to try and restore your marriage? There is no simple way to break that kind of news! So do the preventive thing and express your feelings and uncover issues early on. It is much more challenging to rebuild and regain trust after it has been broken.

I remember occasions when Edric would say to me, “Hon, I am starting to feel awkward and uncomfortable about so-and-so (a woman). I want you to keep me accountable so I am telling you.” Being able to say this before it ever blossoms into something nips any potential threat to our intimacy in the bud.

Be a good listener to your spouse. If you want to encourage open communication, listening is key. “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” (James 1:19 NASB) God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason!

When Edric shares with me his struggles in the area of purity, I can be prideful and retaliate with self-centeredness when I am not Christ-centered. So, it is only by God’s grace that I am able to suspend subjectivity to understand that his truthfulness is an attempt at preserving the intimacy between us. Therefore, I try my best to listen instead of being combative or judgmental. I want him to know that his heart is safe with me.

Don’t be a policewoman. I don’t want the stress of worrying about Edric’s purity. I have turned that over to God by praying for him and our marriage. His faithfulness is not my burden to bear. Years ago, I remember saying, “Hon, if you are going to do something that displeases God, that’s between you and him. If you want to forfeit his blessing in your life, that’s your choice.” Edric knows I trust him because I trust that he loves God and wants to please him. God is watching over Edric and his choices, and mine, too.

Who can really know what happens in private, in the deepest parts of who we are? As transparent as we may want to be with one another, only God can uncover every nook and cranny to purify us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. One of my prayers for Edric is, “Lord, please help Edric to love you with all of his heart. Please help him never to come close to adultery. Keep his eyes, heart, and mind pure. Please protect him from evil women. And please help him to have eyes only for me and…help us to have a great sex life!” Hey, that’s a biblical prayer!

Be overly cautious. No one is impervious to temptation. I remember my mom saying that Satan often uses the back door entrance into a person’s life. He rarely comes in the front. The Bible says, “Therefore let him who think he stands take heed that he does not fall.” (1 Corinthians 10:12 NASB)

Now, more than ever, Edric knows that he has to be careful to avoid people and places that could lead to compromise, so he tells me, “I can’t let my guard down.” But it is the same for me. I may not be hounded by a fan base of men in the same way that women crush on him but I have to make sure I don’t act flirty, too friendly, or try to get the attention of men.

Another thing I learned from my mom: When you start to find yourself thinking things like, “I wonder if this guy finds me attractive?” Or, “I wonder what he thinks about me?” that is a warning flag! (If he is not your husband, of course.)

Grow closer as you grow older. The gravitational pull on a marital relationship is towards growing apart. So we need to keep cleaving to one another — sharing passions, dreams, and activities that make you better friends. Last night I was having dinner with my parents and at one point my dad talked about how my mom is his buddy, his best friend. They thoroughly enjoy one another’s company. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that my parents-in-law escaped for the day to go on a movie marathon — just the two of them. I hope Edric and I can also be as excited to spend time with one another years and years down the road, too.

Meet your spouse’s emotional and physical needs. Edric has mastered the art of romancing Joy Mendoza, which does wonders for intimacy. Affirmation, affection, encouragement, compliments, outrageous professions of love and loyalty, chivalrous deeds…these gestures and demonstrations are big deposits in our relationship.

The other day, I called him to ask for prayers because my stomach was hurting so badly. Without hesitating, he asked, “Do you want me to leave? I can go there right now. You know I will drop everything for you.” I said it was okay and that I just needed his prayers. Thankfully, within a few hours, I felt better. Just knowing he was willing to interrupt all his plans for the day to be with me was comforting enough. It mattered a lot to know that of all the people in his life, he is most mindful of me.

As for me, I need to make sure Edric knows that he is my priority, that he has my respect and admiration. Of course, this includes meeting his sexual needs. I’ve talked to women who withhold sex because of all kinds of reasons. From pregnancy (some pregnancies are delicate, so fine), breastfeeding, fatigue, disinterest, age, don’t need it, don’t want it, not a big part of our relationship, etc. Whatever. Sex is an indicator of relational intimacy. An enjoyable sex life is part of God’s design for marriage. It is also a form of protection.

“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

I’d like to quote my mom again for a very life-changing suggestion about sex that she passed on to me. “When you get married and your husband wants to have sex, remember the Nike slogan. Just do it.”

What about a woman’s sexual needs? Women are responders. If we feel cherished and appreciated, secure in the love of our husbands, Nike is not necessary!

Keep short accounts with one another. Don’t postpone asking for forgiveness. Don’t let unforgiveness linger. In some families, it is the norm NOT to say sorry. Family members just move on after a fight or conflict like nothing happened. Yet, dismissing issues, offenses and hurt is like collecting a huge reservoir of pain that can explode at any time. It will be a continual wedge to true intimacy when unresolved issues get compounded. And compounding interest is not pretty!

Similarly, a person who is bitter and unforgiving is repelling to be with. It’s very unpleasant to be married to a spouse who habitually resurrects past mistakes and failures, or uses them as ammunition. Colossians 3:12-13 says,“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourself with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (NLT)

The most important: walk intimately with the Lord. Intimacy between Edric and I begins when we are intimate with God first. The secret to overcoming personal sin, especially something like immorality, is to fall more in love with Christ. Hebrews talks about “laying aside every encumbrance, and fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.” The more we look to Christ, the more we will want to imitate and follow him. Our preoccupations will be pleasing to him and we will fear the consequences of sinning against him. We will want to be holy and pure.

When I was struggling with purity in college, it was my relationship with God that made me want to change. I thought, I cannot call myself a follower of Christ and continue in sinful behavior. I cannot say that I love God with all my heart if I am doing things that displease him.

In marriage, I have to depend on God’s work in Edric’s life to keep him pure. Do I constantly check his email, browsing history, Facebook, and cell phone? First off, I always forget his passwords so I can’t. Ha ha. His policeman is the Holy Spirit. And because there is open communication between Edric and I, he voluntarily shows me messages that women send him, whether platonic or questionable, or he will tell me if he stumbled in the area of purity. Sometimes, God will give me the inkling to ask him if he is okay in the purity area and Edric will be honest with me.

Purity in marriage is a team effort between God, Edric and me. By God’s grace, we have not experienced the damaging effects of infidelity. By God’s grace, we are still in love. But we know that it is not because of who we are or even the love we have for one another. God is the center, the glue that has held our marriage together and continues to bind it still. He is the covering of protection when our marriage is attacked from within and without. And he is the restorer when there is brokenness and hurt. With him in our marriage, we are able to go back to the garden to experience the sweet intimacy that he designed for a husband and wife.

Love is Not Convenient

December 21, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 5 Comments

When you serve me, it makes me fall in love with you again a million times! This was Edric’s dramatic statement as he kissed me a few mornings ago before leaving for work.

His language of love is service. (Dr. Gary Chapman talks about 5 Love Languages — Time, Touch, Affirmation, Gifts and Service.) I had hoped that service would NOT have been IT for him. But God is a matchmaker extraordinaire. He gave me a husband who deeply desires to be served because he knows that I have to improve in this area.

In contrast, I am more about self-service. I grew up in a home where my mom taught us to serve ourselves. If we needed a glass of water, we knew where the refrigerator was. It was no mystery. If we wanted a snack, we knew where to find the popcorn or peanuts. (Yes, that’s about all my mom gave us to snack on. My parents didn’t like to feed us a lot of junk food.) My mom did not want us to grow up dependent on househelp. So she taught my siblings and I to do the laundry, iron clothes, cook, bake, wash the dishes, make our beds, straighten our rooms, pick up after ourselves, clean the showers and toilets, etc.

But here is a big HOWEVER. I knew how to do all the domestic stuff and yet, this didn’t translate to joyful service on my part when I got married. I didn’t mind cooking, laundry, cleaning, but I would grumble when Edric made requests that seemed “above and beyond the scope of my responsibilities.” Late night massages, a glass of water when I was already tucked in bed, second dinners…Most of the time, I would do what he asked but I would be huffing and puffing inside.

Part of the issue for me was my interpretation of his requests. I felt that there were instances when he was insensitive. For example, I would be at the buffet table holding several plates to get food for the kids. After getting back to the table, Edric, would ask me something like, “Hon, can you get me salad?” And I would feel very hurt. Seriously?! Did you not see me octopusing four plates?! It is not like you can’t do it for yourself…

I know Edric. He doesn’t intentionally want to make my life miserable. He is an incredibly loving person. But he DOES want to be served by me and that’s not going to change. There would be instances when I would catch him standing in front of the refrigerator or peering into the cabinet where the snacks are kept and I would be shocked to see him serving himself. (Because he rarely visits the kitchen, it seems odd when he is moving about in it.) I asked him one time, “How do you know where the snacks are?” His reply was, “I know where everything is, I just choose to be helpless when you are around.” We both laughed because this is so true! He calls it “giving me the privilege of serving him.” Oh really?! Well, over the years, I have learned to accept that this is the way he likes to be loved by me. End of discussion.

God has a way of giving you the very spouse you need to develop your character. When I have thoughts like, Why does Edric have to be like that or like this?! God reminds me, “his personality is exactly what you need to grow in character so be thankful because I hand picked him for you. He is my instrument to transform you into Christ-likeness. You need him! So accept his desire for service with joy! Service is something I want you to learn.”

When I read my bible the morning I began writing this entry, I came across the story of Jesus washing the disciples’ feet. I have read this passage many times but in light of my meditations on serving my husband, I began to weep.

Now before the Feast of the Passover, Jesus knowing that His hour had come that He would depart out of this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end… got up from supper, and laid aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded Himself. Then He poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded. (John 13:1, 4, 5 NASB)

I fall so short of God’s standard of selfless service! Jesus was about to suffer a most painful death knowing “His Hour” had come. He was well aware of how his disciples would abandon him. And yet he wanted to give of himself to those he loved…to stoop down and clean their feet, an act that was for the lowliest of servants, a job that no one wanted to do.

Wow, I am not like this! But this is the kind of heart that God wants me to develop, not merely towards Edric but towards everyone.

“…You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:25-28 NASB)

I am not going to pretend to be a perfect helpmate to Edric. Even though I try to serve him with gladness, I mess up every now and then when I let my selfishness get the better of me. But through the years, God has been teaching me the secret to serving the way he wants me to. It is about humility, dying to my self-centeredness, not keeping “tabs”, rejecting the idea that it must always be fair. Above all, it is focusing on Jesus’ example. He put our interests and needs above his. He valued our lives before his own.

The Bible says, Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:3-9 NASB)

This is an impossible, divine standard that requires God’s grace at work in me. If I do not walk with the Lord, I cannot love Edric so selflessly. Beyond the choice to humble myself, it is recognizing my inability to do this unless I come before the Lord and say, “Teach me to delight to serve Edric.”

In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed, “Father, not my will but yours be done.” Well, I need to have the same mindset. “Lord, help me not to think of what I want all the time but what you want me to do, what you want me to become.”

Love so very often requires doing what is sacrificial. It is not convenient. It is not easy. It means giving of yourself even when you don’t feel like it, when you feel like it is unfair, and when the person you are choosing to love behaves in undeserving ways. If you cannot accept these realities, don’t get married! Don’t have children. Don’t have friends. Live on an island with coconuts for company.

There is no human relationship on this earth that will not require us, at some point, to make a sacrifice. But be encouraged by this: Whatever we give up for Christ, we gain immeasurably more in this life or the life to come. My dad used to say, “If you really think about it, there are no martyrs in God’s kingdom.” God says he is a rewarder of those who seek him. (Hebrews 11:6) The blessings may not always be immediate, but they are certain.

How does God reward me when I delight to serve Edric? A happy, well-served husband is an amazing person to live with! When Edric feels like he is prioritized and important, he bubbles over with happiness. There is renewed inspiration to be tender, sweet, and caring towards me.

As wonderful as it is to hear Edric say, “I feel so in love with you,” ultimately, I don’t do things for him. I want God’s favor! I want his presence in my life! So my hope is in God and in his goodness when I do things like wake up early to pack Edric his lunch, walk to the refrigerator half asleep to get him a glass of water, or massage his feet before going to bed (I outsource this to Massage r Us every now and then, he he). Getting the googley-eyed lovey dovey glances are a great bonus but even if I may not always get this kind of a response, I know this…“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. (Lamentations 3:24, 25 NASB)

The Song of Our Children’s Lives

November 22, 2012 By Joy T Mendoza 7 Comments

I thought I might actually cry as I watched the San Marco Chamber Orchestra perform Virtuosi di Venezia, a tribute to Antonio Vivaldi. Never in my life have I been so impressed by a live classical music performance of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.

The experience was heightened by the fact that Edric and I were in Venice. But, my goodness! It was not just the place, it was the musicians. They were absolutely incredible!

What is it about classical music that is so healing to the soul? According to Andrew Pudua, the highest forms of music and art are those which capture the attributes of God.

Being in the hall elevated my appreciation for classical music and made me ask myself, why have I neglected letting my kids listen to it more often?! I mean, I felt like a better and more intelligent person as I was taken on this musical journey from joy to sorrow to fear to triumph. No wonder why they say that classical music boosts IQ!

The Bible tells us, “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” (Philippians 4:8 NASB)

What kinds of entertainment do we allow into our homes? Does it cause our children to love what is true, honorable, righteous, pure, lovely, reputable, excellent, and praise worthy?

Edric and I try to filter what our children are exposed to. We are discriminating about tv programs, music, and movies and we limit their use of the Internet. It is amazing how much time they have to create, invent, play, and build when tv and Internet are not given as options. I have also noticed that they don’t get bored very often when they aren’t dependent on entertainment and gadgets to stimulate their minds.

The other night, the kids played hide and seek with Edric for nearly 2 hours. On another evening, they wrote a script and performed it for us using their toys and various objects. Last week, we gave the kids white masks we bought in Venice and they put them on and danced in the living room to classical music while wearing different “costumes.”

These are the evenings I enjoy the most, seeing my children’s delight in the simple things, being together as a family and engaging one another.

Over lunch a few days ago, Elijah said, “I don’t want to grow older. I want to stay a kid.” Edric and I asked him why and he got kind of choked up as he explained, “I don’t want to grow older because it means you will grow older.” It was precious to hear because I knew he wants us all to stay the way we are now. Edric assured him that no matter what, we would be in heaven together, forever.

I suppose I feel the same way Elijah does about the passing of time. Each year, I am thankful that the kids are growing and maturing, but there is also a sorrow about leaving each season of their childhood. And sometimes, I want to permanently stay in a moment because it feels like perfection. I think to myself, could there be anything more wonderful than right now as I watch my children laughing, playing, reveling in our togetherness? Is this what God feels like when we enjoy the blessing of his presence? Does it make him smile like it does me to see my children so at rest and at peace?

Initially, I wrote this entry because I was inspired by the concerto Edric and I watched of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. But somehow it has evolved into a reflection on parenting. Come to think of it, parenting is somehow like the journey Vivaldi’s music took me on. I didn’t want certain parts to end as I sat in that hall. Yet it was the continuity, the heights and depths, the interplay of instruments, the layers and the passing of one feeling to another that made it a masterpiece. When it was over, I had two thoughts…WOW, Lord, that was amazing! and Sigh, that went by so much quicker than I thought it would.

Similarly, there are so many instances when I wish I could freeze-frame my children’s lives. But, I am reminded to be grateful for every part and every stage because that is what makes the experience whole. Someday, I want to be able to say that I was there for all of it, not preferring one part over another or being present at one point and absent at the next. I know I am going to have those two same thoughts when my children are grown up…WOW, Lord, that was amazing! and Sigh, that went by so much quicker than I thought it would.

We never really know how long we will have to love our children. How long is the song of their lives? Who can really know but God, the composer?

Last year, I was very sobered when a friend of mine lost her twin boys shortly after their birth. She had prayed so hard to have children following the birth of her eldest. After a long while she was able to conceive twins, but just six months later, they were born prematurely and survived no more than 17 days. When the first twin died, I called her but didn’t know what to say. I just blurted out, “I’m so sorry.” In response, she said in a gentle, almost unnaturally peaceful way, “Well, God ended his suffering and he is in a better place.”

She went on to explain the series of events surrounding his final moments and the image that most struck me was when she said, “When we knew he was going to go, the doctors gave him to me so I got to hold him before he died in my arms.” I could hardly contain my emotions. Just thirty minutes prior to calling her, Tiana (who was still an infant) had woken up and I had held her in my arms, kissed her, fed her, then put her back down to sleep peacefully. The pain grew in my heart as I thought about how, in almost parallel moments, we had both been holding our babies. I almost felt guilty that I could hold Tiana again, but she would not get to hold her son.

After my friend and I said goodbye over the phone, I sat on the sofa for a while and cried. Even though I reminded myself that God has a purpose for everything, I felt a lot of hurt for my friend. The next day, her other twin died, too.

This tragedy deeply affected me. I was especially convicted to think of all the times when I get impatient with my kids or when I don’t enjoy them enough because I am rushed or harried or busy. And so I wrote this poem as a reminder to appreciate each day that I get to be with them, each day that I get to love them.

I MAY NOT ALWAYS HAVE TODAY

I may not always have today,
To hold you in my arms
To hear your laughter as you play,
Or catch the smiles you pass my way.

I may not always have today,
To linger for a while,
To paint, or read a book or two,
Or pass the time to be with you.

I may not always have today,
To take your little hands,
To teach you how to fly a kite,
Or point to stars on walks at night.

I may not always have today,
But while I have you still,
I’ll thank the Lord for all you are,
Enjoy each moment and each hour. You are God’s gift from up above,
My privilege today, to love.
My privilege TODAY, to love…

May we parent through each season of our children’s lives fully present and aware of the great privilege we have been given by God to love them.

Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. (James 1:17 NASB)